Sometimes I'm glad...

Sometimes I'm glad that I didn't know what awaited me in just a few days- 5 years ago. I know there are different schools of thought out there on this matter, especially if you've been through it personally. You know, the issue of if you'd want to know how much time you or a loved has left here on earth, or if you'd like to go or lose someone suddenly. I go back and forth, there is good and bad to both situations.
But, as much as I wish I had known so that I could have hugged Teagan with all my might and kissed her so that I etched the feeling of my lips against her soft cheek, I think most of the time I am glad that I didn't know what my future held for us. I think it would have knocked the life right out of me and disillusioned me for the last few days we had together. Days that didn't hold anything truly out of the ordinary- but now I look back on and realize that they were the most special days of my whole life. They are vivid in my mind and the fact that they were lived simply makes me so happy.
Teagan bounced around in the backyard, played with Brock and Wyndham, and just did the stuff she liked to do. She followed me around and asked me several times, "How many days am I?". I remember thinking that was a strange question for a four year old. I dodged her question a couple of times, and on the third time I told her, "Teagan, you're a lot of days old...and you've got a lot of days left." I told her that she was at least 1,500 days old; that seemed like a big number to her, and she dropped the question at that.
I remember the night before she died we had Chinese take-out. She turned down her fortune cookie for the first time in her life- ever. I couldn't believe she didn't want a cookie. She said, "Give my fortune to Brock." I don't put much thought into fortunes from local Chinese take-out shops, but this one read something like, "You will live long and prosper." Yep. Teagan gave that fortune to Brock. Instead, I made her one of her favorite snacks, tapioca pudding. She liked it warm with a little milk to stir on top. She didn't eat it all, so we put her bowl in the fridge for the next day. She never finished that pudding. I remember coming home after a week at Hurley Hospital so that I could get treatment for an infection. My mom started cleaning out some of the things in the fridge. She pulled out a small bowl and asked, "what was this?". "Teagan was saving her tapioca for later." We both broke down and cried. Over a bowl of shriveled pudding.
I knew then that I was in for a long road of heartache, as my reality sunk in one little bit at a time.
Yes, sometimes I'm glad that I had no clue what awaited me. I would have missed out on the simple goodness of the time we shared those last few days. I had no worries or fears to cloud the time I now consider the greatest days of my life. I would challenge all of you to try to live your life in that way this weekend. Simply, and without worrying what your future holds. Enjoy your days as they come. See the beauty in the little things, like kids playing, a song that sparks a memory played on the radio, or call a friend to say hello. Treasures don't have to cost a lot in life to be valuable. Knowing that Teagan was happy, secure and loved up to the very last minute of her life brings a warmth to my heart and gives me peace in this time of remembering her life. I may not have deserved to be her Mom those 4 and a half years, but I loved every last minute of having her in my life.