Sometimes I wonder why...

I don't do it too often. As I said on Oprah, "When you ask why too many times, it brings you down". At least in an instance such as mine, where I don't think there is a "good answer". I do wonder and play out in my mind on occasion, how I imagine things would look in my life had we not been at the Old Depot at brunch on Sunday, July 29th, 2001.
And truth be told, we really "shouldn't" have been there at that moment in time. It just so happened that we were there that day, at precisely the moment that a woman decided to end her life by driving her car into that crowded little restaurant. Nearly every event that happened that day was out of the ordinary of our usual Sunday morning routine.
Chip had to usher at the early service, so we got the kids up and ready faster than normal and rushed off to church. Teagan was being good as gold about the whole thing. She even shared her juice box with Brock, while we sat in the "cry-room" at church.
We went to Sunday School after church, and talked for a few minutes to some friends before we loaded up the kids in the car, and as we neared the main road outside the church parking lot, Chip said, "Let's go out for a nice brunch. I heard that the Old Depot has a great breakfast...and pie". We had never been there before. Ever. It would be our first visit.
I agreed, but with a slight hesitation. On the drive out there, Brock fussed off and on. I said maybe we should just go to McDonalds- like we usually did on Sunday afternoon. Chip drove on. Three times (I often wonder if there was a "force" giving us a chance to change our minds- like a sort of intuition that we could have avoided the tragedy that changed our lives forever had we "listened" to it...hmmm) Chip said, "I'm going to turn this car around and go home". We'd have a short debate, but each time we drove on. I even said once, "It's Brock who's causing the problem...Teagan's being an angel. It'll be fine".
Then, when we arrived, I had second thoughts. The Depot didn't "look" like I had imagined it to look, and I was a little torn about going inside. But, it had taken about 15 minutes to get there (which in and around Gaylord area is a long drive!), so we stayed. The table just inside the door was cleared, so Teagan grabbed the end chair and said, "This is my spot. I want to sit by everyone." I gave her a look, and Chip one too. Normally that spot would be mine, so that I could reach kids on either side of me to help them with their food. Chip told her she could sit there, and the rest of us took our spots.
I wonder how things would be different if we had simply sat in different spots. I even kept Wyndham strapped in her carseat the whole time we were there. I never did that, ever. She hated the straps because she was so small they came so close to her face and neck. I always undid the straps the minute I opened the car door when we got somewhere. Not that day. I was just telling her that she was getting fiddgety enough- so I would take them off in just a minute. Those were the words I was saying when I heard the loudest bang of my life.
The next several moments were etched in my mind forever. They've caused nightmares and tears and more heartache than I ever believed a person could feel.
I don't know why I was at that particular place in time when something so tragic happened. My family simply wanted to spend some time together after having been apart for nearly 3 weeks. We had gone to church that morning. We were doing "everything right" in life- so-to-speak. And yet evil touched us there that day. I don't know why. I've come up with many possible answers to that tough question, but still, I don't have a good answer.
I don't know that even having the "right" answer would change anything in my life. Grief would still touch me at times, pain, dreams and memories would still exist. Teagan would still be gone.
So, I learned early on- even at the scene of my nightmare that day, to trust that God was in control, and to seek Him everyday for strength, hope and comfort. I don't like to try to understand why- although I've seen some very positive things come from my hardship. I simply have decided to let God do the figuring out and I've looked to Him to piece my life back together. I have sought joy all along the way. Now, when I wonder and ask why and wish I had different answers, I see there are lots of possibilities- although none really makes good sense to me. I've learned that to have joy in life, I don't have to have the answers. I simply have to rest in the One who gives joy...and one day in Heaven I believe I will look back and it will make sense.
Life makes us all wonder and ask "why" from time to time. I hope you trust God who has all the answers waiting for you someday too.