Going home...

As I continue to move through this month of July, I am amazed at how much my life, my thoughts and my memories are still affected by Teagan and the events of July 29th, 2001. It became even clearer and more pronounced as Chip and I revisited Gaylord and some of the sights and friends in our life from that very day and time. We went back to Gaylord and Johannesburg to enjoy a wedding and have a good time, and yet I was struck by how strongly I felt Teagan's presence and God's peace all over again. I am not one to outwardly express my deep inner emotions, but I was keenly aware of them and they touched me in a powerful way the last couple of days.
Instead of shedding tears and expressing myself in person, here I am pouring those feelings out in word. Maybe they won't even make sense. Maybe they won't mean anything to you- but I believe that tears are like that sometimes. They don't always fall at the appropriate moment, or even make sense at times. They are simply an extension of what's in our hearts.
I am beginning to realize that life may not be as random as I think it is somedays. When I wrote about being at the particular place where our paths crossed with that of unbelievable circumstance on July 29th, 2001, I never believed that was "random". I don't believe God "put" us in that place either, but I do believe He "allowed" those events to occur- for whatever reason, I don't quite know. I believe that He is able to make sense out of what happened- maybe not in my lifetime and I may not understand fully- but I trust that He can make something beautiful out of something ugly, hurtful and painful- if I allow Him to do so. It's not easy or simple to do- to hand Him your hurt and brokeness. But I am finding that it's true.
As we drove around various spots in town and I saw some of the very places where I experienced the greatest pain and heartache of my life, I was filled with peace and warmth. I sometimes expect the worst in life- which is one of the things that drives my husband nuts about me- but that's just how I am. He says I'm negative at times- I say I'm realistic. We didn't intend to turn back time and revisit old memories, but I couldn't stop my mind from playing some of them out. We drove out to the wedding reception on Saturday night, on the very road we drove out to the restaurant where Teagan was killed. We stopped there and talked with the family that owns the Old Depot- who have loved and supported all of us the past several years. They deserved the best and we wish them continued success with their business. We still love them, their meals, and of course, Karen's pies.
We sat in the auditorium for the wedding and for Sunday church service, the very place where we had a celebration service for the life of Teagan and a time of reflection and closure for our family on her death. I have sat in those seats probably a hundred times since the day of Teagan's memorial service, but this weekend, going back, felt so different. The memories were so vivid. Like I said, I could almost "feel" her at times. It was a good feeling. It made her "real" to me all over again. Not that I had forgotten her, but that her memory and her life still matter and impact me and probably more people than I realize at times.
As I sat in that place yesterday, reliving memories, feeling close to Teagan and sensing God's presence, I sort of glimpsed the future and my thoughts turned to Heaven. I've said it here before, I think about Heaven more then the average person probably does. I recommend the book, Heaven, Your Real Home by Joni Erickson Tada, for some depth and insight on this subject. I believe that what some people see in me is simply the reflection of joy that I get when my thoughts are so focused on the hereafter. When I'm at "my best", it is simply my mind looking ahead to what awaits me in the future. It makes my heart race and something good wells up inside me and makes all the pain and hurt of daily living pale in comparison to the glory of Heaven.
So, I sat there in church and it brought a smile to my face. I closed my eyes and imagined Teagan smiling down from Heaven. I felt her spirit and realized once again, that she's really not that far away from me. That she's in the very place where my heart longs to be!
I sat there thinking of another family, who longs to be in the place where I sat. The Cerak family is working tirelessly and with great hope and anticpation to bring their daughter, Whitney back home with them. I couldn't help but pray for them and hurt with them and this longing in their heart to be back home in Gaylord. I understand that ache- as I felt it for many hours and days while me and my family recovered at Hurley Hospital in Flint, nearly five years ago. Some of the days spent there felt like an eternity. I've learned firsthand how overwhelming it can be to sit in hospitals and rehab centers- even though those places are doing so much good for the persons in need of thier care- they can zap the life out of the people who are watching and waiting for the day they can return home. It is no easy task to wait for and watch healing take place.
I sat in "their seats" yesterday. I realized that I was "home"- where they long to be. I imagined the welcome and joy they will feel on their return. I imagined the peace they will feel in their hearts. It was another glimpse of Heaven for me.
My heart is overflowing with the peace and contentment I feel right now. Going back to the place where the biggest hurt touched my life thus far, made me realize that I'm on my way "home". It's really not that far away, and when I get there, it will make the heartache of my journey worth every tear I've shed and every ache my heart has held through the years. I look forward and can't wait for the day, when I'm truly home! That thought is what carries me through my hardships and gives me reason to rejoice in life- even when it isn't fair or easy somedays. I know that Heaven will be worth it. I know Teagan is cheering me homeward, and God is carrying me through. I am learning that the events of my life- the ones that probably aren't so random afterall- are stepping stones for me on my way home.