Friday, July 28, 2006

A couple of dittys for you...

This is my Nitty.Gritty., so these songs really are for me, but I'm sharing. Nice of me, huh? Yesterday I sat at my computer thinking I should just skip posting. I just wasn't sure what to say and I feel like I repeat myself all the time. My hubby even says that I do. Remember? He's a skeptic when it comes to all of you good people checking in here, two and three times a day. Today, that makes two of us. I'm not sure how this stuff actually hits you and impacts you the way many of you are commenting and emailing me the past few days, but I've decided I should start believing you. That you really DO hug your kids tighter, or not yell at them for splashing all over the floor during bathtime. Maybe you do appreciate the little things in life, like sipping your Coconut latte a bit more slowly, or reading a Bible verse that finally makes sense after years of reading it over and over.
My thoughts have been really varied this week, as I've said, lots of remembering, re-living, and hoping that I'll never forget a thing. I know that's not possible as memories fade, but by pulling out memoribilia, it helps to jog those memories for me.
That's what these two songs are for. Remembering. My sister, Steph,(as well as others) had the tough role of listening to me ramble on for hours when she met me at the hospital just hours after all my family had been admitted to intensive care. We knew Teagan wasn't going to survive her injuries, and we made arrangements to have her organs donated. My head was spinning with all the decisions that had to be made, with the questions I had about what had happened, and wondering how I would actually survive this horror. It was overwhelming at times. I still get nightmares when I think about some of the events of those hours and weeks. It was gut-wrenching on many levels.
However, in the middle of my confusion and pain and sometimes not even speaking clearly, both my sister, and a close friend, Andy, were able to take some of what I was rambling on about and put it down on paper into beautiful poems. They blew me away. They touched my soul. They even turned them into songs that were sung at Teagan's memorial services. I still can't believe I actually sang a duet with my sister for Teagan. For me it wasn't about hitting all the right notes; I just wanted to share the words and a part of Teagan with everyone I could at that time.
As for Andy's song- well, let's just say he has a gift. He can do this kind of thing with his eyes shut. Actually, he does it best with his eyes shut, I'm sure. What I hope to always remember is that at the pit of my life, my friends and family were there for me (us), in ways that touched me deeply forever. I simply can't thank them enough for their thoughts and prayers and their love in the darkest moments of my life. There were lots of them. More than the hospital personnel wished at times. More than we were allowed to have in ICU- but they made exceptions for us.
I remember clearly, wanting to somehow tell Teagan that I wasn't ever going to let her life ever fade completely. I think I prayed that somehow her life would touch other people in ways I may never know. While we weren't able to donate her major vital organs, two people received the gift of sight from the corneas of her eyes, and one person got her heart valves. I have no idea who they are...but I know that they got a special gift, and I'm so glad we could share it with them.
So, as I continue to remember and reflect and repeat myself, I am posting the words to the songs that summed it up for me at that time in my life...and brought tears to my eyes in a good way when I desperately needed them. Even without hearing the music, I hope you'll be touched as well.
Teagan's Songs...
"Our Angel"
When you were born your Daddy said that you would wow the boys,
You changed our lives forever, and filled our hearts with joy.
Your smile lit up the universe, Your eyes shone like the stars,
We'll miss you every moment, but we rejoice and know you are...
In Heaven, surrounded by the loving arms of Jesus.
Delighted, astounded by the beauty of it all.
The angels sing their celebration chorus; An angel has arrived.
Teagan, you can spread your wings and fly.
{v2} You spent your days spreading sunshine, never had a care.
You sang and played, you ran and giggled, liked ribbons in your hair.
You stopped to smell the flowers and chased the butterflies,
Enjoying God's creation, with wonder in your eyes.
Now you're in Heaven... {chorus}
{v3} You stayed up late to give your Daddy, a special kiss goodnight.
And Mommy felt your adoration when you hugged her tight.
You loved to be big sister, and granddaughter and friend.
Although it seems a sad goodbye, we know it's not the end.
'Cause you're in Heaven...{chorus}
And every day that you were with us, Was a precious gift from Jesus,
Our angel here on earth for just a while.
We'll think of you in Heaven and we'll smile. {chorus}
This one is by Andy...a friend for life (Andrena too!)
"God Sent to us an Angel"
God sent to us an angel, just four short years ago.
How long she would be shared with us is what we didn't know.
He gave her boundless energy, so full of love and cheer.
So many days she lit our world with smiles, ear to ear.
We think of times spent in the yard, Her running to and fro,
Just days before her Savior called this precious angel home.
We hope to dwell on memories, how this angel blessed our lives.
With the way she smiled, the way she laughed, the blueness of her eyes.
We'll fondly think of nightly prayers and be glad we were a part,
Of the time she asked her God, to come into her heart.
We know she rests with God today, and oh, what joy that brings!
Yes, God sent to us an angel, we just never saw her wings.


Laura said...

ohh jody. . .{giant hugs}

Amanda said...

So, are those now "Nitty.Gritty.Dittys"? :)
Thank you for sharing those with us...they are beautiful. I have a friend who also sang at the memorial services for two of her children...amazed us all, but it was so beautiful. I am so thankful that God gave the ability to do that to both you and my friend. It speaks so deeply to a mommy's heart.

shawnna said...

Ooh i don't even know what to say except thanks for sharing this with us and my prayers are with you

Claire Smith said...

Hey Jody and other Ferlaaks,

Thinking of you as your hardest day of the year is upon you. I think that the fact you are sharing Teagan with so many other people, even five years on, is a wonderful thing. It proves how much you DID deserve to be her mother that you won't let her memory fade.

I remember the first time I read your posts, I sat down and read almost all of them at once. One of my favourite blogs is the one when Isabella was trying to put her pajamas in the toilet bowl (?!?) and you reacted calmly but firmly. You are a good mother, and that's the most important job of all.

Praying for you

Wellington, New Zealand

aimee said...

I'll be praying for y'all...

Anonymous said...

Keeping you in my prayers tomorrow and this weekend.... You always amaze me, sometimes it is like you write directly to my soul ... thank you for loving God and Teagan so much to share everything you do. I sometimes feel like I came across your blog becasue either God is preparing me for something or I need the daily reminder to be thankful for all I have. Thank You and may God bless you and your family!

Anonymous said...

In memory of precious Teagan, who touched your life and allowed you to touch the lives of so many mommies (like me) who are learning to live intentionally and cherish every moment with their little ones! May your dreams tonight be filled with beautiful images of your daughter, and may Saturday bring comfort and blessings beyond what you can imagine. Hugs and prayers to you and your family, Jody!

~Laura in Ohio

annette said...

Ohhhhh, Jody...such love...she was a special little one from God who needed a special mommy to love and God put the two of you together...

I will be praying for you on these very hard days...

allow your mind to search for each feel each hug, and to soak in all you can of her...
much love from your friend

stephanie said...

it is hard to write anything that would make anything better..please just know that we keep you in our prayers, we learn from you, we celebrate the moments that we sometimes either overlook or take for granted..all from the moments, stories and memories that you share...

Cary said...

We are remembering your family today and most of all Teagen's precious gift to all of us.
Thank you for honoring her memory.
She would be so proud of her mommy today.

sarah devries said...

Jody, praying for you and your family today. May God grant you peace as you spend today remembering your precious daughter who touched so many lives.

Cris said...

Those were very beautiful.