Wednesday, May 10, 2006

My scrap event~ Part Deux

This is a Nitty.Gritty. personal blog entry. If you think you want to get into my head for a few paragraphs- read on. I make no claims that what I am thinking will translate into something interesting, usable, profound or enlightening in your own life. This is all for me. Mainly because I need to hear this and I'm not getting it from anyone else out there- so this is it. Nitty.Gritty. self talk.
I keep looking at the pictures I have from my recent scrap event weekend where I spent a few days with mainly women who are seeking to get their memories and pictures down on pages and put them in a scrapbook. I find it intriguing and love the mediums- cool paper products, paint, chipboard shapes, tiny jewels and ribbons all over. I love that kind of stuff. I was lovin' every bit of it- including meeting people in person that I feel I have gotten to know in some regards just by reading their blogs the past several months.
There's "Knitandpurlgirl" that hung with me from California. I probably wouldn't have been at this event if it hadn't been for her. We had a blast together, laughing and learning and enjoying adult conversation. There was Kelli Crowe- a tiny, fun-loving kind of "girl" who has a hubby and three boys and makes funky scrapbooking pages look easy and effortless. She was sweet. Then there were the class instructors.
I overdid it with a few of them, I've been told. But it all seemed to happen so naturally. I mean, I'm not the kind of person to want to hang out with someone for the sake of being "seen" or to get all starry-eyed. I bumped into Cathy Zielske, [] first thing in the morning on day one and when I asked about getting a picture with her I simply asked for more than just a cute smile together. I asked if we could somehow make it seem like we were actually good friends hooking up after a long while without seeing each other. I was just being my playful self and it just so happens that when I'm in my element, I end up acting like a junior higher having a really good time- thus the candid shots of me and CZ. She was more than a good sport with me. She acted like she was a junior higher and pretended to have as much fun as I did. Sure, I admire her. Sure, I wish I still lived in MN so I could do lunch with her every so often. I think she's a great person in person and that's why it was fun hanging out with her. Not because she has such great talent and abilities and a couple of books on the market. That's all just secondary stuff.
Then there was Elsie and Carrie and Heidi. But I can't write about everyone in one post now, can I?!
What am I actually trying to tell myself? I'm not 100% sure. I do know that I've hardly been happier than I was at this event. Okay- I didn't have any responsibilities for kids or husband- so that may be part of it. I mean, I actually spent more than 10 minutes on self-care each day. That means I got a hot shower with nobody yelling in the background or me hurrying so I could get some Eggo waffles in the toaster oven for breakfast. I had time for my own thoughts, journaling, praying and actually being totally quiet and listening to my own mind "speak". I never have that kind of time. That alone was worth the price of my trip.
But now that I am home and back into the life routine we live around here, I am trying to find ways to get a part of that experience back. I don't want it to totally fizzle out. I want to hang on to the way I was feeling- the fact that I felt like I have something to contribute to the world I live in, besides just cooking and cleaning. I am reminding myself that "my story" is valuable- if only to me and those closest to me, that I have abilities and creativity and a unique perspective and gifts and talents in there somewhere too.
I owe it to myself to write it down (and maybe even go so far as to "scrap" about me) and recognize the worth in myself.
It wasn't so very long ago that I remember myself very differently. I remember being the one that never went out on dates. The girl who had a lot of fun, but didn't have that many close friends. The girl who stuffed her feelings and pushed people away. The kind of person who got lots of A's on stuff in school without trying- but never felt that good at anything. The girl who always felt like she was never gonna measure up to anybody quite the way she wanted to- so sometimes she just didn't try her best. The girl who compared herself to others more than she should have. The girl who never really believed how great she was because she was so busy always questioning who she wanted to become.
I know now. That girl sure doesn't seem like Nitty.Gritty. girl we all know and love today, does it?! I am realizing now, after many years of disbelief and poor self-image that this girl is more than enough.
I am telling it to myself today, straight up. In front of everybody- because it means I believe it enough to "say it" in front of others. I guess there's that part of me that wants to turn and go back. It's easy being average and not trying your best or pushing yourself to become better. But at the core of me, I know I am worth more than that. It's taken a husband showing me years of love and gushing about me a lot in the beginning. It's taken lots of kids and their undying love to me- even when I'm not perfect, for the reality of who I am, to sink in a bit deeper. It's taken the belief and love of my parents and family for me to accept that they aren't just telling me things to be nice.
It's taken the loss of a daughter- one who meant the world to me and still does every minute my thoughts bring her back to mind- to make me accept the value of an individual. It's taken a weekend of surrounding myself with other women who love telling stories about their families and themselves, for me to see that we all are worth celebrating. For no big reasons at all.
Simply because we are here. We matter.
I've always known that I matter to God. I think I am finally starting to realize just how much I do and all the reasons why. And I don't want to forget this. Ever. {Thanks, Nitty.Gritty.Me}


kellicrowe said...

i read this post
i laughted
i cried
it has a good beat
and you can dance to it
there is a picture of me and you
so there ya go
this post has everything i like to see in a blog:)
totally can't wait to see more of this telling it like it is stuff from ya
and in scrapbook form:)
can you e-mail me that pic:)?

Laura said...

first might i just say. . you are so stinking cute! super fun pics! then i must say - i am going to email you tomorrow(not tonight because i can hardly keep my eyes open), but i have a lot to say! (i know, i know, you can hardly wait. . right?)

NittyGrittysNanny said...

You always make me smile..... you are worth everything you think you are worth and so much more. You are a great mother, wife, and most importantly in my mind, A WONDERFUL friend! You mean the world to me, I am really sad that I have now been in Michigan for 24 hours and I still have not seen you:( I have missed you, our laughs, or cries, and our conversations!!!!!! Can't wait to see you

ashlee said...

you always speak to what im dealing with at the present time!
i think i will email you too....

Christy said...

Hey Jody- I am so proud of you for speaking your mind. From one "in the background and now not so much gal" to the other. Bravo.

A Girl In Oregon said...

I love that your posts go from fun-loving to "deep down". It keeps it all real!

Thanks for always sharing YOU with all of us!

Adrienne said...

Oh gosh, so many emotions here. Love this entry Jody, and I can totally relate to not having enough time for yourself. Have a fantastic day!

Deanna- yep Dee-na said...

i'm finally getting a chance to catch up on your blog. lol : )
man i love when you say things about not even feeling like you have 10 minutes to breath let alone get dressed for taking care of everyone else etc... I feel exactly like you. I loved seeing and reading this post today. I felt the same when I met Donna Downey. I just like her. Not just that she has written books etc... that is secondary. I bet Cathy is awesome. Love reading her blog here and there too- just as I do yours. :) ok so i have more reading to do... you have been blogging a lot lady. ;)

Rhonda said...

You now, is me then. I am more now like you were then. Make sense! Anyways, you always make me either laugh, cry, or just sit here in awe. Your such a great person. We all are! I am glad you realized it yourself. You really need to scrapbook all you felt and say the things you posted in your journaling so your daughters can know bits and pieces of your life when your not here any more. My mom died when I was seven. I dont even remember her. It makes me sad that I dont. If I had a scrapbook of memories and pictures and I could read how she felt I would feel like I knew her more. You really should start scrapbooking for your daughters and your son! Tomorrow is not promised to anyone and right now if something happened to you would your daughters know how happy that weekend made you 10 years from now?