"i like us together"

I am sure some of you probably heard the arguing that Chip and I did as our moving date got closer this past week and yet our plans didn't get anymore clear or set in stone. We find ourselves at just a week and a half from needing to be out of this rental home we're in and still we don't have a sure thing for where we're going to live next. I likely don't even need to explain to you that I am more than stressed out over this whole situation. Goodness! If we were going to Disneyland I would be more prepared and planned for our family of 8 to make that trip. And so imagine how I feel having no control over the dates to be out of this house, nor the reality that we still don't have something lined up and trying to pack for that and on top of all the normal daily tasks that still have to get done. Like grocery shopping and cooking and diaper changes and baths and band concerts and just all of it. It's been one of the most overwhelming months of our lives.
The added stressful part of this situation is knowing that we still have the actual moving and resettling in to do. And no matter where we go we are going to have less space than we have in the past two homes we've lived in and we have no end in sight to when we will own a house and have a place to call "home" again. It's more than upsetting to me. My faith tells me to simply trust that God will make a way and He has a plan. And not only a plan, but a plan to prosper us and give us hope too! But in this world, time after time, our hopes have been dashed and our future has taken dramatic turns. As much as we know and fully trust that God is in control of all that happens, it's still a tough act to have to follow and not have any answers or clear direction as to where to go and why. So we walk by faith. And I ashamedly have not had a whole lot of it- and thus have yelled and been more angry and anxious over this whole circumstance.
In the middle of all of the questions and stress, a big part of my peace and happiness came in the form of scrapping. Like I talked about in the last post. I am sure it is no accident or coincidence that God opened the door for me to be a part of the Cocoa Daisy design team at this time in my life. He must surely have known that our life road was about to get rocky again and He knew I would need an outlet for my stress as well as a wonderful group of women to share my heart with and to be encouraged by their friendship and support at this time too. It's a gift to have friends who understand you in life's crunch times. It is a gift when they not only want to be your friend when life is rosy, but that they step it up even moreso when life gets messy too.
So all this to say, I am still in the throws of life's mess right now, but I am loved and supported and I know that this will all be behind us at some point. It's not fun to trudge through it. It's hard to trust God with all of it knowing any little detail could be different and ease any number of our burdens in life right now. But I know He has reasons for things that make no sense from our limited human view of life. He has this whole world in His hands and even though I wish He would just say a word or swing open wide a door to make it clear where we are going, I know it's best to hold on tight to Him for the duration of the ride. So until my last breath I will proclaim that God is worth trusting in with my whole heart and I will even praise Him now- in advance and in reflection- for the things He has done, is doing and will do in my life.
I will keep scrapping for the fun of it and for the wonderful friendships and fulfillment that comes from making something {and for me, having control of something!} =) too. The pages that I scrapped and showed you here are from the Navy Pier kit that Cocoa Daisy is featuring for Novemeber. It was based on the amusement park in Chicago and some of the sites around that fun city. I just loved the colors and patterns and playfulness in this kit. I know you will love it, if you're a scrapper or crafter of any kind! The kit goes on sale Nov. 1st and there are lots of other wonderful things in the Cocoa Daisy Boutique this time of year too. Think Christmas! I love crafting at Christmas and I am really hoping that wherever we move next that I might be able to find a corner in the house {or condo as we ware looking at that as an option right now} to set up my supplies and create more happiness and joy. I just keep thinking this will make quite the chapter in the book I could write about our life. I just want to make sure it has a happy ending before I pen it. =)

The Midway is going to be hoppin'!!

So in the midst of boxes and packing and not fully knowing how the next few weeks in my life are going to play out there is a bit of fun and excitement going on behind the scenes too. At Cocoa Daisy! Each year there is a weekend online crop and this year it is happeing Friday- Sunday, Oct. 26th-28th. It's based on the Novemeber kit called, "Navy Pier" which as many of you might know, is the huge attraction in Chicago where lots of fun takes place. So the crop is called, "The Midway" and believe me, if you are a scrapper (or even if you're not and you are wondering what all the fun looks like) you will want to stop by as much as you can during this event. As part of the design team I have been lucky to get in on some of the brainstorming, sneak peeks, inspiration and I can tell you there is going to be so much happening and lots of chances to win prizes too! How could you not want to be a part of something like that?!

You don't need to be a monthly kit subscriber to get in on the action. But you certainly can join in that way and have yet another chance to win something! You simply need to be registered on the Cocoa Daisy site and you can post on the message board and upload to the gallery and just be part of all the fun and games. There are going to be some wonderful classes and techniques and loads of inspiration and of course, the November full kit reveal will happen too! 

See that funky octopus stamp and all the other cool stamps and paper goodies in the photos here? You will be able to order them (as a subscriber you can order on Oct. 28th...as a non-subscriber you can order starting Nov. 1st) and create your own fun too! I am in the middle of packing, but still getting to scrap a bit on the side in preparation for The Midway. You are more than welcome to join the fun. I hope to see you around Cocoa Daisy...today if you want to jump in early. This weekend if you can handle all the excitement! =) 

All that glitters~

You can be sure that with more than a three week abscence in blogposts that much has happened in my heart and life. And yet nothing has happened. Which is proving to be the biggest challenge I have had to endure the past month. I am learning lots of lessons. I am seeing more clearly what kind of person I truly am. Honestly, it's been ugly to see the real me in many regards- deep down (or maybe not even all that deep down!) I am a control-freak with a few dashes of immaturity and a dose of doubt thrown in for not-so-good measure too. I don't really like the me that has surfaced while going through this process of having a house sold out from under us with virtually no options opening up for us as to where our family is supposed to go next.
I have had to flex the faith muscle that I have been growing and exercising since I was a very young girl. I have said it in posts here since my earliest online writings- I have a strong faith and believe fully in God who is more than able to provide for my deepest needs. It doesn't matter if those needs are physical, emotional, spiritual; I have put my trust in Him and have been blessed by His faithfulness to more than provide for me over and over and over again. To the point where it seems like there is no way I could begin to doubt who He is and how He is able to meet those needs.
But guess what?
My faith isn't nearly as big or as strong or as steadfast as I might have like to think it was. In the past few weeks as Chip and I have poured ourselves and every free minute {besides the ones where I have been scrapping for my stress relief!} into trying to find a place for our family of 8 to live, I have waivered, cried, wept, prayed, vowed never to pray again, cared so much, not cared at all, surrendered, taken it all back, reminded myself of all God has done, put Him to the test again, opened my heart, closed my eyes, yelled more than I would ever like to have to admit, whispered pleadings so strong that no Father, it seems, could sit back in silence. And yet that is where I find myself sitting today.
It has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.
I have thrown out questions and begged for wisdom and direction. I have asked for doors to swing open. And more recently, have been given some wisdom and now am at the point of asking for every single door to swing shut except for the one that God would want us to walk through.
What do you want from me, God?
How are we to know that we are making the right choice?
We only want to be where you want us to be and can use us the most?
Why does something as 'easy' as finding a house to live in have to be this hard??
When is it someone else's turn to have to live through a life challenge like this one- because we have already lived through and learned some of life's toughest lessons of all! Right?
Right, God?
Apparently not.
Because in the moments of my tears flowing and my anger rising and my heart breaking, I have been gifted a calm spirit and I have been reminded of verses and songs that clearly remind me that He is beyond understanding and yet He wants to be fully known. As I said, I have had to wonder and sit confused and turn open my Bible and my daily devotionals for words and truths that point right back to what I knew and yet have to "relearn" over and over again. And that is this:
God is always in control.
God wants to me look to Him for every provision in life.
He doesn't want me to have long stretches in life where I sit back and simply coast along, because I would become lazy or self-sufficient or even prideful of the ease I would have. Instead, being in a place where I can do absloutely nothing about what is happening around me except trust in Him for what is coming next- that is where God shows Himself to be powerful, faithful, kind and true.
Even in human terms, if a father were to give their kids everything they wanted whenever they wanted it, those kids would never learn to appreciate; they would come to expect and be demanding and self-serving, inconsiderate and without compassion for giving in return. To expect that our God wants to just give us whatever we want whenever we want it and never have to be patient or dependent upon Him would be for us to miss out on His amazing love. He loves so much He is even willing to let us hurt at times. He is willing to let us stew and be angry or confused or impatient and immature. His love for us is so deep that He is willing to make us walk step by excruciating step UP a rough mountainside and keep moving us in that direction without even hinting as to how far and tall or big the mountain really is. And once we have gotten part way and we are sure we have walked far enough and we are tired and weary and worn and want to be done climbing, His love is greater and far reaching than that.He nudges us on another step higher. And further up the mountainside. Until at times we can hardly gasp for air and we think our insides will break because we simply cannot go on- and truth be told, we have walked to long and far and high we have frankly forgotten why we are even on this mountainside at all.
It cannot be for the fun of it. There is no thrill in climbing when you cannot see beyond the next step in front of you, nor can you find any rest of comfort or ease along the way. It becomes such a burden and the idea of going higher only makes you want to turn back around and start using the tiny bit of energy that you have left in you for the journey back down instead. You cannot muster the strength to move forward, so you pause and think about turning back. And about that time, your feet begin to slip. Your pack of supplies is heavy and weighing you down and your body is spent so you stumble a step or two. As you begin to question how you even got "talked into" starting this climb at all, you turn back to peer up the mountain to see if you can catch any glimpse of the mountaintop and in so doing possibly find a tiny bit of renewed strength or hope to continue the climb.
You can't. So you cling to the rock on which you stand for another moment or two. In that space of not knowing how or why or where, you take a deep breath and find rather than pain, you feel a peace. You sense that there is no way you would have ever, EVER gotten this far if you have not believed there was something glorious and worthwhile at the top. You close your eyes and say, God, I do not know how I am going to make it. I have no clue how far I have yet to climb. But I vow once again to simply do my best and trust you to give me the strength and energy and will to get there.
Because of His great love for us, God not only doesn't leave us sitting alone, weary and worn, on the side of the mountain. He comes alongside us {through words to songs or in the form of a warm, fresh-baked apple pie and visit from friends, or through a well-timed scripture verse that affirms who He is and always has been to this point}; He sometimes even picks us up and carries us. His love for us is so high, so deep, so wide and so strong, that He allows us to ache step-by-step along the path to which He has called and guided our steps because He knows that when we come to the place- the mountaintop place to which He promises to bring us, the view will be so magnificent and overwhelming and stunning that it will stop us in our tracks at the very instant all our pain that has consumed us in our journey washes away. He created the mountain. He created the view from the top. He knows just how rugged and tiresome and tasking it is to get there.
But He has promised to be our Guide, our comfort, our Strength and our Supply. His love for us is so deep that He must know that to give us a glimpse of the view along the way would threaten to take away from the mountaintop experience. Much like kids who discover what their gifts are through shaking their Christmas presents under the tree before it is actually time to open and receive them. It's not half as fun to open that present when you know what's in it compared to the total joy and delight and ripping that gift open and being completely and utterly surprised.
All this to say, I know that my God is so big, so strong, so mighty, so loving, so good, so enduring, so utterly faithful that I do not have to even have a glimpse of His plan to keep trusting in it. I trust Him fully. Even though I have had to get to that place by walking some very rough terrain.
Yesterday I sat at our back entry space and looked at some piled up boxes that have been lining the room just inside the garage door for 10 months now. There were a couple of boxes that I had never even looked at because I knew when we moved into this house it was just a temporary rental place until our house sold and we found some place new. We never moved in here and made it our home. We never dreamed it would be almost a year that we would be here and so that also played into my wanting to just keep things boxed up and ready to go for the next move. So the piles have been piled and taking up space all this time. I opened up and started reorganzing a couple of them. Then I came to a box marked, "Garage sale items- girls clothes". I knew I hadn't boxed it up when we moved here so I realized it must be from our last move. That was many years ago. I opened it up thinking I would find clothes I could give to my friends who have little girls of their own right now and I wanted to check the sizes and see who I might be able to pass these items to. When I opened it I recognized the clothes immediately. Most of the things in that box were clothes that Teagan had worn and I know I hadn't seen them for a very long time. My sisters boxed up a lot of her clothing soon after she died and while I was still at Hurley Hospital waiting for Chip and Wyndham to get well enough to come back home. So it is likely I hadn't seen these things since before Teagan died. I know I get chided for talking and writing about Teagan's death and how I am still so often reminded of her life even in my day-to-day activities more than a decade later. I know there are some who will never understand why I write as much as I do about my grief journey and how my little girl's death still impacts my life. I know there are people who believe that "life moves on and you must get over it for your own health". But here's the thing.
I don't go looking for ways to be reminded of Teagan- except for on the days I choose to do so. Like on her birthday. And when we celebrate Coke Float Day. Or when the leaves change color because she loved the new shades of red and yellow and orange of the leaves so much. I don't sit by a CD and play her favorite tunes or stare at pictures wishing her back. That is all a part of the process of letting go. But there are moments or events or reminders of my Teagan that sometimes present themselves in ways I cannot create on my own. And I have learned that those moments must be lived and processed just the same. So I lifted a few of the items out of that box yesterday. And my throat got tight and my eyes started to burn and the tears bulged over my lower lids and started to flow down. I reached into the box and pulled out a pair of Teagan's pink glitter shoes. She had worn them as part of a Halloween costume...but worn them as often as she could. To places like Glen's Market while we grocery shopped. To church. To Daddy's golf club. To 7-11 with Lizzy as she and Brock rode in the double stroller to go get slurpees.
Suddenly this box and all its contents overwhelmed me and I wondered how it had gotten lost or mixed in with other storage items all this time and I had never even missed it. I wondered how it was that even after not seeing these items for more than 10 years the memories came flooding back as though I had watched Teagan dance and jump in her shoes just yesterday. I wept. I ached. I got angry for a moment all over again. I missed her so much. I recalled her joy and smiles and sheer happiness that filled her up when she put these little pink glitter shoes on. I ached that my other girls are now too big to fit in these shoes and have their chance to dance in them too.
I realized that all of life is a part of who we are and that our stories take such twists and turns and go from lows to highs to more highs and lows that surely there must be One who loves us and can make the 'storyline' an incredible read when it's all said and done.
I sit in a place where I feel I have done more than my share of climbing this rough mountainside. I have seen some amazing views along the way. But honestly I am tired and don't even know why I keep climbing at times. This is that time. It seems like there is no ryhme or reason as to why the journey has brought us here. The timing couldn't be worse. We are ready for a view "from the top". But even as I sit here and wonder, I am reminded that being still is never a crime. Looking back to see how far we've come doesn't make us weak- but instead can give us renewed strength and new resolve to move forward and get one step closer to the top. Knowing that God is with us each step of the way whether we like this part of the climb or not is an act of mercy He pours out on us. I know He loves us and won't let us fall. Even though the journey is steep at this point. In the next couple of weeks something has to happen. One of the options at this point is for me to go back to our home in Michigan with the kids while Chip stays here in MN to work and hopefully our home will sell. It seems like a wild, ridiculous option. But I am putting all my trust and gratitude in the One who knows and even created the view from which I will see this story played out. It might not be rosy and fun or even reasonable for us to have to take this next step. But I know that He keeps us close and can be trusted every single step of the way.

40 days.

Crew had a happy birthday two days ago and is thrilled to be 4 now! His birthday started out right when we awoke- which happened to be 'late start' day at our house. Late start days are my favorite midweek mornings because our schools start an hour later on Wednesdays. I was happy that Crew got an extra hour with Brock and Bella and Ava to open presents and just be more relaxed as we kicked off his fun day. I wish we had late starts everyday! But I don't want to get greedy, so we are thankful for one day a week to not rush around as much as the others.
Crew asked for a simple cake with "blue frosting" and he loved that he got extra candles to blow out too. One can never have too many candles. Until about age 20, I believe. =) Happiness is a pretty easy thing to buy a four year old. He has lots of growing up to do yet, but I am confident he is going to grow into just the man he was meant to be. It's kind of wild having a front row seat to the process, but one that will have lots of stories to share with him through the years too!
Our other big not-so-great-thing-to-celebrate is that the house that we are living in and renting as we wait for our home back in Michigan to sell has just sold. We have 40 days or less to be packed up and moved out. It seems like we just did that and as I recall, I wasn't all that thrilled about it either! So, this time around we will be moving somewhere local. We jus don't have a clue as to where yet. And it gets a bit more complicated as we would like to stay in the same part of town so the girls don't have to switch schools- or so that we don't have to drop them off and pick them up everyday. We would also like to find a house that meets some of our big needs- especially when it comes to Wyndham. That means ideally we would love a full bathroom and if we get really lucky, a bedroom for her on the main floor too. But so far a home to rent for our size family that meets those needs hasn't presented itself to us. Yet. So feel free to join us in praying for those things to end up on our next home's checklist. Feel free to pray that our house in Michigan would get a buyer too. It's been on the market for 10 months now and we have yet to get an offer that comes close to our asking price.
I am trying not to stress out and worry about it. I know that we are 40 days or less away from being in our next place. It would be a miracle if we could call that next place "home" for more than a 12-month lease agreement. I have my doubts. But at the same time I am trying to believe in a miracle too!
In the meantime, I am scrapping. In part for fun. In part to take my mind off of things out of my control. And in part because I just love when my kit arrives each month and I have fresh ideas ready to scrap with great products! The sneak peeks you see here are from Cocoa Daisy's upcoming October kit called "Aspen Grove." The kit and add-ons will be available soon...and they have been selling out more and more quicly each month. So get ready to grab one this time around!

One, two, three...here we go!

So here we are. On the last day of Crew being 3! It has gone way too quickly, as time just has a way of moving. Yet it has felt like Crew has been a part of my life forever too. I can't imagine life without him in it! I clicked back to September 2008 and voila! There he was in his debut post. He was a charmer from the very beginning and received 100 well-wishes from many of you too. I think that is one of my favorite ways to describe my little guy- he's a charmer. He has a way of lighting up a room. With just his eyes at times. Or his larger than life grin. And most often his favorite way to make an entrance is to be heard even before h has been seen! He's a loud one!
But we have grown to love every single aspect of him. Even the ones that push our buttons and make us have to literally hold him down for a few minutes to get his little mind and body to drift off to sleep. Even at almost age 4.
He came into this big world of ours in a rather mellow way. He was my easiest, fastest delivery and his birth was an even planned affair as I was induced just 3 hours before he made his appearance. We were so ready to welcome him into our lives and home and family. Even when skeptics criticized the way our family was contributing to the economic crisis in America, we knew without a doubt that he was going to be loved and cherished and make this world a better place by being in it. I still remember those first hours, days and weeks when he was placed in my arms and as we got to know him and feel the weight and warmth of him in our arms. We were all on cloud 9 for a long time. Well, for about 6 months, truthfully. And then he realized he wanted to go and do and get into everything else that he saw his siblings going and doing and getting into. =)
But he was a wonder and a true gift and here we are. One, two, three and on the eve of turning foure years old, I can tell you that he still is a wonder and a gift. He has filled our lives with love, joy, laughter, tears, pain, fun, and so many other things in between. I recall holding his tiny body and just staring at how perfect he was and wondering what I had ever done right in my life to deserve something- someONE- so wonderful as him. I still don't have an answer to that question of mine. But I am thankful an infinite number of times over that he was born into our family and we feel lucky over and over to have Crew Tillman in our hearts and lives as a result. Forever.
Happy birthday, my dear Crew. You are one loved, loud, lovable and lucky little guy. We can't wait to see you blow out 4 candles and eat cake and grow a little bit more into who you were made to be! xoxo

Sometimes I think my biggest issue in life...

We are living in a beautiful rental home right now, awaiting the sale of our home in Michigan. We've been in this house just a few days shy of nine months now. Most of the people in our small town have been very warm and welcoming. But we have a young couple living next door to us. Our front step is probably 10 yards from their driveway. We have them come and go a hundred times or more. We have large, full-sized windows that wrap arund the side of our home that faces theirs. We spend a lot of time in this living room. It's hard to not notice when they come and go.
And yet, not once, in 9 months, have they said hello. Only 3 times have they responded to our waves. And when I say "our waves", I am talking about when the kids or I are sitting on the front step blowing bubbles or eating string cheese or any other snack outside. They look over, but quickly turn away. We have never imposed on their property. We have never been obnoxious- at least from my perspective. =)
I have tried to teach my kids to treat others with kindness and respect. I know from experience that you also cannot possibly know what another person is feeling or thinking. But I still believe in a good old-fashioned neighborly hello and a response to a friendly wave.
I tried on another occasion to bring a loaf of banana bread to this young couple. I know a few things about them. He is an electrician; he drives the company van. They are very particular. They keep their {white} cars washed and spotless. They edge their lawn a few times in the summer. The man rides an orange motorcycle most often on weekends. The woman rides a bicycle with a wicker basket in front. She often wears a colorful scarf. And/or sunglasses.
The thing is, they seem so 'normal' and so I just assume in our small community and in the family-type neighborhood in which we live that they would respond to friendly gestures. It feels "odd" to me that we have lived and seen them and know lots of little things about them- bu have never exchanged names or hellos. Or bread. =)
Yesterday I wrapped up a little loaf of pumpkin bread and attached a small tag to it and set it on my counter to bring to them when they got home. It just so happened that they didn't return until after dark. So my attempt at being a nice neighbor fell to the wayside.
Chip has told me to just "drop it". Get over the fact that they don't want any type of relationship with their neighbors and let them be. I feel bad that we live in a society where people no longer feel the need to be 'social'. Given the realm of "social media" and the way people connect all over the world, to me it is a sad testament that online relationships and virutal friendships can and have and are easily replacing "real life" relationships. I just think it's sort of a sad reality that people can be so aloof that they can't even wave.
I realize that maybe one of my big "issues" in life is that I sometimes 'care too much'. I get that I am a people person and I love that everyone has a story. I love that we can be "total opposites" and yet be best friends, or we can be so much alike that we laugh and point fingers at our own quirks. I have many. I am not always the best friend. Both online and in real life. But I do hope that I never become so shut out to people around me that I can't respond to their waves of hello. And in so doing, quite possibly miss out on a little home-baked goodness too.

More milestones.

Brock, Bella and Ava started school two days ago. We are in full swing of adjusting to a new fall schedule/routine and that is always a bit challenging when you have 8 people plugging along nicely with a laid-back summer schedule. But I know we will find our new groove. As we do each year at this time. My biggest challenge is to get some ready and out the door and keep the others from following that are supposed to stay home! =) Teague and Crew would gladly throw on flip flops and join the 'big kids' for a bus ride. They think it looks fun and we have had a couple of mornings of "meltdowns" over not being able to accomodate their young wishes.
Wyndham is getting ready to start a new schedule soon too. We just don't have all the details of what that entails for her quite yet. But the process is underway. I wrote an update on my FB status yesterday about how hard the first day of school is for me as I process grief in the mix of my kids growing up too. I have never been able to picture Teagan growing up- even as all her siblings do- and so to think of my little girl as a sophmore this year literally brought me to tears yesterday morning. Not a long, hard cry. But the kind of cry where I realize we have had to surrender so many dreams we had for her and we missed out on so much of the living that we imagined with her through the years. Knowing she would be so grown up and yet having only photos and mementos left of her as such a little girl just makes my heart wince with a pain I have felt over and over the past decade and more. I miss her especially so on days like this. Yet I know without a doubt that even a split second in Heaven will more than make up for whatever it is I have had to endure here on earth. So I hold tight to the hope of glory and the promises that God is making all things new. In His time.
When the kids came home from school yesterday I had baked a brownie pie and as we sat around the table eating the fresh-baked after school snack and discussing the exciting events of the first day, Bella looked across the table at Wyndham for a moment. She then turned to me and said, "I wonder if Wyndham is sad that she didn't get to go to school today?" I explained to Bella that Wyndham went to a meeting and she will likely be starting her own classes soon.
I thought that would be the end of that conversation.
Instead, my thoughtful, new fifth grader looked right into my eyes and her eyes started to well with tears. Without a bit of hesitation, Bella replied to me, "I wish I could trade my body with Wyndham for a week so that she would be able to know what it feels like to be a normal kid like the rest of the kids in my class". She was so serious and so tender and passionate and even hurt about not being able to actually act on something she wanted for her sister so badly. My own throat got that feeling in it that I feel every so often about wishing things so different. At that moment I wished that none of us was having this be a part of our "first day back at school" afternoon chat. It's heavy stuff over a piece of warm brownie pie!
I couldn't hold back my own emotions. Not after I had cried over my broken dreams with Teagan earlier in my day. So I let my tears fall and I gave Bella a hug as her own lip quivered and I told her that that was a remarkable thing to wish to do for Wyndham. She seemed sort of surprised that I would say it's amazing to want to do that for Wyndham. She said to me, "I would if I could, Mom! I would give anything to let Wyndham just be a regular kid for once!" Oh my...my Mommy heart felt like it could burst. I was moved at the sincerity and empathy from one daughter; I was wishing the world for another; and I wanted a do-over with Teagan all at the same instance.
I don't live in this kind of emotional and heartfelt world all the time. More often than not there are arguments between kids over silly things, there is 'drama' over remotes and Wii's and who gets to play the computer next. But in that instance I realized that aside from all that stuff we are learning and experiencing stuff firsthand that makes us more sensitive to others- more aware of struggles. Ours and others too. A "normal" afterschool snack felt like a divine experience- even though I'm not even fully certain of what occurred. All  I know is I could "feel" Bella's heart. I could see Wyndham's own face with a smile on it as she ate her chocolate brownie bites, and my own heart was feeling gratitude, longing, amazement and peace all at once. It was just abit later that Wyndham was playing with her iPad and she literally poked me and turned the screen my way as she pointed to it. She has an app with all sorts of word choices that she has been getting to learn a bit at therapy and by playing with it at home. This time she had formed a 3-word sentence which read, "I want carrots". I looked at her beaming face and said, "You want carrots?" and she got so excited that I had got the message. She was so proud of herself and I was proud and blown away too! I of course, got right up from my spot at the table and brought back a little dish of mini carrots for her to eat. She was so excited all over again. It was so cute I took the picture even though the lighting was terrible. I knew I wanted to remember such a major milestone moment with her. I don't know how far she will go with the challenges that lie ahead of her. I don't know what any of my ids will face in our futures to come. But I do know that the ride is amazing and full of emotions at times that make my head and heart spin. I am so glad that 3 of my kids are off to a good start this school year. I am thankful that we have so many reasons to be thankful- no matter what we will face. I am thankful that my kids are learning to care about other people who are less fortunate than themselves and they have a front seat to how extra-special needs people can be the ones to enrich our lives- as Wyndham does in ours every single day.
The milestones may "look different" than I imagine them at times. But they are treasures and gifts that make the journey so great. Even at the twists and turns that I wish we didn't have to take at times. I am thankful that God is leading the way.

Why I love to scrap...

When I am "in the zone", everything I see and experience becomes an idea, inspiration or trigger that makes me want to scrap and create something. I am so happy to say that that feeling and desire has returned to me in full force the past couple of months. I know it may sound crazy to some, but I will admit that I actually included scrapping in my prayer life. I have written about my struggle with depression and just feeling like life was getting the best of me from about the time Wyndham had her major surgery and I had a newborn plus  other kiddos to care for at the same time. I had already "let scrapping go" in a way because the site and friends I had been so active and close with at SIStv shut down and most of us went our seperate ways since we are actually miles and miles apart in the physical world.

So as things became progressively overwhelming in life and I became progressively bitter about parts of my life, the thing I felt least like doing at that time was documenting the details of my life. The details were not "pretty". They weren't fun. Or exciting. Or even different. There were stretches in that time of my life where I went days without even leaving the house. One stretch was a full 17 days! It wasn't for lack of my wanting to leave; but the fact was I couldn't leave. Chip and I were {and still are} Wyndham's full-time caregivers. When she was in double casts, we were the ones to change every diaper {and we still do}, administer pain meds round the clock, bathe her as best we could, and get anything and everything she needed, since she was immobile. It was and sometimes still is exhausting, just to meet her daily needs. Throw in 4 other rambunctious, growing, healthy kids and one newborn nursing baby into that equation, and it's no wonder I couldn't step foot out my front door to even get the mail at that time. Chip would grab groceries on his way home from work every couple of days, and other than dropping off and picking up the kids from school, we were stuck at home.

It was hard. It felt unfair. It was smothering. It was tiring.  I can't tell you the number of loads of laundry I did. I can't tell you the number of times I wished I had a different set of life circumstances at that point in time. I can't tell you how many months Chip and I didn't even get to sleep in the same room- much less go out and have some one-to-one couple time without worrying about meeting someone's needs.

It was a time when our world seemed very small. And yet our "problems" felt very big and real.

Flash forward through nearly 2 years and we have come a long, long way.

My attitude has started to come back to the one I remember and love best. The kind of attitude that says, "Yes, rough stuff happens, but we have it oh so GOOD!". The clouds have lifted in my heart one tiny bit at a time as I have watched Wyndham gain at least some strength back and finally gotten to the point where she can move around on her feet instead of a chair. She is not "the old Wyndham" that we had before in that she basically sits/stays in one place all day unless we help, ask or demand her to move. She used to walk around the house and play what sh wanted to play and interact with her siblings and do stuff like open the fridge and point to what she wanted to drink. She has an iPad that she loves now. She doesn't use a wheelchair at home, and she is close to herself at least when it comes to her sense of humor being back. So we are thrilled with that type of progress. But I wonder at this point if she will ever be like she used to be. I never want to hold her back, so I support her and push her and we continue to have her in therapies each week.

Teague has gone from newborn to a big 2 year old now. He wants nothing more than to do everything the "big kids" do around here. So that means he has mastered the iPad. And Angry Birds on our cell phones too. He plays hard, eats well, laughs lots, looks for trouble, gets in trouble, still takes daily naps, and basically continues to capture our hearts all while we try to find ways to wrangle him and keep him from too much trouble.

We have moved. We are not settled. But as I wrote earlier in a post about excuses in life, I knew that just because I didn't have spot set up or my scrap supplies unpacked didn't mean I had to give up the creative side of me that was craving the opportunity to make stuff. Between all the demands of life and the stress of not being settled in a home is about the time when I decided to take my 'cravings' to God. Why I didn't just come to Him with one of the great needs of my heart in the first place, I don't know. Maybe it's because I think in comparison to some problems in my own life and certainly in our big world around all of us, it just didn't seem to deserve a spot in my prayers. Maybe it's because I just felt like I should be able to meet my needs in that area of my life all on my own. Maybe it's because in all the Bible stories I have ever read since I was a little girl I don't ever recall anyone asking God to give them opportunities to scrap and create stuff.

But for me scrapping isn't just about cutting and gluing and playing around with cute stickers and ribbons and stuff. It has been so much more than that to me. The most important part of it has been the friendships I have established with other scrappers/creative people. These people have become a part of my life and connecting with people who have the same passion for the same kind of stuff is a truly wonderful thing to me. It has gone beyond sharing pictures and projects- to sharing hopes, fears and even wild dreams too. It's true I was missing the "stuff". But more than that I was missing the people who love to share that stuff and love to see me share too. It has been more than just putting memories and photos down on pages and in mini books. Scrapping in my life has opened doors and given me expereinces with people I would otherwise never have crossed paths with in my daily life. It has stretched me creatively and grown a part of my heart that I would have otherwise never have known existed.

It has become a way for me to share what's in my heart in a tangible way. It has become a wonderful outlet for me to express some of the funny or serious, or simple and quirky, or heartfelt and fleeting things that touch my heart and mind. I used to think that scrapping meant you took your kids' school photos and glued them to a page with stickers and the name of their teacher that year. But it is so much more than that. One of the things I love most about creating pages and other things is that there are no set rules. There are no 'right or wrong' ways of doing things. You don't have to put your pictures on a straight line. You don't have to match your alphabet letters to your paper. Anything goes. You don't even need pictures. You can just make what you want, how you want to, and out of whatever you want to use. And in the process of doing that stuff I have made some great friends and filled a few albums with pages of stories and pictures that I hope will give the people I love glimpses of what was on my heart and mind at that time.

Being a part of the Cocoa Daisy community has been an answer to my prayer. I was asking God to give me ways to connect with others {being a stuck-at-home mom is hard work!} and ways to tap into the creative side of life that I had been missing and craving. Without even knocking on it or looking for it, the door to Cocoa Daisy swung open. I felt from the first moment that it was God's way of answering my prayer. I am so thankful that He is a God who cares about the smallest details of our lives. I know I have bigger,pressing needs (like selling a house, for one) in life, but I love that God sees our hearts when we open them to Him and He even meets our needs in ways that surprise us.

The pages I share with you today are a couple that I created using the September kit called, He Said, She Said. It goes on sale to anyone that wants one on September 1st. That page about Teague in his sock monkey jammies just makes me happy. I cut strips and strips of paper and stapled them down and then added a bunch of little details that I thought were so fun. He has outgrown those little pajamas, but I couldn't help but want to hold on to my memory of him in them anyway. I called him, "Mr. Monkey Pants" in the morning when I would get him out of his crib. So the journaling reads, "You may grow up and hold a distinguished title someday, but I'll always be grateful that you started out as Mr.Monkey Pants to me."

The second page is a snapshot of some of us eating ice cream cones on the front step. We haven't taken big trips or done major summer outings as a family, but just seeing the smiles on our faces made me realize we have such an amazing life regardless of the stuff we might not have. Just recognizing that the ordinary days of summer- where we are all healthy and together and laughing and eating ice cream- is a gift and I am grateful for every ordinary day we have.

My heart is full right now. I love that scrapping fills it up a bit too.

The usual around here...fun and scrapping.

I was keeping up with Nitty.Gritty. with all those wedding memories, and then suddenly nothing again for 10 days. I can tell you that real life mimics my blog much of the time. Summer is a time where things are very laid-back and as you can see, inconsistent in our home too. =) I am working on striking some balance somewhere, but trying to get 6 kids on board with my idea is proving to be the most challenging aspect to that.
Chip and I had a quick bowl of soup at the hoagie joint downtown Northfield on our anniversary. We marked 17 years by trying to come to a decision about whether or not to rent a home here in town long-term, while we continue to wait for our house in Michigan to sell. The house we're renting right now suits our needs- but has been very frustrating to us as the realtors have had several showings and that means we {I} have to clean the house top to bottom and we have to get 8 of us out of the home for a couple of hours. No easy- or fun- feat! We should have just enjoyed our soup, but instead we made pros/cons lists and tried to solve world peace together as we reflected back on 17 years of life together. Let's just say we didn't solve world peace. But we did eventually decide to just stay put in our current rental for now. We are still praying, waiting on God's timing and hoping that our house will finally get an offer on it so that we can begin to settle our family in more permanently here in Minnesota. Can you believe that we've been here 8 months already?! It goes quickly and yet we would love to be 'real homeowners' again. So we wait for all that big stuff to fall into place. Easier said than done!
Besides our anniversary, Teague turned 2 on the 19th! Chip was busy with a tournament at the club all weekend, so we had sort of a mellow day for Teague. But 2-year olds don't need a whole lot and they can get excited anyway! Part of his day involved getting a new red tricycle. He has loved it from the first sighting of it! He also got to blow out his candles that were poked into a frosted doughnut. He loves doughnuts and even got to come to the store to pick the variety along with me. He was cheering when we got to the case of pastries. I am pretty sure that means he has a sweet tooth. =) Later in the day we also had a "Banana Bar" where we had sliced bananas that everyone dipped in melted chocolate and then there were a bunch of cupcake liners with miscellaneous toppings to dip the chocolate slices into and then eat. It was a bit of a mess, but a whole lot of fun. And I think that is exactly what turning 2 should be about.
We love our little strong-willed, loud, funny, energetic, cuddly, and doughnut-loving little guy. He has brought a whole new dimension to our lives the past two years and we are thankful that he has been a part of our lives and heart since we first learned we would be having another baby Ferlaak. I am sure we will have many more stories, fun, laughter and sweets with Teague in the coming years too. I hope he always keeps his sense of humor and his love of music too!
Finally, I am just getting into my latest box of scrap fun from Cocoa Daisy! The September kit is called "He Said. She Said." and it is such a great mix of colors and I have a bunch of ideas for those tiny wooden cutouts that I decorated.  I am still absolutely loving my spot on the design team there. Each day on the message boards I have been getting to host a thread called, "QOTD" which stands for Question of the Day. You are more than welcome to register on the Cocoa Daisy site and when you do that you are welcome to read the message boards, participate in any thread you like, play along with the challenges and we would love for you to start a gallery and share your own creations with us there too! You do not have to be a subscriber of the kits or stamps to do so. We love having people around and sharing ideas...and who knows?! Maybe you will want to get an occasional kit or a subscription of monthly scrap goodies. I can tell you from my own experience that it is a great deal...the kits are SO stylish and full of a great mix of papers and extras to craft. You will not be sorry. But like I said, you are free to just join in the fun and check us all out for a bit too! I would love to get to know you better through the message boards. It's just a fun, lively place to "hang out" and connect with other people online. I promise that we are a lot of fun too. =)
That is a recap of the life and times of the Ferlaak family the past couple of weeks. We are hoping to get a bit of warm weather in the next 12 days so that summer will feel like it was summer before it is over so soon. We have loved our lack of schedule and the way we have gotten to sleep in, stay in jammies, make messes, and not worry about homework, alarms, or making lunches by 7:30am. I sometimes wish it could stay summer year round! Ok. I would like one week of fall, one week of winter and maybe even a couple of weeks of spring. But I do love summer the most!

Our happily ever after...

I drove past a marquee today that had the names of a couple and their wedding date {August 4,2012} under the heading "Happily Ever After". When I look at these pictures taken just seconds after we were pronounced husband and wife, I love that I see smiles and sunshine and applause from the people around us who were in our lives and supporting our love for each other on that day. I love that even as I remember trying to keep my heels from sinking too deeply into the soft ground as I walked, that what was most on my mind was the fact that I was now "a new person".
I had just become "Mrs. John Ferlaak". Chip's real name is John. Nobody calls him that since he was given the nickname 'Chip' when he was about a year old. Nobody has ever called me Mrs. John Ferlaak that I can recall. But on that day I changed from Jody Hackett to Jody S. Ferlaak and I knew something big had occurred. I knew it was a big change. I knew that my name changing hadn't changed who I was exactly, but rather it was going to shape the who I would become for the rest of my life.
I am humbled to look at the beauty and joy and happiness that I can see when I look at all the photos from our wedding day. People search the world high and low to find what Chip and I have simply had from even before our wedding day. I knew without a doubt as I walked down the aisle that day that Chip would be with me by my side until one of us should perish. I knew from this day forward he would be by my side through the ups and downs- laughters and tears.
I am so grateful that he has not only walked hand in hand with me, but that he has been a rock when I'v needed him to stand strong for both of us. He has also been my soft place and a warm embrace over and over again when life has demanded that we simply weep together because there are no words. I am eternally humbled and even overwhelmed at times that we found this in one another. Those beautiful moments of happiness and joy as we walked hand in hand to our own version of "Happily Ever After" are even more special to me now as I look back and see where life's path has had us trod. My heels have often threatened to sink down deep- figurativeyly speaking- many, many times. I am just so lucky to know that I have someone willing to walk beside me and hold my hand...and because of him I am still to this day "Mrs. John Ferlaak". That name has changed me in many ways- it's true. For the better. And better. And I imagine, that if we are granted many more days and years together, there is better yet to come too! We are a very, very lucky couple!

I owe them a big "thanks"!

Chip's mom, Karen, commented to me on FB that her memories of our wedding day vary just a bit from the ones I have written about here the past couple of days. I knew that all along, but when she made mention of it and as I thought about it I realized I probably never thanked Chip's parents enough for all they did do for us that day. I maybe thought our smiles and joy through that day spoke for themselves. I hope I said thank you back then. But after 17 years, my memory is a bit fuzzy when it comes to the kind of thank you I may or may not have said.
So today I am remembering back to our beautiful wedding day and I am making sure that my thank you is loud and clear. =) THANK YOU, John and Karen for everything you did to help make our wedding day one to remember so fondly. You see, most of the time the parents of the bride are all a flurry before and on the wedding day. There's no doubt my parents were busy with extra demands at that time because of our wedding. But in our case, Chip's parents bore most of the 'burden' of the actual event.
Chip and I had been attending church together when we dated and during our year engagement. But it wasn't the kind of place we would have held our ceremony in- as the church was meeting in a high school auditorium at that time. We spent several hours looking at different churches and parks for a location to have our wedding, but nothing was working out for us and in frustration and because we were running out of options we decided to pose the question of using Chip's parents' backyard as our location site. It seemed very plausible to Chip and me, but I do remember feeling like I was holding my breath while we presented our idea to them and waited for their objections. I am sure there head to be some objections. But I guess we were either very convincing, very pathetic, very naive, or maybe a combination of all of them and the next thing I knew Chip and I were excited to know that we now had a place for us to be married.
We didn't think much about the weather {see previous post}. =) I don't recall being concerned about bathroom space, or how much time and energy would need to go into preparing the gardens and yard. I do remember wondering and discussing a bit how the parking arrangements would work for all our guests, but I also recall not caring too mch because I knew I would have a 'front spot'. How selfish of me...yet how absolutely true about me at that time too. I just wanted everything to work out. So the less I worried or made something "my problem" the easier it was to deal with! How nice if I could still live that way, right?! =)
In addition to hosting what ended up being about 175 guests, Karen also made my wedding dress. She made my veil too. She made all of the bridesmaids dresses as well. She tended the garden. She had two teenagers at home at that time. One had a broken leg. Seventeen years later and with an abundance of life experiences under my own belt now, I have a much greater appreciation for all she did for me to pull off our wedding. She must not have slept for the whole month of July and those first 11 days of August that summer. I have no idea how she did it. But I do know I owe her a big thanks. Even all these years later.
I couldn't help but think that after all the planning and sewing and cleaning and rearranging and gardening and everything else that she and John did, that when they finally took their seats in the heat of the sun under the tent with the rose arbor and blooming garden and pool as the backdrop to Chip and I saying their vows, they probably just wanted to breathe for a moment and take it all in. I imagined my own self sitting down in a chair seeing the happiness on my son's face as he is about to make the biggest commitment in his life. I thought about how Chip's mom must have felt. All the times she had sat out in that back yard and watched Chip play with his siblings and neighbors. All the hours she spent waiting for him to come home from the hospital as he had been an extrememly sick, premature baby when he was born. All the memories of him growing and changing and becoming the man who stood before her in her garden. She had put years of hard work into that day. And I apologize now for hardly giving it a second thought.
If ever I owed someone a thanks, it is more than fitting for me to say it here to Chip's mom, Karen, and to his dad, John, as I reflect back on August 12th, 1995. Without them it never would have happened the way it did. Without them my memories of my wedding day would have looked very different. So it is with this understanding and with my most sincere gratitude that I say thank you. Thank you for your part in making our wedding day the most beautiful, special day that it was. Thank you for your hard work, your years of helping to shape Chip into the man of character that he is. Thank you for supporting us as a couple and loving us enough to make even our most outlandish ideas come true. We are so glad for the part you played in our lives and in our wedding day. I am sure Chip would love to join me in saying, "thanks" to you today and for everything you've done for us throughout all our married lives too. We love and appreciate you! 

That morning.

I can't tell you what I had for breakfast that morning. I wasn't really a coffee drinker at that time in my life, which is funny to me now considering how much I love my morning cup of coffee. I would definitely include a latte on my wedding morning to-do list if I were getting married now. I would have an extra dollop of whipped cream on it for good measure too. =)

I can tell you that I remember everyone else around me being a bit panicked about the weather. Our ceremony was scheduled in the afternoon and it was set up outside in Chip's parents' backyard/garden. I wasn't thrilled with the showers that were literally darkening the sky and pouring down rain on our mornng, but I can remember not feeling "worried" about it either. I just had this feeling that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. I didn't want my lack of control over the crazy weather happening outside to spoil my mood. Which, was one of total happiness inside- even though I have a very pensive look on my face for this photo. I was truly feeling a mix of calm and wonderful excitement all rolled into one.

Someone passed along the news to me that Chip's car battery was dead. And the rain showers were not expected to let up for at least a few hours. I remember thinking I probably wasn't going to eat lunch. Which I didn't. I was thinking that I would make up for it by eating a bigger piece of cake later on. =)

Looking back on it now I realize that I was doing then what I have so often had to do on occasion the past 17 years and that is- be flexible; be adaptable; be prepared to see beyond the immediate and be content that somehow it will all be beautiful in the end.

And you know what? It was!

As I finished putting the final touches on my hair and lipstick and stepped into my heels the clouds were literally beginning to part and the sun was starting to appear. When we first started our photos outside, there was still wet cement around the pool/patio area and friends and family were wiping down chairs from the rain and setting up a couple of large canopy tents. Which turned out to be needed even though the rain stopped. Because as the rain moved through, the humidty and sun kicked into high and it was a hot, sticky August afternoon for formalwear. The tents were a bit of shade from all the sun that showered down on our ceremony afterall.

I remember thanking God for both the sun and rain that day, for it gave me the opportunity to see that He cared to work out the little details of that day that just happened to be "big details" to Chip and me and the rest of us at our wedding that August 12th. I was so thankful that our plans all fell smoothly into place even though things didn't go as we had planned them. Oh, what a foreshadowing of what the rest of our lives would be like! I am glad that Chip and I stood hand in hand and invited God to be the center of our lives together from that day forward. I had no idea how much we would be unable to handle on our own, and how much we would indeed need God to carry us through. I am so glad that even as we declared our love in such a beautiful setting under a bright, sunny sky, God held our whole future in His hands.

I remember that the most important thing on my heart and mind as I finished getting ready and waited to wal down the aisle on the verge of the biggest event in my life, I was thankful that God had chosen Chip for me before I ever knew who he was. I was thankful that we loved Him and one another and I believed with all my heart that life was going to be amazing and beautiful. All of it.

What I have learned all these years later is that I was right. Having Chip by my side through the good and the bad has been a beautiful thing. I can only imagine there is a bit more beauty if we are blessed with more days and years together too. And I thank God already for bringing us together to walk our chosen path in life- the rainy days and the sunshiny days. All of them are a part of our story. If I could rewrite any part of our wedding morning, it wouldn't be to take the rain away. I would change the part of not having coffee. With an extra dollop of cream on top! =)

Looking back on our wedding day...

Chip and I are coming up on our 17th wedding annivesary. It doesn't seem like we are old enough for that to be happening! =) But that must be a good thing, right? That the years seem to go by so quickly and we don't feel we age as fast as they go by.
I thought I would challenge myself to blog a photo and a memory or two of that time in our life all week as August 12th approaches. What I must say first of all as I think back to that amazing time in our lives is that I never once had any doubt that we were meant to be together. I never once questioned the step we were taking by getting married and choosing to spend our lives together from that point on. I never once had even a tiny thought that maybe we were too young, or this was happening too soon or that we needed to spend more time getting to know each other or thinking more thoughtfully about this huge commitment we were about to make together.
I was all in.
I was 100% sold that we were going to be a team forever.
I was so certain that I wanted Chip to be on my team. =)
*     *     *     *     *
I am so glad that we said our vows to one another and that all these years later we can still say we are thankful to have made them to each other. I love seeing this photo and thinking back to how absolutely happy we were to know that we had each other for the rest of our lives. I am so happy that in spite of many challenges and bumps in our road that we still find ourselves lost in an occasional kiss like the one in the picture here. That is amazing and lovely and a gift that I don't take for granted in our lives now- nearly 17 years later.
I will tell you that those flowers were very heavy as I held such a large bouquet! Ha! I do remember that! I would definitely go with a smaller bunch of flowers if we were doing our wedding over. I would probably not mke Chip wear such a formal tux for an outdoor garden wedding again, but that just goes to show that we have changed and grown and gives me even more reason to be thankful that we are still a team.
I hope you don't mind my memories, photos and even a bit of sappiness as I recount our wedding day all this week. I just feel like marriage is something that is so worthy of time and discussion and I feel so blessed that Chip and I are still together that to me it just makes sense to write it down and share a tiny bit of this blessing with the rest of the Nitty.Gritty. world.
Tomorrow...another story and photo. And if I am lucky, I might even get a guest post from Chip this week too!

A bit of scrapping fun!

Tonight is the first "reveal night" that I have the privilege to be a part of over at Cocoa Daisy. If scrapping is as fun for you as it is for me...or if you want it to be, come on by and see what Cocoa Daisy has in store for the month of August. The pictures here are some of my sneak peeks and I was in love with everything I got to cut and glue and create out of this kit called Santa Fe Sunset.
There is even a thread on the message board where some of us have shared our favorite memories and/or places where we've experienced amazing sunrises and sunsets. We had a beautiful sunset a few nights ago just after a storm rolled through. The billowy clouds came out. The sky turned bright pink and then burst into a firey orange that had Crew almost jumping up and down. He was so excited he said, "Mom, look what painter did now...orange!" We saw a rainbow a minute later and I always so appreciate the reminder of the rainbow that God is ever-present. He is always at work in the world...and He will never let us go. Oh how I need that reminder so often!