Growing up and stuff. =)

The other night after dinner the funniest thing that my kids have said happened in a long time. So funny, that I decided I had to share it here for the Nitty.Gritty. archives. =) The background is that my kids are getting older and we're all growing up around here- and with growing comes changes! There had been some 'meltdown' among the kids and in the middle of the round this time, was Bella. She is 10 and in fifth grade. At that nice age where sometimes you think you're still a kid, and sometimes you think you don't want to be one anymore. Throw a couple of younger siblings/toddler in the mix and it can be the perfect scenario for a meltdown.
I don't even recall what the fuss was all about, I just know that I had called to Bella to calm down or to back off or go to a different room a couple of times and instead, I had to go 'break it up' myself. Not that there was fighting going on, it was just playtime getting too loud, wild and in my mom's mind- the perfect timing for an injury. So to avoid it, I asked her to go to her room and take a break. I told her she could read a book or write or just hang out. Instead of happily heading to her room, she sighed and seemed even more upset. I was just outside her room doing a load of laundry and I could tell she was upset. So I went into her room and asked if we could just talk for a few minutes. It turned into one of "those talks".
The kind of talk where a mom tells her daughter how much she loves her and that feelings are okay- no matter if they are happy, sad, angry, disppointed, excited or whatever. I talked to her about how because she's a girl and because of her age sometimes there will be days {or moments or weeks!} that you feel things and you're not even sure why exactly. I told her about hormones. I told her about body changes. I told her about emotional highs and lows and how lucky she is to be a girl! {insert sarcasm here...at least a little bit, right ladies!} After our talk she was feeling so much better. She had lots of questions that I could answer, and I know we have more talks ahead of us. But we both felt good about what we had shared and we ended with some big smiles and big hugs.
Flash forward to just a few minutes after dinnertime. I was in the kitchen cleaning up and Bella and Crew and Teague were just a matter of feet away from me in the master bedroom off our kitchen. Bella was supposed to entertain the boys for a few minutes- with a Christmas show or something "calm" while I cleaned up. Easy enough, right?! Well, I started hearing lots of noise and I could tell there was nothing calm going on in that room. So I looked up from what I was doing and saw Bella half-jumping on my bed and the boys were all over her with glee.
I said, "Isabella! You need to mellow out and find something calm to do right away!" To which she replied as she laughed loudly too, "Mom...it's the hormones!" I started laughing and barely a split second later Crew shouts out happily, "I want to buy hormones!" He was so serious and happy as he said it. Bella laughed outloud and quickly replied to him, "You don't need any hormones...you're wild enough already!"
Ha...ha...ha! I am still laughing as I was that night too. It was all so fast and funny. Crew still has no clue what a hormone is- nor does he get that you don't normally buy them. {Although Wyndham was on hormone shots for 7 years, so maybe he thinks he could use a few doses.} =) Bella, it turns out, equates hormones more with happiness, excitement and adreniline. Which is in part, very true. We just have to have further talks, it seems. Me? It turns out I do have lots of things to blog about just like this. I just don't have the time I used to before 2 little boys were added to our family mix. The pictures here are from last March too. I found a bunch on my phone and have been adding them to my computer a few at a time. I take so many photos!
And now for a bit more "stuff". If you left a comment on the previous post and want a possible Christmas card from me, I said I would pick a couple names by Thursday, but instead, I need you to email me your addresses BY Thursday! I wasn't thinking of how much time I need to get them sent off to you by Christmas. So, here you go: nitty.grittyjody@yahoo.com. Put 'christmas card' in the subject line and I will send out as many as I get the chance to do! I baked some Christmas cookies yesterday and had a very thoughtful, heart-heavy weekend, as so many of us did. I have lots of thoughts and am still praying and processing as I hold the families of Newtown close in my heart. I hope the whole community can feel all our love.

12.12.12

Considering this date doesn't happen again for another hundred years, I figured it was profound enough to take a bit of time out of my busy day and actually write a blog. When I go days or even weeks at a time without even a photo posted, it usually isn't for lack of something to say, but more often than notit means so much is happening that I don't have time to stop and take note of it here at Nitty.Gritty. It also is very likely that I am dealing with stuff, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually that are just hard for me to articulate, or that in fact, I would rather not even be dealing with, so I absolutely don't care to write it down and share it with the world.
I do always promise to keep it real around here- and have been criticized for being too raw even! But the fact is sometimes even I can't write it down and get it out in this format as I trudge through it. So I hold it inside and I am sure there will be lessons learned or great insights to this stuff later on. Sometimes you just have to sit in a place and let it unfold and then looking back it takes on a whole new meaning. I am sitting and waiting for meaning right now.
Now, when I say 'sitting and waiting' you know that isn't literally what I am doing! My to-do list as a mom to 6 kids ages 2 to 13 is never-ending and after having just moved a month ago and throwing in Thanksgiving and now Christmas, well, it is just a phrase I use. I am sitting and waiting in my heart and mind. But I am otherwise busy keeping up with the kids' schedules and events and getting them back into their new-ish routine. There are things that changed and things that stayed the same since we moved a year ago, and it is still a bit of an adjustment getting it all feeling "back to normal".
I have been busy trying to make some cards for Christmas {that's a couple of different ones turning my favorite stamp into a Christmas card/banner} and actually get some in the mail before too long. I love playing with my scraps and glitter and just listening to Christmas music while I think of the people I am writing my cards to. It is a nice way for me to put my heart into something that is such a traditional part of Christmas. The mail! I know that real cards in the mailbox are getting rarer and rarer as technology has connected us more and more in recent years. But to me, instead of seeming like a waste of time, paper and energy, it seems even more important that the art of Christmas cards not get lost. To me it tells the receiver you are indeed as special in my life as I hope you know and this card is a way of saying so. I hope to never get too wrapped up in computers and phones and such that cards aren't a part of Christmas. Last year we had just moved and there was no way I could get cards out to friends. This year feels good for me to be able to do that and to handmake some of my cards is a gift to me as much as it mightbe to anyone else who gets one.
To prove my point and to just have some random holiday fun, I would love for any of you who still read to leave me a comment and just say Merry Christmas, or share your favorite holiday food or Christmas cookie. Tell me a way you are going to make this year special for someone less fortunate than you or where you are heading for Christmas day. Any comment will do, really. I will choose one {or two, if that many of you actually leave a comment...my readers are sparse these days!} and send you a Christmas card and photo. Just make sure to share your email address or come back and check to see if you've won. I will choose the winner by next Thursday {Dec. 20th} which just so happens to be my 40th birthday too! It should be a wild day for me!
I posted a picture of Wyndham and me here because she is just doing so well right now. I always worry a bit more about her as the winter approaches because she has not faired so well through the years when it comes to her weakened immune system and all the viruses and junk that gets passed around everywhere you go. For her, even a cold and flu has far too often turned into a hospital stay. Last year was her first year since she her head injury that she didn't need an ER visit or extended stay for any reason. I am hoping we can make that a tradition too and go for at least two consecutive years! It would be a wonderful thing for her and us as a family. Hospital stays are rough on everyone!
Wyndham is finishing up some evaluations at her rehabilitation center and will be back on a regular schedule again. She so loved her aquatherapy before and the pool was such a motivator for her. She has been much more mobile and even a bit independent in our home sine moving back here. I don't know if she is just more comfortable in the space or what it is exactly, but it is still even a bit shocking for me to look back to the dining table for instance, and see that she has left her spot and is off in another room. After not having gotten up from her spot for over 2 years, it is just surprising to see her do things like that on her own. The fact that she doesn't speak or really make noise is another reason it's unexpected and surprising. She would make a great spy I think. =) Her happiness is something that I never take for granted.
I love the picture of her and I because the truth is it was a bit cold and windy that day out at the beach. She doesn't really like being outdoors in the first place, much less in the cold, wind and blowing sand. I am just so proud of her and the way that she lets us push her sometimes and proud of how she pushes her own self at other times. It's sometimes a tricky dance to do- especially as a mom whose heart is bent on her comfort and ease and happiness moreso than on her growth and overcoming obstacles. She didn't want to take one step onto the state beach for our family pictures that day. We coaxed her as the other kids took off running. Teague and Crew were ahead of all of us, even though they're the youngest and smallest. She made some faces to let us know that she was unsure, uncomfortable and would much rather get back inside the toasty van and watch us all have fun without her. But even as we tried telling her that the sand was okay for her to walk on and that we certainly weren't going to let her lose her footing in it, she held on tightly. She looks to us for a lot of support, and yet we know that it's not always best for her to just sit back and watch life happen around her. The more steps we took, the trickier it got for the first bit of the beach. The sand dunes are tall and the wind was really blowing and the sand was in the air too. It wasn't your typical day at the beach.
She hung in there. We got a blanket out and let her sit down and just get a sense of the space she was in as we gathered the other kids around for an attempt at a family picture. I fully expected her to be in tears as I reached down to straighten the corner of the blanket she was on and the wind snapped it and sand went in her hair and eyes. As I helped brush her off and get her eyes cleared, instead of tears, Wyndham let out a small chuckle. I knew then that she was going to make this experience better than I had expected. She ended up walking a long ways down by the water and she held some items the kids picked up- a stick, some dune grass and all the while I was thinking how amazing it was that she was even here. How many times she pulled through something that was threatening her physically. She has had too many listless days for me to count over the years. I have seen her at her worst and it still comes to my mind in nightmares at times. So to see her beaming in a place where I would never expect her to shine was a really special thing for me to see. I could brag on all my other kids {and maybe I will get some more time to do so!} too, but Wyndham's smiles will always be a bit different and hold a meaning that I feel in my heart better than I can put into words. To have been by her side as she has lived through some really traumatic things; the challenges she still has and always will; the day-to-day struggles that she has endured and yet to see her smile in a picture like this as though life has been nothing but sunny is astounding to me. I know there will be days that are hard for her yet to come. But knowing she has such strength and a deep happiness in spite of it all is inspiring to me. I haven't been on top of my game lately, and I hoping that reminders like this from Wyndham will light the fire in me again. She certainly deserves me being my best and I love her so much I am willing to shoot for that now and always! Okay...the comments are open if you care about getting a card from less-than-perfect me. =) Happy twelve, twelve, twelve Day too!

Happy month of December.

Happy December, indeed. I am so looking forward to this month of reflection and celebration. Even, or maybe because of, a year of feeling unsettled and yet blessed in so many ways, it just seems fitting to take some time to ponder it all and to look to the One who is the cause of joy in our hearts and lives always.
I am sharing some of the things I created using the December Cocoa Daisy kit called, "Hello my name is". It was one of my favorite kits to date since I joined the team this past July. I have loved setting up my scrapspace in our new "old" home the past couple of weeks. I have loved getting to make cards and miniboooks and pages using a whole host of fun, colorful and new products~ including my personal favorite stamp exclusive to the Cocoa Daisy boutique- those antlers. =) {You can view my December gallery here.}
My love for them has grown seemingly out of nowhere, and it continues to grow too! At one point antlers became my symbol for hope and anticipation. So it's only fitting for me to use that image during this Christmas season, but also anytime I need to hold onto the ideal of what is yet to come. They sort of embody for me what life is about- that spot in our hearts that believes in a bright future and of good yet to come. For me it's not just about the fun and festivities, but the true belief that God is still at work in our broken, fallen world and that the belief in His Son, Jesus whom He sent t earth as a baby in a manger came not just as a cute story for the holiday season. But He came to enter into our human world and feel and experience it- as dark and cold and bleak as it is at times- He not only lived it and felt it all, but He brought hope and light and healing to those of us who believe in Him as Jesus and God. He came to save. He came to restore. He came because He is God and He is love! That reality never changes, no matter what our circumstances are in life. For that reason alone, we ALL can celebrate and choose Joy this time of year. I love that this time of year brings reason to rejoice- or maybe just the reminder for many of us who have forgotten or were overwhelmed at times in our year that there is always hope, always more peace and love and joy out there for the taking. We just have to have open hearts and eyes that are willing to look for it and then sit back and wait for God to reveal it to us in His way and in His time.
I am ever grateful for the way He shows us He is still very much involved in our world. In big and small ways. The Bible tells us that He is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow and that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He cares and loves us always! What a wonderful promise and yet more reasons to celebrate the God of every season.
I don't know what my future holds. I don't know what job my husband will get. Or if I will have to get a job too! =) I don't know why we moved out of state and back again in a year. I don't know why we were called to have Teagan taken from our lives more than a decade ago, and yet we miss her and wish she were still a very real part of our family photos to this day. I don't know why Wyndham has struggled to get back on her feet for two years, nor do I know what she will accomplish in her life as a result of her hard work in therapy for more than a decade now too. I don't know what the future holds for any of my kids or for any of us. But I do know that we can rest assured that when we take hold of not just the story of Jesus, but if we truly believe in the one who was sent to save, that we can walk day by day with a peace that passes all understanding and that gives assuarance to us that everything is going to work out in the end.
I am hoping to rest more and claim that peace even more in the coming days and years even. God is so good and even when we can't see it, feel it, sense it or taste it in our daily lives, I do know that we can trust God to be true to His promises to us. Always.
Isaiah 9:6-7 "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father,
Prince of Peace.
Of the greatness of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David’s throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this."

Wild and crazy...and tasty too.

 Oh my.

It has been quite a month in the life of Nitty.Gritty. It feels like more than a month, actually. I am not even sure how to do a recap in blogpost form. There could be several posts about what we just went through. And maybe there will be as I continue to process everything that has happened.

For now I will do a 'quick overview' and the good news for you is that it starts with cupcakes! =) Hooray for gourmet cupcakes in the middle of life's dramas, right?! The good part isn't even the cupcakes- as delicious and amazing as they were. And let me tell you, they were amazing! The good part is the people in our lives behind the cupcakes and behind us all the way as we lived out some of the most stress we have endured in a long while.

Without re-reading my previous post {and I rarely read my own blog posts}, I am not even entirely certain where I left off. There were so many twists and turns and ups and downs and the feeling that life was going to go one direction and the reality is that we ended up in a whole different direction. To be perfectly honest, I sort of feel like I don't know where I am right now, how I got here, or what I am supposed to be doing now. It has been a wild and restless whirlwind, and I think we are still trying to 'settle down' and just pause and catch our breath.

The good-bye cupcakes came about because we ended up packing all of our belongings from the home we were renting in Minnesota and we loaded two movig trucks, one trailer and two vans with everything, all 8 of us, and my parents tagged along as our big supporters and helpers, and we moved back to our house that has been for sale in Michigan since last Thanksgiving. So basically it goes like this:

Last Thanksgiving Chip got a job offer at a course in Minnesota and we found a home to rent there, put our house up for sale, packed everything and moved a week or so before Christmas. Flash forward one year, and here we found ourselves packing everything back up- including box after box that had never been unpacked- and moving it all right back to where we started. It sounds daunting and ridiculous and mind-boggling, I am sure. The truth is that it is all those things to us too. And more.

I frankly still don't know what to make of it. As a person who has such a reliance on God and trusting in His ways to help guide and direct the paths we take in life, this whole scenario just seems unbelievable. Part of me is trying to wrap my head around it all. It was a whirlwind year- full of changes, good things, bad things, stressful things, fun things, new friendships, new adventures and then a screeching halt and we're back to where we started. A part of me wonders how that could happen. Did we miss something? Did God not want us to move to Minnesota and we did so out of selfish motives and in the meantime have to learn some hard lessons only to have us move back because He didn't really want us there in the first place? Or did God truly lead us there and plug us in to a great church body, give us real and lasting friendships as a gift, and now close that door there just when things were starting to settle down and feel 'right' for our family there? And if so, to either of these big questions, my next question is why? Why would we go through such major drama and stresses. Can't we learn life lessons a different way...an easier way? Or maybe all that happened in our lives for not just us- but maybe they happened for someone else? Could that be? I don't know. I really, truly don't know what it was all for. I cannot see a point or purpose to it all. And in the midst of going through it, the emotions, the stress of not knowing where we were going to move even just two days before we moved...it was all almost too much for me. Like I said, I am still trying to process and unwrap it all. My heart and mind and body were literally overwhelmed at times, and I don't know that there will ever be a point to it all or answers that seem to make sense of what we went through this past month. It was exhausting. And then some.

I cried more, yelled more, hurt more people with my actiosns and words then I care to ever admit to anyone. My heart was broken and I was angry and I was confused and yes, truly overwhelmed with everything. At one point I had logged a mere 10 hours of sleep in four days. And the days we were living were long and all-consuming. Just trying to keep 6 kids fed, diapered and out of trouble in the midst of packing and not-knowing and then actually driving 14 hours and doing what had to be done was a nightmare that kept going from bad to worse. We emptied and cleaned {with the help of my amazing parents and some really down-to-earth friends!} the MN house- all 5000+ sq. feet of it, and then got in our caravan of moving trucks and drove 14 hours to our home back here in Michigan...with a flat tire along the way. We arrived with a trailer that wouldn't open, which held all our bedding and mattresses so we could just pull them out and crash at 2:15 in the morning- but that didn't even happen without much anxiety and effort. Then, a couple of hours later we learned that our hot water heater was broken and would need a part and not be fixed for at least 48 hours. Consider this. Ten people...having packed, cleaned, loaded, driven 14 hours, unpacked and now nobody can take a shower or feel refreshed. So we had to take turns showering at friends and neighbors homes. After all of that. But there's more. The refrigerator is broken too. So any of the food that we had managed to keep cold for the 14 hour trip now has nowhere to be kept cold. And the food that people so generously brought to us upon our arrival has no where to go. Except that the temperature outside has dropped and so we got to eat food out of coolers in our garage for 4+ days. In the middle of boxes and sleeplessness and so much stress and chaos that I cannot really put it into words, nor would you really want to grasp it that fully anyway.

That's how we began this "new chapter", which still feels like an old chapter to me, of our life here in Michigan. Chip ended up parting ways with his club in Minnesota, so we now are settling as best we can back into our home here, we're needing a job locally- if possible, and the kids are actually handling this whole situation quite well, because at least they are back with their friends, familiar teachers and neighbors as they adjust to this recent move. They seem to be happy even. So that is a silver-lining to this whole circumstance. We are happy that they are happy.

But to be honest, I am still hurting and feeling disillusioned about what we are doing here again. As we wait on a job to open up for Chip and sit here trusting God to provide for our needs, I honestly feel so worn out and convinced that I "did something wrong" or that my prayers about being said with the right motives or pure heart, so I am not sure what to think or expect next. I do know that even if we messed up, or we chose the wrong path in life, or simply found ourselves in the wrong place at the right time that God can honor where we are now. I am not trusting in me and my lack of understanding or my prayers that seem to fall on deaf ears- but instead I am finding myself more broken, humbled, surrendered and open to what God wants to do in and through us next. I know that even when I can't make sense out of life, that God is still 100% invested in us and He will see us through to whatever or wherever He has plans to use us. We can trust Him forever and always, simply because He is Lord of our lives.

And that thought is enough reminder to my heart to bring me peace- despite the things we have gone through and continue to go through.

Okay.

So back to those cupcakes!! I didn't forget about the cupakes!

I will blog more about them soon, but for now I will just say that we were blessed- even in the midst of all of our "drama" as I like to call it.

One of the big blessings is that for all the stress leading up to this whole move and re-settling, is that on this side of things life has gotten very 'mellow' for us the past two weeks. Moving back from where you just came from does have a few perks. The house itself was in more disrepair than we had expected in just a year's time. I never realized how run down an empty house can get that quickly! There was the broken water hearter and new fridge that we had to buy, showers and tubs and floors to scrub, and our yard will have to be re-seeded next spring. It is a disaster. But beyond the cosmetic stuff, it has been easy to transition the kids back to school; we know where to shop for groceries and how to get around locally. We basically know what to expect around here. With Chip home right now and not working, my life has been easier than it had been. We were so tired and worn out from our move, that we spent a few days settling in around here and Chip even painted our master bedroom and we cleaned and set up our spaces enough to be comfortable, but then we took a much-needed break. With almost all our family back in Minnesota we had a quiet, uneventful Thanksgiving here by ourselves. Chip took Brock, Bella and Crew out on a service project to deliver meals for several hours in the morning, and then the rest of the day it was just us and Chip making turkey and all the fixin's. We have slowly started to unpack our clothes into closets and I have gotten caught up on washing a lot of clothes, towels and bedding. We have a garage full of boxes to sort through, but we have had no urge to do that yet.

So I have been lucky to set up my cozy scrap space again and Chip has been great about letting me just sit in that space and make whatever I want to make. I have needed that time and space to just be. Those pictures of a scrap page and a mini book are peeks for the newest Cocoa Daisy kit being revealed later tonight. My scrap box from Cocoa Daisy was the first piece of mail we got at our house here in Michigan and I was so thrilled that I could settle in my scrap spot and create with it from the very start of being here. It was just what I had hoped for, and even more! The colors and the antler stamp just brought the happiness I was craving at that time. I feel lucky that in the midst of everything I was able to have time to play with paper and ink and have some fun- just for me. I feel very lucky to be on the Cocoa Daisy team and am looking forward to reconnecting with a bunch of my scrap friends here in Michigan again too. They are a fun bunch and maybe rekindling those friendships is one of the reasons God brought us back here. I'm not sure, but I am looking forward to finding out. =)

So that's the short version of the past month of our life. I know we have much more than we need or deserve and we are grateful for all that God has given to us. It has just been hard to say good-bye {even with tasty cupcakes!} to all we had come to love about the people and place God had given us in Minnesota. It's hard to know we will spend the holidays alone and so far from family and friends. We were so looking forward to being "home" this year! But God has His reasons, His timing and I know He has our best at heart. So the one thing I can do is keep trusting, being patient, and being totally open to what He is up to. I am sure that however this new chapter of our life plays itself out, it will be another interesting twist to the life path He continues to guide us on. I love that the path is beautiful enough to keep pointing us forward...and that it graced with cupcakes and pretty paper and stamps and happiness for our kids along the way too. In spite of it all, we are still living a lucky charmed life. I just have to look at it from the right point-of-view!

"i like us together"

I am sure some of you probably heard the arguing that Chip and I did as our moving date got closer this past week and yet our plans didn't get anymore clear or set in stone. We find ourselves at just a week and a half from needing to be out of this rental home we're in and still we don't have a sure thing for where we're going to live next. I likely don't even need to explain to you that I am more than stressed out over this whole situation. Goodness! If we were going to Disneyland I would be more prepared and planned for our family of 8 to make that trip. And so imagine how I feel having no control over the dates to be out of this house, nor the reality that we still don't have something lined up and trying to pack for that and on top of all the normal daily tasks that still have to get done. Like grocery shopping and cooking and diaper changes and baths and band concerts and just all of it. It's been one of the most overwhelming months of our lives.
The added stressful part of this situation is knowing that we still have the actual moving and resettling in to do. And no matter where we go we are going to have less space than we have in the past two homes we've lived in and we have no end in sight to when we will own a house and have a place to call "home" again. It's more than upsetting to me. My faith tells me to simply trust that God will make a way and He has a plan. And not only a plan, but a plan to prosper us and give us hope too! But in this world, time after time, our hopes have been dashed and our future has taken dramatic turns. As much as we know and fully trust that God is in control of all that happens, it's still a tough act to have to follow and not have any answers or clear direction as to where to go and why. So we walk by faith. And I ashamedly have not had a whole lot of it- and thus have yelled and been more angry and anxious over this whole circumstance.
In the middle of all of the questions and stress, a big part of my peace and happiness came in the form of scrapping. Like I talked about in the last post. I am sure it is no accident or coincidence that God opened the door for me to be a part of the Cocoa Daisy design team at this time in my life. He must surely have known that our life road was about to get rocky again and He knew I would need an outlet for my stress as well as a wonderful group of women to share my heart with and to be encouraged by their friendship and support at this time too. It's a gift to have friends who understand you in life's crunch times. It is a gift when they not only want to be your friend when life is rosy, but that they step it up even moreso when life gets messy too.
So all this to say, I am still in the throws of life's mess right now, but I am loved and supported and I know that this will all be behind us at some point. It's not fun to trudge through it. It's hard to trust God with all of it knowing any little detail could be different and ease any number of our burdens in life right now. But I know He has reasons for things that make no sense from our limited human view of life. He has this whole world in His hands and even though I wish He would just say a word or swing open wide a door to make it clear where we are going, I know it's best to hold on tight to Him for the duration of the ride. So until my last breath I will proclaim that God is worth trusting in with my whole heart and I will even praise Him now- in advance and in reflection- for the things He has done, is doing and will do in my life.
I will keep scrapping for the fun of it and for the wonderful friendships and fulfillment that comes from making something {and for me, having control of something!} =) too. The pages that I scrapped and showed you here are from the Navy Pier kit that Cocoa Daisy is featuring for Novemeber. It was based on the amusement park in Chicago and some of the sites around that fun city. I just loved the colors and patterns and playfulness in this kit. I know you will love it, if you're a scrapper or crafter of any kind! The kit goes on sale Nov. 1st and there are lots of other wonderful things in the Cocoa Daisy Boutique this time of year too. Think Christmas! I love crafting at Christmas and I am really hoping that wherever we move next that I might be able to find a corner in the house {or condo as we ware looking at that as an option right now} to set up my supplies and create more happiness and joy. I just keep thinking this will make quite the chapter in the book I could write about our life. I just want to make sure it has a happy ending before I pen it. =)

The Midway is going to be hoppin'!!

So in the midst of boxes and packing and not fully knowing how the next few weeks in my life are going to play out there is a bit of fun and excitement going on behind the scenes too. At Cocoa Daisy! Each year there is a weekend online crop and this year it is happeing Friday- Sunday, Oct. 26th-28th. It's based on the Novemeber kit called, "Navy Pier" which as many of you might know, is the huge attraction in Chicago where lots of fun takes place. So the crop is called, "The Midway" and believe me, if you are a scrapper (or even if you're not and you are wondering what all the fun looks like) you will want to stop by as much as you can during this event. As part of the design team I have been lucky to get in on some of the brainstorming, sneak peeks, inspiration and I can tell you there is going to be so much happening and lots of chances to win prizes too! How could you not want to be a part of something like that?!

You don't need to be a monthly kit subscriber to get in on the action. But you certainly can join in that way and have yet another chance to win something! You simply need to be registered on the Cocoa Daisy site and you can post on the message board and upload to the gallery and just be part of all the fun and games. There are going to be some wonderful classes and techniques and loads of inspiration and of course, the November full kit reveal will happen too! 

See that funky octopus stamp and all the other cool stamps and paper goodies in the photos here? You will be able to order them (as a subscriber you can order on Oct. 28th...as a non-subscriber you can order starting Nov. 1st) and create your own fun too! I am in the middle of packing, but still getting to scrap a bit on the side in preparation for The Midway. You are more than welcome to join the fun. I hope to see you around Cocoa Daisy...today if you want to jump in early. This weekend if you can handle all the excitement! =) 

All that glitters~

You can be sure that with more than a three week abscence in blogposts that much has happened in my heart and life. And yet nothing has happened. Which is proving to be the biggest challenge I have had to endure the past month. I am learning lots of lessons. I am seeing more clearly what kind of person I truly am. Honestly, it's been ugly to see the real me in many regards- deep down (or maybe not even all that deep down!) I am a control-freak with a few dashes of immaturity and a dose of doubt thrown in for not-so-good measure too. I don't really like the me that has surfaced while going through this process of having a house sold out from under us with virtually no options opening up for us as to where our family is supposed to go next.
I have had to flex the faith muscle that I have been growing and exercising since I was a very young girl. I have said it in posts here since my earliest online writings- I have a strong faith and believe fully in God who is more than able to provide for my deepest needs. It doesn't matter if those needs are physical, emotional, spiritual; I have put my trust in Him and have been blessed by His faithfulness to more than provide for me over and over and over again. To the point where it seems like there is no way I could begin to doubt who He is and how He is able to meet those needs.
But guess what?
My faith isn't nearly as big or as strong or as steadfast as I might have like to think it was. In the past few weeks as Chip and I have poured ourselves and every free minute {besides the ones where I have been scrapping for my stress relief!} into trying to find a place for our family of 8 to live, I have waivered, cried, wept, prayed, vowed never to pray again, cared so much, not cared at all, surrendered, taken it all back, reminded myself of all God has done, put Him to the test again, opened my heart, closed my eyes, yelled more than I would ever like to have to admit, whispered pleadings so strong that no Father, it seems, could sit back in silence. And yet that is where I find myself sitting today.
It has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.
I have thrown out questions and begged for wisdom and direction. I have asked for doors to swing open. And more recently, have been given some wisdom and now am at the point of asking for every single door to swing shut except for the one that God would want us to walk through.
What do you want from me, God?
How are we to know that we are making the right choice?
We only want to be where you want us to be and can use us the most?
Why does something as 'easy' as finding a house to live in have to be this hard??
When is it someone else's turn to have to live through a life challenge like this one- because we have already lived through and learned some of life's toughest lessons of all! Right?
Right, God?
Apparently not.
Because in the moments of my tears flowing and my anger rising and my heart breaking, I have been gifted a calm spirit and I have been reminded of verses and songs that clearly remind me that He is beyond understanding and yet He wants to be fully known. As I said, I have had to wonder and sit confused and turn open my Bible and my daily devotionals for words and truths that point right back to what I knew and yet have to "relearn" over and over again. And that is this:
God is always in control.
God wants to me look to Him for every provision in life.
He doesn't want me to have long stretches in life where I sit back and simply coast along, because I would become lazy or self-sufficient or even prideful of the ease I would have. Instead, being in a place where I can do absloutely nothing about what is happening around me except trust in Him for what is coming next- that is where God shows Himself to be powerful, faithful, kind and true.
Even in human terms, if a father were to give their kids everything they wanted whenever they wanted it, those kids would never learn to appreciate; they would come to expect and be demanding and self-serving, inconsiderate and without compassion for giving in return. To expect that our God wants to just give us whatever we want whenever we want it and never have to be patient or dependent upon Him would be for us to miss out on His amazing love. He loves so much He is even willing to let us hurt at times. He is willing to let us stew and be angry or confused or impatient and immature. His love for us is so deep that He is willing to make us walk step by excruciating step UP a rough mountainside and keep moving us in that direction without even hinting as to how far and tall or big the mountain really is. And once we have gotten part way and we are sure we have walked far enough and we are tired and weary and worn and want to be done climbing, His love is greater and far reaching than that.He nudges us on another step higher. And further up the mountainside. Until at times we can hardly gasp for air and we think our insides will break because we simply cannot go on- and truth be told, we have walked to long and far and high we have frankly forgotten why we are even on this mountainside at all.
It cannot be for the fun of it. There is no thrill in climbing when you cannot see beyond the next step in front of you, nor can you find any rest of comfort or ease along the way. It becomes such a burden and the idea of going higher only makes you want to turn back around and start using the tiny bit of energy that you have left in you for the journey back down instead. You cannot muster the strength to move forward, so you pause and think about turning back. And about that time, your feet begin to slip. Your pack of supplies is heavy and weighing you down and your body is spent so you stumble a step or two. As you begin to question how you even got "talked into" starting this climb at all, you turn back to peer up the mountain to see if you can catch any glimpse of the mountaintop and in so doing possibly find a tiny bit of renewed strength or hope to continue the climb.
You can't. So you cling to the rock on which you stand for another moment or two. In that space of not knowing how or why or where, you take a deep breath and find rather than pain, you feel a peace. You sense that there is no way you would have ever, EVER gotten this far if you have not believed there was something glorious and worthwhile at the top. You close your eyes and say, God, I do not know how I am going to make it. I have no clue how far I have yet to climb. But I vow once again to simply do my best and trust you to give me the strength and energy and will to get there.
Because of His great love for us, God not only doesn't leave us sitting alone, weary and worn, on the side of the mountain. He comes alongside us {through words to songs or in the form of a warm, fresh-baked apple pie and visit from friends, or through a well-timed scripture verse that affirms who He is and always has been to this point}; He sometimes even picks us up and carries us. His love for us is so high, so deep, so wide and so strong, that He allows us to ache step-by-step along the path to which He has called and guided our steps because He knows that when we come to the place- the mountaintop place to which He promises to bring us, the view will be so magnificent and overwhelming and stunning that it will stop us in our tracks at the very instant all our pain that has consumed us in our journey washes away. He created the mountain. He created the view from the top. He knows just how rugged and tiresome and tasking it is to get there.
But He has promised to be our Guide, our comfort, our Strength and our Supply. His love for us is so deep that He must know that to give us a glimpse of the view along the way would threaten to take away from the mountaintop experience. Much like kids who discover what their gifts are through shaking their Christmas presents under the tree before it is actually time to open and receive them. It's not half as fun to open that present when you know what's in it compared to the total joy and delight and ripping that gift open and being completely and utterly surprised.
All this to say, I know that my God is so big, so strong, so mighty, so loving, so good, so enduring, so utterly faithful that I do not have to even have a glimpse of His plan to keep trusting in it. I trust Him fully. Even though I have had to get to that place by walking some very rough terrain.
Yesterday I sat at our back entry space and looked at some piled up boxes that have been lining the room just inside the garage door for 10 months now. There were a couple of boxes that I had never even looked at because I knew when we moved into this house it was just a temporary rental place until our house sold and we found some place new. We never moved in here and made it our home. We never dreamed it would be almost a year that we would be here and so that also played into my wanting to just keep things boxed up and ready to go for the next move. So the piles have been piled and taking up space all this time. I opened up and started reorganzing a couple of them. Then I came to a box marked, "Garage sale items- girls clothes". I knew I hadn't boxed it up when we moved here so I realized it must be from our last move. That was many years ago. I opened it up thinking I would find clothes I could give to my friends who have little girls of their own right now and I wanted to check the sizes and see who I might be able to pass these items to. When I opened it I recognized the clothes immediately. Most of the things in that box were clothes that Teagan had worn and I know I hadn't seen them for a very long time. My sisters boxed up a lot of her clothing soon after she died and while I was still at Hurley Hospital waiting for Chip and Wyndham to get well enough to come back home. So it is likely I hadn't seen these things since before Teagan died. I know I get chided for talking and writing about Teagan's death and how I am still so often reminded of her life even in my day-to-day activities more than a decade later. I know there are some who will never understand why I write as much as I do about my grief journey and how my little girl's death still impacts my life. I know there are people who believe that "life moves on and you must get over it for your own health". But here's the thing.
I don't go looking for ways to be reminded of Teagan- except for on the days I choose to do so. Like on her birthday. And when we celebrate Coke Float Day. Or when the leaves change color because she loved the new shades of red and yellow and orange of the leaves so much. I don't sit by a CD and play her favorite tunes or stare at pictures wishing her back. That is all a part of the process of letting go. But there are moments or events or reminders of my Teagan that sometimes present themselves in ways I cannot create on my own. And I have learned that those moments must be lived and processed just the same. So I lifted a few of the items out of that box yesterday. And my throat got tight and my eyes started to burn and the tears bulged over my lower lids and started to flow down. I reached into the box and pulled out a pair of Teagan's pink glitter shoes. She had worn them as part of a Halloween costume...but worn them as often as she could. To places like Glen's Market while we grocery shopped. To church. To Daddy's golf club. To 7-11 with Lizzy as she and Brock rode in the double stroller to go get slurpees.
Suddenly this box and all its contents overwhelmed me and I wondered how it had gotten lost or mixed in with other storage items all this time and I had never even missed it. I wondered how it was that even after not seeing these items for more than 10 years the memories came flooding back as though I had watched Teagan dance and jump in her shoes just yesterday. I wept. I ached. I got angry for a moment all over again. I missed her so much. I recalled her joy and smiles and sheer happiness that filled her up when she put these little pink glitter shoes on. I ached that my other girls are now too big to fit in these shoes and have their chance to dance in them too.
I realized that all of life is a part of who we are and that our stories take such twists and turns and go from lows to highs to more highs and lows that surely there must be One who loves us and can make the 'storyline' an incredible read when it's all said and done.
I sit in a place where I feel I have done more than my share of climbing this rough mountainside. I have seen some amazing views along the way. But honestly I am tired and don't even know why I keep climbing at times. This is that time. It seems like there is no ryhme or reason as to why the journey has brought us here. The timing couldn't be worse. We are ready for a view "from the top". But even as I sit here and wonder, I am reminded that being still is never a crime. Looking back to see how far we've come doesn't make us weak- but instead can give us renewed strength and new resolve to move forward and get one step closer to the top. Knowing that God is with us each step of the way whether we like this part of the climb or not is an act of mercy He pours out on us. I know He loves us and won't let us fall. Even though the journey is steep at this point. In the next couple of weeks something has to happen. One of the options at this point is for me to go back to our home in Michigan with the kids while Chip stays here in MN to work and hopefully our home will sell. It seems like a wild, ridiculous option. But I am putting all my trust and gratitude in the One who knows and even created the view from which I will see this story played out. It might not be rosy and fun or even reasonable for us to have to take this next step. But I know that He keeps us close and can be trusted every single step of the way.

40 days.

Crew had a happy birthday two days ago and is thrilled to be 4 now! His birthday started out right when we awoke- which happened to be 'late start' day at our house. Late start days are my favorite midweek mornings because our schools start an hour later on Wednesdays. I was happy that Crew got an extra hour with Brock and Bella and Ava to open presents and just be more relaxed as we kicked off his fun day. I wish we had late starts everyday! But I don't want to get greedy, so we are thankful for one day a week to not rush around as much as the others.
Crew asked for a simple cake with "blue frosting" and he loved that he got extra candles to blow out too. One can never have too many candles. Until about age 20, I believe. =) Happiness is a pretty easy thing to buy a four year old. He has lots of growing up to do yet, but I am confident he is going to grow into just the man he was meant to be. It's kind of wild having a front row seat to the process, but one that will have lots of stories to share with him through the years too!
Our other big not-so-great-thing-to-celebrate is that the house that we are living in and renting as we wait for our home back in Michigan to sell has just sold. We have 40 days or less to be packed up and moved out. It seems like we just did that and as I recall, I wasn't all that thrilled about it either! So, this time around we will be moving somewhere local. We jus don't have a clue as to where yet. And it gets a bit more complicated as we would like to stay in the same part of town so the girls don't have to switch schools- or so that we don't have to drop them off and pick them up everyday. We would also like to find a house that meets some of our big needs- especially when it comes to Wyndham. That means ideally we would love a full bathroom and if we get really lucky, a bedroom for her on the main floor too. But so far a home to rent for our size family that meets those needs hasn't presented itself to us. Yet. So feel free to join us in praying for those things to end up on our next home's checklist. Feel free to pray that our house in Michigan would get a buyer too. It's been on the market for 10 months now and we have yet to get an offer that comes close to our asking price.
I am trying not to stress out and worry about it. I know that we are 40 days or less away from being in our next place. It would be a miracle if we could call that next place "home" for more than a 12-month lease agreement. I have my doubts. But at the same time I am trying to believe in a miracle too!
In the meantime, I am scrapping. In part for fun. In part to take my mind off of things out of my control. And in part because I just love when my kit arrives each month and I have fresh ideas ready to scrap with great products! The sneak peeks you see here are from Cocoa Daisy's upcoming October kit called "Aspen Grove." The kit and add-ons will be available soon...and they have been selling out more and more quicly each month. So get ready to grab one this time around!

One, two, three...here we go!

So here we are. On the last day of Crew being 3! It has gone way too quickly, as time just has a way of moving. Yet it has felt like Crew has been a part of my life forever too. I can't imagine life without him in it! I clicked back to September 2008 and voila! There he was in his debut post. He was a charmer from the very beginning and received 100 well-wishes from many of you too. I think that is one of my favorite ways to describe my little guy- he's a charmer. He has a way of lighting up a room. With just his eyes at times. Or his larger than life grin. And most often his favorite way to make an entrance is to be heard even before h has been seen! He's a loud one!
But we have grown to love every single aspect of him. Even the ones that push our buttons and make us have to literally hold him down for a few minutes to get his little mind and body to drift off to sleep. Even at almost age 4.
He came into this big world of ours in a rather mellow way. He was my easiest, fastest delivery and his birth was an even planned affair as I was induced just 3 hours before he made his appearance. We were so ready to welcome him into our lives and home and family. Even when skeptics criticized the way our family was contributing to the economic crisis in America, we knew without a doubt that he was going to be loved and cherished and make this world a better place by being in it. I still remember those first hours, days and weeks when he was placed in my arms and as we got to know him and feel the weight and warmth of him in our arms. We were all on cloud 9 for a long time. Well, for about 6 months, truthfully. And then he realized he wanted to go and do and get into everything else that he saw his siblings going and doing and getting into. =)
But he was a wonder and a true gift and here we are. One, two, three and on the eve of turning foure years old, I can tell you that he still is a wonder and a gift. He has filled our lives with love, joy, laughter, tears, pain, fun, and so many other things in between. I recall holding his tiny body and just staring at how perfect he was and wondering what I had ever done right in my life to deserve something- someONE- so wonderful as him. I still don't have an answer to that question of mine. But I am thankful an infinite number of times over that he was born into our family and we feel lucky over and over to have Crew Tillman in our hearts and lives as a result. Forever.
Happy birthday, my dear Crew. You are one loved, loud, lovable and lucky little guy. We can't wait to see you blow out 4 candles and eat cake and grow a little bit more into who you were made to be! xoxo

Sometimes I think my biggest issue in life...

We are living in a beautiful rental home right now, awaiting the sale of our home in Michigan. We've been in this house just a few days shy of nine months now. Most of the people in our small town have been very warm and welcoming. But we have a young couple living next door to us. Our front step is probably 10 yards from their driveway. We have them come and go a hundred times or more. We have large, full-sized windows that wrap arund the side of our home that faces theirs. We spend a lot of time in this living room. It's hard to not notice when they come and go.
And yet, not once, in 9 months, have they said hello. Only 3 times have they responded to our waves. And when I say "our waves", I am talking about when the kids or I are sitting on the front step blowing bubbles or eating string cheese or any other snack outside. They look over, but quickly turn away. We have never imposed on their property. We have never been obnoxious- at least from my perspective. =)
I have tried to teach my kids to treat others with kindness and respect. I know from experience that you also cannot possibly know what another person is feeling or thinking. But I still believe in a good old-fashioned neighborly hello and a response to a friendly wave.
I tried on another occasion to bring a loaf of banana bread to this young couple. I know a few things about them. He is an electrician; he drives the company van. They are very particular. They keep their {white} cars washed and spotless. They edge their lawn a few times in the summer. The man rides an orange motorcycle most often on weekends. The woman rides a bicycle with a wicker basket in front. She often wears a colorful scarf. And/or sunglasses.
The thing is, they seem so 'normal' and so I just assume in our small community and in the family-type neighborhood in which we live that they would respond to friendly gestures. It feels "odd" to me that we have lived and seen them and know lots of little things about them- bu have never exchanged names or hellos. Or bread. =)
Yesterday I wrapped up a little loaf of pumpkin bread and attached a small tag to it and set it on my counter to bring to them when they got home. It just so happened that they didn't return until after dark. So my attempt at being a nice neighbor fell to the wayside.
Chip has told me to just "drop it". Get over the fact that they don't want any type of relationship with their neighbors and let them be. I feel bad that we live in a society where people no longer feel the need to be 'social'. Given the realm of "social media" and the way people connect all over the world, to me it is a sad testament that online relationships and virutal friendships can and have and are easily replacing "real life" relationships. I just think it's sort of a sad reality that people can be so aloof that they can't even wave.
I realize that maybe one of my big "issues" in life is that I sometimes 'care too much'. I get that I am a people person and I love that everyone has a story. I love that we can be "total opposites" and yet be best friends, or we can be so much alike that we laugh and point fingers at our own quirks. I have many. I am not always the best friend. Both online and in real life. But I do hope that I never become so shut out to people around me that I can't respond to their waves of hello. And in so doing, quite possibly miss out on a little home-baked goodness too.

More milestones.

Brock, Bella and Ava started school two days ago. We are in full swing of adjusting to a new fall schedule/routine and that is always a bit challenging when you have 8 people plugging along nicely with a laid-back summer schedule. But I know we will find our new groove. As we do each year at this time. My biggest challenge is to get some ready and out the door and keep the others from following that are supposed to stay home! =) Teague and Crew would gladly throw on flip flops and join the 'big kids' for a bus ride. They think it looks fun and we have had a couple of mornings of "meltdowns" over not being able to accomodate their young wishes.
Wyndham is getting ready to start a new schedule soon too. We just don't have all the details of what that entails for her quite yet. But the process is underway. I wrote an update on my FB status yesterday about how hard the first day of school is for me as I process grief in the mix of my kids growing up too. I have never been able to picture Teagan growing up- even as all her siblings do- and so to think of my little girl as a sophmore this year literally brought me to tears yesterday morning. Not a long, hard cry. But the kind of cry where I realize we have had to surrender so many dreams we had for her and we missed out on so much of the living that we imagined with her through the years. Knowing she would be so grown up and yet having only photos and mementos left of her as such a little girl just makes my heart wince with a pain I have felt over and over the past decade and more. I miss her especially so on days like this. Yet I know without a doubt that even a split second in Heaven will more than make up for whatever it is I have had to endure here on earth. So I hold tight to the hope of glory and the promises that God is making all things new. In His time.
When the kids came home from school yesterday I had baked a brownie pie and as we sat around the table eating the fresh-baked after school snack and discussing the exciting events of the first day, Bella looked across the table at Wyndham for a moment. She then turned to me and said, "I wonder if Wyndham is sad that she didn't get to go to school today?" I explained to Bella that Wyndham went to a meeting and she will likely be starting her own classes soon.
I thought that would be the end of that conversation.
Instead, my thoughtful, new fifth grader looked right into my eyes and her eyes started to well with tears. Without a bit of hesitation, Bella replied to me, "I wish I could trade my body with Wyndham for a week so that she would be able to know what it feels like to be a normal kid like the rest of the kids in my class". She was so serious and so tender and passionate and even hurt about not being able to actually act on something she wanted for her sister so badly. My own throat got that feeling in it that I feel every so often about wishing things so different. At that moment I wished that none of us was having this be a part of our "first day back at school" afternoon chat. It's heavy stuff over a piece of warm brownie pie!
I couldn't hold back my own emotions. Not after I had cried over my broken dreams with Teagan earlier in my day. So I let my tears fall and I gave Bella a hug as her own lip quivered and I told her that that was a remarkable thing to wish to do for Wyndham. She seemed sort of surprised that I would say it's amazing to want to do that for Wyndham. She said to me, "I would if I could, Mom! I would give anything to let Wyndham just be a regular kid for once!" Oh my...my Mommy heart felt like it could burst. I was moved at the sincerity and empathy from one daughter; I was wishing the world for another; and I wanted a do-over with Teagan all at the same instance.
I don't live in this kind of emotional and heartfelt world all the time. More often than not there are arguments between kids over silly things, there is 'drama' over remotes and Wii's and who gets to play the computer next. But in that instance I realized that aside from all that stuff we are learning and experiencing stuff firsthand that makes us more sensitive to others- more aware of struggles. Ours and others too. A "normal" afterschool snack felt like a divine experience- even though I'm not even fully certain of what occurred. All  I know is I could "feel" Bella's heart. I could see Wyndham's own face with a smile on it as she ate her chocolate brownie bites, and my own heart was feeling gratitude, longing, amazement and peace all at once. It was just abit later that Wyndham was playing with her iPad and she literally poked me and turned the screen my way as she pointed to it. She has an app with all sorts of word choices that she has been getting to learn a bit at therapy and by playing with it at home. This time she had formed a 3-word sentence which read, "I want carrots". I looked at her beaming face and said, "You want carrots?" and she got so excited that I had got the message. She was so proud of herself and I was proud and blown away too! I of course, got right up from my spot at the table and brought back a little dish of mini carrots for her to eat. She was so excited all over again. It was so cute I took the picture even though the lighting was terrible. I knew I wanted to remember such a major milestone moment with her. I don't know how far she will go with the challenges that lie ahead of her. I don't know what any of my ids will face in our futures to come. But I do know that the ride is amazing and full of emotions at times that make my head and heart spin. I am so glad that 3 of my kids are off to a good start this school year. I am thankful that we have so many reasons to be thankful- no matter what we will face. I am thankful that my kids are learning to care about other people who are less fortunate than themselves and they have a front seat to how extra-special needs people can be the ones to enrich our lives- as Wyndham does in ours every single day.
The milestones may "look different" than I imagine them at times. But they are treasures and gifts that make the journey so great. Even at the twists and turns that I wish we didn't have to take at times. I am thankful that God is leading the way.