A life interrupted.

All of a sudden six months have passed and really, if anyone is still stopping by at all that is a small miracle in and of itself for this blog. First of all, my apologies for NOT posting and sharing or at least putting up a graphic that says, "Nitty.Gritty.Out.To.Lunch." or something to indicate that I was still here. Just not "here".
I can tell you in the past several months there has been a lot of living going on in our life and family. So much so that I don't find or make time to blog like I want to or should. There has been a couple of birthdays. And preschool graduation. There was a new puppy...and a lot of fun and cute pictures with our sweet goldendoodle, Hazel. And then there was the tough decision to find her a new home after a week of Wyndham having such high anxiety over a puppy that she literally wouldn't eat. So Hazel got a new home. There were tears and life lessons and I could practically write a whole book on just that week in our life alone! Maybe one day I'll write that story.
In addition to puppy days there were days at the beach. And riding the one cent pony at the grocery store. There was a week of camp. And grandparents here from Michigan. There was Coke Float Day and maybe you got in on that with is- even if it was a virtual celebration. I could probably write a book about how Coke Float Day has evolved and become almost a summer holiday all its own. There have been parades and pool days and more days spent by the pool. There have been a couple of day trips to Chicago and days recovering from those days- which means catching up on laundry and sleeping in as late as we can.
Our summer has been full in so many ways. From fresh local produce- our favorites are the jumbo blueberries, cherries and peaches to gourmet cupcakes and walks to the park. There have been lots of days that felt like fall and only a handful that we needed to turn the A/C on- which is rare for where we live. There have been new friendships formed and new experiences- including Brock finishing driving school and getting his permit. There has been so much and yet really we have just so enjoyed "doing nothing" for nearly three full months. It has been a wonderful summer and we have one week left to enjoy it to the fullest.
So with all of that going on behind the scenes of Nitty.Gritty. it's no wonder there has been a quiet lull on this blog. But something else has happened. Something that stirred in me and brings me back to my laptop to click away and put my thoughts down in this place.
It's a book called, "Interrupted" by Jen Hatmaker. Maybe you have heard of her and/or her book. It is in easy to spot places like Barnes & Noble and you can pick up a copy right here online at Amazon too. I don't know Jen. I have heard her speak briefly at a weekend conference via satellite. But after reading this book I feel like I know a big part of her heart. She writes this book so authentically and candidly. I actually laughed outloud at times and that's not normally how I read books. I cruised through this book in a matter of two days- which also speaks to the readability of it. The way and they why she wrote this book so resonated with me and that is what made me want to dust off this blog and write again.
If you have followed Nitty.Gritty. for any length of time then you know full well that Chip and I have lived a life that was interrupted one Sunday during brunch. We recently marked thirteen years since that day happened and we are still learning lessons and living in light of so much of the events of that tragedy. I can't help but shake the feeling all these years later that there must be a big purpose or point to the pain and hurt behind our interruption. Knowing just how much God loves and cares and acts out of goodness and justice simply doesn't add up to the amount of pain and hurt we have endured. But we KNOW He is in it and over it all. So we have hung on and clung to His promise of faithfulness to us- even when we can't see or understand His ways in all the twists and turns at times.
Some of what Jen writes in this book touched on the parts of me where I still sense such a deep longing or where I just want to see the senseless parts of life make sense. She reminded me in sharing her own life journey that God CAN be trusted in all of it- to the point where we can literally pick up and start new again if we are putting all our trust in Him for what comes next.
We have been in places like that- even with our last two moves when we didn't know where we were going or what we were doing next. But God knew. And sometimes I think He leaves us hanging without a clue as to the next step to test us and see if we are willing to get out of the boat and follow Him. Not just with our words and rhetoric. But with our whole hearts and selves. It's easy to give money, or to raise a hand or nod approvingly to the sermon being preached in church. It's a whole other thing to get up and actually respond and do something. Especially something radical.
I have wrestled and prayed a lot since reading "Interrupted". It's one thing to read the book, but another thing to be moved. It's one thing to read the Bible, to know it, to study it, to love it, to lean on it, to believe in it, to turn to it, to memorize it and study it and share it. It's another thing to let it so penetrate your heart and mind that you are different each and every day because of the truth in its pages.
I have wondered and questioned why things have happened in our lives the way that they have- especially in regards to the move to Minnesota and back. It hasn't made sense in my practical and structure-loving mind. I have asked God to show me how or why or what to do as a result of this. I have opened my heart and soul for Him to use me- use our whole family here in any way that He feels led to do so. Sometimes I have felt like I missed the calling when I was single and more able to pack up and serve Him in Africa. Being a SAHM {stuck-at-home-mom as I refer to myself many times =) }in a mostly middle-class white America feels like a box- a very blessed and wonderful box, but a box just the same. I have wondered how God could use me or why He would need me here. This part of Jen's book made sense to me and makes me realize that no matter where we live or who we are or what we have to offer, God can use it all and He wants too. As long as we are willing to say 'yes' when our life gets interrupted.
"We have the privilege of serving Jesus Himself every time we feed a hungry belly, each moment we give dignity to someone who has none left, when we acknowledge the value of a convict because he [or she] (I added that pronoun) is a human being, when we share our extreme excess with those who have nothing, when we love the forsaken and remember the forgotten. Jesus is there."
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I still can't say that I fully understand or ever will fully understand how God wills, moves or works. But I am willing to open my heart to His ways and be moved as a result in every little or big way that I sense His call in my life. I am willing to be interrupted, inconvenienced, embarrassed, put on the spot, broken, and uncomfortable for the sake of His glory and kingdom. Not because I am worthy or great. But because of what He did for me on the cross. It's the least I can offer back to Him.

This little light of mine.

{Photo by orange gearle via flickr.com}
Are you ever amazed when you come across a song or a quote or a photograph or a sunset or sunise that seems to just "speak to you" exactly in the way your heart, mind and/or spirit seem to be needing to "hear it"?! I love when that happens. Today, in one of my devotionals {Streams in the Desert devotionals compiled by Mrs. Chas E. Cowman, 1950} this spoke straight to my heart and I just feel like maybe by sharing it here it could speak to someone else too.
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Shining is always costly. Light comes only at the cost of that which produces it. An unlit candle does no shining. Burning must come before shining. We cannot be of great use to others without cost to ourselves. Burning suggests suffering. We shrink from pain.
We are apt to feel that we are doing the greatest good in the world when we are strong, and able for active duty, and when the heart and hands are full of kindly service.
When we are called aside and can only suffer; when we are sick; when we are consumed with pain; when all our activities have been dropped, we feel that we are no longer of use, that we are not doing anything.
But if we are patient and submissive, it is almost certain that we are a greater blessing to the world in our time of suffering and pain than we were in the days when we thought we were doing the most of our work. We are burning now, and shining because we are burning.

Beyond our imaginations.

Life was hectic at our house this week. With several of us having some sort of stomach-bug for the better part of the week it felt long and we're glad to all be on the upswing at this point. The worst of it was when both Chip and I overlapped in not feeling very well. The kids definitely outnumbered us in energy and their needs felt even more demanding. But somehow we managed survive and life is back to "normal" again.

As you can see, Crew creates his own "normal" and keeps us all very entertained around here. Somedays I wonder what I did in my free time before he came along. Other times I remember vividly what I did with my free time before he came along. I blogged more. =)

He's quite the handful, but we couldn't imagine life without him. He gets lots of attention when I take him out on errands to places like the grocery store and Target while he's wearing his winter trapper hat. He didn't like it at first, but now he likes he so he can pretend to "hide" under it and act shy when people talk to him in the aisles of the stores. He's definitely got his own personality and I think sometimes he's a little too smart for his age- but the part of him that's charming just makes him irresistible in the end. To think there was a time in our lives when we nevered dreamed he'd be in it seems crazy. And yet the reality of another little one joining our family is beginning to sink in and within months we'll be saying, "we never imagined life without you in it, Baby".

All that is sort of a prelude to some thoughts I've been mulling over since before Christmas. I learned of my pregnancy about a week or so before the holidays came and went and I found myself deep in thought about many things- including how life doesn't always "go the way we plan" it. I was especially moved as I thought about the journey of Mary and Joseph as they traveled many miles to the town of Bethlehem to register and then while there, found themselves without a place to stay just as the time came for the baby Mary was carrying to be born.

I was thinking about how Mary must have felt- knowing she was carrying the Christ-child and fully trusting (as an angel had told her she would bear God's Son) that God had His hand in every aspect of what was happening to her and Joseph at that time. Still, she must have wondered (out loud or in her heart) how there could be no place for them to stay once they arrived. Afterall, God had brought them there and certainly He had made arrangements in His plan for them to have a nice place to stay and bring His Son into this world. I wonder if she thought someone was just trying to "mess up God's plan", or was she totally surrendered to the idea that God had it all in His hands and it would come to be as He had ordained. I wonder if Joseph felt torn that maybe he had taken a wrong turn somewhere along the journey or felt that God should be leading them somewhere else. I think the two of them must have felt a bit overwhelmed when they "felt" they were in the "right" place and yet it appeared to be a "dead-end".

I have to admit that I might not have been so willing to settle down in a cold, dusty stable and accept that this was God's plan for the birth of Jesus. Yet I also have to admit that at times when life seems so bleak and mixed-up and confusing is most often when I have felt the peace and presence of God so strong that it is undeniable. Those are the times when trusting the unseen hand of God takes little effort. It's beyond my imagination how this happens, but it is a truth I have lived through more than once. It's amazing and true.

I have been feeling somewhat tired in this early stage of pregnancy and also pondered some tough questions as I stated that the reality of another baby is sinking in more and more. We are excited that God is sending another baby into our lives. Yet a big part of me also aches at the same time because I have so many friends and know that lots of people are on a journey of hoping to be where I'm at- expecting a baby- and yet it seems no matter what they try or do or how hard they pray, their journey ends at a "dead-end" time after time. I can't help but feel some of their pain and wonder how God's plan can be trusted when it seems so cold and bleak. Yet I know that God is the Creator of all- from everlasting to everlasting He is God. His timing is always right. His ways are higher. What we find confusing as we walk life's journey so many times turns into something that goes beyond our imaginations as we look back and we can "see" how He in fact did have it all mapped out. Perfectly dependable; totally reliable; Almighty God. I take great comfort in knowing that even when life's path gets bumpy or takes a turn I hadn't planned for, none of it takes God by surprise. He is with us through it all and has our best interest at heart. And He has a BIG heart too!

Maybe you find your own self struggling with something in life right now that seems overwhelming, dark, beyond what you can bear, or simply leaving you without any peace at all. I hope I can be an encouragement to you that God is near and He will see you through. Your journey might not look the way you had imagined it or wish it would look, but God is always in control and when we give our hearts and lives and futures to Him, He promises to make something beautiful out of our offering. That promise gives me peace, joy AND hope! I trust that it does the same for you too!

Hoax or not...

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and encouragement to me and my family this week. You are all very much appreciated. With that said though, I do have to share a few more thoughts on my heart as we mark another annivesary since Teagan's death. It's about faith.
I remarked in my previous post that if there were nothing more to this life beyond what we can see here, for people like our family and most everybody in this life who suffers pain and loss, life would be nothing but a cruel hoax. Without the hope of a 'hereafter', living would be moment to moment agony- yielding anger and bitterness and despair.
Believe me, I've been in the midst of some of that stuff and it's ugly and hurts to be there. But it does come to dare I say all of us at some point in time. It comes packaged differently, but still hits us regardless of who or where we are. Click on any of the sidebar links on this blog to see how it is hitting some others in life right now...from cancer to the edge of death. It comes in all shapes and sizes!
I've had a lot of time to think about my faith, to question my faith, to wonder if it's "for real" or not. You may wonder the same thing. You may question if faith even matters. I have come to believe that it does matter and it is for real. There is more to this life than that which can see or touch.
But let's just say that there isn't anything beyond this realm in which we live. Would I still cling to this 'idea' of faith? I say with all my being, "yes". Do you want to know why? Thanks for asking! =) I think believing in something bigger than that which we can see allows us to live in spite of our circumstances. For Chip and me, having a faith that Teagan is in Heaven and believing in the hope of seeing her again someday was one of the biggest driving forces in allowing us to move beyond our grief. Our faith in God has given us a foundation on which to rebuild the brokeness of our hearts and lives. It not only offers us peace and hope in a time of overwhelming uncertainty and anxiety, but it gave us the ability to do even more than that and extend forgiveness against a horrific injustice. It has also given us the grace to want to live with joy and happiness again despite our pain and grief.
I truly believe in God and His promise and hope of eternity. Not just because it says so in the Bible, but because I have felt it in my own heart and been filled with a sense of peace at the most unpeaceful of times in life. I used to think that having a deep-rooted faith meant I would follow a list of do's and don'ts as spelled out in the Bible. I now believe that having a deep-rooted faith is so much more than that. It allows us to live above and beyond what life sends our way. It gives us peace in the storms, rest when we're weary, strength when we're weak, and Hope when all is desperate. It is amazing and real.
So even if it were a hoax and someone made up the idea of Heaven just to have something 'nice' to look forward to, well, I am happy to believe it that anyway. Because it has changed my life. I believe it's real with all my heart though. And, if you ask me, that makes all the difference in the world.
I wouldn't blog if it weren't for my faith. I wouldn't take pictures of my family smiling at the carnival as they're about to share an elephant ear. I wouldn't want the woman who killed Teagan and Peggy to get out of jail in two years and have the chance to rebuild and live a beautiful life. I truly can't imagine where I would be if I didn't have faith.
The fact of the matter is, I don't really like to even think about that. It's not a pretty picture to imagine life without hope and mercy and grace. Thankfully, because of who God is and his redemption I never have to think about it and I never will. As much as I love a good joke, I'm so glad He is a God of love rather than a God of hoaxes. I'm so glad I have real reason to smile, seek Joy and have Hope. No matter what comes my way!
Edited to include:
Okay. I was just thinking about some recent family activites and how my life truly is so full and blessed. It never ceases to amaze me how much God has healed us and continues to from day to day, year after year. I have so much to be grateful for. I have countless reasons to sing His praises.
Which is what we did for a few short moments in church this past Sunday. The worship leader invited anyone who felt led to finish this sentence: "God is great because ______________."
It was a really wonderful and powerful thing to listen to random reasons why God is great. And no one deserves our praise and thanks more than He! SO, my thoughts just now were to do that here on the blog. Why not?! God has been SO faithful and good to me, and I know He has done things in your lives and people around you too! I think it would be amazing and such a tribute to God if we were to list or share short stories in the comments here telling why God is so great. I'll even start. You don't even have to log in or leave your name. Feel free to come back as often as you like and share more reasons and brag on God! I can't wait to read through all the ways God is showing up and in turn give Him praise and honor for being good to us.
SO, tell me, how would you fill in the blank: "God is great because..."

Maybe you need to hear this too...

I turned on the radio for about 30 seconds today and this is, in part, what I heard in that short amount of time...
"There is a Power in this world that's bigger than the circumstances you walk in."
It really struck me and spoke to me in a way that I needed to hear. It's easy to get wrapped up in our problems, isn't it?! How great it is to know that God didn't just create this world and then leave us all to fend for ourselves. He cares intimately about every one of us and offers us strength and patience and grace and abilities and whatever we need to go through our days. He cares about our great days and our not-so-great days.
He gives us new mornings and fresh starts and offers unconditional love no matter how many times we fall down or doubt or fail. He is good and promises to meet our every need. He even knows our needs before we do. He is faithful to those whose trust is in Him.
I needed to hear that again today.
I hope to encourage anyone else that needs to hear it too.
Nothing we face is too big or beyond the realm of God. He can do it. Our task is to trust fully in Him.
I often wonder how people go through their days without having God to lean on and carry them through. I don't know what I would do without His care.
I need it- every hour of every day!
Maybe you do too!

I just have to say it.

Faith is hard!
I have people say to me from time to time, "I wish I had a faith like yours". I hesitate to tell them the truth, and that is that faith comes through trials and adversity, more often than not. My own faith has grown more in times when my world is falling apart than it ever has when things are going well and life is rosy. The times when I've had no strength to stand on my own, I've had to turn to someone. He has been there without fail, every single time. And my faith has increased.
When I've needed Him most; when there have been no answers; when tears and anger and sorrow consumed me, my faith has been enlarged and peace has flooded my soul.
Even though I have had to cling to my faith, it still is a hard thing for me to accept that sorrow and suffering are ways that God chooses to reveal Himself to us at times. I wish there were 'easier ways'. I wish that we could call on Him and He would snap His fingers or whisper a healing word and all would be right again.
But that's not the way God works. Although He can and He does sometimes. More often than not though, His ways are not the way we would choose or expect them to go. He has a plan and He has given us His Promise that He will make all things new. He is preparing a Heaven for us that will be a place without mourning, sorrow or pain. He holds us in His hands right now, and simply asks us to trust His ways.
I will be the first to admit that there's no better place to be than resting in His hands- trusting fully in His promises- but it's still hard. It's very, very hard.
My heart has been full this week for some friends who will be having a funeral for their baby tomorrow. My heart has been heavy as we pray for a relative and wait for the results of brain surgery- he's young, newly married and has a baby on the way. My heart aches at the losses of jobs and homes and families being pushed to the limits finacially and emotionally as the economy continues to struggle and affect so many lives. My heart is full of wishing and wanting things to be different so many times.
But I trust.
I rest in His promises.
I hold fast to the reality that there is more to this life than that which we can see.
There is Hope, and not just hope for tomorrow.
But Hope eternal.
And that, my friends, makes faith worth the pain and struggle and gives cause to endure.
He is Faithful.
He is Love.
He is Hope.
My heart is thankful that He is more than enough. He is all I need.

Celebrating Easter.

We colored our eggs yesterday, while Crew kept watch in his latest spot- the exersaucer. We were up, hunted eggs, ate chocolate, showered, dressed and arrived at church early enough to even have coffee and donuts. But, in all the excitement, I didn't manage to get a family picture. So, once home, I did snap one of me and Crew. And another of me and homemade Nutmeg Cheesecake whipped up by my hubby- who is doing really well on his fitness/nutritional plan. I'm proud of his will-power, even if mine fell prey to his dessert. It was worth every calorie.

Especially since it's the first food that has tasted good to me in over a week. I've still been fighting congestion/coughing, but I think as of today, I am much closer to feeling back to my normal self. Whatever that may be.

In celebrating Easter, I have to share a link to some thoughts on Christ and His resurrection. It is the very fact that He conquered death and gives each of us the eternal hope of Heaven that literally has seen our family through so much. Without the reality of His triumph over death, we would live with sorrow and pain. Instead, Christ assures us that death is only a temporary separation from God and one day those of us who trust in Him will live forever.

It is reason to celebrate, not just today, but each and everyday. He IS risen and lives! What a wonderful truth and Hope we have because of His great love and sacrifice! Amen!

Even the "unseen" matters.

I have written recently about the feeling I get- maybe even a touch of minor depression- from doing 'ordinary tasks' over and over again. I've shared how I love being SAHM (Stuck-at-home-Mom) =), but also admit that sometimes it just feels overwhelming, or feels unimportant in the scheme of things. I struggle with attaching meaning to the things I do. I admit, I fear "wasting" my life- especially after living with a brush with death and recognizing all the more how short and fleeting time truly is.
Insert my daily reading today titled "Faithfulness in Everything" from Our Daily Bread. The message is a good reminder, or an important thought to chew on as we go about our work- whatever that may be. It also hit close to home for me, as some of you may remember our family connection to the I-35 bridge collaspe in MN and also because we lived in Gaylord, MI for several years and traveled across the Mackinac Bridge many times- it was just an hour to the north of our home. I just was touched by the reading and scriptures tied in with the post today, so I wanted to share it with the rest of you. I'll be back soon to post a winner for a Starbuck's mini-book later this evening.
Here's the reading for today: Faithfulness in Everything
In August 2007, a major bridge in Minneapolis collapsed into the Mississippi River, killing 13 people. In the weeks that followed, it was difficult for me not to think about that tragedy whenever crossing a bridge over a body of water.
Some time later, I was watching an episode of Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. Host Mike Rowe was talking to an industrial painter whose work he was trying to duplicate. “There’s really no glory in what you do,” he said. “No,” the painter agreed, “but it’s a job that needs to be done.”
You see, that man paints the inside of the Mackinac Bridge towers in Northern Michigan. His unnoticed job is done to ensure that the steel of the magnificent suspended structure won’t rust from the inside out, compromising the integrity of the bridge. Most of the 12,000 people who cross the Straits of Mackinac each day aren’t even aware that they are depending on workers like this painter to faithfully do their jobs well.
God also sees our faithfulness in the things we do. Though we may think our deeds—big and small—sometimes go un-noticed, they are being observed by the One who matters most. Whatever our task today, let’s “do all in the name of the Lord Jesus” (Col. 3:17). — Cindy Hess Kasper.
Whatever task you find to do,
Regardless if it’s big or small,
Perform it well, with all your might,
Because there’s One who sees it all. —Sper
"Daily work takes on eternal value when it is done for God."

You take one Holy Baby....

My kids have been playing with the Little People Nativity set for a few days now. We had a special carved nativity that stayed under our tree when I was a child and it was one of my favorite decorations at Christmastime. The thing I love about nativity sets is how they allow you to 'enter in' to the story of Christmas even though it happened over 2000 years ago.
This commericial set doesn't quite do Bethlehem justice if you ask me, but my kids love to play with it so much. I wrote earlier about the tension I feel at this time of year- the struggle to strike balance between the real reason to celebrate Christmas versus the glitz of twinkling lights, cookies, candy and gifts wrapped in colorful papers.
The more I have thought about it and the more I have seen my kids playing with this set (and a couple of others we have too), I have felt more assured that they understand what Christmas is all about. I don't know that any of us will ever fully comprehend the depth and meaning of what God has done through this gift of His Son Jesus, but I think we are headed in the right direction and I feel like really, it's not up to me to make sure my kids "get Christmas"; instead I believe that God will work in each of their hearts in His way and His time. I feel so much more at ease- more calm and bright- knowing that God has their little hearts in His constant care.
What really struck me the past few days is some of the things that you hear and read from the Christian community this time of year.
Have any of you heard or seen the words, "Keep Christ in Christmas"? Or remember that "Jesus is the Reason for the Season"? Now I think that these are very valid and can be catchy phrases to help some people focus on what matters, but I truly believe that for some people it becomes the only time they think and focus on Christ. I think that while catchy phrases may have meaning, somtimes they miss the real point.
I thought of this as Ava went downstairs to the rest of her Little People playsets and chose a few happy children and Santa and a couple of Care Bears and Hello Kitty to come up and join the wise men and angle in the nativity to welcome baby Jesus as she played. I couldn't help but think again how Jesus came for ALL people and he didn't just give his love to us at Christmastime, but every single day- forevermore. He loved us so much that he made a way for all to know Him intimately- His gift of salvation is free to any sinner who simply asks for His forgiveness and repents. Jesus became a baby- a man- and lived a perfect, holy life and then shed His blood on a cross. He died, was buried and then rose again- to take away our sins and restore a right relationship with God through His death.
I think Christmas is a special time to reflect and to celebrate and recall this amazing story that is one part of God's plan for us- sinners. It is a wonderful time for us, who have accepted and believe that Jesus is the way, to share our faith and celebrate what and why we believe what we believe and to offer others this same free gift.
But to think that we have to do something to keep Christ in Christmas to me seems like we're missing the main point of what God intended to do through this baby. Yes, God sent His son to the earth and Jesus was born in a little stable, and his mother, Mary, wrapped him in cloths and lay him in a manger. That's a wonderful story, but I think God meant for it to be something bigger than just a nice little story. He sent His son to earth to change hearts and lives. God loved us so much that the birth of His Son paved the way for everyone to know real Love and real Peace and to have Hope in a dark and hopeless world.
I love that my kids can play with a little toyset and understand this nice story, yes. But my real hope is that they can grasp that Christ wants to live in our hearts and be a part of our lives each and everyday. I hope they grow up knowing that we need to keep Christ in our lives and depend on His strength and we need His forgiveness so many times in our life. Not just at Christmas- as special as this time can be. We need this story to affect the way we live always. Feel free to follow this link for more insights and meanigful ways to "live out Christmas" beyond this month. May the Spirit of this season touch your life in a meaningful way- today and all the year through!

One of those days.

Something happened the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure what, but Chip is telling me I need an attitude adjustment. The sad part is that I agree with him. He told me to never blog again. Or blog about the fact that I'm in this place- this strange and not-so-happy place.

I don't come here often, but when I do, I remember how much I dislike it here. The frustrating part for me is that I can't put my finger on the "why I'm here". I just am. Maybe it's the weather turning cold. The leaves changed color and fell to the ground- that changing seasons are always such a visual/obvious reminder to me that life goes on. This time of year reminds me that another year is coming to a close...another year of loving and living, yes. But also of missing Teagan and moving further from the fond memories I have of her.

Maybe it's the cold and snow flurries that are blowing around outside. I'm not a fan of cold weather and I dread the long winter months. One day Chip and I hope to live in a warmer state- at least for part of the year. The cold part.

Maybe it's the fact that no matter how many times I give my kids instruction on certain things, they still fail to follow through with my requests of them. Now, I understand that this is a part of parenting- you tell your kids the same things over and over sometimes, and they still don't get it. Like "eat your vegetables", or "flush when you're done", or "don't hit your sister/brother". It can get monotonous and the past week I feel like I'm a broken record and that I'm wasting my time instructing my kids. They seem to be getting the upper hand- for some reason.

Maybe it's because I'm hitting that wall of sleep deprivation with a newborn. Maybe it's the fact that Wyndham was sick for a couple of days, and even though she didn't need hospitalization this time, when she gets ill, I get stressed.

I guess I'm just putting this out there 1) because Chip told me to- he told me to blog about how I really feel right now, and 2) because it's true, I'm not always some bouncy, happy person. I get worn out and run-down and I question my faith and wonder what the point is to everything sometimes.

Like today.

Getting ready for church.

It wasn't fun at our house.

I yelled at Ava because she cried when I put her hair up in her ponytails...ans then she pulled them out. It made me mad...and we were already running late.

I didn't feel like going to church- I have to be honest, it seemed like a joke to go and sing praise to God and smile to other people when inside I was grumpy about hair and breakfast and thinking it was a waste of time because surely my kids won't take the lesson to heart and I will still have to break up arguments between them this week.

It all seemed to fake and pointless.

And I'm sharing this because it's exactly how things were and I have a feeling I'm not alone in this place.

In fact I know of at least one other person who questions why we try so hard to do good things and be good people and have values and morals, only to have life "dump on us" or let us down. It doesn't seem fair sometimes to try so hard when in fact, life will send things our way regardless of how neat we try to keep our homes or how often we get our kids to eat their vegetables.

Now, I don't want to worry anyone, I'm still looking for the simple joys in life and I'm still taking lots of photos and sharing them here. Today's photos are a short series of Ava putting a hat on Crew and they show the special relationship those two share. It's very cute and I'm blessed to be a part of it and I don't take it for granted. I'm very aware of how much I have in life to be grateful for.

The reality is that sometimes I still question and wonder and ask why. The reality is that I sometimes worry that I'm not cut out for the path I'm on in life. The reality is that sometimes we all have days where life gets the best of us. I had one of those today. And I promised to keep it real around here.

So that's it.

Now it's your turn to share if you want to...leave a comment telling me your favorite thing to do when you have "one of those days". I'm looking forward to a brighter tomorrow.

Beyond perfection

Someone has gotten much more demanding of my time and attention this week. Crew is 6 weeks old today (and weighs exactly 10 pounds) and for whatever reason, has decided to fuss almost on cue, from about 9 pm until 12 pm every night. Hence, the lack of blogposts around here.

This post is a bit of a recap then- a mix of photos, stories and thoughts.

I have been able to get better photos of Ava lately, and most recently it's been for a reward such as, "You can watch the Tinkerbell dvd as soon as you smile for a picture." I am not above bribes for smiles. =) She also has fallen hard for Crew and continues to just love being my helper and smothering him with kisses and attention. I can't forget to document her saying to me yesterday in the van as we drove home from dropping Wyndham off at therapy, she said, "Mommy...I love you with my whole being". Talk about melting me! I'm not sure where that came from, but it did make me think of how many times I love "just enough". It made me want to love more- even when I'm tired- even when I'm at my wit's end- even when someone doesn't 'deserve' all my love.

I have been thinking over and over about God and His love for me- for us. It doesn't make sense to me at how He could love us- even when we don't love Him back. God sits and waits patiently for us as we mess us, make mistakes, turn our backs on Him, follow our selfish plans and dreams in life, and yet He is always there. He loves us with His "whole self" and I can't even begin to comprehend what that really means. Anyway, awhile back one of our guest speakers at church made this statement and it has stuck with me and for some reason it keeps coming to mind this week and that is this:

"He suffered much too much for our hearts to only be stirred from time to time."

Think about that. Read it again. Do you believe it?

If so, what does that mean?

I have been humbled at how my actions in life should look...what kind of response should I have to God, who sent His Son, Jesus, to suffer and pay the penalty for my sin. Jesus died for me- for you- for everyone- in order that He might make a way for us to be reconciled to God forever.

I'm sorry to say that most of the time in my life I don't act like someone who is eternally grateful for His saving grace and salvation. I mess up. I make mistakes. I don't love others with my "whole self". I know I'm not perfect and I yet I want to live my life with purpose and in response to His great love. I love that God forgives and loves beyond perfection. He only asks that we give Him our hearts and thankfully He fills in the gap and provides the way of righteousness.

I just wanted to pass that on to anyone who feels inadequate or overwhelmed or fearful that you've let God down in your life. He is always there. He is a God of compassion and mercy and I just want to thank Him for that again today. I want my heart to be more than stirred...I want to worship and praise Him and love more. Each and everyday.

Okay.

I wasn't planning to write all that, but my heart just felt led to do so.

I intended to just share the following bits from my everyday life this week, which included Bella being so excited about a little book she made and brought to school for show & tell. She was so happy to show her daddy her little book and I captured a photo of her as Chip flipped through her book and listened as she described the pictures and notes written inside. Chip smiled and laughed as he turned the pages and Bella couldn't have been happier. In fact she is a little blurry in the photo because of her delight- she couldn't stand still for her joy.

Brock also came home and literally ran to the front door this week waving a piece of paper as I opened the door to greet him after school. "Mom, mom!", he yelled, "wait til you see my spelling test!" I figured he had gotten 100%, but as he held it up, I could see a couple of checkmarks on his page.

"You got a hundred?" I asked.

"No", he replied, "I got two wrong, but I used my own handwriting and look how great I did!".

Now, this has been a big challenge and area of frustration for him and for Chip and me. We have watched him struggle with neatness and have been very hard on him about trying harder and working on his handwriting. He normally types his spelling words for his tests.

This time, he had written slowly and methodically and his teacher noted his beautiful writing- even though he spelled two words wrong.

Chip was there and we both lavished Brock with praise.

(I tried to take a 'nice picture' of Brock and Chip, but as you can see, they only posed 'good' for a silly photo...the 'nice photo' came out all blurry. Still, I think I love the not-so-nice photo and blurry "good" photo equally...they both tell a story I don't want to forget!)

I love moments such as these in life- when we celebrate effort and hard work and personal accomplishment, even when the results are less than perfect.

I know that time and attention and celebrating little stuff is the kind things my kids will remember lfor a long time. They are the kind of things that shape them more than my being a 'perfect mom'. Sure I yell at times and even threatened "no Christmas presents" because of the chaos and clutter the kids had all over their rooms and playroom. Sure I miss opportunities to tell them how much I love and care for them and sometimes I don't make the best meals or I snap at Chip for some little thing in front of them.

I admit it.

I'm not perfect.

But I hope that they will see beyond perfection and appreciate the things that Chip and I do do right, and I hope they will grow up knowing that we demand much- not perfection- but we just want to push them to their full potential.

I think that is how God sees and loves us. He knows we're not perfect, but He will do everything He can to show us He loves us. He will demand much of us, but it's only because He knows we can do it. He will push us to extremes at times, but in the end, He is there waiting to reward us with blessings.

I love that everyday is another day to strive to be better than the day before. I'm humbled that I don't need to 'measure up' or try to earn God's love and devotion. Just as I love my kids with my "whole self" no matter how good they do on their schoolwork or how well they settle down at bedtime, God's love for us is bigger and better than that toward each of us. He is totally perfect and loves us just the way we are. All the while He works to make us more like Him.

Yes, it's so true...

He suffered much too much for our hearts to only be stirred from time to time. He desires us to be more like Him in all we say and do. Even if we're not perfect.

Investments and securities-

These pictures of Ava and Crew were taken by me as I sat in the big chair in my living room two afternoons ago. I have a great view from my lap, don't I?!

What I can't help but love about these photos, also makes me stop and pause and think, and that is about the contentment, peace and happiness that I see in these images. Crew couldn't be any more peaceful when he sleeps in my lap or when he's all wrapped up like a little burrito in his blankets. Ava couldn't be more happy and silly and she not only knows how much she's loved, but she also knows that she can be herself and she certainly was pulling that off in her butterfly tee and pink glasses here. It made me feel good and I think it's one of the things I feel very strongly about as a mom of young children, and that is that they are comfortable and secure. Nothing makes me ache more than when my kids are hurt- physically or emotionally- or when they are fearful of something- real or imagined. As a mom, I feel so responsible for how they are feeling and even though I know life isn't all just a bed of roses, I do my best to make everyone around me feel loved and secure.

I then turned my thoughts toward some of the big issues and events going on in my life around me and in the world too and thought of how little security there is at this point in time. I'm not talking about airport check stations, but the reality of a scary economic crisis that continues to swirl, the ongoing war and terrorism threats that our nation faces and all the stuff we hear in the news media that makes some of us want to turn off the tv forever and just tune it all out. There's a lot of pain and negativity and hopelessness 'out there'.

Closer to home, I have a neighbor who is left with a little girl after her husband killed himself last week. She is young and I'm sure she is scared about her future. Our 3rd grade teacher at school had a bicycle accident last week...she fell off and hit her head and lies in a coma at this time. These sort of random incidents, added to the news we already hear and worry about, can make life feel a little overwhelming. Surely I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Thankfully, I do not live in fear of the future and the unknown. I do not worry about the value of a dollar or get upset that some of our savings have vanished, nor do I worry about our nation's political future- even as the election grows near.

I will vote and I care about issues...don't get me wrong. I like to be informed and pray about and make wish decisions, but I don't let my feelings get worked up even when I sense a growing concern about the way things are headed.

I like to thank God for the feeling of peace He gives me and many of you- time and time again- even when things seem to be spinning out of control. It's this solid foundation and promises from the Bible that I can turn to when things are going good or bad. I love that faith reminds me to believe in what I cannot see or feel. I know that God has all things in His control and that He can be trusted. My securities lie not in things of this world, but in the Hope of Heaven and the promises of God. Nothing gives me more assurance than reading Truth and resting in fact that there is more to this life than just what we see.

I just wanted to remind myself and maybe some of you today, that when you trust fully in the One who holds the future, there is no reason to be afraid. One of my favorite passages that speaks to this is found in the book of Psalms...I'm happy to share it and hope that it gives some of you reassurance and Hope today. We can laugh and live free and be ourselves- without worry- if we personally entrust our hearts to God. He is my only Hope and security.

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; He lifts his voice, the earth melts. The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; He breaks the bow and shatters the spear, He burns the shields with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Can I encourage one or more of you?

This is a picture of my kids at our church picnic/service two weeks ago. It was a beautiful, sunny day and a really wonderful time of getting to know others on a more casual basis- with games and food and a message outside and singing- a fun afternoon for all of us.
I have gone to church my whole life, and have to admit that I haven't always enjoyed being in church on Sunday mornings. Not all churches are "created equal" and there is certainly something to be said about that- which I could totally write in length here, but I won't. I'll just say that I believe "church" is about people, not about the building or the denomination, or even who is preaching/teaching from the front during the services. I believe that the word church is a place, but more importantly is what goes on in the lives and with the service and money and time of the people within those walls.
Why am I writing about church? Well, for the past several Sundays I have felt like I should come home and post about how I was moved by the message or the music or how I just sensed God in such a real way. But I haven't done that and so today, when I felt that same tug on my heart, I decided I had felt it enough times to actually follow through with posting. This is that post.
I mainly want to encourage someone out there who reads this who maybe hasn't gone to church for a long time, who maybe has been 'burned or hurt' by the church and feels totally turned off as a result, or for someone who just maybe thinks church doesn't really matter all that much.
I feel blessed to be able to attend a church where the people there really, truly want to be there on Sunday mornings, and many times those people are doing "church-related stuff" throughout the rest of the week too. It's not just about the sermon and singing on Sunday morning, but the people of this church really feel compelled to reach out to others in so many different ways. It's neat to be able to hear a lot of those stories and to be challenged to do more- which is what oftentimes happens in our service. We get opportunities presented to us to get more involved, to share 'life' with others, and there's never a Sunday when we aren't asked, "what's the take-away value [of what you just heard], or how can you apply this to your life?" I love the challenges.
But beyond that, I have to say that, while our church isn't the biggest church out there (most of the time there is about 175-200 people there), God just seems to move and stir my heart every week. I feel so grateful that I have a place where I can worship and 'give back to God' in such a small way, as a response to the way He has been so good to me, week to week. I just love that we can put money in the offering and know that it is going to help change lives. I love singing the songs and know that it doesn't matter if it's an old hymn or new worship song, that God is blessed by it. I love that I have a place to put the stress of my days out of sight and mind for even just an hour and my heart can focus on who God is and how He desires to know me more...and it in turn makes me want to know HIM more. I love that it doesn't matter what I wear or how I look or what my job is or what political party I belong to or where my kids go to school, or any other number of things at church.
It's simply about God and giving glory to Him, and praising Him- no matter if things are going well in life, or if things feel as though they are falling apart.
I write all this to encourage someone out there who has given up on church or who has never given church a chance. I would love for you to pray and ask God to lead you to a place where you can worship Him and 'feel Him' and fall in love with Him more. No matter what building you're in...no matter what name is on the sign out front.
I know God is everywhere, but there just seems to be something so special about sensing Him and His presence when you're in community with others. It helps me to feel affirmed in my faith and what I believe. It helps me feel challenged to do more, to want to be more. It helps me to drown out 'daily life' and trade it for an hour of time that is drenched in Truth and grace and song.
Going to church doesn't make me perfect. It doesn't make my life easier, as a result. In fact some Sunday's it's a major effort to get everyone fed, dressed and there on time! But it does fill my heart with blessing and I love the good things my kids are hearing and learning in their classes. I am humbled at the relationships and friendships that develop and grow each week, and I am especially moved that God makes Himself known in such a tangible way nearly every Sunday.
That's my sermon for whoever needs it today. I will pray for whoever needed to hear this and now feels challenged to find a church and start going there each week. I hope that God will direct you to a place where you can grow in your relationship with Him and fall in love with who He is.

Expect the Extraordinary.

My morning quiet time couldn't have been more timely and appropriate for me the past couple of days and I just wanted to share a little bit of what I read and soaked up with some of you here at my blog. I always figure that if something speaks loudly to me, maybe it will mean something to someone else too. So if you are out there and this speaks to you on whatever level, I am glad to be able to pass along a little 'food for thought'. Enjoy!
My Bible has devotionals throughout the pages mixed in with reflection questions and related readings. I always find them to be interesting or just good starting points to get my head spinning or thinking in the right direction. Here is what I soaked up from the reading titled, "Expect the Extraordinary" (based on Mark 1:14-20)... when Jesus called some fishermen to be his disciples-
"When the divine intersects with the ordinary, everything changes. An ordinary man who catches fish becomes a disciple who fishes for people. A mother whose daily life consists of changing diapers and folding laundry becomes a shepherdess of young lives. A smart businesswoman becomes a spiritual leader. A teacher becomes a mentor. A friend becomes an intercessor. A student becomes a missionary. A tongue-tied wallflower blossoms into a gifted speaker. When Jesus enters the scene, we can expect the extraordinary.
...
When Jesus calls us to follow him, he is looking for people who are willing to let go of the ordinary and look for the extraordinary. Sometimes that means we are called to leave everything- our 'nets' and our families- and go where he tells us. Other times following him means we keep doing what we've been doing, only with a shift in our perspective: we still change diapers, but we focus on raising godly children. We still do laundry, but as we do we remember that we serve a God of holiness. We still do business, but we remember that it's all kingdom business. We still go fishing, but now we fish for people as well as fish."
I can't help but think that too often, too many of us just don't expect that God can and wants to do amazing things in our lives. We tend to think that He would choose someone more capable, qualified, polished, or 'holy' than ourselves. I am finding that God just wants a willing, open heart and He is waiting and ready to do extraordinary things out of that. He doesn't demand perfection- for which I am eternally grateful to Him...but simply wants us to be able to be changed- to grow- to become who He can make us to be!

My "other" self-

First of all I think I should write another book titled, "It Takes a Village to Name a Baby". =) Thanks for so many kind, thoughtful opinions and even several emails that many of you have sent to Chip and me as we make the big name decision soon. I truly enjoy the process and want to assure you that we will choose the name we feel suits our family/baby best. Thanks for all the dialogue though, and for some creative options too. Who knows, by the time the baby gets here we may have Archibald or Percival at the top of our list! =)
I have had so much encouragement from some of my online friends and 'real life' friends the past couple of weeks as to how I look at this point into my pregnancy. I am 35 weeks today and feeling really good...probably the best I've felt out of all my pregnancies. I have to admit that even I am surprised at how much I actually have 'enjoyed' this journey- minus the stress and long wait when there was that risk of positive HIV infection. Beyond that though, I expected to be more moody, more overwhelmed and certainly more "round" than I am.
The photos in this post are of me when I was pregnant with Teagan {the first 2} and then when I was pregnant with Ava. I hardly recognize myself and hope that some of you have a hard time recognizing me too. =) I know that sometimes I put too much of myself and my thoughts and life out here online, and this is likely another one of those times. But I just want some of you to know that the happiness and Joy and really the changes you see in me and my family- physical, mental and spiritual- have been part of a long process. It's why I often talk of my life as a journey and I feel so grateful and humble when I do see so much goodness in our lives beyond our tragedy.
I truly believe that God has given Chip and me a second chance in life- He not only spared our lives at the time of our tragedy, but He has given us so many blessings besides. I never want to take them for granted and that is a big reason I share so openly- so publicly, the way I do.
I personally have had ongoing issues in my life with my weight/self-image from about the age of 10. I could dig out photos from my childhood through adulthood that captured this part of me as I grew up. It was probably my biggest challenge as a pre-teen, teen and college student. My grades came fairly easily. My sense of humor was something I relied heavily upon and it seemed to make up for the hurt/hate I felt for myself for a long time.
I guess I write all this because I know that there are people who struggle with personal issues- whether it is body image, self-love, eating disorders that stem from any number of things, or even just comparing themselves and feeling they never measure up. It makes me sad to think back to all the years I cried as I fell asleep and how much I really disliked me- for no real reason other than my weight/shape. I had parents and friends and family who never made me feel unloved because of my looks and yet it somehow was my deepest issue and really shaped a lot of the choices I made along the way.
I am no expert in diets and can't give anybody a magic formula as to what has worked for me to get to where I love and accept me the way I am... it's really a long list of things, and as I said, a process or journey that has evolved over a long time. I just want to give someone hope out there who might feel all hope is gone. If even to inspire one of you to find the Joy I have found and to be changed as I have been changed, well to me it is worth those years of struggle and I am more than happy to be able to say "You can do it". I want even that one person reading this to know that you are worth the pain and challenges and sacrifices you may have to make in your life to get to a place of contentment and acceptence. I'm no stranger to the battles that come at you- the ones that you hear in your mind telling you that you are worthless. Or those lies that you believe by watching 'perfect people' on tv and magazine covers and who start making you believe that you are less than who you are simply because of the way God designed your body.
So, as I've added on pounds with this pregnancy for the past 35 weeks, I knew I was in for some 'mental struggles', besides the obvious looking in the mirror and seeing my body grow and change. I knew it was going to be difficult and so I did a few things that I think have made all the difference this time around. One of the first things I did was thank God for the gift of life that He sent to me by way of a baby. I wanted to be grateful for something so amazing, so undeserved- something that others cry out for and long to have happen in their life. I wanted to look at this pregnancy not as something to dread...but truly as a gift...an unexpected blessing. I also have prayed many times that I would love and accept ALL the changes this has brought and will continue to bring into my life- weight gain, concerns, and even the sleepless nights. I have been so surprised, although I shouldn't be, that God has heard and answered those prayers. I have said it before, but sometimes find that we don't really ask God for the things we need- the really simple things, because maybe we think He is 'too big or too busy' to care. Instead, we move along in life carrying worries or burdens that He would love to lift off of us, but we are not willing to turn them over to Him. I think that is one of the biggest lessons I have learned in my life the past several years...God WANTS us to know love and Joy and contentment, but we have to be willing to give Him all our concerns- no matter how big or small they may be.
When I think of all the hurt I carried because I let myself believe I wasn't 'good enough or thin enough' for so long, I still ache inside because I now know that God loves me with an everlasting love and when I couldn't love myself, I was in effect saying, "God I don't like the way you made me- I don't love what You created me to be". I realized at one point that since God designed me, I COULD love me just the way I was. It was in accepting me and all my imperfections that I began to be able to change and become even more of who God created me to be.
I now choose to do things for my body and for myself because I know that God wants the best for me, and when my thinking lines up with that reality, it is so much easier to actually follow through. I'm talking about eating healthier, and not watching tv or reading fashion magazines or actually going for walks or doing things for other people that make their lives better. I believe that the less I focused on me, the more I was able to change. It seems so backwards- so opposite what you think you need to do, but really, that is when I have seen change happen in me.
When I started telling myself I didn't need a boyfriend to affirm my love and worth back in college, well, that is when I started to get asked out and months later met Chip and fell in love. When I began to just focus on loving life and others around me, that is when others started to love me back in bigger ways.
I was depressed through my whole pregnancy with Teagan, but can honestly say that the moment she was placed in my arms after her birth, my heart literally cared a fraction about me and was totally overwhelmed and consumed with her. Nothing mattered to me at that point, about my weight or looks or even how much sleep I would or wouldn't get...I olnly wanted to be my best and give her the world. I thank God that He allowed me to struggle through 9 months of pregnanacy with her- even as I questioned Him and was angry and depressed. Because in the end He gave me the greatest gift of being able to love more and give more of me than I ever had in my life.
I had no idea I would write this long chapter in my life here today. I actually meant to just post a few photos to 'prove' to a few of my friends that when they tell me I look so good this pregnancy, that it most definitely hasn't been true in any of my previous five. But instead, I have spilled some of the deep parts of my heart and soul. In so doing, I truly hope that someone else will be challenged to want to be more than they are at this moment.
Maybe it's the hormones and the squirming going on in my belly even as I type this that made me want to get this all out right now. Maybe it is the humble disbelief that God really does love us and wants us to bring all our concerns to Him. Maybe it's the reality that there is a life inside me, being entrusted to Chip and me to love and encourage all the potential this baby has to give the world in just a matter of days. Maybe it is any number of things, but in my heart I just want to share the good, the bad, and the reality that we all can choose Joy and seek God and He will help us become exactly who He wants us to be. That is a truth that I never want to forget.