Love notes.

Hello February and fresh starts! I love new beginnings and today is what I have termed it a "grace day" at my house because it's Monday and school was cancelled due to weather conditions here in Michigan. Instead of snowing, blowing and sub-zero temps, we instead have blue skies and sunshine! So it is simply a good day to relax, kick back, stay in pj's {we do that a lot in the winter around here!} and just enjoy this unexpected break in life.
To that end, I have decided that it was the perfect time to jump back on to my laptop and share a tiny bit of my heart. Okay. Maybe a bit more than just my heart, as I am feeling mixed emotions about sharing these photos and thoughts behind them. I think this month of February is a wonderful backdrop for me to post "love notes" to my kids and this blog has always been a spot for me to get things down and out and saved in a spot for future reference.
As much as I want to express my thought and heart toward my kids {my girls especially} I sort of believe that this is a message that others might need to hear too. If you can see past the images- which I didn't realize had so much to 'say' when I ordered prints of these photos, then maybe the true message can start to settle in.
I have been self-conscious about my body, shape, size and flaws since as long as I can recall, and yet even so I think there is such worthwhile lessons in embracing ourselves- just as we are and as God created us to be. He never makes mistakes or messes up- certainly not on people whom He loves so much! That is the heart of this scrap layout and if my kids realize I love them just as they are...then how much more must God love them too!
I am so humbled and blessed to be able to stand in front of a camera, snap a few photos and then be brave in sharing the struggle and beauty that comes from learning to love it all. He loves us in spite of all we will never be- none of us can measure up to perfection- and yet we are loved in spite of our failures, flaws, insecurities, pride, and His grace covers it all so that in His eyes we ARE perfectly whole because of who He is! His love never ceases to amaze me. His grace has changed me from inside-out and I hope that His love will be the one thing my kids seek more than anything else this world has to offer. There is nothing greater than knowing God's love firsthand. It is the greatest love of all!
The world tells us that things or being a certain size of having financial security or a job or spouse or house or degree or adventure or happiness or any other number of things will fill us up. But the truth is only God's love and grace can be enough to fill us with true peace, contentment, and assurance of Hope. To that end I pray that I will be a tool for Him to shine that message to my kids and anyone else who has ears and open heart to receive that message. He is Love and all we ever need!

Beyond the fluff of Valentine's...

What I would love to write in this space today is how dreamy and sappy it is to be celebrating Valentine's Day with my true love. Who doesn't want the perfect love story at some point in their life?! Especially on Valentine's Day. But the truth and reality in this great big world of ours- even on Valentine's Day- or maybe especially so on Valentine's Day!- is that true love isn't as pretty and sweet as the cards, flowers, dark chocolates and fairytales that consume this holiday would like us all to believe. Those things are great. They are awesome and special even! They do say, "I love you" and they can certainly communicate what is in one's heart. I am not writing off dark chocolate sea-salt caramels wrapped up with a bow ever! But I am sharing my own heart and thoughts about what I have learned love to be. And I can tell you, it's not all rosy and chocolates.
In fact the deepest, most pure love that I have ever experienced in my 41 years of life most often has been shown to me not in the form of a tangible gift at all. It hasn't been showered on me when life has been it's prettiest. It has been in some of the deepest, darkest pits of life that I have felt loved, supported, cherished and comforted. The times when I look back in my life and know that love was holding me are times when flowers and chocolates would have failed, and even felt offensive as a gift of love. It strikes me as interesting that when I have needed love and care the most in my life that the most thoughtful, most meaningful gesture of love has been simply having someone sit next to me and weep with me, or hold me close and cry with me.
Love has shown itself faithful and true to me in an embrace at the airport in Chicago standing next to baggage claim.
It has stood by me as we sang, "It is well with my soul" as we said good-bye to Teagan at her memorial services.
Love has lifted me when I felt I couldn't bring myself to say, "I forgive you". Love was wrapped around me when I claimed that truth and it helped set my heart free.
Love was there when I cried out and wept over a load of fresh, warm whites to fold and found myself unable to breathe. It whispered to my heart, "look to the Heavens and trust me for your very breath".
Love has wrapped its tiny newborn finger around mine and made me believe in joy and Hope in this world again.
It has gotten up with me in the middle of the night, too many times to count, and helped give a shower or start a load of laundry and held a sick child.
Love has walked in the door and placed take-out on the counter. Too many times to count that as well. =)
It has scrapped the snow off the windshield and started the vehicle so that the inside was warm for travel.
Love tells me to "text him a grocery list" and says "no problem" when I say thank you for doing that errand/chore for our family again. And again. And again.
True love has shown me that it's not a tiny box wrapped with a big bow at precisely the right moment in time that reveals the heart, but the way it grins and smiles and says, "you look beautiful" even after a sleepless night or a ruthless day spent just trying to keep my head above water. Love looks at me when I am at my worst and says, "There is nobody in the whole world I would rather be next to at this moment in time, except you."
Love has dared to say that it would be easier for us to be apart, but it is far better to hang on and trudge forward together. Love has believed in the future of us even when the present has looked dim, and the questions outnumber the answers in life.
Love has said, "I'm sorry...I messed up...and I'm trying." It has allowed me to say the very same things.
Love has seen the ugly side of me. More than once. And yet it stands by my side to this very day.
Love has taught me so many things about God, others and myself.
It has been poured out to me in unexpected people, places and things. It has been undeserved, unmerited, and unleashed to me since as far back as I can remember.
Love has changed me, saved me, redeemed me, and it makes me want to be a better me. Not just today. Not because of flowers. Or chocolate or any other thing that can be bought or sold.
True love comes from the heart, comes from Above, and comes in such subtle ways that I sometimes miss seeing just how beautiful it is.
Today- this Valentine's Day- seems as fitting a day as ever for me to pause and look back and say thanks. To all the Love I have been given in this life. I am humbled, grateful, and my heart is overflowing with gratitude for such love. I only hope I can shower some of my love and gratitude back to God, to Chip who has showered me with so much and still gives me all these years, and to my family, friends and strangers too. One of my favorite things about true love is that it never runs out, gets old, dries up or falls short. It can be given and shared and it only grows from there!

Letting your light shine.

I may have shared this story in years past here on Nitty.Gritty. But it's a good one, and this photo recently showed up in my FaceBook feed and so it just seemed fitting to share it and the story that came to my mind right away when I saw it. This picture is of Teagan and her friend, Jess, taken on a  day that they had a playdate at our house. Now, you can probably tell just by looking at this picture that these two little girls loved to play, be loud, laugh and enjoy just being little girls! We knew Jess from our local church. It was one of the places that we made some lifelong friends when we lived in Gaylord. Church was one of the places that practically "felt like home" for us- in part because of the great friendships we did for with so many people there, but also because we spent a lot of time there- besides the usual Sunday morning church services.
Jess and Teagan didn't just love to play and laugh and have fun when they had playdates at home. But they loved to be loud and have fun at church together too. Sometimes that felt appropriate- like during game time in the gym, or while singing and learning funny songs during Vacation Bible School. I loved and appreciated the good times these girls, and lots of other young friends of theirs shared in church.
But one Sunday morning stands out in my mind when I see this picture of Teagan and Jess. The new auditorium had recently been built and was the new worship sanctuary for Sunday mornings and other large events/gatherings. It seats about 1,100 people and let's just say that there was a lot of time and money invested in that big, new auditorium.
This particular Sunday morning the girls had connected at church during Sunday School, and they were still happily hanging out as the morning services ended and the parents gathered their children or just talked and fellowshipped together before it was time to part. The girls chose this Sunday morning to go running up and down the large aisles of the new worship center. But they didn't stop there. They ventured up on stage and were running and laughing and playing behind the big curtain and by the podium as well. When I realized that Teagan was a part of the noise and rambunctious behavior in the auditorium I gave Chip "the look" to go get her immediately and put a stop to her wild antics. I watched the girls run and laugh even more for a minute or two as they realized they were 'caught' and were being called to bring their fun and games to a halt.
Their response to Chip when he ushered them down from the stage was that "they were just playing and having fun!" Of course they were! But I could feel the 'eyes' of other church goers on them and on us as parents that made it feel anything but "fun".
On the ride home from church that day Teagan got a little lecture on "how to act in church". We reminded her that the sanctuary was "God's house" and that she should be careful of how loud and wild she was in that place from now on. She seemed to understand, and yet she was still grinning and told us how much she loved playing with Jess and her others friends at church too.
I could never have imagined on the ride home from church that day that it would only be a matter of months later that I would be standing in that very auditorium honoring and remembering Teagan's life at her memorial service. I remember that day so clearly as well. How my heart was so shattered and how my mind was still trying to come to grips with the reality that I would never see her laugh or run or dance and twirl on this earth ever again. I could hardly believe that we were sharing stories and pictures of her life in remembrance of her- because to me she was still so full of life and joy and I wasn't prepared to let any of that go!
And yet Chip and I stood hand-in-hand with our hearts broken and wounded and clueless as to how it all happened and more so, how God was going to mend the brokenness that we felt to the very core of our hearts. I pictured Teagan running and laughing in the very place that hundreds of flowers now served as a reminder that she was gone. Her smiling picture on the memorial alter made my heart ache more. I wanted to turn back time to the day she ran and laughed so loudly that I sent Chip rushing down the aisle to scoop her up and halt her fun. I wanted to turn back time and do it all over again.
Only this time I would have wanted to hug her and tell her how happy I was that she was simply being who God made her to be. I wanted to turn back the days and watch her twinkle and shine on that stage with her friend, Jess, as only two little girls can in the midst of their play. I wanted to look on their joy and grasp how it was one of the purest forms of worship in that space that day. Their actions may not have been perfectly in line with what other church-goers or Chip or I had in mind for them in that new auditorium. But in retrospect, and certainly in light of the reality we faced at Teagan's service, their actions were in perfect accord to how God wants us to come to Him with our hearts and lives. He wants us to come as little children. Not caring about what others think or even how we see ourselves. He wants us to come to Him in worship, recognizing who He is, and putting all of our self aside. True worship is singing, dancing, praying, sacrificing, embracing all of who GOD is, and truly being humble in spirit and simply being who God created us to be. There is nothing we can bring to His alter that He doesn't already 'own' or have access too...except our hearts. He wants our hearts to be poured out to Him as our love offering. We can come "too loud, too wild, too clueless" as to who He is, and yet He accepts us as we are simply because we come. He just wants our hearts. Plain and simple.
I am so glad to know that Teagan invited Jesus into her heart and life just the day before she died. She knew that Jesus died on the cross for her sin, and truly the most important thing that anyone can do, who understands who God is, is to give their heart to Him by asking forgiveness of their sin and inviting Him into their life. God does the rest. I miss the mark far too often when it comes to living the simple way that God wants us to live. He wants us to shine for Him, lean on Him, shout for Him, share our joys and sorrows and everything in between for Him, and just be who He created us to be. Nothing more. Nothing less. It seems so simple. And it is. Even a child can get it and live out their days letting their life shine for Him. I am so glad I had a front row seat to Teagan's life. Especially on the day she ran through the auditorium in response to just being who God made her to be.

Autumn, fall, I love it all.

 

 

I am not sure how September seems to have suddenly turned into October, but here it is and the calendar doesn't lie! Yesterday I baked a new recipe- the Apple Pie Bread found at this link- and it made the whole house smell great. It was pretty tasty {crumbly, when cut and eaten!} and the kids loved it! I am not a great cook, but baking makes me happy and I almost always make someone else happy when I bake too, so that is a win-win in my book. Cooking is best left to Chip, and I am looking forward to the delicious soups and fall flavors that will happen in our kitchen in the coming days and weeks too.
Cocoa Daisy's "Sweater Weather" kit is now available for purchase. You can see more of the add-ons and Day In The Life kit at the site too, as well as all the awesome design teams' layouts and projects. I so enjoyed meeting my friends in person and love how I get to play with paper and new products each month, but more importantly the friendships that we share online grow with each layout made and chat shared too! That is another win-win in my book. =)
Our weather is supposed to feel like summer for another few days here in Michigan, and then the cooler weather will kick in. I love the change of seasons and yet I know I am not going to look forward to a long, white winter yet, so that means we will soak up every bit of fall that we can.
I have a heavy, burdened heart for some of my friends going through some really tough stuff in life right now. Life and death stuff that sort of sucks the joy of life and makes one miss everything going on about them- like the changing seasons. I know that God is in and over all of it, but that doesn't make the hard times in life less hard. They just point us to a Hope and a greater trust, but developing that comes at the cost of suffering and pain.
I think the changing seasons is such an 'obvious time' to see God at work and a beautiful reminder that He is steadfast, He loves, He cares about the details, and He is merciful. I pray you will see that, feel it and believe it with your whole heart. He is our portion- no matter how little or much we need. Always.

The day that Daddy came back.

 

It's 3:47am. I am blogging. That means a couple of things are going on. One is that I am awake and my mind is spinning. The other thing is that the house is quiet and calm because everyone else is sleeping. I guess this is the only time I have available to blog in my life as there is never a dull moment in my day. This also explains the lack of posts. I am usually asleep at this time of the night. I already know I am going to regret being up right now and doing this, even in just 4 hours or so. But I am here for now. So I will squeeze in as much as I can- even though the past few weeks in the life of the Ferlaaks deserves it's own book. It's been that wild and crazy!
But even a tad fun.
And a whole lot of amazing.
And that is why my head is spinning and I am here typing.
Sometimes life gets going. Going in a certain direction. Other times it just stands still. And it drags. Or just is. Still at other times life starts moving, and I can tell something is up. I might not always know why or what or how come, but there's a feeling that something is going on.
That is what I write of today.

To do so, I need to finish a blogpost that I started a couple of weeks ago, and never got around to finishing, much less posting. It was a typical summer morning. Chip got up, showered and was saying his goodbyes for the day. The kids aren't always awake. At least not all of them. And sometimes some are eating breakfast and playing on the iPads and Chip and I have yet to get up. We're all over the place with our schedule in the summer. We like late nights {not normally as late as the one I am having right now!} and long mornings. We have very little on our agendas. Except to say goodbye and give Daddy hugs and kisses before he leaves for work.
This particular morning Chip was saying his goodbyes and as he did I could just begin to hear Teague start to fuss in his bedroom. He still sleeps in a crib {he just turned 3 and we love that he loves his crib and stays put in there!} and so someone has to come and get him out each morning. He got a bit louder just as Chip was putting his hand on the doorknob to leave, and I looked at Chip and said, "Go now so Teague won't have a meltdown saying goodbye". That's what Teague does.
He loves his daddy. He loves his dad a whole lot. With Chip's long hours at work in the summer, sometimes we don't see him a whole lot. So when Chip leaves, Teague cries. And throws a fit on the front step. Then Chip leaves and feels guilty. And I am left with a little guy doing limp body and fussing in the front step for several minutes some mornings. It makes me want to drink more coffee. That's what was ahead of us if Chip stuck around while I got Teague up, so instead Chip quickly left, and I went to go get Teague out of his bed. He started to fuss louder when I got him out. I gave him some morning hugs and kisses. But he just put on his best pouty face and started crying. "Do you want some orange juice, Teague?" "Do you want your little lamby and yellow blankie?" I started asking questions. "Calm down, mister...it's morning time and we get to have a fun day!" This is what I was saying to him as his crying started to get louder and louder. The other kids had joined my question party by this time and they were all using their "happy voices" wishing him a good morning and offering kisses and other ideas like toaster waffles.
Nothing was working.
I just held him for a minute longer. He kept on crying. I asked him to "use your words" and tell Mommy what's wrong. His crying finally got quieter, and he looked right at me and said, "I wanted to give Daddy a kiss."
My heart basically melted.
He had been listening to the other kids say their goodbyes, and he had no way of getting in on the hugs and kisses and send-off. I was happy to finally know that there actually was a "real problem" and my "real solution" was that we could call Daddy on his phone and say good morning and goodbye all at once. I took Teague to the kitchen to get my phone and I told him my plan. I dialed Chip and he answered. Which I typically don't like him to do if he's in a car. "What's up?" he asked. He never knows what to expect when I call him. I don't do it often, but there's always a 50/50 that it's a good or bad thing. I said, "Teague was just waking up when you left and he is so upset that he didn't get to hug you goodbye." I fully expected Chip to say, "Put him on and I'll talk to him for a minute." Instead, Chip said, "I'm on my way home."
I was more than a bit surprised. Chip has a lot on his plate in life and at work these days. Several minutes had gone by since he had left home, so this wasn't just a quick turn around at the end of the block. I set the phone down and Teague just about had another meltdown right then and there. I grabbed his little hand and said, "come outside on the front step...Mommy wants you to get a surprise!" Kids love surprises, but not so much when they are just coming off of a meltdown and the drama of crying for the first several minutes of their day.
We sat on the front step. Brock joined us. We looked at the sky. We listened to a couple of birds. We saw the grass. And flowers. It must have felt to Teague as though I was the biggest phony surprise thrower of all time. At one point I finally told him to be quiet and listen. I could hear Chip's car coming down the street. Teague was on my lap on the front step clueless that his morning wish was about to come true!
I think Teague was about to start crying all over again when I told him to look down the street as far as he could to see if he could see anything. Brock was starting to grin at this point. And a few seconds later Chip's vehicle pulled back into our driveway. "Daddy's home!! Daddy came back! It's Daddy!"

Teague was so excited. I am getting a knot in my throat right now even as I type it out, because it was a truly magical moment. My little clueless, upset two-year old {at that time} suddenly had his whole morning turned around. His little heartbroken request that he had finally spilled out to me when "he used his words" hadn't just been a cry of hurt and disgust that fell on deaf ears. Instead, his cry had been heard, and more than loud and clear, his heartbreak at not being able to say goodbye and give a hug had turned to complete and utter joy at the surprise return from Chip coming back to more than meet his need.
I actually caught part of the whole scene on one of our iPad cameras. I snapped the picture in this post of Teague and Daddy together for that brief couple of moments that morning too, and those smiles are the real deal! Teague's fussing was so quickly forgotten and his tiny arms wrapped so tight around his dad and the 'drama' of our morning up to that point all melted into a beautiful embrace. I was so happy for Teague.
I was so proud of Chip and my heart melted at just how big his heart is at times too. He chose to come home, when a simple hello on the phone would have salvaged a part of Teague's hurt. He went beyond what he needed to do and it blew me and Teague away. The whole scene has played over and over in my mind the past few weeks.
It is so late and I am so tired, and there is so much more to this story. The part about how that picture in my mind so parallels what God has been doing in my heart and life too. It's been unfolding for months. Years, I believe.
God has been up to something.
I've been in a place where the only way 'out' {like Teague in his crib} was going to happen when God chose to get me out. I needed my Father to pick me up and open a door. I was kicking and crying, and even though I could have had a toaster waffle or juice or any number of things to bring me happiness, all the while He had a plan to bring me more than that. He has been up to something for awhile now. And I couldn't see it, hear it, or have a clue what it was. Just as Teague had no clue Chip was already on his way home with a big hug and kiss waiting for him on arrival.
He could have settled for a quick phonecall and chat with Daddy. But Chip had a better idea. And even though it temporarily broke Teague's heart for me to not let him talk on the phone, or even tell him that Daddy was coming home, I knew it was going to be a wonderful and even better surprise in the end.
I knew it would be worth Teague's confusion as he waited on a front step without a clue. I knew it would be more than worth it for him to see that Chip drove back home just to see him! I knew it was going to make the tears of the morning literally disappear. His sorrow would be turned to joy, and it was! Teague's whole morning was made!

My heart has been so hurt for a long time for many different reasons. Some days I haven't had a clue as to how life has played out the way it has for us. But for some reason- as reason I still don't know or understand- in the past few weeks too many things have happened that make me literally see God's hand in life's details. It has been wonderful. It has been amazing at times. It has been fun even! My heart has felt happiness in the truest sense of the word. Our house sold. A new one just happened to fall into place for us. At just the right place. At just the perfect time.
Chip and I somehow managed to go out on a date together. It has been more than a year since we have done that. And we didn't just get a date. We took a whole day trip together. And nothing went 'wrong' the whole day. In spite of the downpour we got stuck in as we walked from Navy Pier in Chicago to Millenium Park. We laughed together. We enjoyed each other. We had actual conversations. About things other than kids or work. There has been so much going on in the past few weeks that my head is still spinning and we still have a move ahead of us this coming Tuesday. I should be overwhelmed. I should be freaking out. I should be asking myself how on earth is everything going to get done that needs to get done?!
Instead I am blogging. I am doing something I rarely get a chance to do anymore. I needed to write. I needed to come here and tell the world that God is amazing. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him or have a clue if He is even listening to our fussing and cries. I want to assure myself and whomever else reads here that He is. He is real. He gives life to dry bones. He longs to do good things in the hearts and lives of those who love Him. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is good and kind and fun even! He is a God who listens, who loves, who makes time for us, who knows better than we know ourselves just how to fill our lives with goodness and joy.
I don't know if Teague even remembers the day that Daddy came back. But one day, maybe one day when all the world has let him down or life is threatening to steal his joy, I want to remind him of this story. That really happened. That was so beautiful and pure and true that it will hopefully stir in his heart a little something that makes him want to be a better person and believe in goodness and Love again.
I have sometimes wondered. I have doubted far too many times in my life.
I am ashamed because I have known since I was about Teague's size that I love a God who is bigger and more powerful than any mind can comprehend. Yet still my trust has worn thin at times and I have wondered if my prayers have even been heard.
He has heard every one. He has a plan to meet every need. His plans are good. His ways are higher. I am humbled and honored to give all my praise to Jesus, my Lord. I don't know what lies just ahead in this next adventure in life. I am just so thankful that I never need to doubt or wonder if God is real. He is. And He is so Good. He is so Good to me.

Good stuff and open roads for dreamin'.

 

Our family just marked another year gone by since the tragedy that claimed Teagan's life and altered us forever occurred. It has been 12 years now. I think one of the things that stood out most to me this year is just how much Teagan will always be a part of our life story~ no matter how much time goes on. The memories of that day are so vivid and clear to me, and I doubt they will ever fully fade. There was so much trauma and weeks of hospital and intense concern surrounding all of our injuries and recovery, that I am sure would take a lifetime to forget. I do know that it sometimes still feels like it all happened yesterday, and the ache of the reality that Teagan is truly gone doesn't ever diminish. The hole she left in our hearts and lives is still the same size as it was the day she was taken off of life support. We have done lots of living between then and now, but who she was and how she changed our lives for the better from the moment she was born will never change.
And for that, I am grateful, and I will always thank God for sending such a vibrant, sweet, beautiful girl into our lives.
I am glad that we didn't get stuck in that place of grief and sorrow that threatens to consume and overwhelm one's life in the days and weeks following death. There was so much pain and darkness in that pit of sorrow. I was so angry to be in it at times, knowing how amazing and pleasurable life had been before being thrown into this place unannounced. I was angry that life for our family was being defined by such an ugly event, and I was angry that our joy had been ripped from our hands without giving us a choice or chance to do anything about it. That was a hard place to be, for sure. All I wanted was out of there, and yet as our injuries and Wyndham's challenges became our new way of life, I realized we would never fully 'escape' the pain and grief.
Chip and I struggled with how to move forward through those early days. I spent many of them weeping and struggling to even catch my breath through my sobs, as my physical pain hurt and my broken heart hurt and life seemed only dark and daunting. I didn't believe we would ever be 'whole' again. I didn't believe there would ever come a day when we wouldn't feel sadness. I felt like all of life was tainted and the only thing I wanted back was a small taste of joy.
I didn't know how that could happen though, because our whole world was pain- from the  nightmares I woke up from in the night, to Brock's post traumatic stress syndrome, to Wyndham's injuries and meds and Chip's broken bones...it was all so painful. We didn't even come home from the hospital for 3 weeks. It felt like an eternity. It felt like our nightmare would never end.
In our sorrows and grief and heartache and pain, Chip and I knew we wanted something more. We wanted to be able to live again! We wanted days filled with laughter and fun and happiness. We were living in darkness and we wanted so much to believe that there was Joy for the taking somewhere in the world again. We made a vow to fight for that together. We cried together for what we had lost and for what our "new normal" looked like now. I knew I needed Chip to be by my side- but fully understood how marriages fall apart in those dark valleys of life. I am glad that as hard as some of the days and months and years have been, that after 12 years of hardship, we are still together. We have had ups. We have had lots of downs.
We have had miracles happen.
We have loved deeper and more easily.
We have looked for ways to make new happy memories.
We have fought for joy and laughter.
We have been blessed beyond measure.
We still miss Teagan everyday.
We still lean on God as our source of strength, comfort and Joy.
He is our Rock, our healer and the One who has held us together and carried us through it all.

Our family has grown in number and there have been days that have overflowed with joy and happiness in our life in the past 12 years. I never could have imagined ordinary days being able to be full of happiness again. But we have lived them, so I know they exist. The journey of grief is long and hard and I don't wish it on anybody. My heart goes out to everyone touched by loss of a loved one. Something as simple as going to Despicable Me 2 can be a simple pleasure. Having a healthy family and opportunities to watch my kids grow and learn and to make memories together as a family are the very things that make life so worthwhile. Seeing beauty in the smallest things shows just how merciful, gracious and loving God is. That He cares about all the details of our lives is amazing. It's humbling. That He would reach down and enter into our hurts and cry with us and guide us out of the valley of darkness and death into the fullness of life again is the miracle in our lives everyday.
I sometimes get lost in the place of pity and heartache much more easily than I ever did before our tragedy. I am so thankful that God doesn't allow me to sit and wallow forever.
I am so glad that He put in me- in Chip- the desire to want to live a life of joy again. Even in simple things like baking homemade chocolate chip cookies and dreaming of what lies ahead in life. I am glad that little things- like piles of laundry and noisy kids- are sometimes my biggest reminders of what I love and care most about- the special people in my life are my greatest blessings. The Hope of heaven keeps me going.
If someone had said I would have 6 kids, and be on a scrap team and blog and smile when I use a pink vacuum, and riding carts at Target would all be a part of my life at this time in 2001, I never would have believed it. But I am so glad that they way I imagined life playing out versus the reality of how it actually does look are so vastly different, that I hardly recognize the 'old life' anymore. I am holding on to the good memories as tight as I can. But I am ever grateful that my heart and hands were opened to embrace what God has placed back into our lives. It's pretty great, and I am so blessed to be able to say so!
In case you happen to like the scrap goodies you see in the pages I made here as much as I love them, you can get them for yourself starting tomorrow at Cocoa Daisy.com. It is a truly wonderful thing to me, to be able to use my hands and create something- just for the fun and joy of it. I never thought that would happen in my life ever again. And now I do it every single month! And lots of times in between too! God is a God of miracles. I take one look at my life as it is now and I know that it is true.

Coke Float Day. Then and Now.

It was an amazing day yesterday on many levels. Life has so many ups and downs and twists and turns. Sometimes several rollercoaster rides occur even before noon around our house! It is a tricky thing to find some sort of balance, but never more so than when it comes to grief and living with the loss of loved one, and holding onto those memories, but not letting them suck the joy out of the life you still live even though they're gone. We've been riding this coaster for years now and it is still a process of growing and learning for me. I think it always will be.
So yesterday was a special day for our family. It has been an extra special day since June 30, 2001. That was the day that Coke Float Day was set in motion. We just wouldn't know that until a year later when we made it official. Here is the story behind the original photo of Chip and Teagan. It was 11:00 at night and Teagan always stayed up late to have her Daddy time. She was a Daddy's girl through and through and a night owl too, which was a lucky thing for both of them because he worked late and long hours especially in the summertime. But she still had energy to dance and laugh and listen to Larry Lizard stories with Chip at bedtime. This night Chip came in, changed clothes and grabbed a cold can of Coke out of the refrigerator. Teagan was right on his heels. She wanted some pop too. "Please, Daddy?!" and those big blue eyes! How could a daddy who had spent his day with golfers coming in and out of the Pro Shop, say no to cute, big blues eyes like that...and a beckoning smile to go along with them? Well, the answer is that he couldn't. Not that night anyway. I was ready to crawl into bed, exhausted from home keeping and taking care of Teagan {4}, Brock {2} and Wyndham {just 6 months old} at that time. I wanted no part of Teagan drinking a sugary, caffeinated cola at that hour, I do remember that. However, not that many months earlier we had lived through the scare of our lifetime when Wyndham was just 3 weeks old and having trouble breathing and eating. I had found her turning blue and called 911- this after she had visited the ER 3 times already. Her subsequent trip by helicopter downstate to Hurley Hospital turned into a 5 day stay where the doctors had saved her life and we had been given a second chance at happiness with 3 small children again. Chip and I knew we had brushed death with Wyndham and that incident had given us a new perspective on life. Even when it was 11 o'clock and kids should be tucked into bed by that time of the night! In light of our heightened appreciation for the moments we had with our kids and how precious even the tired moments could be, we did something a little different that night.
Instead of me rolling my eyes and getting upset with Teagan for not wanting to settle in for the night or me grumbling at Chip that he should have waited to open his soda after she was in bed, I went to the cupboard and pulled out a couple of malt glasses. I pulled some vanilla ice cream from the freezer and the next thing you know happiness and delight filled the kitchen as Teagan realized she and Daddy were having a special date night and on the menu were Coke Floats! I remember her smiles and excitement so clearly. She had a way of lighting up a room and add a Coke Float and let's just say the happiness was palpable. Teagan and Daddy sat at her little table; I grabbed the camera. I had no idea that snapping a couple of photos of this simple moment in time was going to turn into anything bigger than the feeling we had of goodness and happiness at that shared moment in time. I knew I was happy that we were ending the day on a positive note. I was thankful for how we were living with intention about making the most of the time with our kids- which is why we were sipping Coke floats at such a late hour. I was glad to know that whatever I had done "wrong" that day as a mom was forgiven with such  ease as making a sweet bedtime treat. My heart was full that night knowing I had done something right and it was so well-received.
I couldn't have known that those few moments in the kitchen would turn into a memorial day for our family. I never dreamed that something as simple as a late-night Coke float would be one of the tickets our family has needed and used year after year, on which to build new happy memories and pull ourselves from the pit of sorrow that consumed us when Teagan died so suddenly exactly one month to that day later. I have written about how I was glad I didn't know what our future held for Teagan and our family back then. It most certainly would have brought dread into moments like these that we did have with Teagan in her final days on earth. We didn't know then, but we know now.
We know now that life is even more precious than we realized it was back then. We have learned that life is a gift every single day. We have learned that life with a Teagan-sized hole in our hearts can never be filled, but it can be recalled and celebrated and still enjoyed.
Anyone who has lost a loved one can tell you just how hard the first year is- every big and little thing that you miss about your loved one is magnified and the loss is felt in new ways over and over and over again until you feel you will run out of tears from all the sorrowing. The ache grows bigger and the hole feels larger as the reality takes hold and grips your heart and mind. Teagan was never coming back. She would never hug us or laugh or sing and play with us again. She would never stay up late and sleep in til noon. She was simply going to be missed. Every single day of the life we had left without her. That reality filled my heart and life with dread so many times. I have written about how I grieved her so much as I just tried to wash and fold a load of whites and her days of the week underwear were no longer in the pile to be folded. I spent hours looking through photo albums of the life we had shared with her and luckily captured on film too. The date stamped on the corner of those pictures sometimes just made my heart ache more. It was so stark in front of me that her life and come and gone and things we had loved and laughed and enjoyed with Teagan became a list of things in my heart I never wanted to do again because they would only make me miss her more and hate the reality of the life we were handed when she died.
As I flipped through the photo album and came upon pictures like Coke floats with her my heart ached. But I also had learned that hard lesson before she was gone that these kind of moments were so precious and the very things we wanted to enjoy in life! I knew in my heart that as much as my grief wanted to drown me and steal all the joy life held that I couldn't let that happen. And not because of me, but because I was still wanting to give Brock and Wyndham the life I had wanted to share with them and Teagan before she was gone. I knew that striking all the fun, happy things out of our life because they caused pain wasn't going to bring me more happiness, but instead they would bring more sorrow. More hurt.
That is how Coke Float Day was born. It didn't come from a family looking to be an inspiration to anyone. It didn't come from Chip and Jody thinking we could turn something so hurtful in our lives into a day of laughter, fun and special memories. It was born out of a sorrowing that hurt so deeply that we didn't want the pain to cut any further, so we looked for ways to make it stop. Even for moments at a time.
This year Coke Float Day was our most amazing one yet. With the ease of social media, like Face Book, it was simple for us to spread the word of our family's tradition of this day with others. Chip's golf club sent out a notice to all their pool and golf members that they could come to the club and enjoy a Coke Float in honor of Teagan's memory. I sent out an invitation to everyone of my friends on FB and gave a head's up about remembering to add soda pop and vanilla ice cream to their grocery lists. Our family spent most of the day at the club pool. We ate cheeseburgers and fries and drank our floats out of plastic cups. They were creamy and delicious. The sun was shining. The sky was blue. We were all healthy and happy. Watching other people walk up to the food service window and walk away with a Coke Float and a big smile on their face made my heart swell. Not in a prideful way at all. But in the bittersweet, humble way recognizing how God heals wounds in time and so painstakingly hard at times, but seeing the depth of our sorrow now putting joy and happiness on the faces and in the hearts of others brought me to tears. This time the tears on Coke Float Day flowed not out of pity or hurt our heartache, but out of the joy that I was glimpsing the way that God does make all things new. He has turned our sorrow to joy in even small ways. I sometimes don't see the joy or feel it long or hard enough. But I glimpsed it and tasted it yesterday. It was in the skip of a little red-haired girl in a yellow polka-dot swim suit. It was in the frothy mustache dripping down my own Teague's chin as he sipped his float. It was in the photos and notes and kind words shared by hundreds of our friends on Face Book yesterday. Each time we were tagged in some way I knew it was God letting us know that although this journey has, and continues to be long and hard, we are not alone. He is there. Friends are there. Strangers are there. Love is there. Teagan's memory lives on. Her life still brings joy to the lives and hearts of people around the world. Then and Now. My heart is blessed to know that although her days were short, her love and joy were so big that they still reach others. That is a gift that only comes from God. Teagan was and always will be our extra special gift!

When they actually listen and act too...

My kids are growing up far faster and with lots of stories and details than I keep up with on my blog these days. I used to be so much better about it, but as I said, the ease of FaceBook to post short sentences, links and upload photos has taken much of the place of blogging in my life. But I do like to come here and write when I have more time and space to do so. I also have been reading back through months past and noticing just how neat it is to actually have all these stories, photos and memories in a place like this. It sort of inspires or motivates me to want to write more. But lately every time I say I will be better about writing it just leaves me missing yet another goal. So I will simply hope that I can do better about this- but I won't bank on that happening.
So here I go...some thoughts and a couple of stories about my kids lately.
Wyndham is doing very well right now. She loves being back in her aqua therapy and is quite the swimmer from what I hear. I have yet to have the chance to see her in the pool at her therapy facility because I am always home caring for Teague and Crew while she has her appointments. But Chip tells me that she loves it so much and often splashes and jokes around when she doesn't want her pool session to end. She has been healthy for quite a long stretch now and that makes things so much easier for all of us- obviously. Between last winter and this winter she has not had a major illness- at least the kind that requires hospitalization. Prior to that she was in the hospital every winter, sometimes several times and sometimes in the summer too. So I think she is stronger and her immune system might have finally caught up to where it should be. I have loved seeing her personality shine and it is extra fun to see her act more like a preteen than a little girl. She has a very sharp sense of humor and we all love that most about her!
One of the things that jumped out at me about her last night was that she was the last person sitting at the table for dinner. The younger brothers are always the first to leave {or be excused!} and the others had run off to play and do homework. I was starting to clean up the kitchen and asked Wyndham is she was ready to move to another room too. She got up {which she rarely does on her own} and then picked up her plate and fork and brought it over to the kitchen sink. I was so proud of her and praised her for being a good helper! She loves to help set the table and mix things when we're cooking, and even likes to wipe the table when we're done. But it was cool to see her take the initiative and just do something that she is fully capable of doing, but rarely does. I know I could and should 'demand' more of her and all my kids when it comes to stuff like this. It still made me happy inside to know that she did it all her own and that she was pleased with herself too. It's hard to know what respnsibilities she should have, and even hard to not just do them all ourself because it is easier on her and on us. She beams- just like you see in her picture here today- when she meets or exceeds expectations. Don't we all?!
Then there is Brock. he deserves the spotlight around this blog too. As the oldest of the kids that ARE so demanding around here, he often gets added chores or time blocks where we ask him to help out. He still is always so willing to do whatever it is we ask. I don't praise him enough for that, and although I sometimes take him along to Target or to Barnes & Noble- and he also gets to go to sporting events and hang out with his friends there and at youth group, it is still nice to hear the praise too. So I am going to publicly say thanks to him for his generous spirit and helpfulness to Chip and to me at home. The kids look up to him and love him- even as much as they annoy him and hang on him too. I thought it was pretty impressive that a young check-out girl at Target actually noticed and said to him, "You're a good big brother" as he pushed Teague in the cart while I unloaded and paid the tab. Just by watching the way he responded to and entertained Teague for those few minutes was enough to make an impression and speak to his character that was seen by the girl ringing up our groceries. It made me realize that he is dependable and kind in how he treats his siblings. He told her he likes being the oldest of the 6 kids and Teague put on quite the show by barking and panting like a puppy right back. =) hee hee
I was thinking today about how much time and effort and prayers and tears and feelings of inadequacy fill my life when it comes to parenting and raising kids these days. That is much of my life from morning til night- and often even in the middle of the night too! But oh how wonderful and affirming it is to have glimpses of your kids "getting it right". I am realizing that though they need endless reminders and lots of guidance, they are learning at the very least what the expectations are, and that when they hit that mark it hopefully fuels in them the desire to keep going and strive to be the best they can be.
I wondered how I am doing on that level in regards to my spiritual life. After years of knowing what to do and how to do it I still need reminders and lots of guidance and encouragment to do the right thing. The walk of faith can be long and winding and daunting. Yet I know that I am going in the right direction and my heart still yearns to beat like that of Christ's. But I fall short everyday. Still, I know that God loves my efforts...He loves to see me {and all of us!} try our best. He loves when we listen, follow and obey. No matter what the cost; no matter who is watching.
I know that even on the days I am less than beaming for Him that He still wants the best from me, and expects it too! I know nothing I can do will make God love me more or love me less. Still, it is a neat picture to imagine Him smiling down when we get it right. Simply because we are being who He created us to be. I am working on being a better listener too. That way you know just what He wants and I know in turn my kids will see a better example of what I hope they grow to be too. More like Him.

Behind the scenes.

I talk about keeping it real around here. Sometimes I have gotten 'in trouble' or scolded for doing that too outright. Even my own husband has said to me a time or two, "You didn't need to blog that!" In the past couple of years, I have had so many times words or pictures or both were on my heart. But I just couldn't bring myself to share them- for so many different reasons. Sometimes the overwhelming stuff in life is just that. Overwhelming. My outlet in life since I was a little kid was to write. To get it out. To put it down on paper. To put words to the ache or happiness or searching that was in my soul. I sometimes wish that blogs had been around when I was 12. And 13. And 14 too. Up til now. I wrote so much and sometimes I come across little poems or journals that I kept all these years and sometimes my words hit me in new ways or show me a glimpse of who I was way back then. It's amazing to me how powerful words can be.
So much so that I don't even know how to type them out in the way I feel I need to just to 'say it right'. Or to say it 'wrong' but at least it's out and I can process it and move through those feelings. This is one of those posts. Where something has been on my heart, but it's hard for me to put it into words. In part that hppens because this blog has touched a lot of people, and in so doing, there have been some who have responded in hurtful or even unintentional ways, which have made me more guarded in what I do share. And also in how I share it. Even though this is my personal space to write or share whatever. I know that words and pictures impact people. And stir things in others. Sometimes we're on such different 'planes' or simply can't begin to out ourselves in someone else's shoes, and so the message comes across all wrong. I get that. I get it to the degree that it affects what I share and how I share it.
But this thing- this longing in me to share whatever it is that presses on my heart for unknown reasons to me- is so great that it urges me to share. Even if I get misunderstood. Even if it makes no sense to anyone else but me, and even if it means nothing else to anyone. To think that maybe it DOES mean something, or maybe it can touch someone else, or shed some light, connect my heart to another, that is reason enough to share.
Maybe I didn't even need to write all that out. I sometimes feel the need to explain why I blog. I guess that is my issue and I should work on that. =) Today I just want to share some behind-the-scenes pictures that took on a whole new look to me in light of some of the trials I have been feeling and going through in life right now. Going through some tough daily routines in a place where I'd rather not be right now has been a big struggle. My heart has been so heavy, my days have felt long and pointless so many days in a row. Still I believe that there is a point to it all. I believe I am lucky to have some amazing people in my life- close up and far away. I am lucky to know and love and believe in a God who doesn't waste a single struggle in our lives when we are willing to look to Him to make something beautiful out of it all. I am seeking to see the beauty in the process. Even when it is overwhelming, all-consuming, not-so-easy, and harder than it seems it should be at times.
Our family went to a local beach on Lake Michigan at the beginning of December. We wanted to capture some family pictures and let me tell you, it is no small feat to do such a thing with just the number of people we have to get in one spot. We knew the boys would be okay, because Chip had taken them to walk along the beach a couple of times prior to this picture-taking event. We knew we were going to be lucky to get even one picture together, and my expectations were very low as to even how that photo might turn out. I simply wanted us all in one frame together. I wasn't remotely concerned about smiles or eyes shut or any of that. Just get us together and hopefully, some of us would even have a bit of fun out on the beach at the same time. That was my goal.
To pull it off though, as small as that goal was, took a whole lot of effort. Just getting everyone dressed and into the van and then up on the sand dune for the attempted photo was a major effort. The wind was blowing fierce that day, even though the temperature {for Decemeber!} was a balmy 50 degrees. The boys wanted to run one direction and climb and have fun. I wanted that for them too. We didn't tell them, "it's time to take pictures!" but instead slowly gathered us all to one spot and had our friend keep snapping frames the whole time. It's those behind-the-scenes pictures to me that tell a more true story. The airbrushed, over-edited, Photoshopped pictures are the ones we see in the media all the time. But the truth, more often than not, is that in real life the 'pictures' are rarely posed or neat the way we think they always are. I think one of my struggles has been falling into that comparison trap where what we see around us or as we look at the lives of others we think things are neater or simpler or easier or 10 lbs lighter than they are. the fact is life is alot more messy than that.
Marriage is hard!
Kids are hard!
Gas prices go up...salaries don't rise at the same rate!
Sometimes prayers get prayed and the answers don't come!
Winds blow.
Rains fall.
Burdens get heavier.
Smiles get hard to capture all in one frame.
Getting the 'perfect picture' takes a lot of energy, time, bribing with tiny boxes of raisins, carrying others up sandy dunes, and even then you're not guaranteed a good shot. Much less a great or perfect shot!
Therein lies my struggle. That battle or tension that no matter how good the intentions or efforts or cause, the result might fall far short.
But I am slowly learning and keep repeating to myself that no matter what the results, it is always worth the effort to try. And not to simply just get though it, but to actually put my best foot forward. That is easier said than done! It's never what it appears to be, but even as I look back and as I look ahead, filled with questions and wondering if it even matters, I know that there is coming a day when the purpose and point of all the tough scenes we've lived in life will be so clear. And not only clear, but they will be redeemed too. That is enough to keep me going. No matter how hard the winds blow. No matter how heavy the load gets. I want to be able to see the picture as it was meant to be seen- from glory's vantage point. By His grace, that day is coming and oh what a day that will be.

Happy month of December.

Happy December, indeed. I am so looking forward to this month of reflection and celebration. Even, or maybe because of, a year of feeling unsettled and yet blessed in so many ways, it just seems fitting to take some time to ponder it all and to look to the One who is the cause of joy in our hearts and lives always.
I am sharing some of the things I created using the December Cocoa Daisy kit called, "Hello my name is". It was one of my favorite kits to date since I joined the team this past July. I have loved setting up my scrapspace in our new "old" home the past couple of weeks. I have loved getting to make cards and miniboooks and pages using a whole host of fun, colorful and new products~ including my personal favorite stamp exclusive to the Cocoa Daisy boutique- those antlers. =) {You can view my December gallery here.}
My love for them has grown seemingly out of nowhere, and it continues to grow too! At one point antlers became my symbol for hope and anticipation. So it's only fitting for me to use that image during this Christmas season, but also anytime I need to hold onto the ideal of what is yet to come. They sort of embody for me what life is about- that spot in our hearts that believes in a bright future and of good yet to come. For me it's not just about the fun and festivities, but the true belief that God is still at work in our broken, fallen world and that the belief in His Son, Jesus whom He sent t earth as a baby in a manger came not just as a cute story for the holiday season. But He came to enter into our human world and feel and experience it- as dark and cold and bleak as it is at times- He not only lived it and felt it all, but He brought hope and light and healing to those of us who believe in Him as Jesus and God. He came to save. He came to restore. He came because He is God and He is love! That reality never changes, no matter what our circumstances are in life. For that reason alone, we ALL can celebrate and choose Joy this time of year. I love that this time of year brings reason to rejoice- or maybe just the reminder for many of us who have forgotten or were overwhelmed at times in our year that there is always hope, always more peace and love and joy out there for the taking. We just have to have open hearts and eyes that are willing to look for it and then sit back and wait for God to reveal it to us in His way and in His time.
I am ever grateful for the way He shows us He is still very much involved in our world. In big and small ways. The Bible tells us that He is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow and that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He cares and loves us always! What a wonderful promise and yet more reasons to celebrate the God of every season.
I don't know what my future holds. I don't know what job my husband will get. Or if I will have to get a job too! =) I don't know why we moved out of state and back again in a year. I don't know why we were called to have Teagan taken from our lives more than a decade ago, and yet we miss her and wish she were still a very real part of our family photos to this day. I don't know why Wyndham has struggled to get back on her feet for two years, nor do I know what she will accomplish in her life as a result of her hard work in therapy for more than a decade now too. I don't know what the future holds for any of my kids or for any of us. But I do know that we can rest assured that when we take hold of not just the story of Jesus, but if we truly believe in the one who was sent to save, that we can walk day by day with a peace that passes all understanding and that gives assuarance to us that everything is going to work out in the end.
I am hoping to rest more and claim that peace even more in the coming days and years even. God is so good and even when we can't see it, feel it, sense it or taste it in our daily lives, I do know that we can trust God to be true to His promises to us. Always.
Isaiah 9:6-7 "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father,
Prince of Peace.
Of the greatness of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David’s throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this."

Wild and crazy...and tasty too.

 Oh my.

It has been quite a month in the life of Nitty.Gritty. It feels like more than a month, actually. I am not even sure how to do a recap in blogpost form. There could be several posts about what we just went through. And maybe there will be as I continue to process everything that has happened.

For now I will do a 'quick overview' and the good news for you is that it starts with cupcakes! =) Hooray for gourmet cupcakes in the middle of life's dramas, right?! The good part isn't even the cupcakes- as delicious and amazing as they were. And let me tell you, they were amazing! The good part is the people in our lives behind the cupcakes and behind us all the way as we lived out some of the most stress we have endured in a long while.

Without re-reading my previous post {and I rarely read my own blog posts}, I am not even entirely certain where I left off. There were so many twists and turns and ups and downs and the feeling that life was going to go one direction and the reality is that we ended up in a whole different direction. To be perfectly honest, I sort of feel like I don't know where I am right now, how I got here, or what I am supposed to be doing now. It has been a wild and restless whirlwind, and I think we are still trying to 'settle down' and just pause and catch our breath.

The good-bye cupcakes came about because we ended up packing all of our belongings from the home we were renting in Minnesota and we loaded two movig trucks, one trailer and two vans with everything, all 8 of us, and my parents tagged along as our big supporters and helpers, and we moved back to our house that has been for sale in Michigan since last Thanksgiving. So basically it goes like this:

Last Thanksgiving Chip got a job offer at a course in Minnesota and we found a home to rent there, put our house up for sale, packed everything and moved a week or so before Christmas. Flash forward one year, and here we found ourselves packing everything back up- including box after box that had never been unpacked- and moving it all right back to where we started. It sounds daunting and ridiculous and mind-boggling, I am sure. The truth is that it is all those things to us too. And more.

I frankly still don't know what to make of it. As a person who has such a reliance on God and trusting in His ways to help guide and direct the paths we take in life, this whole scenario just seems unbelievable. Part of me is trying to wrap my head around it all. It was a whirlwind year- full of changes, good things, bad things, stressful things, fun things, new friendships, new adventures and then a screeching halt and we're back to where we started. A part of me wonders how that could happen. Did we miss something? Did God not want us to move to Minnesota and we did so out of selfish motives and in the meantime have to learn some hard lessons only to have us move back because He didn't really want us there in the first place? Or did God truly lead us there and plug us in to a great church body, give us real and lasting friendships as a gift, and now close that door there just when things were starting to settle down and feel 'right' for our family there? And if so, to either of these big questions, my next question is why? Why would we go through such major drama and stresses. Can't we learn life lessons a different way...an easier way? Or maybe all that happened in our lives for not just us- but maybe they happened for someone else? Could that be? I don't know. I really, truly don't know what it was all for. I cannot see a point or purpose to it all. And in the midst of going through it, the emotions, the stress of not knowing where we were going to move even just two days before we moved...it was all almost too much for me. Like I said, I am still trying to process and unwrap it all. My heart and mind and body were literally overwhelmed at times, and I don't know that there will ever be a point to it all or answers that seem to make sense of what we went through this past month. It was exhausting. And then some.

I cried more, yelled more, hurt more people with my actiosns and words then I care to ever admit to anyone. My heart was broken and I was angry and I was confused and yes, truly overwhelmed with everything. At one point I had logged a mere 10 hours of sleep in four days. And the days we were living were long and all-consuming. Just trying to keep 6 kids fed, diapered and out of trouble in the midst of packing and not-knowing and then actually driving 14 hours and doing what had to be done was a nightmare that kept going from bad to worse. We emptied and cleaned {with the help of my amazing parents and some really down-to-earth friends!} the MN house- all 5000+ sq. feet of it, and then got in our caravan of moving trucks and drove 14 hours to our home back here in Michigan...with a flat tire along the way. We arrived with a trailer that wouldn't open, which held all our bedding and mattresses so we could just pull them out and crash at 2:15 in the morning- but that didn't even happen without much anxiety and effort. Then, a couple of hours later we learned that our hot water heater was broken and would need a part and not be fixed for at least 48 hours. Consider this. Ten people...having packed, cleaned, loaded, driven 14 hours, unpacked and now nobody can take a shower or feel refreshed. So we had to take turns showering at friends and neighbors homes. After all of that. But there's more. The refrigerator is broken too. So any of the food that we had managed to keep cold for the 14 hour trip now has nowhere to be kept cold. And the food that people so generously brought to us upon our arrival has no where to go. Except that the temperature outside has dropped and so we got to eat food out of coolers in our garage for 4+ days. In the middle of boxes and sleeplessness and so much stress and chaos that I cannot really put it into words, nor would you really want to grasp it that fully anyway.

That's how we began this "new chapter", which still feels like an old chapter to me, of our life here in Michigan. Chip ended up parting ways with his club in Minnesota, so we now are settling as best we can back into our home here, we're needing a job locally- if possible, and the kids are actually handling this whole situation quite well, because at least they are back with their friends, familiar teachers and neighbors as they adjust to this recent move. They seem to be happy even. So that is a silver-lining to this whole circumstance. We are happy that they are happy.

But to be honest, I am still hurting and feeling disillusioned about what we are doing here again. As we wait on a job to open up for Chip and sit here trusting God to provide for our needs, I honestly feel so worn out and convinced that I "did something wrong" or that my prayers about being said with the right motives or pure heart, so I am not sure what to think or expect next. I do know that even if we messed up, or we chose the wrong path in life, or simply found ourselves in the wrong place at the right time that God can honor where we are now. I am not trusting in me and my lack of understanding or my prayers that seem to fall on deaf ears- but instead I am finding myself more broken, humbled, surrendered and open to what God wants to do in and through us next. I know that even when I can't make sense out of life, that God is still 100% invested in us and He will see us through to whatever or wherever He has plans to use us. We can trust Him forever and always, simply because He is Lord of our lives.

And that thought is enough reminder to my heart to bring me peace- despite the things we have gone through and continue to go through.

Okay.

So back to those cupcakes!! I didn't forget about the cupakes!

I will blog more about them soon, but for now I will just say that we were blessed- even in the midst of all of our "drama" as I like to call it.

One of the big blessings is that for all the stress leading up to this whole move and re-settling, is that on this side of things life has gotten very 'mellow' for us the past two weeks. Moving back from where you just came from does have a few perks. The house itself was in more disrepair than we had expected in just a year's time. I never realized how run down an empty house can get that quickly! There was the broken water hearter and new fridge that we had to buy, showers and tubs and floors to scrub, and our yard will have to be re-seeded next spring. It is a disaster. But beyond the cosmetic stuff, it has been easy to transition the kids back to school; we know where to shop for groceries and how to get around locally. We basically know what to expect around here. With Chip home right now and not working, my life has been easier than it had been. We were so tired and worn out from our move, that we spent a few days settling in around here and Chip even painted our master bedroom and we cleaned and set up our spaces enough to be comfortable, but then we took a much-needed break. With almost all our family back in Minnesota we had a quiet, uneventful Thanksgiving here by ourselves. Chip took Brock, Bella and Crew out on a service project to deliver meals for several hours in the morning, and then the rest of the day it was just us and Chip making turkey and all the fixin's. We have slowly started to unpack our clothes into closets and I have gotten caught up on washing a lot of clothes, towels and bedding. We have a garage full of boxes to sort through, but we have had no urge to do that yet.

So I have been lucky to set up my cozy scrap space again and Chip has been great about letting me just sit in that space and make whatever I want to make. I have needed that time and space to just be. Those pictures of a scrap page and a mini book are peeks for the newest Cocoa Daisy kit being revealed later tonight. My scrap box from Cocoa Daisy was the first piece of mail we got at our house here in Michigan and I was so thrilled that I could settle in my scrap spot and create with it from the very start of being here. It was just what I had hoped for, and even more! The colors and the antler stamp just brought the happiness I was craving at that time. I feel lucky that in the midst of everything I was able to have time to play with paper and ink and have some fun- just for me. I feel very lucky to be on the Cocoa Daisy team and am looking forward to reconnecting with a bunch of my scrap friends here in Michigan again too. They are a fun bunch and maybe rekindling those friendships is one of the reasons God brought us back here. I'm not sure, but I am looking forward to finding out. =)

So that's the short version of the past month of our life. I know we have much more than we need or deserve and we are grateful for all that God has given to us. It has just been hard to say good-bye {even with tasty cupcakes!} to all we had come to love about the people and place God had given us in Minnesota. It's hard to know we will spend the holidays alone and so far from family and friends. We were so looking forward to being "home" this year! But God has His reasons, His timing and I know He has our best at heart. So the one thing I can do is keep trusting, being patient, and being totally open to what He is up to. I am sure that however this new chapter of our life plays itself out, it will be another interesting twist to the life path He continues to guide us on. I love that the path is beautiful enough to keep pointing us forward...and that it graced with cupcakes and pretty paper and stamps and happiness for our kids along the way too. In spite of it all, we are still living a lucky charmed life. I just have to look at it from the right point-of-view!