Letting your light shine.

I may have shared this story in years past here on Nitty.Gritty. But it's a good one, and this photo recently showed up in my FaceBook feed and so it just seemed fitting to share it and the story that came to my mind right away when I saw it. This picture is of Teagan and her friend, Jess, taken on a  day that they had a playdate at our house. Now, you can probably tell just by looking at this picture that these two little girls loved to play, be loud, laugh and enjoy just being little girls! We knew Jess from our local church. It was one of the places that we made some lifelong friends when we lived in Gaylord. Church was one of the places that practically "felt like home" for us- in part because of the great friendships we did for with so many people there, but also because we spent a lot of time there- besides the usual Sunday morning church services.
Jess and Teagan didn't just love to play and laugh and have fun when they had playdates at home. But they loved to be loud and have fun at church together too. Sometimes that felt appropriate- like during game time in the gym, or while singing and learning funny songs during Vacation Bible School. I loved and appreciated the good times these girls, and lots of other young friends of theirs shared in church.
But one Sunday morning stands out in my mind when I see this picture of Teagan and Jess. The new auditorium had recently been built and was the new worship sanctuary for Sunday mornings and other large events/gatherings. It seats about 1,100 people and let's just say that there was a lot of time and money invested in that big, new auditorium.
This particular Sunday morning the girls had connected at church during Sunday School, and they were still happily hanging out as the morning services ended and the parents gathered their children or just talked and fellowshipped together before it was time to part. The girls chose this Sunday morning to go running up and down the large aisles of the new worship center. But they didn't stop there. They ventured up on stage and were running and laughing and playing behind the big curtain and by the podium as well. When I realized that Teagan was a part of the noise and rambunctious behavior in the auditorium I gave Chip "the look" to go get her immediately and put a stop to her wild antics. I watched the girls run and laugh even more for a minute or two as they realized they were 'caught' and were being called to bring their fun and games to a halt.
Their response to Chip when he ushered them down from the stage was that "they were just playing and having fun!" Of course they were! But I could feel the 'eyes' of other church goers on them and on us as parents that made it feel anything but "fun".
On the ride home from church that day Teagan got a little lecture on "how to act in church". We reminded her that the sanctuary was "God's house" and that she should be careful of how loud and wild she was in that place from now on. She seemed to understand, and yet she was still grinning and told us how much she loved playing with Jess and her others friends at church too.
I could never have imagined on the ride home from church that day that it would only be a matter of months later that I would be standing in that very auditorium honoring and remembering Teagan's life at her memorial service. I remember that day so clearly as well. How my heart was so shattered and how my mind was still trying to come to grips with the reality that I would never see her laugh or run or dance and twirl on this earth ever again. I could hardly believe that we were sharing stories and pictures of her life in remembrance of her- because to me she was still so full of life and joy and I wasn't prepared to let any of that go!
And yet Chip and I stood hand-in-hand with our hearts broken and wounded and clueless as to how it all happened and more so, how God was going to mend the brokenness that we felt to the very core of our hearts. I pictured Teagan running and laughing in the very place that hundreds of flowers now served as a reminder that she was gone. Her smiling picture on the memorial alter made my heart ache more. I wanted to turn back time to the day she ran and laughed so loudly that I sent Chip rushing down the aisle to scoop her up and halt her fun. I wanted to turn back time and do it all over again.
Only this time I would have wanted to hug her and tell her how happy I was that she was simply being who God made her to be. I wanted to turn back the days and watch her twinkle and shine on that stage with her friend, Jess, as only two little girls can in the midst of their play. I wanted to look on their joy and grasp how it was one of the purest forms of worship in that space that day. Their actions may not have been perfectly in line with what other church-goers or Chip or I had in mind for them in that new auditorium. But in retrospect, and certainly in light of the reality we faced at Teagan's service, their actions were in perfect accord to how God wants us to come to Him with our hearts and lives. He wants us to come as little children. Not caring about what others think or even how we see ourselves. He wants us to come to Him in worship, recognizing who He is, and putting all of our self aside. True worship is singing, dancing, praying, sacrificing, embracing all of who GOD is, and truly being humble in spirit and simply being who God created us to be. There is nothing we can bring to His alter that He doesn't already 'own' or have access too...except our hearts. He wants our hearts to be poured out to Him as our love offering. We can come "too loud, too wild, too clueless" as to who He is, and yet He accepts us as we are simply because we come. He just wants our hearts. Plain and simple.
I am so glad to know that Teagan invited Jesus into her heart and life just the day before she died. She knew that Jesus died on the cross for her sin, and truly the most important thing that anyone can do, who understands who God is, is to give their heart to Him by asking forgiveness of their sin and inviting Him into their life. God does the rest. I miss the mark far too often when it comes to living the simple way that God wants us to live. He wants us to shine for Him, lean on Him, shout for Him, share our joys and sorrows and everything in between for Him, and just be who He created us to be. Nothing more. Nothing less. It seems so simple. And it is. Even a child can get it and live out their days letting their life shine for Him. I am so glad I had a front row seat to Teagan's life. Especially on the day she ran through the auditorium in response to just being who God made her to be.

Stargazing, Fall Crop and a life lesson on Monday.

I have been busy behind the scenes of Nitty.Gritty. Our fall slipped very quickly into the first white of winter this week when we awoke to a whole backyard/golf course covered in snow. The good news is that it has already melted again, and we also learned how cozy our fireplace heats and makes our house feel. My scrap loft is just up and over the stairway from the living room, so all the heat rises and I was happy to plunk myself down in there and make a pretty mess! =)
The next kit is just about to be revealed. It's called Stargazing and it is full of Cocoa Daisy exclusive designs and products. It is my favorite kit and combination of 'stuff' and has made me happy as I cut it up and crafted with it. I get to be the host on the message boards on Monday night when the kit goes live, so feel free to stop in and say hi while you get the first look at everything in this kit. It's a good one!
The following weekend- Nov. 1-3 is the fall online crop. I am teaching a class called, "Layers of Goodness:: 1 class, 3 ways" and it has been fun putting it all together, so I am excited to share it with whoever wants to log on next Friday night. I promise it is easy, fun and hopefully it will kickstart some ideas in your own head that you can turn into a cool project of your own. This is such a great time of year to settle down and make pretty things. If you're like me, you wish someone would jump in and make dinner and do your laundry so you can scrap some more! =)
My kids have had three days off of school this week due to parent-teacher conferences and fall break. They all received really great reports and assessments from their respective teachers. I am a proud mom to them as they have been through so many transitions and yet still are making the most of it and trying their best through all of it. I am thankful for teachers and staff that have helped them succeed too. Wyndham also started school and has gone to her new classroom for the past 10 days. She attends a local area learning center and we have been so proud of how she has settled into her new routine and she is very happy to be back it school it seems. There are about 10 students in her class with various challenges and issues. There are several other classrooms at her school too, where we have seen just how blessed Wyndham is to be functioning at the level that she is at. There was a bit of heartache and heartbreak for me when we first toured the school and I saw just how many kids there are with life challenges far greater than the ones we deal with every day.
I'll be honest, it was hard to see the severity of some of their special needs. This world throws out a lot of curveballs and when they hit innocent little kids it is hard to swallow. But in those same hallways and classrooms I saw people helping and caring and meeting needs that made me realize just how lucky these kids are too. There is something very special about those who serve and teach and love people with disabilities. I am sure the ones serving and caring would tell you story after story about how they feel blessed to do what they do too.
As Chip and I dropped Wyndham off on her first day we stayed and helped her get settled in and just observed her interactions for a bit. The first part of her class the teacher goes over the basics, such as calendar, weather and lunch orders. You know, the important stuff in life! =) Each student gets a chance to respond to what month and day it is and the teacher goes around the room letting them say or point to the answer on the smartboard on the screen up front. It was quite the lesson for me as I watched this unfold. First of all, it was a Monday in October. I don't know about you, but a Monday in October can be a pretty challenging thing just getting up and going. But these kids taught me something and I want to share it with all of you...and hopefully revisit this life lesson often, as needed.
It went like this: As the teacher announced to the class that today was Monday and the month was October, some of the kids started cheering and getting excited as they raised their hand to repeat the answer. One little guy especially could hardly contain his excitement. She called on him first. Willie answered, "Monday and October" and then he clapped loudly and repeated 'Monday' in sort of a chant/cheer format. He was all smiles and even though it was a cold Monday in October, his enthusiasm and sheer happiness over answering correctly was contagious. Little Willie has no idea that so many people hate Mondays. He has no idea that Monday is the dreaded day of the week for countless people going back to school and work or whatever it is that they do on Monday. He has no idea that some people wake up on Monday counting down the days til Friday.
And it hit me in such a vivid way that we ALL need a little more joy and contentment and excitement and enthusiasm in 'this moment'- even when, or should I say especially when it is Monday! Several of the other kids were all smiles and seemed very happy to announce that it was Monday that day too. Despite all the challenges they had going on in their bodies and minds, they had something going so 'right' too. Far better than many people who aren't labeled "special needs or challenged". Their attitude toward life and learning is something to be envied. I walked into that building feeling sorry for all the kids and heavy-hearted for the families who even need the extra assistance and care of the staff at that school. However, I walked out of that building softened and changed a tiny bit as I realized that maybe I am the one with the challenges and they are the teachers to the rest of us. Disability is only that when we allow it to hold us back. These kids and teachers are ready and even experts, I think, at taking on life just as it is handed to them and making the very best out of it. Even on Mondays. Now that is something to aspire too!
I think Wyndham is lucky to be in such a special place.

Good stuff and open roads for dreamin'.

 

Our family just marked another year gone by since the tragedy that claimed Teagan's life and altered us forever occurred. It has been 12 years now. I think one of the things that stood out most to me this year is just how much Teagan will always be a part of our life story~ no matter how much time goes on. The memories of that day are so vivid and clear to me, and I doubt they will ever fully fade. There was so much trauma and weeks of hospital and intense concern surrounding all of our injuries and recovery, that I am sure would take a lifetime to forget. I do know that it sometimes still feels like it all happened yesterday, and the ache of the reality that Teagan is truly gone doesn't ever diminish. The hole she left in our hearts and lives is still the same size as it was the day she was taken off of life support. We have done lots of living between then and now, but who she was and how she changed our lives for the better from the moment she was born will never change.
And for that, I am grateful, and I will always thank God for sending such a vibrant, sweet, beautiful girl into our lives.
I am glad that we didn't get stuck in that place of grief and sorrow that threatens to consume and overwhelm one's life in the days and weeks following death. There was so much pain and darkness in that pit of sorrow. I was so angry to be in it at times, knowing how amazing and pleasurable life had been before being thrown into this place unannounced. I was angry that life for our family was being defined by such an ugly event, and I was angry that our joy had been ripped from our hands without giving us a choice or chance to do anything about it. That was a hard place to be, for sure. All I wanted was out of there, and yet as our injuries and Wyndham's challenges became our new way of life, I realized we would never fully 'escape' the pain and grief.
Chip and I struggled with how to move forward through those early days. I spent many of them weeping and struggling to even catch my breath through my sobs, as my physical pain hurt and my broken heart hurt and life seemed only dark and daunting. I didn't believe we would ever be 'whole' again. I didn't believe there would ever come a day when we wouldn't feel sadness. I felt like all of life was tainted and the only thing I wanted back was a small taste of joy.
I didn't know how that could happen though, because our whole world was pain- from the  nightmares I woke up from in the night, to Brock's post traumatic stress syndrome, to Wyndham's injuries and meds and Chip's broken bones...it was all so painful. We didn't even come home from the hospital for 3 weeks. It felt like an eternity. It felt like our nightmare would never end.
In our sorrows and grief and heartache and pain, Chip and I knew we wanted something more. We wanted to be able to live again! We wanted days filled with laughter and fun and happiness. We were living in darkness and we wanted so much to believe that there was Joy for the taking somewhere in the world again. We made a vow to fight for that together. We cried together for what we had lost and for what our "new normal" looked like now. I knew I needed Chip to be by my side- but fully understood how marriages fall apart in those dark valleys of life. I am glad that as hard as some of the days and months and years have been, that after 12 years of hardship, we are still together. We have had ups. We have had lots of downs.
We have had miracles happen.
We have loved deeper and more easily.
We have looked for ways to make new happy memories.
We have fought for joy and laughter.
We have been blessed beyond measure.
We still miss Teagan everyday.
We still lean on God as our source of strength, comfort and Joy.
He is our Rock, our healer and the One who has held us together and carried us through it all.

Our family has grown in number and there have been days that have overflowed with joy and happiness in our life in the past 12 years. I never could have imagined ordinary days being able to be full of happiness again. But we have lived them, so I know they exist. The journey of grief is long and hard and I don't wish it on anybody. My heart goes out to everyone touched by loss of a loved one. Something as simple as going to Despicable Me 2 can be a simple pleasure. Having a healthy family and opportunities to watch my kids grow and learn and to make memories together as a family are the very things that make life so worthwhile. Seeing beauty in the smallest things shows just how merciful, gracious and loving God is. That He cares about all the details of our lives is amazing. It's humbling. That He would reach down and enter into our hurts and cry with us and guide us out of the valley of darkness and death into the fullness of life again is the miracle in our lives everyday.
I sometimes get lost in the place of pity and heartache much more easily than I ever did before our tragedy. I am so thankful that God doesn't allow me to sit and wallow forever.
I am so glad that He put in me- in Chip- the desire to want to live a life of joy again. Even in simple things like baking homemade chocolate chip cookies and dreaming of what lies ahead in life. I am glad that little things- like piles of laundry and noisy kids- are sometimes my biggest reminders of what I love and care most about- the special people in my life are my greatest blessings. The Hope of heaven keeps me going.
If someone had said I would have 6 kids, and be on a scrap team and blog and smile when I use a pink vacuum, and riding carts at Target would all be a part of my life at this time in 2001, I never would have believed it. But I am so glad that they way I imagined life playing out versus the reality of how it actually does look are so vastly different, that I hardly recognize the 'old life' anymore. I am holding on to the good memories as tight as I can. But I am ever grateful that my heart and hands were opened to embrace what God has placed back into our lives. It's pretty great, and I am so blessed to be able to say so!
In case you happen to like the scrap goodies you see in the pages I made here as much as I love them, you can get them for yourself starting tomorrow at Cocoa Daisy.com. It is a truly wonderful thing to me, to be able to use my hands and create something- just for the fun and joy of it. I never thought that would happen in my life ever again. And now I do it every single month! And lots of times in between too! God is a God of miracles. I take one look at my life as it is now and I know that it is true.

Coke Float Day. Then and Now.

It was an amazing day yesterday on many levels. Life has so many ups and downs and twists and turns. Sometimes several rollercoaster rides occur even before noon around our house! It is a tricky thing to find some sort of balance, but never more so than when it comes to grief and living with the loss of loved one, and holding onto those memories, but not letting them suck the joy out of the life you still live even though they're gone. We've been riding this coaster for years now and it is still a process of growing and learning for me. I think it always will be.
So yesterday was a special day for our family. It has been an extra special day since June 30, 2001. That was the day that Coke Float Day was set in motion. We just wouldn't know that until a year later when we made it official. Here is the story behind the original photo of Chip and Teagan. It was 11:00 at night and Teagan always stayed up late to have her Daddy time. She was a Daddy's girl through and through and a night owl too, which was a lucky thing for both of them because he worked late and long hours especially in the summertime. But she still had energy to dance and laugh and listen to Larry Lizard stories with Chip at bedtime. This night Chip came in, changed clothes and grabbed a cold can of Coke out of the refrigerator. Teagan was right on his heels. She wanted some pop too. "Please, Daddy?!" and those big blue eyes! How could a daddy who had spent his day with golfers coming in and out of the Pro Shop, say no to cute, big blues eyes like that...and a beckoning smile to go along with them? Well, the answer is that he couldn't. Not that night anyway. I was ready to crawl into bed, exhausted from home keeping and taking care of Teagan {4}, Brock {2} and Wyndham {just 6 months old} at that time. I wanted no part of Teagan drinking a sugary, caffeinated cola at that hour, I do remember that. However, not that many months earlier we had lived through the scare of our lifetime when Wyndham was just 3 weeks old and having trouble breathing and eating. I had found her turning blue and called 911- this after she had visited the ER 3 times already. Her subsequent trip by helicopter downstate to Hurley Hospital turned into a 5 day stay where the doctors had saved her life and we had been given a second chance at happiness with 3 small children again. Chip and I knew we had brushed death with Wyndham and that incident had given us a new perspective on life. Even when it was 11 o'clock and kids should be tucked into bed by that time of the night! In light of our heightened appreciation for the moments we had with our kids and how precious even the tired moments could be, we did something a little different that night.
Instead of me rolling my eyes and getting upset with Teagan for not wanting to settle in for the night or me grumbling at Chip that he should have waited to open his soda after she was in bed, I went to the cupboard and pulled out a couple of malt glasses. I pulled some vanilla ice cream from the freezer and the next thing you know happiness and delight filled the kitchen as Teagan realized she and Daddy were having a special date night and on the menu were Coke Floats! I remember her smiles and excitement so clearly. She had a way of lighting up a room and add a Coke Float and let's just say the happiness was palpable. Teagan and Daddy sat at her little table; I grabbed the camera. I had no idea that snapping a couple of photos of this simple moment in time was going to turn into anything bigger than the feeling we had of goodness and happiness at that shared moment in time. I knew I was happy that we were ending the day on a positive note. I was thankful for how we were living with intention about making the most of the time with our kids- which is why we were sipping Coke floats at such a late hour. I was glad to know that whatever I had done "wrong" that day as a mom was forgiven with such  ease as making a sweet bedtime treat. My heart was full that night knowing I had done something right and it was so well-received.
I couldn't have known that those few moments in the kitchen would turn into a memorial day for our family. I never dreamed that something as simple as a late-night Coke float would be one of the tickets our family has needed and used year after year, on which to build new happy memories and pull ourselves from the pit of sorrow that consumed us when Teagan died so suddenly exactly one month to that day later. I have written about how I was glad I didn't know what our future held for Teagan and our family back then. It most certainly would have brought dread into moments like these that we did have with Teagan in her final days on earth. We didn't know then, but we know now.
We know now that life is even more precious than we realized it was back then. We have learned that life is a gift every single day. We have learned that life with a Teagan-sized hole in our hearts can never be filled, but it can be recalled and celebrated and still enjoyed.
Anyone who has lost a loved one can tell you just how hard the first year is- every big and little thing that you miss about your loved one is magnified and the loss is felt in new ways over and over and over again until you feel you will run out of tears from all the sorrowing. The ache grows bigger and the hole feels larger as the reality takes hold and grips your heart and mind. Teagan was never coming back. She would never hug us or laugh or sing and play with us again. She would never stay up late and sleep in til noon. She was simply going to be missed. Every single day of the life we had left without her. That reality filled my heart and life with dread so many times. I have written about how I grieved her so much as I just tried to wash and fold a load of whites and her days of the week underwear were no longer in the pile to be folded. I spent hours looking through photo albums of the life we had shared with her and luckily captured on film too. The date stamped on the corner of those pictures sometimes just made my heart ache more. It was so stark in front of me that her life and come and gone and things we had loved and laughed and enjoyed with Teagan became a list of things in my heart I never wanted to do again because they would only make me miss her more and hate the reality of the life we were handed when she died.
As I flipped through the photo album and came upon pictures like Coke floats with her my heart ached. But I also had learned that hard lesson before she was gone that these kind of moments were so precious and the very things we wanted to enjoy in life! I knew in my heart that as much as my grief wanted to drown me and steal all the joy life held that I couldn't let that happen. And not because of me, but because I was still wanting to give Brock and Wyndham the life I had wanted to share with them and Teagan before she was gone. I knew that striking all the fun, happy things out of our life because they caused pain wasn't going to bring me more happiness, but instead they would bring more sorrow. More hurt.
That is how Coke Float Day was born. It didn't come from a family looking to be an inspiration to anyone. It didn't come from Chip and Jody thinking we could turn something so hurtful in our lives into a day of laughter, fun and special memories. It was born out of a sorrowing that hurt so deeply that we didn't want the pain to cut any further, so we looked for ways to make it stop. Even for moments at a time.
This year Coke Float Day was our most amazing one yet. With the ease of social media, like Face Book, it was simple for us to spread the word of our family's tradition of this day with others. Chip's golf club sent out a notice to all their pool and golf members that they could come to the club and enjoy a Coke Float in honor of Teagan's memory. I sent out an invitation to everyone of my friends on FB and gave a head's up about remembering to add soda pop and vanilla ice cream to their grocery lists. Our family spent most of the day at the club pool. We ate cheeseburgers and fries and drank our floats out of plastic cups. They were creamy and delicious. The sun was shining. The sky was blue. We were all healthy and happy. Watching other people walk up to the food service window and walk away with a Coke Float and a big smile on their face made my heart swell. Not in a prideful way at all. But in the bittersweet, humble way recognizing how God heals wounds in time and so painstakingly hard at times, but seeing the depth of our sorrow now putting joy and happiness on the faces and in the hearts of others brought me to tears. This time the tears on Coke Float Day flowed not out of pity or hurt our heartache, but out of the joy that I was glimpsing the way that God does make all things new. He has turned our sorrow to joy in even small ways. I sometimes don't see the joy or feel it long or hard enough. But I glimpsed it and tasted it yesterday. It was in the skip of a little red-haired girl in a yellow polka-dot swim suit. It was in the frothy mustache dripping down my own Teague's chin as he sipped his float. It was in the photos and notes and kind words shared by hundreds of our friends on Face Book yesterday. Each time we were tagged in some way I knew it was God letting us know that although this journey has, and continues to be long and hard, we are not alone. He is there. Friends are there. Strangers are there. Love is there. Teagan's memory lives on. Her life still brings joy to the lives and hearts of people around the world. Then and Now. My heart is blessed to know that although her days were short, her love and joy were so big that they still reach others. That is a gift that only comes from God. Teagan was and always will be our extra special gift!

Sometimes you gotta wear your flair.

I am caught up on laundry for a quick moment. For real!
My house is fairly tidy too, as we had a guy come and take measurements for some caret that we are getting replaced. Funny how I can clean the house for some random guy that comes over for a mantter of minutes. ButI can totally let it go and live in it with clutter here and there for days- with the people I love most in this world. Something seems amiss about that. And I was convicted of that thought even as I put things away earlier today. So I am going to make that my personal challenge when it comes to cleaning. Instead of letting things go I will hopefully tell myself, "No...do it! Do it for the people you love, right now!"
And maybe, just maybe they will want to do a bit f tidying to show their love for me right back. This could be a win-win!
Speaking of win... Chris Cross who likes aqua, gey and yellow, email me your address and I will send you a little book and scraps. Yay for happy mail! {nitty.grittyjody at yahoo.com}
I have to share one more story that goes with the photos here today. All this talk of flair reminded me of when I used towork at TGIFriday's many years ago. We were required to wear at least "10 pieces of flair" and I never could part with my uniform and all that flair. So when I mentioned my boring Friday nights {because Chip works late and I am stuck home with 6 kids every Friday} on a Facebook update, I joked that I could make the night fun by wearing my old uniform. Well, one thing led to another- as it sometimes does on FB- and I found myself cooking noodles while sporting my stripes and flair. The kids got such a kick out of seeing me in my old outfit. A couple of them were surprised that I had ever actually "worked" before- "you had a real job once, Mom?!". It was like I was a Disney character and they even wanted their picture with me. hee hee
Yes, it was fun and humbling all in one. But it made our boring night a bit moe exciting and reminded me of my own advice that I don't take often enough which is "Sometimes you have to create your own Joy". We played some games, had popcorn and watched Ice Age and turned our hum-drum Friday into one that made a memory. Hopefully I can follow this act coming up this Friday. Or maybe I will just have to wear my stripes and flair each week! Although I wonder when the fun would wear off.  =) I was just happy that my skirt still fit! And now I have an excuse for why I save the crazy things I do. They are joy-makers. That's why!

Note to self:

Sometimes more than any other person out there, I need my own heart to hear the message I share with the world. Earlier today I left a comment on a friend's blogpost. As soon as it posted and the words I had just written stared back at me from the computer screen, I just knew that I was the one that needed to see and believe in what I had just shared.
Maybe your heart needs to hear this same whisper of truth too.

That's a wrap!

Good-bye to twenty-twelve. It has been a wild year for me and my family in so many ways. A year of things we never imagined, planned or expected all sprinkled with some amazing new {lifelong!} friendships, memories to cherish forever, and lessons lived and learned that could only have been learned through the events and people that wrapped themselves up in the form of 2012. It was the year we moved twice. Across several state lines. With 6 kids- including 3 in diapers at one point, and with stress levels that would make everyone's blood pressure spike.
But there were gourmet cupcakes. And bunches of fresh bananas and chocolate milk in the midst of the stress too. There was laughter and hugs and prayers and good wishes. There was a little groundhog outside our window that was busy and playful and provided entertainment as we ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at a table that my parents got us that 8 people can actually sit at all at one time. There were new songs to be sung, names and faces to learn, new library cards and books that led us on new adventures all their own.
From the pigeon longing to drive a bus to my kids standing at their own bus stop and climbing aboard to new schools and friends that would force them to grow and change and step outside their former comfort zones too. There was much to see, do and embrace~ and even re-doing things too. Like taking driver's test for our licenses. And reconnecting with 'old' friends. It was a year of ups and downs and twists and turns and never quite knowing what was going to be around the next turn.
But isn't that what life is made up of? If there is one thing I have learned in my 40 years of living, it is that no matter how much we plan and prepare and think we know what life is going to bring, it very likely will go its own way and look nothing like the picture you imagined it to look.
I scrapped a mini book about welcoming the new year, two-thousand and thirteen, with the fantastic kit from Cocoa Daisy for January. You can order a kit or sign up to subscribe and get it every month here, if you like. Jumping back into scrapbooking has been one of the highlights of my year and I am excited to be on the team this year too. Creating has been the one thing that has helped me process some of the crazier parts of this past year and also it is my launching place for the hopes and dreams I hold for this new year too. It does take up some of my time and energy and sometimes I wonder if it is the best use of them, but even Chip has noticed that scrapping fuels my inner joy and helps bring out the best in me, so he approves and is very supportive of my hobby and creative time. I am lucky that he allows me to let things slide around the house in order for me to fill my heart and express myself through paper and stickers and ink. I just loved the process of making this little book of quotes and words that I want to set the tone for me as 2013 rings in later on tonight. I am using the word "soar" as my focus word and hoping that I can find new ways to be invigorated and stay positive as we wait for a job for Chip and continue to resettle back here in our Michigan home. It has been a hard transition for me, much more than the kids. Leaving such close friends and all the newness of what life held has been hard. I feel like it was a big 'trick' to get such enough taste of what life can and does hold, but then got taken away from us all too quickly. It has felt like a huge step backward in life to return to the place we had said our goodbyes too and have to try to start again, only this time the house and yard were in rougher shape, my spirits were low, my optimism dashed, and a big piece of my heart was left in Minnesota.
Making a little book and surrendering to the many things I have told myself and learned over and over- things like create your own Joy and trust in the One who sees the big picture- is the place where I find solace and rest. It is the place where my spirit is still and I find that in the quietness and surrender is a fountain of hope. This past year has been so many different things to me and my family. This new year will likely be filled with suprises, blessings, more challenges and ultimately more opportunities to rise to the occasion, dig deeper and shine brighter when it's all said and done.
I am thankful for all of you who hope for good things to come, and who cheer me and my family on through the rough waters too. You are a blessing to us and I am still working on mailing some of you cards too. So from my heart to yours, thank you and best wishes as you wrap up 2012 and watch 2013 take flight. I hope it is a year of adventure and growth and seeing things from places you never dreamed you would find yourself~ be willing to be amazed at the view. No matter your vantage point. We're seeking to make two-thousand thirteen our year where the good outweighs the bad. That is always a good approach to anything...especially a new year!

She's brought us more joy {and cupcakes too!}

My Bella. We call her Bella, but she was born, Isabella...10 years ago today. Oh how the years go by so quickly it seems! The days can feel long at times, but the years are swift and leave it to another birthday to remind me of that. So my sweet Bella is having a birthday today. She is out with Chip and all the kids for lunch- except for Teague, who is napping and which is why I am enjoying a quiet moment to blog. And to reflect.
I wrote an update on FaceBook today about how she was born early in the morning and under scary circumstances. For whatever reason, and we'll never know for sure, her heart rate stopped when I was at the hospital, in labor (at 8cm) and suddenly everything in the room went for normal, calm breathing to high alert/panic mode. I'll never forget the look on Chip's face. I'll never forget the stern, firm words from my doctor as they suddenly prepared to deliver her. The doctor told me, "Normally I wouldn't ask you to do this, but you have to just do what I say...you're going to push and have this baby in the next contraction. There's no other way." That was the moment Chip panicked and as the room sort of swirled and buzzed around me I remember that I pushed with all my might and much to all of our surprise and I am sure a helping nudge from above, Bella was born.
She was tiny. Not my tiniest, but at 5lbs. 10. oz. and 18 inches long, she was small. And after a moment or two of oxygen and rubbing from the nurses, she was healthy and doing just fine. That all happened on July 25, 2002. Four days shy of the first annivesary of our incident in which Teagan was taken from us so suddenly. It was almost surreal to me at that time, and it still i now when I pause to think about it all, that in the time span of one year we lost one daughter, had a brush with death with another and yet held her in our arms amazed at the new life God had given to Chip and me again. I remember feeling so overwhelmed. Not as I had been with becoming a mom all over again with my other kids, but with the knowledge that all my kids were gifts from God no matter how long they would be in my arms here on earth. I was overwhelmed with the way God was showing Himself to be real in our lives- in spite of our tragedy and broken hearts. He knew before Chip and I did, that the very thing we needed in life was someone so small and perfect to be a stunning visual, baby soft reminder of God's mercy, tenderness, might and sovereignty in our lives.
Isabella was all of that, and so much more. I have loved her and wept over her with tears of joy and the belief in my heart once again that I could absolutely trust in God's ways and in His timing. She was a gift to our lives and hearts when we would have closed ourselves off to goodness in this world simply because we were hurt so deeply. But God reached down into the depths of our hurt and sent Bella to us at such a perfect time. We couldn't have planned it any more perfectly than it happened.
She is 10 years old today. In those ten years we have watched her grow and change and continue to become more of the person God made her to be. She is sensitive. And feisty too. She loves Pokemon and computers and she is amazing at art and writing and she is quick-witted too. She would stay up reading late into the night every night if I let her. She would still probably be the first or second one awake. =) She is Crew's best buddy these days, but also connects with Ava as one would expect sisters so close inage to do. If I told her she could never go outside again, she would probably clap her hands and shout, 'hooray!'. She sys, "I am more of an inside kind of girl." I love that she knows what she likes and what she doesn't. But she sometimes surprises me at what she will venture to try too.
One night a little while back as I was tucking her into bed for the night she had sort of a downcast look about her. I sat on the edge of her bed and asked, "Bella, is everything okay? You look kind of sad". Her response blew me away...and yet totally affirmed what I already know to be true about her. She said, "Mom, I feel sad inside...do you know why?" I asked, "No...why?" She replied, "I can't stop thinking about some kids in the world. There are kids in the world who don't have a mom or dad or someone else to love them. I feel sad when I think about kids who don't get a hug or kiss goodnight." And then she told me this, "When I grow up I want to travel around the world meeting kids who don't get love and giving them hugs and kisses."
Wow.
If every heart were as sensitive and empathetic as hers, this world would be so full of extra hugs and kisses that I think we would overflow with love. I actually hope that she does grow up and find herself able to tend to people who need love and give some of hers away. She is good at showing her love and to know that her love could change the life of another person is an amazing thing to me. Her love already changed me. So I have no doubt that God is working in her and will do what He wants to do through her.
I was flipping through my scrap albums with Teague yesterday afternoon. He was surprisingly gentle and really interested in the pages in my books. I was surprised by that! One of the first pages we turned to was the one I posted here about Bella. She was 5 at the time. I love that I captured that conversation and moment in her life. I love that not much has changed. =)

I'm an official Daisy now!

So my "secret" is out this week. I was invited to be on the design team for Cocoa Daisy! Cocoa Daisy is a fun scrapbook kit club and website full of great people and inspiration too! I have been so, so happy to finally be scrapping and playing around with funky patterned paper and lots of ribbons and stamps and so many other cute doo-dads too. Whether or not you are a scrapper, you are invited and more than welcome to come over and visit the site. There is a message board and I plan to be there with my thoughts and random chit-chat often. =) Stop by and say hello and get in on the fun, if you like. You just might find you are more crafty than you think. Or you might just have fun seeing what all this obsession is about. It has definitely lit a 'fire' in me again and I am thrilled to feel that happy feeling inside.
It feels like "the clouds have started to lift" around me. And even though nothing has changed- meaning we still have two rents to pay, I still have endless diapers and laundry to attend to each day, I still want to unpack boxes and settle into a house that feels like a home- but despite all that I am feeling such a peace and happiness again. Sometimes I wonder if we go "through the clouds" and have dark times in our lives in order to appreciate and relish in the lifting of the clouds that much more. Sometimes I wonder if we do through the darkness and come out of it on the otherside- notso much for our own sake- but to testify to others in the "dark" that the light is coming. To be able to say "hang on" to someone who is hurting and questioning and wondering and feeling overwhelmed...to tell them that the day is coming when they will see light burst on the scene again, well, I can't help but wonder if that is in part why we go through the muck and mire. If so, I am even more adamant about declaring to the world that there IS hope and light and days worth hanging on for.
I am holding on to this and documenting it for me as much as for anyone else out there. Because I know that life ebbs and flows. One day I will need the reminder again, that the bright days exist. That happiness is worth chasing. That Light is always on the horizon and is always worth the trek through the dark. I am just so happy to be embracing the light and the good right now. A happy heart is something to be celebrated. And I am overjoyed to be in this place right now.
So, the big question is 'how did I get here'? Right. I know. I wonder that myself. I wonder if it was me or timing or just the world spinning to the right place or what it is exactly. This is what I do know. Life is a journey and as I said there are ups and downs. Sometimes we just have to ride it out. I believe that. Sometimes we have to stretch out our hand and let someone pull us or lad us along. I look to God, my husband, my family and some special friends in my life for that many times. I am thankful they are always there. This time, the joy seems to have burst on the scene because I finally allowed myself to open up and receive it. What does that mean?!
Well, I have been missing this creative outlet in my life for nearly two years now. Between Wyndham's double-foot surgery and a new baby at that time and 4 other kids to mother and care for, well, it just got side-lined in my life. And once I was so overwhelmed and unable to make time or space for this part of me, I started making excuses too. Now, let me tell you about excuses. We ALL make them. Sometimes they are even valid! But, and here's the thing...sometimes we allow our excuses to drag us down, hold us back, or steal our joy. Did you hear that? Yes, I believe we let our excuses steal us of the very thing we are trying to go after or seeking in life. No matter what it is. From scrapbooking and being crafty, to having or wanting a baby. Or finding a mate. Or finding financial freedom. Or getting in better shape- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I think we sometimes start believing our excuses and soon- even the valid points- these 'lies' start shaping what is happeing in us and to us.
Now, I don't want to sound all zen or preachy or whatever. But I do want to take responsibility for a lot of the unhappiness I have felt over the course of two years. What starts out as a little downward spiral and "cute pity party" can totally spin out of control. I desperately wanted to 'find happiness' and feel it again in my life. But at the same time I was looking at other people and comparing my life to theirs or wishing for time and space and energy to do things I wasn't doing. And in so doing my time and energy was going to my own demise! It's crazy how that works. And I'll tell you, it's hard to get off that train that is headed in the wrong direction.
For me, my "ticket" off that negative, hard train was the realization that I wanted off and that I had to just start taking steps to get off. Sounds easy, but when your mind is telling you that life is stacked against you....or each month that pregnancy test comes back negative...or your credit card debt keeps mounting...or those blind dates go awry every single week, well, it gets hard to even WANT to try again. I get that! It gets more and more challenging to see the light as the darkness closes in. That is where I found myself. Feeling overwhelmed and then starting to care even less. It's a dangerous place to be! And I truly believe that sometimes we have to hit our own rock bottom in order to find a starting point back "up". So I wanted off that train and out of the dark.
I finally had had enough. I was getting tired of seeing everyone else having all the crafty fun I was missing and craving. I was getting more and more sad at myself for not doing something about it. SO that was the first step. Recognizing that I was the only thing holding me back! I was the one stepping in the way of happiness. I was in the dark...but I could step away from it whenever I wanted to. What would that take?! Well, in this situation- which I realize is minor compared to lots of life "stuff". I don't want anyone to think I am comparing the lack of joy and happiness I was missin from being crafty to their personal struggle with infertility or anything of that magnitude. But happiness IS a big deal and when you miss it for almost 2 years that darkness just hovers and starts to smother and affect so many other parts of your life. So this wasn't just about scrapping anymore. But the way my kids were responding to me as a mom and person of influence in their life. It was affecting a lot of me and my world. I knew I had to find a way out. And as crazy as it sounds, I took a tiny step forward. I walked into a scrap store and purchased some new things to play around with. Not because I needed them. Because goodness knows I have boxes of product unpacked at my house right now! But that was overwhelming to me! So to spend $35 on new stuff and start to feel that thrill of happiness at the thought of making cards and other things, well, that was the step of action that I needed to start the spark in me again. I had prayed too.
I prayed a lot the past 2 years for God to show me happiness and joy in life again. I think He was waiting for me to do the searching and take the step. Once I had the "new stuff" and that spark started, I STILL had lots of excuses. "Crew and Teague will get into it all", I told myself. "They're going to wreck my new things." I tried scrapping a tiny bit here and there. Even with my reservations. And then I played the Dr. Phil game- the "what if game". The one where you lay your excuses out there and imagine what is the worst that could happen. So, what if Teague and Crew wrecked my stuff? Well, I could buy more, right? Or I could get over it and just let them play around with my paper scraps andhave fun too. I could use their interest and love of my new stuff for us to be together and have fun too!
When I started to see that evn my worst case scenario could turn into happiness I began to find a new freedom! And in the midst of my finding a tiny bit of happiness and fun in crafting again, someone took notice. Suddenly my happiness started to direct my steps! Christine at Cocoa Daisy saw a couple of things on my FB posts and she contacted me to be on the design team of her kit club. To say I was blown away and surprised is an understatement. Here I went from longing and wishing to be 'back in the game" to being asked to be on the front lines! It seems to good to be true.
But that is why I am sharing it here on my blog- the way it is. Because I think sometimes we all need to see someone else ride it out, get a break or see the clouds break open before we can believe in our own circumstance enough to want to have the light burst through our own clouds. If I can be the tiny spark for someone to believe in something that their heart is longing for...well then, it is abslutely worth all the darkness I have been in just so I can shine the light a bit brighter in the life of another. I am humbled that I am experiencing such happiness and joy in life right now. I do not take that lightly. I know I can thank God for helping guide and direct my steps and even open doors to such goodness in my life again. I am humbled, yet thrilled, to be able to pass a tiny bit of it on to all of you too.
If you are in a place where you need to believe there is a way out, or a future that holds beauty and happiness for you, let me encourage you today. Hold on. Keep fighting. Silence your excuses and expect God for a miracle in your life too. That is my hope and prayer for you!

He adds joy to my life...

Happy, happy birthday to my husband, Chip today.
I was lucky enough to go the circus with my family and parents yesterday afternoon, and double-lucky to have my parents watch my kids while Chip and I took in a show downtown Minneapolis. We got last-minute free tickets from some friends and enjoyed an unexpected, fun night out celebrating Chip's birthday together.
I won't go into details about how crazy my day went as I loaded my kids and took them across the Twin Cities for the day, but I will tell you it ended much nicer than it began. For that I am thankful and it just seems so fitting for how things go for us more often than not. I was reminded several times throughout the weekend of how much I need the supportive people in my life and how thankful I am that they stick with me and cheer me on at 'crunch time'.
Chip is the biggest cheerleader in my life and I don't give him a whole lot of credit on my here. So on his birthday today- even though it's April Fool's and a lot of people would like to use the day to pull a prank, I am using this space and time to tell you a few things about this great guy that I am happy to call my husband and friend.
When Chip and I met I was finishing my senior year of college and focusing on all the freedom I was about to have as soon as classes were wrapped up. I didn't have strong leads on where or what I was going to do, but I was in a very content place in my heart and looking forward to seeing what jobs God might bring my way. I had no plans for a guy to walk into my life and was happy being single and independent. But this Chip guy that I worked with just happened to ask me out to a movie and dinner at the Mall of America one night; I just happened to say "yes". I figured it would be a good time to just go out and have a fun together and see a movie. I had no plans or intentions for anything beyond just a fun time out with a guy from work.
Obviously the story wasn't that short and sweet. I didn't expect Chip to be so funny or a great conversationalist. Our work together at a restaurant didn't really allow for us to talk much beyond "shop talk", so I didn't know much about him or what he was like as a person. I knew he had a great work ethic...and a charming personality, because he was always making better tips than me! After just one dinner at Planet Hollywood and seeing the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire", I started looking at him differently. And by differently, I mean I was interested in him. He was suddenly more than "just a guy I work with". He fast became "a guy who makes me laugh, makes me think, makes me like myself more when I'm around him, and makes me want to know more about him" kind of guy.
After just 5 months of dating, when Chip asked me to marry him I was so sure of my "yes". He is the kind of guy that I knew I could be lifelong friends with and I just knew in my heart that there was something dynamic about him that I wanted to be a part of for the rest of my life. Ask any of his friends and I just know they would tell you that it's true. He's got a knack for being likable and charming and he knows how to make people feel good and want to do good. I love that about him.
I could type a list of things he does to push my buttons and a list of things I do to push his. I'm not saying we're perfect and without issues. But more than that and honestly, more important than that is the fact that I know he loves me for my good qualities and he accepts my faults too. He is there to help me change some things and I am thankful we have learned to love in spite of the stuff that comes up in our lives that's not always so fun and exciting. His best qualities are his heart, his pursuit of what is right- his integrity, and his ability to keep pushing through the tough stuff because he truly believes that something better awaits.
He has added joy to my life in more ways than I can count. He has strong arms that hold me up, keep us together at times, and his hugs make me feel like everything is okay in my world- no matter what. He has a way of making me laugh when I sometimes think it's impossible to do so. He has a way of lighting up a room and you can't help but want to be around him. It's true. My kids still race to the door and fight for his attention when he comes home from his work at the course. He is a giver and today of all days I just wanted to let him {and you} know that he's one-of-a-kind. I am thankful that our lives have had years of growing together and intertwining of stories through the years. I hope we get many more too! Happy birthday, dear Chip. I love you.

It is well with my soul.

Today marks what would be Teagan's 15th birthday if she were still here with us. It's a strange and wonderful thing to have this type of day in my life. One that, even now celebrating 11 birthdays without her, doesn't really come any easier and can't fully be put into words what my heart feels.
I do feel so honored and privileged and humbled and grateful and blessed that God chose me to be her mom- knowing full well that the number of her days would be less than 4 and a half years. Knowing full well that I had hardened my heart toward having any kids at all- yet He chose to send Teagan into my life and change me forever. She was my gift. My gift of being released from a life that was becoming more and more selfish and looking for fulfillment in things of this world- rather than finding it in the one true source in God. She was my gift of coming to understand that joy was in not in obtaining things, but in giving and receiving love. Teagan made me want to be better in all areas of my life. She made me slow down, reprioritize, simplify, notice the details, celebrate the ordinary, rejoice in the little things and she taught me that you can dance even when there's no music playing at all.
She loved life. It sounds cliche, I know, but in her short number of years she soaked so much in, gave so much to others and really lived her life to the fullest. She filled my heart and life in a way I never dreamed a child could do. Even as demanding as she was and the fact that she had more energy than I could keep up with sometimes, I know she was placed in my life to help refine parts of me that needed refining and to open my eyes to ways of seeing that I would have been closed to had it not been for her.
I spent my entire pregnancy with Teagan dreading the changes this baby would require of me once she arrived. Chip and I didn't know if we were having a baby boy or a baby girl. When we had the chance to find out I was still so upset to even be pregnant that I didn't care to find out. That's how hard my heart was toward having a baby.{I, of course, regret the way I felt back then. Especially so when she was literally in my life one moment, and gone the next.} But in His higher ways, and because God knows what is better for us than we know ourselves- out of His incredible mercy to not let me waste my life on things with little or no eternal meaning, God reached out to me and literally placed Teagan in my lap on the morning of March 18th, 1997.
"It's a girl!" my doctor said with a beaming grin on his face. It was as though she was the first baby girl he had helped bring into this world. Or maybe it just seemed that way to me because she was my baby girl. My first, my perfect, my tiny, the most beautiful creature I had ever seen...and she was mine. A big tear rolled down my cheek and my eyes blurred as I tried to grasp the reality that this tiny, perfect baby girl was mine. Forever. The love I felt as she was handed to me all swaddled and wet was something I can still feel, as clear as the moment it washed over me.
On this day, year after year after year, no matter that she's gone, I still feel it in my heart. It's like a piece of pure joy. Only now, my arms don't hug her. Her laughter doesn't ring in my ears. Her smile doesn't light up a room. Her tiny pinky doesn't wrap around mine the way we used to promise to love each other forever. Her birthday comes...and goes without her. But not without a certain peace that I know God continues to pour out into my heart even though she's gone. I miss her. I wish she were here. I cannot begin to comprehend the splendor that surrounds her in Heaven everyday. I ache from knowing I will never hug or see her on earth again. Yet I am filled with a deep comfort and peace for I know that our hearts are in the very same place.
That is a gift of grace that I thank God for whenever the sadness threatens to consume me. I rejoice knowing that I will see her again one day because God's promises are true. I wish her story- my story- our story had a different ending for her than the mere 4 birthdays we had with her. But I can tell you in all honesty and sincerity that I truly believe and accept the short time I had with her was a gift to change me. In more ways than I think I can ever fully know. Today I mark another birthday without Teagan. Sure there is sorrow; sure there is an emptiness that I can't express, but more importantly I have come to see how she was, is still, and always will be mine. It is well with my soul. And oh what peace floods my soul as I think back on who she was, who God is and what awaits us all in Heaven. Someday!
Happy Birthday in Heaven, to a special little girl. I can't imagine her at 15, and I am just as happy to think of her as 4. Forever.

Sometimes it's best to look at the bigger picture.

I recently started a Biblestudy at my church with a group of women and the first two week's topics have been joy and peace respectively. I wonder if it is more than coincidence that these two topics were first up- which just happen to be two of the things I have been praying for more of in my life. I don't know why it is, but even after all the years I have spent getting to know God better and having a personal relationship with Him through His son, Jesus, I still find myself surprised and amazed when He seems to listen to and/or respond to my prayers.

It has been good for my heart and soul to have this time with other women who have hearts longing to know God more and live according to what He has called each of us to; it has been good for my heart and soul to dig deeper into the Scripture and "see and hear" stuff that is always there, but doesn't always jump out at me during my morning quiet times. It has also been good for me to be reminded of the many ways God has, does and WILL work in my life and in the world around us.

I happened to add a few photos to my FaceBook account this week and at one point I clicked on an album titled, "Snapshots of 2011". I was surprised and the number of photos I had taken and uploaded through the year. It was fun to see the different highlights that I had added and as I looked at the screen with all the smiles and happy memories it was like a little wave washed over me. It was the kind of wave where I almost couldn't believe I was looking at "my life". The pictures above are some of the photos I was looking at. I smiled to myself and thought, "ow lucky am I that these are the pictures and memories and people in my life?!"

Far too many times and through the stress of daily living, I find that I just get dragged down. What these little thumbnails reminded me of is just how much I have to be grateful for. I DO have reason to be filled with joy each day! I DO change diapers non-stop and wash lots of dirty clothes and more bedding than I care to admit that I do each week. I do have dreams and wishes for my husband and kids that go unfulfilled each day- and many of my own that take a backseat to life right now. But more than anything the Biblestudy and seeing these pictures and sensing that God has me right where He wants me to be right now has been a wonderful, calm reassurance in my life this past week.

I don't know what the Snapshots of 2012 will include, but I do know that even through the daily trials and stuff that seems monotonous and routine around here, there is sure to be some truly happy times; some memories that I will treasure for a long time. I am so glad that I was hit with the reality of how blessed I am and maybe the reminder or idea for me to stop and take a look at the "bigger picture",which is actually a compilation of lots of little pictures, every so often will help keep a tiny bit of joy bubbling inside me. Hopefully it will allow me to be thankful and peace-filled too, as I see all God has done in my life. He truly is a good God. Between the digging in, the prayers I've said, the sharing and doing life with others and the snapshots you see of my family and that is more than enough proof to me that God is working all things for good in my life. I've done nothing to deserve His goodness, except accept I'm a sinner and believe in His Son, Jesus. And He just keeps making something beautiful of my life. Sometimes it's up to me to simply step back and take a look at the bigger picture. One day I look forward to seeing it all from Heaven's vantage point too!

Coke Floats & Pinky Promises.

Today our family is keeping in tradition for the 10th year and having Coke floats together to honor Teagan's memory and make a new one at the same time. It's our annual "Coke Float Day"! We never dreamed ten years ago that having a late night spontaneous Coke float with Teagan would become such a cherished memory. But as circumstances would have it, just one month later as I stood at her hospital bedside and wrapped her tiny pinky around mine and promised to love her forever, I said the most difficult goodbye in my life. I still can't fully wrap my mind around how life took such a dramatic and twisting turn in just a blink of an eye.

Sometime after Teagan died, and likely one of the days where all the strength I could muster went to feeding Wyndham bottles with medicine in it and the rest of my time was spent with tears streaming my face, I flipped through photos and recounted happy times we'd spent with Teagan. It was the one thing that I did to keep my mind off the hoorror of what we'd been through- I had to concentrate on how lucky we had been to have such a great little girl in our life and we had been blessed with lots of wonderful "ordinary" moments with her in 4 short years.

When June 30th rolled around that first year after losing Teagan, we made a special point of recreating the moment of Chip and Teagan's late night Coke Float with Brock. We wanted his life to have some happy times too- even as difficult as life had become for us. In doing so we found that not only did we get the chance to remember a wonderful time with Teagan, but it was a chance to turn our heartache into a new happy memory at the same time. And goodness knows our hearts needed opportunities for joy in life again!

We had lived and learned how quickly life changes unexpectedly and also just how quickly our days go by- no matter what is going on in them. Big stuff, little stuff; everyday, routine stuff, or extraordinary, amazing stuff!

You can click to enlarge the photos here to read the journaling on a scrap page I made when I first started scrapping back in 2006. I remembered this night with Teagan and Chip so clearly. If tragedy hadn't struck it would have just been one more picture among so many others I snapped through the years. But in light of what happened, it became a treasure and a gift that now lives on each year as Coke Float Day.

Our family will be "celebrating" this ordinary, special day out at Chip's golf club with some frothy mugs of root beer or coke and ice cream. But we invite you to join us by having your own round of Coke floats or whatever it is in your life that would be meaningful and memorable and fun. Don't wait for a "reason" to enjoy today. Don't wait for a crisis to be reminded that today is a gift- just as it is every single day! Pop some popcorn and enjoy a movie together, or go for a walk and feed some ducks at a nearby pond or bring a fresh bunch of flowers to a neighbor who needs a pick-me-up or even call a loved one that you haven't spoken to in a long while and say, "I've missed you and love you!" simply because you have the chance to do so.

We've lived through some dark, grief-stricken days and still have ongoing challenges that affect us every day. We've learned it's so important to take time and intentionally live in the moment. We aren't superheroes when it comes to happiness and sometimes the biggest life lesson we've learned from our heartache and loss of Teagan is to never take the little moments for granted. We're so thankful we had Coke float night with Teagan and we're so thankful that we can enjoy it each year (and sometimes several times each year!) with the rest of our kids too. We hope you are moved to take an ordinary moment in your life and make it memorable and extraordinary in your own special way because of the legacy Teagan left to us. She was truly a gift to us. To you, and to whoever chooses to celebrate life- in the big and little things. Happy Coke Float Day from the whole Ferlaak family today! Find something to celebrate!