P.S. "I didn't even know I liked poached eggs until I met you."

Sometimes it's quite a struggle for me to balance the things I "have to do" and the "things I enjoy doing" from day to day. It's not that I don't like being a mom and staying home to care for my family. It is quite a blessing and privilege in my life to be able to do so. But I do struggle with days in a row where the routine-ness of it adds up and it can make me weary. Making meals, cleaning up, starting laundry, folding laundry and keeping tabs on kids' homework isn't always a thrill day in and day out. Especially so in the long winter months here in Michigan.
So I find myself very thankful to have my hobby and outlet in scrapbooking. I am on two different design teams {both Maya Road and Cocoa Daisy} and it is truly the creativity that I crave that keeps my spirits up at times. I wonder if my kids or anyone will care to look back on some of the photos, stories and things I've made years from now, but even if they don't I know that it has been fun for me. Just as some people sit and watch sports on tv or paint or do crossword puzzles or work out. Whatever it is that fills a certain point of happiness inside of you I think is an important part of life.
Even if it means you document things like how much you appreciate breakfast with your husband on occasion. =)
I am actually getting excited to do lots of picture-taking and memory-making when I get to join Chip for a weekend in Palm Springs, next week. He will be out there for some golf adventures, and I am meeting up with him to round out his week. The warmth and sunshine are high on my list of "things I think I will love about Palm Springs"! I know there will be some relaxation, good food, fun memories and hopefully some great scrap pages when I get home from the trip too!
I'll be sure to post some pictures of our trip- both on FB and Instagram too. So if you don't already connect with me in those places, feel free to send me a request!
I hope my phone has room for all the photos I plan to take!

Not always "out with the old".

 

 

Hello to 2014 and a whole new year ahead of us, right?! As much as I don't like getting older, I do love the fresh start of a new year. Yes, I know that every morning is another new day, but a whole new year just feels big and the way it gets celebrated is a big deal sometimes too. It is nice to be able to look ahead and feel like there are endless possibilities, new dreams, adventures and joys to be discovered. I am ready for all of that and more.
Having just turned 41 a week and a half ago I am fully aware that there are things that need to be changed in me, moments that need to be grasped and savored, and some things that simply need to be accepted. I titled this not always out with the old, because the truth is old and used and the past can all be truly wonderful things too! I find that some of my quirks and old habits aren't so bad...they are simply "who I am", including things like embracing a trend like loving antlers and not letting that fade even after a year or more. My "birthday moose" arrived in the mail and it was the perfect timing for me to scrap a page about it with the first Cocoa Daisy kit of the year~ Blueprint. I loved everything about this kit and had so much fun making my pages and little mini book to be filled in as this month goes on. This kit and add-ons are now available for purchase and I can tell you that if you have thought about getting a monthly subscription, Cocoa Daisy is the place to get yours. The kits seem to get better and better, and I'm not even sure how that can happen! I just know I love to get my box of goodies in the mail and have never been disappointed, ever!
I am hoping to 'celebrate' the everyday even more than I have done in the past. Somedays it is easy to do that, and some days it is quite a chore! Last night, for New Year's Eve I was ready to sit home with our 6 kids as Chip worked the event hosted at his golf club. I knew if I went I would have to scramble to do extra things at home so that I could safely and happily leave the kids together while I tried to sneak away for a couple of hours. {Brock is 14 now and once the littlest guys were in jammies and tucked in bed I knew it wouldn't be too hard a job for him to hang out.} I knew Chip would be busy making sure everything was going smoothly and so I would end up 'alone' at times and honestly I don't know too many members of the club all that well yet. I also haven't had any reason to dress up and so I was dragging my feet about going to the party for all those reasons and more. I am the queen of making excuses to stay home. Just ask Chip. =)
Instead, at about 9pm I decided I was going to make it happen and at least go to the party for a short while. I had 2 choices of dresses and put this one on first. I figured it would be better to be overdressed than underdressed for a New Year's party. I was just surprised and happy that the dress still fit! I wore it twice back in 2001. For those who have followed this blog forever, you know that that was 4 babies ago for me...so it's practically a miracle that this dress still fits me! I could have used some different shoes, and I actually ended up shoveling snow in this dress and heels. But the night turned out to be a fun escape from my usual nightly routine and even though my feet are a bit sore from late-night dancing, it was good to spend time together with Chip- even if he was "working".
Between antlers and scrapping and wearing an old dress, I am feeling good about what this new year holds. We went through so much change the past few years that it feels exciting to just settle down a bit more and see what a year can hold when there {hopefully} won't be changes and transitions in houses and schools and jobs. I have to say there is something wonderful about things staying the same too. Especially when you realize how good it is. Here's to 2014 and everything it holds- old, new and maybe another night out dancing before the year's end too! =)

Time for "Sweater Weather"!

 

This is the day that for the big reveal of Cocoa Daisy's October kit~ Sweater Weather. Here in Michigan the weather is actually more summerlike than fall, but I don't mind a bit! We still have some settling in to do at our house and I have had fun getting my scrap loft area unpacked so that I could scrap again. This kit is definitely filled with touches of autumn, but the colors and patterns of everything in it speak to much more than that too! I played with the pale orange and blue combo on a couple of my layouts. It has a lot of woodgrain and nature in it, which is always one of my favorite things! So feel free to join a bunch of us on the message boards tonight and get in on the sweater weather action firsthand. It's a fun night to be online at Cocoa Daisy!
I had to share a picture of our bed that we had ordered and was delivered this week. It is tall compared to our former bed, but we love the look of it and I am now watching for some fall/winter bedding to make it extra cozy when the cool weather does show up! For now the windows are still open during the day and the leaves around us have yet to change color. The golfers are still passing through our backyard all day long as we look out onto the 9th tee. The kids are still playing chalk on our driveway and the air is fresh and warm. I am soaking up as much of this kind of late summer-like weather as possible.
As always, I hope to blog more than I do as well! Maybe one day life will settle down into a routine. For now, it is still busy, busy busy. The kids all started school at one place, and then within a week we had transferred them to a new school. So between 5 school campuses and moving into a new house in the past month we still don't have a 'normal' schedule and are still making sense out of all the new things in our lives and spaces. But so far the transitions have gone mostly well. We feel very blessed. The sunrises are still beautiful each day, and with the exception of a few mild colds, we are all doing great. Just this morning Chip, Teague and I went to the local Farmer's Market. We have a bushel of Honey Crisp apples to enjoy as a result. There will likely be some baking in my future, and if you have a tried and true favorite apple recipe, feel free to share it with me in the comments today. Sometimes I love the changing seasons. When it means new recipes and warm weather, what's not to love?! Happy Autumn to you and yours! xo

When there is no love.

 

 

I'll be honest. There is a lot of stuff going on in the world and nothing grabs my attention more than news stories where everyone is minding their own business and trying to just enjoy their corner of the world, or partaking in something fun or beautiful, when suddenly their lives are forever changed by something horrible. I feel their pain on a very real level and know what grief and healing and finding a "new normal" means. Since the most recent bombing at the Boston Marathon, I have lifted prayers for the victims and their families a number of times in just the past two days. It is heartbreaking and it is a jolt back to reality that none of us knows how much time we have on this earth and that we need to make the most of each day we are given.
I have been struggling with the move back here to Michigan- away from family and many new friends. It has been an unreasonably long, cold winter, and the gloom of cold dark days lingers even now. We have had our snow melt away, and the temperatures are starting to climb, but between the news stories, this move, the long winter and all that goes into that, I am so, so ready for sunshine and fresh air again. I am ready for new growth and new life. Literally and figuratively.
I am almost embarrassed to say that one of the things I am struggling with in the move back to our home is our yard. It seems such a trite thing in the scheme of things, but it is something that in the past we put a lot of time and effort and energy into. We use our yard so much and love to be outside, but as the snow has melted away it has only revealed just how awful our yard turned in just one summer's time of neglect. Last year happened to be a dreadful summer- between the high heat and the lack of rain- that our yard just couldn't sustain itself with no tennants. We moved back in November and I knew it was going to be dead this spring. But I didn't realize just how "dead" it was going to be. The top photo is from a couple of summer's back. The next two pictures are of our house yesterday. Even though the sky was blue, the photos speak for themselves. Chip- my eternal optimist husband- says it will be back and better than ever by June 1. I am more reserved in my support of that thought and would be happy if we just had a thin layer of grass sprouting back by then. The whole yard and landscape have to be redone.
It has opened my eyes to the fact that "good" doesn't just grow. Weeds grow. Good dies. Green turns brown and dried in a hurry of it's not watered and nutured and cared for properly. I can't help but tie my thoughts of the dead, lifeless wreck of a yard to the events of Boston and how tragic that situation turned out. All the good people who worked and trained so hard for that marathon. All the years of the race being one of the most sought after to run in and with such a repuation that people come from miles around the world just to be in that place. And within seconds, that turned to tragedy and carnage and people will live with the horrible images and physical pains and some with grief from the death of a loved one, all because someone chose evil over love. When love is absent, there is darkness, hopelessness, despair and evil. I am sorrowed and saddened that such acts exist in our world that can rip lives apart in the blink of an eye. Through no fault of their own, people now will love with the heartache of such acts. I wish they could turn back the clock. I wish we could erase the last 48 hours and write a different ending.
But there is no chance of that- so everyone moves forward. I have found that moving forward in life sometimes means having to go places you'd rather not. Or leave places you wish you could have stayed. Or simply wait it out and hold out hope for brighter days. But just as our yard looks dry and dead and barren, I choose to believe {and hold out great hope!} that Chip is right and that new green growth is mere weeks away. I choose to believe with time and effort and energy poured into our yard it will look as good or maybe even better than it did before. Is it going to be easy? No. Is it going to take time? Yes. Is it going to be worth the investment? I sure hope so.
To those touched by life's heartaches- wherever you may be- I hope you choose to love, to believe in brighter days; to hold out hope and to always keep the faith. We may not know why there are times or places or hardships in our lives at times, but we can always pour ourselves into giving it our all and for sure, to always love. It makes the biggest difference of all.

So much more than Sketchbook~

These are just a few of the things I crafted using the latest kit from Cocoa Daisy. It's called Sketchbook and it is full of beautiful patterned papers and ribbon and fun alphabet stickers and a whole lot more! I received the tiny deer from a friend not long ago, and when I saw the colors in this kit it just seemed so fresh and spring-like, so I put the fawn in a little card box I had laying around since Christmas, and it turned into a cute little home for him. I have it sitting on my desk right now and it just makes me happy. SO that is a very good thing!
Another project I made is partially done. It's actually a work in progress, which I am excited about gradually filling in! the concept behind this tiny, embellished notebook is that each day I am writing down at least one "good thing" that happened, or that I did right, or that someone else did right at some point. I am hoping that seeing the good things fill up this book will serve as a tangible reminder that life does indeed hold many blessings and even though sometimes they don't jump out at us, it is always a good idea to take note of them. It certainly can't hurt to focus on the positive. Even if it is only one day at a time. We will get there. And in the process there will be lots of little things to note along the way.
Today, for instance, I am home again while Chip works late tonight. I am unable to get out or do anything with my kids, so we are in for another Friday night. But I put some lipstick on today. Just because. I listened to my kids laugh and play together. I got another to take a much-needed nap. And to top it off, we just might have popcorn and a movie on the dvr. It's nothing really. But when you look at it as another night in a warm house where nobody is sick and grateful just because we have a Dad who works, it's pretty great. So that's the deal with this little book. It's time to spin the focus and see that things could always be worse. We've learned that lesson already. Now it's time to find a reason to be happy. Hopefully I'll find them. One day at a time.

When the clouds were light and numbered 9...

So there has been a bit of heaviness here at Nitty.Gritty. for about 3 years now. Or maybe it just seems that way to me. The really wonderful part about being surrounded by darkness and heavy burdens in  life is that you know there must be a time coming when the light will shine and the clouds will lit again. I know I've been preaching that for a long while now. And a couple of times it even appeared as though the sun was starting to shine. But then more waves of life came and it's like I hit rewind around here and started to sound like a broken record again.
I am not going to lie. I do sound like a broken record way more often than I would care to admit. But it's not because I make stuff up. On the contrary, things often go from bad to worse for us and I don't always even share the worst! =) Thank goodness for that. I do know that one of the ways out of the clouds, or even a simple break from them is to look back at times when things have been good. The way to push ahead is often by looking back and believing that the good times will roll again.
Thank goodness for March's Sketchbook kit at just the right time! Last week when my scrapbook kit arrived on my doorstep from Cocoa Daisy I will tell you I was feeling like never scrapping anything again in my life ever. I was so convinced there was nothing 'good' in me to share. I can tell you that I wallowed and waivered for a few days. I questioned why does it matter if I do or don't scrap ever again. And do you know what I came up with? A couple of things. One was I LOVE to scrap and create and make things with patterened paper and stamps and cool 'stuff'. Two was that reality hitting me that if I walked away from scrapping then there would be even less fun and goodness in my life. I didn't want that to happen for sure! I didn't want the 'bad side' of me to win. So I dug deep and out of that spilled this nostalgic mini book that I made for Chip {and let's be honest here, for me too}. =) It is a little book about remembering where it all began for us. The fun, the love the happiness, the clouds that we walked on that were lighter than air all those years ago, and the magic that we felt just walking hand-in-hand.
You know what else happened? I spent way too much time making this. But during that time I got to think back on the many memories we did have where we laughed and learned new things about each other; I relived some of the memories that have been tucked away for a very long while.
Some days Chip and I can be so short with each other and just get through our days without a whole lot of niceness to each other- much less love and magic. I pulled out a tiny book I had in my jewlery box since our early days of dating and created a little pocket in this book to give it a more rightful 'home'. I remember handwriting that little book knowing my heart was so in love with someone and knowing his heart was in love with mine right back. It was a silly little gesture to make it and give it to him, but as I flipped through it and as I share it on this blog all these years later (that little book of Chip is more than 18 years old! and by the way, his real name is John David...he's gone by Chip since he was a small tyke though), I realize it is a gift to be able to peer into that young love and to have something tangible that documents it even a little bit. It makes it even more important for me to scrap now and hold onto and share the memories and stories that still lie hidden in my heart.
Even though the dark clouds darken my view and cloudmy eyes at times, I am so glad that I am able to glimpse past them, or push them back and make something out of their gray mist in my life. To Chip I just want to say thank you for loving me. Then, now and always. Lest we forget...may this little book and all our happy memories serve to remind us of the gift of our love. Forever! xo

Learn new things.

It's February and I am sitting at home with three kids on this Friday, while the other three are at school learning new things. It's wintery and snowy outside, and I was out for a bit shoveling a small snowbank away from our mailbox in hopes that the mail carrier will actually stop at our box today. When I came in, I was chilled, of course. But after a quick warm-up it seems to be the perfect kind of day to learn something new myself.

As I think about all that has happened in the span of a year in my life, it is exhausting and certainly had its crazy parts. When I think of the demands I have on me each day, simply as a wife and mother of 6 kids with lots of needs, it can tire me out too. Top it off with a heart that has yet to embrace living where we do and feeling a lack of purpose to it all, and well, it just seems even more important and maybe even necessary for me to try new things. It is the idea of my word, soar, that helps push me to want more out of life too.

I have fought to find purpose and meaning in life for years and years now. And although I turned 40 and that in itself should indicate I should know what I am here for by now, it is still something I am seeking after all these years.

So in the quiet, and in the wait, and in this in between time where I find myself asking again, 'what am I doing and why', it is nice to give myself the space to just be still. And learn new things. Like crochet. I am thankful for my dear friend who literally helped 'hook me up' with this new venture. I am thankul for friends who care about me during the not-so-exciting times of my life. I am grateful that there are ebbs and flows in life that give us hope that there is something in the works yet to come. Today I wait, wonder, and yarn over and let my thoughts turn to what it is. I love quiet days...filled with Hope.

I can't help but love it. Sometimes.

Friday I washed four loads of laundry. I don't have a laundry room, so my laundry baskets get brought up to the top of their stairs and this is the sight you would see if you rang my doorbell and I opened it up to say hello. My task on Saturday {while Chip hosted 80 people throughout the day out golfing on his new course!He has a job again. We are thankful.} was to fold and put this laundry away. I managed to get three of the four put away. As well as wash 3 more loads.
Between towels and bedding and just daily dirty clothes, there is literally never a time when I don't have piles of clean or dirty laundry sitting around somewhere at our house. It is one of those things that actually drives me crazy at the same time I love and appreciate it so much. I DO love clean, fresh folded laundry way moreso than piles of dirty stuff. But when I fold it and it piles up and I throw yet another load into my wash machine I find myself still thanking God that I get to be the mom to do this thankless job. I even pray for and am thankful for my kids and Chip who wear and dirty the clothes and towels and sheets. I think back so many times to the day I first did a load of laundry- it was several weeks after Teagan had died and I was "happy" to be getting back to doing a normal chore again. I had spent a few weeks with Wyndham and Chip in ICU, and even then when we came home from Hurley I was in a wheelchair and unable to go downstairs to do the laundry. So when that day finally came that I could do something so ordinary and something I had done over and over, I was unprepared at how different it was to wash, dry and fold clothes with Teagan's clothes not in the mix. It rocked my already grief-stricken world and I it is one of the "cries" and memories that has struck me so many times since then throughout the years. I was totally unprepared for the "missing" of her in something so routine. It made me realize how much I had taken for granted. It made me realize how much she was and always would be a part of my life. It made me realize how lucky I was to still have Chip, Brock and Wyndham and my physical abilities back to even try to resume our "normal" life once again.
My heart had ached at the loss of Teagan and all our bodies, hearts and minds were healing from. But I never knew doing laundry that day would change my persective on so many levels. I have been buried in laundry every year since then with the addition of more babies and with the growing that everyone has done through the years. But when I see baskets of laundry, on my very worst days, I still see something to give thanks for. I am ever grateful for the baskets that overflow. It reminds me of how many people I have to love and care for inmy home. It reminds me of how blessed we are to have so many things- clean water and soap to wash with, clothes to wear, closet space to put it all away- when I get around to doing that. I don't always love a lot of things in my life. But I am always trying to be better at even loving the parts that aren't always so lovable.
My word for this year is "soar". I want to soar and appreciate the stuff that is ever-present and not always so thrilling. To do so gives my heart and mind the push to be thankful for everything. Seeking to love the 'gifts' in life that we don't always think of as gifts is one of the ways I am choosing to look at life. I know I won't always have this many full baskets in my life. So that makes me even more thankful for them now. And that is the kind of thing that makes my heart soar...and makes the laundry less of a chore and turns it into a precious gift. I think it's why I enjoy stocking up on Tide as much as I do too. {Seriously, I usually keep at least 8 jugs on hand...partlt because I buy them on good sales. And also in part because it isn't surprising how much we go through it and I never want to run out!}Oh the joys of life when we just start breaking down the stuff we have and seeing it in new ways. I am not always good at it. But that's part of what makes life a good challenge too.
And now I want to know, is there something in life you can't help but love, even though most other people might think it's not all that great or fun? And what about a word for the year. Do you choose one? Feel free to share. I would love to know what you you are all focusing on for this year. xo

Growing up and stuff. =)

The other night after dinner the funniest thing that my kids have said happened in a long time. So funny, that I decided I had to share it here for the Nitty.Gritty. archives. =) The background is that my kids are getting older and we're all growing up around here- and with growing comes changes! There had been some 'meltdown' among the kids and in the middle of the round this time, was Bella. She is 10 and in fifth grade. At that nice age where sometimes you think you're still a kid, and sometimes you think you don't want to be one anymore. Throw a couple of younger siblings/toddler in the mix and it can be the perfect scenario for a meltdown.
I don't even recall what the fuss was all about, I just know that I had called to Bella to calm down or to back off or go to a different room a couple of times and instead, I had to go 'break it up' myself. Not that there was fighting going on, it was just playtime getting too loud, wild and in my mom's mind- the perfect timing for an injury. So to avoid it, I asked her to go to her room and take a break. I told her she could read a book or write or just hang out. Instead of happily heading to her room, she sighed and seemed even more upset. I was just outside her room doing a load of laundry and I could tell she was upset. So I went into her room and asked if we could just talk for a few minutes. It turned into one of "those talks".
The kind of talk where a mom tells her daughter how much she loves her and that feelings are okay- no matter if they are happy, sad, angry, disppointed, excited or whatever. I talked to her about how because she's a girl and because of her age sometimes there will be days {or moments or weeks!} that you feel things and you're not even sure why exactly. I told her about hormones. I told her about body changes. I told her about emotional highs and lows and how lucky she is to be a girl! {insert sarcasm here...at least a little bit, right ladies!} After our talk she was feeling so much better. She had lots of questions that I could answer, and I know we have more talks ahead of us. But we both felt good about what we had shared and we ended with some big smiles and big hugs.
Flash forward to just a few minutes after dinnertime. I was in the kitchen cleaning up and Bella and Crew and Teague were just a matter of feet away from me in the master bedroom off our kitchen. Bella was supposed to entertain the boys for a few minutes- with a Christmas show or something "calm" while I cleaned up. Easy enough, right?! Well, I started hearing lots of noise and I could tell there was nothing calm going on in that room. So I looked up from what I was doing and saw Bella half-jumping on my bed and the boys were all over her with glee.
I said, "Isabella! You need to mellow out and find something calm to do right away!" To which she replied as she laughed loudly too, "Mom...it's the hormones!" I started laughing and barely a split second later Crew shouts out happily, "I want to buy hormones!" He was so serious and happy as he said it. Bella laughed outloud and quickly replied to him, "You don't need any hormones...you're wild enough already!"
Ha...ha...ha! I am still laughing as I was that night too. It was all so fast and funny. Crew still has no clue what a hormone is- nor does he get that you don't normally buy them. {Although Wyndham was on hormone shots for 7 years, so maybe he thinks he could use a few doses.} =) Bella, it turns out, equates hormones more with happiness, excitement and adreniline. Which is in part, very true. We just have to have further talks, it seems. Me? It turns out I do have lots of things to blog about just like this. I just don't have the time I used to before 2 little boys were added to our family mix. The pictures here are from last March too. I found a bunch on my phone and have been adding them to my computer a few at a time. I take so many photos!
And now for a bit more "stuff". If you left a comment on the previous post and want a possible Christmas card from me, I said I would pick a couple names by Thursday, but instead, I need you to email me your addresses BY Thursday! I wasn't thinking of how much time I need to get them sent off to you by Christmas. So, here you go: nitty.grittyjody@yahoo.com. Put 'christmas card' in the subject line and I will send out as many as I get the chance to do! I baked some Christmas cookies yesterday and had a very thoughtful, heart-heavy weekend, as so many of us did. I have lots of thoughts and am still praying and processing as I hold the families of Newtown close in my heart. I hope the whole community can feel all our love.

All that glitters~

You can be sure that with more than a three week abscence in blogposts that much has happened in my heart and life. And yet nothing has happened. Which is proving to be the biggest challenge I have had to endure the past month. I am learning lots of lessons. I am seeing more clearly what kind of person I truly am. Honestly, it's been ugly to see the real me in many regards- deep down (or maybe not even all that deep down!) I am a control-freak with a few dashes of immaturity and a dose of doubt thrown in for not-so-good measure too. I don't really like the me that has surfaced while going through this process of having a house sold out from under us with virtually no options opening up for us as to where our family is supposed to go next.
I have had to flex the faith muscle that I have been growing and exercising since I was a very young girl. I have said it in posts here since my earliest online writings- I have a strong faith and believe fully in God who is more than able to provide for my deepest needs. It doesn't matter if those needs are physical, emotional, spiritual; I have put my trust in Him and have been blessed by His faithfulness to more than provide for me over and over and over again. To the point where it seems like there is no way I could begin to doubt who He is and how He is able to meet those needs.
But guess what?
My faith isn't nearly as big or as strong or as steadfast as I might have like to think it was. In the past few weeks as Chip and I have poured ourselves and every free minute {besides the ones where I have been scrapping for my stress relief!} into trying to find a place for our family of 8 to live, I have waivered, cried, wept, prayed, vowed never to pray again, cared so much, not cared at all, surrendered, taken it all back, reminded myself of all God has done, put Him to the test again, opened my heart, closed my eyes, yelled more than I would ever like to have to admit, whispered pleadings so strong that no Father, it seems, could sit back in silence. And yet that is where I find myself sitting today.
It has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.
I have thrown out questions and begged for wisdom and direction. I have asked for doors to swing open. And more recently, have been given some wisdom and now am at the point of asking for every single door to swing shut except for the one that God would want us to walk through.
What do you want from me, God?
How are we to know that we are making the right choice?
We only want to be where you want us to be and can use us the most?
Why does something as 'easy' as finding a house to live in have to be this hard??
When is it someone else's turn to have to live through a life challenge like this one- because we have already lived through and learned some of life's toughest lessons of all! Right?
Right, God?
Apparently not.
Because in the moments of my tears flowing and my anger rising and my heart breaking, I have been gifted a calm spirit and I have been reminded of verses and songs that clearly remind me that He is beyond understanding and yet He wants to be fully known. As I said, I have had to wonder and sit confused and turn open my Bible and my daily devotionals for words and truths that point right back to what I knew and yet have to "relearn" over and over again. And that is this:
God is always in control.
God wants to me look to Him for every provision in life.
He doesn't want me to have long stretches in life where I sit back and simply coast along, because I would become lazy or self-sufficient or even prideful of the ease I would have. Instead, being in a place where I can do absloutely nothing about what is happening around me except trust in Him for what is coming next- that is where God shows Himself to be powerful, faithful, kind and true.
Even in human terms, if a father were to give their kids everything they wanted whenever they wanted it, those kids would never learn to appreciate; they would come to expect and be demanding and self-serving, inconsiderate and without compassion for giving in return. To expect that our God wants to just give us whatever we want whenever we want it and never have to be patient or dependent upon Him would be for us to miss out on His amazing love. He loves so much He is even willing to let us hurt at times. He is willing to let us stew and be angry or confused or impatient and immature. His love for us is so deep that He is willing to make us walk step by excruciating step UP a rough mountainside and keep moving us in that direction without even hinting as to how far and tall or big the mountain really is. And once we have gotten part way and we are sure we have walked far enough and we are tired and weary and worn and want to be done climbing, His love is greater and far reaching than that.He nudges us on another step higher. And further up the mountainside. Until at times we can hardly gasp for air and we think our insides will break because we simply cannot go on- and truth be told, we have walked to long and far and high we have frankly forgotten why we are even on this mountainside at all.
It cannot be for the fun of it. There is no thrill in climbing when you cannot see beyond the next step in front of you, nor can you find any rest of comfort or ease along the way. It becomes such a burden and the idea of going higher only makes you want to turn back around and start using the tiny bit of energy that you have left in you for the journey back down instead. You cannot muster the strength to move forward, so you pause and think about turning back. And about that time, your feet begin to slip. Your pack of supplies is heavy and weighing you down and your body is spent so you stumble a step or two. As you begin to question how you even got "talked into" starting this climb at all, you turn back to peer up the mountain to see if you can catch any glimpse of the mountaintop and in so doing possibly find a tiny bit of renewed strength or hope to continue the climb.
You can't. So you cling to the rock on which you stand for another moment or two. In that space of not knowing how or why or where, you take a deep breath and find rather than pain, you feel a peace. You sense that there is no way you would have ever, EVER gotten this far if you have not believed there was something glorious and worthwhile at the top. You close your eyes and say, God, I do not know how I am going to make it. I have no clue how far I have yet to climb. But I vow once again to simply do my best and trust you to give me the strength and energy and will to get there.
Because of His great love for us, God not only doesn't leave us sitting alone, weary and worn, on the side of the mountain. He comes alongside us {through words to songs or in the form of a warm, fresh-baked apple pie and visit from friends, or through a well-timed scripture verse that affirms who He is and always has been to this point}; He sometimes even picks us up and carries us. His love for us is so high, so deep, so wide and so strong, that He allows us to ache step-by-step along the path to which He has called and guided our steps because He knows that when we come to the place- the mountaintop place to which He promises to bring us, the view will be so magnificent and overwhelming and stunning that it will stop us in our tracks at the very instant all our pain that has consumed us in our journey washes away. He created the mountain. He created the view from the top. He knows just how rugged and tiresome and tasking it is to get there.
But He has promised to be our Guide, our comfort, our Strength and our Supply. His love for us is so deep that He must know that to give us a glimpse of the view along the way would threaten to take away from the mountaintop experience. Much like kids who discover what their gifts are through shaking their Christmas presents under the tree before it is actually time to open and receive them. It's not half as fun to open that present when you know what's in it compared to the total joy and delight and ripping that gift open and being completely and utterly surprised.
All this to say, I know that my God is so big, so strong, so mighty, so loving, so good, so enduring, so utterly faithful that I do not have to even have a glimpse of His plan to keep trusting in it. I trust Him fully. Even though I have had to get to that place by walking some very rough terrain.
Yesterday I sat at our back entry space and looked at some piled up boxes that have been lining the room just inside the garage door for 10 months now. There were a couple of boxes that I had never even looked at because I knew when we moved into this house it was just a temporary rental place until our house sold and we found some place new. We never moved in here and made it our home. We never dreamed it would be almost a year that we would be here and so that also played into my wanting to just keep things boxed up and ready to go for the next move. So the piles have been piled and taking up space all this time. I opened up and started reorganzing a couple of them. Then I came to a box marked, "Garage sale items- girls clothes". I knew I hadn't boxed it up when we moved here so I realized it must be from our last move. That was many years ago. I opened it up thinking I would find clothes I could give to my friends who have little girls of their own right now and I wanted to check the sizes and see who I might be able to pass these items to. When I opened it I recognized the clothes immediately. Most of the things in that box were clothes that Teagan had worn and I know I hadn't seen them for a very long time. My sisters boxed up a lot of her clothing soon after she died and while I was still at Hurley Hospital waiting for Chip and Wyndham to get well enough to come back home. So it is likely I hadn't seen these things since before Teagan died. I know I get chided for talking and writing about Teagan's death and how I am still so often reminded of her life even in my day-to-day activities more than a decade later. I know there are some who will never understand why I write as much as I do about my grief journey and how my little girl's death still impacts my life. I know there are people who believe that "life moves on and you must get over it for your own health". But here's the thing.
I don't go looking for ways to be reminded of Teagan- except for on the days I choose to do so. Like on her birthday. And when we celebrate Coke Float Day. Or when the leaves change color because she loved the new shades of red and yellow and orange of the leaves so much. I don't sit by a CD and play her favorite tunes or stare at pictures wishing her back. That is all a part of the process of letting go. But there are moments or events or reminders of my Teagan that sometimes present themselves in ways I cannot create on my own. And I have learned that those moments must be lived and processed just the same. So I lifted a few of the items out of that box yesterday. And my throat got tight and my eyes started to burn and the tears bulged over my lower lids and started to flow down. I reached into the box and pulled out a pair of Teagan's pink glitter shoes. She had worn them as part of a Halloween costume...but worn them as often as she could. To places like Glen's Market while we grocery shopped. To church. To Daddy's golf club. To 7-11 with Lizzy as she and Brock rode in the double stroller to go get slurpees.
Suddenly this box and all its contents overwhelmed me and I wondered how it had gotten lost or mixed in with other storage items all this time and I had never even missed it. I wondered how it was that even after not seeing these items for more than 10 years the memories came flooding back as though I had watched Teagan dance and jump in her shoes just yesterday. I wept. I ached. I got angry for a moment all over again. I missed her so much. I recalled her joy and smiles and sheer happiness that filled her up when she put these little pink glitter shoes on. I ached that my other girls are now too big to fit in these shoes and have their chance to dance in them too.
I realized that all of life is a part of who we are and that our stories take such twists and turns and go from lows to highs to more highs and lows that surely there must be One who loves us and can make the 'storyline' an incredible read when it's all said and done.
I sit in a place where I feel I have done more than my share of climbing this rough mountainside. I have seen some amazing views along the way. But honestly I am tired and don't even know why I keep climbing at times. This is that time. It seems like there is no ryhme or reason as to why the journey has brought us here. The timing couldn't be worse. We are ready for a view "from the top". But even as I sit here and wonder, I am reminded that being still is never a crime. Looking back to see how far we've come doesn't make us weak- but instead can give us renewed strength and new resolve to move forward and get one step closer to the top. Knowing that God is with us each step of the way whether we like this part of the climb or not is an act of mercy He pours out on us. I know He loves us and won't let us fall. Even though the journey is steep at this point. In the next couple of weeks something has to happen. One of the options at this point is for me to go back to our home in Michigan with the kids while Chip stays here in MN to work and hopefully our home will sell. It seems like a wild, ridiculous option. But I am putting all my trust and gratitude in the One who knows and even created the view from which I will see this story played out. It might not be rosy and fun or even reasonable for us to have to take this next step. But I know that He keeps us close and can be trusted every single step of the way.

Sometimes I think my biggest issue in life...

We are living in a beautiful rental home right now, awaiting the sale of our home in Michigan. We've been in this house just a few days shy of nine months now. Most of the people in our small town have been very warm and welcoming. But we have a young couple living next door to us. Our front step is probably 10 yards from their driveway. We have them come and go a hundred times or more. We have large, full-sized windows that wrap arund the side of our home that faces theirs. We spend a lot of time in this living room. It's hard to not notice when they come and go.
And yet, not once, in 9 months, have they said hello. Only 3 times have they responded to our waves. And when I say "our waves", I am talking about when the kids or I are sitting on the front step blowing bubbles or eating string cheese or any other snack outside. They look over, but quickly turn away. We have never imposed on their property. We have never been obnoxious- at least from my perspective. =)
I have tried to teach my kids to treat others with kindness and respect. I know from experience that you also cannot possibly know what another person is feeling or thinking. But I still believe in a good old-fashioned neighborly hello and a response to a friendly wave.
I tried on another occasion to bring a loaf of banana bread to this young couple. I know a few things about them. He is an electrician; he drives the company van. They are very particular. They keep their {white} cars washed and spotless. They edge their lawn a few times in the summer. The man rides an orange motorcycle most often on weekends. The woman rides a bicycle with a wicker basket in front. She often wears a colorful scarf. And/or sunglasses.
The thing is, they seem so 'normal' and so I just assume in our small community and in the family-type neighborhood in which we live that they would respond to friendly gestures. It feels "odd" to me that we have lived and seen them and know lots of little things about them- bu have never exchanged names or hellos. Or bread. =)
Yesterday I wrapped up a little loaf of pumpkin bread and attached a small tag to it and set it on my counter to bring to them when they got home. It just so happened that they didn't return until after dark. So my attempt at being a nice neighbor fell to the wayside.
Chip has told me to just "drop it". Get over the fact that they don't want any type of relationship with their neighbors and let them be. I feel bad that we live in a society where people no longer feel the need to be 'social'. Given the realm of "social media" and the way people connect all over the world, to me it is a sad testament that online relationships and virutal friendships can and have and are easily replacing "real life" relationships. I just think it's sort of a sad reality that people can be so aloof that they can't even wave.
I realize that maybe one of my big "issues" in life is that I sometimes 'care too much'. I get that I am a people person and I love that everyone has a story. I love that we can be "total opposites" and yet be best friends, or we can be so much alike that we laugh and point fingers at our own quirks. I have many. I am not always the best friend. Both online and in real life. But I do hope that I never become so shut out to people around me that I can't respond to their waves of hello. And in so doing, quite possibly miss out on a little home-baked goodness too.

Why I love to scrap...

When I am "in the zone", everything I see and experience becomes an idea, inspiration or trigger that makes me want to scrap and create something. I am so happy to say that that feeling and desire has returned to me in full force the past couple of months. I know it may sound crazy to some, but I will admit that I actually included scrapping in my prayer life. I have written about my struggle with depression and just feeling like life was getting the best of me from about the time Wyndham had her major surgery and I had a newborn plus  other kiddos to care for at the same time. I had already "let scrapping go" in a way because the site and friends I had been so active and close with at SIStv shut down and most of us went our seperate ways since we are actually miles and miles apart in the physical world.

So as things became progressively overwhelming in life and I became progressively bitter about parts of my life, the thing I felt least like doing at that time was documenting the details of my life. The details were not "pretty". They weren't fun. Or exciting. Or even different. There were stretches in that time of my life where I went days without even leaving the house. One stretch was a full 17 days! It wasn't for lack of my wanting to leave; but the fact was I couldn't leave. Chip and I were {and still are} Wyndham's full-time caregivers. When she was in double casts, we were the ones to change every diaper {and we still do}, administer pain meds round the clock, bathe her as best we could, and get anything and everything she needed, since she was immobile. It was and sometimes still is exhausting, just to meet her daily needs. Throw in 4 other rambunctious, growing, healthy kids and one newborn nursing baby into that equation, and it's no wonder I couldn't step foot out my front door to even get the mail at that time. Chip would grab groceries on his way home from work every couple of days, and other than dropping off and picking up the kids from school, we were stuck at home.

It was hard. It felt unfair. It was smothering. It was tiring.  I can't tell you the number of loads of laundry I did. I can't tell you the number of times I wished I had a different set of life circumstances at that point in time. I can't tell you how many months Chip and I didn't even get to sleep in the same room- much less go out and have some one-to-one couple time without worrying about meeting someone's needs.

It was a time when our world seemed very small. And yet our "problems" felt very big and real.

Flash forward through nearly 2 years and we have come a long, long way.

My attitude has started to come back to the one I remember and love best. The kind of attitude that says, "Yes, rough stuff happens, but we have it oh so GOOD!". The clouds have lifted in my heart one tiny bit at a time as I have watched Wyndham gain at least some strength back and finally gotten to the point where she can move around on her feet instead of a chair. She is not "the old Wyndham" that we had before in that she basically sits/stays in one place all day unless we help, ask or demand her to move. She used to walk around the house and play what sh wanted to play and interact with her siblings and do stuff like open the fridge and point to what she wanted to drink. She has an iPad that she loves now. She doesn't use a wheelchair at home, and she is close to herself at least when it comes to her sense of humor being back. So we are thrilled with that type of progress. But I wonder at this point if she will ever be like she used to be. I never want to hold her back, so I support her and push her and we continue to have her in therapies each week.

Teague has gone from newborn to a big 2 year old now. He wants nothing more than to do everything the "big kids" do around here. So that means he has mastered the iPad. And Angry Birds on our cell phones too. He plays hard, eats well, laughs lots, looks for trouble, gets in trouble, still takes daily naps, and basically continues to capture our hearts all while we try to find ways to wrangle him and keep him from too much trouble.

We have moved. We are not settled. But as I wrote earlier in a post about excuses in life, I knew that just because I didn't have spot set up or my scrap supplies unpacked didn't mean I had to give up the creative side of me that was craving the opportunity to make stuff. Between all the demands of life and the stress of not being settled in a home is about the time when I decided to take my 'cravings' to God. Why I didn't just come to Him with one of the great needs of my heart in the first place, I don't know. Maybe it's because I think in comparison to some problems in my own life and certainly in our big world around all of us, it just didn't seem to deserve a spot in my prayers. Maybe it's because I just felt like I should be able to meet my needs in that area of my life all on my own. Maybe it's because in all the Bible stories I have ever read since I was a little girl I don't ever recall anyone asking God to give them opportunities to scrap and create stuff.

But for me scrapping isn't just about cutting and gluing and playing around with cute stickers and ribbons and stuff. It has been so much more than that to me. The most important part of it has been the friendships I have established with other scrappers/creative people. These people have become a part of my life and connecting with people who have the same passion for the same kind of stuff is a truly wonderful thing to me. It has gone beyond sharing pictures and projects- to sharing hopes, fears and even wild dreams too. It's true I was missing the "stuff". But more than that I was missing the people who love to share that stuff and love to see me share too. It has been more than just putting memories and photos down on pages and in mini books. Scrapping in my life has opened doors and given me expereinces with people I would otherwise never have crossed paths with in my daily life. It has stretched me creatively and grown a part of my heart that I would have otherwise never have known existed.

It has become a way for me to share what's in my heart in a tangible way. It has become a wonderful outlet for me to express some of the funny or serious, or simple and quirky, or heartfelt and fleeting things that touch my heart and mind. I used to think that scrapping meant you took your kids' school photos and glued them to a page with stickers and the name of their teacher that year. But it is so much more than that. One of the things I love most about creating pages and other things is that there are no set rules. There are no 'right or wrong' ways of doing things. You don't have to put your pictures on a straight line. You don't have to match your alphabet letters to your paper. Anything goes. You don't even need pictures. You can just make what you want, how you want to, and out of whatever you want to use. And in the process of doing that stuff I have made some great friends and filled a few albums with pages of stories and pictures that I hope will give the people I love glimpses of what was on my heart and mind at that time.

Being a part of the Cocoa Daisy community has been an answer to my prayer. I was asking God to give me ways to connect with others {being a stuck-at-home mom is hard work!} and ways to tap into the creative side of life that I had been missing and craving. Without even knocking on it or looking for it, the door to Cocoa Daisy swung open. I felt from the first moment that it was God's way of answering my prayer. I am so thankful that He is a God who cares about the smallest details of our lives. I know I have bigger,pressing needs (like selling a house, for one) in life, but I love that God sees our hearts when we open them to Him and He even meets our needs in ways that surprise us.

The pages I share with you today are a couple that I created using the September kit called, He Said, She Said. It goes on sale to anyone that wants one on September 1st. That page about Teague in his sock monkey jammies just makes me happy. I cut strips and strips of paper and stapled them down and then added a bunch of little details that I thought were so fun. He has outgrown those little pajamas, but I couldn't help but want to hold on to my memory of him in them anyway. I called him, "Mr. Monkey Pants" in the morning when I would get him out of his crib. So the journaling reads, "You may grow up and hold a distinguished title someday, but I'll always be grateful that you started out as Mr.Monkey Pants to me."

The second page is a snapshot of some of us eating ice cream cones on the front step. We haven't taken big trips or done major summer outings as a family, but just seeing the smiles on our faces made me realize we have such an amazing life regardless of the stuff we might not have. Just recognizing that the ordinary days of summer- where we are all healthy and together and laughing and eating ice cream- is a gift and I am grateful for every ordinary day we have.

My heart is full right now. I love that scrapping fills it up a bit too.