Forgiveness opens the door to new life.

Last night Oprah's Lifeclass was live from Toronto, Canada. The show topic was on Forgiveness and as the topic was introduced a few clips from our original appearance on The Oprah Show was aired. We had been notified and in contact with a producer from the show last week. We talked about how forgiveness has impacted our lives. We talked about some of the issues that we will live with forever- especially in regard to Wyndham. Seeing pieces of our story and thinking about how that was April of 2002- a full ten years ago- and yet the message is still one that is so relevent today for us and for so many other people who have been hurt in their lives.

I have learned so many things through the events of the past ten years and I find it most amazing that Chip and I have been able to stay together and as humbly as I can put this, I might add that we have grown and flourished and lived very full lives since our incident occured. I have written about it in previous posts that I still find it crazy that we didn't just pull the window blinds of lour lives shut and let the world pass us by. There were days and months in those early stages of our grief and pain that that is exactly what we felt like and wanted nothing more to do. Especially when the events of 9/11 happened just weeks after we had left the Hurley Hospital ICU with Wyndham and were trying to heal from our physical wounds and injuries. It just felt overwhelming that the world could be so full of hurt and death and pain and with a feeling of darkness over much of our days. I remember sitting on the egde of my bed with pain shooting through my neck, back and legs even before my feet touched the ground. I would sit for a moment of two and let the reailty of what had happened to us and so many others start to sink in. And honestly, some days it didn't seem like it would ever matter for me to leave my bed. It felt safer and I really felt like the world had nothing more to offer me. All I sensed was pain and hurt...and to take a step out of bed caused even more pain. I seemed as though the world we had once known and laughed in and loved in and cared about was no where to be found.

Knowing that Teagan would never come bounding across the room and throw her arms around me for a big hug, and seeing Brock's pain from her loss and his own physical issues as he tried to recover on top of Wyndham's major life set-backs, well it just seemed to be a whole new, broken, hurting world that I wanted to close my eyes and see it all go away.

Thankfully, and the only one I credit for giving me eyes to see and a heart to believe that there was something in our new dark world worth fighting for was God. I know several people who don't believe in God. I know several people who think He is just a nice idea, or they wonder if He really could exist, but they have never had to actually rely on Him or need Him for anything in their lives. But for me, for Chip, for our family, He was our everything. God made Himself known through things like a double-rainbow outside of my car window on the way to the hospital as I headed to Flint, MI while the rest of my family members were being airlifted there one by one. He made Himself known in the peace that flooded Chip's heart and soul and he undeniably felt Teagan hugging him, just moments after she died. He hadn't even been told she was gone- but at that time he felt the warmth of her arms hugging him and her small voice saying, "Daddy, it's going to be okay."

God showed up in the way our bodies were able to heal and especially so in Wyndham's tiny body. We had doctors tell us she would never survive her shunt surgery- but that they had to go ahead and perform it because without it she would die too. So the option was she would die either way, but they wanted to at least try their last resort. Once out of surgery, and much to their surprise, she was opening her eyes and looking at us within a couple of hours. They told us it would be at least a day before they even knew if she would come out of the sedation enough to be alert.

God was there.

I know some people have a hard time believing in something that cannot be seen. But in spite of never seeing Him or His hands at work, we have FELT His presence, His healing, His peace and His comfort in ways that cannot be explained. He has been a strength for us and has shown us the path toward healing and even Joy in life again. He has been faithful to provide us the grace to accept what happened to us and the ability to extend forgiveness for the offenses against us too. He has been the one to lead us through our darkness and back into the light.

In talking about the show topic and discussing where we are at now, my heart and mind have been thinking about just how amazing it is that we did choose {although I believe God helped guide our hearts and response of forgiveness} the path of forgiveness and it is so obvious to me that it changed the way we were able to live as a result.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that forgiveness allowed Chip and I to find joy, happiness, laughter the ability to see goodness in our dark world once again. Forgiveness toward Cindy and what she did that fateful day allowed us to live beyond that moment and not live a life of bitterness and inner pain. I truly believe that had we not both claimed forgiveness toward her and her actions, that we never would have stayed together and weathered the storm of grief and the ongoing life challenges that her actions have left us with for the rest of our lives. I know I would have allowed the wall of hurt to keep Chip out and I would have walled him off with the rest of the world. I would have chose to hold onto the pain and grief in a way that would have closed my heart off to feeling love again. Bitterness would have taken full root and as it would have grown and filled my heart I would have turned my back on the ability to smile and my world would have never felt the warmth of light.

I know full well that choosing the path of forgiveness ultimately defined the course of our lives for the better- and it opened the door for new life to happen again. Chip and I will tell you that choosing to forgive didn't happen to us both in the same way. But we would also tell you that choosing forgiveness was the best way for both of us. Without it we never would have found love in each other again. Our ability to say the words and live them to be true actually made it possible for us to bring Bella and Ava and Crew and Teague into our hearts and lives. They are real life gifts and blessings born out of our ability to choose forgiveness and love again. They are reminders to me each day that forgiveness DOES lead to beautiful things- even as miraculous as new birth- new life.

Forgiveness released us from the hold our pain had on us- physically, mentally and emotionally. I believe that if we had held onto the reality of how unfair what happened to us truly was, we would have let that affect our ability to heal. What I mean by that is that I know I would have not driven Wyndham to therapy/rehabilitation as often as we have had to do for 10 years. I would have used my hurt and the wrong done to us to justify my wallowing in pity and that is just one way it would have manifested itself. Forgiveness has given us a freedom to define ourselves and find new joys and happiness in life, rather than letting our hurt be the focus of all our days. We have certainly never forgotten what happened to us or to Teagan or to Peggy, nor have we ever given Cindy and excuse for her actions that day. But that one day has not been the central focus of our lives since then. It has affected us and will forever affect us- but it doesn't define us. I don't think that people see us out and about in our daily lives and think to themselves, "oh, those sad, heartbroken people are the family from that Old Depot tragedy". No, I think that thankfully and to God be all the credit, that most of the time people would be hard-pressed to look at us and see the hurt and things we have lived through. Most of the time we 'look pretty normal'. =) And I say that meaning we are just as crazy as the next family of 6 kids eating out or going to church, as you see in the picture above. We yell at our kids to hurry up and pick up and get to bed and be nice to each other, yes. We also laugh together and celebrate Coke Float Day together and we take pictures of blowing bubbles and eating cake and we go to the circus and we bring Wyndham to and from countless therapy appointments and to doctor visits and we watch SpongeBob together and we eat pizza and we go to the library and we dress up and hug each other and joke together and sing and we have dreams for the future too. We LIVE! We live beyond the walls of our home. We live with the windows open and the light shines in and we breathe fresh air and we dance in the rain from time to time too.

Forgiveness has enlarged our lives. It has made me want to see beauty in life again. It has given us Hope for the future. It has shown us how lucky we are in spite of everything. It has made a way for us to live through our hurts and beyond them too. I do not take credit for the ability to forgive. It comes only through the Him who has forgiven me. He has first given me life, and through His life I have been made free. Forgiveness has never been about Chip or me or our ability to say "we forgive you" to Cindy. But it has been about realizing what Christ did for us, recognizing that we did nothing to earn His love and forgiveness, and out of that we have accepted that we now have the ability and the command from Him to love others as we have been loved.

When you truly understand that forgiveness comes from Him and it is a free gift- sharing it with others is actually an easy decision. It's not easy to do. But it is the obvious and right thing to do. In the end, it changes everything. It changes everything for the better.

{If you would like to watch Oprah's Lifeclass: The Power of Forgiveness you may click here to watch the webcast.}

Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days...

Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days. Not counting Leap Years. That's a whole lot of missing.
I know.
That's how long it's been since I last kissed my daughter, Teagan. That's how many days my heart has wished I could turn back the hands of time. That's the number of times I've awoke in the morning and wished my reality was just a bad dream from which I could awaken from.
A whole decade of letting that reality sink in still hasn't changed the clarity of my memories of "that day". The one where everything I had learned and believed up to that point in my life would be shaken and tested. Ten years have passed and my heart rate still jumps at certain sights, sounds, smells and those triggers bring me right back to that day. They are etched, as few other memories in my life are, in such detail and wrapped up in the greatest pain I have ever felt. Sometimes I close my eyes and start to bring them to mind and all these years later I still find I need to catch my breath as those pictures unfold in my memory.
The crash. The screams. The slow-motion of it all. The disbelief and unreal feeling feeling all too real. The sense of urgency outweighing the terror I felt creeping in. The horror I was trying not to let in just kept unfolding unlike any dream I could have ever dreamed on my own. The weight of Teagan's limp body in my arms as I carried her several paces and then realized I had no where to go so I stopped and laid her down. That's the part when it all began to seem achingly real.
I kept hearing myself say, "Oh God... oh, God... oh, God... please."
Please, what?
Please, help. Please, NO! Please don't let this be us... just please, oh, please!
But it was us. And them.
And.
Her.
* * *
There is a story in the Bible where someone asks Jesus how many times must you forgive someone when they sin against you. One time? Two? Three? Seven?
Jesus' reply is "Not seven times, but seventy times seven."
Four hundred and ninety times.
That's an awful lot of forgiveness.
I used to wonder (as a young girl growing up as a Pastor's kid and hearing these stories often) why would Jesus pick some a random, big, crazy number? I used to think it was way too much. Who would ever need to forgive someone that many times... 490 times?
I certainly never dreamed it would be me. Moreover, I most certainly never dreamed that not only would I have to choose to forgive seventy times seven, but even hundreds more times than that.
Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty times. In just the first 10 years alone.
Forgiveness is a choice. I choose daily to forgive.
But I must confess and be truthful too and tell you that sometimes I fail. Some days I have desired forgiveness in my heart and soul, yet I have fallen short in living it out in the actions of my life that day. I have claimed forgiveness to be so, but it hasn't always been true in the thoughts of my mind. I have even "fought it" on particularly tough days that simply haven't felt fair for me to forgive. There have been lots of tough days over the past 10 years. There have been lots of days where I have felt life to be unfair.
But it isn't my place to decide when or why or how or where. As much as I would like to choose which days I can forgive fully and which days I can just skip that part, I know I am not the one who gets to decide. I am not the one chosen to hand out the punishment or sentence. I was chosen for something else. I am asked to forgive out of the overflow of forgiveness given to me. I am asked to show mercy where none is deserved. I have been shown grace and in such an act given to me even when I was less than, I am changed and now I know it is grace that I can extend to another who is less than too.
Ten years ago I was "doing everything right". I was a middle-class, tax-paying, home-keeping, church-going, hard-working wife and mom to three young kids who just happened to sit down around a table at a restaurant with my family in hopes of simply enjoying a simple Sunday brunch together. However, the actions of another forever changed the way I now look at life.
I wish I could say that my scars have healed and that we've blossomed into a family that lives life to the fullest and has learned to leave our worries behind.
The fact is that 10 years later I still feel an ache inside on a lot of days. Sometimes I even mutter the words, "I forgive you" outloud just to try to make myself believe that truth and hopefully feel it a bit more clearly inside. I know I have forgiven. I have claimed it over and over and I do feel it has changed the way I live. But it is still oftentimes a conscious choice- or should I say a surrender on my part to claim that forgiveness. I'll even admit that it's still a lesson I wish I never had to learn. Yet it seems to be the life lesson I've needed most.
I am nothing.
Teagan was nothing.
The one who turned our lives upside-down is nothing.
We all are nothing.
Without Him.
Without His Grace.
Without His Forgiveness. Without His love and mercy and compassion and healing.
I choose to believe that His ways are not my ways; His are higher and perfect and Just.
Good even.
Even when I don't feel it. Even when I have to pick up my cross daily and claim it to be true.
I will.
For 10 years I have.
It hasn't always been easy. Or nice. Or pretty.
Or wrought with showers of blessings- as the old hymn says.
I'll be honest.
It hurts.
A lot of days it still hurts.
Teagan was my light~ my delight~ she was irreplaceable and there is still a void in my heart and forever will bein my life where I feel she should be. Where I miss everything about her.
Wyndham too is a daily reminder of the most hurtful day of our lives as we continue to watch her struggle to do many of the "normal" things others can do. We see her suffer pains in her life that many will never know. With each diaper change and never-ending trips to and from therapy sessions we are reminded that some hurts will never go away. We have learned to live with them.
Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days ago the sky was blue, the sun was shining down and somehow our lives suddenly erupted with chaos all around.
Ten years later we've "righted" a lot of things. We've learned to laugh through our tears. We've learned to hold on to even the tiniest threads of hope at times. We've chosen to forgive and to live that and truly mean it- not simply mouth the words. We've healed more than we could have imagined we could or would- both inside and out. We've loved again. We've believed in brighter days. We've brought more kids into the world that at times felt empty and dark. We've witnessed happiness and beauty and joy and miracles.
We have walked a long, winding, twisted path that still doesn't always seem like the path to be on, but we know that faith sometimes asks us to walk places we would rather not go. Faith often means we must take the next step no matter what lies around the next turn. It means being willing to trust, simply because we know and believe in the One who is leading- He can be trusted.
Ten years of remembering. Of missing. Of wishing it all different. Of wanting things to never change from the way they were. Ten years of tears that feel like they'll never stop- then finding moments of joy in the midst of them. Ten years of forgiving and hoping and believing that it makes a difference. In us. In her. In anyone who wonders if it even does make a difference in life to forgive.
The answer is yes. It does. It can. It will.
If you allow it to.
I'll never stop remembering Teagan. I'll never stop missing her. I'll never stop loving her. Or telling stories about her to anyone that is willing to listen. I'll never stop wanting to live life more fully because of her. She is and always will be thelove of my heart.
I forgive, not because of her, but because of Him.
I follow- because He is faithful.
I believe- because He promises to make all things new.
I hope- because He gives mercy.
I am changed, not because of one day in my life, but because of what He did one day for me. I am changed because of who HE is. I still give Him the broken, messed up pieces of my heart and life and trust that even as He redeems the brokeness that it's not for my sake.
But for His glory.
As I think back to the horror of that day- July 29th, 2001- it's scary and terrifying and ugly and gloomy and filled with despair. Yet somehow God has brought good out of it. Even when I don't notice the goodness. Sometimes it's hard to see it very often; that's been especially true in our lives the past several months. But looking back has made me realize just how great God is. I still have a whole future of choosing forgiveness and giving our hurts and challenges to Him.
I know, without a doubt, as I have had 10 years- three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days- of daily reminders that He is seeing us through! Today I pause to reflect and to humbly give thanks to God for bringing us this far.

Faltering.

This is one of those posts. The kind where I just lay it all out there- the stuff that's been heavy on my heart and mind for the past week. The photo above is of Wyndham's feet. She has traded her pink casts in for these ankle-foot orthotics {otherwise known as afo's}. I will use the term afo's in the future, just so you know what that means. Wyndham has worn afo's in the past, but never before have they been so big, bulky, thick or as unflexible as these. She is required to be in them 24/7- only having them removed for showering. They are basically keeping her foot in alignment and giving her feet high arch support. When we asked how long she will be wearing these at her doctor appointment a week ago we were told likely indefinitely, but at least 6-12 months. There could be revisions done for growth or other needs along the way, but this is it- these are the supports Wyndham has to learn to walk right now.
Needless to say, Chip and I left very disheartened for Wyndham after all her patience with her casts the past 2 months. She has been about as easy-going as we could ever expect her to be given her circumstances. I have nothing but admiration for her attitude through this whole experience.
Which is in part why it is hard to see what has to go through now. I will be totally honest here. I have been mad, angry, discouraged, frustrated, immature, unreasonable, stressed out, and a whole host of other not-so-nice things as a result of this surgery and recovery the past 2 months. I ended up pouring out a lot of my feelings in a letter to my sister last week and here's just a portion of that- because it was raw and real and part of me still feels this way. Here is, in part, what I had to say:

I am tired of facing each day knowing it brings more struggles and no matter how hard I try to look for it or create the joy just seems to have vanished from life. That's the truth of where I am at right now. The day before Thanksgiving.
I feel like the most pathetic person on earth. The bitterness that is taking root in my heart seems like the only thing that's thriving in life right now. I don't feel like 'fighting' for something better anymore. I really hope you can pray for me because I'm not sure I know what to say or if the prayers of my heart can even be answered right now.
Wyndham was fitted yesterday for some ankle-foot orthotics that are hard plastic and go from the whole bottom of her foot up to her mid-calf. Now after 2 months in casts she's supposed to relearn to walk in them and wear them 24/7 for 6 months to a year or more. That means she will be in knee socks and tennis shoes and even sleeping in socks and these supports... and that is where my anger and frustrations lie right now. All I can think is this-UNFAIR! I am already thinking of how she can't go to the beach and put her feet in the sand. I am thinking of how hard it will be to not bend her foot as she attempts to walk. I am thinking of how much she has had to take in this life and now, instead of some sort of reward for her patience and endurance, she is getting dumped on once again. I admit it, I am angry for her. I know she will overcome the obstacles placed before her but I am disgusted and down-trodden that this has become her lot in life. I am tired of seeing her rise to the occasion only to get knocked down time and time again.I t just doesn't seem fair.
I am tired of having to support her and watch her struggle. I wish I could just take on all her pain and challenges and make them my own. It hurts me so deeply to see her never able to reach her full potential because of the path her life has been forced to take.I am sorry to say when I look in the mirror of my life I don't like a whole lot of any of it right now. I know I have been optimistic and hopeful for a long, long time, but I feel like I've finally had enough. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'll admit it, I am struggling with what I am feeling inside right now. I know there are blessings in my life and things could always be worse. I do have a pocket of gratitude in my heart somewhere, but honestly I don't feel like wearing it right now. The hurt of everything in my life over nearly the past 10 years has surfaced all at once the past 2 months and I am ready to sit and wallow in that hurt. Wyndham's daily struggles have become, dare I say, a 'visual reminder' of the pain I feel from Teagan's death and a constant roadblock to experiencing happiness.
Wow.
That's a lot for me to unload all at once.
What are your therapy fees?! =)
I know you can't change a thing for me- for Wyndham- for all of us, but I do appreciate that you would listen and care. I hope life starts proving me wrong and I hope that some glimmer of goodness starts glowing in life again too. I don't know how or why we've been dealt this hand that we've been given. But I do want to find my place back to believing that it's worth the struggle and to keep pressing on. Thanks for being in my corner when I need you. Thanks for praying our family through yet again. I hope you have many reasons to give thanks this year.
I'll look around and try to find my rose-colored glasses for tomorrow.
And if for some reason I find them, I might just start wearing them like Wyndham has to wear her afo's... 24/7.

* * * * *
I have been thinking so much about life's pain and hurt and challenges and I'll admit another thing. Sometimes I wish our "suffering" didn't have a name. Meaning, I get frustrated knowing that there is a person responsible for what Wyndham has to go through and has gone through for almost her whole life. I have been dealing with anger inside knowing that Wyndham's life challenges will follow her all her days, while the one responsible for her disablilities will walk away from her 'sentence next summer'. That reality has been dragging me down and while I still believe in my heart that forgiveness has been given and claimed in this situation, I am having to remind myself of that day after day. It's not an easy thing and I feel like my faith is sort of being chipped away at a little bit more with each new challenge our family has had to take on. Sometimes I think it would be 'easier' if all this just happened randomly- or accidentally- rather than intentionally, and that is proving yet another challenge to my faith.
So while Wyndham is still in her wheelchair all day long and has yet to take a step, I feel like I am the one with my feet bound and the one needing to learn to walk all over again.
Our family continues to be so encouraged by many of you who email and send notes on FB and pray for all we have gone through and continue to go through. We did have a very nice Thanksgiving with Chip's parents here with us. We DO have much to be thankful for and I am trying hard to not look too far into the future, but instead just focus on what the needs are in front of us one day at a time. I know that Wyndham has the fight in her to get back on her feet and walk again... I just feel like I'm not her best support system anymore and she deserves nothing less than the best right now. So, please feel free to keep praying her through this and to pray that I will find a way to lift my eyes and heart up even though it's an enormous task to look on and cheer her forward.
I am hoping to falter less and to triumph more.
And should I fail and stumble and fall, I am grateful to my family, friends, and God for giving me another chance to get back up. I've never claimed to be a superhero, or even a person of superfaith. It's in these times of trials that that is so evident to me. I am nothing on my own and I would have fallen apart by now. But thankfully God is rich in mercy and strength and He continues to hold me up and see us through. If anything good can come from Wyndham's suffering, it is this: it makes me believe more and more in God and His ways. Even when I can't see one step in front of me. I am humbled to know God has it all in His control.

Nitty.Gritty. On Air.

Today is a new day. Thank goodness! Chip's parents have been with visiting us and being entertained by the grandkids since last Friday night. It should have been all fun and games. Except that we passed on the stomach flu to them shortly after they arrived and it just wasn't as much fun as we had hoped we would all have together. We attempted to make the most of it and did manage some laughter and smiles as much as could be squeezed in between our recovering family and their need for rest and everybody's lack of appetite.
Today happens to be Brock's birthday! He is 11 years old and woke up with a grin on his face. He requested these rainbow pancakes for dinner tonight and I have no doubt they will brighten up mealtime this evening. His party is planned for a little bit later this month and hopefully I will remember how to take pictures of the event- it's been so long since we've had the camera on, which is very unusual for me. Time to get back into the groove!
Speaking of groove...
I am hoping to hit mine by 2 pm eastern time today as I will be calling in and sharing some of my heart and life experiences on The Well Radio program. You can listen live by following this link and then click the 'listen' tab. I don't know if I will have anything profound or life-changing to say on-air, but I am honored to be able to share a bit of what God has done and continues to do in our family's lives and hope that God is glorified- as He is the Author of it all. I will be sharing about our loss of Teagan and the importance of forgiveness, and even talking about how suffering has softened my heart and changed my perspective in life. I know if nothing else, I will be preaching a bit to myself and reminding me to trust God no matter what lies ahead!
The host of the show is my blogger friend, Adrienne Graves, and I encourage you to check out her blog and see what God has been doing in her life story too. We've never met in real life, but I am so grateful for her support and friendship through cyberspace. I'm excited to chat with her on the show today and I hope some of you get the chance to listen!
Laundry.
Radio show.
Rainbow pancakes.
Mellow birthday celebration.
It looks like things are getting back to normal around here.
And it feels good!
Happy Birthday, Brock... You are such a great big brother, a good friend to many and you are loved more than you know. Here's to a having a terrific year being eleven! Hope some of your wishes come true too!

So not perfect.

I've had a rough week all week fighting a terrible cold and headaches too. Today is the first day that I felt I was functioning at about 90% capacity. It's no fun being so wiped out and still feel like you have demands that need to be met and no energy or desire to do anything.
I think I may have brought some of this sickness on myself because if I look back on last week I was in a downward spiral. It got so bad that at one point a conversation that Chip and I had turned into me raising my voice and saying things that I didn't mean as he and the kids were getting ready to head out the door for school. It wasn't a big fight or anything- more me being hormonal and having a pity-party about some of the ongoing issues we face each day of our lives- but by the time Chip was backing his SUV out of the driveway I was wishing I could start the whole morning over again.
Since I had no way of making that happen, I decided to drag my pity-party out a little bit longer. As I was sitting around for most of my morning I think that's when I started to let this nasty cold creep in. I just didn't know it yet. Anyway, I did finally reach that point where when I looked in the mirror I didn't like anything looking back at me. And that's when I knew I had a choice to make. While I couldn't start my day over or change some of the frustrating issues in our lives I did have the power to put a different spin on the way the day would turn out. I didn't want my kids to come home and just hear me say the words, "I'm sorry". I wanted them to know that I was really, truly sorry and give them a chance to "see it and taste" it too.
So I apologized to them with chocolate frosted brownies. I had the pan of brownies waiting on the table for their school snack when they came it. They could smell them as soon as they walked in and right away- rather than remembering my actions as they left the house, they were greeted with a new aroma and the mood felt different as soon as they came inside.
They were all very forgiving to me as I explained to them why we were having brownies and asked them for forgiveness. My outburst that morning was quickly a distant memory compared to the yummy treat in front of them.
I am so far from perfect it's not even funny or fun some days for me or anyone else. I am still a work in progress as I seek to be more loving, kind and Christ-like on this road to eternity that we're all on. I don't always fail in such big, obvious ways like I did with my meltdown last week, but there's not a day that passes in which I couldn't strive to be more.
It's sad and difficult to have to admit that I'm as a big a failure as I am sometimes. However, I am grateful that I am growing in humility and also that God gave me the grace and insight to take this experience and turn it into a teachable and hopefully memorable situation for my kids. I hope they learned that it's not okay to be so selfish and sorry for yourself that you say hurtful things to other people as a result. I hope they learned that it is okay to have a bad day, but more importantly it's better to try to salvage the day and make the most of it however you can. Even if it means you have to apologize in chocolate.
I am learning that I have a long way to go before I'm perfect. I am lucky to be surrounded by people that love me despite my flaws and shortcomings and who forgive me easily even when I don't deserve such a response from them. I am thankful for brownies and white chocolate chips that helped express my remorse.

As the kids finished their snack I said to them, "Maybe it wasn't so bad that I got mad and said things I didn't mean to say because we all got brownies treats out of the deal. Who thinks I should get mad more often?" To which one of my kids said, "How about next time instead of getting mad you just make brownies because you're happy?!"
I think that's a much, MUCH better idea and I am happy to oblige their request.

Hoax or not...

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and encouragement to me and my family this week. You are all very much appreciated. With that said though, I do have to share a few more thoughts on my heart as we mark another annivesary since Teagan's death. It's about faith.
I remarked in my previous post that if there were nothing more to this life beyond what we can see here, for people like our family and most everybody in this life who suffers pain and loss, life would be nothing but a cruel hoax. Without the hope of a 'hereafter', living would be moment to moment agony- yielding anger and bitterness and despair.
Believe me, I've been in the midst of some of that stuff and it's ugly and hurts to be there. But it does come to dare I say all of us at some point in time. It comes packaged differently, but still hits us regardless of who or where we are. Click on any of the sidebar links on this blog to see how it is hitting some others in life right now...from cancer to the edge of death. It comes in all shapes and sizes!
I've had a lot of time to think about my faith, to question my faith, to wonder if it's "for real" or not. You may wonder the same thing. You may question if faith even matters. I have come to believe that it does matter and it is for real. There is more to this life than that which can see or touch.
But let's just say that there isn't anything beyond this realm in which we live. Would I still cling to this 'idea' of faith? I say with all my being, "yes". Do you want to know why? Thanks for asking! =) I think believing in something bigger than that which we can see allows us to live in spite of our circumstances. For Chip and me, having a faith that Teagan is in Heaven and believing in the hope of seeing her again someday was one of the biggest driving forces in allowing us to move beyond our grief. Our faith in God has given us a foundation on which to rebuild the brokeness of our hearts and lives. It not only offers us peace and hope in a time of overwhelming uncertainty and anxiety, but it gave us the ability to do even more than that and extend forgiveness against a horrific injustice. It has also given us the grace to want to live with joy and happiness again despite our pain and grief.
I truly believe in God and His promise and hope of eternity. Not just because it says so in the Bible, but because I have felt it in my own heart and been filled with a sense of peace at the most unpeaceful of times in life. I used to think that having a deep-rooted faith meant I would follow a list of do's and don'ts as spelled out in the Bible. I now believe that having a deep-rooted faith is so much more than that. It allows us to live above and beyond what life sends our way. It gives us peace in the storms, rest when we're weary, strength when we're weak, and Hope when all is desperate. It is amazing and real.
So even if it were a hoax and someone made up the idea of Heaven just to have something 'nice' to look forward to, well, I am happy to believe it that anyway. Because it has changed my life. I believe it's real with all my heart though. And, if you ask me, that makes all the difference in the world.
I wouldn't blog if it weren't for my faith. I wouldn't take pictures of my family smiling at the carnival as they're about to share an elephant ear. I wouldn't want the woman who killed Teagan and Peggy to get out of jail in two years and have the chance to rebuild and live a beautiful life. I truly can't imagine where I would be if I didn't have faith.
The fact of the matter is, I don't really like to even think about that. It's not a pretty picture to imagine life without hope and mercy and grace. Thankfully, because of who God is and his redemption I never have to think about it and I never will. As much as I love a good joke, I'm so glad He is a God of love rather than a God of hoaxes. I'm so glad I have real reason to smile, seek Joy and have Hope. No matter what comes my way!
Edited to include:
Okay. I was just thinking about some recent family activites and how my life truly is so full and blessed. It never ceases to amaze me how much God has healed us and continues to from day to day, year after year. I have so much to be grateful for. I have countless reasons to sing His praises.
Which is what we did for a few short moments in church this past Sunday. The worship leader invited anyone who felt led to finish this sentence: "God is great because ______________."
It was a really wonderful and powerful thing to listen to random reasons why God is great. And no one deserves our praise and thanks more than He! SO, my thoughts just now were to do that here on the blog. Why not?! God has been SO faithful and good to me, and I know He has done things in your lives and people around you too! I think it would be amazing and such a tribute to God if we were to list or share short stories in the comments here telling why God is so great. I'll even start. You don't even have to log in or leave your name. Feel free to come back as often as you like and share more reasons and brag on God! I can't wait to read through all the ways God is showing up and in turn give Him praise and honor for being good to us.
SO, tell me, how would you fill in the blank: "God is great because..."

Majesty (Here I Am)
Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man [one]
Covered by the blood of the Lamb
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in Your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love
In the presence of Your Majesty
Here I am humbled by the love that You give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm Your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Written by Martin Smith and Stuart Garrard© 2004 Curious? Music

I was touched by the lyrics and music of this worship song in church today. I thought that maybe just by reading through the words someone else might be touched here as well. Or click this link to listen to it 'live'. God is constantly amazing me with His grace, mercy and love. I find the more I realize that and soak in that reality, the more I wamt to share it with others.
If God isn't the desire of your heart, my prayer is that He will become the longing in your soul and that you will seek Him and find He satisfies!

Life lessons from lemon bars...

"When life gives you lemons, make lemon bars."
This is my new saying. =) There is a pan of lemon bars cooling on my stove right now. I made myself a little coconut latte to sip along with them too. I wish I could have you join me on my deck for a lemon bar and a cool drink right now. My thoughts would probably make more sense in person...and this is going to be one of 'those posts'. I can tell that much already. =)
But I would rather risk offending someone or being misunderstood than to not share what's on my heart. That's just the way I am. Before I get into my 'deep thoughts' I have to tell you that you can click on the ingredients and directions to see those pictures enlarged enough to get my lemon bar recipe. I use one from Cooking Light and they turn out delicious everytime. Like I said...I wish you could join me right now for one. =)
I wasn't just baking this morning as I pulled out the lemons and eggs from my fridge and prepared to make the mixture for the lemon bars, I was reflecting and thinking about how life does give us all lemons. As the old saying goes... It's true. We all have moments or even years, in which life just doesn't go our way. People and circumstances let us down. It's a fact of life- we all live in a broken, sinful world. Hurt isn't something we can escape- whether we bring it upon ourselves by our own choices and actions, or whether it comes from another source- natural disasters or other people or sometimes a combination of all of them. Bad stuff happens.
I stood in my kitchen just moments ago and realized that it doesn't matter what kind of lemons you get, or how many, or for how long, but it really is all about what you do with the fruit when it comes your way.
I couldn't help but feel blessed as I zested my lemons today and smelled the tang of the peel and felt the bursts of the juice as it lightly sprayed from the peel each time the grate pulled at the skin. I felt blessed as I squeezed out the juice and as I whipped the eggs til they were frothy. I realized how blessed I felt as I opened my warm oven to pull out the partially baked, golden crust. It felt almost spiritual to me- to recognize with all my senses through something so simple as lemon bars- just how blessed I am.
It was at this same time that my thoughts turned to the person in my life who has been most responsible for 'handing me lemons'...the woman responsible for killing Teagan and Peggy on that fateful day in July 2001, and altering so many other lives, physically and emotionally, for the past several years. I was struck with how time and soul-searching and years of trying to 'make something out of my lemons' and leaning on God every step of the way has truly changed me and softened me and made me look at life so differently.
When Chip and I were on the Oprah show sharing our story and telling of our forgiveness toward this woman, Cindy, Oprah asked us, "How do you get to this place?" ['place' here meaning the point of forgiveness]. I remember sort of wondering that same thing myself, because I was still having nightmares all the time and I was still dealing with muscle/nerve damage in my back and legs. Brock was still having panic attacks and not eating at a table- or many times, not eating at all, because for him it was too hard- it brought back too many memories and he feared something bad would happen again. Just from sitting at a table to eat.
At that time, we had no idea what Wyndham's future looked like. She was not growing physically and each time she got a cold or flu meant for her, an extended stay back in the hospital as she had little immune system or strength to fight sickness on her own. Chip still bore scars from facial cuts, three different chest tubes, and basically had just spent a whole winter trying to heal his broken ribs and gain his strength back. We were still a mess in many ways.
Yet we made statements of forgiveness and just knew that God would sustain us through our deep sorrows and grief. I know that God is the one who gave us the ability in our hearts to find and offer forgiveness to Cindy. We accepted what had happened and hoped she would find it within her own heart to seek God's love, mercy and grace.
When the next Oprah guest appeared on the stage (a woman who had been beaten and left for dead), Oprah asked her, "If you could invite your perpetraitor over for dinner, you would do so?", to which this victim answered "yes...I would invite him over for dinner". I remember then and have thought about that statement so many times during the past 6 years. I have never felt as though I could invite Cindy into my home and truth be told, there have been many times that I have told Chip, "I wish I could just go to the jail and cook a few meals for her or torment her a bit- just to give her a small taste of what she's done to us". So, while I have said I offered forgiveness, and I truly believe I have forgiven her in my heart, I don't always think I have doneso in my head. I have prayed many, many times for Cindy to want to come out of this situation a better person...I have asked God to show up in her life and change her hardened heart. {She has never apologized to any of the victims she hurt that day...she has never shown any remorse.} I think I have done an okay job of moving on beyond the hurt and accepted that I can only control my actions beyond that day, and sometimes I have done a better job of that than others. I have made an effort to forgive everyday...but I don't know that it has ever felt 'automatic' or authentic.
Until today.
While I made lemon bars.
As I pulled them out of the oven and the scent and warmth filled my kitchen, I actually thought to myself, "I wish I could invite her over for lemon bars". It was the first time I have ever felt such a peace and such an empathy toward wanting to know her hurt. I don't know that she has a valid excuse for her actions that took the lives of Teagan and Peggy and brought so much devastation in one instant to so many others, but I do know that she and I both live in a broken world and we have to make choices of how to respond to that brokeness each and everyday. Today, I realized what a gift I have- to live 'free' and at peace and to know that even when bad things happen to me and others, that I can accept that God is in control.
It's not up to me to make things right. It's not my battle to fight- but His [God's]. He only asks that I take what I've been given and do my best to make it into something. I choose to make it into something good and beautiful and hope that in so doing, I not only make life a little more blessed for my husband and kids, but also, in my own heart, I begin to grow more in love and grace- which hopefully spills over into the lives of everyone around me.
I am humbled and broken today as I think of all the wrongs in this world- not just those that have touched my family, but the suffering and hurt of everyone in this world. There are broken relationships and sickness and disease and war and pain of every kind in the lives of every single person. I wish that we could all see that to seek revenge only brings more hurt and destruction. I wish we could all realize that by forgiving ourselves and others, we stamp out bitterness and hate. I wish that we could begin to enter in to the hurt of one another in order to understand and grow and become better- more fully healed and restored to the way God originally designed and created us to be. I wish for me and for you to know that there is Hope and Joy and Beauty and Goodness in this world. No matter how many lemons we are dealt; no matter what shape or form they come to us. They can be turned into something simple...and amazing all at the same time. It's a matter choosing God and seeing the world through His heart.

Music and warm cookies.

I have had several inquiries about the first song on my playlist here at my blog. It's titled "Amazing Grace (My chains are gone)" and it's by music artist Chris Tomlin. You can see a video of the song by following the link here.
I have loved it since the first time I heard it. The music and melody just speak to my heart each and everytime it plays. I have been brought to tears by this song more than once. And if you know me well at all, you know I'm not typically a 'crier'.
Today when I loaded the girls into the van to go pick Brock up from school, I grabbed a couple of fresh baked chocolate chip/m&m cookies and wrapped them in a napkin so that he would have warm cookies for the short ride home, rather than having to wait until we got inside the house. It was a small gesture, but one that was met with much gratitude and surprise. It garnered a "You're the best mom ever...I love you!" and to me that's what grace is to me.
It is something so undeserved, so thoughtful and incredible and unspeakable at times...but something that demands our attention and thought. God has poured out His grace through His son Jesus by sending him to earth as a baby in human form. That baby grew and was crucified, although blameless and without sin. He became sin for us that we might have a way to be justified to God. It was God's plan for redemption of all since Adam and Eve sinned. That is the message of grace. That we were loved and are loved, not because of anything we have done, but because of what Christ has done for us.
The more I grow in my relationship with Christ, the more amazing this grace is to me. For years I felt like following God was about things I could and couldn't do. It was though life were broken into categories for me- one list was the 'bad stuff' and another was a list of things that were okay. And of course, I went through that phase where there was nothing more exciting than wanting to 'push the boundaries' of those lists and really challenge myself to see how close I could get to something on the 'bad list' without actually 'breaking a rule'.
But as I've grown in my understanding of who God is and His desires for my life and recognizing what it truly means to be redeemed and 'set free', I no longer see life as good and bad, but rather I seek to do things that will draw me closer to God and allow me to become more of who He has created and wants me to be.
It is that freedom in which I live and find peace and Joy each day. My 'chains' are gone as I no longer feel as though I am choosing good over bad, and really most 'bad things' in this world no longer appeal to me. I don't say this to sound like a snob or a goody-two shoes, but I say it humbly and as one who truly understands that I do not deserve grace and mercy. I deserve death and punishment, and because of what Christ did for me, I now live with the hope of Heaven and with a peace that my sins are forgiven.
I live knowing I am loved- even though I am a sinner. It makes me want to do good. All the time. It makes me want to tell others that this gift of 'freedom from life's bondage' and redemption is available to whoever wants it in their life. I have been shown love and mercy and now I live my life hoping that will spill forth from me too.
It's like those cookies.
I didn't have to make them, but I love my kids and sometimes I do things to 'bless them'- not because of anything they've done to deserve such treats, but simply because I love them. My hope is that someone who needs love- whether through my words or actions or simply through some other way that God can use me- His broken tool- will be touched and find His grace. It's amazing and free. And it's better than any this world has to offer. I thank God everyday for reaching down and 'rescuing' me.

My favorite things to soak in...

One of them is the Twisted Peppermint body wash from Bath & Body Works. It is refreshing and I just love the scent of mint this time of year. I use the lotion everyday too. Mmmm. Another one of my favorite things to soak in is truth. I heard this song on the radio today and just stopped, closed my eyes and soaked up the truths it speaks of. Here is the link to a short demo of the song. Here are the words...

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! – who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save:
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied –
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine –
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
‘Til He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand!

There are people in my life- some I know, some I only 'know' through blogs and online connections, but I sense that they need some spiritual food. This is a small taste of what I try to understand and accept and to live out in my own life. That when it comes down to it, nothing really matters in life except for who I am in Christ. It is the driving force in many of things I say and do from day to day, and I say 'many'- not all- because I am human, and I fail all the time at living in light of all that Christ has done in and through me.
I thank Him for the gift of forgiveness- not only the forgiveness I have in Him when I accepted that He died on the cross for my sin and paid MY debt on the cross...but also for the forgiveness that He has allowed me to offer other people who have 'wronged' and hurt me in my own life. Without Christ I would not be who I am. Plain and simple.
At this time of year it becomes crystal clear to me all over again- the picture of God sending His Son to earth, in the form of a baby, that He might experience all that we do as humans, but instead of living like one of us, He lived blamelessly and took all our sin and shame on Himself and conquered death that we might have a way to Heaven. It's this gift of salvation- accepting what He did for our sin and believing that God is who He says He is- that has changed my life and continues to impact the way I live.
I hope and pray that anyone who needs this free gift of Hope, Peace, and Assurance of salvation will simply whisper to God that they want Him to change their life too. It is the best gift ever.

Sharing my heart...

I grew up learning and singing and loving music and songs- especially those that seemed to say what my heart couldn't express on its own. Today, during my morning quiet time and devotion several songs came to mind as they often do. It happens to me throughout my days and weeks; today I decided to share the words of the song that keeps playing over in my heart and mind today. Maybe someone else needs to be blessed through them. That is why I blog sometimes- to share the overflow of the blessings of my heart.
Thank you Lord, for all that you have done for me though I deserve nothing. Thank you for your love, your grace, your mercy, your discipline, your gift of salvation and the assurance I have and the Hope I claim. You came to this earth; you took on the form of man and became sin for me so that I might be redeemed through the blood You shed on the cross. For this- the cleansing, the redeeming and the freedom in which I now live I long to give my life back to you fully. In all I say and do may I give glory to You...the One whom my heart loves. Amen.

This is my heart's cry today...an old hymn written by Philip P. Bliss
I will sing of my Redeemer, And His wondrous love to me;
On the cruel cross He suffered, From the curse to set me free.
Refrain
Sing, oh sing, of my Redeemer,With His blood, He purchased me.
On the cross, He sealed my pardon;
Paid the debt, and made me free.
I will tell the wondrous story, How my lost estate to save,
In His boundless love and mercy, He the ransom freely gave.
Refrain
I will praise my dear Redeemer, His triumphant power I’ll tell,
How the victory He giveth, Over sin, and death, and hell.
Refrain
I will sing of my Redeemer, And His heav’nly love to me;
He from death to life hath brought me, Son of God with Him to be.
Refrain

All or nothing.

Faith. It has been the one thing in my life that is both the hardest and easiest thing to understand. It has been the most challenging thing to put into practice, and yet it has been the one source of constant security too.
I believe in the Bible as God's Word to us, as people living in a sinful, fallen world. Many times people have asked Chip and I how we 'do it'...meaning how do we live with hurt and grief and have such peace and happiness in life. We have one answer- our faith in God and the commands and promises we claim through God's word.
Forgiveness toward the one who claimed Teagan's and Peggy's lives and altered so many others that tragic day in July '01 isn't easy. But it is a command throughout Scriptures...Jesus said, "love your enemies"...."forgive as I have forgiven you"..."be kind and compassionate to one another". There are more verses like these. Words that are hard to live out- to put into practice sometimes, but true nonetheless.
Our faith gives us hope and comfort and promises us a future where all our trials will make sense. It is this Hope of Heaven and eternity with God that makes the pains of our life bearable. One of the things that has been a driving force in our lives is the reality that we CAN trust God in ALL things.
I know it seems hard to believe, but I fully trust that God is who He claims to be- the Creator of this world; the Way, the Truth and the Life. He has promised that in this world "there will be suffering, but fear not, I have overcome this world". Even death. It is a choice to believe His words and it is a blessing to feel the peace and comfort that comes as a result of trusting in Him.
As Chip and I marked our 12th annivesary and were surrounded by family and friends and memories of where our lives began (including the yard where we were married, and some of the fondest final memories we have with Teagan in our lives) it was a reminder that we have grown and changed and become different people through the years. Life was good and full and held such promise for us. It was easy to live a life of faith that was hardly touched on any given day.
What we knew about God at that time....that He IS love, that He IS goodness, that He died to save us from our sinless state and offer us salvation and the promise of eternal life in Heaven with Him, was true then, but also is true today. We believed in His promises when life was going well. We have chosen to believe them in the hard times too.
While life has handed us circumstances that have been nearly overwhelming, they haven't changed God's love for us. They have made it hard to understand at times, but the choice to believe and trust is still there for us each day. I know from the outside some people have been amazed at the strength of our faith and the choices we have made and continue to make. To love God and to go on in life and seek happiness and joy in spite of heartache hasn't been easy. And yet it has. It's hard to explain, but really it is the one thing that sees us through. The good and the bad. The hurts and the blessings.
My faith is simple really. I see it as believing in God in everything or in nothing. Either He is who He says He is- or He's not. If He's not who He claims to be...if there is nothing more to this life than all we can see- well then life is a cruel and painful joke to our family. However, we have seen far too many 'coincidences' and felt an overwhelming sense of peace in our hearts, and the blessings that have come from our pain just keep flowing out of the choices we make. It seems to me that there IS more to this world than we can see. That's what faith is.
Believing in what we cannot see.
Even when it's hard.
Even when it doesn't make sense.
Even when the questions outnumber the answers.
Even when the future is unclear.
There is One who continues to make Himself known to us time and time again. It blows me away. It is humbling. It is amazing. It is unbelievable...and yet we believe.
To take credit for such faith and grace in life would be unfair. That's why I love to tell others about God and all He has done and continues to do in our lives. It is only because of Him that we are who we are. My hope and desire is that everyone who looks at us can see that. And hopefully it will inspire others to place their trust fully in Him. All or nothing. That's the best way I can explain my faith.

If life were as simple as Yahoo filters...

I have thought about this off and on. Wouldn't it be nice if we could have 'filters' in life, like those on my email inbox, which automatically send the 'junk' to it's own box?
In my own life I realize that I have control over some of the 'junk' that comes my way, and I believe that exercising these 'controls' is not only a sign of maturity and growth, but it helps me define my priorities and it is often just a 'good idea' in the ever-growing barage of information that comes at us on any given day.
I have said it before, that I rarely watch television...and in fact didn't even know that American Idol had it's season finale last night until about 12 minutes before it was over. {Chip had it on while he worked on his laptop...so I happened to catch the ending and feel like I am 'in-the-know' this morning simply because I crawled into bed at the precise moment last night. Just don't quiz me on any of the finalists names of this season beyond Jordan and Blake. =)} I admit that our tv is on a lot...SpongeBob, Dora, Tom & Jerry, Charlie and Lola...yeah, I need Yahoo filters in my life for lots of reasons. But beyond that, I have been thinking how what comes into our minds shapes us far more than we think sometimes, and really, I don't think we even know how much outside messages are getting in at the rate they do.
It hit me in one sense, when Bella and Wyndham received their character awards in preschool last Friday. It was so fun, for me as a mom of little ones, to watch those kids walk up and get their certificate and each of those preschoolers just beamed with pride. It really was a special moment. Later on however, when I asked to see Bella's certificate, the conversation went something like this:
Me: Bella, let me see your award.
Bella: What award?
Me: Your award for being loving.
Bella: I don't have an award for being loving.
Me: Yes you do....you're holding it. Let me see your certificate.
Bella: What's a certifi...kit?
Me: Sweetie. You just walked up during your program and when your teachers gave you that paper it was because they said you were so loving at preschool. They were proud of how you show your love each day.
Bella (looking at her certificate closely now): This says I'm loving? I won the award for love!
Me: Yeah. The teachers said you always are telling others you love them and you just love to give hugs and show your love- that paper is your certificate that tells us they picked love as one of your best qualities.
Bella: Yeah, that's because I always love everyone. I'm loving.
(As a side note, Bella has soaked this up, and has taken to telling everyone that she 'won the award for love'. She told Wyndham's therapists, the grocery store clerk, our mail lady, and I'm sure she'll be telling whoever else she comes in contact with next.) =)

It was so sweet to me, and for a few days now I can't stop thinking about that little character award and it's implications- not only in Bella's life, but in other ways too. First, I think it's so telling, that she (and probably most of the other children too) were so proud to walk up and recieve their certificates, and they all got applause when they did that...but that most of them probably didn't know what it was really for.
I was glad that I had that conversation with Bella, because I guess I had just assumed she knew what she was proud of at that moment. The fact was, she had no clue...and was simply happy with the recognition and applause. My explanation to her is what she really needed to have the reality of that certificate sink in for her.
It made me think of how many times I have done things in life, or simply looked for 'applause' and sought to be awarded, without really having anything to back that up. It happens far too often in this world, I'm afraid, and I see that so many people seek this stuff in life...but when they get it, it's empty and holds no meaning. They can have money, wealth, 'success'...but without truly having a sense of what they have achieved, it winds up feeling meaningless.
Another thing that I can't help think about is how many people have never been given 'character awards' in their lives, much less have them explained to them further. It made me happy to see Bella awarded 'love' and Wyndham awarded 'persistence', and I think their teachers were right on when they chose those character qualities to highlight in each of them. I saw how proud each kid was to have a few seconds to 'shine' in front of all the other classmates, teachers, parents and siblings. they felt special- and rightly they should.
I was happy to have the opportunity for my kids, to be told they were 'special', and to be encouraged and applauded for something positive that others see in them. But I'm also a realist, and my heart has been heavy for all the children of the world who have never or will never be given an opportunity such as this. I ache for them and the challenges that they have in life- through most often- no fault of their own. They simply have been born into their respective places, and sometimes those environments are daunting and wrought with only hardship and pain.
Some of these thoughts come from the series of messages our pastor has given on 'Justice & Mercy' in recent weeks. It has opened my eyes even wider, to how truly blessed and privileged I am in life. Other thoughts stem from the realization that God has been so good to me. I didn't choose my family and the love that I was raised in...I did 'choose my husband' in a sense, and I have been more than fortunate with our relationship and couldn't be happier much of the time with how we have grown and developed a solid foundation together through the past 11 and a half years. I can't take credit for a lot of the goodness that surrounded me the past 34 years, and that is where my heart feels such compassion for others. I know life isn't always fair. I know some people live day to day with the world 'against them' in so many ways. I hurt for people like that, and I know that I can't change the world- it's a fact that the world is a fallen, broken place because of sin. Bad stuff exists.
That's where the thought and dream of having Yahoo filters comes from. I realize we all have choices and can listen to lies and chase empty dreams, or get 'beat up' too many times that we finally succumb to that and just give up on ourselves. I just wish every child had the opportunity to hear and be praised for their good qualities- at least once as they grow up...and I can't help but think that maybe that would even be enough to give some kids hope in this increasingly sad world.
I think often, about the woman who was suicidal and hopeless, and as a result of this, killed Teagan and Peggy, and changed the lives of countless others forever. She has never shown remorse nor offered an apology to any of us affected by her actions. Even though Chip and I extended forgiveness and offered her hope, I still struggled with anger and the unfairness of it all for a long time. But, over the past few years, in drawing on my faith and praying and seeking God in the midst of my hurt, my heart has grown softer and I have found myself wishing for a 'do-over'. I do not know the past of this woman and what her life was like, but I do know that somewhere along her life's journey, she started to believe too many lies, and as it turns out, she developed a heart that felt nothing- for herself or others.
I am willing to bet that she never received a character award and likely heard a lot of negative things about herself through the years. My heart wishes that we could turn back time and, in not just her, but in so many other kids, and tell them the truth about themselves. That they ARE worth something, that they have potential, that they can grow and become the best person they can be if they work hard, ask for help, set goals, and seek God in their lives.
I am doing my part as a Mom, to care for my kids, to love them and praise them and let them know that they have value. I try to encourage and discipline and show them that life does have a lot to offer them. I am getting better at 'filtering out' the stuff that none of us needs to hear, and yet to not live a land of make-believe. It's a balance thing really, and I know I'm not perfect, but I am trying. I know that my heart is in the right place. I am thankful for all the privilege I have and I am looking for ways to share 'my wealth' with others.
Today, in your own life, I hope that you will stop and think about what things you can 'put a filter on' right now, and also, look for ways that you can lift up or encourage someone who needs a word of hope. I know I'm not as big as Yahoo...but I am still trying to do my part.

Strawberries and scrapping...

These pictures represent a snippet of my day. I thought I'd share a picture of one of the healthy snacks we ate, since I'm always sharing cupcakes and thoughts on Cheetos and such.

Tonight we had breakfast for dinner. It's been a weekly occurrence around here lately. But probably one of the healthiest meals that I can prepare that my kids actual eat! So, that's what I make...whole grain cinnamon swirl French toast, with low-fat sausage links or some other protein (once in awhile they will even eat veggie-meat...Chip's been doing that), with a side of fruit (tonight it was these red, juicy 99 cent berries) or sauteed apples, and milk.

I also baked zucchini bread today...so I'm feeling a little better about the Cheetos that we all downed yesterday. =)

Berries and Scrap In STyle TV. I'm doing some things that you will have to wait and see on May 15th when the website goes live. I can tell you that you will enjoy all of our headshots...among other things on this site. It's fun for me already...and we're still getting to know each other on the design team and as well as the 'brains' behind this place, and working out the kinks in the website itself...and it still is a blast!

I can't tell you much more than that, but whether or not you are a scrapper, you are going to want to check this place out in a few weeks.

By the way, I just want to say thanks to so many 'newcomers' for emails and comments the past couple of weeks. Ali Edwards linked my blog on hers, and some of you are still getting caught up on my posts from the past year or so. Thanks for your kind words. I've emailed a lot of you back...then I found some more emails in my bulk mail today (most of them had links or attachments...so if that's you, I may still be getting around to sending you a short note back), and I just wanted you to know I've read your notes and appreciated all your kind words. In addition, one of my 'Anonymous' commenters and I have share emails, and the apologies and forgiveness have been shared between us. I am so happy about that and the way that healing comes about when one person seeks forgiveness and another person extends it.

That is what the world needs in addition to healthy diets...healthy hearts and minds! It feels so good to have a 'clean slate'. =) I would encourage any of you reading, who is still holding onto anything against someone, to pray and ask for strength to forgive...and then actually do it. It isn't about giving up your anger or hurt. I still hurt everyday because Teagan was killed by a woman who shows no remorse. But my forgiveness toward her has given me the freedom to live my life without holding onto bitterness- which wouldn't hurt the woman who killed Teagan- but instead it would have destroyed MY heart.

I, truly, can't say enough about how forgiving allows your heart to heal and gives you a new take on life. Having an unforgiving spirit holds you back and keeps you from experiencing the fullness of joy you could have if you can only surrender that hurt. It'd not easy. I used to have to get up every morning and literally say the words, "I forgive, because Christ forgives me"...and then I had to live as though that were true. After awhile, it actually became my reality. My anger turned to sorrow and compassion, and I realized, that my words weren't just words, but I was living the truth of those words each day.

It's been a process, and a journey, but one that has changed my life for the better in ways I never could have dreamed. Simply by saying, then believing, and then living my life in that truth. Forgiveness heals your soul.