P.S. "I didn't even know I liked poached eggs until I met you."

Sometimes it's quite a struggle for me to balance the things I "have to do" and the "things I enjoy doing" from day to day. It's not that I don't like being a mom and staying home to care for my family. It is quite a blessing and privilege in my life to be able to do so. But I do struggle with days in a row where the routine-ness of it adds up and it can make me weary. Making meals, cleaning up, starting laundry, folding laundry and keeping tabs on kids' homework isn't always a thrill day in and day out. Especially so in the long winter months here in Michigan.
So I find myself very thankful to have my hobby and outlet in scrapbooking. I am on two different design teams {both Maya Road and Cocoa Daisy} and it is truly the creativity that I crave that keeps my spirits up at times. I wonder if my kids or anyone will care to look back on some of the photos, stories and things I've made years from now, but even if they don't I know that it has been fun for me. Just as some people sit and watch sports on tv or paint or do crossword puzzles or work out. Whatever it is that fills a certain point of happiness inside of you I think is an important part of life.
Even if it means you document things like how much you appreciate breakfast with your husband on occasion. =)
I am actually getting excited to do lots of picture-taking and memory-making when I get to join Chip for a weekend in Palm Springs, next week. He will be out there for some golf adventures, and I am meeting up with him to round out his week. The warmth and sunshine are high on my list of "things I think I will love about Palm Springs"! I know there will be some relaxation, good food, fun memories and hopefully some great scrap pages when I get home from the trip too!
I'll be sure to post some pictures of our trip- both on FB and Instagram too. So if you don't already connect with me in those places, feel free to send me a request!
I hope my phone has room for all the photos I plan to take!

Nine years later.

Today is the day. Nine years of blogging later, and a whole lot has changed since then. As one would expect life to change in close to a decade. I am one of the most resistant-to-change-persons that I know of, but looking back on some of the blogposts and the stories and photos that I shared makes me grateful for change though too.
Nine years ago blogging was not all that popular. I had found a few blogs online that I liked to read as often as they were updated- mainly crafting, inspiration type blogs. With an occasional stop over to Dooce's blog, because honestly I liked her sarcasm and funny stories about her Avon-selling mom. But one day I decided to hit "create blog" and Nitty.Gritty. was born.
I knew I was going to write and post pictures about my family. That was a natural thing for me to do after keeping a journal for many years, and then after our loss of Teagan and Wyndham's ongoing healing and special needs I had come to write frequent emails and updates which I would send to family and friends. I figured blogging would be an easy way for those people to pop in and see what was going on in our lives and find out what needs we might have that they could add to their prayer list.
But not long after I started sharing pictures and stories I started receiving emails and comments from people I had never met. It was a neat thing to be connecting to people in cyberworld, and at times your stories and emails had me in tears at my laptop. There felt like something bigger going on. Something bigger than a blog.
I have never regretted sharing so much of our lives- the ups and downs and everything in between. In fact as I re-read some of the posts last week, I found myself so thankful that I had these things written down. I never would have remembered even half of the stuff posted on here! But the details are important and one day I am sure my kids will enjoy looking back and reading first-hand accounts of some of their childhood antics. I feel bad that in this season of my life I don't write or keep record of our day-to-day stories in more detail- although I am thankful for Facebook to post where I post way too many photos and snippets of our lives. It is a cool record of everything under the sun- including what we eat for dinner. Which basically documents how many times we eat waffles in a week. =)
When Nitty.Gritty. was started, I had two fewer kids. I wasn't on any design teams, nor did I own any 12x12 paper or Thickers. {My craft friends know what that means!} =) I didn't have any kids in theater productions or on swim or debate teams. I basically had more time in my life to write.
I appreciate that some people have stopped in here daily for years, and I wish I could have a cup of coffee and zucchini bread with each of you! You have made me want to be a better writer. One day that might happen yet!

This is the stuff we will want to look back on...

This guy.
Four years old.
Attending preschool 3 mornings a week.
Still not always using the potty when he is supposed to.
Wakes up totally grumpy.
Or.
Totally sweet.
But the sweet wears off usually by the time he has to go to the potty.
He sings when he plays games.
He plays games when he eats.
He eats like a puppy most of the time.
And he whines like a puppy when it's time for bed.
He loves playing tricks, and bugging his siblings and can't have Daddy leave for work without giving him a high-5, exploding knuckles, hug, kiss, pinky promise and arm bump.
His idiosyncrasies are almost too much to deal with in a given day.
Yet our days wouldn't be the same without them.
He can drive us all crazy, and then melt us all in the same two-minute time span.
He must have some hidden super power or something. Because with a single tight squeeze around your neck, you forgive him for all the little crazy and big things he's done and all he makes you feel is Love.
Oh, Teague.
What a guy.

Ready for spring...

Hello March 1st! I would like to think that it signals the onset of spring, but we are getting more snow even now as I write this blog post. We had a couple of inches over night last night, so between the accumulation of new snow and the cold temperature {today was right around 20 degrees here in west Michigan} it doesn't seem all that hopeful for an early spring. But they do say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, so we are perfectly on course to do that!
March 1st also brings the opportunity for anyone who wants to get a Cocoa Daisy kit, add-ons or Day In The Life kit the chance to do so. This month's Grey Street kit has been a big hit with the subscribers and we as a design team all loved it too! The greens, gray and splashes of other colors make it fun and definitely get you wanting spring even more so!
I loved scrapping the page about Teagan's rainboots and the sweet memories they bring to my mind- even all these years later. March is Teagan's birthday month and so those memories are even more vivid as we prepare to mark another birthday without her here on earth with us- but never far from our hearts and minds! She will always be such a colorful, cherished part of my memories and I am glad that her stories can still find their way onto my scrap pages.
I loved scrapping Teague's newborn baby picture too. There is something so amazing wrapped up in the hopes and dreams of a new baby. Teague is quite a handful now, than he was all tiny and sleeping in that photo, but I still have huge dreams and hopes for all of my kids! I am sure that never changes- even as they grow and change themselves. Here's to a bright future, a new beginning with the onset of spring...and hopefully sunshine to start melting all the snow!

Snowed in. Again!

 

This has been quite a winter all over the nation and world, I believe. We are in the midst of another 'arctic blast' here in Michigan and on our 3rd consecutive snow day...with a weekend in between. So the days all sort of blur together, but we are cozy, warm and we love staying in jammies all day long. Last week's days off were added fun since Grandma Genie {my  mom} was in town staying with the kids and I while Chip was in Orlando for the PGA merchandise show. The unexpected time the kids got to spend with her and the low-key schedule compared to getting ready and doing school drop-offs and pick-ups was nice for all of us! We played games, had Ava's room painted {pale pink}, baked and ate good food, sang songs and hymns, watched funny DIY shows and a couple of movies, ate popcorn and just all-around had a great time enjoying Grandma at our house. We were sad to see her go, but happy for my dad, since we know how much he was missing having her around too!
I didn't get much scrapping time in, and had actually planned to do quite a bit while she was here. But the time spent doing other stuff just filled up my craft free time. Still, I am so excited to share peeks of the layouts I made with the next Cocoa Daisy kit for February...called Color Swatch! It is one of my favorites! I received the paper add-on as well as the Paint Chip add-on kit and it is a wonderful mix of items for crafting. I have plans to make some Valentine's a am hoping to make a couple of other little projects too. The pinks and fun watercolor/paint patterns and designs add some charm and whimsy to each project. Tomorrow night is the big reveal for this kit, so join us over at the message board and see for yourself! If you sign up for a subscription there is a special 40% discount for your first kit right now. And trust me, when you get snowed in with a box of Cocoa Daisy goodies, it's a wonderful thing! Stay warm and safe everyone, and have fun crafting!

The moments that matter most.

Wow. So many thoughts and emotions going on in my heart and mind today, that I just need to put them down somewhere. This is my outlet~ my mother's heart that has never stopped beating even when this world broke it in two.
This note flows out of that brokenness. It flows from the place in me where I can still 'see, feel and recall' the brokenness in such detail all these years later. It flows from the heartache an empathy I am feeling for the families in Newtown, CT who are re-living their pain and nightmare on this anniversary eve of the loss of their own little ones. It is spilling out from the goosebumps I got as I read the text from a dear friend who is headed to the ICU to quite possibly say her final goodbye to a special little girl even as I type this out.
Life is cruel and cold at times, and my own experiences have softened me toward other broken hearts in this world. When I hear of other hurting hearts, my own heart remembers a time and details that have yet to fade year after year. 
The details of Teagan's final days and moments are etched on my heart and mind forever. The littlest moments were elevated to some of my most precious memories in light of her loss. It is those moments that matter most. The moments that we all have with our loved ones every single day. But for some reason, we don't hardly recognize their greatness or worth. Often times we even get annoyed by them, or frustrated and worn down. By their timing, and their frequency- by their 'mundaneness' among all the long to-do list we all have every day. These moments are the ones I cherish the most. Yet I STILL take them or granted far too often, even after learning the lesson of their value and worth having been schooled by sudden loss, heartache and grief. 
They are moments we all have with the people around us. We sit down at a meal and eat together. Do we listen and laugh? Do we care about the smallest accomplishments our children or spouses have made that day? Do we see how sweet their tired eyes are as they wake to another day...another good morning hug...another bowl of Frosted Flakes? Do we have any idea how special it is that we can hug them and hold them in our arms? Do we study the color of their eyes? Do we tell them how much we love them- even if we are all running late and we can't find the cellphone or keys? 
I can remember sharing the last bowl of tapioca with Teagan on the night before our incident. She was delighted over a bowl of warm tapioca. She and I sat at her small table and talked about how much we both loved real whipped cream. The earth didn't shake. The mountains didn't tremble. But it was a moment I will never forget. There was love and innocence in that time and place. There were dreams to be chased and more dancing to do when we were done! There was no reason to believe that moments like this weren't going to last forever. Hours later I would wake her up from her cozy night of sleep and help her get dressed and brush her hair and tie a ribbon in it one last time. The details were about to change. Forever.
Some days I mess it all up. I hurt from missing Teagan. I hurt because I miss the sound of her voice- her joy and delight over the littlest things. Sometimes I miss her so much that the people around me wonder what they did to make me mad. They wonder what they could do different to make me smile. Some days I wake up so sure that it must have been a dream, but it's real every day. Some days the strength comes and my heart and eyes re-open to beauty, happiness and joy. I am reminded of the details that I cling to and they make me want to love more, live more and try to be better- even with a broken heart.
I write this as I sit at the little table where Teagan and I shared countless meals and that last bowl of tapioca. I haven't ever been able to part with it {plus all the other kids have used it countless times too for the very things Teagan loved and used it for- playing Playdough, coloring pages, eating meals and snacks and hosting tea parties at it too} and I love being able to have a tangible remembrance of those special times spent with her. I am thankful for all the new memories made at this table, and I am grateful that broken hearts heal little by little. I am reminded again as I my heart weighs heavy for others facing grief and sorrow and heartbreak this Christmastime, that each and every moment is a gift. Every detail a blessing. The smallest moments blur together and get lost even more so this time of year. But if even for a moment we open our eyes to them and see their true worth, we will hold a priceless treasure in our hearts forever.

Thinking about "home again".

This week is already the week of Thanksgiving. It feels like it has come from nowhere all so quickly. Our lives here are so busy and full from day to day. I know I am a broken record for saying that, but between school for 5 of the kids, a house project under construction in our basement, band concerts and sleepovers and everything in between, it just turns into a blur from day to day. This last week I had high hopes of getting on top of some things around the house and I was motivated to get ahead of myself with all that comes with Christmas too. Instead, I ended up laying on the couch for 2 full days due to a fever and cold that hit me hard and knocked me out! I was miserable and barely did a thing as I stayed bundled in blankets and tried to let my body rest in order to fight off the crazy virus.
Isn't that how it goes sometimes?! We think we are going to go one direction, and life takes us a different way. I know that on so many different levels! It is a hard lesson to learn to surrender and roll with it. I am still feisty and love being the one behind the reigns as much as I can.
I couldn't help but be reflective as I opened up my Cocoa Daisy kit for December this past week. I had very little energy to do anything with it, up until this weekend. It is called Home Again- and the reveal is happening tomorrow night on the boards, instead of the traditional 28th of the month due to Thanksgiving going on that same day. It is a kit filled with some adorable Cocoa Daisy exclusives, including the sweet wood veneer home and heart cut-outs. As we continue to settle in and finish up {we're completing a bathroom and bedroom in our downstairs for Brock} some home projects, I am so thankful and overwhelmed with the gift of home and family that we have to celebrate and say thanks to God for this year. It has truly been a wild ride to get here and it is still crazy for me to wrap my head around how it all came about. I have looked back at how many moves Chip and I have had since we first got married~ 9 of them, if I counted correctly. How life changes from year-to-year is amazing to me. Seeing my kids in this picture above taken in 2006 and looking at us all now is a wonder to think about. The growth, the changes, but most of all to me the reality that home has very little to do with where you are, and everything to do with the love you pour out wherever you may be. People thrive on love. I hope that you feel it where you are at right now, and that you can pour it out to people around you too- no matter where or what you are doing.
They say home is where the heart is. I believe that to be true. And having a set of antlers there makes it even better if you ask me too. =)

The day that Daddy came back.

 

It's 3:47am. I am blogging. That means a couple of things are going on. One is that I am awake and my mind is spinning. The other thing is that the house is quiet and calm because everyone else is sleeping. I guess this is the only time I have available to blog in my life as there is never a dull moment in my day. This also explains the lack of posts. I am usually asleep at this time of the night. I already know I am going to regret being up right now and doing this, even in just 4 hours or so. But I am here for now. So I will squeeze in as much as I can- even though the past few weeks in the life of the Ferlaaks deserves it's own book. It's been that wild and crazy!
But even a tad fun.
And a whole lot of amazing.
And that is why my head is spinning and I am here typing.
Sometimes life gets going. Going in a certain direction. Other times it just stands still. And it drags. Or just is. Still at other times life starts moving, and I can tell something is up. I might not always know why or what or how come, but there's a feeling that something is going on.
That is what I write of today.

To do so, I need to finish a blogpost that I started a couple of weeks ago, and never got around to finishing, much less posting. It was a typical summer morning. Chip got up, showered and was saying his goodbyes for the day. The kids aren't always awake. At least not all of them. And sometimes some are eating breakfast and playing on the iPads and Chip and I have yet to get up. We're all over the place with our schedule in the summer. We like late nights {not normally as late as the one I am having right now!} and long mornings. We have very little on our agendas. Except to say goodbye and give Daddy hugs and kisses before he leaves for work.
This particular morning Chip was saying his goodbyes and as he did I could just begin to hear Teague start to fuss in his bedroom. He still sleeps in a crib {he just turned 3 and we love that he loves his crib and stays put in there!} and so someone has to come and get him out each morning. He got a bit louder just as Chip was putting his hand on the doorknob to leave, and I looked at Chip and said, "Go now so Teague won't have a meltdown saying goodbye". That's what Teague does.
He loves his daddy. He loves his dad a whole lot. With Chip's long hours at work in the summer, sometimes we don't see him a whole lot. So when Chip leaves, Teague cries. And throws a fit on the front step. Then Chip leaves and feels guilty. And I am left with a little guy doing limp body and fussing in the front step for several minutes some mornings. It makes me want to drink more coffee. That's what was ahead of us if Chip stuck around while I got Teague up, so instead Chip quickly left, and I went to go get Teague out of his bed. He started to fuss louder when I got him out. I gave him some morning hugs and kisses. But he just put on his best pouty face and started crying. "Do you want some orange juice, Teague?" "Do you want your little lamby and yellow blankie?" I started asking questions. "Calm down, mister...it's morning time and we get to have a fun day!" This is what I was saying to him as his crying started to get louder and louder. The other kids had joined my question party by this time and they were all using their "happy voices" wishing him a good morning and offering kisses and other ideas like toaster waffles.
Nothing was working.
I just held him for a minute longer. He kept on crying. I asked him to "use your words" and tell Mommy what's wrong. His crying finally got quieter, and he looked right at me and said, "I wanted to give Daddy a kiss."
My heart basically melted.
He had been listening to the other kids say their goodbyes, and he had no way of getting in on the hugs and kisses and send-off. I was happy to finally know that there actually was a "real problem" and my "real solution" was that we could call Daddy on his phone and say good morning and goodbye all at once. I took Teague to the kitchen to get my phone and I told him my plan. I dialed Chip and he answered. Which I typically don't like him to do if he's in a car. "What's up?" he asked. He never knows what to expect when I call him. I don't do it often, but there's always a 50/50 that it's a good or bad thing. I said, "Teague was just waking up when you left and he is so upset that he didn't get to hug you goodbye." I fully expected Chip to say, "Put him on and I'll talk to him for a minute." Instead, Chip said, "I'm on my way home."
I was more than a bit surprised. Chip has a lot on his plate in life and at work these days. Several minutes had gone by since he had left home, so this wasn't just a quick turn around at the end of the block. I set the phone down and Teague just about had another meltdown right then and there. I grabbed his little hand and said, "come outside on the front step...Mommy wants you to get a surprise!" Kids love surprises, but not so much when they are just coming off of a meltdown and the drama of crying for the first several minutes of their day.
We sat on the front step. Brock joined us. We looked at the sky. We listened to a couple of birds. We saw the grass. And flowers. It must have felt to Teague as though I was the biggest phony surprise thrower of all time. At one point I finally told him to be quiet and listen. I could hear Chip's car coming down the street. Teague was on my lap on the front step clueless that his morning wish was about to come true!
I think Teague was about to start crying all over again when I told him to look down the street as far as he could to see if he could see anything. Brock was starting to grin at this point. And a few seconds later Chip's vehicle pulled back into our driveway. "Daddy's home!! Daddy came back! It's Daddy!"

Teague was so excited. I am getting a knot in my throat right now even as I type it out, because it was a truly magical moment. My little clueless, upset two-year old {at that time} suddenly had his whole morning turned around. His little heartbroken request that he had finally spilled out to me when "he used his words" hadn't just been a cry of hurt and disgust that fell on deaf ears. Instead, his cry had been heard, and more than loud and clear, his heartbreak at not being able to say goodbye and give a hug had turned to complete and utter joy at the surprise return from Chip coming back to more than meet his need.
I actually caught part of the whole scene on one of our iPad cameras. I snapped the picture in this post of Teague and Daddy together for that brief couple of moments that morning too, and those smiles are the real deal! Teague's fussing was so quickly forgotten and his tiny arms wrapped so tight around his dad and the 'drama' of our morning up to that point all melted into a beautiful embrace. I was so happy for Teague.
I was so proud of Chip and my heart melted at just how big his heart is at times too. He chose to come home, when a simple hello on the phone would have salvaged a part of Teague's hurt. He went beyond what he needed to do and it blew me and Teague away. The whole scene has played over and over in my mind the past few weeks.
It is so late and I am so tired, and there is so much more to this story. The part about how that picture in my mind so parallels what God has been doing in my heart and life too. It's been unfolding for months. Years, I believe.
God has been up to something.
I've been in a place where the only way 'out' {like Teague in his crib} was going to happen when God chose to get me out. I needed my Father to pick me up and open a door. I was kicking and crying, and even though I could have had a toaster waffle or juice or any number of things to bring me happiness, all the while He had a plan to bring me more than that. He has been up to something for awhile now. And I couldn't see it, hear it, or have a clue what it was. Just as Teague had no clue Chip was already on his way home with a big hug and kiss waiting for him on arrival.
He could have settled for a quick phonecall and chat with Daddy. But Chip had a better idea. And even though it temporarily broke Teague's heart for me to not let him talk on the phone, or even tell him that Daddy was coming home, I knew it was going to be a wonderful and even better surprise in the end.
I knew it would be worth Teague's confusion as he waited on a front step without a clue. I knew it would be more than worth it for him to see that Chip drove back home just to see him! I knew it was going to make the tears of the morning literally disappear. His sorrow would be turned to joy, and it was! Teague's whole morning was made!

My heart has been so hurt for a long time for many different reasons. Some days I haven't had a clue as to how life has played out the way it has for us. But for some reason- as reason I still don't know or understand- in the past few weeks too many things have happened that make me literally see God's hand in life's details. It has been wonderful. It has been amazing at times. It has been fun even! My heart has felt happiness in the truest sense of the word. Our house sold. A new one just happened to fall into place for us. At just the right place. At just the perfect time.
Chip and I somehow managed to go out on a date together. It has been more than a year since we have done that. And we didn't just get a date. We took a whole day trip together. And nothing went 'wrong' the whole day. In spite of the downpour we got stuck in as we walked from Navy Pier in Chicago to Millenium Park. We laughed together. We enjoyed each other. We had actual conversations. About things other than kids or work. There has been so much going on in the past few weeks that my head is still spinning and we still have a move ahead of us this coming Tuesday. I should be overwhelmed. I should be freaking out. I should be asking myself how on earth is everything going to get done that needs to get done?!
Instead I am blogging. I am doing something I rarely get a chance to do anymore. I needed to write. I needed to come here and tell the world that God is amazing. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him or have a clue if He is even listening to our fussing and cries. I want to assure myself and whomever else reads here that He is. He is real. He gives life to dry bones. He longs to do good things in the hearts and lives of those who love Him. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is good and kind and fun even! He is a God who listens, who loves, who makes time for us, who knows better than we know ourselves just how to fill our lives with goodness and joy.
I don't know if Teague even remembers the day that Daddy came back. But one day, maybe one day when all the world has let him down or life is threatening to steal his joy, I want to remind him of this story. That really happened. That was so beautiful and pure and true that it will hopefully stir in his heart a little something that makes him want to be a better person and believe in goodness and Love again.
I have sometimes wondered. I have doubted far too many times in my life.
I am ashamed because I have known since I was about Teague's size that I love a God who is bigger and more powerful than any mind can comprehend. Yet still my trust has worn thin at times and I have wondered if my prayers have even been heard.
He has heard every one. He has a plan to meet every need. His plans are good. His ways are higher. I am humbled and honored to give all my praise to Jesus, my Lord. I don't know what lies just ahead in this next adventure in life. I am just so thankful that I never need to doubt or wonder if God is real. He is. And He is so Good. He is so Good to me.

Good stuff and open roads for dreamin'.

 

Our family just marked another year gone by since the tragedy that claimed Teagan's life and altered us forever occurred. It has been 12 years now. I think one of the things that stood out most to me this year is just how much Teagan will always be a part of our life story~ no matter how much time goes on. The memories of that day are so vivid and clear to me, and I doubt they will ever fully fade. There was so much trauma and weeks of hospital and intense concern surrounding all of our injuries and recovery, that I am sure would take a lifetime to forget. I do know that it sometimes still feels like it all happened yesterday, and the ache of the reality that Teagan is truly gone doesn't ever diminish. The hole she left in our hearts and lives is still the same size as it was the day she was taken off of life support. We have done lots of living between then and now, but who she was and how she changed our lives for the better from the moment she was born will never change.
And for that, I am grateful, and I will always thank God for sending such a vibrant, sweet, beautiful girl into our lives.
I am glad that we didn't get stuck in that place of grief and sorrow that threatens to consume and overwhelm one's life in the days and weeks following death. There was so much pain and darkness in that pit of sorrow. I was so angry to be in it at times, knowing how amazing and pleasurable life had been before being thrown into this place unannounced. I was angry that life for our family was being defined by such an ugly event, and I was angry that our joy had been ripped from our hands without giving us a choice or chance to do anything about it. That was a hard place to be, for sure. All I wanted was out of there, and yet as our injuries and Wyndham's challenges became our new way of life, I realized we would never fully 'escape' the pain and grief.
Chip and I struggled with how to move forward through those early days. I spent many of them weeping and struggling to even catch my breath through my sobs, as my physical pain hurt and my broken heart hurt and life seemed only dark and daunting. I didn't believe we would ever be 'whole' again. I didn't believe there would ever come a day when we wouldn't feel sadness. I felt like all of life was tainted and the only thing I wanted back was a small taste of joy.
I didn't know how that could happen though, because our whole world was pain- from the  nightmares I woke up from in the night, to Brock's post traumatic stress syndrome, to Wyndham's injuries and meds and Chip's broken bones...it was all so painful. We didn't even come home from the hospital for 3 weeks. It felt like an eternity. It felt like our nightmare would never end.
In our sorrows and grief and heartache and pain, Chip and I knew we wanted something more. We wanted to be able to live again! We wanted days filled with laughter and fun and happiness. We were living in darkness and we wanted so much to believe that there was Joy for the taking somewhere in the world again. We made a vow to fight for that together. We cried together for what we had lost and for what our "new normal" looked like now. I knew I needed Chip to be by my side- but fully understood how marriages fall apart in those dark valleys of life. I am glad that as hard as some of the days and months and years have been, that after 12 years of hardship, we are still together. We have had ups. We have had lots of downs.
We have had miracles happen.
We have loved deeper and more easily.
We have looked for ways to make new happy memories.
We have fought for joy and laughter.
We have been blessed beyond measure.
We still miss Teagan everyday.
We still lean on God as our source of strength, comfort and Joy.
He is our Rock, our healer and the One who has held us together and carried us through it all.

Our family has grown in number and there have been days that have overflowed with joy and happiness in our life in the past 12 years. I never could have imagined ordinary days being able to be full of happiness again. But we have lived them, so I know they exist. The journey of grief is long and hard and I don't wish it on anybody. My heart goes out to everyone touched by loss of a loved one. Something as simple as going to Despicable Me 2 can be a simple pleasure. Having a healthy family and opportunities to watch my kids grow and learn and to make memories together as a family are the very things that make life so worthwhile. Seeing beauty in the smallest things shows just how merciful, gracious and loving God is. That He cares about all the details of our lives is amazing. It's humbling. That He would reach down and enter into our hurts and cry with us and guide us out of the valley of darkness and death into the fullness of life again is the miracle in our lives everyday.
I sometimes get lost in the place of pity and heartache much more easily than I ever did before our tragedy. I am so thankful that God doesn't allow me to sit and wallow forever.
I am so glad that He put in me- in Chip- the desire to want to live a life of joy again. Even in simple things like baking homemade chocolate chip cookies and dreaming of what lies ahead in life. I am glad that little things- like piles of laundry and noisy kids- are sometimes my biggest reminders of what I love and care most about- the special people in my life are my greatest blessings. The Hope of heaven keeps me going.
If someone had said I would have 6 kids, and be on a scrap team and blog and smile when I use a pink vacuum, and riding carts at Target would all be a part of my life at this time in 2001, I never would have believed it. But I am so glad that they way I imagined life playing out versus the reality of how it actually does look are so vastly different, that I hardly recognize the 'old life' anymore. I am holding on to the good memories as tight as I can. But I am ever grateful that my heart and hands were opened to embrace what God has placed back into our lives. It's pretty great, and I am so blessed to be able to say so!
In case you happen to like the scrap goodies you see in the pages I made here as much as I love them, you can get them for yourself starting tomorrow at Cocoa Daisy.com. It is a truly wonderful thing to me, to be able to use my hands and create something- just for the fun and joy of it. I never thought that would happen in my life ever again. And now I do it every single month! And lots of times in between too! God is a God of miracles. I take one look at my life as it is now and I know that it is true.

Kindness is a wonderful lesson to teach.

 

My boys aren't naturally kind. Not to me. Not to their dad. Not to their siblings. Sometimes not even to themselves. These guys look so cute and innocent. Some days they wake up all snuggly and sweet and within seconds their moods change and it is all down-hill from there. To be fair, my other kids aren't naturally kind all the time either, but they are several years older, wiser and mellower when it comes to being nice. Being kind to others is something we are all working on every day at my house. It is like a never-ending life lesson, that sadly, as we see and hear in the news, isn't necessarily taught or lived out in our world around us as often as it should and could be. On any given day we all have opportunities to be kind or to respond in kind ways. Even if we don't feel like it, or of we have to create those opportunities up all on our own.

These two little guys, Teague and Crew, are at that age {2 and 4} where they are still growing and learning and soaking in way more than we think they are at times. Today they got a lesson in kindness and hopefully it is just one of many that they see and soak in and hopefully put into practice all their own in the years to come.

This little lesson in kindness started back a couple of weeks ago when Chip and I took a quick walk one night. We waved to a neighbor out in his front yard and Chip nodded to him and offered a word of sympathy in the recent death of his wife. He walked over toward us and shared a thank-you to us for acknowledging his sorrow and recent unexpected grief. He went on to tell us how hard it was to live alone now, as the two of them had shared many years of marriage and had their daily routines down- which added to the obvious void in his 'new' daily life. I extended my condolences as well, and asked if he likes home-baked goods as I do lots of baking in the summer. He smiled and said, 'yes, my wife made a wonderful banana bread and she put pineapple in hers". That simple statement was immediately tucked into my notes in my head and at one of my trips to the grocery store last week I intentionally stopped by the canned pineapple aisle and picked one up knowing it might be just the tiny unexpected bit of kindness that our neighbor man might need in his time of grief.

We have walked and ridden bike by his home several more times in the past few days, and we have exchanged waves, but that has been it. With the anniversary of our own tragedy just days from now, my heart is always more heightened to the beauty of everyday, ordinary life...but with that reality of how precious these very days are. So with all of that in my heart and mind, I browsed Pinterest and looked up some of "the best banana-pineapple bread" recipes until I felt confident I had one that was a 'sure thing'. Next, I pulled out some very ripe bananas and that can of pineapple I had bought for just the right bread and I got to baking. Here is the recipe I used- minus the coconut since someone ate the rest of it in the bag I thought I still had left. It was delicious anyway.

I told the kids the story. I told them how our neighbor misses his wife every day. I told them how it is so easy to be kind, but sometimes you have to listen closely to find out ways you can show your kindness and that sometimes just doing something at all is still a nice thing to do. I told them how I had bought pineapple and tried a new recipe just because it would show how much we listened and cared that much more. They tried out the muffin version of the bread, and a couple of my kids declared it "the best bread ever".

Our next task was to deliver the bread to our neighbor. The kids were all so excited to be a part of "showing kindness". They nearly fought over who would get to carry the bread. In the end, I carried the bread and they rode bikes, trikes and scooters. =) We walked down to the end of the block- the bread was still warm. But unfortunately our neighbor wasn't home at the time. So we brought the bread back and wrapped it up and the kids went on 'look-out' a few times until they spotted his garage door up and they excitement started all over again. 'Mom, he's home now!"

They were so anxious to deliver the little loaf of bread. This time he answered the door and even gave hugs to us for being so thoughtful. I told him how I had to look up a recipe and that I was sure it wasn't even close to how good a bread his wife used to make, but that we had been inspired by her and were happy to try a new recipe. He had that look in his eyes that I know from my own experience. That look where outside you are beaming, but inside it is a ball of emotions because the tug at your heart from the memory and missing of your loved one is so strong. I was happy to be able to tug at that heartstring, because honestly, anyone who is a friend of grief knows how special it is to be reminded at any time in life just how special their loved one still is.

I am a lousy mom far too many times in life. I am not a teacher by nature. I am not all that patient; I am still learning lessons that I feel unqualified to pass on too! But, I can tell you that teaching a lesson in kindness is a win-win-win for everyone involved. I was blessed by being a blessing. Watching my kids get excited to share and be kind and thoughtful renewed my belief in the goodness of little hearts. They DO want to love and be loved and niceness isn't just something to do because it's politically correct. I was blessed in the return hug I was given out of a simple gesture of sharing a little loaf of bread. The neighbor man didn't even need to taste the bread and I could tell it had meant so much to him even so. He blessed my kids by his kind words of thanks. I hope we blessed the memory of his wife as we tried to replicate a favorite recipe.

But above all, I hope that the kindness we shared will be a lesson that my kids and I want to repeat over and over again. It is the kind of life lesson that just gets sweeter and better the more you do it. That is a lesson I hope we never forget.

Cabana Time!

I am popping back in to let you know that Cocoa Daisy's Cabana kit and extras are available for purchase right now. It is such a fun kit for scrapping summer pictures, especially. The graphics and bold colors and little details make it easy to make pages and memories look good! I especially love the new Day in the Life kit and the letterpress cards that they have been adding to the kits. You can't go wrong. Every month it is such a wonderful thing to get a box of this kind of goodness on the front doorstep! I already got a sneak peek of what is to come for next month too. So if you are thinking of getting a subscription, I am here to tell you that you are in good hands if you choose Cocoa Daisy! For sure!! Happy Summer scrapping and memory-making!

Coke Float Day. Then and Now.

It was an amazing day yesterday on many levels. Life has so many ups and downs and twists and turns. Sometimes several rollercoaster rides occur even before noon around our house! It is a tricky thing to find some sort of balance, but never more so than when it comes to grief and living with the loss of loved one, and holding onto those memories, but not letting them suck the joy out of the life you still live even though they're gone. We've been riding this coaster for years now and it is still a process of growing and learning for me. I think it always will be.
So yesterday was a special day for our family. It has been an extra special day since June 30, 2001. That was the day that Coke Float Day was set in motion. We just wouldn't know that until a year later when we made it official. Here is the story behind the original photo of Chip and Teagan. It was 11:00 at night and Teagan always stayed up late to have her Daddy time. She was a Daddy's girl through and through and a night owl too, which was a lucky thing for both of them because he worked late and long hours especially in the summertime. But she still had energy to dance and laugh and listen to Larry Lizard stories with Chip at bedtime. This night Chip came in, changed clothes and grabbed a cold can of Coke out of the refrigerator. Teagan was right on his heels. She wanted some pop too. "Please, Daddy?!" and those big blue eyes! How could a daddy who had spent his day with golfers coming in and out of the Pro Shop, say no to cute, big blues eyes like that...and a beckoning smile to go along with them? Well, the answer is that he couldn't. Not that night anyway. I was ready to crawl into bed, exhausted from home keeping and taking care of Teagan {4}, Brock {2} and Wyndham {just 6 months old} at that time. I wanted no part of Teagan drinking a sugary, caffeinated cola at that hour, I do remember that. However, not that many months earlier we had lived through the scare of our lifetime when Wyndham was just 3 weeks old and having trouble breathing and eating. I had found her turning blue and called 911- this after she had visited the ER 3 times already. Her subsequent trip by helicopter downstate to Hurley Hospital turned into a 5 day stay where the doctors had saved her life and we had been given a second chance at happiness with 3 small children again. Chip and I knew we had brushed death with Wyndham and that incident had given us a new perspective on life. Even when it was 11 o'clock and kids should be tucked into bed by that time of the night! In light of our heightened appreciation for the moments we had with our kids and how precious even the tired moments could be, we did something a little different that night.
Instead of me rolling my eyes and getting upset with Teagan for not wanting to settle in for the night or me grumbling at Chip that he should have waited to open his soda after she was in bed, I went to the cupboard and pulled out a couple of malt glasses. I pulled some vanilla ice cream from the freezer and the next thing you know happiness and delight filled the kitchen as Teagan realized she and Daddy were having a special date night and on the menu were Coke Floats! I remember her smiles and excitement so clearly. She had a way of lighting up a room and add a Coke Float and let's just say the happiness was palpable. Teagan and Daddy sat at her little table; I grabbed the camera. I had no idea that snapping a couple of photos of this simple moment in time was going to turn into anything bigger than the feeling we had of goodness and happiness at that shared moment in time. I knew I was happy that we were ending the day on a positive note. I was thankful for how we were living with intention about making the most of the time with our kids- which is why we were sipping Coke floats at such a late hour. I was glad to know that whatever I had done "wrong" that day as a mom was forgiven with such  ease as making a sweet bedtime treat. My heart was full that night knowing I had done something right and it was so well-received.
I couldn't have known that those few moments in the kitchen would turn into a memorial day for our family. I never dreamed that something as simple as a late-night Coke float would be one of the tickets our family has needed and used year after year, on which to build new happy memories and pull ourselves from the pit of sorrow that consumed us when Teagan died so suddenly exactly one month to that day later. I have written about how I was glad I didn't know what our future held for Teagan and our family back then. It most certainly would have brought dread into moments like these that we did have with Teagan in her final days on earth. We didn't know then, but we know now.
We know now that life is even more precious than we realized it was back then. We have learned that life is a gift every single day. We have learned that life with a Teagan-sized hole in our hearts can never be filled, but it can be recalled and celebrated and still enjoyed.
Anyone who has lost a loved one can tell you just how hard the first year is- every big and little thing that you miss about your loved one is magnified and the loss is felt in new ways over and over and over again until you feel you will run out of tears from all the sorrowing. The ache grows bigger and the hole feels larger as the reality takes hold and grips your heart and mind. Teagan was never coming back. She would never hug us or laugh or sing and play with us again. She would never stay up late and sleep in til noon. She was simply going to be missed. Every single day of the life we had left without her. That reality filled my heart and life with dread so many times. I have written about how I grieved her so much as I just tried to wash and fold a load of whites and her days of the week underwear were no longer in the pile to be folded. I spent hours looking through photo albums of the life we had shared with her and luckily captured on film too. The date stamped on the corner of those pictures sometimes just made my heart ache more. It was so stark in front of me that her life and come and gone and things we had loved and laughed and enjoyed with Teagan became a list of things in my heart I never wanted to do again because they would only make me miss her more and hate the reality of the life we were handed when she died.
As I flipped through the photo album and came upon pictures like Coke floats with her my heart ached. But I also had learned that hard lesson before she was gone that these kind of moments were so precious and the very things we wanted to enjoy in life! I knew in my heart that as much as my grief wanted to drown me and steal all the joy life held that I couldn't let that happen. And not because of me, but because I was still wanting to give Brock and Wyndham the life I had wanted to share with them and Teagan before she was gone. I knew that striking all the fun, happy things out of our life because they caused pain wasn't going to bring me more happiness, but instead they would bring more sorrow. More hurt.
That is how Coke Float Day was born. It didn't come from a family looking to be an inspiration to anyone. It didn't come from Chip and Jody thinking we could turn something so hurtful in our lives into a day of laughter, fun and special memories. It was born out of a sorrowing that hurt so deeply that we didn't want the pain to cut any further, so we looked for ways to make it stop. Even for moments at a time.
This year Coke Float Day was our most amazing one yet. With the ease of social media, like Face Book, it was simple for us to spread the word of our family's tradition of this day with others. Chip's golf club sent out a notice to all their pool and golf members that they could come to the club and enjoy a Coke Float in honor of Teagan's memory. I sent out an invitation to everyone of my friends on FB and gave a head's up about remembering to add soda pop and vanilla ice cream to their grocery lists. Our family spent most of the day at the club pool. We ate cheeseburgers and fries and drank our floats out of plastic cups. They were creamy and delicious. The sun was shining. The sky was blue. We were all healthy and happy. Watching other people walk up to the food service window and walk away with a Coke Float and a big smile on their face made my heart swell. Not in a prideful way at all. But in the bittersweet, humble way recognizing how God heals wounds in time and so painstakingly hard at times, but seeing the depth of our sorrow now putting joy and happiness on the faces and in the hearts of others brought me to tears. This time the tears on Coke Float Day flowed not out of pity or hurt our heartache, but out of the joy that I was glimpsing the way that God does make all things new. He has turned our sorrow to joy in even small ways. I sometimes don't see the joy or feel it long or hard enough. But I glimpsed it and tasted it yesterday. It was in the skip of a little red-haired girl in a yellow polka-dot swim suit. It was in the frothy mustache dripping down my own Teague's chin as he sipped his float. It was in the photos and notes and kind words shared by hundreds of our friends on Face Book yesterday. Each time we were tagged in some way I knew it was God letting us know that although this journey has, and continues to be long and hard, we are not alone. He is there. Friends are there. Strangers are there. Love is there. Teagan's memory lives on. Her life still brings joy to the lives and hearts of people around the world. Then and Now. My heart is blessed to know that although her days were short, her love and joy were so big that they still reach others. That is a gift that only comes from God. Teagan was and always will be our extra special gift!

I wish it could be summer every day.

I really am amazed at how quickly the dog days of summer go by, and we don't even have a dog! =) The nicer the days got, the busier they became the past few weeks. There has been so much fun and just added activity to our home life that the truth is my blog is the last thing on my to-do list- even though I love documenting our stories and pictures and sharing them this way. I am going to have lots of gaps in the stories, but thankfully we are making some memories that hopefully will last as my kids grow up and reflect back on their childhood.
The memories aren't all fun and perfect and thrilling all the time, but we do have some happiness tucked into our days- often more than we plan or expect. But with a two year old and four year old and extra-special needs 12 yr old, in addition to the 'big kids' {9, almost 11 and 14} it is tricky to have everyone happy at the same time. In fact, I don't even try to have that happen anymore. We just do what we have to do and sometimes that means there are meltdowns and drama happening as we try to make a fun, family memory down by the waterfront. Or out at Chip's club by the pool. Or just playing with the neighbor kids. Or even having popsicles on the front lawn. There was a meltdown over a new 10-pack of underwear at our house tonight, which I still am clueless as to how that can be. But tween girls have their moments too. =)
I grabbed a small snapshot of what life has included the past few weeks, and realize that even on the hot, sticky, fussy days there is still so much to love about summer! The visits to the park and the local carnival that went through here. The times with Daddy- even though we often have to go to the club or Chip brings kids with him to hang out at work. We are lucky that he can do that and the kids can swim and golf now. We have had meals outside with the neighbors and are enjoying the pony they gave us as they prepared for a yard sale this week. There has also been lots of cleaning and organizing and lawn re-doing as we put our house back up for sale and had an open house and a couple of showings too. We would love to be closer to Chip's work- which is about a 30 minute drive right now. If it doesn't sell we are staying put, so there isn't a pressure on us this time. Just a huge desire in our hearts.
There has been scrapping and paper crafting time for me, which I enjoy even when it's summer. Being busy with kids means that I have to plan my time a bit differently, but I still like a bit of space and the chance to scrap and create and have fun with all the goodness that comes in my Cocoa Daisy box each month. This month's kit {which is revealed tomorrow night on the Cocoa Daisy website} is called Cabana. It is bursting with bold colors and summer flair. The Day in the Life kit is a relatively new kit for them and I got one of those this month too and love it! There is a great 3-month subscription special if you have ever thought about scrapping the Project Life style way. I love how quickly the pages come together and yet there are still endless possibilities for how to put your pages together. I am loving it all and so glad to be on the team now for coming up on my one year anniversary there. The girls on the Design Team have been so great and truly are friends. I just want to meet them in person sometime!
Life for the Ferlaaks is full and loud and there is more fussing than I would like, but also more hugs and good food and just hanging out letting summer happen going on too. If I could, I would bottle up the relaxed feeling of life right now- even though there are still mountains of laundry and groceries to buy and things to pick up- and I would save it for when there are going to be quiet days and the kids are all grown and doing their own busy thing for the summer. I am soaking this time up. Every minute of it! I am scrapping some of it to look back on during those future mellow days too. =)