The day that Daddy came back.

 

It's 3:47am. I am blogging. That means a couple of things are going on. One is that I am awake and my mind is spinning. The other thing is that the house is quiet and calm because everyone else is sleeping. I guess this is the only time I have available to blog in my life as there is never a dull moment in my day. This also explains the lack of posts. I am usually asleep at this time of the night. I already know I am going to regret being up right now and doing this, even in just 4 hours or so. But I am here for now. So I will squeeze in as much as I can- even though the past few weeks in the life of the Ferlaaks deserves it's own book. It's been that wild and crazy!
But even a tad fun.
And a whole lot of amazing.
And that is why my head is spinning and I am here typing.
Sometimes life gets going. Going in a certain direction. Other times it just stands still. And it drags. Or just is. Still at other times life starts moving, and I can tell something is up. I might not always know why or what or how come, but there's a feeling that something is going on.
That is what I write of today.

To do so, I need to finish a blogpost that I started a couple of weeks ago, and never got around to finishing, much less posting. It was a typical summer morning. Chip got up, showered and was saying his goodbyes for the day. The kids aren't always awake. At least not all of them. And sometimes some are eating breakfast and playing on the iPads and Chip and I have yet to get up. We're all over the place with our schedule in the summer. We like late nights {not normally as late as the one I am having right now!} and long mornings. We have very little on our agendas. Except to say goodbye and give Daddy hugs and kisses before he leaves for work.
This particular morning Chip was saying his goodbyes and as he did I could just begin to hear Teague start to fuss in his bedroom. He still sleeps in a crib {he just turned 3 and we love that he loves his crib and stays put in there!} and so someone has to come and get him out each morning. He got a bit louder just as Chip was putting his hand on the doorknob to leave, and I looked at Chip and said, "Go now so Teague won't have a meltdown saying goodbye". That's what Teague does.
He loves his daddy. He loves his dad a whole lot. With Chip's long hours at work in the summer, sometimes we don't see him a whole lot. So when Chip leaves, Teague cries. And throws a fit on the front step. Then Chip leaves and feels guilty. And I am left with a little guy doing limp body and fussing in the front step for several minutes some mornings. It makes me want to drink more coffee. That's what was ahead of us if Chip stuck around while I got Teague up, so instead Chip quickly left, and I went to go get Teague out of his bed. He started to fuss louder when I got him out. I gave him some morning hugs and kisses. But he just put on his best pouty face and started crying. "Do you want some orange juice, Teague?" "Do you want your little lamby and yellow blankie?" I started asking questions. "Calm down, mister...it's morning time and we get to have a fun day!" This is what I was saying to him as his crying started to get louder and louder. The other kids had joined my question party by this time and they were all using their "happy voices" wishing him a good morning and offering kisses and other ideas like toaster waffles.
Nothing was working.
I just held him for a minute longer. He kept on crying. I asked him to "use your words" and tell Mommy what's wrong. His crying finally got quieter, and he looked right at me and said, "I wanted to give Daddy a kiss."
My heart basically melted.
He had been listening to the other kids say their goodbyes, and he had no way of getting in on the hugs and kisses and send-off. I was happy to finally know that there actually was a "real problem" and my "real solution" was that we could call Daddy on his phone and say good morning and goodbye all at once. I took Teague to the kitchen to get my phone and I told him my plan. I dialed Chip and he answered. Which I typically don't like him to do if he's in a car. "What's up?" he asked. He never knows what to expect when I call him. I don't do it often, but there's always a 50/50 that it's a good or bad thing. I said, "Teague was just waking up when you left and he is so upset that he didn't get to hug you goodbye." I fully expected Chip to say, "Put him on and I'll talk to him for a minute." Instead, Chip said, "I'm on my way home."
I was more than a bit surprised. Chip has a lot on his plate in life and at work these days. Several minutes had gone by since he had left home, so this wasn't just a quick turn around at the end of the block. I set the phone down and Teague just about had another meltdown right then and there. I grabbed his little hand and said, "come outside on the front step...Mommy wants you to get a surprise!" Kids love surprises, but not so much when they are just coming off of a meltdown and the drama of crying for the first several minutes of their day.
We sat on the front step. Brock joined us. We looked at the sky. We listened to a couple of birds. We saw the grass. And flowers. It must have felt to Teague as though I was the biggest phony surprise thrower of all time. At one point I finally told him to be quiet and listen. I could hear Chip's car coming down the street. Teague was on my lap on the front step clueless that his morning wish was about to come true!
I think Teague was about to start crying all over again when I told him to look down the street as far as he could to see if he could see anything. Brock was starting to grin at this point. And a few seconds later Chip's vehicle pulled back into our driveway. "Daddy's home!! Daddy came back! It's Daddy!"

Teague was so excited. I am getting a knot in my throat right now even as I type it out, because it was a truly magical moment. My little clueless, upset two-year old {at that time} suddenly had his whole morning turned around. His little heartbroken request that he had finally spilled out to me when "he used his words" hadn't just been a cry of hurt and disgust that fell on deaf ears. Instead, his cry had been heard, and more than loud and clear, his heartbreak at not being able to say goodbye and give a hug had turned to complete and utter joy at the surprise return from Chip coming back to more than meet his need.
I actually caught part of the whole scene on one of our iPad cameras. I snapped the picture in this post of Teague and Daddy together for that brief couple of moments that morning too, and those smiles are the real deal! Teague's fussing was so quickly forgotten and his tiny arms wrapped so tight around his dad and the 'drama' of our morning up to that point all melted into a beautiful embrace. I was so happy for Teague.
I was so proud of Chip and my heart melted at just how big his heart is at times too. He chose to come home, when a simple hello on the phone would have salvaged a part of Teague's hurt. He went beyond what he needed to do and it blew me and Teague away. The whole scene has played over and over in my mind the past few weeks.
It is so late and I am so tired, and there is so much more to this story. The part about how that picture in my mind so parallels what God has been doing in my heart and life too. It's been unfolding for months. Years, I believe.
God has been up to something.
I've been in a place where the only way 'out' {like Teague in his crib} was going to happen when God chose to get me out. I needed my Father to pick me up and open a door. I was kicking and crying, and even though I could have had a toaster waffle or juice or any number of things to bring me happiness, all the while He had a plan to bring me more than that. He has been up to something for awhile now. And I couldn't see it, hear it, or have a clue what it was. Just as Teague had no clue Chip was already on his way home with a big hug and kiss waiting for him on arrival.
He could have settled for a quick phonecall and chat with Daddy. But Chip had a better idea. And even though it temporarily broke Teague's heart for me to not let him talk on the phone, or even tell him that Daddy was coming home, I knew it was going to be a wonderful and even better surprise in the end.
I knew it would be worth Teague's confusion as he waited on a front step without a clue. I knew it would be more than worth it for him to see that Chip drove back home just to see him! I knew it was going to make the tears of the morning literally disappear. His sorrow would be turned to joy, and it was! Teague's whole morning was made!

My heart has been so hurt for a long time for many different reasons. Some days I haven't had a clue as to how life has played out the way it has for us. But for some reason- as reason I still don't know or understand- in the past few weeks too many things have happened that make me literally see God's hand in life's details. It has been wonderful. It has been amazing at times. It has been fun even! My heart has felt happiness in the truest sense of the word. Our house sold. A new one just happened to fall into place for us. At just the right place. At just the perfect time.
Chip and I somehow managed to go out on a date together. It has been more than a year since we have done that. And we didn't just get a date. We took a whole day trip together. And nothing went 'wrong' the whole day. In spite of the downpour we got stuck in as we walked from Navy Pier in Chicago to Millenium Park. We laughed together. We enjoyed each other. We had actual conversations. About things other than kids or work. There has been so much going on in the past few weeks that my head is still spinning and we still have a move ahead of us this coming Tuesday. I should be overwhelmed. I should be freaking out. I should be asking myself how on earth is everything going to get done that needs to get done?!
Instead I am blogging. I am doing something I rarely get a chance to do anymore. I needed to write. I needed to come here and tell the world that God is amazing. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him or have a clue if He is even listening to our fussing and cries. I want to assure myself and whomever else reads here that He is. He is real. He gives life to dry bones. He longs to do good things in the hearts and lives of those who love Him. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is good and kind and fun even! He is a God who listens, who loves, who makes time for us, who knows better than we know ourselves just how to fill our lives with goodness and joy.
I don't know if Teague even remembers the day that Daddy came back. But one day, maybe one day when all the world has let him down or life is threatening to steal his joy, I want to remind him of this story. That really happened. That was so beautiful and pure and true that it will hopefully stir in his heart a little something that makes him want to be a better person and believe in goodness and Love again.
I have sometimes wondered. I have doubted far too many times in my life.
I am ashamed because I have known since I was about Teague's size that I love a God who is bigger and more powerful than any mind can comprehend. Yet still my trust has worn thin at times and I have wondered if my prayers have even been heard.
He has heard every one. He has a plan to meet every need. His plans are good. His ways are higher. I am humbled and honored to give all my praise to Jesus, my Lord. I don't know what lies just ahead in this next adventure in life. I am just so thankful that I never need to doubt or wonder if God is real. He is. And He is so Good. He is so Good to me.

When there is no love.

 

 

I'll be honest. There is a lot of stuff going on in the world and nothing grabs my attention more than news stories where everyone is minding their own business and trying to just enjoy their corner of the world, or partaking in something fun or beautiful, when suddenly their lives are forever changed by something horrible. I feel their pain on a very real level and know what grief and healing and finding a "new normal" means. Since the most recent bombing at the Boston Marathon, I have lifted prayers for the victims and their families a number of times in just the past two days. It is heartbreaking and it is a jolt back to reality that none of us knows how much time we have on this earth and that we need to make the most of each day we are given.
I have been struggling with the move back here to Michigan- away from family and many new friends. It has been an unreasonably long, cold winter, and the gloom of cold dark days lingers even now. We have had our snow melt away, and the temperatures are starting to climb, but between the news stories, this move, the long winter and all that goes into that, I am so, so ready for sunshine and fresh air again. I am ready for new growth and new life. Literally and figuratively.
I am almost embarrassed to say that one of the things I am struggling with in the move back to our home is our yard. It seems such a trite thing in the scheme of things, but it is something that in the past we put a lot of time and effort and energy into. We use our yard so much and love to be outside, but as the snow has melted away it has only revealed just how awful our yard turned in just one summer's time of neglect. Last year happened to be a dreadful summer- between the high heat and the lack of rain- that our yard just couldn't sustain itself with no tennants. We moved back in November and I knew it was going to be dead this spring. But I didn't realize just how "dead" it was going to be. The top photo is from a couple of summer's back. The next two pictures are of our house yesterday. Even though the sky was blue, the photos speak for themselves. Chip- my eternal optimist husband- says it will be back and better than ever by June 1. I am more reserved in my support of that thought and would be happy if we just had a thin layer of grass sprouting back by then. The whole yard and landscape have to be redone.
It has opened my eyes to the fact that "good" doesn't just grow. Weeds grow. Good dies. Green turns brown and dried in a hurry of it's not watered and nutured and cared for properly. I can't help but tie my thoughts of the dead, lifeless wreck of a yard to the events of Boston and how tragic that situation turned out. All the good people who worked and trained so hard for that marathon. All the years of the race being one of the most sought after to run in and with such a repuation that people come from miles around the world just to be in that place. And within seconds, that turned to tragedy and carnage and people will live with the horrible images and physical pains and some with grief from the death of a loved one, all because someone chose evil over love. When love is absent, there is darkness, hopelessness, despair and evil. I am sorrowed and saddened that such acts exist in our world that can rip lives apart in the blink of an eye. Through no fault of their own, people now will love with the heartache of such acts. I wish they could turn back the clock. I wish we could erase the last 48 hours and write a different ending.
But there is no chance of that- so everyone moves forward. I have found that moving forward in life sometimes means having to go places you'd rather not. Or leave places you wish you could have stayed. Or simply wait it out and hold out hope for brighter days. But just as our yard looks dry and dead and barren, I choose to believe {and hold out great hope!} that Chip is right and that new green growth is mere weeks away. I choose to believe with time and effort and energy poured into our yard it will look as good or maybe even better than it did before. Is it going to be easy? No. Is it going to take time? Yes. Is it going to be worth the investment? I sure hope so.
To those touched by life's heartaches- wherever you may be- I hope you choose to love, to believe in brighter days; to hold out hope and to always keep the faith. We may not know why there are times or places or hardships in our lives at times, but we can always pour ourselves into giving it our all and for sure, to always love. It makes the biggest difference of all.

Some fresh starts...new beginnings!

 

 

{click on photos if you want to see them up close}
It has been another whirlwind couple of weeks! There was my 40th birthday- which happened to be my kids' last day of school before Christmas break began, so it was a day of parties for them and excitement and a band/choir concert for us to attend. Lots of work went into it for me and I was thankful that we were all healthy and could get through it. To top it off, although it wasn't a day of partying for me, Chip did make cream puffs for me and when we got back from the kids' program we all got our jammies on, and there was candle blowing, wish-making and happy birthday song-singing, so it ended on a nice note. A good way to start a new decade. Mellow, a dollop of whipped cream and smiles all around. My life rarely looks the way I imagine it, but it is always better than I deserve and there is happiness all along the way. Even if it gets pushed to the bottom of the agenda at times.
My goal for this coming new year is to constantly remind myself that happiness is there...I just need to keep my eyes and heart open to the way it is packaged. That's probably a good goal all the time!
So the new year is coming and today I have a few sneak peeks before the big reveal of Cocoa Daisy's first kit of 2013~ Pemberley! It is so full of wonderful teals, pinks and yellows. I was up in my scraproom playing and scrapping away the past few days. I was loving it so much! There is definitely a lot of happiness in my scrap room right now. Even Chip says he wants to make something sometime! That's a pretty big claim and surprise to me. If he makes anything, I will post it here for all to see. =)
I scrapped one page from my heart as it continues to feel heavy and sorrowful for the families of Newtown. I will post it in more detail and tell you some of the thoughts I had while making it. Please continue to lift their broken hearts up in prayer. I know firsthand how the pain and sorrow got so much heavier and real as the friends and families around me got back to "normal" in their life, where in my own life the hole Teagan left just got bigger and Wyndham's needs pressed in harder on Chip and me. Grief is hard road to walk and I just know these souls will need prayers for comfort, strength and healing for a long, long time.
One of the other things I made this month was a mini album to hold hopes and dreams of mine for this fresh new year that we are about to jump into. A big part of me can't wait. I know the number 13 is unlucky for a lot of people, but Chip and I are determined to make it a year of good luck for us. I hope we rise to that occasion, and in this tiny book I am writing down quotes and notes to keep me going and pushing toward new and wonderful things. If you have any good quotes or thoughts on the New Year, leave them in the comments here. I would love to add some more thoughts and phrases to my book. I will show you the inside pages of that soon too!
In the meantime, here is the link to more sneak peeks and you are more than welcome and personally invited to be a part of the reveal tonight on the Cocoa Daisy message boards. There is always a flurry of activity, fun and some RAK's to the boutique too! SO if you have the time and want in on the fun, come on out tonight! And if I don't get back here in time, Happy New Year 2013 to you!! I hope you enjoy a fresh start too!

Growing up and stuff. =)

The other night after dinner the funniest thing that my kids have said happened in a long time. So funny, that I decided I had to share it here for the Nitty.Gritty. archives. =) The background is that my kids are getting older and we're all growing up around here- and with growing comes changes! There had been some 'meltdown' among the kids and in the middle of the round this time, was Bella. She is 10 and in fifth grade. At that nice age where sometimes you think you're still a kid, and sometimes you think you don't want to be one anymore. Throw a couple of younger siblings/toddler in the mix and it can be the perfect scenario for a meltdown.
I don't even recall what the fuss was all about, I just know that I had called to Bella to calm down or to back off or go to a different room a couple of times and instead, I had to go 'break it up' myself. Not that there was fighting going on, it was just playtime getting too loud, wild and in my mom's mind- the perfect timing for an injury. So to avoid it, I asked her to go to her room and take a break. I told her she could read a book or write or just hang out. Instead of happily heading to her room, she sighed and seemed even more upset. I was just outside her room doing a load of laundry and I could tell she was upset. So I went into her room and asked if we could just talk for a few minutes. It turned into one of "those talks".
The kind of talk where a mom tells her daughter how much she loves her and that feelings are okay- no matter if they are happy, sad, angry, disppointed, excited or whatever. I talked to her about how because she's a girl and because of her age sometimes there will be days {or moments or weeks!} that you feel things and you're not even sure why exactly. I told her about hormones. I told her about body changes. I told her about emotional highs and lows and how lucky she is to be a girl! {insert sarcasm here...at least a little bit, right ladies!} After our talk she was feeling so much better. She had lots of questions that I could answer, and I know we have more talks ahead of us. But we both felt good about what we had shared and we ended with some big smiles and big hugs.
Flash forward to just a few minutes after dinnertime. I was in the kitchen cleaning up and Bella and Crew and Teague were just a matter of feet away from me in the master bedroom off our kitchen. Bella was supposed to entertain the boys for a few minutes- with a Christmas show or something "calm" while I cleaned up. Easy enough, right?! Well, I started hearing lots of noise and I could tell there was nothing calm going on in that room. So I looked up from what I was doing and saw Bella half-jumping on my bed and the boys were all over her with glee.
I said, "Isabella! You need to mellow out and find something calm to do right away!" To which she replied as she laughed loudly too, "Mom...it's the hormones!" I started laughing and barely a split second later Crew shouts out happily, "I want to buy hormones!" He was so serious and happy as he said it. Bella laughed outloud and quickly replied to him, "You don't need any hormones...you're wild enough already!"
Ha...ha...ha! I am still laughing as I was that night too. It was all so fast and funny. Crew still has no clue what a hormone is- nor does he get that you don't normally buy them. {Although Wyndham was on hormone shots for 7 years, so maybe he thinks he could use a few doses.} =) Bella, it turns out, equates hormones more with happiness, excitement and adreniline. Which is in part, very true. We just have to have further talks, it seems. Me? It turns out I do have lots of things to blog about just like this. I just don't have the time I used to before 2 little boys were added to our family mix. The pictures here are from last March too. I found a bunch on my phone and have been adding them to my computer a few at a time. I take so many photos!
And now for a bit more "stuff". If you left a comment on the previous post and want a possible Christmas card from me, I said I would pick a couple names by Thursday, but instead, I need you to email me your addresses BY Thursday! I wasn't thinking of how much time I need to get them sent off to you by Christmas. So, here you go: nitty.grittyjody@yahoo.com. Put 'christmas card' in the subject line and I will send out as many as I get the chance to do! I baked some Christmas cookies yesterday and had a very thoughtful, heart-heavy weekend, as so many of us did. I have lots of thoughts and am still praying and processing as I hold the families of Newtown close in my heart. I hope the whole community can feel all our love.

40 days.

Crew had a happy birthday two days ago and is thrilled to be 4 now! His birthday started out right when we awoke- which happened to be 'late start' day at our house. Late start days are my favorite midweek mornings because our schools start an hour later on Wednesdays. I was happy that Crew got an extra hour with Brock and Bella and Ava to open presents and just be more relaxed as we kicked off his fun day. I wish we had late starts everyday! But I don't want to get greedy, so we are thankful for one day a week to not rush around as much as the others.
Crew asked for a simple cake with "blue frosting" and he loved that he got extra candles to blow out too. One can never have too many candles. Until about age 20, I believe. =) Happiness is a pretty easy thing to buy a four year old. He has lots of growing up to do yet, but I am confident he is going to grow into just the man he was meant to be. It's kind of wild having a front row seat to the process, but one that will have lots of stories to share with him through the years too!
Our other big not-so-great-thing-to-celebrate is that the house that we are living in and renting as we wait for our home back in Michigan to sell has just sold. We have 40 days or less to be packed up and moved out. It seems like we just did that and as I recall, I wasn't all that thrilled about it either! So, this time around we will be moving somewhere local. We jus don't have a clue as to where yet. And it gets a bit more complicated as we would like to stay in the same part of town so the girls don't have to switch schools- or so that we don't have to drop them off and pick them up everyday. We would also like to find a house that meets some of our big needs- especially when it comes to Wyndham. That means ideally we would love a full bathroom and if we get really lucky, a bedroom for her on the main floor too. But so far a home to rent for our size family that meets those needs hasn't presented itself to us. Yet. So feel free to join us in praying for those things to end up on our next home's checklist. Feel free to pray that our house in Michigan would get a buyer too. It's been on the market for 10 months now and we have yet to get an offer that comes close to our asking price.
I am trying not to stress out and worry about it. I know that we are 40 days or less away from being in our next place. It would be a miracle if we could call that next place "home" for more than a 12-month lease agreement. I have my doubts. But at the same time I am trying to believe in a miracle too!
In the meantime, I am scrapping. In part for fun. In part to take my mind off of things out of my control. And in part because I just love when my kit arrives each month and I have fresh ideas ready to scrap with great products! The sneak peeks you see here are from Cocoa Daisy's upcoming October kit called "Aspen Grove." The kit and add-ons will be available soon...and they have been selling out more and more quicly each month. So get ready to grab one this time around!

Why I love to scrap...

When I am "in the zone", everything I see and experience becomes an idea, inspiration or trigger that makes me want to scrap and create something. I am so happy to say that that feeling and desire has returned to me in full force the past couple of months. I know it may sound crazy to some, but I will admit that I actually included scrapping in my prayer life. I have written about my struggle with depression and just feeling like life was getting the best of me from about the time Wyndham had her major surgery and I had a newborn plus  other kiddos to care for at the same time. I had already "let scrapping go" in a way because the site and friends I had been so active and close with at SIStv shut down and most of us went our seperate ways since we are actually miles and miles apart in the physical world.

So as things became progressively overwhelming in life and I became progressively bitter about parts of my life, the thing I felt least like doing at that time was documenting the details of my life. The details were not "pretty". They weren't fun. Or exciting. Or even different. There were stretches in that time of my life where I went days without even leaving the house. One stretch was a full 17 days! It wasn't for lack of my wanting to leave; but the fact was I couldn't leave. Chip and I were {and still are} Wyndham's full-time caregivers. When she was in double casts, we were the ones to change every diaper {and we still do}, administer pain meds round the clock, bathe her as best we could, and get anything and everything she needed, since she was immobile. It was and sometimes still is exhausting, just to meet her daily needs. Throw in 4 other rambunctious, growing, healthy kids and one newborn nursing baby into that equation, and it's no wonder I couldn't step foot out my front door to even get the mail at that time. Chip would grab groceries on his way home from work every couple of days, and other than dropping off and picking up the kids from school, we were stuck at home.

It was hard. It felt unfair. It was smothering. It was tiring.  I can't tell you the number of loads of laundry I did. I can't tell you the number of times I wished I had a different set of life circumstances at that point in time. I can't tell you how many months Chip and I didn't even get to sleep in the same room- much less go out and have some one-to-one couple time without worrying about meeting someone's needs.

It was a time when our world seemed very small. And yet our "problems" felt very big and real.

Flash forward through nearly 2 years and we have come a long, long way.

My attitude has started to come back to the one I remember and love best. The kind of attitude that says, "Yes, rough stuff happens, but we have it oh so GOOD!". The clouds have lifted in my heart one tiny bit at a time as I have watched Wyndham gain at least some strength back and finally gotten to the point where she can move around on her feet instead of a chair. She is not "the old Wyndham" that we had before in that she basically sits/stays in one place all day unless we help, ask or demand her to move. She used to walk around the house and play what sh wanted to play and interact with her siblings and do stuff like open the fridge and point to what she wanted to drink. She has an iPad that she loves now. She doesn't use a wheelchair at home, and she is close to herself at least when it comes to her sense of humor being back. So we are thrilled with that type of progress. But I wonder at this point if she will ever be like she used to be. I never want to hold her back, so I support her and push her and we continue to have her in therapies each week.

Teague has gone from newborn to a big 2 year old now. He wants nothing more than to do everything the "big kids" do around here. So that means he has mastered the iPad. And Angry Birds on our cell phones too. He plays hard, eats well, laughs lots, looks for trouble, gets in trouble, still takes daily naps, and basically continues to capture our hearts all while we try to find ways to wrangle him and keep him from too much trouble.

We have moved. We are not settled. But as I wrote earlier in a post about excuses in life, I knew that just because I didn't have spot set up or my scrap supplies unpacked didn't mean I had to give up the creative side of me that was craving the opportunity to make stuff. Between all the demands of life and the stress of not being settled in a home is about the time when I decided to take my 'cravings' to God. Why I didn't just come to Him with one of the great needs of my heart in the first place, I don't know. Maybe it's because I think in comparison to some problems in my own life and certainly in our big world around all of us, it just didn't seem to deserve a spot in my prayers. Maybe it's because I just felt like I should be able to meet my needs in that area of my life all on my own. Maybe it's because in all the Bible stories I have ever read since I was a little girl I don't ever recall anyone asking God to give them opportunities to scrap and create stuff.

But for me scrapping isn't just about cutting and gluing and playing around with cute stickers and ribbons and stuff. It has been so much more than that to me. The most important part of it has been the friendships I have established with other scrappers/creative people. These people have become a part of my life and connecting with people who have the same passion for the same kind of stuff is a truly wonderful thing to me. It has gone beyond sharing pictures and projects- to sharing hopes, fears and even wild dreams too. It's true I was missing the "stuff". But more than that I was missing the people who love to share that stuff and love to see me share too. It has been more than just putting memories and photos down on pages and in mini books. Scrapping in my life has opened doors and given me expereinces with people I would otherwise never have crossed paths with in my daily life. It has stretched me creatively and grown a part of my heart that I would have otherwise never have known existed.

It has become a way for me to share what's in my heart in a tangible way. It has become a wonderful outlet for me to express some of the funny or serious, or simple and quirky, or heartfelt and fleeting things that touch my heart and mind. I used to think that scrapping meant you took your kids' school photos and glued them to a page with stickers and the name of their teacher that year. But it is so much more than that. One of the things I love most about creating pages and other things is that there are no set rules. There are no 'right or wrong' ways of doing things. You don't have to put your pictures on a straight line. You don't have to match your alphabet letters to your paper. Anything goes. You don't even need pictures. You can just make what you want, how you want to, and out of whatever you want to use. And in the process of doing that stuff I have made some great friends and filled a few albums with pages of stories and pictures that I hope will give the people I love glimpses of what was on my heart and mind at that time.

Being a part of the Cocoa Daisy community has been an answer to my prayer. I was asking God to give me ways to connect with others {being a stuck-at-home mom is hard work!} and ways to tap into the creative side of life that I had been missing and craving. Without even knocking on it or looking for it, the door to Cocoa Daisy swung open. I felt from the first moment that it was God's way of answering my prayer. I am so thankful that He is a God who cares about the smallest details of our lives. I know I have bigger,pressing needs (like selling a house, for one) in life, but I love that God sees our hearts when we open them to Him and He even meets our needs in ways that surprise us.

The pages I share with you today are a couple that I created using the September kit called, He Said, She Said. It goes on sale to anyone that wants one on September 1st. That page about Teague in his sock monkey jammies just makes me happy. I cut strips and strips of paper and stapled them down and then added a bunch of little details that I thought were so fun. He has outgrown those little pajamas, but I couldn't help but want to hold on to my memory of him in them anyway. I called him, "Mr. Monkey Pants" in the morning when I would get him out of his crib. So the journaling reads, "You may grow up and hold a distinguished title someday, but I'll always be grateful that you started out as Mr.Monkey Pants to me."

The second page is a snapshot of some of us eating ice cream cones on the front step. We haven't taken big trips or done major summer outings as a family, but just seeing the smiles on our faces made me realize we have such an amazing life regardless of the stuff we might not have. Just recognizing that the ordinary days of summer- where we are all healthy and together and laughing and eating ice cream- is a gift and I am grateful for every ordinary day we have.

My heart is full right now. I love that scrapping fills it up a bit too.

Through the clouds...

{ Photo credit goes to Sante.boschianpest originally posted here. } I've been heavy hearted for a long while now. There are many reasons why that is, but today I am beginning to see a tiny bit of Light breaking through the clouds. Or possibly it is that I have been walling out the Light and am finally at the point of being vulnerable enough to crack open my heart and let something into my brokeness again. Either way I just have to say that it feels amazing to sense that a brighter day is coming. Even if it's still a long way off. I am going to trust that Joy is closer than I think and I'm choosing to seek it again. I have been soul searching and asking tough questions of God and faith and wondering how come He doesn't make life easier when He holds that power. Not that I have a right to know- but sometimes I feel like I need answers before I can move forward and take the next step. This is how God spoke to me today. As I stood in my kitchen with my hands scrubbing dishes in soapy, warm water. I heard unmistakeable truth. I know I'm not alone in wondering and questioning and feeling as though God has turned a deaf ear to my cries sometimes. So today I share with you what God impressed on my heart and mind in hopes that it might encourage someone else. Someone like you. "Faith is not the absence of asking questions, but the ability to press on without all the answers." The prayer I jotted down in my journal today reads: Thank you, God, for giving me Your peace and presence in times when I find myself at the end of my rope. I praise You for holding on to me when I'm the one ready to let go. Thank you for helping my hurting heart to trust and rest in You. Amen. I pray that God will shine through whatever darkness clouds your life today. I'm so grateful for the promise that the best is yet to come!

For those of you who are checking in on us...

{Cookie photo and recipe credits go to Dawn Finicane at Vanilla Sugar blog.}
I made a batch of these cookies tonight and ate some of the dough plus two cookies. For dinner. The kids ate an actual meal before they got their cookies, but I didn't get around to the dinner part. That's sort of how things are going around here right now.
Not bad.
But not really the way they should be.
Or how we wish things could be.
Having a newborn in the house is a challenge.
Having a fiesty, possibly ADD 2-year old in the house is a challenge.
Having a 9 year old in diapers and unable to speak is a challenge.
Having your challenged 9-year old in double-casts is even more challenging.

Trying to keep life "normal" for the other three who go to elementary and middle school is a challenge just because of all the other challenges.
I have to admit I feel like we're in over our heads most of the time. I also will admit that I realize things could be worse too. Much worse. Or should I say, more challenging.

It's not the end-of-the-world to eat delicious, fresh-baked big chewy cookies for dinner. It's not like I had a wasitline in the past 9 months anyway. =) I do sit and wonder what God could be trying to teach us in all of this right now. Maybe it is patience. Maybe it is to help us empathize with others who have needs and issues that seem unfair or overwhelming. Maybe it is a time in my life for me to just "be still and listen". I'm not sure what it's all about, but can tell you it is harder than I thought it would be. And I'm not just speaking about the physical challenges. I highly recommend the chocolate chip cookie recipe linked above. And our whole family appreciates those of you who keep checking in on us and lift up prayers for us too. If it weren't for the prayers, I probably wouldn't have gotten to eat dinner tonight, nor cookies. So, thanks for praying.
From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

She picked orange.

Wyndham came home from the hospital yesterday. Just under 48 hours after surgery. We never expected her to do so well, but she was taking her pain medication without incident, so her doctor gave her the green light. I have to say that we were not prepared for such a good response from her. Typically she is extremely sensitive when it comes to nausea and medication, but I know there were so many of you praying for her that it shouldn't have been such a surprise that she came out of this surgery so well.

As you can see, Wyndham picked orange for her cast color. It's her favorite color. The surgeon said she was ready for Halloween and hunting opener. =) We are settling in as best we can- considering there is a 2-year old and a newborn in our house too. There is a lot of activity and not a whole lot of 'safe' places for Wyndham to spend her time. She has to be moved by Chip and can sit up in her wheelchair, or be in her bed or on the couch. I have a feeling that the next couple of months are going to feel long for all of us. Just trying to change diapers and figure out things like bathing and teeth brushing are presenting small challenges. Your prayers for our patience and stress to be kept to a minimum are appreciated.

I also have a feeling that once this ordeal is all over, we will be thrilled to have "normal" back. It will feel extraordinary!

So far she's been a trooper!

My apologies for taking so long in posting an update. Besides entertaining my parents (actually the kids are doing a good job of that!), staying busy with a 6-week old baby, wrangling a two year old who just learned how to climb out of his crib this week, and keeping the other kiddos on track, I was able to spend time with Wyndham for just a bit as she got settled into her hospital room last night. Chip has been with her the entire stay and has given me updates and good reports. Thanks so much for your prayers!
We are happy to report that the surgery went well and so far the recovery has been going better than we had expected. Today Wyndham was able to keep down liquids and later ate soft foods for dinner. She has tolerated oral pain meds and has had minimal nausea. I have no doubt that the prayers said on her behalf are the reason she is doing so well at this phase in the whole process. Chip even took her to a little "party" down the hall from her room where the Michigan Whitecaps mascot and a couple of players were visiting patients at her Children's hospital. She even gave the mascot a high 5. I have to admit I was more than surprised to hear that from Chip.
We're hopeful that she will do well through the night tonight and we'll get an update from her surgeon when he does rounds in the morning. It's possible she could be home as early as tomorrow. We so appreciate your thoughts and prayers and truly believe that they are helping to speed the recovery process and also are keeping the stress levels of all of us to a minimum.
Hopefully I'll be posting about Wyndham's homecoming sooner than we thought!

Trading places...

Wyndham's wheelchair arrived at our home yesterday and we were pleasantly surprised at how much interest Wyndham showed in trying it out. This is her with Grandma Genie this morning as we got her ready to leave for the hospital today. She was all smiles and so happy to get rides around the house. She kept holding up one finger- indicating she wanted "one more ride".

I have no greater longing in my heart today than to trade places with her and go through the pain she will bear. It's not often in this world that we wish to trade comfort and happiness for pain and suffering. Since I am unable to do for her what my heart longs to do, I instead am pouring my heart out in prayer for her and trusting in a great big God to hear those prayers, to touch her in a special way, and to bring healing and peace as only He can.

Thanks for joining me, for Wyndham, today. Her surgery starts at 12 noon (eastern) and will wrap up in early evening. I will post another update when I get that chance.

Sometimes life gets a little more challenging...

That is certainly the case for our family this week. Wyndham will be having major surgery on Wednesday, Sept. 29th. She isn't fully aware of what is to come, nor what to expect. As you can see from her photos here, she is doing well right now and is very happy and healthy!
We (Chip and I) have known this day was coming for a long while now, but that doesn't make it any easier. I know that many of you will be praying for her, for her doctors, and for all our family as we help care for Wyndham during her recovery. It will be a long process and I just wanted to share what is involved.
Wyndham will be undergoing double-foot realignment surgery which will hopefully resolve the issue of her feet turning more and more outward. Left untreated, she faces problems with bone formation as well as ongoing and long-term chronic pain in her joints, back, spine and neck.
The surgery itself will take approximately 5 hours. It involves taking a bone graft from her pelvic bone and placing a wedge of that bone on the outer side of both her feet, and then the tendons in the back of each leg will be lengthened too.
We are most concerned with how Wyndham will come out of the recovery itself and then in order to be discharged from the hospital she needs to be taking oral meds for managing her pain. On both counts we have concerns because of how Wyndham has done in the past. She typically has a weak stomach and can have extreme nauseau. She also has issues with swallowing pills
and so we anticpate that she may have a longer hospital stay than the expected 2 day stay.
Once she comes home we are not totally sure what to expect as far as how challenging her needs will be. She will be in casts for a minimum of 8 weeks, and could face another 4 weeks beyond that, and then she will be fitted for orthodics. We will be her primary caregivers and know that it is going to be demanding on her and the rest of us. That is why we so appreciate your prayers in the coming days and weeks.
This all stems from her original brain injury sustained as a young infant in the Old Depot tragedy. We have watched Wyndham go through so many medical procedures and therapy/rehab for over 9 years now and sometimes we just feel tired and sad when we
think about what she has yet to face. Still, we are trusting in the God that has healed her in the past and hoping that He will give her more grace and mercy as she endures more pain and recovery.
Sometimes it just feels so unfair and it definitely tugs at our hearts to have to be at her side as she undergoes yet another struggle. But we're thankful to be her parents and family; we feel lucky that this will be her first major surgery since her shunt was placed and she's enjoyed many happy days that some doctors wondered if she'd ever have at all.
We hope that the next couple of months will be opportunity for our family to become stronger, to lean harder on the God in whom we trust, and a good reminder to never take the simple, "ordinary days" we have for granted. They are special and we look forward to having many more of them with Wyndham and all our other kids too.
I will be posting frequent updates on my Face Book wall as well as occasional blogposts here too. Fell free to stay in-the-loop with us as we go through these challenges with Wyndham.
We appreciate your love, prayers, thoughts and cares every step of the way!
Jody & Chip and family too

Three weeks...

Teague is three weeks! That 3 weeks went by rather quickly, if I do stop and think about it. Although I don't have too much time to stop and think about it. =)

I am trying to take it all in and just soak up the one-on-one time that newborns demand of their mommies because I know just how fast this little guy will grow. I am also so thankful for each and every one of your thoughts, prayers and to those who left comments when I was hurting and angry the other day, I especially appreciate the time you took to do so. It is one of the things that Chip and I learned we needed- very early on when dealing with grief- friends, family and even "strangers" help to carry the weight of what we feeling. Sometimes just knowing that someone is aware of what you are going through helps make the journey sting just a tiny bit less. So thank you for those prayers! Feel free to leave scripture references, quotes or lyrics/links to music too. I don't always feel that I have the strength of faith that so many of you seem to 'see' when you read this blog and I am always looking for ways to grow my faith- especially when it feels weak. I'll be digging in deep for the next 3 weeks as Wyndham's surgery approaches. As much as I hurt for what she is going to have to go through physically, we ALL are going to go through some rough stuff emotionally, mentally and spiritually too. I don't want to be unprepared... and I think my heart needs to be readied for what is yet to come.

* * * * *

My dad spoke at Teagan's memorial services and one of the things he shared has stuck with me and served me more than once in the past 9 years. With September 11th on my heart and mind for another year too, it seems appropriate to share these thoughts.

He and my mom were visiting my sister in Cancun and had to take a ferry to their resort earlier in the year 2001. My dad has never liked 'the water' and on this particular day the waves and winds were especially high and strong. The ferry boat was really rocking- much to my dad's dismay. He went out to the deck for some fresh air and my sister offered this insight/helpful hint to him. She told him that the locals say if you keep your eyes on the horizon when the winds and waves get strong that you feel less of the motion. The fixed place for your eyes helps to give you balance and a better sense of calm.

My dad said that it really worked when he tried it.

When our tragedy struck just a few months later my dad thought back to that day on the ferry. And now, even though the winds and waves of life were figurative rather than literal, he felt the same truth applied. When we fix our eyes on God/Heaven- the One who is constant and the Prize that awaits us, then the world can fall apart and swirl around us, but we can have a sense of peace and calm just knowing that God has it all in His hands. We can trust that our anchor is going to hold and we will make it through the storm. And often times we'll come out stronger on the otherside as a result.

So that is one of the things I am telling myself in the next 3 weeks. We face some unknowns, but we can be confident that God is bigger than whatever comes our way. He's never failed us yet!

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you."

As I get poked in the side by a foot...

Hi and thanks to everyone who offered Happy Anniversary wishes as well as suggestions for my itchy arm condition with this pregnancy. Chip and I didn't manage to get away from our duties with work/family on our anniversary, but I did have a non-stress test for the baby and then an ultrasound today. Everything appears to look good and 'normal' at this point, but my doctor has me on the books to head to the hospital a few days early if that doesn't happen on its own by Thuursday of this coming week. SO, there is an end to my sleepless/itchy nights- at least to be replaced by caring for a newborn rather than icing my arms with icepacks. =)
Also, I have had a few questions/emails about keeping everyone posted (at least as much as possible while hooked up to IV poles and fetal monitors and whatever other fun stuff the nurses have in store for me) and that will most likely happen through Face Book status updates on my page or Chip's. I added a link to the left here and feel free to add me as your friend- just let me know you read this blog and you're in! =)
Hopefully it will all be exciting and uneventful all at the same time. Not that I know how to make that happen- but we're going to try! As always, we appreciate your prayers for our family and look forward to sharing more stories and photos as soon as time allows. There's bound to be some major adjustments, and I have a feeling that will include a few noteworthy Nitty.Gritty. blogposts for you.
Now... wish me luck as I go try to take a quick nap before dinner!

"Because we don't know what to expect..."

Tomorrow Wyndham has a doctor appointment with her endocronologist. There was a time in my life when I had never heard of an endocronologist. Now I am hoping that she gets good news from him- again. Several months ago we were able to stop giving Wyndham her hormone shot each night for the first time in 7 years. It's been so wonderful to not have a shot be part of our bedtime routine. She hasn't missed getting them and we've been relieved to not have to give them. It just seems to make the bedtime ritual that much easier without the hassle and pain of shots. However, tomorrow may be the day we find out if she has to start back on them. We are hoping for the best for Wyndham once again. I'd love if you'd hope along with us too!
Ever since the day she was discharged from Hurley Hospital in August of 2001 we have hoped for the best for her. We have always hoped for the best for all of our children, but Wyndham has had the most frequent and extreme medical needs for hope out of all of the kids. This month makes me think back to how things were, how they might have been, and just how our reality is different than I ever imagined it to be as a result of our tragedy. It doesn't take much to bring me down or for me to start feeling sorry for myself or the rest of my gang. We have been through a lot and it seems there is always some sort of reminder of that. It even happened at dinner tonight.
Chip called and said he would be home in time for dinner and I then turned off the pan of water I was starting to boil for macaroni and cheese and instead I got the kids together to get their flip flops on and take a quick bathroom break. We had a luxury family dinner at our local Perkins- two of our kids even got to eat free with our adult purchases. =) But the part that hit me was when we had them circle the picture on their kids menu of what they wanted to eat for dinner. Three of them picked chocolate chip pancakes.
That just happens to be the last thing Teagan ever ate in her life. I'll never forget it.
So, that's just one of the things that can bring a wave of emotion back into my heart and mind. I have learned to embrace and live with these "waves" and accept them when they come. Most often they make me smile more than choke up- because for me to have instances where memories and reminders of Teagan come rushing back is a good thing. They sort of feel like little heart-tugs/hugs from her. I remind myself that I am lucky to have had time with Teagan and luckier still that I haven't ever fully let her go. She's still a part of my life- no matter how much time passes.
But I will admit to you that I do hurt over the loss and the pain and the troubles that Wyndham continues to carry with her every single day. Most days she gets along well and seems to be as happy or happier than the rest of the kids in our family. Even on the days when things don't always go well for her she still has a smile or a twinkle in her eye or some sort of silly thing to show us through her use of sign or just by being her. She has major delays and can't talk or run like the others, but she somehow manages to keep her chin up.
I credit her for being the inspiration and drive behind me wanting more out of life when life was giving us a whole lot of hurt. At the time of her hospital discharge her team of doctors couldn't offer us a long-term prognosis of any kind. In fact, I even remember some of them saying they didn't know what to tell us, because the truth is they didn't know what to expect. They were surpised that she had survived her inital injuries and brain surgery and none had any experience with the recovery process from such traumatic injuries. She just sort of left them all speechless and amazed. We sort of felt the same way, but as parents we were the ones to take her home to "wait and see what happens".
We've been watching her heal and grow and change for almost 9 years now and in almost every respect we've been blown away at just how much she has been able to overcome. So tomorrow as she heads to yet another doctor appointment, we don't know what to expect. But we're going to do what we always do and that is this: we will pray and thank God for all He has done in Wyndham's life and we will hope for more of the best. Goodness knows she deserves it!

Heartache and Joy.

Their story has touched me since we first swapped emails a few years ago. I have invited you, my friends, to pray several times for Jaymun and his family. Today Jaymun is healed and in Heaven. But his family will need our prayers more than ever.
I invite you to pray and sign his guest book if you are so inclined. My heart aches for them and rejoices at the same time. They will see Jaymun again. But in the meantime, their journey is far from over. Thanks for caring. And praying. I know they appreciate it.

She's got spunk and other stuff...

Here are some recent pictures of Wyndham. She's been having a great summer. She has done great with her new bike and has had some fun outings with her friends at therapy (Hope Network) as well as with our family. It's hard to explain some of her issues sometimes because to us she is just Wyndham. We treat her as 'normal' as the rest of the kids as much as possible and we all love her so much. She's got the best personality and has even gotten a little bit "sassy" the past few months. In the last picture here, she snapped her fingers using the sign "no" to me when I asked for a smile for the camera. I was actually just as happy to catch her signing no! =)

Funny girl.

Anyway, as many of you know, she faces extensive surgery for realignment in her feet/ankles. It's something that has come as sort of a surprise to us when it was first mentioned after an orthopedic consult last spring. Tomorrow (Monday morning) Wyndham has her second surgical consult. It's sort of a second opionion/clarify/make analysis based on some of the procedures she's already done in gearing up for surgery. We appreciate your prayers for her and our family as we get yet one step closer toward what needs to be done. It's not an easy thing, especially since she is healthy and doing so well right now.

I'm praying that whatever she has to endure next won't break her sweet spirit. Everything else is sort of "fixable". Still, it's scary to think of what she will go through and harder yet to imagine what it will demand from her and all of us. Thankfully we feel as though we are in good hands and feel comfortable with her surgeon so far. We feel even more calm knowing we're in God's hands...the greatest Physican of all.

Party recap.

Bella's party was a lot of fun for all of us on Saturday. We even managed to get a family photo. That makes two already this summer! =) The cupcakes were a hit with everyone. It seems that chocolate, chocolate peanut butter cup is a universal favorite among kids of all ages. We rounded out the party with pizza, gift opening and an outdoor movie on the deck. Bella chose "Wall*e" so the boys wouldn't mind watching alongside of her and her friends. Seven is a fun age.

We did learn one important thing from this party and that is if you make chocolate cupcakes in cute patterned liners, you don't end up seeing the cute patterns after they bake. We're going to see what happens when you make white, yellow or pink cupcakes next. Cupcakes bring happiness no matter what the day. In fact, I think we're making cupcakes again tomorrow. Because remembering Teagan is a really good excuse for cupcakes.

Thanks for thinking of our family at this time of year. Some of you have already sent thoughts our way as we mark another annivesary of our family's tragedy. It's a tough reminder and yet we always seem to find a way to make the day special and even light-hearted most years.

I plan to post some thoughts later today or tomorrow. You know I've got something to say. =)In the meantime, please be praying for a couple of little guys who need major medical miracles... both Jaymun and baby Stellan would love to be healed! I'm sure their parents would all love some rest for their worried hearts too. I've been praying and will keep on praying and trust that God is good.

All the time.