All that glitters~

You can be sure that with more than a three week abscence in blogposts that much has happened in my heart and life. And yet nothing has happened. Which is proving to be the biggest challenge I have had to endure the past month. I am learning lots of lessons. I am seeing more clearly what kind of person I truly am. Honestly, it's been ugly to see the real me in many regards- deep down (or maybe not even all that deep down!) I am a control-freak with a few dashes of immaturity and a dose of doubt thrown in for not-so-good measure too. I don't really like the me that has surfaced while going through this process of having a house sold out from under us with virtually no options opening up for us as to where our family is supposed to go next.
I have had to flex the faith muscle that I have been growing and exercising since I was a very young girl. I have said it in posts here since my earliest online writings- I have a strong faith and believe fully in God who is more than able to provide for my deepest needs. It doesn't matter if those needs are physical, emotional, spiritual; I have put my trust in Him and have been blessed by His faithfulness to more than provide for me over and over and over again. To the point where it seems like there is no way I could begin to doubt who He is and how He is able to meet those needs.
But guess what?
My faith isn't nearly as big or as strong or as steadfast as I might have like to think it was. In the past few weeks as Chip and I have poured ourselves and every free minute {besides the ones where I have been scrapping for my stress relief!} into trying to find a place for our family of 8 to live, I have waivered, cried, wept, prayed, vowed never to pray again, cared so much, not cared at all, surrendered, taken it all back, reminded myself of all God has done, put Him to the test again, opened my heart, closed my eyes, yelled more than I would ever like to have to admit, whispered pleadings so strong that no Father, it seems, could sit back in silence. And yet that is where I find myself sitting today.
It has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.
I have thrown out questions and begged for wisdom and direction. I have asked for doors to swing open. And more recently, have been given some wisdom and now am at the point of asking for every single door to swing shut except for the one that God would want us to walk through.
What do you want from me, God?
How are we to know that we are making the right choice?
We only want to be where you want us to be and can use us the most?
Why does something as 'easy' as finding a house to live in have to be this hard??
When is it someone else's turn to have to live through a life challenge like this one- because we have already lived through and learned some of life's toughest lessons of all! Right?
Right, God?
Apparently not.
Because in the moments of my tears flowing and my anger rising and my heart breaking, I have been gifted a calm spirit and I have been reminded of verses and songs that clearly remind me that He is beyond understanding and yet He wants to be fully known. As I said, I have had to wonder and sit confused and turn open my Bible and my daily devotionals for words and truths that point right back to what I knew and yet have to "relearn" over and over again. And that is this:
God is always in control.
God wants to me look to Him for every provision in life.
He doesn't want me to have long stretches in life where I sit back and simply coast along, because I would become lazy or self-sufficient or even prideful of the ease I would have. Instead, being in a place where I can do absloutely nothing about what is happening around me except trust in Him for what is coming next- that is where God shows Himself to be powerful, faithful, kind and true.
Even in human terms, if a father were to give their kids everything they wanted whenever they wanted it, those kids would never learn to appreciate; they would come to expect and be demanding and self-serving, inconsiderate and without compassion for giving in return. To expect that our God wants to just give us whatever we want whenever we want it and never have to be patient or dependent upon Him would be for us to miss out on His amazing love. He loves so much He is even willing to let us hurt at times. He is willing to let us stew and be angry or confused or impatient and immature. His love for us is so deep that He is willing to make us walk step by excruciating step UP a rough mountainside and keep moving us in that direction without even hinting as to how far and tall or big the mountain really is. And once we have gotten part way and we are sure we have walked far enough and we are tired and weary and worn and want to be done climbing, His love is greater and far reaching than that.He nudges us on another step higher. And further up the mountainside. Until at times we can hardly gasp for air and we think our insides will break because we simply cannot go on- and truth be told, we have walked to long and far and high we have frankly forgotten why we are even on this mountainside at all.
It cannot be for the fun of it. There is no thrill in climbing when you cannot see beyond the next step in front of you, nor can you find any rest of comfort or ease along the way. It becomes such a burden and the idea of going higher only makes you want to turn back around and start using the tiny bit of energy that you have left in you for the journey back down instead. You cannot muster the strength to move forward, so you pause and think about turning back. And about that time, your feet begin to slip. Your pack of supplies is heavy and weighing you down and your body is spent so you stumble a step or two. As you begin to question how you even got "talked into" starting this climb at all, you turn back to peer up the mountain to see if you can catch any glimpse of the mountaintop and in so doing possibly find a tiny bit of renewed strength or hope to continue the climb.
You can't. So you cling to the rock on which you stand for another moment or two. In that space of not knowing how or why or where, you take a deep breath and find rather than pain, you feel a peace. You sense that there is no way you would have ever, EVER gotten this far if you have not believed there was something glorious and worthwhile at the top. You close your eyes and say, God, I do not know how I am going to make it. I have no clue how far I have yet to climb. But I vow once again to simply do my best and trust you to give me the strength and energy and will to get there.
Because of His great love for us, God not only doesn't leave us sitting alone, weary and worn, on the side of the mountain. He comes alongside us {through words to songs or in the form of a warm, fresh-baked apple pie and visit from friends, or through a well-timed scripture verse that affirms who He is and always has been to this point}; He sometimes even picks us up and carries us. His love for us is so high, so deep, so wide and so strong, that He allows us to ache step-by-step along the path to which He has called and guided our steps because He knows that when we come to the place- the mountaintop place to which He promises to bring us, the view will be so magnificent and overwhelming and stunning that it will stop us in our tracks at the very instant all our pain that has consumed us in our journey washes away. He created the mountain. He created the view from the top. He knows just how rugged and tiresome and tasking it is to get there.
But He has promised to be our Guide, our comfort, our Strength and our Supply. His love for us is so deep that He must know that to give us a glimpse of the view along the way would threaten to take away from the mountaintop experience. Much like kids who discover what their gifts are through shaking their Christmas presents under the tree before it is actually time to open and receive them. It's not half as fun to open that present when you know what's in it compared to the total joy and delight and ripping that gift open and being completely and utterly surprised.
All this to say, I know that my God is so big, so strong, so mighty, so loving, so good, so enduring, so utterly faithful that I do not have to even have a glimpse of His plan to keep trusting in it. I trust Him fully. Even though I have had to get to that place by walking some very rough terrain.
Yesterday I sat at our back entry space and looked at some piled up boxes that have been lining the room just inside the garage door for 10 months now. There were a couple of boxes that I had never even looked at because I knew when we moved into this house it was just a temporary rental place until our house sold and we found some place new. We never moved in here and made it our home. We never dreamed it would be almost a year that we would be here and so that also played into my wanting to just keep things boxed up and ready to go for the next move. So the piles have been piled and taking up space all this time. I opened up and started reorganzing a couple of them. Then I came to a box marked, "Garage sale items- girls clothes". I knew I hadn't boxed it up when we moved here so I realized it must be from our last move. That was many years ago. I opened it up thinking I would find clothes I could give to my friends who have little girls of their own right now and I wanted to check the sizes and see who I might be able to pass these items to. When I opened it I recognized the clothes immediately. Most of the things in that box were clothes that Teagan had worn and I know I hadn't seen them for a very long time. My sisters boxed up a lot of her clothing soon after she died and while I was still at Hurley Hospital waiting for Chip and Wyndham to get well enough to come back home. So it is likely I hadn't seen these things since before Teagan died. I know I get chided for talking and writing about Teagan's death and how I am still so often reminded of her life even in my day-to-day activities more than a decade later. I know there are some who will never understand why I write as much as I do about my grief journey and how my little girl's death still impacts my life. I know there are people who believe that "life moves on and you must get over it for your own health". But here's the thing.
I don't go looking for ways to be reminded of Teagan- except for on the days I choose to do so. Like on her birthday. And when we celebrate Coke Float Day. Or when the leaves change color because she loved the new shades of red and yellow and orange of the leaves so much. I don't sit by a CD and play her favorite tunes or stare at pictures wishing her back. That is all a part of the process of letting go. But there are moments or events or reminders of my Teagan that sometimes present themselves in ways I cannot create on my own. And I have learned that those moments must be lived and processed just the same. So I lifted a few of the items out of that box yesterday. And my throat got tight and my eyes started to burn and the tears bulged over my lower lids and started to flow down. I reached into the box and pulled out a pair of Teagan's pink glitter shoes. She had worn them as part of a Halloween costume...but worn them as often as she could. To places like Glen's Market while we grocery shopped. To church. To Daddy's golf club. To 7-11 with Lizzy as she and Brock rode in the double stroller to go get slurpees.
Suddenly this box and all its contents overwhelmed me and I wondered how it had gotten lost or mixed in with other storage items all this time and I had never even missed it. I wondered how it was that even after not seeing these items for more than 10 years the memories came flooding back as though I had watched Teagan dance and jump in her shoes just yesterday. I wept. I ached. I got angry for a moment all over again. I missed her so much. I recalled her joy and smiles and sheer happiness that filled her up when she put these little pink glitter shoes on. I ached that my other girls are now too big to fit in these shoes and have their chance to dance in them too.
I realized that all of life is a part of who we are and that our stories take such twists and turns and go from lows to highs to more highs and lows that surely there must be One who loves us and can make the 'storyline' an incredible read when it's all said and done.
I sit in a place where I feel I have done more than my share of climbing this rough mountainside. I have seen some amazing views along the way. But honestly I am tired and don't even know why I keep climbing at times. This is that time. It seems like there is no ryhme or reason as to why the journey has brought us here. The timing couldn't be worse. We are ready for a view "from the top". But even as I sit here and wonder, I am reminded that being still is never a crime. Looking back to see how far we've come doesn't make us weak- but instead can give us renewed strength and new resolve to move forward and get one step closer to the top. Knowing that God is with us each step of the way whether we like this part of the climb or not is an act of mercy He pours out on us. I know He loves us and won't let us fall. Even though the journey is steep at this point. In the next couple of weeks something has to happen. One of the options at this point is for me to go back to our home in Michigan with the kids while Chip stays here in MN to work and hopefully our home will sell. It seems like a wild, ridiculous option. But I am putting all my trust and gratitude in the One who knows and even created the view from which I will see this story played out. It might not be rosy and fun or even reasonable for us to have to take this next step. But I know that He keeps us close and can be trusted every single step of the way.

Five days a week this is what it looks like at our house...

Wyndham gets her jacket on and Chip stops home to pick her up to take her to therapy. Teague gets a thrill out of seeing Daddy for a minute, demands a kiss, waves bye-bye and then keeps watch out the window until they are both completely out of sight.

Sometimes it seems like the "scenes" in my life will never change. I've been changing Wyndham's diapers for over 10 years now; that will likely never, ever change. She's had ongoing therapy {speech, physical therapy and occupational therapy, plus now, aqua therapy} ever since being discharged from the hospital in August of 2001. I don't foresee a change in that anytime soon either.

But the smiles she musters- even when she knows she is going to "do her work" and the persistence she has about always trying- even if she doesn't feel like it, those are things I don't think will ever change either. The fact that I get to be the one that she presses her hands against and the shoulders she leans on as she gets ready day after day today felt like a gift all over again. To know that she depends on me and looks to me and expects me to do the things she can't do for herself filled me not with a feeling of burden, or something to dread or feel pitiful about, but rather it feels like maybe this is the very thing I was created for.

Maybe it was Oprah's new show "Lifeclass" that triggered something in me for my heart to see with new eyes- even though I haven't even watched a single show. I've wondered about a "higher calling"- a greater purpose in my routine days for several years now. Today I was overcome with the thought that maybe in searching for something more, it's actually in accepting the way it is that therein lies my 'freedom'- my calling. In being less of me, I am more for someone else. In a small way it is what I think of when I imagine the hands of Mother Teresa as she held the wounded, the broken and the least of these. It was simply her presence that lifted others and made them "something". It was her willingness to sacrifice all that she became "great".

In that same- but obviously I'll never compete with the acts of such a woman- I am realizing that maybe, just maybe my being I am fulfilling more than I could ever know.

My being present.

My being love.

My being patient.

My being content.

My being baking cupcakes.

My being laundry lady.

My being disciplinary.

My being sorry.

My being content rather than seeking more.

My being open to routine, rather than feeling I need to create "splendor".

My being sensitive enough and compassionate enough and forgiving enough and hopeful enough and always willing to do or help or hold or clean or be leaned on. One more time.

Because that creates a safe place, a comfort zone, a reality for the ones who need me that there will always be enough of me for them and there will always be more for me to give when they hurt or want or need advice or feel like they are somehow missing their calling.

Maybe my calling is to be assurance to them. Or reassurance if need be.

Maybe a higher calling isn't as high as some of us are searching for. Maybe it is in being made low enough for others to grasp onto that we find that's exactly where we're made to be.

Today I feel more than I have ever felt in my life before, that my calling isn't something for me to attain, but my calling is to be a servant to others. That they might become more of who they were created to be.

When I pause and think about what an enormous task that is, I realize it is 'higher' than anything I've imagined I could be. Like the rock for someone else to stand on. Or the place for someone to fall and not get hurt. It's overwhleming to think that maybe my life's purpose is simply to help guide and shape the ones God has placed in my life so that they might become the fulfillment of themselves. It seems simple. But wow, let me tell you, the implications are enormous. I bow my head and lift the eyes of my heart and say to God, "Lord grant me what I need to do the task. To be the task. To meet the needs and dreams the way you would have me meet them."

Graciously, I hope and pray.

It's never the best photo...

It's never the most techinically correct, nor do I care if everyone is looking into the camera with smiles on their faces- it's more than that to me. Our last family photo with Teagan was taken as we sat together awaiting the 4th of July fireworks. Each year that we've had the opportunity to do so, I have made a point to try to get a family picture snapped. This one was taken yesterday as we sat and waited for our local parade to begin.
It's crazy to me how life has gotten so much harder for us over the past 10 years, rather than as I would have expected it to have gotten "easier". Maybe it is the marking of a decade and that reality sinking in as the end of this month approaches and the 10th anniversary of our tragedy draws near. Maybe it is simply I wish with all my might that I could live the life I imagine in my mind, but wake up to the fact that wishes don't always come true. Maybe it is the fact that Wyndham- who so deserves every good thing that this world has to offer her- has walked such a long, difficult, hard path for almost her whole life, and she is the one I watch sitting on the sidelines having to let life pass her by far too many times that I feel nothing in this world can ever make it up to her anymore.
Maybe it is in the surrendering.
It's still my biggest challenge. To know when to hold on and when to let go.
I feel I've lived it and learned it, and yet it is the lesson that keeps coming up. Time and time again.
I gave up on the "perfect" family photo years ago, thank goodness for that! But I'm still not ready to give up on loving all of us in spite of our imperfections. It's our flaws that keep us holding on. More tightly than I imagined at times, but the blessing is we're all still together. I just never dreamed we would ever have gotten as big as we did! Ten years changes a lot of things- our family looks a whole lot different than it did back then. I wonder what we'll look like in another 10 years! I have no idea, but I can tell you that we won't be perfect then either! =)

Still doing the juggling act...

Sometimes I wish I had been in juggling club back in high school because I feel it might have better prepared me for this time in my life. By this time, I mean having more kids, demands and activities going on around me than I do the ability to meet all those demands and do everything well. I keep trying to remind myself that I am doing the best with what I have, but I still can't shake that feeling of mommy guilt that it's not enough. Why is it so hard for us to let go of our ideals so often? I'm working on that. I'm learning I am more of a perfectionist than I wish I was and with a family as big and diverse in age and skills as mine, it's just not practical to be perfect anymore. Although I think Chip would tell you've I've been less than perfect for a long time now! =)

A couple of these photos I just took this morning as Bella and Ava headed out with Chip to the golf course for the kick off of Junior Golf this year. They were happy to be getting to do an activity and the kids always love to spend a little extra time with their dad this time of year too. Well, they love to spend extra time with him anytime- but especially so during his long summer hours. He makes such an effort to do things with the kids when he has the time. He took Brock and Crew out to hit some balls and play a few holes on Sunday afternoon. I need to give him more credit for all the things he does to lighten the load and make life more fun for us around here than I do. I tend to jump on him most when I get stressed out and overwhelmed and the truth is I need to point out more often all the things he does right and well. We all love him and are grateful to have Chip's flexibilty to help life keep moving along for all of us. I think it's okay for me to wish him a Happy Father's Day a few days early because he is so deserving of praise and also you and I both know I probably won't get a chance to blog again in time! So thanks, Chip, for being such a great dad and an example of what a leader and hard worker looks like. You are loved so much and we promise to tell you and show you that we mean it more around here too!

Now for a quick update on Wyndham and her current situation... we had an in-depth meeting with her surgeon last week and we're all in agreement (we her parents, case manager and therapists) that something hasn't been going well/right with her rehab for several weeks now. Chip and I have been so patient, but growing more and more disappointed and frustrated with how she's just not getting better, and in fact, in some ways has been getting worse. So after more x-rays and examination the doctor seems confident that there shouldn't be a reason for her to not want to bear weight on her feet. We're just unsure why she doesn't want or can't get back to walking. The decision was made to spend the next 2-3 weeks with an intsense physical therapy program as well as adding aqua therapy to her routine. So we're going from a couple of hours a week to sometimes twice daily workouts in hopes that we might see some progress and also to see if we can get her to build some muscle that she keeps losing. Yesterday was Wyndham's first time in a pool in over a year at a therapy center and she did great! She loved it so much she didn't want to get out of the water. It was the one posotive thing we've seen happen in a long time. Now I am hoping and praying that it not only will feel good for her- but that it will actually make a difference for her. If this extra hard work out schedule doesn't yield the results we are hoping for the next step would be to have to admit her to in-patient therapy in Grand Rapids and right now, honestly, I don't know if I can handle the stress and change that we demand of her, me and all of us as a family. I feel like we're already stretched so thin and I don't know where we would get the time, energy or opportunity for us to spend the time with her at a hospital setting for several weeks or months. Not to mention that it's not an easy thing to send your child away for such a lengthy time knowing she has needs unique to her and understood best by tose of us here at home. So feel free to join us in prayer and wishing Wyndham the best outcome we might expect as she is pushed harder the next couple of weeks.

I think one of my biggest life lessons since the death of Teagan and the trials we have endured since then has been to realize that as much as we strive to always do the right thing and to want the best and safest environment for our kids to grow and thrive in so much of what happens is still out of my/our control. There has been an ongoing 'theme' of surrender in our hearts and lives and I still struggle with giving it all up and saying, "whatever happens I simply trust You" and lay it all down for God to do in our lives as HE sees fit.

Life is hard... but God can use it all for His glory. Such a wonderful truth, but so hard to swallow!

Beyond our imaginations.

Life was hectic at our house this week. With several of us having some sort of stomach-bug for the better part of the week it felt long and we're glad to all be on the upswing at this point. The worst of it was when both Chip and I overlapped in not feeling very well. The kids definitely outnumbered us in energy and their needs felt even more demanding. But somehow we managed survive and life is back to "normal" again.

As you can see, Crew creates his own "normal" and keeps us all very entertained around here. Somedays I wonder what I did in my free time before he came along. Other times I remember vividly what I did with my free time before he came along. I blogged more. =)

He's quite the handful, but we couldn't imagine life without him. He gets lots of attention when I take him out on errands to places like the grocery store and Target while he's wearing his winter trapper hat. He didn't like it at first, but now he likes he so he can pretend to "hide" under it and act shy when people talk to him in the aisles of the stores. He's definitely got his own personality and I think sometimes he's a little too smart for his age- but the part of him that's charming just makes him irresistible in the end. To think there was a time in our lives when we nevered dreamed he'd be in it seems crazy. And yet the reality of another little one joining our family is beginning to sink in and within months we'll be saying, "we never imagined life without you in it, Baby".

All that is sort of a prelude to some thoughts I've been mulling over since before Christmas. I learned of my pregnancy about a week or so before the holidays came and went and I found myself deep in thought about many things- including how life doesn't always "go the way we plan" it. I was especially moved as I thought about the journey of Mary and Joseph as they traveled many miles to the town of Bethlehem to register and then while there, found themselves without a place to stay just as the time came for the baby Mary was carrying to be born.

I was thinking about how Mary must have felt- knowing she was carrying the Christ-child and fully trusting (as an angel had told her she would bear God's Son) that God had His hand in every aspect of what was happening to her and Joseph at that time. Still, she must have wondered (out loud or in her heart) how there could be no place for them to stay once they arrived. Afterall, God had brought them there and certainly He had made arrangements in His plan for them to have a nice place to stay and bring His Son into this world. I wonder if she thought someone was just trying to "mess up God's plan", or was she totally surrendered to the idea that God had it all in His hands and it would come to be as He had ordained. I wonder if Joseph felt torn that maybe he had taken a wrong turn somewhere along the journey or felt that God should be leading them somewhere else. I think the two of them must have felt a bit overwhelmed when they "felt" they were in the "right" place and yet it appeared to be a "dead-end".

I have to admit that I might not have been so willing to settle down in a cold, dusty stable and accept that this was God's plan for the birth of Jesus. Yet I also have to admit that at times when life seems so bleak and mixed-up and confusing is most often when I have felt the peace and presence of God so strong that it is undeniable. Those are the times when trusting the unseen hand of God takes little effort. It's beyond my imagination how this happens, but it is a truth I have lived through more than once. It's amazing and true.

I have been feeling somewhat tired in this early stage of pregnancy and also pondered some tough questions as I stated that the reality of another baby is sinking in more and more. We are excited that God is sending another baby into our lives. Yet a big part of me also aches at the same time because I have so many friends and know that lots of people are on a journey of hoping to be where I'm at- expecting a baby- and yet it seems no matter what they try or do or how hard they pray, their journey ends at a "dead-end" time after time. I can't help but feel some of their pain and wonder how God's plan can be trusted when it seems so cold and bleak. Yet I know that God is the Creator of all- from everlasting to everlasting He is God. His timing is always right. His ways are higher. What we find confusing as we walk life's journey so many times turns into something that goes beyond our imaginations as we look back and we can "see" how He in fact did have it all mapped out. Perfectly dependable; totally reliable; Almighty God. I take great comfort in knowing that even when life's path gets bumpy or takes a turn I hadn't planned for, none of it takes God by surprise. He is with us through it all and has our best interest at heart. And He has a BIG heart too!

Maybe you find your own self struggling with something in life right now that seems overwhelming, dark, beyond what you can bear, or simply leaving you without any peace at all. I hope I can be an encouragement to you that God is near and He will see you through. Your journey might not look the way you had imagined it or wish it would look, but God is always in control and when we give our hearts and lives and futures to Him, He promises to make something beautiful out of our offering. That promise gives me peace, joy AND hope! I trust that it does the same for you too!

The invisible connections...

In sharing openly about our loss of Teagan and the sudden reality of trauma, grief, sorrow and heartache in our day-to-day lives our family has made connections in 'real life' and online that we never would have likely encountered had we not shared our story. This 'connection' is something that almost always invisible to the eye, but is powerful and felt so strongly by the heart. Now that it has been several years of sharing our story I am simply amazed at how many people do have this connection to us and we with them- a connection that I treasure and yet ache so deeply for all at the same time.

I recently heard it [death/heartache] described as an invisible knife that one carries in their heart forever. Those who also carry it within often sense it and can relate to others who share this same pain; those who can't 'see it' sometimes press up against it and make it worse (unknowingly many times) or are suddenly made aware of it, but at the same time they can't empathize in the same way because they do not know the depth of the ache and how it feels. I hurt when I learn of others who hurt. I ache on a whole new 'level' post-Teagan's death than I ever did prior to our tragedy. I have come to learn how my hugs and sympathies were so much more empty when life was going good for us, and now when I offer words of comfort or extend a hug, having experienced death and living without Teagan brings new meaning to my words and my hugs are more heartfelt with Teagan's spirit wrapped around them too. I don't know if this even 'makes sense' to anyone that reads it... or maybe it does. I'm still often at a loss of how to explain what my heart feels and then to put it into words is a task all it's own.

What I do know is that our family is not alone when it comes to heartache and loss. There are people everywhere who have stories and memories of loved ones that are etched on their hearts forever too. I know that our experiences and challenges are unique to each other's situations, but there is an invisible connection that ties us all together too.

I get several emails and facebook messages each week from some of you as readers, and also from friends and family who share stories of people that you know, or even you yourself are going through, as it relates to death, trauma, disability or other life challenges that are overwhelming and scary. I am constantly reminded and humbled that my life experiences can 'connect' with others and even encourage many too. I am always touched by the people behind these stories and my heart goes out to them in a very special way. I often find myself in prayer for those of you who are going through painful life (and death) circumstances and feel strongly that one of the purposes for my pain serves to be a comfort to others in theirs. I don't know that I will ever fully understand the purpose of pain and heartache this side of Heaven, but I do know that 'good' can come from it when we give it to God and allow Him to work in us and through us.

I guess all this is spilling over onto the pages of this blog for several reasons. Two of the most beautiful ones you see pictured above- the top photo is Kate and the second little girl is Ava. Their stories and photos were shared with me by friends of theirs and I find myself "instantly" connected- mostly because of my own bright-eyed, curly haired little girl that tugs at my heart to this day. There's something special about little girls, but even moreso when someone emails me and says, "follow this link to their story". I can't help but go and I encourage you to do the same.

Kate's story is one that is still unfolding. She is battling cancer and you can find ways to 'get involved' with her story- whether through prayers for her, by giving to her toy drive or even just being grateful on a new level for your own health and that of those around you.

Ava's story is one that even in her absence continues to touch people around the world through the way her family continues to share her photos and story. I have 'talked' with her mom, Sheye, via emails and I know she would be moved if you would take time to read Ava's story and in turn act accordingly as a result. It doesn't change the fact that they miss Ava, but the hope of never having another family feel the pain they do is one that drives them to share their hurt and invite others to be changed as a result.

There are so many more stories and people that I could highlight and invite you to enter in to their stories too. I hope that many of you are continuing to pray for Jaymun's family as their wounds and heartache are still so fresh and painful. I know they appreciate your care too! I oftentimes wonder why lives are cut so short and questions are left to be asked and pondered. I have yet to come to an understanding of why things happen the way they do, and yet if you have followed here for any length of time you hopefully can see that our family simply trusts God every step of the way- whether the answers are revealed to us or not. Trusting in Him is the very thing that sees us through and this 'invisible connection' to the One who holds the universe in place is the one that we turn to every single day.

To wrap up my thoughts today I want to share with you the short devotional that I read in my quiet time this morning. It's titled "Secure in God" and it comes from a little book called: One-Minute Promises of Comfort by Steve Miller.

The verse for this devotional is Joel 2:27 which simply says,

"I am the Lord your God".

When we are deeply unsettled and feeling unsure about our lot in life, the greatest comfort we have is that we can be sure about God.

Temptations may plague us, and doubts may assail us. Questions may haunt us, and fear may disturb us. We may even reach a point of questioning God's existence, or feel as though He is powerless to help us.

Yet no matter how are circumstances make us feel, there is nothing that can threaten the certainty of who God is and the security of our relationship with Him. To hear Him say, "I am the Lord your God" can give us a sense of restful calm and confidence even in the worst of earthly disasters.

God is God, and nothing can change that. He has committed Himself to caring for you. Doesn't that make you feel secure?

Distorted view- part 2

I recently posted some thoughts I had on what I referred to as having a distorted view. I am visiting this topic again with some further thoughts/insights and sort of 'talking outloud' here. I welcome your thoughts and comments as well. I think dialogue is half the fun of blogging. So feel free to join me when you're done reading this.

The pictures you see here are all of Crew with the exception of the top photo. That one is Teagan at around 7 months and I just share that alongside these photos because I think it's fun to compare features between babies. She and Crew are definitely related! I think they have a few similar personality traits too. They are both a bit feisty, lovable and so full of happiness. I am blessed for sure, to be the mom of them and all their siblings in between. =)

The pictures of Crew outside were taken a day ago and I am just amazed at how grown up he seems all of a sudden since his top 2 teeth have come in. He's losing that baby look so fast! Then there are the pictures of him at the gate. He is trying so hard to figure out how to get past it and head to the downstairs and play alongside of the rest of the kids. He does get to go down and play for short periods of time when I'm supervising him, but there are way too many 'trouble toys' for him to get into if left on his own, that it's not safe for him to be there. But in his mind, he doesn't care about the dangers. He just wants to get down there and play! Oh how he hangs on that gate and even does a little dance sometimes with the excitement he builds just thinking about playing beyond those stairs!

What you can't see is that just around the corner from the gate are piles and piles of toys that are totally safe and available to him whenever he wants to crawl over to them and get his hands on them. There are books and balls and stacking things and rattles and toy phones and chewy things and jiggy things and a whole lot more. But he's focused and persistent at times to just sit or stand at the gate and forego the fun he could be having just because he wants something past those wooden bars.

Herein lies the lesson of having a distorted view. How often in my life I see that I am just like Crew standing at the 'gate' and I even shake the bars and throw little fits sometimes wanting something I can't have. It's been true in my past and I'm sure it will happen again sometime. It's so easy to get 'hung up' on something we want- maybe it's even something really good- like a mate or a baby or a big job promotion or a new house or a spot on a scrap design team or any number of things. Have you ever found yourself disappointed or let down or feeling frustrated that life isn't going your way despite all the measures you are taking to make your dream happen? We ALL do it. We get our hearts set on something and for some of us, we get so caught up in the pursuit of that one thing that we let all the other 'good things' that surround us go unnoticed just around the corner simply because we want 'what's beyond the gate'.

We even lose things we hold dear because we are trying so hard to get that one thing. I know in my own life I have had selfish ambitions and have followed my own heart rather than waiting on God's time for what I truly need in life. He always knows best what I need and what I can handle, just as I know Crew isn't ready to take on a flight of stairs or play with some toys with tiny pieces. Crew thinks I'm just punishing him or denying him fun and good things. But the fact is that I am actually protecting him and giving him "freedom" by putting up a gate and setting clear boundaries.

That's what God does in our lives too. He puts roadblocks and 'gates' in our lives from time to time until we learn and/or grow into the person He is molding us to be. Sometimes it seems like He is punishing us by not giving us what we want, when in fact, He is likely trying to prepare us for what is yet to come. Does that make sense?

Here's another example. Crew would be happy if I gave him a hot dog in a bun when his siblings get one at their meal, but could he handle it as this stage in his life? No! He would likely choke and put himself in great danger. But it looks to him like something he wants and the other kids like it, so to him it is confusing. I was thinking about how often things in life seem confusing to me. Things seem unfair or unjust or simply 'messed up' according to the way I think things should go or be. But in all likelihood, from God's perspective there is a good reason for the way things are playing out around us and maybe they are even for a good purpose. I am learning that I need to quit standing and banging on a gate when stuff comes up that doesn't make sense in my heart and mind. At those times I need to trust that just as I know what's best for Crew and all my kids, God knows what's best for me. He has my greatest interests at heart and wants nothing more than to prepare me and shape me for what is yet to come. I can get hung up and miss out on the fun laying all around me, or I can surrender myself and trust Him in all things.

Let me tell you, walking away from life's "gates" is where I find the most freedom and joy. I can mope around and wish things were different or let go and live in the moment. It's not always easy though. The issues in our lives are so "big" compared to the toys and fun awaiting Crew downstairs. But the principle is the same. There is goodness all around us. We can live and grow and I do know that God swings open those gates and blesses us so often too. One day soon Crew will be crawling up and down those stairs and he will be ready to tackle a whole new set of challenges. I hope that like him I am ready to take on new challenges and set my heart and mind on things besides closed gates. I want to be ready and willing to do whatever it is that God puts on my heart for His glory and purpose. I never want to lose sight of the fact that God knows what's best and He is faithful to us when we wait on Him. I just wish growing up wasn't so hard sometimes. =)

To see the goodness

Brock is feeling better and had an okay birthday- despite being sick with the flu. Chip is on the mend too and I have some laundry to get caught up on, but thankfully, Wyndham, Crew and Ava have not gotten the bug. I'm even hopeful that they may miss this round of it- lucky kids!

Guess who turns five months old today?! It's amazing to me after having as many babies as I have had, that they still seems to grow up so fast and grow out of that newborn stage way too quickly. I feel like I have done a better job about taking pictures and letting things go during the past 5 months, in order to savor and be in these moments that much more. But they still seem to have gone by me in a blink of an eye. Above, you see a scrap page and letter that I made in order to capture a bit of what was on my heart and mind in the early moments. {You can see the pages up close in this link.}

As I watched Brock blow out 10 birthday candles last night, I couldn't help but think that time really does move too quickly. Although I feel like some (most) days I am just doing mundane things over and over [ie. laundry, dishes, making beds, changing diapers, picking up toys], I can see how this way of life won't last forever. It really is just a season of life.

To tell you the truth though, I have failed miserably the past few months. I owe Chip and my kids and apology for the way I have been short-sighted in this regard. I have been lacking patience at times when I've needed to exercise it, and I have been crabby over things that really are insignificant in the scheme of things. (Side note here...do not take children under 10 to see the movie Coraline...that's just a bit of free nitty.gritty. advice.)

I have to say that one of my big struggles in life is striking a balance where I feel that what I'm doing in life actually matters beyond this moment. I can be so good at just sitting back and taking life in at times, but then when the days play out the same (or worse, as they did with the flu in our house the past week or so) I find myself questioning the purpose of all I do from morning til night.

Then I have to stop and check myself. I'll tell you that truthfully, the hardest part of 'living' for me is keeping an eternal perspective in the 'low days'. I struggle with the 'fairness of life' when we have down days in our house. I fight the battle of saying and thinking, "Haven't we been through enough already?". Chip can tell you that I don't always win that battle in my mind and that's when my attitude takes a major turn and I'm no fun to be around.

I struggle with wanting things be easy and carefree all the time, when the fact is life can be hard. I struggle with the reality that even though I've done some incredibly difficult things- like signing Teagan's heart away when there was no longer any hope of her survival- it doesn't change the way our days play out now and in the future.

That's the hard part.

I'll admit right now that I wrestle with letting go of wanting life to be 'fair' and clinging to the promises that God has a plan and it might include suffering all along the way. I sometimes forget that so many times the rewards that come from knowing and trusting His ways don't always come to us this side of Heaven. I'm writing all this today to remind myself once again that the way through the 'down days' is to see the goodness that has occurred in my life and to remember that God can use even the toughest of times for His purposes and glory.

These are hard lessons; you know what I'm talking about if you've been through them or are going through them right now. But I do know from my life and the lives of many others, that the Goodness is always there. We just have to seek it with all our hearts.
Therein lies the purpose of our lives- seeking Him and surrendering to His ways- no matter where that may take us. Sometimes the journey may seem long, but even I know it really does all happen in a blink of an eye.

Cover them.

These photos are of my friend, Becca and her family. {Thank you, Becky, for your amazing photography skills and for allowing me to post these beautiful pictures.} Becca is asking for those of us who believe in the power of prayer to join with her as she prays for her two children. They have been in her home for nearly a year and are being placed back with their biological mother next week. Becca and her husband and crushed to learn this news. That is why she is asking for our prayers.

I find the most difficult aspect of having faith is not in trusting that God CAN do things, but rather when we find ourselves having to trust His ways even when they don't make sense in our human hearts and minds. This is one of those times. It just doesn't seem that this situation will prove best for these adorable babes- and it causes great pain in the lives of Becca, her husband and all their family and friends. My heart goes out to them.

My faith teaches me that God works for the good of those who love Him. And that is where the testing of my faith often wains most. I cannot begin to understand how God allows 'bad stuff' to happen in our lives. And yet I know that He has all the power to change circumstances and take the suffering away. Still, there are many times He doesn't do this- and so we ultimately just have to sit back and accept the trials that come our way, trusting fully in God to weave these hardships into beautfiul chapters of our lives.

It takes everything in me to trust when situations come my way and the way of others. Will you please join me in covering Becca, her husband, Scott, and these two little children with prayer? I know her faith must feel weak and small at this time. I cannot imagine the agony and fear she has inside, and that's why I ask you help hold them up in prayers. There is strength and comfort that comes in knowing so many are sharing your burdens. I know that, full well. I know that God can do amazing things as a result of our prayers and that He hears the cries of our hearts. I don't know how this chapter will end for Becca and her family, but I know she will appreciate all your thoughts and prayers. Forever.

Directionally challenged.

If you want to know how bad I am with directions, just ask my husband, Chip, sometime. He can't believe how turned around or confused I can get when I am in a car headed somewhere new. Or even on a route I should know just because we've driven it several times. It's just a part of who I am and I have come to accept it. I used to fight it. I would spend a long time going the wrong direction or find myself frustrated and in tears before I would stop and read a map or ask for help.

I have learned now to have a phone handy in case I need to confirm or reroute myself; I often bring detailed Mapquest directions along and keep them right next to me as I drive to my destination. As good as I am in math and reading and other subjects, geography just isn't my thing and I now just live with the fact that I have no sense of direction. Someday I may get a GPS system. If I ever start traveling more than 11 miles in a week. =)

I'm telling you this for a couple of reasons. One being, now you all know I'm not perfect in another area of my life. I almost laughed at some of the previous comments where a few of you think of me as "holier than thou" or all put-together. It's so not true and yet that's the beauty of some of my life at the same time. It just goes to show you that God will use anyone- even the messed up, not-so-put-together ones...just like me!

Secondly, the idea of not knowing where you are or where you're going just resonates with me beyond being directionally challenged. I have often questioned God and the "direction" He has allowed my life to go. Remember how I had my life all mapped out as a college graduate?! I was going to have a great career, no kids, a nice house, at least 2 cars, maybe a boat {or at least friends who boated on Lake Minnetonka in Minnesota and they would invite me out on the weekends =)} and definitely "me time" for vacations and breaks from my routines.

Fast forward from 1994 to 2008 and I find my life doesn't really look like what I had pictured in my head all those years agos. From a hubby to 6 kids and no "career", and rarely a vacation, this is what my life is made up of.

Please don't get me wrong. I love Chip so much. I can't imagine life without my kids, and I DO have a nice home, two cars and friends with boats. =) I have more than enough. And I realize that everyday and feel very fortunate and grateful for it all.

The fact is that sometimes I just don't 'feel' like I'm on the right path. I look around my world and the scenery looks a little bit foreign and sometimes frightening or more 'rocky' than I'd like. I happened to hear a short message on the radio the other week as I was driving Wyndham to therapy. The speaker (and forgive me, I don't have a clue who it was) talked about how he printed out the directions from Mapquest to drive his daughter to a friend's house several miles away, and although he thought he knew the way as he got nearer the destination, it just didn't seem right for some reason. Then, as he turned onto a one of the roads that the directions instructed him to go, the road actually 'disappeared' and turned into a dirt path. He was sure he was on the wrong route. He stopped for a moment to read through the directions and they actually noted that some of the roads had "portions unpaved".

He went on to say that just as he was ready to turn around and find a different route, he came around a bend on the bumpiest part of the road and there the scenery changed. There was a big clearing and it was lined with trees that were bursting at the peak color of autumn. It was a beautiful sight and just a bit ahead of the wall of glistening trees, he spied his destination. Not only was there relief and renewed sense of direction, but there was a glorious backdrop as he headed toward it.

That little story struck me even moreso as I recalled it in my mind the past couple of days. Yes, I have been down and discouraged and sitting in a place where I just didn't feel right. But I also know that sometimes that's how the path in life goes; it doesn't mean I've lost my way or that I'm headed somewhere I shouldn't be, but rather it's a reminder that I need to trust God even more to guide and direct me as the path twists and turns.

The pictures posted today a some of the 'scenery in my life' right now. Wyndham just got a Dynavox communication device. It's something she was approved for over a year ago, but just the past couple of weeks finally received. We are starting a new adventure of learning this tool and trying to figure out how to incorporate it into our lives. We are excited and hopeful that it will be a wonderful means for Wyndham to communicate- as she continues to learn signs and as we still hold out hope for her to speak someday. But it's one of the things that I never "pictured" as I played out the story of my life. However, it will likely become a tool that transforms Wyndham's life in many ways. It's a part of our 'new scenery'. I am learning (slowly at times!) to accept the life that I've been given and rather than question "why me...why us...why our family?", I should seek to look at the 'gifts' and the beauty that comes from being on a road that many times has "portions unpaved". We've gone down routes in life that I never would have thought were "the right way"...they felt wrong, they looked scary, they caused pain and grief and tears, and yet I am finding that those very bumps and turns often hold amazing scenery and create beautiful backdrops that provide amazing contrast to the times when life allows us to travel easily.

So as I snuggle Crew and breathe him in each day, knowing full well what a gift he is in my life- as each of my kids are, I am trying to let go of the idea that just because something doesn't "feel right" in my life doesn't make it wrong. I was so encouraged by many of you who left comments about the season of life as a mother to young kids. It can be overwhelming and I feel like I am just going in circles somedays. But in the end, when I come to God and just thank Him for what He has given me and I try to see that tomorrow's laundry and packaged meal is just one part of the path I'm on, well, it gives me hope. There is a renewed sense of awe as I come to Him and surrender to the path He has placed me on.

I know I will still fall down and need help more often than not, but I love that God gives rest to the weary and He can continues to direct my path. I wouldn't want it any other way! Thank yo for your prayers, your support of my honesty shared here, and for your encouragement to keep going even when it doesn't feel right.

As for the suggestions, I see I'm not the only one that needs a nap and loves a latte from time to time as a way to rejuvinate the soul. =) I am praying for some of you that are in this same place- right there with me- directionally challenged, but learning to accept that it's okay. As long as we know who our Source of help is and we accept His instruction. May you be blessed on your journey today and each step of the way.

My thoughts turn...

Back to July 2001. As the weekend approaches and the anniversary is near, I can't help but remmeber. I have been reading through my posts and thoughts from last year at this time. They are filling my eyes with tears and making my heart well up. With both good memories and reminders that year after year, I still feel the sorrow, I still recall in vivid pictures all the details of that time.
I find it interesting that time moves on, but a heart never stops remembering. I invite you to read some of my posts from last year and let them touch you as they may. Tomorrow is Bella's birthday and we are so excited along with her to celebrate this day. She is enjoying today already- her last day of "being 5". I love that God has given us her life to celebrate and to soak up some fun at the same time my heart would rather be filled with reflection and hurt. I am thanking Him over and over for the blessings in our lives that far outnumber the hurts and trials. He has been good and faithful- as only He can be.
I also invite you to join me in prayers for Jaymun and his entire family. I have sat in their hurt and I have prayed for a miracle just as they are praying and having to surrender to at this very moment. My mind has a hard time understanding how such pain can ever be turned into something good in life. But I know from experience that God is a God of healing and He hears our prayers and cries and oftentimes He answers in unexpected ways. Life doesn't make sense when it comes to hurt...the answers may never come.
But there is still Joy and peace and mercy in abundance to all who are willing to seek it and let it come to them in new ways. Even now, as we're marking 7 years since the most unimaginable tragedy touched our lives I sit in wonder as I see how much healing has happened in our lives. I can't believe there is a new life growing inside of me and I constantly thank God that He has everything in control. It's only because of His love and tender mercies that I have found goodness at all. And as I should have expected 7 years ago- even though I never would have believed it could be true- He has filled my heart and life to overflowing. I am humbled by such mercies and can honestly say to Him, "Thank you for the brokenness that has made me much more of who You wanted me to become, all along".

For the grandmas/pas that read Nitty.Gritty.

Last Friday night both Wyndham and Isabella participated in their graduation ceremony. It was a big night and a big deal for them and all of the kids in their class. They did well in their special parts- singing and reciting poems and the pledges and standing/sitting at all the appropriate times.
Of course, I was feeling choked up as the whole night just was such a gift to us. We've never been given a prognosis for Wyndham since her head injury at age 7 months, other than "she'll likely never walk or talk". To have this night happen then, was a gift that I don't take lightly. It's just a reminder and picture to me that God is in control of all the things she will and won't be able to do...as her Mom, I feel privileged to see these moments happen. These are big accomplishments in her life that are evidence to me of how much she has been able to overcome. Her grin before the ceremony took place was one of the best I've ever seen on her. It melted me.
Bella too, worked hard all year and her big moment that night happened just as I took off her cap so we could head to the reception for cake. She burst into tears and couldn't even talk because of her sobs for a couple of minutes. When I finally got her to voice what was wrong, she said {still crying} "I'm not ready for it to be over!... My class is done forever!" She kept crying well into the reception time- even when we let her choose the flavor of her piece of cake and got her some berries too.
Chip and I couldn't help but smile {and roll our eyes too} as we had a vision of her graduation day sometime in the year 2020. I have an idea it's going to be even more dramatic and emotional!
So, for my parents and Chip's parents and some of the other granparents/family that read this blog, I thought you'd like to see some pictures of our very special night.

At that same time, the Chapman family were surrounded by family and friends at Maria's viewing. My heart ached for their sorrow while I was experiencing joy. I remember in the early days of my own grief just how hard it was to accept the fact that life goes on and sometimes my hardest days were other people's most glorious. I hope that many of you will continue to pray for them and the journey of their hearts to accept, to realize, to surrender and to ulitmately find much peace and Joy even in death. Here is a link with detailed stories and updates into some of these intimate and difficult moments. I am thanking God that He is showing Himself to be real to their family- that He is giving them comfort in many ways and through many people. I will forever be touched by Maria's beauty and I hope that her legacy will touch many lives for years to come.

Growing slowly...growing strong.

My sister sent me a quote and meditation recently from livinglifefully.com and it just is so well written that I wanted to share it here for you, but also for me to read through a few more times over the next few weeks. Many of you just left comments here when I invited you to share your favorite images and thoughts about nature; they were really wonderful and as spring continues to burst forth around me here in Michigan, these thoughts are just fitting for many of us it seems. I hope they make you pause and think of your own circumstances. I love that God has placed in all our hearts a sense of Him though nature... we can see beauty and power and be awed by the tiniest cell to the grandest mountain landscapes or vast oceans. There is a never-ending supply of inspiration, but I also find that nature is so humbling to me when I look closely too. I never cease to wonder at it all. I hope you love this as much as I do...
Daily quote from May 2:
All of nature offers lessons on living, free of charge. One morning I noticed a dead tree supporting many living things--fungus, vines, lichen--which taught me that even after death we can continue to support those who live on. Living trees on our property teach other lessons. One tree has grown around a barbed wire fence. Another has grown around a nail, and a third through a chain link fence. These trees teach me how to accept irritation, absorb the pain and grow around problems. Nature teaches me how to find my place, grow toward the sunlight and bypass obstacles. To survive, we must be able to change in response to whatever is required by the challenge of the moment. Our bodies know this,but our minds often rebel when change is necessary.
Today's Meditation:
Resilience and adaptation. These are qualities that can be quite beneficial to us, but with which we tend to struggle greatly. First of all, we tend to do our best to avoid situations in which we need to show these qualities, for they're very often unpleasant. Why do we need to show our ability to adapt unless someone's put some barbed wire in our way? Why do we need to adapt unless we need to grow around a nail or through a chain link fence?
If someone does put an obstacle in the way of the direction in which we're growing, we tend to complain a lot before we even think of adapting to the new obstacle. We tend to say it's not fair, and the obstacle should be removed! Unfortunately, I think, we far too often succeed in removing the barrier before we ever have to learn how to grow around it, and we end up learning nothing from a potentially great learning opportunity.
We can learn from the trees who stand their ground day after day, just doing what trees do. They grow to be strong but flexible, and it's not their strength that allows them to withstand severe storms, but their flexibility. When they meet an obstacle, they grow slowly but surely around it, without a single complaint (that we know of, anyway!)
This moment requires something from you, be it patience, understanding, strength, courage, or something else. There are examples of all these things to be found in the natural world, role models for us to learn from and to take valuable lessons from. The lessons are there for us, but the question is whether or not we see and accept them.

I promise I don't make this stuff up.

When I was a kid I would listen to my mom tell us things from her life as a kid or about us when we were younger and sometimes it just seemed so outrageous that we would accuse her of 'making it up' or embellishing it. She always assured us that she was telling the truth and the fact is she really DID have alot of unusual things happen along the way. She still has crazy things happen from time to time. But now I know to just believe her.
In my own life it seems like things happen to me or in our family that are rare or 'non-occurances' in other peoples' lives. I don't know why that is, but this is one of those things I decided I had to blog about, because likely it will be something I look back on and laugh about. But at the time, it was no laughing matter.
Some of you know I have been a little more 'stressed' than usual the past month or so. Others I have emailed or talked to in person and asked for prayers as I waited for some test results to come back in regards to my pregnancy. Thank you for praying for me, by the way...you know who you are.
Well, after weeks of waiting I finally got my results and it has been really great news and a big relief too.
Big relief.

Here's a portion of the {true} story. The day after Teagan's birthday (which many of you understand is a bittersweet day for me each year) I was making sandwiches for lunch while my inlaws were putting bikes together for Wyndham and Ava and it happened to be my OB doctor. She asked if I had a few minutes and as I continued to make some ham and cheese sandwiches she told me that some of my labs had come back with 'abnormal/inconclusive results'. She told me I would have to repeat the tests in a month and she felt confident that everything would be fine at that point. It sounded like she was just 'being cautious'. After some explanations she finally said, "the tests I'm referring to are for the HIV".
You can imagine the surprise I had when she said that.
I had her repeat a few things and said, "Well, I'm sure it can't be positive... obviously it's just an error...no I don't have any other questions...yes, thanks for calling." I didn't really think much about it for a few hours after that- we ate our lunch and went about our day.
But when Chip came home and I talked with him about the concerns and told him I needed further tests, it then began to hit me what I was saying. It seemed so ridiculous to me...but at the same time I could feel myself growing concerned.
The next morning, Chip talked to the pathologist and an ER doctor friend of ours, who both reassured us that it would all be cleared up in a month and neither seemed worried about the inconclusive results I had received.
I, on the otherhand, had to get more information myself. So I started googling and searching all sorts of fun stuff related to HIV, testing, abnormal results...anything that came up in the search engine. {Big mistake!} I was clicking and reading and obsessed and getting more and more stressed for about a week. Let me tell you the truth about that week in my life. It was no fun. None. I would read stuff. And then freak out. Or call Chip and ask his opinions. Or wake up in the middle of the night and go back online from 3am until 6. And then I would think it was all crazy. And there's no way any of this should be happening in my life.
Because the fact is, I had NO WAY according to 'how you get HIV' that I could have possibly been infected.
But I've been around the medical realm enough to know that sometimes you need to be an advocate for yourself. You need 'knowledge' in order to know that the right thing is being done. Once I felt I had enough 'intelligible' questions and concerns, then I called pathology and wanted to be set straight on a few things.
Well, that didn't necessarily help at that point, because one of the things I found out was that at my hospital ("a low-risk institution") in each of the past two years, there have been 2 instances similar to mine, in which the labs had to be sent to Mayo for more specific testing. In each of those 2 instances, one result was a true positive and one was a false positive. Basically, out of the hundreds or thousands of HIV tests that are run each year, I happened to be one of two cases that was typical for them to see...and I had a 50/50 chance of having recently contracted HIV.
{This is the point in the story where it was helpful for me to tell myself to breathe...I'm just sayin'.}
SO... yes, it gets better.
Being the good 'person of faith' that I am, rather than look at this whole situation in medical terms, I began to look at this from a spiritual perspective. {I'm saying this to make fun of myself. Sort of like when I was growing up as a Pastor's kid and was told 'Oh, you can't do this or that...you're a pastor's kid.} Let me tell you, I was getting really radical at times.
There was the lightbulb moment, where I was reading one medical abstract or journal, I forget which one, and realized that there was nothing I could do about this situation when I thought, "Oh right. I have NO chance of having been recently infected, but in my life, stuff happens anyway. Like what are the odds that my healthy little girl sitting in a restaurant, eating chocolate chip pancakes will be killed doing so? The odds were astronomically against such a thing...but it happend." So I sat there telling myself, really, if God wants to allow me to have HIV, it will happen- no matter what I do or don't do. I told myself if He wants to let this happen, then I need to just accept it and see HOW He wants to bring me through it or use it for His glory.
Somehow.
This all happened in a matter of a week or so. The obsession was crazy. I got to the point where I convinced myself to not read another thing about HIV on the interent and instead, I decided I would only read my Bible and pray and just sit and 'listen' to what my heart needed to hear. I dug deep into Scripture and did lots of praying and questioning and finally felt a few things sort of 'point me' to the idea of complete surrender.
So that's what I finally did.
I realized that I wouldn't be thrilled with an HIV diagnosis, but heck...it seemed better to me than say a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Or other life-threatening illnesses. Many other diseases and viruses kill you in less than 10-20 years. I also reminded myself that I didn't know the number of my days anyway. None of us does. Something could happen tomorrow...so I began to have this peace about me, that it wasn't going to matter what the result would be...I would still be the same me. Life is what it is and to me it is ordained before I came into being- by God Himself.
So then I got 'really spiritual'...I thought maybe God was going to 'call' me to an AIDS orphanage in Africa or something and I just wanted to be ready for whatever I was in for.

Now I have to point out that this whole time- 6 weeks of waiting for an answer, that Chip was fully convinced I was HIV-negative and that I was totally overreacting. If you ever have a major worry in your life or you are campaigning for President or something, he is the guy you want at your side. He's convincing and supportive and even makes you laugh at yourself. I'm so glad he knows how to keep his cool and that it always seems to be enough for both of us.
I'm also very glad he turned out to be right this time around.
Not that God might not call me to work with orphans somewhere, someday...but I am glad that my life doesn't have to involve rounds of HIV anti-viral drugs and treatments.
I have found out that occasionally (and at my hospital- very rarely) in women with subsequent pregnancies, antibodies are detected which show intially as 'possible HIV infection' in lab results and thus the labs are sent for further testing. At this point the concern is that the individual may have early onset of HIV infection...thus the weeks of waiting before you can retest and get definitive results.
The waiting was hard.
The whole process made me mad at times- the helplessness, the stress, the sleeplessness, the total ridiculousness that began to make me wonder what I've done wrong in my life to deserve 'drama' like this. (Does it sound like I was overreacting to you?) =)

In the end, I dont' know what 'grand purpose' this incident is serving in my life, other than I could totally fly through a Jeopardy category if the topic was "HIV testing and inconclusive results" now. I'm sure that will happen soon. Ha!
I am feeling a weight off of my shoulders, so when I look at things like 4 loads of dirty laundry I'm really thinking, "Yay!! All I have is piles of laundry...at least I don't have HIV!"
I'm also thinking that as the pounds begin to pile on my waist I will just be "thrilled with them...because hey...they're just pounds...at least I don't have HIV!"
So that's my true-life story of what's been weighing on my mind for 6 weeks.
What? The price of gas is going up again????
Bring it on!!
At least I don't have HIV!