Faltering.

This is one of those posts. The kind where I just lay it all out there- the stuff that's been heavy on my heart and mind for the past week. The photo above is of Wyndham's feet. She has traded her pink casts in for these ankle-foot orthotics {otherwise known as afo's}. I will use the term afo's in the future, just so you know what that means. Wyndham has worn afo's in the past, but never before have they been so big, bulky, thick or as unflexible as these. She is required to be in them 24/7- only having them removed for showering. They are basically keeping her foot in alignment and giving her feet high arch support. When we asked how long she will be wearing these at her doctor appointment a week ago we were told likely indefinitely, but at least 6-12 months. There could be revisions done for growth or other needs along the way, but this is it- these are the supports Wyndham has to learn to walk right now.
Needless to say, Chip and I left very disheartened for Wyndham after all her patience with her casts the past 2 months. She has been about as easy-going as we could ever expect her to be given her circumstances. I have nothing but admiration for her attitude through this whole experience.
Which is in part why it is hard to see what has to go through now. I will be totally honest here. I have been mad, angry, discouraged, frustrated, immature, unreasonable, stressed out, and a whole host of other not-so-nice things as a result of this surgery and recovery the past 2 months. I ended up pouring out a lot of my feelings in a letter to my sister last week and here's just a portion of that- because it was raw and real and part of me still feels this way. Here is, in part, what I had to say:

I am tired of facing each day knowing it brings more struggles and no matter how hard I try to look for it or create the joy just seems to have vanished from life. That's the truth of where I am at right now. The day before Thanksgiving.
I feel like the most pathetic person on earth. The bitterness that is taking root in my heart seems like the only thing that's thriving in life right now. I don't feel like 'fighting' for something better anymore. I really hope you can pray for me because I'm not sure I know what to say or if the prayers of my heart can even be answered right now.
Wyndham was fitted yesterday for some ankle-foot orthotics that are hard plastic and go from the whole bottom of her foot up to her mid-calf. Now after 2 months in casts she's supposed to relearn to walk in them and wear them 24/7 for 6 months to a year or more. That means she will be in knee socks and tennis shoes and even sleeping in socks and these supports... and that is where my anger and frustrations lie right now. All I can think is this-UNFAIR! I am already thinking of how she can't go to the beach and put her feet in the sand. I am thinking of how hard it will be to not bend her foot as she attempts to walk. I am thinking of how much she has had to take in this life and now, instead of some sort of reward for her patience and endurance, she is getting dumped on once again. I admit it, I am angry for her. I know she will overcome the obstacles placed before her but I am disgusted and down-trodden that this has become her lot in life. I am tired of seeing her rise to the occasion only to get knocked down time and time again.I t just doesn't seem fair.
I am tired of having to support her and watch her struggle. I wish I could just take on all her pain and challenges and make them my own. It hurts me so deeply to see her never able to reach her full potential because of the path her life has been forced to take.I am sorry to say when I look in the mirror of my life I don't like a whole lot of any of it right now. I know I have been optimistic and hopeful for a long, long time, but I feel like I've finally had enough. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'll admit it, I am struggling with what I am feeling inside right now. I know there are blessings in my life and things could always be worse. I do have a pocket of gratitude in my heart somewhere, but honestly I don't feel like wearing it right now. The hurt of everything in my life over nearly the past 10 years has surfaced all at once the past 2 months and I am ready to sit and wallow in that hurt. Wyndham's daily struggles have become, dare I say, a 'visual reminder' of the pain I feel from Teagan's death and a constant roadblock to experiencing happiness.
Wow.
That's a lot for me to unload all at once.
What are your therapy fees?! =)
I know you can't change a thing for me- for Wyndham- for all of us, but I do appreciate that you would listen and care. I hope life starts proving me wrong and I hope that some glimmer of goodness starts glowing in life again too. I don't know how or why we've been dealt this hand that we've been given. But I do want to find my place back to believing that it's worth the struggle and to keep pressing on. Thanks for being in my corner when I need you. Thanks for praying our family through yet again. I hope you have many reasons to give thanks this year.
I'll look around and try to find my rose-colored glasses for tomorrow.
And if for some reason I find them, I might just start wearing them like Wyndham has to wear her afo's... 24/7.

* * * * *
I have been thinking so much about life's pain and hurt and challenges and I'll admit another thing. Sometimes I wish our "suffering" didn't have a name. Meaning, I get frustrated knowing that there is a person responsible for what Wyndham has to go through and has gone through for almost her whole life. I have been dealing with anger inside knowing that Wyndham's life challenges will follow her all her days, while the one responsible for her disablilities will walk away from her 'sentence next summer'. That reality has been dragging me down and while I still believe in my heart that forgiveness has been given and claimed in this situation, I am having to remind myself of that day after day. It's not an easy thing and I feel like my faith is sort of being chipped away at a little bit more with each new challenge our family has had to take on. Sometimes I think it would be 'easier' if all this just happened randomly- or accidentally- rather than intentionally, and that is proving yet another challenge to my faith.
So while Wyndham is still in her wheelchair all day long and has yet to take a step, I feel like I am the one with my feet bound and the one needing to learn to walk all over again.
Our family continues to be so encouraged by many of you who email and send notes on FB and pray for all we have gone through and continue to go through. We did have a very nice Thanksgiving with Chip's parents here with us. We DO have much to be thankful for and I am trying hard to not look too far into the future, but instead just focus on what the needs are in front of us one day at a time. I know that Wyndham has the fight in her to get back on her feet and walk again... I just feel like I'm not her best support system anymore and she deserves nothing less than the best right now. So, please feel free to keep praying her through this and to pray that I will find a way to lift my eyes and heart up even though it's an enormous task to look on and cheer her forward.
I am hoping to falter less and to triumph more.
And should I fail and stumble and fall, I am grateful to my family, friends, and God for giving me another chance to get back up. I've never claimed to be a superhero, or even a person of superfaith. It's in these times of trials that that is so evident to me. I am nothing on my own and I would have fallen apart by now. But thankfully God is rich in mercy and strength and He continues to hold me up and see us through. If anything good can come from Wyndham's suffering, it is this: it makes me believe more and more in God and His ways. Even when I can't see one step in front of me. I am humbled to know God has it all in His control.

Just in time for Thanksgiving...

It's been a long two months- for her and for us. If all goes well, Wyndham should have her casts off tomorrow! The next phase is for her to be fitted for some ankle-foot orthodics and she will wear them for an indefinite length of time. But the good news is she will be able to start bearing weight on her feet again.

We're hoping she will have minimal pain and that she will find it a relatively easy adjustment to relearn balance and get back on her feet again. As always, we appreciate your thoughts and prayers for Wyndham- as this time around she literally takes the next step! Just in time for us to have something to truly be thankful for at this time of year!

I might even be on top of my game to take a Flip video of her first steps when she takes them. If that happens, you can be sure I'll post it here. As any proud mom would do. =)

Thanks for helping to see us through the past couple of months and caring as much as you do. We are more than ready to put this tough phase of our lives behind us. It's much more exciting to look ahead than down and let me tell you, we're so ready to see Wyndham on her feet again. She's had enough 'computer/table time' for this year! =)

The kindness of strangers...

You are all so supportive and your encouragement has been a blessing to me especially in the past 24 hours. I just wanted to stop in and say a big thank you for so many of you who have privately emailed me with your thoughts and prayers and words of inspiration to keep hanging in there right now, in addition to all of you who have left comments here too. It has helped me put things in perspective a bit and I'm feeling less 'alone' in this just knowing so many of you have been in the pits too and yet have found a way out. Or some of you are still trying to find a way out but willing to keep going too- just like us.
I will admit that I have been "sick and tired" of life being so hard on us. When I shared how Chip and I feel like we're ready to split our team up it stems more from us being frustrated with life's demands and the wish that things could be different- yet we're so 'stuck' with how things have to be right now. It's not that we don't love and care about one another and we're ready to call it quits, but almost the opposite- we sort of think that if one of us took on more of the 'problem issues' and the other person took the rest well then, at least a few of us would have a chance at happiness. Does that even make sense? It sounds funny when I type it out. But we've been here before. Here meaning at the end of our ropes- wishing things different- feeling like we can't be who we need to be to all the people who need us right now, and then thinking maybe we could cut our problems in half and at least salvadge life for part of our gang.
But it's not to be.
For lots of reasons.
And truthfully, we know that even trying to split the problems in half won't solve things, but instead add to the already long list of overwhelming issues in life right now.
I do think that as I've been able to write out some of what I'm feeling and thinking, as well as sharing it with some friends and with Chip that a lot of my hurt and inadequacies come from being Wyndham's mom and unable to change her circumstance and 'feeling' her pain and watching it but again, being unable to fix the hurt.
I will also say that as the time nears for her to get her casts off I have some new fears growing inside about how the next phase will go. I just want the world for her and have such love and respect for how well she has endured the past 8 weeks that I'm just holding out hope that she will get a bit of a reward for all she's been through. She's had more smiles than I have at times and I just know she is ready to move on from this situation of being so sedantary.
The kindness you have all shown through your understanding and words and emails has been a bit of what I needed to get through the rest of this week. To top it off though, Teague ended up with a horrible, 'barky' cough last night and he was checked out at Urgent Care today because of my growing concerns for him. At this point the doctor thinks it's a bit of croup and he was given some meds to help his breathing and cough. I just feel like one more big thing- like Teague being hospitalized- would be a bit too much right now. So I've been praying since early, early this morning and if you feel like joining me in prayers for his health I would love you all for that too.
It just seems that when I finally unload my burdens to whoever cares to listen, I am lighter for doing so and more clear in how to proceed. So thank you, thank you from me and all my family for walking through this not-so-hot part of our lives too.
I decided to lower my expectations a bit too- thanks to the advice and encouragement from many of you in that regards. I also sat on the couch nursing Teague today and told myself that how I was truly being productive at that moment- no matter how much my mind raced to other things on my to-do list that needed to get done. Sometimes, we women especially, can be so demanding of our own selves that we neglect to see just how important some of the 'little things' we do each day truly are in the scheme of things. I am vowing for the next however long I need to, to be less hard on myself, more tolerant of my little ones, and more appreciative of Chip. I think something as small as a shift in thinking can refocus and realign my heart and mind to better take on the challenges that life keeps sending our way. I hope I get around to baking something again soon too. There's something missing around our home and I think it might be the smell of baked goods. I'll be sure to pass along any recipes I whip up if that happens. Thanks again for all of your love, cares and prayers!

Down, but not totally out.

This past Sunday the MN Vikings lost another football game bringing them to 3-6 for the season so far. Brett Favre stood in front of a swarm of media camera and microphones and made some post-game remarks about his losing team. As I sat on my couch and listened to his statements I commented to Chip- who sat across from me- that it was as though Favre were talking about our family. As the remarks about the losing team continued we found ourselves laughing at just how fitting the comments were to our family life right now.
We're in the homestretch of Wyndham's recovery from surgery and on the verge of the next phase; she will be fitted with orthodics and start therapy again. We're not sure what to fully expect once she's out of her casts, but we are crossing our fingers that things will get better from here on out, as we feel we've pretty much worn ourselves down and out the past 2 months.
As you can see from my lack of blogposts, I have not felt like writing, taking pictures, or even baking the past couple of weeks. That's a sign of just how rough things have gotten around here. Most often I turn to baking to relieve stress, so you know it's bad around here right now! =)
Truthfully, it has been bad and sad and ugly for several days. It's been stressful and I am sorry to say that I haven't done my best with our life circumstances the past 2 months. A part of me would like to blame post-partum blues. Which likely play a big part in how I've reacted to everything on our plates. Still, I have to admit and take responsibility for my actions and that means I have to say a big, "I'm sorry" to everyone in my family and some people who have been playing supporting roles to us at this time too.
Favre hit the nail on the head several times in his post-game remarks saying such things as, "There needs to be some changes made". His summery of the defeated Vikings team just matched my thoughts and feeling so much... but he also made a poignant statement where he said, "There's still a little bit of hope for us... there's still alittle life left in us". I was so glad to hear him say that because it actually was at that point that I laughed out loud and realized how true those words were. Not just for the losing Vikings, but for our family that has felt more than overwhelmed with life for weeks now. I'm so glad that we're down, but not without Hope. Even in hopelessness we first see HOPE!
I'm glad to tell you today is a new day. I feel like I am finally ready to admit that I've sunk far enough into the pit that life has dragged us into and I'm ready to start looking up- or wherever to find a way out. I do want to just tell the honest truth- more for me to look back on this for the next time I'm in life's pit- and say that I am awful down here. I 'look' awful- which means I haven't liked who I've become lately. I have yelled far too many times, said things I didn't mean, meant things I shouldn't have said, felt hurt and kept it in, hurt people by letting things out, and just all around been miserable to everyone- including me. I'm sorry to say I have let things get the best of me this time around and it goes without saying, but being a 'loser' has been no fun at all!
To be perfectly honest and blunt, Chip and I have had it with life and each other. Yes, there has been a lot of stress and demands we never anticipated and goodness- we haven't been taking care of ourselves the way we should be- simply because things are just that demanding. We haven't even slept in the same room for 2 months as Chip sleeps on a mattress next to Wyndham's bed because of her added needs right now. There just hasn't been a good opportunity for us to be much of a good team through all of this. We have talked and made mention of how life might be if we split our team up- that's how down we've been. The funny- or merciful thing- is that we can't even begin to think how to split our team up and make things work. We've got too much on our plates to divide up!
Today, honestly, I am thanking God that He has given us "too much" so that we can't even begin to figure out how to split up. Our problems are actually blessings that are being used to help hold us together in this season of defeat in our lives. Oh the irony of that!
I could share a whole lot more of what has gone on and continues to demand from us, but I won't. I just want to share my heart- even the heaviness of it- so that I might look back someday and see that even though the path isn't always rosy, it does keep winding and there is something around the bend worth forging ahead for.
We've been down, but we're not totally out. We're trusting that God will see us through even this ugly time we've been experiencing, and we're hanging on to the fact that we don't need to have all the answers in order to keep trying.
I have felt and 'heard' God's voice in my life in some still, small ways the past couple of days. I think He knew I needed something tangible. One of the ways He's spoken is through the messages from this website: Revive Our Hearts. The series- especially today's message- on the ABC's for Handling a Meltdown, have been so helpful to me. I don't know that I am fully out of this life pit yet, but I am happy to report I am headed in the right direction. I want to praise God for showing up and giving me more grace for the journey. Something I need no matter where I'm at in this world! I don't know if you need encouragement or help where you are right now or if you are at a place you simply want to praise God for blessings. But I'd love to invite you to praise God in the comments here and we can all give Him glory for the little and big things He has done and continues to do. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him or we turn our backs on Him, He is still there. He never lets us down, and for that I am most grateful today!

These two little guys...

So here I am trying to strike a balance and find time to update a blog while maintaining some sense of control in our home at the same time. Not an easy task with Crew around- he is ALL about being and acting like a 2 year old. Which, according to his pediatrician, is perfectly normal and acceptable for him. Since he is 2! In these photos he had pulled Brock's Batman t-shirt out of the clean laundry basket and proceeded to wear it proudly all day long. He is quite the character in real life- even without this type of t-shirt on. He is wild and demanding and loud and stubborn and smart and into everything; in addition, he knows what he wants. Did I mention he is demanding?! Oh yes he is. But he has this way of pouring on the charm too. We only wish he would be more charming- more often! We are worn very thin by his demands most days, but that little bit of love he gives somehow makes us hang in there with him and try to work things out. However that turns out to be. One day we will tell him all about how he acted when he was two and likely he will grow into someone fiercely independent and able to do amazing things. Because that's exactly how I would describe him right now. Only the "amazing things" he does right now most often get him in trouble!

His little brother, Teague, on the other hand is quite the opposite these days. He is so mellow and happy and just a little bundle of charm. His eyes light up at almost everything he sees and everyone of the kids can make him smile and coo now. It makes us all melt and he seems to know that and it leads to more smiling and cooing. Teague is so observant and aware of his surroundings now. He still loves to be held and cuddled and smothered with kisses. And although he is just 11 weeks, it seems as if we've had him around forever. We couldn't imagine life without him. He's added a lot of love and happiness to our lives already! Now we do know that he will be 2 one day too, but for now, we're soaking him up just the way he is.

Wyndham continues to spend long days in her wheelchair or laying on the couch. I've nearly worn my back out having to lift her and change her diapers a few times this week. My body was not made to lift 80 lbs, but we're are managing to get through this extra-trying time for her. She seems to be more accepting of her double casts right now and rarely lets it affect her mood. I wish I could just roll with circumstances the way she does. We are lucky that she's such an easy-going kid too. It makes the hard times in life just a bit more tolerable. With 3 more weeks to go it is starting to seem like there is an end in sight for this phase of her recovery. Hopefully she will have her casts off jst in time for Thanksgiving and believe me, it will give us all something to be grateful for! Or should I say one MORE thing to be thankful for. We are a big, busy family, but when I pause long enough to reflect on it or write out a few thoughts on life right now, I can see clearly how we are blessed as well. Blessed- even with challenges and an independent 2 year old. =) Hope you're finding things to be grateful for as November gets underway. Being grateful for small things each day can lead to a heart filled to the brim with contentment all life long!

She makes it look easy.

What a whirlwind couple of weeks it has been for my family this October. There has been so much going on- good, bad and in between, that I haven't had a moment to catch up here at Nitty.Gritty. I also find that being home around so many family members made it 'less urgent' for me to post, since we were sort of living out what I might otherwise blog home to them about. So that's the explanation I have for not updating here.

We packed our whole family of 8 into an RV and took a 12+ hour roadtrip across 5 states to be with all of my family and friends to remember our dear Grandma Shirley as she passed away October 17th. It was a bittersweet time for many of us as we have such fond memories of sharing life with her. They say there are two types of people in this world- givers and takers. She was a GIVER through and through- always giving joy, love, happiness, a word of encouragment or sharing a meal made by her hands and heart. She will be missed and remembered by so many and I am grateful I had the chance to be home in Minnesota to take part in celebrating who she was and always will be. As my great-uncle John said, "Shirley was a true love machine". I was lucky to know that, feel it from her firsthand, and hopefully take some of that with me and turn it around to pour out to others as I walk through life too.

That top photo is a picture of me with my family- my parents and my four siblings. We haven't taken a picture together like this in years. Being together was special- but after driving all those hours home with our youngsters, Chip and I vow not to do that again for a long, long while.

And I'm not kidding.

AT about the 8 hour mark each way we were ready to have the trip be over. Especially Crew strapped into his carseat and screaming to let us know he had had it. Not fun in Chicago rush-hour traffic. Or anywhere for that matter. And at that 8 hour mark you realize you are only two-thirds of the way to your destination. It starts to feel like a terrible mistake to be traveling; but somehow we made it there and back. The kids LOVED spending time with their cousins and catching up on the fun they've missed out on the past couple of years. There were lots of fun and games and laughter and screaming (especially from Wyndham when Grandma Genie pushed her wheelchair while running through the halls of the building where we stayed!) and there was lots of crying, yelling and 'drama' too. I won't even go into all of that but you can just be thankful along with me that we didn't have to have surgery to try to reattach Crew's fingers. That's all I'm going to say about that- we're all still traumatized from that elevator incident! Eeeks!

Okay.

Now for an update on Wyndham. Today marks 4 weeks since she had her double-foot surgery. It has felt like a long, long time for us, so I can only imagine how long it has felt for her. She can only sit in her wheelchair, or lay on the couch or her bed. Oh yeah, she has a special toilet seat to sit on once in awhile too. Yesterday she saw her surgeon for some x-rays and was re-cast as part of the ongoing recovery process. This time around she picked pink casts. I think she was actually starting to tire of seeing those bright orange ones and just wanted a little change in scenery. You can see she was checking them out this morning and then gave me a thumb's up too. What a steadfast spirit she has about her. I could learn a thing or two from her about patience and perseverance. I wish a lot of times I could be more like her. Look at the smiles on her face as she does her coloring pages. That's how she is most of the time.

We keep trying to make things "fun" for her as she's healing, but she's the one that smiles through the pain and monotony of her situation. We bring stuff to her- like the dollhouse that normally sits on the floor, and she also loves to spend time doing the paint application on the computer. She's very good at it and can start the program all on her own. She inspires me everyday; she makes it look easy!

Just before we wnt to Minnesota one night I was needing a chocolate fix of some sort, so I quick whipped up a chocolate cake mix. Instead of just pouring it into a 9x13 pan I poured it into the giant cupcake pan and decided to frost it and let Wyndham blow out 2 candles in "celebration" of surviving 2 weeks with her casts on. It was sort of a way for us to turn a bad situation into something a tiny bit wonderful. Right away when the kids saw the cake they wanted to know who's birthday it was. =) I told them it wasn't for a birthday, but instead it was for letting Wyndham know how proud we are of the way she is handling having to wear double-casts right now. They were so excited to see her blow out candles and celebrate something like being home from the hospital. It has been rough for us as a couple (I could write a short book on that!) and as a family, and I know it has been difficult for Wyndham too. She doesn't smile all the time and sure wishes she could be doing what she used to be doing, but at the same time, I am proud that we're all still hanging in there as best as we can do.

That's one of the many gifts I think my Grandma handed down to me and now I occasionally find I pass along too. I told her years ago, after surviving the loss of a child and living through tragedy, that she had made the suffering look "easy" to me and so many people around her through the years. You'd never know it from first meeting my Grandma, because of the smile on her face and the joy in her life, that she had lived a life of trials. She was so good at trusting God and giving all her burdens to Him. I learned from her that you don't have to live a life feeling sorry for yourself. You can move through your sorrows and suffering and she lived her life as an example of that- finding ways to turn her trials into opportunities to experience God's love, mercy and grace.

I feel like I fail more than I thrive when it comes to stepping up to these life challenges. But I hope that even through my failures I will learn that there is reason to keep going. I am so thankful for my Grandma's life, for the love and support of my family, and even the inspiration of Wyndham in her suffering. She makes it look easy and that never ceases to amaze me. I hope to become more like her- and can sense that God is growing patience in me right now too. Not always easy; but it is a good thing.

I don't know if there's spaghetti in Heaven...

But if there is, these two could be slurping it and enjoying it together today. My Grandma Shirley passed away last evening and because of her belief in Jesus and His death on the cross for sin, I know she is in Heaven today. This picture of her and Teagan is more than 10 years old already. Yet I still remember the fun we all shared together and I can still "hear" what their laughter sounded like on that day.
Our family {my mom's side} and so many people are going to miss my Grandma and who she was in our lives. She lived an amazing life- one touched by tragedy and grief more than once- still she exuded joy and happiness to hundreds of people over the span of her life. There is so much I could say about her and truly, if you met her you blessed as a result.
We will be packing an RV tomorrow and driving from Michigan to Minnesota to be with family and friends as we share memories of grandma and our say final good-bye. We are sad on one hand, but filled with peace at the same time as we know she is home with God for all eternity now! What a thrill Heaven must be!
You can pray for us to have safe travel to and from home, as well as semi-well-behaved kids for 12+ hours, and that Wyndham will do well too. Although she is the one that is used to sitting in one place for hours at a time right now! I just know that my Grandma would be happy to hear that so many people are coming together from all over to remember her life, share in our sorrow and celebrate her faith that spurred her on until the very end. I'd love to tell you more about her and will do so when I get that chance. I look forward to seeing her in Heaven again. Someday!

For those of you who are checking in on us...

{Cookie photo and recipe credits go to Dawn Finicane at Vanilla Sugar blog.}
I made a batch of these cookies tonight and ate some of the dough plus two cookies. For dinner. The kids ate an actual meal before they got their cookies, but I didn't get around to the dinner part. That's sort of how things are going around here right now.
Not bad.
But not really the way they should be.
Or how we wish things could be.
Having a newborn in the house is a challenge.
Having a fiesty, possibly ADD 2-year old in the house is a challenge.
Having a 9 year old in diapers and unable to speak is a challenge.
Having your challenged 9-year old in double-casts is even more challenging.

Trying to keep life "normal" for the other three who go to elementary and middle school is a challenge just because of all the other challenges.
I have to admit I feel like we're in over our heads most of the time. I also will admit that I realize things could be worse too. Much worse. Or should I say, more challenging.

It's not the end-of-the-world to eat delicious, fresh-baked big chewy cookies for dinner. It's not like I had a wasitline in the past 9 months anyway. =) I do sit and wonder what God could be trying to teach us in all of this right now. Maybe it is patience. Maybe it is to help us empathize with others who have needs and issues that seem unfair or overwhelming. Maybe it is a time in my life for me to just "be still and listen". I'm not sure what it's all about, but can tell you it is harder than I thought it would be. And I'm not just speaking about the physical challenges. I highly recommend the chocolate chip cookie recipe linked above. And our whole family appreciates those of you who keep checking in on us and lift up prayers for us too. If it weren't for the prayers, I probably wouldn't have gotten to eat dinner tonight, nor cookies. So, thanks for praying.
From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Adjusting.

My parents left this morning to go back to their home in Minnesota. They were such a great help and support system for us this past week. We will miss them around here! Grandma Genie gave Ava her first major haircut and Ava loves it this short.

As for Wyndham, she is still doing well right now. Chip is doing most of her care and has a mattress he pulls out next to her bed so he can be near her at night. Things like brushing teeth and bathing are tricky and take longer than normal, but we're finding ways to modify such tasks and get them done. The kids are being very sensitive to Wyndham's needs and have been looking for ways to keep her entertained and happy. They dance for her and blow up balloons and turn on dvd's and just try to make the misery of being confined to bed or wheelchair less miserable.

Even Grandma found a way to involve Wyndham in making brownies. She brought the bowl and eggs and batter and spoon to Wyndham, and as you can see from these pictures, Wyndham wasn't shy about dipping her finger in the bowl to get a quick taste before the brownies went into the pan either. She is most happy when we help her to 'forget' about her casts. We still have a long road of recovery ahead of us {I say "us" because we ALL have had to make changes as a result of this surgery}, but so far we're adjusting about as well as we all could have expected. Keep saying those prayers for us and we'll keep baking brownies and try to dance as much as we can for Wyndham's happiness sake!

She picked orange.

Wyndham came home from the hospital yesterday. Just under 48 hours after surgery. We never expected her to do so well, but she was taking her pain medication without incident, so her doctor gave her the green light. I have to say that we were not prepared for such a good response from her. Typically she is extremely sensitive when it comes to nausea and medication, but I know there were so many of you praying for her that it shouldn't have been such a surprise that she came out of this surgery so well.

As you can see, Wyndham picked orange for her cast color. It's her favorite color. The surgeon said she was ready for Halloween and hunting opener. =) We are settling in as best we can- considering there is a 2-year old and a newborn in our house too. There is a lot of activity and not a whole lot of 'safe' places for Wyndham to spend her time. She has to be moved by Chip and can sit up in her wheelchair, or be in her bed or on the couch. I have a feeling that the next couple of months are going to feel long for all of us. Just trying to change diapers and figure out things like bathing and teeth brushing are presenting small challenges. Your prayers for our patience and stress to be kept to a minimum are appreciated.

I also have a feeling that once this ordeal is all over, we will be thrilled to have "normal" back. It will feel extraordinary!

So far she's been a trooper!

My apologies for taking so long in posting an update. Besides entertaining my parents (actually the kids are doing a good job of that!), staying busy with a 6-week old baby, wrangling a two year old who just learned how to climb out of his crib this week, and keeping the other kiddos on track, I was able to spend time with Wyndham for just a bit as she got settled into her hospital room last night. Chip has been with her the entire stay and has given me updates and good reports. Thanks so much for your prayers!
We are happy to report that the surgery went well and so far the recovery has been going better than we had expected. Today Wyndham was able to keep down liquids and later ate soft foods for dinner. She has tolerated oral pain meds and has had minimal nausea. I have no doubt that the prayers said on her behalf are the reason she is doing so well at this phase in the whole process. Chip even took her to a little "party" down the hall from her room where the Michigan Whitecaps mascot and a couple of players were visiting patients at her Children's hospital. She even gave the mascot a high 5. I have to admit I was more than surprised to hear that from Chip.
We're hopeful that she will do well through the night tonight and we'll get an update from her surgeon when he does rounds in the morning. It's possible she could be home as early as tomorrow. We so appreciate your thoughts and prayers and truly believe that they are helping to speed the recovery process and also are keeping the stress levels of all of us to a minimum.
Hopefully I'll be posting about Wyndham's homecoming sooner than we thought!

Trading places...

Wyndham's wheelchair arrived at our home yesterday and we were pleasantly surprised at how much interest Wyndham showed in trying it out. This is her with Grandma Genie this morning as we got her ready to leave for the hospital today. She was all smiles and so happy to get rides around the house. She kept holding up one finger- indicating she wanted "one more ride".

I have no greater longing in my heart today than to trade places with her and go through the pain she will bear. It's not often in this world that we wish to trade comfort and happiness for pain and suffering. Since I am unable to do for her what my heart longs to do, I instead am pouring my heart out in prayer for her and trusting in a great big God to hear those prayers, to touch her in a special way, and to bring healing and peace as only He can.

Thanks for joining me, for Wyndham, today. Her surgery starts at 12 noon (eastern) and will wrap up in early evening. I will post another update when I get that chance.

Sometimes life gets a little more challenging...

That is certainly the case for our family this week. Wyndham will be having major surgery on Wednesday, Sept. 29th. She isn't fully aware of what is to come, nor what to expect. As you can see from her photos here, she is doing well right now and is very happy and healthy!
We (Chip and I) have known this day was coming for a long while now, but that doesn't make it any easier. I know that many of you will be praying for her, for her doctors, and for all our family as we help care for Wyndham during her recovery. It will be a long process and I just wanted to share what is involved.
Wyndham will be undergoing double-foot realignment surgery which will hopefully resolve the issue of her feet turning more and more outward. Left untreated, she faces problems with bone formation as well as ongoing and long-term chronic pain in her joints, back, spine and neck.
The surgery itself will take approximately 5 hours. It involves taking a bone graft from her pelvic bone and placing a wedge of that bone on the outer side of both her feet, and then the tendons in the back of each leg will be lengthened too.
We are most concerned with how Wyndham will come out of the recovery itself and then in order to be discharged from the hospital she needs to be taking oral meds for managing her pain. On both counts we have concerns because of how Wyndham has done in the past. She typically has a weak stomach and can have extreme nauseau. She also has issues with swallowing pills
and so we anticpate that she may have a longer hospital stay than the expected 2 day stay.
Once she comes home we are not totally sure what to expect as far as how challenging her needs will be. She will be in casts for a minimum of 8 weeks, and could face another 4 weeks beyond that, and then she will be fitted for orthodics. We will be her primary caregivers and know that it is going to be demanding on her and the rest of us. That is why we so appreciate your prayers in the coming days and weeks.
This all stems from her original brain injury sustained as a young infant in the Old Depot tragedy. We have watched Wyndham go through so many medical procedures and therapy/rehab for over 9 years now and sometimes we just feel tired and sad when we
think about what she has yet to face. Still, we are trusting in the God that has healed her in the past and hoping that He will give her more grace and mercy as she endures more pain and recovery.
Sometimes it just feels so unfair and it definitely tugs at our hearts to have to be at her side as she undergoes yet another struggle. But we're thankful to be her parents and family; we feel lucky that this will be her first major surgery since her shunt was placed and she's enjoyed many happy days that some doctors wondered if she'd ever have at all.
We hope that the next couple of months will be opportunity for our family to become stronger, to lean harder on the God in whom we trust, and a good reminder to never take the simple, "ordinary days" we have for granted. They are special and we look forward to having many more of them with Wyndham and all our other kids too.
I will be posting frequent updates on my Face Book wall as well as occasional blogposts here too. Fell free to stay in-the-loop with us as we go through these challenges with Wyndham.
We appreciate your love, prayers, thoughts and cares every step of the way!
Jody & Chip and family too

To my readers...

For those of you who listen and/or care, I created a new playlist of songs. I hope you like some of the new/my favorite tunes. They'll probably be around from now until I put up my Christmas playlist. Then I may bring them back again. =)
Happy Autumn!

Right now...

My little guys keep me at least as busy and entertained as my little girls do these days. I couldn't help but put those little bear cub ears on Teague and nestle him on top of the clean laundry the other day. He made it more fun to fold towels. =)

I don't say enough about Brock on here, but in real life he is my right-hand man. He helps wrangle Crew on an ongoing basis, and always jumps to help me for whatever it is that I need his help doing. I love him so much and couldn't have picked a better kid for my own. He just started playing the alto sax in band and is doing well with learning his notes and practicing too. I'm always impressed when a kid is self-motivated. Especially when they are motivated to do something good- besides play on the computer or Nintendo DS. =)

So that's my post and pictures for today... I feel lucky to have these little guys in my life!

My bitty bear...

I can't believe another week has come and gone. Some days I am nearly on top of the world by noon and feeling I have it all together. And then just shortly after 3pm, when all the kids are home from school, I can topple from my "mountain" and free fall til midnight or longer. Almost like I'm drowning in stuff that needs to be done or worried about. Maybe I need to stop worrying so much. =)

One of the things I feel like I miss in my life right now- no matter how full and busy it may be- is the connection with friends. Most of my 'close friends' I actually know and love through online connections. Many of them I've met in person and it only makes me wish for more time and opportunity to be together with them more often. I have an amazing friend, Jo-Anne, who lives in Holland. She is beautiful inside and out and will likely have tears in her eyes when she scrolls through the pictures of Teague on this post. You see, she has a big, tender heart and we've connected in a special way. And she crocheted this little bear cap and gorgeous sweater for Teague. Over the past month he has been such a snuggly, cozy little guy that I didn't know he could be any cuter. But Jo has a way of bringing out the best and even more in a person and she did that with her handmade lovlies for Teague.

The good news is that I read her blog and she has a link there to her etsy shop if you just have to have a little bear hat or another handmade treasure of your own. Here is the link and you can trust that everything she makes is made with love and care. She will probably be blushing by the time she finishes reading this post too. That's just how Jo-Anne is.

I'm listening to my bitty bear squeak and squirm from the other room. He's 'watching' Notre Dame football with Daddy right now. Things are calm around here. For at least a brief moment. Tomorrow my medium bear turns 2 years old. I don't know how our day will go- Crew can be lovable, crazy and even more crazy- all at one time. =) SO, in case I don't get a brief, quiet moment two days in a row, I'll wish him a Happy Birthday now. I hope we get a chance to snuggle and cuddle him a few more times before he's too big and grown for all that gush.

Happy Birthday to you, my Crew. I hope the terrible in the "terrible two's" eludes you!! {wink}

Three weeks...

Teague is three weeks! That 3 weeks went by rather quickly, if I do stop and think about it. Although I don't have too much time to stop and think about it. =)

I am trying to take it all in and just soak up the one-on-one time that newborns demand of their mommies because I know just how fast this little guy will grow. I am also so thankful for each and every one of your thoughts, prayers and to those who left comments when I was hurting and angry the other day, I especially appreciate the time you took to do so. It is one of the things that Chip and I learned we needed- very early on when dealing with grief- friends, family and even "strangers" help to carry the weight of what we feeling. Sometimes just knowing that someone is aware of what you are going through helps make the journey sting just a tiny bit less. So thank you for those prayers! Feel free to leave scripture references, quotes or lyrics/links to music too. I don't always feel that I have the strength of faith that so many of you seem to 'see' when you read this blog and I am always looking for ways to grow my faith- especially when it feels weak. I'll be digging in deep for the next 3 weeks as Wyndham's surgery approaches. As much as I hurt for what she is going to have to go through physically, we ALL are going to go through some rough stuff emotionally, mentally and spiritually too. I don't want to be unprepared... and I think my heart needs to be readied for what is yet to come.

* * * * *

My dad spoke at Teagan's memorial services and one of the things he shared has stuck with me and served me more than once in the past 9 years. With September 11th on my heart and mind for another year too, it seems appropriate to share these thoughts.

He and my mom were visiting my sister in Cancun and had to take a ferry to their resort earlier in the year 2001. My dad has never liked 'the water' and on this particular day the waves and winds were especially high and strong. The ferry boat was really rocking- much to my dad's dismay. He went out to the deck for some fresh air and my sister offered this insight/helpful hint to him. She told him that the locals say if you keep your eyes on the horizon when the winds and waves get strong that you feel less of the motion. The fixed place for your eyes helps to give you balance and a better sense of calm.

My dad said that it really worked when he tried it.

When our tragedy struck just a few months later my dad thought back to that day on the ferry. And now, even though the winds and waves of life were figurative rather than literal, he felt the same truth applied. When we fix our eyes on God/Heaven- the One who is constant and the Prize that awaits us, then the world can fall apart and swirl around us, but we can have a sense of peace and calm just knowing that God has it all in His hands. We can trust that our anchor is going to hold and we will make it through the storm. And often times we'll come out stronger on the otherside as a result.

So that is one of the things I am telling myself in the next 3 weeks. We face some unknowns, but we can be confident that God is bigger than whatever comes our way. He's never failed us yet!

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you."

Mixed emotions.

This morning as we woke early {compared to the past several weeks of sleeping in until whenever this summer} to get ready to send Brock, Bella and Ava off to their first day of school I thought the hardest part was going to be the waking early part. It turns out that it wasn't the hard part at all. The kids were excited, their clothes and backpacks were laid out and ready to go and I simply had to make and pack their lunchboxes and they were basically all set. Ready to take on middle school, third and first grades- respectively.

Chip helped get them into the car with all their school supplies, backpacks and lunch bags and then they headed off. That's when I turned back to head inside and start the day with the other three at home- Wyndham, Crew and Teague. All three of them needed soggy, saggy diapers changed and after I re-tucked Wyndham in for some extra morning sleep time {she loves to sleep in and would do so til noon each day if we let her} and tossed her pull-up in the trash I felt the tears starting to sting my eyes. I finally let the emotions fill me and hit me and overwhelm me and then I let the tears fall. I felt the hurt this morning like I haven't felt in a long time. This time the tears stung my eyes and my heart ached- not for missing the kids I sent to school and realizing how much they are growing up, but instead I hurt for Wyndham and what she will never experience.

In the past I have hurt for missing Teagan and wondering how grown she would be and imagining what kind of backpack and clothes she would have picked out to start the schoolyear. This year I am hurting for two girls who didn't start school with their siblings. I hurt for the dreams that I had for them when they were tiny newborns- like Teague is in my arms these days. I let the tears fall for the emptiness I feel for what will never be, and what I still wish I could change on mornings such as these. I would wish it so different. I ache for once holding Teagan and Wyndham's little heads steady as they started to develop the strength to hold their own heads up, and I wished the world for them- just as I do for all my kids. I always hoped to be the mom who could be there to help mold and guide my kids into the potential that welled up in them from the time they were tiny babes. I always imagined that I would be there for their mountaintop experiences, as well as all the milestones in between.

Today is a day for mixed emotions. On one hand I am thrilled for my kids and the education and opportunities that await them. I once felt like I wanted to keep my kids home; close to me and safe forever, but soon realized that that only holds kids back. What I really want for my kids is a place for them to grow and blossom and be challenged in order that they might become all they are meant to be. Today Wyndham didn't get that chance, and it's yet another year that I face the fact that Teagan had her earthly dreams taken from her at such a young age too. It's a day of mixed hurt and feelings and I simply had to write it down here- just to get it out.

For me, writing it down {It hurts... I hurt... it's not fair... I wish it were different... I ache for Wyndham...} and letting the tears fall is part of the healing process that I find I still need. Especially on days like this. The process of grief goes on- just as the years and seasons change. Recognizing that we have had dreams shatter and change and then accepting the reality of what is now is simply a part of our lives now. I know a lot of moms who are shedding tears today as they send their little ones off to school for the first time... or the 10th. They ache and it is expected. But I have to say that what hurts more than sending a little loved on off to school is not being able to send them off to school. In a few weeks Wyndham will be prepping for her double-foot realignment surgery. Her life is about to take on a whole new level of pain and suffering and challenge and that makes my heart ache so much.

I wish she could have come to the store with Bella and Ava and picked out new shoes and clothes and a backpack for school. But for whatever reason, her life is taking her on a different journey. I let the tears fall today, but my hope for her is to still give her the best this world has to offer her- even though it doesn't look the way I had hoped and dreamed it would be. I don't know that writing this all out does anything for any of you, but I would appreciate if some of you helped share our 'burdens' and prayed with us to be hopeful even on the days that hurt. Especially on the days that hurt.

My heart is still full for the 3 kids we did send off to school this morning. I felt blessed- even as I changed 3 diapers of the other kids this morning, that I had them in my life to love and care for and to hold and show love to. I am a lucky mom and I never want to take motherhood for granted. The mixed emotions are a part of being a parent- as many of you already know. I just didn't expect the wave of emtions to flood over me like they did just now. And I hope that just as tears flow from hurt, I can expect tears of happiness to flood over me in the days and years to come too. True, Wyndham didn't wake up to get ready for her first day back to school. But she is still here and she can hug me and laugh with all of us and I get to brush her thick hair after her bath in just a bit and she dances with her daddy before bedtime each night and she is a bright, shining star in our lives no matter what she does. I can't change what has happened to her and I still wish I knew more about who Teagan would be at this point in her life; but accepting it all as it is is shaping and changing me to be different than I imagined and dreamed I'd be too. I am choosing to trust that despite the occasional tears we're all challenged to be better than what we would have been if our lives had simply stayed on a "safe path". I am choosing to trust- yet again- that God knew all this in advance and He is holding us and guiding us through the challenges and just as a parent to their child, He has big hopes and dreams for us and will see to it that we grow into the full potential He has given each of us. His ways are higher and I'm so glad they are. My mixed emotions are another reminder to me that I need to lean on Him and trust Him fully. Joy or pain... He understands it all. For that gives me real comfort and peace. Even on these mixed up, emotional kind of days.

Who needs excuses?

No need for excuses to post baby pictures and photos of your almost-2 year old being a little show off when it's your blog. These are for my parents- who look forward to print-outs of my blog and I'm happy to accomodate them with a few photos.

Other than letting you know that Kristen in Texas won the blog/scrap contest from the other day I don't have a whole lot to tell you.

So, enjoy your weekend and depending on when we get accustomed to our new fall/school schedule, I'll be back at that time! This could be a long blog break... =)