Winter fun.

Brock got a snowbaord from his Grandma Karen and Grandpa John this Christmas. He is getting better at it everyday. We have a small hill to the side of our house and it's the perfect size for learning how to snowboard. Crew had his first sled ride with Chip the other day. He normally holds his breath in the cold air/wind and hates being bundled up. But in Daddy's arms and even with snowflakes floating down around him he was enjoying his winter outing.

Wyndham and I are ready for the snow to melt and the sun to come back out. We like it warmer and less slippery and cold. But until spring comes, I think there's still some more winter fun to be enjoyed by the rest of the family.

We are definitely enjoying the leisure pace of life without a school schedule right now. There is something so wonderful about staying in bed longer, wearing jammies all day and not having the pressure of anywhere to be this time of year. I don't know that any of us will stay up until midnight to ring in the New Year, but we will be comfy and cozy in our home. Together. That's the way I like it most of all.

We wish you all a safe and Happy New Year and hope you enjoy some warmth and cozy too.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas...

We wish we could have sent you all a handmade card this Christmas. Be assured that even though you may not have received one or maybe we've never even 'met' that my family and I appreciate the support and prayers and care we receive from so many of you throughout the whole year here at Nitty.Gritty. It's like you're practically family!

{Click family Christmas card to enlarge~ if you wish.}

Have a blessed, peaceful and Joy-filled Christmas this year. May the Babe in the manger touch your life and heart in a real way- even now more than 2000 years later. May you come to adore Him as He deserves to be adored.

Merry, merry Christmas from the whole Nitty.Gritty.Family!

Yum. Cake.

Yesterday was my birthday. Thirty-seven years of having a good excuse to eat cake in the middle of the busy holiday season. =) I was treated very well by all my family~ Chip kept the kids busy all day; or was it the kids keeping Chip busy all day?! Either way I basically got to enjoy some time out of the house (including a stop for an Eggnog latte) and enjoyed my time back in the house. Chip had baked me the second cake you see here- one of my favorites. It's a Pillsbury Bake-Off winner and the fresh whipped cream is the main thing I love about this one.

That other cake came from the colour lovers' blog. The creator of the blog celebrated his 28th birthday a few months back and his mom and girlfriend surprised him with a very colorful BIG cake! Wouldn't you love that! There is time, thought and love poured into both of these cakes and I am happy to say that I had a great birthday. Even though it meant I got another year older. If you wished me Happy Birthday on Facebook, I saw your note. It took me awhile to read over 100 messages, but they sure made me realize I am loved and that's a good thing when you get old too!

When the holidays hurt...

There's something so delightful and magical about the Christmas season- with the twinkling lights, jingle bells ringing, music playing and people greeting each other with smiles and rosy cheeks. But I can recall all too clearly how suddenly something so magical like the Christmas season made my head and heart pound with ache and pain and nothing seemed merry at all.

Christmas Eve 2000 was a special one for me. I remember clearly how my heart felt so full of blessing and joy especially as I sat with Chip and Teagan and Brock in a dark, candle-lit sanctuary listening to carols sung and Scripture read and feeling the kicks and movements of another baby inside of me. I felt overwhelmed with the goodness that God had given to our family at that special moment in time. We were celebrating a cozy Christmas in the first home we had purchased just a few weeks earlier. My kids were content and everything just seemed so simple and "perfect" that Christmas. Little did I know that the following Christmas Eve I would not have Teagan with me, Brock would be so emotionally distressed that he couldn't even sit at a table for a family meal and tiny infant Wyndham would be taking heafty doses of medication and struggling to re-learn things like how to suck and sit up on her own. Christmas didn't feel anything like I had remembered it, and to recall the former memories I had only brought me to my knees in tears. Grief was my new reality and I remember even seeing twinkling lights on homes as we drove down neighborhood streets made my chest ache and I could hardly breathe. Christmas and all it's magic felt like a cruel joke to me. I wondered if I would ever feel the Joy of this season again.

That Christmas, 2001 things were very different. And yet they were strikingly the same. I had two little ones and Chip at my side, and even a tiny baby growing inside of me- just as I had a year earlier. Yet nothing was the same. I felt like God had gone and messed everything good that we had going for us in our lives. It seemed as though His plan for our happy, simple lives had been replaced with something so tragic and unfamiliar. I had never known such grief and yet it was a part of every waking moment of our lives.

Christmas hurt. However, there was a peace I felt and a calm inside me which seemed to say, "This might not seem like Christmas as you know it, but the story is still the same". God hadn't changed in that year; our circumstances had. Our hopes and dreams had been altered, but I couldn't shake the fact that the Joy of Christmas was still the same. It wasn't about how I felt or the warmth of our fireplace and scent of cookies baking and music playing. The Peace that I was longing for and the Joy I felt had gone from our lives was still very much a part of the season. God's blessing and gifts to us were many that year and the greatest gift He had given us was the same one He had sent to earth 2000 years earlier. Jesus was our Hope and our Joy. I remember crying out to Him in the quiet of my living room as I sat next to Teagan's tree asking Him to fill my heart- not with the things that I wanted in life, but with the things HE wanted me to have in my life.

I can tell you today that God has been faithful and true to give us everything we have needed to walk the long, dark journey of grief and we have been blessed to find life and love and hope and many blessings as we emerged from that path. One of the things I hope others can see as you read here at my blog or witness our lives in person is that God is God and His blessings are available to anyone and everyone who turns to Him. By simply saying, "God, I want you to be real in my heart and life... I trust you fully" therein lies the Hope. Not just of Christmas. But of every trial and struggle we endure and even our future is secure in Him. No matter what may come our way- good or bad, God is with us. That's what the heart of Christmas is all about.

I recall taking great comfort in the fact that God's Son had come to earth to be Love and Hope for us, and also knew that He felt all we feel. He was no stranger to what it feels like to hurt. Even at Christmas. The holidays are strange and difficult for many people that I know and who read what I have to say here- but I pray that the gift of Hope will be yours this season and every step of the painful journey you find yourself on right now.

I share a few pictures here of Ava and Wyndham and me at their Christmas program the other night and a few more cards. There was a time when I didn't know if I could smile at this season or care to send a word of cheer to friends far away. The truth is, this season means so much to me and is a wonderful reminder that God IS near. When my heart and eyes begin to blur with tears and the ache of what I once held dear threatens to steal my Joy, I remind myself to see Christmas as God intended it to be. His gift of Love and message of Hope that He is King and Heaven is real and one day we will sing with all the angels on high. God's plan is perfect. And what a better reminder than to recall Christmas- when Jesus came to earth so many years ago. It may have been cold and dark and the stable was no place for a newborn babe; but God was there. It made all the difference that Christmas and every one since. When the holidays hurt, there is always One who is ready to fill us with something greater. I thank Him everyday for who He is in my life. It is a gift and it has changed my life. Forever.

More cards and crafts...

I was able to make some more cards over the weekend and that makes me happy. The more cards I can make, the more I can put in the mail! I was flattered and humbled that the designer of the paper line I've been using actually called me and posted pictures of my cards on her blog. Thank you, Brenda Walton~ it's been a pleasure to use your designs!

I took a little break from cards and tried my hand at pom-pom flowers. I got the idea from this tutorial/blogpost. Aren't they simply adorable? They remind me of little puffs of snow. I think I may have to host another giveaway and send one or two of you reading this a card and flower too. You know. Just because I need to add things to my Christmas list right now! Wait. On second thought, I think a random giveaway sounds like a nice thing to host in the New Year. I do have thoughts in my head for a blogpost about the holidays not being so merry. Hopefully I'll get those thoughts down here before the end of the week. Then my kiddos are on Christmas break and I doubt I'll get much thinking done then!

P.S. Do you have a favorite cookie recipe? I'm making some for a class party. I just haven't decided what kind yet.

More Christmas inspiration...

These things are too good not to pass along to all of you. The photos are taken from a wonderful Australian company/website called Mae. They feature fabric wall stickers- like the adorable deer and owl you see above. You can also click here for a link to downloadable gift wrap. I love it and thought you might too!

I took a short break from working on Christmas cards to make my kids waffles for lunch, start four loads of laundry and then treated myself to some inspiration blogs online. Now that's my kind of laid-back day. I hope you are enjoying a good weekend too!

Cards and more...

Here are some of the cards I've made in the past couple of days. It's much easier to work on projects when they don't have to be interrupted to drive to therapy or pick up kids from school. Winter has a few perks; snow days are the main one. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Sort of like my crafty/creative friends. I love them all very much, but boy, they make me feel pressure to get creative before I mail my cards to them! =) It would be easier if I didn't put expectations on myself when it comes to Christmas cards. But the truth is, I LOVE mail and I know some of my friends do too and they appreciate something made and sent with love. So I've decided to scale back my mailing list this year, but those who ARE on my list will know that they truly have a special place in my heart. Especially when it comes to cards.

Now, here are a few of the details- for those of you who are into them. Most of the patterned paper and chipboard shapes are from K & Company. I love this vintage line a lot! I think you can find most of the items at Jo-Ann or Michael's stores and even Target carries some of their lines. For the inside of the cards I've just been using scraps of papers or journaling tags and then simply adding some rub-ons for sentiments. I've also been sewing the background papers to the cards- I like the way it adds to the handmade feel and also I find it's actually quicker to sew than to use glue and let them dry. So while these cards sound like a lot of work, they actually come together quickly once I settle on the design. I may not be getting much baking done (our oven isn't heating properly and we're in the market for a new one), but the cards are hopefully going to make it to their destinations before Christmas. Especially if we keep getting snow days!

All is calm...

We're enjoying our first snow day of the winter today. Three of my kids didn't sleep in, but it's still nice to be in jammies and take in an extra leisure morning. If you do have to be out and about- even as the holiday season progresses- one of my tips for you is to grab a "Perfect Oatmeal" from Starbuck's if you're needing a quick pick-me-up. Skip the fast food burger and instead fill up on this tasty, warm meal. I like mine with all the toppings~ brown sugar, dried fruit and mixed nuts~ but I only use half of each packet. The other half I eat on my next bowl of oatmeal I make at home. As a self-proclaimed cereal fanatic, you now know my top favorite food. Which surprisingly doesn't include whipped cream. =)

The little pink tree is one I put up in Ava's room and it was a surprise for her when she came home from school one day last week. I had to move a pile of stuffed animals to make room for the mini tree and decided that I'd just use them as decorations on it instead of pulling out a whole bunch of ornaments. She was SO happy with it. She kept saying, "You made my wish come true; I love my pink tree!" It was a very simple thing to do, but clearly was one that enhanced her merriment this season. I love when that happens. Sometimes it's the little things that make the season brighter. I have had to threaten to take it down a couple of times already, but for now it's still up and she remains on "the nice list". =) Bella has a silver mini tree in her room and is just as pleased with her tree as Ava. Wyndham has a mini dvd player in her's and is happy to be able to watch Barney's Christmas movie whenever she wants to.

Now... back to some cardmaking and more coffee for this calm morning!

c.u.t.e.n.e.s.s.

Add anything from this place to my Christmas wish list. All so very cute. Thought you might like to take a peek for yourself. Did I mention how much I love handmade or vintage items? Very.

Merry & Bright.

The top two photos here are not mine. But I am making it my personal challenge after yesterday's post to blog as much as I can through the rest of this month. Even if it's just simple stuff like links and photos of different things that are inspiring me this holiday season.

I am really enjoying how so many people seem to be crafting and creating handmade things the past couple of years- and one of the things I keep seeing all over the place is cute garlands. The scalloped one you see pictured would be sweet hanging up on a mantle in holiday colors/print. You can find the link and tutorial right here. I'm adding that to me "want-to-do list". =)

Right next to the garland on my list is to make some chocolate-covered marshmallows. I know my kids would like these rolled in sprinkles or drizzled with chocolate or even covered in red and green sugar. Nothing says Christmas like sugar on top of sugar...right?! It's the time of year for indulging. Or is it bulging? Ha! Either way, I thought these were cute and fun and if you want you can follow this link and buy them online and have them shipped to you or your friends right here!

I did find a few quiet minutes early in the morning the past couple of days and I pulled out some of the coffee sleeves I've been saving all year long and cut up some patterned papers and then added some ribbons and a few other little things and voila! Little coffee sleeve albums- just waiting to be filled with tiny pictures and handwritten notes. Hopefully I will have them wrapped up and in the mail early this week. I may not be getting all my Christmas cards written, but I am going to spread as much Christmas cheer as I can. Maybe I've even inspired you to save your cup holders and turn them into something fun to pass on this Christmas too. They'd make great gift tags or even cute garland if you strung a bunch of them together and added letters to spell something like "Tis the Season".

Here's to making the season merry and brighter!

Winter is here!

We have white fluffy snow covering everything outside our windows as of this morning. I think it's here to stay! The kids were all excited to try on new snowpants and get their boots and accessories all set out for school today. Except Wyndham. She doesn't like the cold and slippery and bulk of extra clothing. She has sensory issues when it comes to things like winter. I think I have them too- just a little different kind than her. =)

She did get new boots and seems to like her plaid coat. Although you won't see her making any snow angels, when I snapped these pictures I couldn't help but think what a sweet little angel she is on our lives. Whether or not she keeps mittens on. I just thought I'd share these pictures since it's been awhile for me to post anything. I always have good intentions, but life is just so full and I'm never really that inspiring anyway. I figure nobody misses me around here for a few days at a time.

Except maybe my mom. And when she starts missing me too much she just picks up the phone and calls. I guess it's her fault that I don't blog that much right now. =)

I have to share a tasty winter tip with you that might be of interest to some of you. Brock happens to like Malt o Meal hot cereal- for breakfast and sometimes as an afterschool snack too. The fun part is that we make the original {ie. plain, unsweetened} kind and then flavor it with any variety of coffee creamer. It's delicious with flavors like White Chocolate Raspberry or Vanilla Latte or even Pumpkin Spice or Peppermint. Crew gobbles it up once it's cooled for a few minutes. That's it for today! Hot cereal and flavored creamer. See? You're really not missing out on too much when the blog goes without being updated for a day or two. Or more. =)

But now that you've stopped by, feel free to share any fun winter tips or tricks or inspiration that you're enjoying this time of year too. I'd love to read/be linked to more winter fun!

Did you feel the earth stop its spinning?

I think for a couple of months now I have had this guilty feeling that if I shirk my responsibilities for even a morning that the whole earth would come to a standstill. Well today I found out that it won't. Life goes on whether I scrap or do laundry or make beds or make lunches or skip a shower or any number of other things. I haven't taken the time to create and just play with my scrap stuff for quite awhile now and after following a link to a challenge blog- Butterfly Crafts- I thought it would be fun to play along and take on the challenge posted. I was having so much fun and not feeling the least bit guilty that I actually did two of their posted challenges.

One was a layout about which tv/movie actor you would want to be... my page is here. The other was to create something based on something that makes you happy. I scrapped a mini album about a whole bunch of things that I like right now- it was totally random and fun.

The best part is that I discovered that life kept spinning- even though I stopped and took some time for myself. I think it's something I may need to remind myself of more often. Especially as we enter this coming month and all the hustle and bustle that the Christmas season can bring to our lives. It's more important than ever to take time to be still and enjoy this time of year and make it meaningful instead of just full! I encourage you all to step back from your spinning world and do something that fills your heart- whatever that may be!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend too. It's always a great thing to reflect on our blessings- past, present and those yet to come too. Happy last day of November. =)

This post brought to you by the letter "p"...

With the exception of Brock and Crew in the pile of leaves, the photos here represent some of what is going on around our house today. Puzzles and painting and playing with pots and pans. Basic kid stuff that involves making a mess, being creative, using hands and minds and all the various activities keep kids busy for at least a little while. Just long enough for me to finish cleaning the previous mess and then I turn around and start cleaning up the next.

We are all officially on Thanksgiving break. But I am starting to wonder why they call it a break. Besides taking a hot shower this morning and now sneaking in a few minutes to update my blog, I've yet to have a break from anything or anyone around here! =)

Chip was gone to Tulsa, Oklahoma last Friday through Sunday and then with the short school week this week I feel like I'm working overtime. That's the major reason I've been absent around here. I feel like there should be at least 3 more of me just so one of me can catch up on sleep, one to stay on top of cleaning and homekeeping, and then one to try to have fun and be more creative- something I haven't found myself doing at all lately. I miss being the one to make the mess. =)

However, there is something very satisfying about seeing the smiles on everyone else's faces around here. So I'm sitting tight and hanging around and trying to find to keep the peace around here. Not an easy task all the time, but a privilege when I stop to think about it nonetheless!

The invisible connections...

In sharing openly about our loss of Teagan and the sudden reality of trauma, grief, sorrow and heartache in our day-to-day lives our family has made connections in 'real life' and online that we never would have likely encountered had we not shared our story. This 'connection' is something that almost always invisible to the eye, but is powerful and felt so strongly by the heart. Now that it has been several years of sharing our story I am simply amazed at how many people do have this connection to us and we with them- a connection that I treasure and yet ache so deeply for all at the same time.

I recently heard it [death/heartache] described as an invisible knife that one carries in their heart forever. Those who also carry it within often sense it and can relate to others who share this same pain; those who can't 'see it' sometimes press up against it and make it worse (unknowingly many times) or are suddenly made aware of it, but at the same time they can't empathize in the same way because they do not know the depth of the ache and how it feels. I hurt when I learn of others who hurt. I ache on a whole new 'level' post-Teagan's death than I ever did prior to our tragedy. I have come to learn how my hugs and sympathies were so much more empty when life was going good for us, and now when I offer words of comfort or extend a hug, having experienced death and living without Teagan brings new meaning to my words and my hugs are more heartfelt with Teagan's spirit wrapped around them too. I don't know if this even 'makes sense' to anyone that reads it... or maybe it does. I'm still often at a loss of how to explain what my heart feels and then to put it into words is a task all it's own.

What I do know is that our family is not alone when it comes to heartache and loss. There are people everywhere who have stories and memories of loved ones that are etched on their hearts forever too. I know that our experiences and challenges are unique to each other's situations, but there is an invisible connection that ties us all together too.

I get several emails and facebook messages each week from some of you as readers, and also from friends and family who share stories of people that you know, or even you yourself are going through, as it relates to death, trauma, disability or other life challenges that are overwhelming and scary. I am constantly reminded and humbled that my life experiences can 'connect' with others and even encourage many too. I am always touched by the people behind these stories and my heart goes out to them in a very special way. I often find myself in prayer for those of you who are going through painful life (and death) circumstances and feel strongly that one of the purposes for my pain serves to be a comfort to others in theirs. I don't know that I will ever fully understand the purpose of pain and heartache this side of Heaven, but I do know that 'good' can come from it when we give it to God and allow Him to work in us and through us.

I guess all this is spilling over onto the pages of this blog for several reasons. Two of the most beautiful ones you see pictured above- the top photo is Kate and the second little girl is Ava. Their stories and photos were shared with me by friends of theirs and I find myself "instantly" connected- mostly because of my own bright-eyed, curly haired little girl that tugs at my heart to this day. There's something special about little girls, but even moreso when someone emails me and says, "follow this link to their story". I can't help but go and I encourage you to do the same.

Kate's story is one that is still unfolding. She is battling cancer and you can find ways to 'get involved' with her story- whether through prayers for her, by giving to her toy drive or even just being grateful on a new level for your own health and that of those around you.

Ava's story is one that even in her absence continues to touch people around the world through the way her family continues to share her photos and story. I have 'talked' with her mom, Sheye, via emails and I know she would be moved if you would take time to read Ava's story and in turn act accordingly as a result. It doesn't change the fact that they miss Ava, but the hope of never having another family feel the pain they do is one that drives them to share their hurt and invite others to be changed as a result.

There are so many more stories and people that I could highlight and invite you to enter in to their stories too. I hope that many of you are continuing to pray for Jaymun's family as their wounds and heartache are still so fresh and painful. I know they appreciate your care too! I oftentimes wonder why lives are cut so short and questions are left to be asked and pondered. I have yet to come to an understanding of why things happen the way they do, and yet if you have followed here for any length of time you hopefully can see that our family simply trusts God every step of the way- whether the answers are revealed to us or not. Trusting in Him is the very thing that sees us through and this 'invisible connection' to the One who holds the universe in place is the one that we turn to every single day.

To wrap up my thoughts today I want to share with you the short devotional that I read in my quiet time this morning. It's titled "Secure in God" and it comes from a little book called: One-Minute Promises of Comfort by Steve Miller.

The verse for this devotional is Joel 2:27 which simply says,

"I am the Lord your God".

When we are deeply unsettled and feeling unsure about our lot in life, the greatest comfort we have is that we can be sure about God.

Temptations may plague us, and doubts may assail us. Questions may haunt us, and fear may disturb us. We may even reach a point of questioning God's existence, or feel as though He is powerless to help us.

Yet no matter how are circumstances make us feel, there is nothing that can threaten the certainty of who God is and the security of our relationship with Him. To hear Him say, "I am the Lord your God" can give us a sense of restful calm and confidence even in the worst of earthly disasters.

God is God, and nothing can change that. He has committed Himself to caring for you. Doesn't that make you feel secure?

How it works.

Would you believe that after more than eight years of living with grief and moving beyond trauma that there are still new things to learn about the whole process and unexpected moments can still come as a surprise? Well, it's true. I've got a little story to share with you that happened while I was browsing in the girls' outwear department yesterday. If you check in on me at Facebook, you already know what happened as I updated my status with this story.
This is what I posted:
I was stopped dead in my tracks when I was at a store today and heard a mom say, "Teagan, Teagan...come over here and stay by mommy, sweetie!". Of course I had to look over and see who Teagan was. She was about 5 or 6 and had pigtails in her hair and a smile on her face. Just what I'd expect from a little girl named Teagan. =)
I also added this when a friend asked me if I was okay:
For a quick second I thought about asking if I could give her a hug. Then I would have come home and said to Chip, "I hugged Teagan today!". Thanks, Karen for caring. Yes...I'm okay with such an unexpected moment. To me, anytime something or someone makes me think about Teagan is a really wonderful thing.
It really was a surprising thing for me to hear Teagan's name and to see a little girl bouncing around the clothing racks- just being happy. I have people occasionally tell me that they know someone named Teagan or have some sort of connection to that name, but I've never met another Teagan since mine went to Heaven in 2001. I actually really liked that I happened to be in that place at such a time yesterday to hear a mom call for her Teagan. I used to miss hearing her name so much and it made me realize that another Teagan was living this life with happiness. I was happy for them. That unexpected moment also made me realize how glad I am that I have moved beyond the heart-wrenching grief that I've lived through. Instead of tears welling up in my eyes I actually felt glad and I turned and had a big grin on my face.
There are times when I wish a million times over that I could change the reality of my life without Teagan. And if you're familiar with grief on a personal level as I am with the death of my little girl, you understand how my heart felt overwhelming gratefulness that such an incident brought back a million memories and I wouldn't trade those for anything in this world.
Grief is ever-changing; forever a part of my life- even in the most unlikely of places.
I just wanted to share this as I know that some of you are walking through the process and carrying a load of grief in your own life's story. I hope that even something as small as hearing your loved one's name in an unexpected place can bring healing and happiness to your heart too. It's hard to embrace death as it's so final- yet it never, ever goes away this side of Heaven. Today I am grateful for Hope all over again. I look forward to calling Teagan's name and having her run into my arms... with Hope, I know that will happen again someday.
That's how it works.