This day.

The past couple of mornings the first thing I have thought when I awoke in the morning is, "This is the day that the Lord has made...let us rejoice and be glad in it". July is always such a reflective month for me as our family marks the incident which claimed Teagan's life and altered the plans and dreams we had for our future. Each year since July 2001 I have looked back and remembered, but also looked at the present and been truly amazed at how far we have come and how God has blessed our family in ways I never could have imagined.
I awake to 4 kids and a husband and another one kicking inside me and it's hard to believe how our 'life story' has turned into such a beautiful thing. Simple, not without struggle, not perfect, but something to be grateful for each day.
The pictures here today are just a few I snapped last week as we played outside and enjoyed the sunshine and relaxing days of summer. {Remember when Chip cleaned up the front landscape awhile back? Here's how it looks now.} I try not to take such little things like days in the pool and flowers and just being home and healthy for granted- ever.
I have reasons to thank God and rejoice in what He has given me everyday. Somedays it's easier to be more grateful than others, but even on the difficult days I am finding that there is always something in life for which I can say 'thanks'.
Some of you know and are following Jaymun's story and know that he continues to need our prayers. I think of the whole Kaat family at times when my own kids are just being kids and life is easy and comfortable in our home. I think of the questions and decisions that they must make- and I know their heads and hearts ache. But I continue to rejoice and thank God, because I know that He can bring them through and show them beauty even in the midst of something as big and unknown as cancer.
God has brought our family through so much. I am thankful that I can share through words and pictures the truth- that God can see anyone through anything- it's a matter of trust. Even when we don't understand, we can trust that God has a way...God has a plan...God has a future for us. And it always includes blessing and beauty. It may take time. It may demand more of us than we think we can handle, but in time there is beauty and Joy. May you find it as you journey throughout your own life.
Yes, today and everyday we can say, "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it."

The 4th of July...

We took in a local small-town parade this morning. The weather is near perfection...low 70's and mild humidity. There is something so special to me about the Fourth of July. Especially as I recall years past. It has long been a family day for me-as a child it was a day for a big family reunion on my dad's side. I have find memories of the ice-cream, softball games, potluck and fun. The year Teagan died, we took in fireworks over Mackinaw Island in northern Michigan and snapped our last family picture with her- although we didn't know it at the time.

The past few years it has just been simple and fun. A day to celebrate our independence, as well as remember those who are serving and sacrificing so much for these freedoms we have each day.

I hope you get the chance to make some memories, enjoy the outdoors and especially be thankful for the freedom we have- which costs many people so much. I wish you all a Happy Fourth of July. I feel blessed to be an American.

My camera.

Okay. Too many of you have emailed me or left comments in the past few months asking me what kind of camera I use. Well, here it is...a Sony Cybershot DSC-R1. It's quite a camera- and definitely more than I know how to handle, but I love it. I am also still learning how to use it. I do not consider myself an expert or even good at photography. I just take a lot of pictures, and sometimes I get lucky and get a few good shots in the process. =)
So.
About my camera.
It's big and has a lot of features and a cool 'zoom out' lens. It will cost you around $799 to purchase, and I would never spend that kind of money on a camera. I didn't even spend that much on my bed or couch! {wink} But I love it and am telling you the truth- I got it 'for free'. Yep. Chip and I use a Sony card for charges and when you get a certain number of points accumulated you can use them toward rewards. This was my reward.
As I said, I don't even know how to really use most of the features that this camera has on it, but I still like it and enjoy trying to figure it out. The best advice I have heard about learning how to best use your camera is to read the manual. But I am the kind of person who likes to learn by trial and error. I mget lots of blurry pics and sometimes I get frustrated that I don't know how to take a good picture of fast-moving action or low-light situations.
That's where the photo-editing comes into play. My pictures end up looking more vibrant and clear because I almost always play with them and resize them in my hp Photosmart Premiere program. {Or you can play in Adobe Photoshop or even at picnik.com...lots of places to edit photos online if you look for them.}
I also have to say that my photos have changed in look since I started scrapbooking. I am more aware of how I frame a picture, how close up I crop it before I even snap the photo, and I also enjoy trying to take pictures more casual and at fun angles. It's something I hope to keep getting better at.
I also will be better about linking you to photography sites or online classes that I would recommend. I do appreciate your comments and questions- they make me feel like I'm learning at least a little bit as I go along. I also have to say that its so helpful to just take a lot of pictures and see what works for you- try different angles, different settings, different editing and also look at other peoples' work and learn from them.
I wouldn't necessarily go out and buy an expensive camera. I've heard it said that you should learn to take better pictures with your current camera and then when you've mastered that one, you better know what you are looking for in the next camera.
I hope to get some good pictures of our activites and family fun tomorrow for the Fourth of July. Be assured, I will post them here when/if that happens. =)
Have a safe and happy holiday!

If you love digital elements...

Then you will want to go check out a relatively new site called "Scrapblog". I designed this blog banner over there (now I have to figure out how to post it as my blog header here!) and had a lot of fun trying different things and just browsing all the funky designs and pictures. You can click on the picture here and see it in more detail- lots of little things going on! They have thousands of things to add to pictures {frames, stickers, fonts, etc.} and I plan to play around with some of my photos next.
Anyway, just thought I'd show you what I was up to this morning. I know some of you need a little 'rainy day' activity. This would top my list of things to do! Have fun...

Our mini-summer vacation.

It was spontaneous and fun-filled. Our family rarely gets away for time together in the summer due to Chip's demanding schedule at the golf club. But a co-worker/friend of his offered his cabin up to us for an overnight and we couldn't say no. {Thanks, Lew!} So we packed food, swimwear, sunblock, pillows and the camera (among a few other things that filled the whole back of the van) and we were on our way.

It turned out to be perfect weather- even though there were some clouds and a few raindrops late the first night- for enjoying the paddleboat, kayaks, sandy beach, breakfast on the deck, smore's and more over the charcoal grill, local ice cream, swimming, splashing, relaxing, laughing, playing, trying new things, and making memories in a 24-hour timepan that will last a long time.

I took over 100 pictures- yes, I'm obsessive, but then again, this rarely happens- because I wanted to capture the fun. I hope you find the opportunity to capture some summer fun and make some memories of your own. As for that Cub's t-shirt Chip is wearing... he's still a Twin's fan at heart. But last week he joined his boss and family and friends at Chicago's Wrigley Field for a game in which his boss/GC owner got to throw out the first pitch. I guess it was another day of fun and memories. That's what summer is all about. I love soaking it up. Almost as much as the kids do. Happy July to all of you!

Still a little time to...

buy something in the ScrapInStyle Boutique (tonight until midnight CST) and be eligible for a grand prize which includes everything you see pictured in the second photo here. Also, there is free shipping on all orders domestic orders of $50 or more. Talk about a good deal! There's a lot going on at SIStv tonight and tomorrow...as you read this there are games and challenges under message board threads titled "Slumber Party". I had previously mentioned that the Girly-Girl Collection goes on sale today. That's what you see in the top photo and what I used to scrap this for Wyndham's room...a little wall-hanging.

Speaking of slumber party.

Our family took a spontaneous trip up to a friend's cabin this weekend and we had a little bit of our own slumber party. The weather was gorgeous and I have a sunburn to prove it. The kids loved the lake and Brock was an expert kayaker...we had no idea he would do so well! I have a ton of photos, but also a ton of wet swimsuits, towels and dirty bedding to wash, as well as some home keeping to do as a result of our trip. So you will just have to be patient for pictures from the lake.

I have to say, as much as it's fun to get away for a short time, it mostly serves to reaffirm to me just how much of a homebody I am. And nothing feels better than a shower {with Buttercream shower gel} and your own bed once you get home. =)

Staying busy.

My summer seems to be flying by already, as June is swiftly coming to an end. We're just starting to get warm temps and high humidity though, so hopefully that means there is still a lot of splashing and playing to do.
I pulled out the kiddie pools a few times this week and found I still fit into a swimming suit. =) {I'm 27 weeks today and updated my pics here if you're following the 'journey to you' pics in my SIS gallery.} I got a cute chinese take-out box with some onesies tucked inside from the owner of yellowfence.com, as well as some cute t-shirts for the rest of the kids this week too. I just had to share a pic and say a public-blog thank you!
I know you don't all scrap, but for those of you who do, I can tell you that there is going to be a new Collection coming out in the SIS Boutique on Monday. It's called "Girly-Girl" and it has some of the most adorable papers and items included in it. I scrapped a mini 'wishes' album with it- which you can view here- and I'm looking forward to making a few more things over the weekend as well.
Ava fell in love with the above pink felt flowers as soon as I opened my box of stuff. She took one look at them and then said to me, "Let's go scrapping right now...I'm using the pink flowers first!". I think it broke her heart when I told her they were mine. In fact, I might just have to make her a special hair clip or bracelet or something wearable with one or more of them. It would make her day!
Thanks for so many of you who continue to send me emails and encourage me to share my stories here at Nitty.Gritty. I am getting further and further behind in my replies as a result. I also have found several emails that have gone straight to my spam folder. If you have any sort of website or bloglink in your note, it almost always gets sent to that box. I'm happy to have saved a bunch of them...but just wanted you to know that if you never hear from me, it's likely your note slipped by me. I do read all my emails from my readers and I respond as often as I can. If you write blog or Teagan or Nitty.Gritty. or even buttercream in the subject line, I will be certain to fish it out and make sure it gets read. =)
Have a great weekend!

I love warm banana bread.

Things I loved today... banana bread, hearing the baby's strong heartbeat, smelling the fresh earth through an open window as the rain drizzled outside, watching my girls play together without arguing for more than an hour, having Brock say, "I love you, Mom" more than once, getting an unexpected phonecall from my sister {thanks, Steph!}, remembering fond memories of my inlaws home as today is their last day in it after 37 years there {Chip and I were married in the backyard of that home...}, eating a buy 1- get 1 free waffle dish from Marble Slab with Chip and kiddos, reading Isaiah chapter 40 and realizing what a gift it is to 'wait on the Lord' only to have Him renew your strength, seeing Wyndham so happy to join her friends at therapy for a field trip to the Childrens' Museum, getting kids into jammies knowing today was a gift with them and tomorrow will be another gift with them, giving them hugs and kisses and getting them right back, hearing my mom's voice on the answering machine saying, "Hi, this is Mom, I just called to talk..."
It's the little stuff in life that often matters most of all. I am so blessed and I never want to take the little stuff for granted. Even fresh-baked banana bread.

Without question...

Chip was down on one knee asking me to make him the happiest man on earth and say yes to being his wife about this time- 14 years ago.

I said "yes...but you have to understand..."

And then I went on to tell him how I was so opposed to having kids- ever- I made him promise me that he never, ever wanted kids either. He did. He said he could live without kids, but he couldn't live without me, and with that, we were engaged. It was a really wonderful time in both of our lives. The photobooth pictures here are some we took, I think, on the day or within the week we were engaged. The last set of pics we took on that winter on one of our dates out at the Mall of America.

I love seeing how happy we look, how much fun we had together, and I love that even though I had my heart set against falling into a relationship at that point in my life, that I couldn't help myself when it came to Chip. I was smitten from the very first date. He was the smooth...or otherwise we were just 'that meant' to be together. {We were married about 14 months later.}

I regret over and over that I was so selfish though at that time in my life, that I made him agree to 'no kids'. I really was that set against having kids consume my time, my life, my money, my agenda. I was so selfish that at the time, it didn't even sound ridiculous to me when I made him promise me such a thing.

But God was already at work in my heart and in our lives. I am so glad that He was. I am so glad that He was willing to have me angry and hurt and depressed at Him for allowing me to get pregnant {we found out the morning of our first annivesary weekend that we were expecting a baby- Teagan..} and yet He knew what was best for us in our lives at that time. Even if it didn't fit my agenda.

I am so glad that God, through Teagan and through Chip, softened my heart and made me "see" my selfishness. I am so glad that I have grown and changed and lived and learned and followed a path that I never would have even been on had it not been for many events in my life. I am so glad that I said "yes" to Chip fourteen years ago. I am so glad he even asked me to join him in this life journey we are on- even when I needed a change of heart.

I would say "yes" again to him. Without question.

It has been one of the best things decisions of my life.

I love you, Chip and I thank you a hundred times over for asking me to be yours. Forever.

So many

So many of you to thank. Lots of you have sent me emails...it means so much and makes me happy to know you are encouraged or inspired or just laugh and cry along with me on this Nitty.Gritty. journey through life.
God is Real.
I think there just aren't enough people sharing their stories of how Real He is, and therefore mine looks pretty amazing or incredible or even 'unbelievable' for some people. So thank you for many of you for contacting me and sharing how God is real in your life. There is so much "fluff" and meaningless stuff out in the world- from the media to people not living authentic lives and lots of messages come at us that sometimes it's hard to know what to believe.
I am grateful to be learning that I do know and hear Truth and am seeking each day to understand it more fully and to have God be even more real to me. He is blessing me as I call out to Him. Some of you made mention of my 'deep faith' and even wished you had such a thing. I am here to tell you that it is not unique to me. It is free and available to anyone who calls on the name of the Lord. God will hear you. He is knocking on your heart's door and waiting for you to come to Him.
When is the last time you cried out to Him?
Have you wondered about God's purpose and plan for your life?
Do you believe you can have as much Joy and Hope as Christ has?
You can.
And it's free to all who seek Him.
I hope, if anything, that my life and words occasionally make you want to know Him more deeply- more fully- more passionately.
He is worth whatever you have to give up inorder to find Him.
I'm no saint and I certainly don't have all the answers.
But I continue to seek and I am humbled and appreciative that so many of you are seeking Him too and find my stories encourage you on this journey.
Thank you for coming alongside me- even anonymously or unknowingly often times. I was moved by how many of you wrote to me for the first time. I am still reading your emails and hope to respond to as many as I can! You have encouraged me. I would love to chat with you over a Starbuck's or bowl of carrot cake ice cream. You sound so nice and interesting and many of you have been broken in this world too. I would love to listen to your stories, and I'm sure that I would find God being real to you too.
I'm grateful that Truth always has a way of touching people and I will never be ashamed of sharing my story and my convictions as long as I know they come from my heart...that they are true. Thanks for many words of encouragement. I appreciate you and them!

The polls...

I find it hard to follow posts in which there is controversy or misunderstanding in what I write, so I have literally taken time to think and process and pray before I came back to share my thoughts again.
Each blogpost here at Nitty.Gritty. surprisingly gets on average 1100-1200 views. I'm not sure who you are or where you are reading from, but I find that interesting, to say the least. I really don't consider myself that exciting or thoughtful or well-written or even that controversial of a person. Really. If you were to meet me at line in Target having never read my blog, you would think I'm just another ordinary mom. Or maybe you would see me ride the cart out to my car and think I was crazy...but certainly you wouldn't point or whisper or think anything outstanding about me. =) And I wouldn't expect you to, nor would I want to stand out.
I have been very happy to just sort of 'blend in' with people around me- never moreso than since when Teagan died. There was a time in my life when our town was small and everyone knew me as "the lady whose daughter was killed in the restaurant accident". They watched me at church and at Wal-mart and when our family went out to eat. It was hard to be 'on display' knowing that whatever I/we did people would have an opinion about it. It would either be 'too early to be doing that' or 'I could never do what they do' or just the quiet, watchful eyes waiting to see when and if Chip and I would split up or any number of other things.
The first couple of months after our tragedy I found I couldn't even shop for groceries without crying or falling apart in the parking lot as I loaded bags into our car. Then one time I was so determined not to cry- I didn't even want to think about what happened- I actually wanted to pretend it never had happened. And hardly three steps through the front doors, someone who had been at the scene came up to me with a big hug and started crying- and I just stood in that embrace and tried to forget.
And maybe it was that moment, but I realized that 'it' was always going to be with me- a big part of me- a part that would affect how I think, how I feel, how I act, how I respond, how I live. Every single day.
But I also determined at that point, that I didn't want to live with that 'banner' over me. I wanted more out of life than just a dark tragic incident. I think I spent some time yelling at God about "how could He let this happen to me- to us?" where we didn't have a choice- even though my heart was longing for change?! I was confused and I didn't know how to 'live with grief'. I'd never done it before...I'd never read a manual on how to do it- much less do it well.
I guess maybe that is my disclaimer for sharing my story. I never signed up for or wished to have "grief" be the 'big thing' in my life that shapes much of what I think, say and do. I never thought I would grow up and be "a mom who lost a child at a young age and as a result also has a child with special needs". I never thought this would be my life. But it is. And how I choose to journey through life with it, I guess, may not be 'popular' or fit with the way others would choose to do it. I respect that. But I would also expect others to respect my way of doing it...and the fact that I share as openly as I do doesn't make me 'dark or obsessed with death' or in need of therapy as some suggest. I also don't believe that grief is something that will lead my kids down a road wrought with mental and emotional scars all their lives. I think it is one aspect of our lives- but it's just that. One part of it.
Just as others have their 'thing'...we have ours.
Yours might be financial burdens or alcoholism or divorce or abuse or depression or addiction or compulsive behavior or any other number of emotional and mental problems that are out there in our world. None of us are immune from the hurts in this world. No one. But it doesn't automatically make us and those who share our lives victims of that- we can choose how to respond. And that, I believe, is what Chip and I are doing in our lives- in our family.
We choose to remember Teagan and to share some of the stories and memories we have of her...but we also have spent years and energy to create new, happy memories and let our kids personalites guide us as to how much we talk about Teagan. I have never been concerned for them 'picking up on nonverbals'- which I believe would be the occasional tears we shed, or the way we smile as we tell them our memories. We have never made them feel guilty or ashamed or scared of death. I have no concerns for our children to grow up and read any of these blog posts. I think it will more likely help them understand and hopefully it will be something fun for them- to remember more clearly- not just Teagan, but their own childhood and antics and they will see their personalities grow and develop. I worry about my kids watching Prime-time network television and other things far worse than anything I have ever written or posted here.
All that to say, I appreciate the comments. I enjoy the dialogue and many of you choose to email me and encourage me and share your own thoughts and stories. I have gained deep friendships as a result of writing this blog, and I have also learned so much about myself.
I have never worried about 'writing for my audience'...as I said, there are more than 1000 of you and I have no clue who most of you are- so it would be impossible to tailor my posts for you anyway. What I do know, is that I enjoy writing. I enjoy sharing. I feel very strongly that God has a purpose and a plan that far exceeds anything I could dream up for my own life and by noting some of the ups and downs on a blog, I literally can 'see' how God is in control. That gives me peace and great assurance. At times some of you say you can 'see it too' and to me, that is only by the grace of God.
There is a lot of 'fluff' out there in the world and the media seems so full of negativity. I try to balance some of what I share with fun and depth and meaning, because that is what I seek in life. I seek to live a life of purpose- but a life with Joy and Hope...and with so many kids and a great husband, I would be remiss to not post fun, light-hearted stuff. It's just a part of my life.
So although I may not get the 'best ratings' when I post on certain topics, I have no plans to change the way I write, the things I write, nor be ashamed or intimidated by those things. I'm not in this for the glory. I'm just being me.
Thanks again to so many of you who choose to share your thoughts with me- both in comments and by way of email. And sometimes by phonecalls too...Mom. =)

Wondering.

I found a website with some really cute {I love the side-wrap style shirts and snaps for babies} newborn outfits that has made me think that boy clothes can be fun too. After so many girls I have gone through lots of pink and purple stuff with butterflies and hearts and so it's actually kind of fun for me to think about the more 'mellow side' of clothing and just seeing the small clothes is getting me more and more anxious to meet our next baby. A little boy. We're still discussing names andopen to suggestions. I have no doubt something will just 'seem right' in the end.
In the past couple of days I have done lots of thinking and I start getting in the 'memory mode' of the summer that our tragedy occurred and Teagan was suddenly gone. I look at Ava right now and she is almost the identical age of Teagan at the time of her last days with us here on earth. {They are just four days apart in age and so I clearly recall Teagan through Ava right now.} I can't help but remember, and wonder too. That time in our lives- even though Wyndham had had some medical concerns earlier that spring- still holds some of the best memories for me and our family. The kids traveled back home with us to Minnesota a few times and we hung out with family and friends and really just loved a simpler time and lots of happiness.
Teagan was turning into such a little lady- she was mostly sweet with a little bit of attitude that she would put to use when she felt it served her best. =) She was not afraid to play the role of big sister to both Brock and Wyndham (Brock was 2...Wyndham was 5 months) and would tell them stories and dictate the activities they would play. She would tell Brock, "we're going to play house and you're going to be the dad" and he would go right along with her pretending and having fun. She would invite him to her room to play Barbies and he never turned her down. He was her little shadow and the two of them had so much fun together. Rarely a squabble was heard as Brock was so easy-going and just seemed to thrive with Teagan leading him around the house and yard. It was a perfect match as far as brother/sister matches go.
Even with Wyndham, Teagan seemed so happy to be a helper and she was often at my side to help dress and change and feed and play with Wyndham. She would tell her things like, "Purple is my favorite color, but you can have pink" and "I have some coconut sparkle lip gloss that you can share with me when you get bigger". I was so happy that things seemed so 'easy' with 3 kids and that there was never an issue of jealousy going on or a constant fight for my attention. We were just happy being a family.
I couldn't help but wonder what I would have been doing in my life had God not sent me the gift of these kids- especially since my heart had been so dead-set against ever having kids. I found myself loving every minute of being a mom and I even thanked God {in my prayers and in my journal} for giving me the opportunity to be the one to watch them grow. I wasn't perfect in my role- I often then and still do feel inadequate for the task of raising and molding and shaping my children, but it was a wonderful thing for me and I was learning patience, humility and dependence on God.
The past few days as I have been doing my morning quiet times and reading through some wonderful stories and history of God at work in the Old Testament in the Bible, it makes me see just how thought out and planned our God truly is. He can be trusted in all circumstances and He never makes mistakes. No matter how out-of-control or upside-down our world can feel or be. I sometimes wonder what life would be like if we never had our incident and Teagan was still here. Chip and I have talked and agree that likely we wouldn't have possibly one or two of the kids we have since Teagan's death. God has opened our hearts to His ways and plans and that has resulted in us being open and even exicted about more kids- where prior to July 2001, the idea of more kids caused worry and stress and we looked at our finances and abilities and it made the possibility much more slim.
Now, we're still not perfect, but we do know that God can use us anyway. We rely on Him for the needs and concerns we have each day and we know from our past experiences that God is never going to fail us. He will always give us the strength and ability to do and be who He wants us to be.
I have to admit, I still find myself wondering and questioning that the things that have happened in our lives and I still wish they could be different. I wish Teagan didn't have to die and I wonder what kind of girl Wyndham would be if she could talk and play and be 'normal' like the rest of her siblings and friends. But I have learned to stop asking questions, to let them go because there are no good answers, and instead, I look forward to the future and try to love the moments I have today.
Today that means I miss Teagan and still can remember her laughter and smiles and how she lit up our lives from the moment she woke up each morning {or sometimes noon or later...she was a night owl!}, but at the same time I can hear my other kids talking and laughing and I am feeling the kicks and stretches of another member of our family from the inside and my heart is at peace. (If you want, click here for most recent belly pics.) I will never stop wondering. But I have learned I can love this moment just the way it is. And it makes me love God even more. He is good and His mercies continue to overflow in our lives. I will never stop loving Him- no matter how often I question His ways. He is all we need!

To Daddy- all the way from Heaven~

Dear Daddy,
I know it seems like forever since we last hugged like this, but I want you to know that you're still the love of my heart. I love how you have found ways to smile in life, even though I'm gone, and that you have danced with my sisters, Wyndham, Bella and Ava many times since I left you. I love that you have made Brock laugh and Mommy too. They have needed you so many times and you have always been there for them.
I love how you have cried and hurt for me, but found ways to remember all the good times we shared. I have seen how hard you have worked to make sure that there have been lots of good times for the rest of the family- even when it has been difficult to do. You are my hero, forever and always.
I hope you know that I don't miss you a minute while I'm here in Heaven, but I can't wait for you to get here...someday! Make sure you love on the new baby that God is sending you soon. I helped pick him out for you, so I already know he's going to fit in perfectly! Tell Mommy hi and give her and everyone else a big squeeze for me.
I hope you have a really great Father's Day!
Love, Your Angel in Heaven~ Teagan

Maybe it is cliche, but I have to admit...

I think I got the world's greatest dad. This post is my tribute to him as we head into Father's Day this weekend.

Really, as I sit here and browse through hundreds of pictures, many of which have my dad in them or remind me of him, I can literally feel my heart burst with blessing. And that's only going back in photos to 2007! I did nothing in my life to deserve a dad as wonderful as he, and I am humbled and grateful for him- more than he knows.

Growing up I had no clue how great he really was. He was a dairy farmer turned pastor/minister very early in my life and it's only now, as an adult, that I appreciate that God placed him in my life and I was able to grow up with his amazing example of love, dedication, leadership, and servanthood all wrapped in one. I know that many people in this world have broken relationships with their fathers, or non-existent relationships with their fathers, and many do not even know who their father is. My heart hurts for those people- maybe you are one of them, and yet I know that God can use even these 'broken relationships' to draw you into a closer relationship with Him. God is my Heavenly Father, but I am lucky that on earth He gave me a Dad whose heart seeks after Him. The two together are more than I deserve. As I said, it's humbling.

That's why I'm having a hard time trying to decide what to put into print here. I could write a book on my dad alone, and still it wouldn't be enough to put the impact he's had in my life into perspective.

I first posted a picture of cereal with berries, because not only is it one of my favorite meals this time of year, but it is probably the one food that reminds me most of my dad. He has a routine of eating a big bowl for breakfast and many times he has a bowl before bedtime too. He loves fresh fruits and vegetables and so anytime I throw a handful of berries on my cereal, I can't help but think of my dad. He has always been a man who loves 'the earth and growing things'...and although he left a life of farming, it has always stayed in his blood. We were fortunate to have big gardens and fresh produce and flowers in and around our home all the years I was growing up. My dad has grown 'healthy' in his eating habits, especially in the past 10 years- not that eating big, hearty meals was ever a bad thing in his past, but he has modified his diet to maximize his health and well-being and it makes me proud that he cares so much about himself that he would give up red meat many times and opt for something low-fat/high fiber. He still loves a good steak and mashed potatoes and a homemade pie for dessert...he just has gotten very good about being balanced, and that's not always an easy thing to do in our society.

Beyond his eating habits {sorry, Dad, if I am sharing too much of you with my blog readers} he has so many other gifts and character qualities that make me love and respect him. I love that his whole life he has been a 'family guy'. Again, in our society, it's not always the most macho thing to be, and yet he has more reasons to be respected than many 'guys' I have met and known in my life. I am thankful for the example he has been in every situation- whether it is being home at dinner to eat meals, keeping up his home and property and caring for other peoples' property, or for the many times he has read the Bible and prayed next to the bedside of someone who is sick or even dying, including his own granddaughter, Teagan. I have watched him hold back tears when he has had to be strong, and at that same instance I have known his heart is breaking. That to me speaks volumes and he doesn't need a Harley bike to prove to me he is a man- through and through. Although....he would look great on a Harley and I have seen him on a motorcycle, and I mean no offense to any guys out there who do ride. I think it's awesome. I just am trying to say that my dad has this amazing thing about him where he has the most gentle spirit, yet the strength he needs to face hardships in life is equally evident. I've never seen him fold under pressure, but I have seen Him cry out to God for strength. That to me is a special gift.

So he loves his family, he loves his kids and grandkids and extended relatives. He shows he love in many ways, and one of the greatest things I can say about my dad is that I can't ever recall a time that he has ever said anything to tear down my mom. His love for her is deeper and wider than he probably ever thought it could be, and all the years I have seen them love together, work together, hurt together and serve together, I have yet to see him say or do anything negative to my mom. I love that his example of loving his wife is practically flawless. He might have a few regrets over the many years together, but he has never shown in front of others, anything other than love and respect to her. It makes me love him more- for that reason alone. I think my mom would jump in here and tell you that she thinks she's pretty lucky to have him at her side, and I know for a fact she wouldn't trade him for anything!

I've covered food, family, strength and love for God and his wife...and yet there is so much more. My dad has been the one on my life who I can turn to for questions and advice about money, about discipline, about God's purpose and will in my life, about cars and about carpet. I can ask him anything and know that he is going to give me a solid answer, or I can expect him to be honest and tell me that he doesn't know- but he will pray about whatever concern I hand him. He has answered phonecalls with me in tears in the middle of the day and night. He has dropped everything for my needs at times- without a second thought.

All that and I still can remember some of the 'little stuff' too. The time he took me out pheasant hunting- even though he knew I wasn't going to shoot a thing. Or the many times he let me pick out a "free puppy" and bring it home- knowing he'd be doing much of the care for our new pet. I think of the times he had to discipline me or say 'no'- knowing I wouldn't like what he said/did and yet he did it because it was best for me. I think of all the times he drove me to work or school- and had the car all warmed up and waiting- even if it was 10 below zero in the middle of a Minnesota snowstorm. I think of all the accomplishments- with dairy cows and with his Bible schooling that he has shared with me and been excited about. From the MN State Fair to church and lots of things in between, he has shared his heart with me and many others. Today, my own heart wells up with love and find memories for my dad and who he is in my life.

I don't deserve him, but I thank God for placing me in his care and I can never say enough about how much love and respect I have for my dad.

Those last few pictures are some of my favorites from last summer when I spent three weeks with my dad (and other family in MN) and all my kids messed up my parents' home as we made ourselves at home with them. I love that we share life together simply- we make homemade icecream and sing songs and choruses together. We go to the zoo and the park and run errands and visit other family. We basically just love being together- knowing that the time is short, so we should just soak it all in. When I see the pictures here of him with Ava, that's exactly what I see. Now my dad would say his hair looks terrible in these pictures- the humidity and wind were both kicked into high that afternoon. But what I see in these pictures, is a dad- a grandpa, who knows that his love for God and family and his love for nature and enjoying life is not something to be taken for granted. He appreciates these simple moments. Watching him wrap one arm around Ava and use the other arm to teeter-totter two other grandkids is just a beautiful metaphor to me- he is a picture of strength and love and balance that I could only hope others get a taste of at times in their lives too. He didn't have a care in the world when I snapped these pictures- or if he did, he didn't let it show.

I want to wish my dad and all the other amazing dads out there a Happy Father's Day weekend. And to those who of you who are reading who can't relate to a single thing I've written about my dad, my heart hurts for you, but at the same time, I know you can cry out to God as Father, and He is more than able and willing to meet every need of your heart. More than my dad has in my life.

I am doubly blessed; I am thankful for my Dad and for God in my life.

Today and always.

I love you, Dad!