Compensating.

Sometimes that's the best way in life...making up for wrongs with good things in life has become one of my specialties ever since Teagan's death in July 2001. I am beginning to recognize that the month of July- simply because it's July, the very month that marks the annivesary of so much change in life for my family- is a 'trigger' for me. A trigger of memories, and of raw emotions, and thoughts of 'I wonder' or 'what if'. There is nothing I can change, and I understand that full well. There is nothing I could have done differently, and I accept that too. There is no reason to believe I am regressing or having issues of denial about life and circumstances at this point. It's just my feelings and they are very real.
I've been accused of 'not sharing the bad stuff' of life often enough here at my blog. And although I am not writing this to defend or explain my behavior, I just have to spill it here. Just to get it out. Because that's how I deal best with emotions and stuff that starts to well up inside. I also compensate. A lot.
Maybe it's not the best way of dealing with things, but I have found- that for nearly 6 years now- it yields the 'best results'. Happiness and joy. And I have been on a journey of finding that and embracing that as much as I can- however that may be.
The past couple of days I have just had a 'sense of sadness' inside. There used to be days where things didn't even seem real to me...it was like I was living in a bad dream. Then once the reality began to sink it, there was a lot of anger, bitterness and hurt. I hated that part of my journey of grief most of all. It hurt me and others and just made life miserable. I thank God all the time that He pulled me up and out of that. He used people in my life praying and doing whatever they could do share the burdens that were so suddenly thrust upon Chip and me. God gave me words of comfort from the Bible....and Hope of Heaven for all eternity. He gave Chip and me peace...and there is no way we could have done that in life on our own.
But in the meantime, I have to admit, there still are days where, even if the sun is shining and everything looks so well on the outside, inside there are grey skies and teardrops. These sorts of days are the ones in which I have learned I need to compensate...and seek Joy even more than usual.
Sunday I needed something...and didn't even have the strength to 'create that joy' in my own kitchen like I often like to do. But I still managed to 'create joy' in the form of store-bought chocolate drizzled cupcakes. We grilled out on our deck and had cupcakes (Brock was at a friend's house) and I just tried to savor the moments. I recognize and know that I am so blessed in life. The smiles and grins on my girls can lift my mood no matter how far I allow myself to sink...and it was no different this time around.
Yesterday there wasn't anything 'big'. But when I strung lots of little stuff through my day, I felt like I had accomplished much by bedtime. There was a short trip to the park after I left Wyndham at therapy. Brock, Bella and Ava had fun- climbing, swinging, sliding, getting sand in their shoes. You should have heard the four of us laugh as I spun us as fast as I could make the merry-go-round go. After picking Wyndham up, there was time for riding trikes, blowing bubbles and just playing outside. We topped the day off with caramel chocolate-covered pretzel icecream cones. Bella says it's her new favorite flavor. =)
Still, there was just this feeling that lingers. It was late. Late last night. I knew I wouldn't sleep well- even if I tried. So I shared a small piece of my soul with my new group of best friend SISters on our message board. I cried while I typed it out...but knew that those tears had to fall or they would eat me up inside.
Today was a new day. Some of that feeling was there first thing when I awoke...but was soon tempered by the hugs and smiles of all my kids. I just love all the kisses I get/give in the morning. It's probably my favorite part of the day. Still, there was another trip to therapy for Wyndham, and that was just another reminder of how my life continues to be affected by events that happened several years ago now.
When I came back home from picking her up, there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting at my doorstep. From one of my Fashionista sisters {Thanks, KL...your thoughtfulness has touched me deeply through this gesture of care}, who simply responded to my words. My tears. My pain made her do something beautiful for me. It's so unexpected....the goodness and beauty and joy, that comes from the depths of hurt and pain. Yet I have seen it and been on the receiving end of it too many times to deny that it exists.
True beauty and joy and goodness is out there. Just waiting to be shared or given or unveiled...or sometimes bought- as in the case of some chocolate-drizzled cupcakes. I don't know that I deserve to be on this side of it as often as it comes my way. But I know that it is real...and I know that everyone in life deserves this sort of thing. Even if you are simply trying to compensate for pain.