The moments that matter most.

Wow. So many thoughts and emotions going on in my heart and mind today, that I just need to put them down somewhere. This is my outlet~ my mother's heart that has never stopped beating even when this world broke it in two.
This note flows out of that brokenness. It flows from the place in me where I can still 'see, feel and recall' the brokenness in such detail all these years later. It flows from the heartache an empathy I am feeling for the families in Newtown, CT who are re-living their pain and nightmare on this anniversary eve of the loss of their own little ones. It is spilling out from the goosebumps I got as I read the text from a dear friend who is headed to the ICU to quite possibly say her final goodbye to a special little girl even as I type this out.
Life is cruel and cold at times, and my own experiences have softened me toward other broken hearts in this world. When I hear of other hurting hearts, my own heart remembers a time and details that have yet to fade year after year. 
The details of Teagan's final days and moments are etched on my heart and mind forever. The littlest moments were elevated to some of my most precious memories in light of her loss. It is those moments that matter most. The moments that we all have with our loved ones every single day. But for some reason, we don't hardly recognize their greatness or worth. Often times we even get annoyed by them, or frustrated and worn down. By their timing, and their frequency- by their 'mundaneness' among all the long to-do list we all have every day. These moments are the ones I cherish the most. Yet I STILL take them or granted far too often, even after learning the lesson of their value and worth having been schooled by sudden loss, heartache and grief. 
They are moments we all have with the people around us. We sit down at a meal and eat together. Do we listen and laugh? Do we care about the smallest accomplishments our children or spouses have made that day? Do we see how sweet their tired eyes are as they wake to another day...another good morning hug...another bowl of Frosted Flakes? Do we have any idea how special it is that we can hug them and hold them in our arms? Do we study the color of their eyes? Do we tell them how much we love them- even if we are all running late and we can't find the cellphone or keys? 
I can remember sharing the last bowl of tapioca with Teagan on the night before our incident. She was delighted over a bowl of warm tapioca. She and I sat at her small table and talked about how much we both loved real whipped cream. The earth didn't shake. The mountains didn't tremble. But it was a moment I will never forget. There was love and innocence in that time and place. There were dreams to be chased and more dancing to do when we were done! There was no reason to believe that moments like this weren't going to last forever. Hours later I would wake her up from her cozy night of sleep and help her get dressed and brush her hair and tie a ribbon in it one last time. The details were about to change. Forever.
Some days I mess it all up. I hurt from missing Teagan. I hurt because I miss the sound of her voice- her joy and delight over the littlest things. Sometimes I miss her so much that the people around me wonder what they did to make me mad. They wonder what they could do different to make me smile. Some days I wake up so sure that it must have been a dream, but it's real every day. Some days the strength comes and my heart and eyes re-open to beauty, happiness and joy. I am reminded of the details that I cling to and they make me want to love more, live more and try to be better- even with a broken heart.
I write this as I sit at the little table where Teagan and I shared countless meals and that last bowl of tapioca. I haven't ever been able to part with it {plus all the other kids have used it countless times too for the very things Teagan loved and used it for- playing Playdough, coloring pages, eating meals and snacks and hosting tea parties at it too} and I love being able to have a tangible remembrance of those special times spent with her. I am thankful for all the new memories made at this table, and I am grateful that broken hearts heal little by little. I am reminded again as I my heart weighs heavy for others facing grief and sorrow and heartbreak this Christmastime, that each and every moment is a gift. Every detail a blessing. The smallest moments blur together and get lost even more so this time of year. But if even for a moment we open our eyes to them and see their true worth, we will hold a priceless treasure in our hearts forever.

The day that Daddy came back.

 

It's 3:47am. I am blogging. That means a couple of things are going on. One is that I am awake and my mind is spinning. The other thing is that the house is quiet and calm because everyone else is sleeping. I guess this is the only time I have available to blog in my life as there is never a dull moment in my day. This also explains the lack of posts. I am usually asleep at this time of the night. I already know I am going to regret being up right now and doing this, even in just 4 hours or so. But I am here for now. So I will squeeze in as much as I can- even though the past few weeks in the life of the Ferlaaks deserves it's own book. It's been that wild and crazy!
But even a tad fun.
And a whole lot of amazing.
And that is why my head is spinning and I am here typing.
Sometimes life gets going. Going in a certain direction. Other times it just stands still. And it drags. Or just is. Still at other times life starts moving, and I can tell something is up. I might not always know why or what or how come, but there's a feeling that something is going on.
That is what I write of today.

To do so, I need to finish a blogpost that I started a couple of weeks ago, and never got around to finishing, much less posting. It was a typical summer morning. Chip got up, showered and was saying his goodbyes for the day. The kids aren't always awake. At least not all of them. And sometimes some are eating breakfast and playing on the iPads and Chip and I have yet to get up. We're all over the place with our schedule in the summer. We like late nights {not normally as late as the one I am having right now!} and long mornings. We have very little on our agendas. Except to say goodbye and give Daddy hugs and kisses before he leaves for work.
This particular morning Chip was saying his goodbyes and as he did I could just begin to hear Teague start to fuss in his bedroom. He still sleeps in a crib {he just turned 3 and we love that he loves his crib and stays put in there!} and so someone has to come and get him out each morning. He got a bit louder just as Chip was putting his hand on the doorknob to leave, and I looked at Chip and said, "Go now so Teague won't have a meltdown saying goodbye". That's what Teague does.
He loves his daddy. He loves his dad a whole lot. With Chip's long hours at work in the summer, sometimes we don't see him a whole lot. So when Chip leaves, Teague cries. And throws a fit on the front step. Then Chip leaves and feels guilty. And I am left with a little guy doing limp body and fussing in the front step for several minutes some mornings. It makes me want to drink more coffee. That's what was ahead of us if Chip stuck around while I got Teague up, so instead Chip quickly left, and I went to go get Teague out of his bed. He started to fuss louder when I got him out. I gave him some morning hugs and kisses. But he just put on his best pouty face and started crying. "Do you want some orange juice, Teague?" "Do you want your little lamby and yellow blankie?" I started asking questions. "Calm down, mister...it's morning time and we get to have a fun day!" This is what I was saying to him as his crying started to get louder and louder. The other kids had joined my question party by this time and they were all using their "happy voices" wishing him a good morning and offering kisses and other ideas like toaster waffles.
Nothing was working.
I just held him for a minute longer. He kept on crying. I asked him to "use your words" and tell Mommy what's wrong. His crying finally got quieter, and he looked right at me and said, "I wanted to give Daddy a kiss."
My heart basically melted.
He had been listening to the other kids say their goodbyes, and he had no way of getting in on the hugs and kisses and send-off. I was happy to finally know that there actually was a "real problem" and my "real solution" was that we could call Daddy on his phone and say good morning and goodbye all at once. I took Teague to the kitchen to get my phone and I told him my plan. I dialed Chip and he answered. Which I typically don't like him to do if he's in a car. "What's up?" he asked. He never knows what to expect when I call him. I don't do it often, but there's always a 50/50 that it's a good or bad thing. I said, "Teague was just waking up when you left and he is so upset that he didn't get to hug you goodbye." I fully expected Chip to say, "Put him on and I'll talk to him for a minute." Instead, Chip said, "I'm on my way home."
I was more than a bit surprised. Chip has a lot on his plate in life and at work these days. Several minutes had gone by since he had left home, so this wasn't just a quick turn around at the end of the block. I set the phone down and Teague just about had another meltdown right then and there. I grabbed his little hand and said, "come outside on the front step...Mommy wants you to get a surprise!" Kids love surprises, but not so much when they are just coming off of a meltdown and the drama of crying for the first several minutes of their day.
We sat on the front step. Brock joined us. We looked at the sky. We listened to a couple of birds. We saw the grass. And flowers. It must have felt to Teague as though I was the biggest phony surprise thrower of all time. At one point I finally told him to be quiet and listen. I could hear Chip's car coming down the street. Teague was on my lap on the front step clueless that his morning wish was about to come true!
I think Teague was about to start crying all over again when I told him to look down the street as far as he could to see if he could see anything. Brock was starting to grin at this point. And a few seconds later Chip's vehicle pulled back into our driveway. "Daddy's home!! Daddy came back! It's Daddy!"

Teague was so excited. I am getting a knot in my throat right now even as I type it out, because it was a truly magical moment. My little clueless, upset two-year old {at that time} suddenly had his whole morning turned around. His little heartbroken request that he had finally spilled out to me when "he used his words" hadn't just been a cry of hurt and disgust that fell on deaf ears. Instead, his cry had been heard, and more than loud and clear, his heartbreak at not being able to say goodbye and give a hug had turned to complete and utter joy at the surprise return from Chip coming back to more than meet his need.
I actually caught part of the whole scene on one of our iPad cameras. I snapped the picture in this post of Teague and Daddy together for that brief couple of moments that morning too, and those smiles are the real deal! Teague's fussing was so quickly forgotten and his tiny arms wrapped so tight around his dad and the 'drama' of our morning up to that point all melted into a beautiful embrace. I was so happy for Teague.
I was so proud of Chip and my heart melted at just how big his heart is at times too. He chose to come home, when a simple hello on the phone would have salvaged a part of Teague's hurt. He went beyond what he needed to do and it blew me and Teague away. The whole scene has played over and over in my mind the past few weeks.
It is so late and I am so tired, and there is so much more to this story. The part about how that picture in my mind so parallels what God has been doing in my heart and life too. It's been unfolding for months. Years, I believe.
God has been up to something.
I've been in a place where the only way 'out' {like Teague in his crib} was going to happen when God chose to get me out. I needed my Father to pick me up and open a door. I was kicking and crying, and even though I could have had a toaster waffle or juice or any number of things to bring me happiness, all the while He had a plan to bring me more than that. He has been up to something for awhile now. And I couldn't see it, hear it, or have a clue what it was. Just as Teague had no clue Chip was already on his way home with a big hug and kiss waiting for him on arrival.
He could have settled for a quick phonecall and chat with Daddy. But Chip had a better idea. And even though it temporarily broke Teague's heart for me to not let him talk on the phone, or even tell him that Daddy was coming home, I knew it was going to be a wonderful and even better surprise in the end.
I knew it would be worth Teague's confusion as he waited on a front step without a clue. I knew it would be more than worth it for him to see that Chip drove back home just to see him! I knew it was going to make the tears of the morning literally disappear. His sorrow would be turned to joy, and it was! Teague's whole morning was made!

My heart has been so hurt for a long time for many different reasons. Some days I haven't had a clue as to how life has played out the way it has for us. But for some reason- as reason I still don't know or understand- in the past few weeks too many things have happened that make me literally see God's hand in life's details. It has been wonderful. It has been amazing at times. It has been fun even! My heart has felt happiness in the truest sense of the word. Our house sold. A new one just happened to fall into place for us. At just the right place. At just the perfect time.
Chip and I somehow managed to go out on a date together. It has been more than a year since we have done that. And we didn't just get a date. We took a whole day trip together. And nothing went 'wrong' the whole day. In spite of the downpour we got stuck in as we walked from Navy Pier in Chicago to Millenium Park. We laughed together. We enjoyed each other. We had actual conversations. About things other than kids or work. There has been so much going on in the past few weeks that my head is still spinning and we still have a move ahead of us this coming Tuesday. I should be overwhelmed. I should be freaking out. I should be asking myself how on earth is everything going to get done that needs to get done?!
Instead I am blogging. I am doing something I rarely get a chance to do anymore. I needed to write. I needed to come here and tell the world that God is amazing. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him or have a clue if He is even listening to our fussing and cries. I want to assure myself and whomever else reads here that He is. He is real. He gives life to dry bones. He longs to do good things in the hearts and lives of those who love Him. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is good and kind and fun even! He is a God who listens, who loves, who makes time for us, who knows better than we know ourselves just how to fill our lives with goodness and joy.
I don't know if Teague even remembers the day that Daddy came back. But one day, maybe one day when all the world has let him down or life is threatening to steal his joy, I want to remind him of this story. That really happened. That was so beautiful and pure and true that it will hopefully stir in his heart a little something that makes him want to be a better person and believe in goodness and Love again.
I have sometimes wondered. I have doubted far too many times in my life.
I am ashamed because I have known since I was about Teague's size that I love a God who is bigger and more powerful than any mind can comprehend. Yet still my trust has worn thin at times and I have wondered if my prayers have even been heard.
He has heard every one. He has a plan to meet every need. His plans are good. His ways are higher. I am humbled and honored to give all my praise to Jesus, my Lord. I don't know what lies just ahead in this next adventure in life. I am just so thankful that I never need to doubt or wonder if God is real. He is. And He is so Good. He is so Good to me.

Kindness is a wonderful lesson to teach.

 

My boys aren't naturally kind. Not to me. Not to their dad. Not to their siblings. Sometimes not even to themselves. These guys look so cute and innocent. Some days they wake up all snuggly and sweet and within seconds their moods change and it is all down-hill from there. To be fair, my other kids aren't naturally kind all the time either, but they are several years older, wiser and mellower when it comes to being nice. Being kind to others is something we are all working on every day at my house. It is like a never-ending life lesson, that sadly, as we see and hear in the news, isn't necessarily taught or lived out in our world around us as often as it should and could be. On any given day we all have opportunities to be kind or to respond in kind ways. Even if we don't feel like it, or of we have to create those opportunities up all on our own.

These two little guys, Teague and Crew, are at that age {2 and 4} where they are still growing and learning and soaking in way more than we think they are at times. Today they got a lesson in kindness and hopefully it is just one of many that they see and soak in and hopefully put into practice all their own in the years to come.

This little lesson in kindness started back a couple of weeks ago when Chip and I took a quick walk one night. We waved to a neighbor out in his front yard and Chip nodded to him and offered a word of sympathy in the recent death of his wife. He walked over toward us and shared a thank-you to us for acknowledging his sorrow and recent unexpected grief. He went on to tell us how hard it was to live alone now, as the two of them had shared many years of marriage and had their daily routines down- which added to the obvious void in his 'new' daily life. I extended my condolences as well, and asked if he likes home-baked goods as I do lots of baking in the summer. He smiled and said, 'yes, my wife made a wonderful banana bread and she put pineapple in hers". That simple statement was immediately tucked into my notes in my head and at one of my trips to the grocery store last week I intentionally stopped by the canned pineapple aisle and picked one up knowing it might be just the tiny unexpected bit of kindness that our neighbor man might need in his time of grief.

We have walked and ridden bike by his home several more times in the past few days, and we have exchanged waves, but that has been it. With the anniversary of our own tragedy just days from now, my heart is always more heightened to the beauty of everyday, ordinary life...but with that reality of how precious these very days are. So with all of that in my heart and mind, I browsed Pinterest and looked up some of "the best banana-pineapple bread" recipes until I felt confident I had one that was a 'sure thing'. Next, I pulled out some very ripe bananas and that can of pineapple I had bought for just the right bread and I got to baking. Here is the recipe I used- minus the coconut since someone ate the rest of it in the bag I thought I still had left. It was delicious anyway.

I told the kids the story. I told them how our neighbor misses his wife every day. I told them how it is so easy to be kind, but sometimes you have to listen closely to find out ways you can show your kindness and that sometimes just doing something at all is still a nice thing to do. I told them how I had bought pineapple and tried a new recipe just because it would show how much we listened and cared that much more. They tried out the muffin version of the bread, and a couple of my kids declared it "the best bread ever".

Our next task was to deliver the bread to our neighbor. The kids were all so excited to be a part of "showing kindness". They nearly fought over who would get to carry the bread. In the end, I carried the bread and they rode bikes, trikes and scooters. =) We walked down to the end of the block- the bread was still warm. But unfortunately our neighbor wasn't home at the time. So we brought the bread back and wrapped it up and the kids went on 'look-out' a few times until they spotted his garage door up and they excitement started all over again. 'Mom, he's home now!"

They were so anxious to deliver the little loaf of bread. This time he answered the door and even gave hugs to us for being so thoughtful. I told him how I had to look up a recipe and that I was sure it wasn't even close to how good a bread his wife used to make, but that we had been inspired by her and were happy to try a new recipe. He had that look in his eyes that I know from my own experience. That look where outside you are beaming, but inside it is a ball of emotions because the tug at your heart from the memory and missing of your loved one is so strong. I was happy to be able to tug at that heartstring, because honestly, anyone who is a friend of grief knows how special it is to be reminded at any time in life just how special their loved one still is.

I am a lousy mom far too many times in life. I am not a teacher by nature. I am not all that patient; I am still learning lessons that I feel unqualified to pass on too! But, I can tell you that teaching a lesson in kindness is a win-win-win for everyone involved. I was blessed by being a blessing. Watching my kids get excited to share and be kind and thoughtful renewed my belief in the goodness of little hearts. They DO want to love and be loved and niceness isn't just something to do because it's politically correct. I was blessed in the return hug I was given out of a simple gesture of sharing a little loaf of bread. The neighbor man didn't even need to taste the bread and I could tell it had meant so much to him even so. He blessed my kids by his kind words of thanks. I hope we blessed the memory of his wife as we tried to replicate a favorite recipe.

But above all, I hope that the kindness we shared will be a lesson that my kids and I want to repeat over and over again. It is the kind of life lesson that just gets sweeter and better the more you do it. That is a lesson I hope we never forget.

Hello Summertime!

As of yesterday at just before noon, our family is officially on summer vacation! The kids all did SO GREAT in their studies and growth this year. I am proud of each of them. Lots of hard work to get on those A/B honor rolls, but they are proud of their efforts too and hopefully we will find lots of simple ways to enjoy the next 3 months of downtime and break from structured routines. There was a lot of happiness as we collected their last few items from their classrooms, hugged friends goodbye and headed home to start the more relaxed, lazy days of summer.
I love waking up whenever we get up and going, not rushing around making lunches and changing diapers and buttering toast all practically at once. It gets overwhelming so many days in a row with the kids at their different ages and stages. So this mom of 6 kiddos at home is happy to take a breather.
We already went to Chip's workplace- which besides a lovely golf course and clubhouse, happens to have a great pool/kiddie pool and hot tub as well. We are looking forward to turning our kids into little fish for the summer. They have enjoyed their first night poolside and if the summer weather cooperates, I foresee lots more memories made at the pool for sure! I am so glad that I got back into scrapbooking last year, and with the recent Cocoa Daisy Candy Shoppe kit and the Project Life stuff that I have added to my collection of cute papers and embellishments, I am excited to scrap lots of happy memories and summertime events the next few months too! Cocoa Daisy has such a great variety of items in their kits each month. I always have way more than I need and it is a fun thing for me to do and share with my kids too. So we'll be cutting and gluing and stamping, in addition to swimming and splashing this summer too! We will miss being so close to family and friends and all the fun things we did with them last summer. But hopefully we will find ways to stay busy and not think too much about what we're missing.
What do you love about summer? What are your plans for making the most of the months that fly by so quickly? I still miss all the fun and excitement that Teagan had when it came to the fresh air, outdoors, flowers and chasing butterflies. She is always in my heart and mind and I am thankful that I enjoyed so many special moments with her while she was here on earth. Happy summer to all of you!

Where do the days go sometimes?!

It's so hard to believe that three weeks flies by so quickly at times in between blog posts. There has been lots of wet, chilly spring days during the past 3 weeks, but at the same time, there has been a lot of activity going on too. These photos are all snippets of that.
There is almost always scrapping going on around here. It is still my fun and pleasure and definitely breaks up my monotonous days of waking kids and making lunches, doing laundry, changing diapers and all the other tasks that stay-at-home moms do around the house all day long. I am very excited about Cocoa Daisy's June kit~ Candy Shoppe, which will be revealed tomorrow night at 9est. It is always fun to see what all my other design teammates create using the same stuff I get too! This month I even found a way to scrap some nature onto a page. We are trying hard to grow a new lawn and had it seeded- only to have a week of downpours and rain. Our poor baby grass! But it will hopefully start to fill in and it will get another seeding again soon.
I also got to be the guest designer for Webster's Pages new Plum Seed line. I have been doing more of the Project Life-style pages, but not scrapping chronologically or daily/weekly pages. Instead I just scrap using all the cute pieces that work so well in the plastic sleeves. There are so many great new products just for this type of page. I love that! Cocoa Daisy has monthly Day in the Life kits that you can get as a subscription now too. It is a fun way to use your scraps differently and my album is starting to fill up quickly this way!
The kids have their last 4 days of school this week. It has dragged for part of the year with the stress of a move in the middle of the school year. But in a way it has also flown by and it is hard to believe I will have a kid in high school so soon! It has been a year of lots of changes and growth in all our family. The girls just wrapped up the Girls-on-the-run program last week and ran a 5k early on a Saturday morning with Chip. They were all so proud when they got home to tell me that they ran it in about 33 minutes and especially proud that Bella- who had not wanted to even go to the event- ran the whole thing and beat her fastest time by far! We are hoping to get in better shape and have a healthy active summer as a family. One way we plan to do that is by visiting the golf club swimming pool as often as we can. None of the kids are all that great at swimming, so hopefully being in and around the water so much and getting some private lessons will change that in a hurry too. In one of the photos posted today they are all hanging out in Chip's office. I think they would all live at the golf club if they had that option. They must think all Chip does is have fun there! He does work hard, but they see the games and the fun and food and to them their Dad has a pretty great job. We are very thankful for his job and hope the summer is a great success at the club! I'll still make sure to find some time to scrap. And if I am really lucky and motivated, I plan to get back on my bike several times a week too. As long as the rain isn't pouring. =)

Enjoying the view.

Last Saturday night Chip came home from working all day at the golf course and announced that we were going to do something fun as a family. We quickly changed diapers or clothes and whatever else needed to be done to get ready and then it was out for pizza at our local favorite spot, Fricanos, and then a stop at another local favorite place, Dairy Treat. It was the most goregous night out as far as spring weather is concerned. A light breeze, no bugs, beautiful setting sun and boats and people watching for as long as we cared to sit on the waterfront.
I am struggling to still find a purpose for us having to move back here to Michigan. But I am trying to enjoy the view while we are here. It is pretty amazing at times.
And now...the winner of the previous blog hop/prize pack is: Katy Young. Please send me your mailing address at nitty.grittyjodyatyahoodotcom and I'll get your goods in the mail! Thanks for all the nice comments left. I hope you all had fun seeing all the different bags and maybe got inspired to do some crafting of your own. Here's to some more spectacular views in life too- wherever you may be!

Sometimes you gotta wear your flair.

I am caught up on laundry for a quick moment. For real!
My house is fairly tidy too, as we had a guy come and take measurements for some caret that we are getting replaced. Funny how I can clean the house for some random guy that comes over for a mantter of minutes. ButI can totally let it go and live in it with clutter here and there for days- with the people I love most in this world. Something seems amiss about that. And I was convicted of that thought even as I put things away earlier today. So I am going to make that my personal challenge when it comes to cleaning. Instead of letting things go I will hopefully tell myself, "No...do it! Do it for the people you love, right now!"
And maybe, just maybe they will want to do a bit f tidying to show their love for me right back. This could be a win-win!
Speaking of win... Chris Cross who likes aqua, gey and yellow, email me your address and I will send you a little book and scraps. Yay for happy mail! {nitty.grittyjody at yahoo.com}
I have to share one more story that goes with the photos here today. All this talk of flair reminded me of when I used towork at TGIFriday's many years ago. We were required to wear at least "10 pieces of flair" and I never could part with my uniform and all that flair. So when I mentioned my boring Friday nights {because Chip works late and I am stuck home with 6 kids every Friday} on a Facebook update, I joked that I could make the night fun by wearing my old uniform. Well, one thing led to another- as it sometimes does on FB- and I found myself cooking noodles while sporting my stripes and flair. The kids got such a kick out of seeing me in my old outfit. A couple of them were surprised that I had ever actually "worked" before- "you had a real job once, Mom?!". It was like I was a Disney character and they even wanted their picture with me. hee hee
Yes, it was fun and humbling all in one. But it made our boring night a bit moe exciting and reminded me of my own advice that I don't take often enough which is "Sometimes you have to create your own Joy". We played some games, had popcorn and watched Ice Age and turned our hum-drum Friday into one that made a memory. Hopefully I can follow this act coming up this Friday. Or maybe I will just have to wear my stripes and flair each week! Although I wonder when the fun would wear off.  =) I was just happy that my skirt still fit! And now I have an excuse for why I save the crazy things I do. They are joy-makers. That's why!

So much more than Sketchbook~

These are just a few of the things I crafted using the latest kit from Cocoa Daisy. It's called Sketchbook and it is full of beautiful patterned papers and ribbon and fun alphabet stickers and a whole lot more! I received the tiny deer from a friend not long ago, and when I saw the colors in this kit it just seemed so fresh and spring-like, so I put the fawn in a little card box I had laying around since Christmas, and it turned into a cute little home for him. I have it sitting on my desk right now and it just makes me happy. SO that is a very good thing!
Another project I made is partially done. It's actually a work in progress, which I am excited about gradually filling in! the concept behind this tiny, embellished notebook is that each day I am writing down at least one "good thing" that happened, or that I did right, or that someone else did right at some point. I am hoping that seeing the good things fill up this book will serve as a tangible reminder that life does indeed hold many blessings and even though sometimes they don't jump out at us, it is always a good idea to take note of them. It certainly can't hurt to focus on the positive. Even if it is only one day at a time. We will get there. And in the process there will be lots of little things to note along the way.
Today, for instance, I am home again while Chip works late tonight. I am unable to get out or do anything with my kids, so we are in for another Friday night. But I put some lipstick on today. Just because. I listened to my kids laugh and play together. I got another to take a much-needed nap. And to top it off, we just might have popcorn and a movie on the dvr. It's nothing really. But when you look at it as another night in a warm house where nobody is sick and grateful just because we have a Dad who works, it's pretty great. So that's the deal with this little book. It's time to spin the focus and see that things could always be worse. We've learned that lesson already. Now it's time to find a reason to be happy. Hopefully I'll find them. One day at a time.

Learn new things.

It's February and I am sitting at home with three kids on this Friday, while the other three are at school learning new things. It's wintery and snowy outside, and I was out for a bit shoveling a small snowbank away from our mailbox in hopes that the mail carrier will actually stop at our box today. When I came in, I was chilled, of course. But after a quick warm-up it seems to be the perfect kind of day to learn something new myself.

As I think about all that has happened in the span of a year in my life, it is exhausting and certainly had its crazy parts. When I think of the demands I have on me each day, simply as a wife and mother of 6 kids with lots of needs, it can tire me out too. Top it off with a heart that has yet to embrace living where we do and feeling a lack of purpose to it all, and well, it just seems even more important and maybe even necessary for me to try new things. It is the idea of my word, soar, that helps push me to want more out of life too.

I have fought to find purpose and meaning in life for years and years now. And although I turned 40 and that in itself should indicate I should know what I am here for by now, it is still something I am seeking after all these years.

So in the quiet, and in the wait, and in this in between time where I find myself asking again, 'what am I doing and why', it is nice to give myself the space to just be still. And learn new things. Like crochet. I am thankful for my dear friend who literally helped 'hook me up' with this new venture. I am thankul for friends who care about me during the not-so-exciting times of my life. I am grateful that there are ebbs and flows in life that give us hope that there is something in the works yet to come. Today I wait, wonder, and yarn over and let my thoughts turn to what it is. I love quiet days...filled with Hope.

I can't help but love it. Sometimes.

Friday I washed four loads of laundry. I don't have a laundry room, so my laundry baskets get brought up to the top of their stairs and this is the sight you would see if you rang my doorbell and I opened it up to say hello. My task on Saturday {while Chip hosted 80 people throughout the day out golfing on his new course!He has a job again. We are thankful.} was to fold and put this laundry away. I managed to get three of the four put away. As well as wash 3 more loads.
Between towels and bedding and just daily dirty clothes, there is literally never a time when I don't have piles of clean or dirty laundry sitting around somewhere at our house. It is one of those things that actually drives me crazy at the same time I love and appreciate it so much. I DO love clean, fresh folded laundry way moreso than piles of dirty stuff. But when I fold it and it piles up and I throw yet another load into my wash machine I find myself still thanking God that I get to be the mom to do this thankless job. I even pray for and am thankful for my kids and Chip who wear and dirty the clothes and towels and sheets. I think back so many times to the day I first did a load of laundry- it was several weeks after Teagan had died and I was "happy" to be getting back to doing a normal chore again. I had spent a few weeks with Wyndham and Chip in ICU, and even then when we came home from Hurley I was in a wheelchair and unable to go downstairs to do the laundry. So when that day finally came that I could do something so ordinary and something I had done over and over, I was unprepared at how different it was to wash, dry and fold clothes with Teagan's clothes not in the mix. It rocked my already grief-stricken world and I it is one of the "cries" and memories that has struck me so many times since then throughout the years. I was totally unprepared for the "missing" of her in something so routine. It made me realize how much I had taken for granted. It made me realize how much she was and always would be a part of my life. It made me realize how lucky I was to still have Chip, Brock and Wyndham and my physical abilities back to even try to resume our "normal" life once again.
My heart had ached at the loss of Teagan and all our bodies, hearts and minds were healing from. But I never knew doing laundry that day would change my persective on so many levels. I have been buried in laundry every year since then with the addition of more babies and with the growing that everyone has done through the years. But when I see baskets of laundry, on my very worst days, I still see something to give thanks for. I am ever grateful for the baskets that overflow. It reminds me of how many people I have to love and care for inmy home. It reminds me of how blessed we are to have so many things- clean water and soap to wash with, clothes to wear, closet space to put it all away- when I get around to doing that. I don't always love a lot of things in my life. But I am always trying to be better at even loving the parts that aren't always so lovable.
My word for this year is "soar". I want to soar and appreciate the stuff that is ever-present and not always so thrilling. To do so gives my heart and mind the push to be thankful for everything. Seeking to love the 'gifts' in life that we don't always think of as gifts is one of the ways I am choosing to look at life. I know I won't always have this many full baskets in my life. So that makes me even more thankful for them now. And that is the kind of thing that makes my heart soar...and makes the laundry less of a chore and turns it into a precious gift. I think it's why I enjoy stocking up on Tide as much as I do too. {Seriously, I usually keep at least 8 jugs on hand...partlt because I buy them on good sales. And also in part because it isn't surprising how much we go through it and I never want to run out!}Oh the joys of life when we just start breaking down the stuff we have and seeing it in new ways. I am not always good at it. But that's part of what makes life a good challenge too.
And now I want to know, is there something in life you can't help but love, even though most other people might think it's not all that great or fun? And what about a word for the year. Do you choose one? Feel free to share. I would love to know what you you are all focusing on for this year. xo

12.12.12

Considering this date doesn't happen again for another hundred years, I figured it was profound enough to take a bit of time out of my busy day and actually write a blog. When I go days or even weeks at a time without even a photo posted, it usually isn't for lack of something to say, but more often than notit means so much is happening that I don't have time to stop and take note of it here at Nitty.Gritty. It also is very likely that I am dealing with stuff, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually that are just hard for me to articulate, or that in fact, I would rather not even be dealing with, so I absolutely don't care to write it down and share it with the world.
I do always promise to keep it real around here- and have been criticized for being too raw even! But the fact is sometimes even I can't write it down and get it out in this format as I trudge through it. So I hold it inside and I am sure there will be lessons learned or great insights to this stuff later on. Sometimes you just have to sit in a place and let it unfold and then looking back it takes on a whole new meaning. I am sitting and waiting for meaning right now.
Now, when I say 'sitting and waiting' you know that isn't literally what I am doing! My to-do list as a mom to 6 kids ages 2 to 13 is never-ending and after having just moved a month ago and throwing in Thanksgiving and now Christmas, well, it is just a phrase I use. I am sitting and waiting in my heart and mind. But I am otherwise busy keeping up with the kids' schedules and events and getting them back into their new-ish routine. There are things that changed and things that stayed the same since we moved a year ago, and it is still a bit of an adjustment getting it all feeling "back to normal".
I have been busy trying to make some cards for Christmas {that's a couple of different ones turning my favorite stamp into a Christmas card/banner} and actually get some in the mail before too long. I love playing with my scraps and glitter and just listening to Christmas music while I think of the people I am writing my cards to. It is a nice way for me to put my heart into something that is such a traditional part of Christmas. The mail! I know that real cards in the mailbox are getting rarer and rarer as technology has connected us more and more in recent years. But to me, instead of seeming like a waste of time, paper and energy, it seems even more important that the art of Christmas cards not get lost. To me it tells the receiver you are indeed as special in my life as I hope you know and this card is a way of saying so. I hope to never get too wrapped up in computers and phones and such that cards aren't a part of Christmas. Last year we had just moved and there was no way I could get cards out to friends. This year feels good for me to be able to do that and to handmake some of my cards is a gift to me as much as it mightbe to anyone else who gets one.
To prove my point and to just have some random holiday fun, I would love for any of you who still read to leave me a comment and just say Merry Christmas, or share your favorite holiday food or Christmas cookie. Tell me a way you are going to make this year special for someone less fortunate than you or where you are heading for Christmas day. Any comment will do, really. I will choose one {or two, if that many of you actually leave a comment...my readers are sparse these days!} and send you a Christmas card and photo. Just make sure to share your email address or come back and check to see if you've won. I will choose the winner by next Thursday {Dec. 20th} which just so happens to be my 40th birthday too! It should be a wild day for me!
I posted a picture of Wyndham and me here because she is just doing so well right now. I always worry a bit more about her as the winter approaches because she has not faired so well through the years when it comes to her weakened immune system and all the viruses and junk that gets passed around everywhere you go. For her, even a cold and flu has far too often turned into a hospital stay. Last year was her first year since she her head injury that she didn't need an ER visit or extended stay for any reason. I am hoping we can make that a tradition too and go for at least two consecutive years! It would be a wonderful thing for her and us as a family. Hospital stays are rough on everyone!
Wyndham is finishing up some evaluations at her rehabilitation center and will be back on a regular schedule again. She so loved her aquatherapy before and the pool was such a motivator for her. She has been much more mobile and even a bit independent in our home sine moving back here. I don't know if she is just more comfortable in the space or what it is exactly, but it is still even a bit shocking for me to look back to the dining table for instance, and see that she has left her spot and is off in another room. After not having gotten up from her spot for over 2 years, it is just surprising to see her do things like that on her own. The fact that she doesn't speak or really make noise is another reason it's unexpected and surprising. She would make a great spy I think. =) Her happiness is something that I never take for granted.
I love the picture of her and I because the truth is it was a bit cold and windy that day out at the beach. She doesn't really like being outdoors in the first place, much less in the cold, wind and blowing sand. I am just so proud of her and the way that she lets us push her sometimes and proud of how she pushes her own self at other times. It's sometimes a tricky dance to do- especially as a mom whose heart is bent on her comfort and ease and happiness moreso than on her growth and overcoming obstacles. She didn't want to take one step onto the state beach for our family pictures that day. We coaxed her as the other kids took off running. Teague and Crew were ahead of all of us, even though they're the youngest and smallest. She made some faces to let us know that she was unsure, uncomfortable and would much rather get back inside the toasty van and watch us all have fun without her. But even as we tried telling her that the sand was okay for her to walk on and that we certainly weren't going to let her lose her footing in it, she held on tightly. She looks to us for a lot of support, and yet we know that it's not always best for her to just sit back and watch life happen around her. The more steps we took, the trickier it got for the first bit of the beach. The sand dunes are tall and the wind was really blowing and the sand was in the air too. It wasn't your typical day at the beach.
She hung in there. We got a blanket out and let her sit down and just get a sense of the space she was in as we gathered the other kids around for an attempt at a family picture. I fully expected her to be in tears as I reached down to straighten the corner of the blanket she was on and the wind snapped it and sand went in her hair and eyes. As I helped brush her off and get her eyes cleared, instead of tears, Wyndham let out a small chuckle. I knew then that she was going to make this experience better than I had expected. She ended up walking a long ways down by the water and she held some items the kids picked up- a stick, some dune grass and all the while I was thinking how amazing it was that she was even here. How many times she pulled through something that was threatening her physically. She has had too many listless days for me to count over the years. I have seen her at her worst and it still comes to my mind in nightmares at times. So to see her beaming in a place where I would never expect her to shine was a really special thing for me to see. I could brag on all my other kids {and maybe I will get some more time to do so!} too, but Wyndham's smiles will always be a bit different and hold a meaning that I feel in my heart better than I can put into words. To have been by her side as she has lived through some really traumatic things; the challenges she still has and always will; the day-to-day struggles that she has endured and yet to see her smile in a picture like this as though life has been nothing but sunny is astounding to me. I know there will be days that are hard for her yet to come. But knowing she has such strength and a deep happiness in spite of it all is inspiring to me. I haven't been on top of my game lately, and I hoping that reminders like this from Wyndham will light the fire in me again. She certainly deserves me being my best and I love her so much I am willing to shoot for that now and always! Okay...the comments are open if you care about getting a card from less-than-perfect me. =) Happy twelve, twelve, twelve Day too!

His personality is taking shape.

My "baby" is fast approaching the age of two. He's been learning and watching his 5 older siblings for many, many months now and in just a few days Teague will be 21 months old. Twenty-one. I am sure it will seem but a blink and the months will be replaced with years and I will wonder how it all happened so quickly.
So for that simple fact, I snapped a couple of pictures and am compelled to write a few things about my little guy who is growing up all too fast and capture a little bit of who he is today. At almost 21 months.
I heard him wake up this morning a little bit after 8am and just after I had poured some more hot coffee into my cup. I thought I might have a minute or two to myself as Crew sat and watched "Team UmiZoomi" and I had just cleaned up from seeing the older kids off to the bus and out the door for their second-to-last Friday of the school year.
I typically hear Teague awake with a small whimper or cry or some sort of fussing that lets me know he is ready to get out of his crib and on with the start of his day. Nine times out of 10 he wakes up just a tad on the 'grumpy side' and he has to ease into the morning with some whole milk, some hug time or his newest favorite cartoon... Peppa Pig. Often times it is a combination of all three. Today as I opened his door and stepped into his room, I saw him standing at the head of his crib holding onto the rail. As I took a couple of steps toward him he grinned and then lifted his hands up in the air and said, "Ta Da!"
It was the cutest thing ever.
It made up for some of the not-so-nice things he has been up to lately. Including dumping out half a bag of Raisin Bran just so he could eat the raisins out of the mix. Or when he repeatedly pulls out dirty dishes as I am loading the dishwasher. Or the knack he has for doing that limp-body thing whenever you need to  carry him in or out of somewhere or change the activity he is in the middle of doing and he doesn't want to do it. He charmed me especially so this past Sunday on Mother's Day when he screamed- yes, screamed- the whole drive {about 10 minutes long} from the church parking lot to Culvers where we ate lunch with my mom and dad. He was a handful running around everywhere at lunch too, but at least he had quit screaming once we got him inside.
One of the things that is cute even when he is being not-so-nice these days is when I raise my voice or call his name if he's getting into mischief. Most of the time he doesn't respond. But he almost always snaps out of whatever it is or gives me his attention when I call him by his middle name, "Easton". I am working on getting the rest of the family to call him that too. For some reason he is starting to look like an Easton to me. We'll see how that turns out!
And now for the flip-side. He is such a great kid when it comes to meals. He loves so many different foods. He loves 'helping' in the kitchen {I just wrote about how great he is at emptying the dishwasher!}, and he even tries new things very readily. Just last week he ate almost all the tomatoes off of a salad I was eating. I was surprised he didn't spit out the first one and then he wanted more and more and more! He LOVES berries- blueberries and blackberries especially. He loves to sit in the driver's seat and pretend to drive. He loves old classic songs from Sesame Street and he knows how to pull them up and watch them over and over again on our cellphones.
He is a growing, active, smart, funny, dynamic personality in our home where he could easily be out-shined by someone else. Somehow though, he, just like all my other kids, has a way of bringing his own charm and personality and flavor into the mix. It's not always easy mothering my busy brood of kids. But it is always entertaining, often dramatic and on even the most ordinary days, it seems someone makes it special. If by simply announcing, "TA-DA!" when I walk into their room.
Oh how I love my little guy. Even when he's not always so nice. He more than makes up for it and I am so glad I get to be a part of his life and watch him grow into who God has created him to be!

Oh, Crew!

Sometimes I feel like life is too much of a blur. Does that happen to you too?! I know so many of us are good at savoring the little things and many of you are good and/or eveb great at documenting so many of the moments that come and go, but I still find that I sometimes wish I could just freeze-frame life for even just a few hours.

This is our Crew...or Crewman as we often refer to him around here. He is still the one out of 6 kids that keeps us hopping more than any other. He is still so strong-willed and demanding and he has mood swings that make our heads spin from morning til night each and everyday.

But once in awhile he flashes his big-eyed, huge smile my way and I can't help it- he melts my heart and I feel that thing inside that literally would attempt to swim across an ocean for him. I feel that way for all of my kids. Especially when their little arms reach up for a hug, or when they pull you in for a kiss. I feel it when they beam at me with accomplishment- over something I have spent hours upon hours trying to help them learn.

That moment he was placed in my arms is one I still keep tucked in and stored as a treasure in my heart. It will be there forever. No matter how big he gets, no matter where he ends up living and spending his time when he's grown, and it will always make me feel like I am the lucky one. I know Crew is my busy, growing boy. And it is a privilege for me to be the one to watch and help him a little bit each day as he grows more and more into the person he was made to be all along.

{He's playing Cooking Mama in the picture above. He still LOVES to cook- in AND out of the kitchen.}

Oh Crew, we love you!

A family favorite.

I figured since I am in recipe-posting mode from the previous post, why not post a family favorite {which a friend asked me for the other day} and share it with you. It's our tried and true recipe for homemade Buttermilk Waffles. This one comes from my mom too. That's her hand-written recipe in the picture. It is wrinkled and splattered and shows wear from use. That's how much we love this recipe at our house.
In fact, we are having them tonight. Breakfast for dinner...if I could convince my kids to eat breakfst for dinner every single night, I probably would. I love the ease of it and the fact that all my kids like breakfast food. It makes life easy to make meals like this.
To make these waffles, simple get a bowl and mix all ingredients well. But not too well. A few lumps and bubbles here and there is a good thing. Then heat a waffle iron to the toastiness you prefer and enjoy. Simple. Delicious.
Especially with a side of sausage or bacon or fruit and a nice frothy orange julius.
I might have to share that recipe with you next. =)

Happiness is warm laundry on a chilly day...

I took pictures of something I have done lots and lots of times through the years. It's especially wonderful on days like the kind we had today- that start out in the 40's when you wake up and reach only into the low 50's for highs. That's chilly. It feels even cooler because we were spoiled with warmer temperatures than normal this past week. It definitely feels like fall outside now.

So my little laundry fun is well-received on days like today. As soon as a load of clothes is ready to come out of the dryer, I fill the basket and whichever kid(s) happens to be nearby they are treated to some warm laundry smothering. Today Teague was the lucky recipient. He got a blanket and Wyndham's dress wrapped around him and tossed on his head- which he promptly pulled off and laughed about.

I love to do this- and my kids all love it too- when they are just going to bed or have been settled in for a few minutes already. I love it when it's a load of bath towels too- all fluffy and fresh and piping hot. I grab the hot items out of the dryer and sometimes totally surprise them with a pile on their heads as they lay in their beds. Or sometimes I call them to come help me out for a quick minute. And when they show up I put Daddy's lounge pants and t-shirt on their heads. They laugh and scream and pull it off. And they always want more. It can get out of hand in a big hurry when one kid puts underwear on another one's head and the fun factor for that kid drops off suddenly. But the laughter and warmth and fun that comes from a dryer full of warm laundry is one I know they'll remember when they've grown and one I hope they don't outgrow too soon.

It's the little things.

I keep telling myself that.

I know it's not the things I do so right.

But the things I want them to feel good about. It's the things like laughter and seeing that even though you have to do stuff like laundry in life, you still have the choice to make it fun once in awhile. Or more than once in awhile. It's about knowing that seasons change and even with the 'cold' there is opportunity to feel warmth and create a bit of happiness along the way.

I can't help but think I'll always be glad that I let my kids play in the warm laundry and even encouraged it on cold days. Maybe this is why I love the smell of Tide so much...

Don't let this picture fool you...

This is Teague helping me sweep the floor. The fact is he's the one that makes most of the mess around here these days! I can hardly keep up with the Cheerios, dried peas and carrots and other food and toys he leaves behind throughout the day. Yesterday it was the toilet paper streaming across the hallway, living room and entry way as though we had some mini party going on and needed streamers for the occasion. Sometimes it feels like fun for me. Other times I feel like I am fighting a losing battle trying to keep up.
In the end, I pause ad breathe and take it in. Because I have learned life's lesson that this season of his life and mine will be a distant memory before long. So I snap a few pictures and try to take it in. And remind myself that a clean house isn't what I really want in life. I want happy, well-rounded kids that know there's no place like home!

Documenting daily life...

I've had a debate in my head for a few weeks now as to keep blogging or not. As you can see, the "not" won out for awhile. =) Sure, life is busy from day to day. Three of the six kids have started back to school; Wyndham is getting more therapy services- which already keep Chip busy running her back and forth to her sessions, and summer is starting to wind down so I am trying to get in as many 10-mile bike rides as I can. It seems like there is always something to cook or clean or pick up... our daily life is routine, but not at the same time.

Even as I wonder whether or not to make note of the "stuff" going on in our lives I realize that this is the kind of stuff that is too easily forgotten. The seasons of life sometimes change so gradually that I hardly notice they've changed until I look back and see that things were once very different.

So here I am again, taking note of the really insignificant, significant details of our life. As it is- right now. With Brock (in 7th grade), Bella (in 4th grade) and Ava (in 2nd grade) in school our home has gotten quieter from 7:45 am until 3:25 pm. When Wyndham is away at therapy sessions I suddenly find myself with just 2 kids at home. Something that is a rarity and makes me think back to when I had Teagan and Brock. Crew and Teague are the exact same ages apart as those two were and it brings back a flood of memories of how that season in my life was very different than it is now. I have found that these two little guys love to play together and are very good in their play kitchen. We save all sorts of products/packages from our real kitchen and they can pretend together for a long time and are very happy at the food they make. I love getting to spend some playtime with them as I know how important it is for kids to get more individual attention.

I am glad I have a spot to "preserve" some of these really mundane activities here on my blog, because I know the years go so quickly and it's too important to not take notice of the little moments. I see how each of my kids is growing and learning and discovering new things. Every day. And new discoveries- no matter how many people have discovered them before you- are always worth documenting. I hope you are finding freshness in your days right now. Breathe it in and savor it. Because tomorrow will be a new day and you might forget just how much you loved today.

They made it more fun!

My parents came for a visit from Minnesota last week and we sure appreciated all they did for us and to help us have a little more summer fun together. With a ratio of two adults to six kids considering the ages and special needs of three of them it's much more manageable to do activities with a couple more helpers. Grandma and Grandpa were more than helpers. They made life more enjoyable and eased some of the daily burdens that tend to weigh Chip and me down so much.

We spent an overnight at a cabin of our friends on Big Star Lake here in Michigan. It was perfect weather and there was a lot to do- including a boat, kayaks, tubing, building sand castles, relaxing and a family outing to the famous Jones' Ice Cream. My parents are so laid-back around our kids and just jump right in playing with them and doing other household projects like defrosting our upright freezer. Like I said... the fun stuff. =)

Chip and I marked our 16th wedding annivesary {on August 12th} and my mom made us a carrot cake- very similar to the one she made for us on our wedding day. I have to tell you this has probably been the hardest year for us on so many levels. More difficult even then the year we had our Old Depot incident. Some days Chip and I wonder how we manage to even stay together. For me it is proof that God exists. He is holding us together when we would rather split our problems in half or just let half the family have some breathing room to feel "normal" at times. I'm thankful for the miracle God keeps doing in our hearts and lives as He keeps us together. I hope we can look back years from now and see just how far we've come. But in the throws of the tough stuff it can be hard to see.

I'm still thankful for Chip sharing his life with me and we love each other to the core. It's just the fun isn't the same kind of fun we used to have and we're trying to live in the moments of wonderful that we do have each day and recognize that we are pretty lucky- evenso.

I think we know it inside.

My parents visit reminded me that we DO have so much to be grateful for. We DO have a lot of fun when we can make it happen and God DOES want to see our marriage through all seasons of our lives. I hope we're eating cake together- as a couple and as a family- for a long, long time.