Beyond the fluff of Valentine's...

What I would love to write in this space today is how dreamy and sappy it is to be celebrating Valentine's Day with my true love. Who doesn't want the perfect love story at some point in their life?! Especially on Valentine's Day. But the truth and reality in this great big world of ours- even on Valentine's Day- or maybe especially so on Valentine's Day!- is that true love isn't as pretty and sweet as the cards, flowers, dark chocolates and fairytales that consume this holiday would like us all to believe. Those things are great. They are awesome and special even! They do say, "I love you" and they can certainly communicate what is in one's heart. I am not writing off dark chocolate sea-salt caramels wrapped up with a bow ever! But I am sharing my own heart and thoughts about what I have learned love to be. And I can tell you, it's not all rosy and chocolates.
In fact the deepest, most pure love that I have ever experienced in my 41 years of life most often has been shown to me not in the form of a tangible gift at all. It hasn't been showered on me when life has been it's prettiest. It has been in some of the deepest, darkest pits of life that I have felt loved, supported, cherished and comforted. The times when I look back in my life and know that love was holding me are times when flowers and chocolates would have failed, and even felt offensive as a gift of love. It strikes me as interesting that when I have needed love and care the most in my life that the most thoughtful, most meaningful gesture of love has been simply having someone sit next to me and weep with me, or hold me close and cry with me.
Love has shown itself faithful and true to me in an embrace at the airport in Chicago standing next to baggage claim.
It has stood by me as we sang, "It is well with my soul" as we said good-bye to Teagan at her memorial services.
Love has lifted me when I felt I couldn't bring myself to say, "I forgive you". Love was wrapped around me when I claimed that truth and it helped set my heart free.
Love was there when I cried out and wept over a load of fresh, warm whites to fold and found myself unable to breathe. It whispered to my heart, "look to the Heavens and trust me for your very breath".
Love has wrapped its tiny newborn finger around mine and made me believe in joy and Hope in this world again.
It has gotten up with me in the middle of the night, too many times to count, and helped give a shower or start a load of laundry and held a sick child.
Love has walked in the door and placed take-out on the counter. Too many times to count that as well. =)
It has scrapped the snow off the windshield and started the vehicle so that the inside was warm for travel.
Love tells me to "text him a grocery list" and says "no problem" when I say thank you for doing that errand/chore for our family again. And again. And again.
True love has shown me that it's not a tiny box wrapped with a big bow at precisely the right moment in time that reveals the heart, but the way it grins and smiles and says, "you look beautiful" even after a sleepless night or a ruthless day spent just trying to keep my head above water. Love looks at me when I am at my worst and says, "There is nobody in the whole world I would rather be next to at this moment in time, except you."
Love has dared to say that it would be easier for us to be apart, but it is far better to hang on and trudge forward together. Love has believed in the future of us even when the present has looked dim, and the questions outnumber the answers in life.
Love has said, "I'm sorry...I messed up...and I'm trying." It has allowed me to say the very same things.
Love has seen the ugly side of me. More than once. And yet it stands by my side to this very day.
Love has taught me so many things about God, others and myself.
It has been poured out to me in unexpected people, places and things. It has been undeserved, unmerited, and unleashed to me since as far back as I can remember.
Love has changed me, saved me, redeemed me, and it makes me want to be a better me. Not just today. Not because of flowers. Or chocolate or any other thing that can be bought or sold.
True love comes from the heart, comes from Above, and comes in such subtle ways that I sometimes miss seeing just how beautiful it is.
Today- this Valentine's Day- seems as fitting a day as ever for me to pause and look back and say thanks. To all the Love I have been given in this life. I am humbled, grateful, and my heart is overflowing with gratitude for such love. I only hope I can shower some of my love and gratitude back to God, to Chip who has showered me with so much and still gives me all these years, and to my family, friends and strangers too. One of my favorite things about true love is that it never runs out, gets old, dries up or falls short. It can be given and shared and it only grows from there!

Not always "out with the old".

 

 

Hello to 2014 and a whole new year ahead of us, right?! As much as I don't like getting older, I do love the fresh start of a new year. Yes, I know that every morning is another new day, but a whole new year just feels big and the way it gets celebrated is a big deal sometimes too. It is nice to be able to look ahead and feel like there are endless possibilities, new dreams, adventures and joys to be discovered. I am ready for all of that and more.
Having just turned 41 a week and a half ago I am fully aware that there are things that need to be changed in me, moments that need to be grasped and savored, and some things that simply need to be accepted. I titled this not always out with the old, because the truth is old and used and the past can all be truly wonderful things too! I find that some of my quirks and old habits aren't so bad...they are simply "who I am", including things like embracing a trend like loving antlers and not letting that fade even after a year or more. My "birthday moose" arrived in the mail and it was the perfect timing for me to scrap a page about it with the first Cocoa Daisy kit of the year~ Blueprint. I loved everything about this kit and had so much fun making my pages and little mini book to be filled in as this month goes on. This kit and add-ons are now available for purchase and I can tell you that if you have thought about getting a monthly subscription, Cocoa Daisy is the place to get yours. The kits seem to get better and better, and I'm not even sure how that can happen! I just know I love to get my box of goodies in the mail and have never been disappointed, ever!
I am hoping to 'celebrate' the everyday even more than I have done in the past. Somedays it is easy to do that, and some days it is quite a chore! Last night, for New Year's Eve I was ready to sit home with our 6 kids as Chip worked the event hosted at his golf club. I knew if I went I would have to scramble to do extra things at home so that I could safely and happily leave the kids together while I tried to sneak away for a couple of hours. {Brock is 14 now and once the littlest guys were in jammies and tucked in bed I knew it wouldn't be too hard a job for him to hang out.} I knew Chip would be busy making sure everything was going smoothly and so I would end up 'alone' at times and honestly I don't know too many members of the club all that well yet. I also haven't had any reason to dress up and so I was dragging my feet about going to the party for all those reasons and more. I am the queen of making excuses to stay home. Just ask Chip. =)
Instead, at about 9pm I decided I was going to make it happen and at least go to the party for a short while. I had 2 choices of dresses and put this one on first. I figured it would be better to be overdressed than underdressed for a New Year's party. I was just surprised and happy that the dress still fit! I wore it twice back in 2001. For those who have followed this blog forever, you know that that was 4 babies ago for me...so it's practically a miracle that this dress still fits me! I could have used some different shoes, and I actually ended up shoveling snow in this dress and heels. But the night turned out to be a fun escape from my usual nightly routine and even though my feet are a bit sore from late-night dancing, it was good to spend time together with Chip- even if he was "working".
Between antlers and scrapping and wearing an old dress, I am feeling good about what this new year holds. We went through so much change the past few years that it feels exciting to just settle down a bit more and see what a year can hold when there {hopefully} won't be changes and transitions in houses and schools and jobs. I have to say there is something wonderful about things staying the same too. Especially when you realize how good it is. Here's to 2014 and everything it holds- old, new and maybe another night out dancing before the year's end too! =)

Christmas recap and a little merry & bright scrap!

 

Merry two days after Christmas, everyone! I hope you have enjoyed or are still enjoying this extra special time of year! My family and I have had a quiet, cozy first Christmas in our home here in Michigan. There was lot of snow and cold outside, but we have found ways to stay warm, busy and have full tummies inside! From Santa brunches, to my birthday to Christmas services and chocolate soufflés, it has been a pretty great time together. We sure miss being with others and sharing these moments with family and friends, but we are grateful for our home, our health and all the other undeserved blessings we have received this year.
Our tree was cut by Chip, Brock and Ava and although it's an 11-ft Frasier Fir {for only $25!}, it almost feels too small for our living room space. We definitely thank God for the home He opened the doors for us to move into and even as we are finishing off a bedroom and bathroom in our downstairs and have had some frustrations with that project, we know that this place is a real gift for all of us.
I have a mini tour of my scrap space on the Cocoa Daisy blog if you enjoy seeing where I create and scrap in my free time. I have sort of liked the slow pace of just the 8 of us being here for Christmas because I have been able to make several cards to send to friends, and I just loved the January Cocoa Daisy kit~ "Blueprint", which debuts live tomorrow night at www.cocoadaisy.com at 9pm eastern time. It is always so fun to see the layouts and projects that my friends on the design team create too. They always inspire me and the kits that Christine puts together each month are just so full of great things that fuel the creativity in all of us! I feel so lucky to be on the team at Cocoa Daisy and I am looking forward to lots of fun memories to be made AND to be scrapped in the coming year too! Merry Christmas and all the best to each of you who still stop by here and read the slim posts at Nitty.Gritty. This next year could be the year I get back to blogging like I used too!

The moments that matter most.

Wow. So many thoughts and emotions going on in my heart and mind today, that I just need to put them down somewhere. This is my outlet~ my mother's heart that has never stopped beating even when this world broke it in two.
This note flows out of that brokenness. It flows from the place in me where I can still 'see, feel and recall' the brokenness in such detail all these years later. It flows from the heartache an empathy I am feeling for the families in Newtown, CT who are re-living their pain and nightmare on this anniversary eve of the loss of their own little ones. It is spilling out from the goosebumps I got as I read the text from a dear friend who is headed to the ICU to quite possibly say her final goodbye to a special little girl even as I type this out.
Life is cruel and cold at times, and my own experiences have softened me toward other broken hearts in this world. When I hear of other hurting hearts, my own heart remembers a time and details that have yet to fade year after year. 
The details of Teagan's final days and moments are etched on my heart and mind forever. The littlest moments were elevated to some of my most precious memories in light of her loss. It is those moments that matter most. The moments that we all have with our loved ones every single day. But for some reason, we don't hardly recognize their greatness or worth. Often times we even get annoyed by them, or frustrated and worn down. By their timing, and their frequency- by their 'mundaneness' among all the long to-do list we all have every day. These moments are the ones I cherish the most. Yet I STILL take them or granted far too often, even after learning the lesson of their value and worth having been schooled by sudden loss, heartache and grief. 
They are moments we all have with the people around us. We sit down at a meal and eat together. Do we listen and laugh? Do we care about the smallest accomplishments our children or spouses have made that day? Do we see how sweet their tired eyes are as they wake to another day...another good morning hug...another bowl of Frosted Flakes? Do we have any idea how special it is that we can hug them and hold them in our arms? Do we study the color of their eyes? Do we tell them how much we love them- even if we are all running late and we can't find the cellphone or keys? 
I can remember sharing the last bowl of tapioca with Teagan on the night before our incident. She was delighted over a bowl of warm tapioca. She and I sat at her small table and talked about how much we both loved real whipped cream. The earth didn't shake. The mountains didn't tremble. But it was a moment I will never forget. There was love and innocence in that time and place. There were dreams to be chased and more dancing to do when we were done! There was no reason to believe that moments like this weren't going to last forever. Hours later I would wake her up from her cozy night of sleep and help her get dressed and brush her hair and tie a ribbon in it one last time. The details were about to change. Forever.
Some days I mess it all up. I hurt from missing Teagan. I hurt because I miss the sound of her voice- her joy and delight over the littlest things. Sometimes I miss her so much that the people around me wonder what they did to make me mad. They wonder what they could do different to make me smile. Some days I wake up so sure that it must have been a dream, but it's real every day. Some days the strength comes and my heart and eyes re-open to beauty, happiness and joy. I am reminded of the details that I cling to and they make me want to love more, live more and try to be better- even with a broken heart.
I write this as I sit at the little table where Teagan and I shared countless meals and that last bowl of tapioca. I haven't ever been able to part with it {plus all the other kids have used it countless times too for the very things Teagan loved and used it for- playing Playdough, coloring pages, eating meals and snacks and hosting tea parties at it too} and I love being able to have a tangible remembrance of those special times spent with her. I am thankful for all the new memories made at this table, and I am grateful that broken hearts heal little by little. I am reminded again as I my heart weighs heavy for others facing grief and sorrow and heartbreak this Christmastime, that each and every moment is a gift. Every detail a blessing. The smallest moments blur together and get lost even more so this time of year. But if even for a moment we open our eyes to them and see their true worth, we will hold a priceless treasure in our hearts forever.

Coke Float Day. Then and Now.

It was an amazing day yesterday on many levels. Life has so many ups and downs and twists and turns. Sometimes several rollercoaster rides occur even before noon around our house! It is a tricky thing to find some sort of balance, but never more so than when it comes to grief and living with the loss of loved one, and holding onto those memories, but not letting them suck the joy out of the life you still live even though they're gone. We've been riding this coaster for years now and it is still a process of growing and learning for me. I think it always will be.
So yesterday was a special day for our family. It has been an extra special day since June 30, 2001. That was the day that Coke Float Day was set in motion. We just wouldn't know that until a year later when we made it official. Here is the story behind the original photo of Chip and Teagan. It was 11:00 at night and Teagan always stayed up late to have her Daddy time. She was a Daddy's girl through and through and a night owl too, which was a lucky thing for both of them because he worked late and long hours especially in the summertime. But she still had energy to dance and laugh and listen to Larry Lizard stories with Chip at bedtime. This night Chip came in, changed clothes and grabbed a cold can of Coke out of the refrigerator. Teagan was right on his heels. She wanted some pop too. "Please, Daddy?!" and those big blue eyes! How could a daddy who had spent his day with golfers coming in and out of the Pro Shop, say no to cute, big blues eyes like that...and a beckoning smile to go along with them? Well, the answer is that he couldn't. Not that night anyway. I was ready to crawl into bed, exhausted from home keeping and taking care of Teagan {4}, Brock {2} and Wyndham {just 6 months old} at that time. I wanted no part of Teagan drinking a sugary, caffeinated cola at that hour, I do remember that. However, not that many months earlier we had lived through the scare of our lifetime when Wyndham was just 3 weeks old and having trouble breathing and eating. I had found her turning blue and called 911- this after she had visited the ER 3 times already. Her subsequent trip by helicopter downstate to Hurley Hospital turned into a 5 day stay where the doctors had saved her life and we had been given a second chance at happiness with 3 small children again. Chip and I knew we had brushed death with Wyndham and that incident had given us a new perspective on life. Even when it was 11 o'clock and kids should be tucked into bed by that time of the night! In light of our heightened appreciation for the moments we had with our kids and how precious even the tired moments could be, we did something a little different that night.
Instead of me rolling my eyes and getting upset with Teagan for not wanting to settle in for the night or me grumbling at Chip that he should have waited to open his soda after she was in bed, I went to the cupboard and pulled out a couple of malt glasses. I pulled some vanilla ice cream from the freezer and the next thing you know happiness and delight filled the kitchen as Teagan realized she and Daddy were having a special date night and on the menu were Coke Floats! I remember her smiles and excitement so clearly. She had a way of lighting up a room and add a Coke Float and let's just say the happiness was palpable. Teagan and Daddy sat at her little table; I grabbed the camera. I had no idea that snapping a couple of photos of this simple moment in time was going to turn into anything bigger than the feeling we had of goodness and happiness at that shared moment in time. I knew I was happy that we were ending the day on a positive note. I was thankful for how we were living with intention about making the most of the time with our kids- which is why we were sipping Coke floats at such a late hour. I was glad to know that whatever I had done "wrong" that day as a mom was forgiven with such  ease as making a sweet bedtime treat. My heart was full that night knowing I had done something right and it was so well-received.
I couldn't have known that those few moments in the kitchen would turn into a memorial day for our family. I never dreamed that something as simple as a late-night Coke float would be one of the tickets our family has needed and used year after year, on which to build new happy memories and pull ourselves from the pit of sorrow that consumed us when Teagan died so suddenly exactly one month to that day later. I have written about how I was glad I didn't know what our future held for Teagan and our family back then. It most certainly would have brought dread into moments like these that we did have with Teagan in her final days on earth. We didn't know then, but we know now.
We know now that life is even more precious than we realized it was back then. We have learned that life is a gift every single day. We have learned that life with a Teagan-sized hole in our hearts can never be filled, but it can be recalled and celebrated and still enjoyed.
Anyone who has lost a loved one can tell you just how hard the first year is- every big and little thing that you miss about your loved one is magnified and the loss is felt in new ways over and over and over again until you feel you will run out of tears from all the sorrowing. The ache grows bigger and the hole feels larger as the reality takes hold and grips your heart and mind. Teagan was never coming back. She would never hug us or laugh or sing and play with us again. She would never stay up late and sleep in til noon. She was simply going to be missed. Every single day of the life we had left without her. That reality filled my heart and life with dread so many times. I have written about how I grieved her so much as I just tried to wash and fold a load of whites and her days of the week underwear were no longer in the pile to be folded. I spent hours looking through photo albums of the life we had shared with her and luckily captured on film too. The date stamped on the corner of those pictures sometimes just made my heart ache more. It was so stark in front of me that her life and come and gone and things we had loved and laughed and enjoyed with Teagan became a list of things in my heart I never wanted to do again because they would only make me miss her more and hate the reality of the life we were handed when she died.
As I flipped through the photo album and came upon pictures like Coke floats with her my heart ached. But I also had learned that hard lesson before she was gone that these kind of moments were so precious and the very things we wanted to enjoy in life! I knew in my heart that as much as my grief wanted to drown me and steal all the joy life held that I couldn't let that happen. And not because of me, but because I was still wanting to give Brock and Wyndham the life I had wanted to share with them and Teagan before she was gone. I knew that striking all the fun, happy things out of our life because they caused pain wasn't going to bring me more happiness, but instead they would bring more sorrow. More hurt.
That is how Coke Float Day was born. It didn't come from a family looking to be an inspiration to anyone. It didn't come from Chip and Jody thinking we could turn something so hurtful in our lives into a day of laughter, fun and special memories. It was born out of a sorrowing that hurt so deeply that we didn't want the pain to cut any further, so we looked for ways to make it stop. Even for moments at a time.
This year Coke Float Day was our most amazing one yet. With the ease of social media, like Face Book, it was simple for us to spread the word of our family's tradition of this day with others. Chip's golf club sent out a notice to all their pool and golf members that they could come to the club and enjoy a Coke Float in honor of Teagan's memory. I sent out an invitation to everyone of my friends on FB and gave a head's up about remembering to add soda pop and vanilla ice cream to their grocery lists. Our family spent most of the day at the club pool. We ate cheeseburgers and fries and drank our floats out of plastic cups. They were creamy and delicious. The sun was shining. The sky was blue. We were all healthy and happy. Watching other people walk up to the food service window and walk away with a Coke Float and a big smile on their face made my heart swell. Not in a prideful way at all. But in the bittersweet, humble way recognizing how God heals wounds in time and so painstakingly hard at times, but seeing the depth of our sorrow now putting joy and happiness on the faces and in the hearts of others brought me to tears. This time the tears on Coke Float Day flowed not out of pity or hurt our heartache, but out of the joy that I was glimpsing the way that God does make all things new. He has turned our sorrow to joy in even small ways. I sometimes don't see the joy or feel it long or hard enough. But I glimpsed it and tasted it yesterday. It was in the skip of a little red-haired girl in a yellow polka-dot swim suit. It was in the frothy mustache dripping down my own Teague's chin as he sipped his float. It was in the photos and notes and kind words shared by hundreds of our friends on Face Book yesterday. Each time we were tagged in some way I knew it was God letting us know that although this journey has, and continues to be long and hard, we are not alone. He is there. Friends are there. Strangers are there. Love is there. Teagan's memory lives on. Her life still brings joy to the lives and hearts of people around the world. Then and Now. My heart is blessed to know that although her days were short, her love and joy were so big that they still reach others. That is a gift that only comes from God. Teagan was and always will be our extra special gift!

12.12.12

Considering this date doesn't happen again for another hundred years, I figured it was profound enough to take a bit of time out of my busy day and actually write a blog. When I go days or even weeks at a time without even a photo posted, it usually isn't for lack of something to say, but more often than notit means so much is happening that I don't have time to stop and take note of it here at Nitty.Gritty. It also is very likely that I am dealing with stuff, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually that are just hard for me to articulate, or that in fact, I would rather not even be dealing with, so I absolutely don't care to write it down and share it with the world.
I do always promise to keep it real around here- and have been criticized for being too raw even! But the fact is sometimes even I can't write it down and get it out in this format as I trudge through it. So I hold it inside and I am sure there will be lessons learned or great insights to this stuff later on. Sometimes you just have to sit in a place and let it unfold and then looking back it takes on a whole new meaning. I am sitting and waiting for meaning right now.
Now, when I say 'sitting and waiting' you know that isn't literally what I am doing! My to-do list as a mom to 6 kids ages 2 to 13 is never-ending and after having just moved a month ago and throwing in Thanksgiving and now Christmas, well, it is just a phrase I use. I am sitting and waiting in my heart and mind. But I am otherwise busy keeping up with the kids' schedules and events and getting them back into their new-ish routine. There are things that changed and things that stayed the same since we moved a year ago, and it is still a bit of an adjustment getting it all feeling "back to normal".
I have been busy trying to make some cards for Christmas {that's a couple of different ones turning my favorite stamp into a Christmas card/banner} and actually get some in the mail before too long. I love playing with my scraps and glitter and just listening to Christmas music while I think of the people I am writing my cards to. It is a nice way for me to put my heart into something that is such a traditional part of Christmas. The mail! I know that real cards in the mailbox are getting rarer and rarer as technology has connected us more and more in recent years. But to me, instead of seeming like a waste of time, paper and energy, it seems even more important that the art of Christmas cards not get lost. To me it tells the receiver you are indeed as special in my life as I hope you know and this card is a way of saying so. I hope to never get too wrapped up in computers and phones and such that cards aren't a part of Christmas. Last year we had just moved and there was no way I could get cards out to friends. This year feels good for me to be able to do that and to handmake some of my cards is a gift to me as much as it mightbe to anyone else who gets one.
To prove my point and to just have some random holiday fun, I would love for any of you who still read to leave me a comment and just say Merry Christmas, or share your favorite holiday food or Christmas cookie. Tell me a way you are going to make this year special for someone less fortunate than you or where you are heading for Christmas day. Any comment will do, really. I will choose one {or two, if that many of you actually leave a comment...my readers are sparse these days!} and send you a Christmas card and photo. Just make sure to share your email address or come back and check to see if you've won. I will choose the winner by next Thursday {Dec. 20th} which just so happens to be my 40th birthday too! It should be a wild day for me!
I posted a picture of Wyndham and me here because she is just doing so well right now. I always worry a bit more about her as the winter approaches because she has not faired so well through the years when it comes to her weakened immune system and all the viruses and junk that gets passed around everywhere you go. For her, even a cold and flu has far too often turned into a hospital stay. Last year was her first year since she her head injury that she didn't need an ER visit or extended stay for any reason. I am hoping we can make that a tradition too and go for at least two consecutive years! It would be a wonderful thing for her and us as a family. Hospital stays are rough on everyone!
Wyndham is finishing up some evaluations at her rehabilitation center and will be back on a regular schedule again. She so loved her aquatherapy before and the pool was such a motivator for her. She has been much more mobile and even a bit independent in our home sine moving back here. I don't know if she is just more comfortable in the space or what it is exactly, but it is still even a bit shocking for me to look back to the dining table for instance, and see that she has left her spot and is off in another room. After not having gotten up from her spot for over 2 years, it is just surprising to see her do things like that on her own. The fact that she doesn't speak or really make noise is another reason it's unexpected and surprising. She would make a great spy I think. =) Her happiness is something that I never take for granted.
I love the picture of her and I because the truth is it was a bit cold and windy that day out at the beach. She doesn't really like being outdoors in the first place, much less in the cold, wind and blowing sand. I am just so proud of her and the way that she lets us push her sometimes and proud of how she pushes her own self at other times. It's sometimes a tricky dance to do- especially as a mom whose heart is bent on her comfort and ease and happiness moreso than on her growth and overcoming obstacles. She didn't want to take one step onto the state beach for our family pictures that day. We coaxed her as the other kids took off running. Teague and Crew were ahead of all of us, even though they're the youngest and smallest. She made some faces to let us know that she was unsure, uncomfortable and would much rather get back inside the toasty van and watch us all have fun without her. But even as we tried telling her that the sand was okay for her to walk on and that we certainly weren't going to let her lose her footing in it, she held on tightly. She looks to us for a lot of support, and yet we know that it's not always best for her to just sit back and watch life happen around her. The more steps we took, the trickier it got for the first bit of the beach. The sand dunes are tall and the wind was really blowing and the sand was in the air too. It wasn't your typical day at the beach.
She hung in there. We got a blanket out and let her sit down and just get a sense of the space she was in as we gathered the other kids around for an attempt at a family picture. I fully expected her to be in tears as I reached down to straighten the corner of the blanket she was on and the wind snapped it and sand went in her hair and eyes. As I helped brush her off and get her eyes cleared, instead of tears, Wyndham let out a small chuckle. I knew then that she was going to make this experience better than I had expected. She ended up walking a long ways down by the water and she held some items the kids picked up- a stick, some dune grass and all the while I was thinking how amazing it was that she was even here. How many times she pulled through something that was threatening her physically. She has had too many listless days for me to count over the years. I have seen her at her worst and it still comes to my mind in nightmares at times. So to see her beaming in a place where I would never expect her to shine was a really special thing for me to see. I could brag on all my other kids {and maybe I will get some more time to do so!} too, but Wyndham's smiles will always be a bit different and hold a meaning that I feel in my heart better than I can put into words. To have been by her side as she has lived through some really traumatic things; the challenges she still has and always will; the day-to-day struggles that she has endured and yet to see her smile in a picture like this as though life has been nothing but sunny is astounding to me. I know there will be days that are hard for her yet to come. But knowing she has such strength and a deep happiness in spite of it all is inspiring to me. I haven't been on top of my game lately, and I hoping that reminders like this from Wyndham will light the fire in me again. She certainly deserves me being my best and I love her so much I am willing to shoot for that now and always! Okay...the comments are open if you care about getting a card from less-than-perfect me. =) Happy twelve, twelve, twelve Day too!

Our happily ever after...

I drove past a marquee today that had the names of a couple and their wedding date {August 4,2012} under the heading "Happily Ever After". When I look at these pictures taken just seconds after we were pronounced husband and wife, I love that I see smiles and sunshine and applause from the people around us who were in our lives and supporting our love for each other on that day. I love that even as I remember trying to keep my heels from sinking too deeply into the soft ground as I walked, that what was most on my mind was the fact that I was now "a new person".
I had just become "Mrs. John Ferlaak". Chip's real name is John. Nobody calls him that since he was given the nickname 'Chip' when he was about a year old. Nobody has ever called me Mrs. John Ferlaak that I can recall. But on that day I changed from Jody Hackett to Jody S. Ferlaak and I knew something big had occurred. I knew it was a big change. I knew that my name changing hadn't changed who I was exactly, but rather it was going to shape the who I would become for the rest of my life.
I am humbled to look at the beauty and joy and happiness that I can see when I look at all the photos from our wedding day. People search the world high and low to find what Chip and I have simply had from even before our wedding day. I knew without a doubt as I walked down the aisle that day that Chip would be with me by my side until one of us should perish. I knew from this day forward he would be by my side through the ups and downs- laughters and tears.
I am so grateful that he has not only walked hand in hand with me, but that he has been a rock when I'v needed him to stand strong for both of us. He has also been my soft place and a warm embrace over and over again when life has demanded that we simply weep together because there are no words. I am eternally humbled and even overwhelmed at times that we found this in one another. Those beautiful moments of happiness and joy as we walked hand in hand to our own version of "Happily Ever After" are even more special to me now as I look back and see where life's path has had us trod. My heels have often threatened to sink down deep- figurativeyly speaking- many, many times. I am just so lucky to know that I have someone willing to walk beside me and hold my hand...and because of him I am still to this day "Mrs. John Ferlaak". That name has changed me in many ways- it's true. For the better. And better. And I imagine, that if we are granted many more days and years together, there is better yet to come too! We are a very, very lucky couple!

I owe them a big "thanks"!

Chip's mom, Karen, commented to me on FB that her memories of our wedding day vary just a bit from the ones I have written about here the past couple of days. I knew that all along, but when she made mention of it and as I thought about it I realized I probably never thanked Chip's parents enough for all they did do for us that day. I maybe thought our smiles and joy through that day spoke for themselves. I hope I said thank you back then. But after 17 years, my memory is a bit fuzzy when it comes to the kind of thank you I may or may not have said.
So today I am remembering back to our beautiful wedding day and I am making sure that my thank you is loud and clear. =) THANK YOU, John and Karen for everything you did to help make our wedding day one to remember so fondly. You see, most of the time the parents of the bride are all a flurry before and on the wedding day. There's no doubt my parents were busy with extra demands at that time because of our wedding. But in our case, Chip's parents bore most of the 'burden' of the actual event.
Chip and I had been attending church together when we dated and during our year engagement. But it wasn't the kind of place we would have held our ceremony in- as the church was meeting in a high school auditorium at that time. We spent several hours looking at different churches and parks for a location to have our wedding, but nothing was working out for us and in frustration and because we were running out of options we decided to pose the question of using Chip's parents' backyard as our location site. It seemed very plausible to Chip and me, but I do remember feeling like I was holding my breath while we presented our idea to them and waited for their objections. I am sure there head to be some objections. But I guess we were either very convincing, very pathetic, very naive, or maybe a combination of all of them and the next thing I knew Chip and I were excited to know that we now had a place for us to be married.
We didn't think much about the weather {see previous post}. =) I don't recall being concerned about bathroom space, or how much time and energy would need to go into preparing the gardens and yard. I do remember wondering and discussing a bit how the parking arrangements would work for all our guests, but I also recall not caring too mch because I knew I would have a 'front spot'. How selfish of me...yet how absolutely true about me at that time too. I just wanted everything to work out. So the less I worried or made something "my problem" the easier it was to deal with! How nice if I could still live that way, right?! =)
In addition to hosting what ended up being about 175 guests, Karen also made my wedding dress. She made my veil too. She made all of the bridesmaids dresses as well. She tended the garden. She had two teenagers at home at that time. One had a broken leg. Seventeen years later and with an abundance of life experiences under my own belt now, I have a much greater appreciation for all she did for me to pull off our wedding. She must not have slept for the whole month of July and those first 11 days of August that summer. I have no idea how she did it. But I do know I owe her a big thanks. Even all these years later.
I couldn't help but think that after all the planning and sewing and cleaning and rearranging and gardening and everything else that she and John did, that when they finally took their seats in the heat of the sun under the tent with the rose arbor and blooming garden and pool as the backdrop to Chip and I saying their vows, they probably just wanted to breathe for a moment and take it all in. I imagined my own self sitting down in a chair seeing the happiness on my son's face as he is about to make the biggest commitment in his life. I thought about how Chip's mom must have felt. All the times she had sat out in that back yard and watched Chip play with his siblings and neighbors. All the hours she spent waiting for him to come home from the hospital as he had been an extrememly sick, premature baby when he was born. All the memories of him growing and changing and becoming the man who stood before her in her garden. She had put years of hard work into that day. And I apologize now for hardly giving it a second thought.
If ever I owed someone a thanks, it is more than fitting for me to say it here to Chip's mom, Karen, and to his dad, John, as I reflect back on August 12th, 1995. Without them it never would have happened the way it did. Without them my memories of my wedding day would have looked very different. So it is with this understanding and with my most sincere gratitude that I say thank you. Thank you for your part in making our wedding day the most beautiful, special day that it was. Thank you for your hard work, your years of helping to shape Chip into the man of character that he is. Thank you for supporting us as a couple and loving us enough to make even our most outlandish ideas come true. We are so glad for the part you played in our lives and in our wedding day. I am sure Chip would love to join me in saying, "thanks" to you today and for everything you've done for us throughout all our married lives too. We love and appreciate you! 

Looking back on our wedding day...

Chip and I are coming up on our 17th wedding annivesary. It doesn't seem like we are old enough for that to be happening! =) But that must be a good thing, right? That the years seem to go by so quickly and we don't feel we age as fast as they go by.
I thought I would challenge myself to blog a photo and a memory or two of that time in our life all week as August 12th approaches. What I must say first of all as I think back to that amazing time in our lives is that I never once had any doubt that we were meant to be together. I never once questioned the step we were taking by getting married and choosing to spend our lives together from that point on. I never once had even a tiny thought that maybe we were too young, or this was happening too soon or that we needed to spend more time getting to know each other or thinking more thoughtfully about this huge commitment we were about to make together.
I was all in.
I was 100% sold that we were going to be a team forever.
I was so certain that I wanted Chip to be on my team. =)
*     *     *     *     *
I am so glad that we said our vows to one another and that all these years later we can still say we are thankful to have made them to each other. I love seeing this photo and thinking back to how absolutely happy we were to know that we had each other for the rest of our lives. I am so happy that in spite of many challenges and bumps in our road that we still find ourselves lost in an occasional kiss like the one in the picture here. That is amazing and lovely and a gift that I don't take for granted in our lives now- nearly 17 years later.
I will tell you that those flowers were very heavy as I held such a large bouquet! Ha! I do remember that! I would definitely go with a smaller bunch of flowers if we were doing our wedding over. I would probably not mke Chip wear such a formal tux for an outdoor garden wedding again, but that just goes to show that we have changed and grown and gives me even more reason to be thankful that we are still a team.
I hope you don't mind my memories, photos and even a bit of sappiness as I recount our wedding day all this week. I just feel like marriage is something that is so worthy of time and discussion and I feel so blessed that Chip and I are still together that to me it just makes sense to write it down and share a tiny bit of this blessing with the rest of the Nitty.Gritty. world.
Tomorrow...another story and photo. And if I am lucky, I might even get a guest post from Chip this week too!

...and then he was 3!

A week ago {Sept. 19th} Crew turned 3! It seems like we were just setting up his nursery and getting all the tiny clothes washed and put away in anticipation for his arrival. The next thing I know he is signing "3" and helping to select the cake flavor(s) and then holding the mixer and licking the beaters when the batter is done.

The years really do go by in the blink of an eye- even though some of the days and nights feel like they will never end! Even with having 7 kids, I will never understand the phenomenom behind that truth. We fell in love with Crew and his tiny newborn baby scent back in 2008. He was perfect and warm and squeeky at just the right times. It seems like he grew out of that newborn/baby phase way too quickly and his bright little mind was bent on keeping pace with all his older siblings. There's a 4 1/2 year gap between him and the next in line, Ava, so he had a lot of ground to make up!

I won't sugarcoat it and lie to the world here on my blog. He was a tough cookie- and still is at times- especially when it comes to his strong will and his independent nature. He has wanted to do things his way and on his own since about the 1 year mark. It's only been in the last few months that he is easier to "tame" and also his verbal skills are finally starting to develop and that makes things a bit better for all of us. Knowing that "Bobbie" means he wants to watch SpongeBob helps more than one would think!

I am just so grateful that he is smart, funny, healthy, happy (at least at various times throughout the days) and ready to learn and try new things all the time. Even if it means I've wanted to tear my hair out once in awhile. We're in this together and for the long-haul. Thankfully we have a relationship that was based in love from the very beginning. And love will see us all through!

So, to wrap this up I am going to share some random things I love about Crew being 3:

I love that he can make his own toast. It sort of gives me a small heart attack because I'm not sure what he's up to sometimes, but it makes him proud. Some of my older kids could take cooking lessons from him. Seriously.

I love that he wears Superman jammies and when he wakes up in the morning a lot of times he comes running right to me with his arms wide open ready to give and get a hug. It's a great way to start the day!

I love that he laughs at quirky things. He loves slapstick humor already.

I can't help but love that he gets mad when we tell him he can't drive a car yet. I think he gets that from Ava. She was so upset one day at age 4 that I wouldn't turn over my keys to her that she cried the whole way home from picking up the big kids from school. =)

I love that Crew loves "grown up food" over fast food or junk food, for the most part. He eats cereal/granola for several meals and snacks each week. He especially loves fresh fruit and berries on top. And he insists on pouring the milk on himself, so I give him a little cup of milk that enables him to do it without my help. He won't eat chicken fingers or cheeseburgers, but he does like corn dogs. And toast. See above. =)

I love that he stills gets way too tired and than "crashes" at nap time if/when he takes one. He has a point in the day where he needs a nap so badly, but he fights it just as hard. On the days that he takes one I often get to lay down on his bed and help him calm into sleepmode. I know he's there when he starts twisting his fingers in his hair on the top of his head. Sometimes he even makes little knots.

I love that, even though it makes me feel like I live on a prairie and I'm married to Charles Ingalls, Crew calls me "ma". It's most adorable when he says, "Thanks, Ma!" for whatever it is I happened to get for him at the time.

I love that he makes smiley faces on the driveway with chalk. He loves art time with paints, markers, crayons and LOVES playdough. But he's not so typical in that he hates to get any of it on his hands or clothes. How lucky does that make me?! =)

Okay. One more. I love that he doesn't hold back. Whether it's good or bad, he's in 100%. Which is why I sometimes want to tear my hair out, but I also know that the world holds something amazing for him and he's going to go get it with all of his heart. It might get broken a time or two... but whatever his dream is, he is not going to settle for anything less. There is a lesson in that for all of us. Even if I am a biased mom of a charming 3-year old boy.

Happy birthday to my Crewie as we sometimes call him. I am so glad to be the one to watch you grow, to teach you new things, to see you try and try and try some more, and to share the frosting from the beaters too. My life is forever better because of you! Love, Ma xoxo

They made it more fun!

My parents came for a visit from Minnesota last week and we sure appreciated all they did for us and to help us have a little more summer fun together. With a ratio of two adults to six kids considering the ages and special needs of three of them it's much more manageable to do activities with a couple more helpers. Grandma and Grandpa were more than helpers. They made life more enjoyable and eased some of the daily burdens that tend to weigh Chip and me down so much.

We spent an overnight at a cabin of our friends on Big Star Lake here in Michigan. It was perfect weather and there was a lot to do- including a boat, kayaks, tubing, building sand castles, relaxing and a family outing to the famous Jones' Ice Cream. My parents are so laid-back around our kids and just jump right in playing with them and doing other household projects like defrosting our upright freezer. Like I said... the fun stuff. =)

Chip and I marked our 16th wedding annivesary {on August 12th} and my mom made us a carrot cake- very similar to the one she made for us on our wedding day. I have to tell you this has probably been the hardest year for us on so many levels. More difficult even then the year we had our Old Depot incident. Some days Chip and I wonder how we manage to even stay together. For me it is proof that God exists. He is holding us together when we would rather split our problems in half or just let half the family have some breathing room to feel "normal" at times. I'm thankful for the miracle God keeps doing in our hearts and lives as He keeps us together. I hope we can look back years from now and see just how far we've come. But in the throws of the tough stuff it can be hard to see.

I'm still thankful for Chip sharing his life with me and we love each other to the core. It's just the fun isn't the same kind of fun we used to have and we're trying to live in the moments of wonderful that we do have each day and recognize that we are pretty lucky- evenso.

I think we know it inside.

My parents visit reminded me that we DO have so much to be grateful for. We DO have a lot of fun when we can make it happen and God DOES want to see our marriage through all seasons of our lives. I hope we're eating cake together- as a couple and as a family- for a long, long time.

Coke Floats & Pinky Promises.

Today our family is keeping in tradition for the 10th year and having Coke floats together to honor Teagan's memory and make a new one at the same time. It's our annual "Coke Float Day"! We never dreamed ten years ago that having a late night spontaneous Coke float with Teagan would become such a cherished memory. But as circumstances would have it, just one month later as I stood at her hospital bedside and wrapped her tiny pinky around mine and promised to love her forever, I said the most difficult goodbye in my life. I still can't fully wrap my mind around how life took such a dramatic and twisting turn in just a blink of an eye.

Sometime after Teagan died, and likely one of the days where all the strength I could muster went to feeding Wyndham bottles with medicine in it and the rest of my time was spent with tears streaming my face, I flipped through photos and recounted happy times we'd spent with Teagan. It was the one thing that I did to keep my mind off the hoorror of what we'd been through- I had to concentrate on how lucky we had been to have such a great little girl in our life and we had been blessed with lots of wonderful "ordinary" moments with her in 4 short years.

When June 30th rolled around that first year after losing Teagan, we made a special point of recreating the moment of Chip and Teagan's late night Coke Float with Brock. We wanted his life to have some happy times too- even as difficult as life had become for us. In doing so we found that not only did we get the chance to remember a wonderful time with Teagan, but it was a chance to turn our heartache into a new happy memory at the same time. And goodness knows our hearts needed opportunities for joy in life again!

We had lived and learned how quickly life changes unexpectedly and also just how quickly our days go by- no matter what is going on in them. Big stuff, little stuff; everyday, routine stuff, or extraordinary, amazing stuff!

You can click to enlarge the photos here to read the journaling on a scrap page I made when I first started scrapping back in 2006. I remembered this night with Teagan and Chip so clearly. If tragedy hadn't struck it would have just been one more picture among so many others I snapped through the years. But in light of what happened, it became a treasure and a gift that now lives on each year as Coke Float Day.

Our family will be "celebrating" this ordinary, special day out at Chip's golf club with some frothy mugs of root beer or coke and ice cream. But we invite you to join us by having your own round of Coke floats or whatever it is in your life that would be meaningful and memorable and fun. Don't wait for a "reason" to enjoy today. Don't wait for a crisis to be reminded that today is a gift- just as it is every single day! Pop some popcorn and enjoy a movie together, or go for a walk and feed some ducks at a nearby pond or bring a fresh bunch of flowers to a neighbor who needs a pick-me-up or even call a loved one that you haven't spoken to in a long while and say, "I've missed you and love you!" simply because you have the chance to do so.

We've lived through some dark, grief-stricken days and still have ongoing challenges that affect us every day. We've learned it's so important to take time and intentionally live in the moment. We aren't superheroes when it comes to happiness and sometimes the biggest life lesson we've learned from our heartache and loss of Teagan is to never take the little moments for granted. We're so thankful we had Coke float night with Teagan and we're so thankful that we can enjoy it each year (and sometimes several times each year!) with the rest of our kids too. We hope you are moved to take an ordinary moment in your life and make it memorable and extraordinary in your own special way because of the legacy Teagan left to us. She was truly a gift to us. To you, and to whoever chooses to celebrate life- in the big and little things. Happy Coke Float Day from the whole Ferlaak family today! Find something to celebrate!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I can't help but share a little bit of love with everyone that stops by here today. Heather (#36 in the comments from the previous post) is the winner of mail from me. But because I am feeling extra nice- or just nostalgic about handwritten mail- I've decided to pick one more person to get some mail from me. So leave another comment telling me your favorite dessert and I'll choose another person from these comments to get some mail.
But everyone wins today because I am passing along one of my Buttercream recipes! Yay for Valentine's, cupcakes, and homemade frosting that tastes divine, right?! This recipe is one from out of a children's book that I have made a couple of times. It's fairly easy and it is so creamy, sweet and velvety. We all love it around here! It makes enough for one cake or 24 cupcakes. Unless you like your frosting super thick. Then it will likely only cover 12 cupcakes for you. =)
Buttercream Icing
Ingredients:
4 Eggs
2/3 cup of sugar
1 cup butter, room temp (I use unsalted butter.)
1 tsp. vanilla extract
Directions: Whisk together egg whites and sugar in a bowl. Place bowl in a double boiler on low heat. Whisk occasionally until sugar is dissolved and mixture is very warm- about 150 degrees F. Remove from double boiler and whip with mixer on high speed until stiff peaks form. Put mixer on lower speed and add butter in small pieces. Next, add vanilla and mix until smooth.
Tint icing as you like.
Enjoy!!
P.S. Heather email me your address and I'll send you some mail! {nitty.grittyjodyatyahoodotcom}

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas from me and all my family- in Heaven and on earth. I've often wished for a photo with all of us looking into the camera at the same time. {Simple wishes!} This year we got it. So my new wish is that we'll all be looking at the camera next time AND that Wyndham will be back on her feet like the rest of us.

As always, we keep Teagan's memories close within our hearts and we thank God for the hope we await when we will celebrate and worship Him around His throne in glory. Someday!

Merry, merry Christmas to you.

Shining examples of love~

Today my parents are celebrating their 43rd wedding anniversary and I just want to let them know how happy I am for them! Although we live hundreds of miles apart, they are the biggest supporters of me and I am so thankful for their love for one another and for my family over the years.
They married young and had 5 kids and have been through many ups and downs through the years. They have worked and served alongside one another for nearly their entire married life. And they are still together and thriving- which is quite a testament of their love and devotion to each other and to God. My parents are not perfect and we have had our differences at certain stages in life, but I can honestly say that I am a better person for having them in my life. They are the first people I call when something goes right in my life. They are the first people I call when something goes wrong too, and I know that even through trembling words on the phone that they will offer comfort, prayer, advice and sympathy too. Their love has helped to carry me through some of the most trying times in my marriage and family life and that is a gift that I can't put a price tag on.
I am so happy for them to have each other in this world. They bring out the best in one another, and seek to bring out the best in others around them too. I know that God planned for them to meet and marry and build a life together before they were even born. I am humbled and grateful that they have been such an amazing example to me of love and faithfulness in so many aspects of life. I treasure them as parents and friends and hope that on this day they know their love has made a world of difference in mine.
Happy Anniversary, Dad and Mom. Thanks for being such a blessing to me and others in all you say and do. May God grant you more love and happiness in the years to come!