Home. Sweet. Home.

 

 

I almost don't know what to say. Life, as we start to settle into our new house, after just one week since our moving date is almost too good to be true. That's not to say that we haven't put in long days or worked hard for what we have. But all in all it has gone so much better and easier than Chip and I had anticipated.
We have already enjoyed the early morning sunrises, with beautiful pinks and orange hues right outside our bedroom window. We have checked out the local Farmers' Market and have enjoyed cooking some meals and making brownies in our new kitchen as we get unpacked and make it feel like home around here. The space just seems to work so well for the needs of our family, and having a clean slate to set up has gone smoothly just having it be fresh and clean too!
Today half of our kids started school. They are at three different schools and each of them seemed comfortable and even a bit excited about the new changes ahead of them. I have done a lot of praying about the friends they will meet and make, and I know they are ready to be challenged and grow in many ways as a result of this new experience in their lives too. Wyndham still has a few details to be worked out before she starts her classes and therapies, and Crew is in the registration process for starting preschool too. The house could get very quiet around here on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursday mornings! I haven't been home with just one child in years!
I am pleased to tell you that Cocoa Daisy's September kit~ 5th and Main ~ is available for purchase now! You can get some of the extra papers too. The rest of the add-ons and The Day in the Life kit have sold out, but as you can see, the main kit is still full of so many great items that I can't wait to get back out of boxes and get to scrapping again! I have lots of unpacking to do when it comes to the kids' closets, my scrapbook space and we have a few big purchases to make- including the bed we are thinking about pictured above. SO much going on in such a short amount of time! It sort of makes my head spin when I pause to think about all of it. But at the same time it truly feels like home here already. It's as if a weight was lifted off of our shoulders when we moved into this place. I don't fully know how or why that it, but I can honestly tell you that it feels good.
So good in fact, that I am about to go make chocolate chip cookies so the kids have a yummy first-day-back-to-school snack when they walk in the door. Oh yes, for now anyway, life is sweet. and this place feels like Home.Sweet.Home.

I owe them a big "thanks"!

Chip's mom, Karen, commented to me on FB that her memories of our wedding day vary just a bit from the ones I have written about here the past couple of days. I knew that all along, but when she made mention of it and as I thought about it I realized I probably never thanked Chip's parents enough for all they did do for us that day. I maybe thought our smiles and joy through that day spoke for themselves. I hope I said thank you back then. But after 17 years, my memory is a bit fuzzy when it comes to the kind of thank you I may or may not have said.
So today I am remembering back to our beautiful wedding day and I am making sure that my thank you is loud and clear. =) THANK YOU, John and Karen for everything you did to help make our wedding day one to remember so fondly. You see, most of the time the parents of the bride are all a flurry before and on the wedding day. There's no doubt my parents were busy with extra demands at that time because of our wedding. But in our case, Chip's parents bore most of the 'burden' of the actual event.
Chip and I had been attending church together when we dated and during our year engagement. But it wasn't the kind of place we would have held our ceremony in- as the church was meeting in a high school auditorium at that time. We spent several hours looking at different churches and parks for a location to have our wedding, but nothing was working out for us and in frustration and because we were running out of options we decided to pose the question of using Chip's parents' backyard as our location site. It seemed very plausible to Chip and me, but I do remember feeling like I was holding my breath while we presented our idea to them and waited for their objections. I am sure there head to be some objections. But I guess we were either very convincing, very pathetic, very naive, or maybe a combination of all of them and the next thing I knew Chip and I were excited to know that we now had a place for us to be married.
We didn't think much about the weather {see previous post}. =) I don't recall being concerned about bathroom space, or how much time and energy would need to go into preparing the gardens and yard. I do remember wondering and discussing a bit how the parking arrangements would work for all our guests, but I also recall not caring too mch because I knew I would have a 'front spot'. How selfish of me...yet how absolutely true about me at that time too. I just wanted everything to work out. So the less I worried or made something "my problem" the easier it was to deal with! How nice if I could still live that way, right?! =)
In addition to hosting what ended up being about 175 guests, Karen also made my wedding dress. She made my veil too. She made all of the bridesmaids dresses as well. She tended the garden. She had two teenagers at home at that time. One had a broken leg. Seventeen years later and with an abundance of life experiences under my own belt now, I have a much greater appreciation for all she did for me to pull off our wedding. She must not have slept for the whole month of July and those first 11 days of August that summer. I have no idea how she did it. But I do know I owe her a big thanks. Even all these years later.
I couldn't help but think that after all the planning and sewing and cleaning and rearranging and gardening and everything else that she and John did, that when they finally took their seats in the heat of the sun under the tent with the rose arbor and blooming garden and pool as the backdrop to Chip and I saying their vows, they probably just wanted to breathe for a moment and take it all in. I imagined my own self sitting down in a chair seeing the happiness on my son's face as he is about to make the biggest commitment in his life. I thought about how Chip's mom must have felt. All the times she had sat out in that back yard and watched Chip play with his siblings and neighbors. All the hours she spent waiting for him to come home from the hospital as he had been an extrememly sick, premature baby when he was born. All the memories of him growing and changing and becoming the man who stood before her in her garden. She had put years of hard work into that day. And I apologize now for hardly giving it a second thought.
If ever I owed someone a thanks, it is more than fitting for me to say it here to Chip's mom, Karen, and to his dad, John, as I reflect back on August 12th, 1995. Without them it never would have happened the way it did. Without them my memories of my wedding day would have looked very different. So it is with this understanding and with my most sincere gratitude that I say thank you. Thank you for your part in making our wedding day the most beautiful, special day that it was. Thank you for your hard work, your years of helping to shape Chip into the man of character that he is. Thank you for supporting us as a couple and loving us enough to make even our most outlandish ideas come true. We are so glad for the part you played in our lives and in our wedding day. I am sure Chip would love to join me in saying, "thanks" to you today and for everything you've done for us throughout all our married lives too. We love and appreciate you! 

My most sincere thanks.

Our family went out for pizza to celebrate my mom's birthday this past Friday. It was a wonderful spot {Pizzeria Lola in Minneapolis} and fantastic food too! I love when that happens; when a night out exceeds my expectations. It was just dinner and spending time with my family (except that Bella and Ava are with Chip's parents up north for a week of Grandma Camp, so we missed them, but they are having their own fun!), but it was a really nice treat to just enjoy each other's company and a great meal at the same time. I just had to post a picture of our dessert too. The pizzas are outstanding and one-of-a-kind. This sundae topped it all off. It's homemade vanilla soft-serve drizzled with olive oil and cacao nibs too. I could have eaten a dozen of those sundaes. Luckily Crew kept pushing my spoon away and so he saved me a few calories and indulged himself for me. =)
There happens to be a photobooth in the restaurant. Chip dragged me in there with him. {ha!} You know that's only partly true. He knows how much I love photobooths and so he invited me to join him and I happily went in for a few snapshots. It was just one of those nights wherelife felt really good. We had a little bit of drama and fussing from Teague on our ride home...and Crew complained of being car sick, but for us that's nothing. =) I can' help but look at these photos again, in light of the anniversary of Teagan' death and our incident at the Old Depot, which is coming up this Sunday.
The days line up perfectly to the dates that fateful July 2001, so maybe that is why my awareness and memories seem heightened. Maybe it is in light of the clouds that have lifted and my realization of just "how good I have it" truly is in my life right now. I am not entirely sure. But nonetheless my thoughts turn back over a decade to that time in our lives in contrast to the backdrop of these photos and our place in the world right now.
And do you know what first comes to my mind when I look at Chip and me smiling from a pizzera photobooth? It's not, "oh ,what a cute couple" or "wow, they are doing so great". Which I happen to agree with. tee hee...I joke. The truth is when I look at these pictures I think to myself, "I never would have imagined we would smile like this again. We have a lot of people to thank for that!" Yes. My thoughts turn to the people who have loved us, supported us, walked with us, cried with us, helped us laugh again, listened to our stories through our tears and theirs, made us want to believe in happiness again, or let us into their own pain so that we might not feel all alone in ours. Many of those people are YOU! The fact that you are reading this- no matter if this is your first post or 1200th post, I owe you a big thank you.
One of the scariest parts of grieving and living out such a 'high-profile story' all those years ago is that we were suddenly a big story in our small town and as a result there was no way to "hide" our pain and grief. I wrote about it some in my previous post. Our hurt was so big and enormous that sometimes simply walking into a grocery store would cause someone we knew and met in the aisles as we shopped burst into tears too. Our hurt was other people's hurt too. And that was hard for me. Hard because no matter where we went or what we did someone would ask us how we were doing and our nightmare was front and center all the time.
But as time went on I realized therein lies the gift of our pain and tragedy too. We COULDN'T hide it. We couldn't avoid people saying they were caring and praying for us. We had strangers sending us cards for months afterwards. We had people all over the world wishing us strength and healing and comfort. As I look at our smiling faces in the photobooth picture this day, I recognize and honor the prayers and outpouring of people from far and wide. We NEEDED that kind of support. We absolutely know that the prayers of many sustained us when our trials seemed to much to bear alone. I doubt Chip and I would be together if it weren't for the love and care and prayers of friends, family and strangers {which includes some of you blog readers!} from the first moment on. Today I write to say, "Thank you". From the bottom of my heart I want to say thanks.
I know it isn't "easy" to come alongside someone whose hurt and pain and sorrow in life you have never 'tasted' or known. So it means even more to me to those who have opened your hearts to our hurt. To our 'story'. To reach out in whatever way you have is to show great compassion. I recall times in my life when I heard about or knew people who were experiencing life's tragedy and loss in a big way. Sometimes I even remember distancing myself from them because I simply couldn't think of what I could say to ease their pain. There was nothing. Oftentimes that's just the way it is. Life can throw such curveballs that even those closest to the hurt don't know what to say. Sometimes it is "easier" to just back away.
But then there are people, who have such sensitivity or are so compelled to just be or do or say something to the wounded, and those are the people- you are the people- that Chip and I have to thank for the smiles in our pictures a decade later. There were days I was so consumed with the rawness of my breaking heart that Chip would walk through the door and find me weeping, my shirt soaked through from hours of tears, and he would sit next to me or wrap me in his arms. Sometimes he would just hold me. Sometimes his eyes would well up and he would sob with me. Sometimes we would just look at one another and try to grasp how we would ever be happy in life again. It seemed impossible. It seemed as though our lifetime would be too short for us to journey to happiness again.
These pictures amaze me, to tell you the truth. To see that we are happy- and not just faking our smiles- but we are truly filled with joy in life at times- well, that is a wonder to me. It is nothing short of a miracle as I think back to those dark days and as we prepare to mark another annivesary and year lived beyond our grief. Behin our smiles we hold Teagan's memory close. She is and always will be a special part of our lives. But I can't deny that our sorrow and grief is now more than a distant memory. It is sometimes the backdrop and basis for the happiness we do experience. Our smiles mean more to me now than they did before. I know what it has taken for us to get to this point. Our tragedy hasn't smothered us and jaded us, but it has made us appreciate more. Especially the simple things; the ordinary moments; the small happinesses in life, like a sunny night out for pizza and ice cream.
In light of the Colorado movie theater shooting, I am brought back to that place how our lives turned upside-down in one instant. I know that we never have a guarantee in life. Our next breath, the next day we're given is a gift. Every single time. There are people who will hurt in this life in grand ways. There are those of you, those of us, who can come alongside of them and make them believe in brighter days. Today, my heart is full of gratitude to every one of you who has cared for us and prayed us through. For those who have raised a frothy Coke Float in memory of Teagan and in order to make a new memory of your own. For those who wished our hearts would ever heal again after such a loss, I thank you for wishing that kind of goodness and blessing on us. For those who still listen and enter in to our world and care to be friends with us no matter the cost to you I say, "thanks". You are a gift. You are reason for us to smile. You are the reason that I blog and share so much- because you care about us- good and bad and everything in between. Today I simply say to you, my most sincere thanks.

Standard of measurment~

{Click for larger photos, if you like.}
I have to tell you something about me. Maybe some of you know it already. Maybe some of you have seen this particular issue I struggle with in person. Maybe some of you struggle with the same thing.
It's that little thing called self-image.
You know... the way we see ourselves.
Well, the truth is I don't always have a nice picture of myself in my head. I don't always feel inside like the person others sometimes see on the outside.
I honestly can pinpoint certain times in my life and events that really shaped- or should I say 'mis-shaped' the person I am.
It certainly didn't come from my parents. Or my extended family or even close friends. Nope. Those people have loved me for who I am and have been for my whole life. My parents always made me feel that I was unique, important and most assuredly let me know they loved me and God loved me. From the earliest age I have memories I already knew I was loved.
I was even likable and funny most of my school years.
But in middle school I most remember not liking myself. I was a great student. I was a class clown in a lot of my classes. But I was slightly chubby for my height. I was almost always the shortest kid in my classes and certainly felt "bigger" than a lot of the pretty girls I went to school and church with. My older sister was always- ALWAYS- taller and thinner than me. Even if I went on more walks than her.
It was hard not to compare myself to other kids around me...and you know what? It sometimes still is hard for me to not compare myself to others. Thankfully I have grown up a lot, matured a little bit (what? I have!), and learned to love me for who I am. All grown up.
But there are lots of areas besides my weight, height and hair color that I can compare myself to others- things like how big my house is; are my kids happy like other kids? Do my spouse and me have as much time or fun or happiness as other married friends do? And the list goes on and on.
We live in a world that loves to compare and contrast. It loves to measure people by monetary standards, and happiness standards and success standards and... I think you know. If someone can measure or compare it, it happens. Whether consciously or subconsciously. We stack our stuff- our bodies and looks and pocketbooks and families and divorce rates and home values and whatever we have or are gets put on some sort of scale.
I sometimes feel overwhelmed as a mom of 6 kids at home, that I have to shield my young kids, or at least be responsible for the pressures they feel or will feel to "measure up" in this world. I sometimes feel a weight on my shoulders that I know I can never be big enough to lift. I just don't have enough power or ability to keep the messages and comparisons that inevitably will come their way at bay. The media is a big source for many of us for setting our measurement "standards". It's why advertising does or doesn't work that well.
Where am I going with all of this anyway? I'm not 100% sure, but I will say this...I think it's a big deal and I really wish it wasn't. I will say that I have gotten much better and more realistic about my standards of measurements over the past several years too. I feel very lucky and blessed to be married to a husband who loves me at size 6 just as much as size 16. He loves me when I make waffles too many nights a week for dinner just as much as when I make Greek Spaghetti. I am lucky to have been raised and loved by family, friends and to know that God sees me as lovable and worthy ALL THE TIME.
I feel lucky and blessed that I don't have to wonder about my self worth. I know nothing can make me a better person- things like plastic surgery or a new pair of shoes or owning the biggest diamond with the highest degree of clarity. I know that "stuff" can't change who I am and should never be the standard for which I try to measure up.
I guess I am pouring out my heart on the subject because sometimes it seems like we need reminders in life about these sorts of things. I am writing to remind myself. I am writing because as Thanksgiving approaches I want to be conscious and grateful of things that truly ARE blessings in life. And not just making a check-list of things I am grateful to have. I don't want to create a spreadsheet to document the things that society seems to want us to measure our worth by.
These thoughts come in large part to our upcoming move and all the details that we are working on right now. Things like de-cluttering and looking at our next house and the schools our kids will go to and just being mindful that even though I don't cook the best meals, or keep the neatest house, or even have nice family photos taken with just the right amount of natural sunlight and flare in them doesn't add or take away any of my worth or the worth of anyone around me.
I want to look at myself and like me for me. No.
I want to love me for me. For those scars I blogged a few posts ago. For the trials that I have endured and yet somehow have still managed to find ways to smile and love in life again. I want the people around me to know the real me. And love that paerson too. Not just the one they see with make-up on and seems to have it all together. I want my kids to know I love them- no matter their test scores or if they can even walk a flight of stairs or use the potty by themself. I want them to know that our standard of measurements are different than the ones they will likely encounter in the world. I want everyone to know that God loves each of us- not because we are perfect- but because we are imperfect and we recognize we need Him in order to be complete.
Whatever it is that you feel inadequate about today, I hope that you will pause and take a look in the "right mirror" and see if maybe you are judging to harshly. I am ready and feel like I am on a path of feeling more free, more happy and more ready to let go of needing to measure up. In lots of areas of my life. I'll never be the tallest or prettiest or smartest or richest or lots of other things. But I know that I can still be the best me I was made to be.

Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days...

Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days. Not counting Leap Years. That's a whole lot of missing.
I know.
That's how long it's been since I last kissed my daughter, Teagan. That's how many days my heart has wished I could turn back the hands of time. That's the number of times I've awoke in the morning and wished my reality was just a bad dream from which I could awaken from.
A whole decade of letting that reality sink in still hasn't changed the clarity of my memories of "that day". The one where everything I had learned and believed up to that point in my life would be shaken and tested. Ten years have passed and my heart rate still jumps at certain sights, sounds, smells and those triggers bring me right back to that day. They are etched, as few other memories in my life are, in such detail and wrapped up in the greatest pain I have ever felt. Sometimes I close my eyes and start to bring them to mind and all these years later I still find I need to catch my breath as those pictures unfold in my memory.
The crash. The screams. The slow-motion of it all. The disbelief and unreal feeling feeling all too real. The sense of urgency outweighing the terror I felt creeping in. The horror I was trying not to let in just kept unfolding unlike any dream I could have ever dreamed on my own. The weight of Teagan's limp body in my arms as I carried her several paces and then realized I had no where to go so I stopped and laid her down. That's the part when it all began to seem achingly real.
I kept hearing myself say, "Oh God... oh, God... oh, God... please."
Please, what?
Please, help. Please, NO! Please don't let this be us... just please, oh, please!
But it was us. And them.
And.
Her.
* * *
There is a story in the Bible where someone asks Jesus how many times must you forgive someone when they sin against you. One time? Two? Three? Seven?
Jesus' reply is "Not seven times, but seventy times seven."
Four hundred and ninety times.
That's an awful lot of forgiveness.
I used to wonder (as a young girl growing up as a Pastor's kid and hearing these stories often) why would Jesus pick some a random, big, crazy number? I used to think it was way too much. Who would ever need to forgive someone that many times... 490 times?
I certainly never dreamed it would be me. Moreover, I most certainly never dreamed that not only would I have to choose to forgive seventy times seven, but even hundreds more times than that.
Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty times. In just the first 10 years alone.
Forgiveness is a choice. I choose daily to forgive.
But I must confess and be truthful too and tell you that sometimes I fail. Some days I have desired forgiveness in my heart and soul, yet I have fallen short in living it out in the actions of my life that day. I have claimed forgiveness to be so, but it hasn't always been true in the thoughts of my mind. I have even "fought it" on particularly tough days that simply haven't felt fair for me to forgive. There have been lots of tough days over the past 10 years. There have been lots of days where I have felt life to be unfair.
But it isn't my place to decide when or why or how or where. As much as I would like to choose which days I can forgive fully and which days I can just skip that part, I know I am not the one who gets to decide. I am not the one chosen to hand out the punishment or sentence. I was chosen for something else. I am asked to forgive out of the overflow of forgiveness given to me. I am asked to show mercy where none is deserved. I have been shown grace and in such an act given to me even when I was less than, I am changed and now I know it is grace that I can extend to another who is less than too.
Ten years ago I was "doing everything right". I was a middle-class, tax-paying, home-keeping, church-going, hard-working wife and mom to three young kids who just happened to sit down around a table at a restaurant with my family in hopes of simply enjoying a simple Sunday brunch together. However, the actions of another forever changed the way I now look at life.
I wish I could say that my scars have healed and that we've blossomed into a family that lives life to the fullest and has learned to leave our worries behind.
The fact is that 10 years later I still feel an ache inside on a lot of days. Sometimes I even mutter the words, "I forgive you" outloud just to try to make myself believe that truth and hopefully feel it a bit more clearly inside. I know I have forgiven. I have claimed it over and over and I do feel it has changed the way I live. But it is still oftentimes a conscious choice- or should I say a surrender on my part to claim that forgiveness. I'll even admit that it's still a lesson I wish I never had to learn. Yet it seems to be the life lesson I've needed most.
I am nothing.
Teagan was nothing.
The one who turned our lives upside-down is nothing.
We all are nothing.
Without Him.
Without His Grace.
Without His Forgiveness. Without His love and mercy and compassion and healing.
I choose to believe that His ways are not my ways; His are higher and perfect and Just.
Good even.
Even when I don't feel it. Even when I have to pick up my cross daily and claim it to be true.
I will.
For 10 years I have.
It hasn't always been easy. Or nice. Or pretty.
Or wrought with showers of blessings- as the old hymn says.
I'll be honest.
It hurts.
A lot of days it still hurts.
Teagan was my light~ my delight~ she was irreplaceable and there is still a void in my heart and forever will bein my life where I feel she should be. Where I miss everything about her.
Wyndham too is a daily reminder of the most hurtful day of our lives as we continue to watch her struggle to do many of the "normal" things others can do. We see her suffer pains in her life that many will never know. With each diaper change and never-ending trips to and from therapy sessions we are reminded that some hurts will never go away. We have learned to live with them.
Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days ago the sky was blue, the sun was shining down and somehow our lives suddenly erupted with chaos all around.
Ten years later we've "righted" a lot of things. We've learned to laugh through our tears. We've learned to hold on to even the tiniest threads of hope at times. We've chosen to forgive and to live that and truly mean it- not simply mouth the words. We've healed more than we could have imagined we could or would- both inside and out. We've loved again. We've believed in brighter days. We've brought more kids into the world that at times felt empty and dark. We've witnessed happiness and beauty and joy and miracles.
We have walked a long, winding, twisted path that still doesn't always seem like the path to be on, but we know that faith sometimes asks us to walk places we would rather not go. Faith often means we must take the next step no matter what lies around the next turn. It means being willing to trust, simply because we know and believe in the One who is leading- He can be trusted.
Ten years of remembering. Of missing. Of wishing it all different. Of wanting things to never change from the way they were. Ten years of tears that feel like they'll never stop- then finding moments of joy in the midst of them. Ten years of forgiving and hoping and believing that it makes a difference. In us. In her. In anyone who wonders if it even does make a difference in life to forgive.
The answer is yes. It does. It can. It will.
If you allow it to.
I'll never stop remembering Teagan. I'll never stop missing her. I'll never stop loving her. Or telling stories about her to anyone that is willing to listen. I'll never stop wanting to live life more fully because of her. She is and always will be thelove of my heart.
I forgive, not because of her, but because of Him.
I follow- because He is faithful.
I believe- because He promises to make all things new.
I hope- because He gives mercy.
I am changed, not because of one day in my life, but because of what He did one day for me. I am changed because of who HE is. I still give Him the broken, messed up pieces of my heart and life and trust that even as He redeems the brokeness that it's not for my sake.
But for His glory.
As I think back to the horror of that day- July 29th, 2001- it's scary and terrifying and ugly and gloomy and filled with despair. Yet somehow God has brought good out of it. Even when I don't notice the goodness. Sometimes it's hard to see it very often; that's been especially true in our lives the past several months. But looking back has made me realize just how great God is. I still have a whole future of choosing forgiveness and giving our hurts and challenges to Him.
I know, without a doubt, as I have had 10 years- three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days- of daily reminders that He is seeing us through! Today I pause to reflect and to humbly give thanks to God for bringing us this far.

Pointing out greatness.

I didn't like myself all that much from about 5th grade through my senior year in college. I'm not totally sure why that is and there are really about a million reasons I can recall all at the same time. I do remember {and still have the paper somewhere} that in 9th grade I wrote myself a note about things I would do if I ever became a parent. One was that I would praise my kids simply for who they were. Not based on anything physical or tied to an academic achievement or a sports award- just praise for who they are from the inside. Praise due them because of what lies at the core of their heart and in turn what comes out to others around them.

Today I just want to brag "publicly" on my son, Brock. He is 12 years old and in middle school and happens to be the most amazing 'tween' I know. I feel so lucky to have him, not only as my son, but as my oldest kid and my biggest helper in our home. He could easily carry a chip on his shoulder from some of the life experiences he has lived through and endured. Instead, he so often rises to the occasion- without my asking- to just spread love and happiness and goodness to people {especially his family} around him. He is a pleaser and I don't think I tell him thank you enough for all he does to make life easier and better in and around our home.

He has a big heart and is sensitive, but funny at the same time. He puts up with an awful lot from his little brothers and sisters, and the demands of Wyndham seem to just make him more grateful for his own abilities. I'm quite certain I haven't taught him most of the things that make me love him so much. They simply are just a part of who he is. I don't think he is remotely aware of how "great" he is, and even less aware of how much he can impact others and the world around him as he continues to grow and learn and become more of who he is created to be. He is still very much a 'blank canvas'- full of potential to do so many things with his life. Today I just wanted to capture my thoughts about him and hope that he grows up not only loving others well, but himself well too. The world can never have too much greatness. I am humbled and glad to be the one God chose to help guide him into whatever it is he is called to be in this world.

To Brock,

You have a special knack of making people laugh when they feel like crying. You bring out the best smiles in everyone around you. You strive to be better than you were the day before, and you make me want to do the same. That's called inspiring- you are full of it and I'm so glad you share it so freely.

I hope the world gives you half of the dreams you hope for and that the other half surprise you and make your life more than you ever imagined it could be. I know God has had a special plan for your life since even before you were born. I'm thankful that He sent you to touch my heart and life and I'm the lucky one to watch you grow up each day.

Your wit and sense of humor and sarcasm brighten my life and I hope you know - even though I fail to point it out too often- that I think you're amazing.

I will always love and support whatever you choose to do and I know your future holds greatness too. Simply because you will be in it. You are destined for it and nothing can hold you back from whatever it is that God has in store for you.

I'm so grateful for you.

I'm so humbled by you.

I'm so glad you're mine.

I'm so filled with pride of who you are.

Now and always.

I love you, Brock.

Mom

All things considered...

See these smiles and that happy face? Well, I know you can sense the struggles in my life right now, but the fact is I am still one lucky lady- all things considered. I am one who knows full well that even on my darkest days I still have so much to be thankful for and that my life holds many blessings. I'm not unaware of that.

Simply knowing that Jesus love has covered my sins and secured a place for me in Heaven is more than enough to satisfy my soul. But as a human and a stressed out one at times I lose sight of that. Hence the feeling of being overwhelmed and wishing things different for a long while now. But today. Today is another day. A new day. A day to see blessing. To feel grateful. To behold the blessings and gifts in my life- whether they are covered in sweet potatoes or dirt or markers. It's a day to thank God that things are as good as they are- when they could indeed be much worse. My heart goes out to so many friends and family I know who are battling life-threatening illnesses, mourning loved ones and lost dreams, and to those most recently touched by tragedy of nature in the tsunami/earthquake in Japan.

I have it pretty good and I must say that to focus on that makes a happy heart. Blessings to you wherever you are in this big world of ours. May your heart be secure about your eternity and be happy for today as a result.

Our colorful start...

Tomorrow (August 12th) Chip and I will celebrate our 15th wedding annivesary and so I thought it would be fun to share a few photos and thoughts of how it all began. Fifteen years ago it was 1995; I was 22 and Chip was 27 years old. We had dated since January 1994 and were engaged in June that same year. We thought that we had been through a lot- both good and bad by that time, and we were ready to take on the world. Together.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had no fears or reservations- only excitement and happiness inside! It felt like one of the most "right" things to do- I think I can speak for both of us when I say that. {Right, Chip?!} We had counted down the days, planned and prepared and looked forward to whatever life held for us from that day on.

The day started out overcast and quickly turned into Minnesota summer showers. I held my breath and hoped that the sun would come out just long enough for us to pull off our poolside/garden ceremony that we had set up in Chip's parent's backyard. I got my wish along with some major heat and humidity too! The rest of the day went just as we had planned. Family and friends surrounded us and shared the moments with us in which we vowed our love to one another and invited God to be at the center of it all.

Now, fifteen years later I can honestly say that it has been nothing like I imagined wedded life would be. Chip and I have not only been through some of life's darkest trials together, but we've faced things I never even dreamed. I had entered into a commitment with Chip thinking it would just be "us" forever- there were no kids in our future. We were both so surprised when on our first annivesary we learned that those plans had changed. Teagan arrived and changed my focus and heart toward kids. Then came Brock and Wyndham and a few moves across the country and the purchase of our first home and some financial worries {for me anyway} and then medical crisis for Wyndham and soon after, we even said our good-byes to Teagan forever- this side of Heaven.

In my wildest dreams, as we stood hand-in-hand on our wedding day, I never could have pictured how things would play out in the story of our life together. To think that we've been blessed with Isabella and Ava and Crew and now any minute another little baby will join our story, seems surreal at times. There have been moments where life felt like it couldn't get any sweeter... and other times when we were ready to give up on hope and each other for the simple fact that it just seemed as though it would be easier that way.

Thank goodness for me {and hopefully Chip would say for him too} I married a man who doesn't give up even when the world is stacked against us. He has no desire to "take the easy route" in life and I've seen him at his best sometimes when presented with challenges that would make others throw in the towel. He is fiercely competitive at his very core- but inside that same heart of his is a passion and love for me and all our family that shows itself so clearly- and makes my worries melt away whenever I am at my final straw too. He seems to know just how much of the world we can carry, and never tires of bearing more than his fair share through the years.

I consider myself to be blessed beyond measure when it comes to having Chip at my side. When we first met I would have told you that we were 'all wrong' for each other. But thankfully God knew what He had in store for us. I am so glad that Chip was persistent and bold and ready to romance me and then assure me that I was the right one for him all those years ago. I am thankful time and time again that God spared Chip's life- when our world crashed in and around us. I don't know that I would have survived such a loss without growing bitter and allowing my heart to grow cold for the rest of my days.

I have learned that marriage is hard- even on the good days, but is more than worth fighting for, even if we only lived 'bad days' from here on out. I would want those days to be with Chip and feel humbled and privileged at the same time, that I get to spend my life with him. Although I have no idea what the rest of our story will tell from this day on, I do know that it will be wrought with beauty and blessing and likely more challenges too. I look forward to whatever our future holds- as long as Chip is at my side. For 15 years now, my faith has grown, my love has deepened, my belief in us-with God at the center-has only affirmed that no matter how winding the path may be, it will never be more than we can bear.

Together.

* * * * *

To Chip, my husband and best friend,

May you always know that my heart holds nothing but love for you- even when the outward me has a hard time making you believe that as truth. I swore my love and devotion to you nearly 15 years ago and I meant every word. I still do and probably owe you many apologies from that day forward too. I know you love me with all your heart and there's something still so magical and wonderful and comforting in that. I don't take you for granted and hope I never will.

I thank God that He brought us together and planned things we never did. It has been a wild ride, but as the journey continues to unfold I know you and I are meant to live it together. For better; for worse- until death do us part.

Happy anniversary to us. Thank you a million times over for asking me to be yours. I am forever changed for the better.

All my love, Jody

xoxo

Summertime and siblings and smiles...

It's really summertime- July already! We had a great Coke Float night as a family but didn't really get the best photos out of our time together. The mugs were frosty though and the kids were happy to sip their drinks and get cart rides at the golf course as well. Thanks to so many of you who emailed me notes and/or photos of your family celebrating together too! It always feels like the official "kick-off" of remembering Teagan from now til the end of the month. There were lots of great times that July of 2001, and of course, there is the sorrow and hurt that always lurks as the 29th and 30th approaches. Thankfully, we have lots of smiles to recall and new ones we're capturing right now too, and so it goes in summertime for us!

The past week or so we have been enjoying the heat, sun and air conditioning too. =) We've gone through lots of popsicles and ice pops and the sprinklers run to keep the lawn watered and the kids happy at the same time too! I was just looking through some of the photos I snapped this week and recalling how Ava and Crew had a special connection being the youngest and at home together when he was first born. It's amazing to me just how quickly the age gap closes and they find similar interests {like sprinklers and popsicles!} and develop a unique bond even at this young age. Crew has taken quite an interest in posing and looking right into the camera, so that makes me happy too. I will admit that I am sensing some "fear" as I try to imagine how he will react to a new baby and suddenly join the ranks as an 'older kid' just like his other siblings. I am hoping for a smooth transition and we've never had jealousy issues in the past, but as I know full well, there's a first time for everything, so we'll have to wait and see! We're approaching the countdown and already are only about 6 weeks away from meeting our new baby face-to-face.

With this month of July in full-swing I do find myself emotional, thoughtful and always grateful that God goes ahead of me and knows exactly what is planned for us- being mindful that He is love and is never taken by surprise! Whether or not you need encouragement or comforting from life's hurt, or even Hope for something that is spinning out of control in your life, I hope you can sense that God is bigger than all of it and when you trust Him in everything He never lets you down!

I've lived and learned that lesson more than once in my lifetime, and hope that no matter how much disappointment or joy my family experiences in life, that they will rest in the promise of God's unchanging character. He is good. ALL the time.

Right now we are fortunate to be enjoying "mostly good" and we're so grateful for summer, blessings, and the promise of things yet to come!

It must be more than luck...

We feel blessed and grateful to have a wonderful, caring, involved Dad in our lives! He's not perfect, but sure has a lot of great qualities and one that stands out above the others is the way he is able to show his love to each of his kids individually. They love him right back in their own ways, and it just seems to be something so much more than luck. The relationship between this dad and his kids is a gift that goes both ways. I'm sure Chip would say he is luckiest to have these kids as a part of his life, and the kids would all say they wouldn't want any other dad than him.
It was quite a feat to get the kids to take individual photos on the front step this week, but they were all smiles when I pointed the camera at them and said, "Smile for Daddy!". Chip has stolen each of their hearts as only he can. We just want to tell him that he is loved and adored and appreciated each and everyday by our whole family. We're so glad to be the ones to hug and kiss you and laugh and play with you every day. Thanks for being such a devoted Dad!! Happy Father's Day from your angel in Heaven Teagan, Brock, Wyndham, Bella, Ava, Crew and even Baby who-still-needs-a-name. xo xo xo xo xo xo xo {That's a lot of hugs and kisses... and we'll always have more for you!}

Whirlwind weekend

Chip and I had an amazing Memorial Day weekend. It was one filled with patriotism, honoring and remembering fallen and disabled heroes and their families, as well as celebration of the game of golf and all the fun that our freedom entitles each of us in this great nation in which we live. We spent the weekend at the brand new Patriot Golf Club- it opened just a week ago just outside of Tulsa, OK. The city skyline makes a beautiful backdrop right off the first tee box. It's a wonderful view!

The event/course and The Folds of Honor Foundation was the vision and dream of Chip's boss and golf club owner, Major Dan Rooney. {He and his wife, Jacy, are pictured with us in the second to last photo.} Dan and his family have become great friends to us over the years and we were thrilled to be able to join them for this special and inspiration inaugural event. Chip was thrilled to golf not just once or twice, but with touring PGA pro, Brad Faxon, for his third round. We met some great people all weekend, including golf superstar, Rickie Fowler. None of the pros asked for a dime in return for their time and appearance. Vince Gill not only golfed {and won the event with his team}, but also ate dinner at the event and then closed it out with a private concert for about 750 of us in attendance at the Hard Rock Hotel in Tulsa. It was a grand and emotionally moving occasion, indeed! My sister, Jacque and her husband Dave joined us all weekend as our guests. They live in Las Vegas and we rarely see one another. So not only were the daily activites fun and exciting, but we also had a small family reunion going on at the same time. I couldn't have asked for a better trip. Except for a few details- like the 95 degree heat making my feet swell so much that I couldn't even wear a couple of my sandals. And then there was the lack of sleep- for so many things going on. One other thing these photos don't reveal is that Chip and I were paged at the Tulsa airport (I've never heard my name over an airport loudspeaker before and hope I never do again!)and had to run from security checkpoint to our gate. Which {always!} happened to be about as far down the concourse as possible. I thought I could land in premature delivery, but finally managed to catch my breath and the flights home went smoothly- so it all ended well. =)

The kids had a wonderful family taking care of them while we were away. Crew gave us the biggest, tightest hugs when he saw us at home again, but the others were actually a bit bummed we came home earlier than they had planned. They wanted to go swimming another afternoon and had had so much fun they didn't really mind that we'd been gone. That's just the way I wanted it to be.

I am glad it all went better than I imagined it would be. I also look forward to the next time Chip and I can get away and hopefully it will be for an equally worthy cause! There's something special about not just vacationing, but knowing you are doing something good at the same time.

Blogging from Oklahoma!

What a week we've had! Between end-of-the year school parties and cupcakes and summer temps and Ava's kindergarten graduation I was definitely busier than usual. And usual is generally busy all its own! Extra-busy is good though- even kind of wonderful this time around!
Chip and I are away together in Tulsa taking in the activities and supporting his boss and friend, Dan Rooney, as he hosts the inaugural Patriot Cup event at his brand new golf course, The Patriot. We have already enjoyed the spectactular views of the course and tomorrow we are excited to attend the gala evening with Vince Gill honoring of families of disabled and fallen heros and supporting the Fallen Heros Foundation. Such a worthy cause! We are honored to be invited to such an event and to not only be able to get away for this amazing weekend, but also to know that our kids are getting great care and enjoying their time with some wonderful family friends too. To top it off, my sister and her husband joined us here in Tulsa as our guests for the event, so I'm getting sister/family time as well! {My sister/husband live in Las Vegas and it's rare that we ever get to see each other...so that's an extra special treat for me!}
I also just kicked off the third trimester of pregnancy and I'm feeling good- getting kicked often! =) My feet swelled up in the heat and humidity yesterday when we landed in OK and spent most of the day outdoors. But they seem to be better after a full, quiet night of sleep. Hopefully I will fit back into my strappy sandals by tonight. =)
I have to say I have enjoyed reading your thoughts and comments on baby names. It will be fun to finally have a face and name for Baby #7 as we call him in not so many weeks! Ava thought Chip and I were going away for the weekend to have the baby already. She wondered why I was packing sparkly black shoes just to go to the hospital! I had to laugh and actually think maybe I should take my black heels along with me for the big event. It's sure to be a special occasion.
I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. It is an honor for Chip and me to be upclose and supporting some of our nation's hero's of the day as we reflect on the true cost of the freedom we enjoy in this great country every single day.
I am feeling truly blessed. I trust you are too!

One less thing to worry about!

I am happy to share a couple of pictures of Wyndham along with the news that her EEG results came back normal yesterday after her scan. We are thrilled to know that after two years of medication everything appears to be normal and we no longer need to be concerned for seizures. We haven't been overly concerned about the idea of her having seizures for awhile now, but it is certainly reassuring that we can keep her off meds for now and have no further concerns. That means she is now off of ALL medication (including growth hormone shots too!) until further notice from her doctors. After all the procedures and treatments she has been through it is nothing short of miraculous, if you ask me.

Maybe it is just a brief calm before the storm we have as we anticipate her major surgery this fall, but either way it is nice to enjoy the "now" just the same. I think we may see a bit more burst of her personality as her body adjusts to her just being "her" again. That is a special treat all in itself. And I'm not going to even worry about what lies ahead for fear that it will take away the wonder of our present now. Now is a very good thing!

A different kind of birthday.

Today I turned 36 years old. I awoke and showered, finished packing everything I could manage {with Chip's help} to pack for a family of 7 into a Honda Odyssey and headed out for our trip to Minnesota. I am blogging for the first time ever in a vehicle. We're on Int. 90 headed toward Wisconsin. The roads are nice and clear (we just passed a sign for Belvedere/Sycamore, IL) for the midwest this time of year. Especially since we had a snow day yesterday and the storms have been all around this route and are possibly swirling for us to drive into as well.
I am sandwiched (tightly!!) in the back row between Bella and Ava. All the kids are watching individual dvd's and I'm on the laptop. Crew is snoozing nicely in his carseat and the driving is left for Chip to maneuver, and hopefully make good time too.
So far, I can't complain about the trip. Besides the stress leading up to it, and the last minute hassles of packing and loading everyone inside, I really can't complain all that much. I was treated to a quick stop at Starbuck's for a nonfat, half-caf, Hazlenut latte as we took to the road and as I sipped my birthday latte I thought to myself how lucky I am right now. Things could be much worse.
Lots of people have taken this route with family in tow- only in a covered wagon with no comforts of heat or wireless internet. My birthday wish this whole year long is that I count my blessings and look at the many things/reasons I have to be grateful before I utter complaints or criticism in the midst of any given situation.
I'm thankful today for my health, my family, clear,dry roads and new window wipers, cigarette lighters that provide power to dvd players and gameboy systems and so many other things too.
Yes, it's a bit of a different birthday, but I still there are lots of reasons to celebrate. Now, as long as we don't end up in a blizzard for the second leg of the trip I think being 36 is going to be a pretty good thing! =)

Santa baby.

I couldn't help myself. I hung the stockings up and whenever I looked at them on the mantel I would think how cute Crew would look inside one of them. So I took one down and tried him in it. He fit part way, but didn't like the feeling of being in a straight-jacket and I wasn't about to torture him just for my own viewing pleasure/photo obsession.

We compromised.

Crew was happy to lay still with the stocking draped over his legs and body. He was happier still when I put it on his head like a Santa hat- as you see here in the first 3 photos.I thought it was funny- so did he. Those big eyes of his? He gets them everytime I take a picture. My camera is so big he thinks I disappear and that's how we end up with the surprised/questioning look on his face in most cases. I happen to think big eyes are pretty cute though, and admit they are even cuter in real life.

I'm still feeling so blessed- so grateful- that God sent Crew into our lives. I never dreamed that this Christmas my stocking and heart would be so full. I'm treasuring every smile and the time I spend cuddling my little Santa baby. The Christmas cards might just have to wait. =)