Stargazing, Fall Crop and a life lesson on Monday.

I have been busy behind the scenes of Nitty.Gritty. Our fall slipped very quickly into the first white of winter this week when we awoke to a whole backyard/golf course covered in snow. The good news is that it has already melted again, and we also learned how cozy our fireplace heats and makes our house feel. My scrap loft is just up and over the stairway from the living room, so all the heat rises and I was happy to plunk myself down in there and make a pretty mess! =)
The next kit is just about to be revealed. It's called Stargazing and it is full of Cocoa Daisy exclusive designs and products. It is my favorite kit and combination of 'stuff' and has made me happy as I cut it up and crafted with it. I get to be the host on the message boards on Monday night when the kit goes live, so feel free to stop in and say hi while you get the first look at everything in this kit. It's a good one!
The following weekend- Nov. 1-3 is the fall online crop. I am teaching a class called, "Layers of Goodness:: 1 class, 3 ways" and it has been fun putting it all together, so I am excited to share it with whoever wants to log on next Friday night. I promise it is easy, fun and hopefully it will kickstart some ideas in your own head that you can turn into a cool project of your own. This is such a great time of year to settle down and make pretty things. If you're like me, you wish someone would jump in and make dinner and do your laundry so you can scrap some more! =)
My kids have had three days off of school this week due to parent-teacher conferences and fall break. They all received really great reports and assessments from their respective teachers. I am a proud mom to them as they have been through so many transitions and yet still are making the most of it and trying their best through all of it. I am thankful for teachers and staff that have helped them succeed too. Wyndham also started school and has gone to her new classroom for the past 10 days. She attends a local area learning center and we have been so proud of how she has settled into her new routine and she is very happy to be back it school it seems. There are about 10 students in her class with various challenges and issues. There are several other classrooms at her school too, where we have seen just how blessed Wyndham is to be functioning at the level that she is at. There was a bit of heartache and heartbreak for me when we first toured the school and I saw just how many kids there are with life challenges far greater than the ones we deal with every day.
I'll be honest, it was hard to see the severity of some of their special needs. This world throws out a lot of curveballs and when they hit innocent little kids it is hard to swallow. But in those same hallways and classrooms I saw people helping and caring and meeting needs that made me realize just how lucky these kids are too. There is something very special about those who serve and teach and love people with disabilities. I am sure the ones serving and caring would tell you story after story about how they feel blessed to do what they do too.
As Chip and I dropped Wyndham off on her first day we stayed and helped her get settled in and just observed her interactions for a bit. The first part of her class the teacher goes over the basics, such as calendar, weather and lunch orders. You know, the important stuff in life! =) Each student gets a chance to respond to what month and day it is and the teacher goes around the room letting them say or point to the answer on the smartboard on the screen up front. It was quite the lesson for me as I watched this unfold. First of all, it was a Monday in October. I don't know about you, but a Monday in October can be a pretty challenging thing just getting up and going. But these kids taught me something and I want to share it with all of you...and hopefully revisit this life lesson often, as needed.
It went like this: As the teacher announced to the class that today was Monday and the month was October, some of the kids started cheering and getting excited as they raised their hand to repeat the answer. One little guy especially could hardly contain his excitement. She called on him first. Willie answered, "Monday and October" and then he clapped loudly and repeated 'Monday' in sort of a chant/cheer format. He was all smiles and even though it was a cold Monday in October, his enthusiasm and sheer happiness over answering correctly was contagious. Little Willie has no idea that so many people hate Mondays. He has no idea that Monday is the dreaded day of the week for countless people going back to school and work or whatever it is that they do on Monday. He has no idea that some people wake up on Monday counting down the days til Friday.
And it hit me in such a vivid way that we ALL need a little more joy and contentment and excitement and enthusiasm in 'this moment'- even when, or should I say especially when it is Monday! Several of the other kids were all smiles and seemed very happy to announce that it was Monday that day too. Despite all the challenges they had going on in their bodies and minds, they had something going so 'right' too. Far better than many people who aren't labeled "special needs or challenged". Their attitude toward life and learning is something to be envied. I walked into that building feeling sorry for all the kids and heavy-hearted for the families who even need the extra assistance and care of the staff at that school. However, I walked out of that building softened and changed a tiny bit as I realized that maybe I am the one with the challenges and they are the teachers to the rest of us. Disability is only that when we allow it to hold us back. These kids and teachers are ready and even experts, I think, at taking on life just as it is handed to them and making the very best out of it. Even on Mondays. Now that is something to aspire too!
I think Wyndham is lucky to be in such a special place.

A little book about YOU.

 

I have a friend named Sarah. Sarah has a couple of doggies in her family. One of them is a Boston/Pug and I am always gushing over his pictures when I see them in her Facebook feed. I asked her if I could scrap some of the pictures she has posted of them. She said, "yes".
That was several months ago. Just before we found out we had to move out of the rental house we were living in. It was before my life got extra crazy and I was well into enjoying my 'free time' by scrapping and making stuff with paper and other bits and pieces that come in my mail each month from Cocoa Daisy.
I had such great intentions to create a little book with the puppy pictures I had received the blessing to scrap. Flash forward all these many months later, and when my February kit- Double Feature arrived and I opened it up, I instinctively knew that this was the time to put together the book I had been longing to create. The kit is live for purchase tomorrow if there are any still available. Each month the kits and add-ons have been selling faster and faster. I know that Christine {my friend and owner of the awesome Cocoa Daisy kits!} is upping the number available as of next month. So there is hope you can get in on it then- if you miss out this time. Or you can become a subscriber and know that one kit will be headed your way each month, if you are into that and I can attest to how great the kits are- each and every month!
So there's that bit of inside info for my scrap readers here.
A bit more about the book I made. There is a tutorial I posted about some of the process of creating it on the Cocoa Daisy blog here. This is a link to the book in my gallery where you can click through the pages and see them enlarged and in greater detail if you like to see them that way here.
The story behind the text of the book, "You" is that as I thumbed through the pictures I wanted to tell a story and not just scrap cute photos. I used the images to sort of 'guide the storyline', but the truth is the statements and messages along with the photos are something I wanted to share with my friend, and it is so fitting for my kids, and I think it is a message for anyone who reads it. It's as much for me as it is for anyone else too.
It is hard to hear the 'truth' about us at times. It is hard to grow up and live in this big world of ours and find our way, or just be still when it is time to do that too. I am still learning. Still growing. Still hiding in corners so many days at a time, and still trying to believe in the fact that I have so much to offer. That is the message I wanted to send. Loud and clear.
And yet in a subtle, adorable, scrapping, unimposing sort of way. That is how this book of "YOU" was born. I hope it speaks to your eyes, your heart, or to whatever other part of you is open to receive its message. And if you take nothing away from it except one thing, I hope it is this:
You are loved. xo
YOU
You come into the world tiny, soft and full of needs.
There is much to learn.
You will have days filled with play, curiosity and wonder.
Other times you will have days that just wear you out.
You might even feel like hiding in a corner.
You might feel like finding a cozy spot... and let the world simply pass you by.
But always know that you are special.
Adorable.
And loved more than you can possibly know or feel.
Putting on a special shirt or tie, or a favorite pair of shoes can bring out the spunk in you.
But the truth is that you don't need anything extra to make you a better you.
I love you... & the world shines brighter just because you're in it.
Yes.
You.

Five days a week this is what it looks like at our house...

Wyndham gets her jacket on and Chip stops home to pick her up to take her to therapy. Teague gets a thrill out of seeing Daddy for a minute, demands a kiss, waves bye-bye and then keeps watch out the window until they are both completely out of sight.

Sometimes it seems like the "scenes" in my life will never change. I've been changing Wyndham's diapers for over 10 years now; that will likely never, ever change. She's had ongoing therapy {speech, physical therapy and occupational therapy, plus now, aqua therapy} ever since being discharged from the hospital in August of 2001. I don't foresee a change in that anytime soon either.

But the smiles she musters- even when she knows she is going to "do her work" and the persistence she has about always trying- even if she doesn't feel like it, those are things I don't think will ever change either. The fact that I get to be the one that she presses her hands against and the shoulders she leans on as she gets ready day after day today felt like a gift all over again. To know that she depends on me and looks to me and expects me to do the things she can't do for herself filled me not with a feeling of burden, or something to dread or feel pitiful about, but rather it feels like maybe this is the very thing I was created for.

Maybe it was Oprah's new show "Lifeclass" that triggered something in me for my heart to see with new eyes- even though I haven't even watched a single show. I've wondered about a "higher calling"- a greater purpose in my routine days for several years now. Today I was overcome with the thought that maybe in searching for something more, it's actually in accepting the way it is that therein lies my 'freedom'- my calling. In being less of me, I am more for someone else. In a small way it is what I think of when I imagine the hands of Mother Teresa as she held the wounded, the broken and the least of these. It was simply her presence that lifted others and made them "something". It was her willingness to sacrifice all that she became "great".

In that same- but obviously I'll never compete with the acts of such a woman- I am realizing that maybe, just maybe my being I am fulfilling more than I could ever know.

My being present.

My being love.

My being patient.

My being content.

My being baking cupcakes.

My being laundry lady.

My being disciplinary.

My being sorry.

My being content rather than seeking more.

My being open to routine, rather than feeling I need to create "splendor".

My being sensitive enough and compassionate enough and forgiving enough and hopeful enough and always willing to do or help or hold or clean or be leaned on. One more time.

Because that creates a safe place, a comfort zone, a reality for the ones who need me that there will always be enough of me for them and there will always be more for me to give when they hurt or want or need advice or feel like they are somehow missing their calling.

Maybe my calling is to be assurance to them. Or reassurance if need be.

Maybe a higher calling isn't as high as some of us are searching for. Maybe it is in being made low enough for others to grasp onto that we find that's exactly where we're made to be.

Today I feel more than I have ever felt in my life before, that my calling isn't something for me to attain, but my calling is to be a servant to others. That they might become more of who they were created to be.

When I pause and think about what an enormous task that is, I realize it is 'higher' than anything I've imagined I could be. Like the rock for someone else to stand on. Or the place for someone to fall and not get hurt. It's overwhleming to think that maybe my life's purpose is simply to help guide and shape the ones God has placed in my life so that they might become the fulfillment of themselves. It seems simple. But wow, let me tell you, the implications are enormous. I bow my head and lift the eyes of my heart and say to God, "Lord grant me what I need to do the task. To be the task. To meet the needs and dreams the way you would have me meet them."

Graciously, I hope and pray.

Documenting daily life...

I've had a debate in my head for a few weeks now as to keep blogging or not. As you can see, the "not" won out for awhile. =) Sure, life is busy from day to day. Three of the six kids have started back to school; Wyndham is getting more therapy services- which already keep Chip busy running her back and forth to her sessions, and summer is starting to wind down so I am trying to get in as many 10-mile bike rides as I can. It seems like there is always something to cook or clean or pick up... our daily life is routine, but not at the same time.

Even as I wonder whether or not to make note of the "stuff" going on in our lives I realize that this is the kind of stuff that is too easily forgotten. The seasons of life sometimes change so gradually that I hardly notice they've changed until I look back and see that things were once very different.

So here I am again, taking note of the really insignificant, significant details of our life. As it is- right now. With Brock (in 7th grade), Bella (in 4th grade) and Ava (in 2nd grade) in school our home has gotten quieter from 7:45 am until 3:25 pm. When Wyndham is away at therapy sessions I suddenly find myself with just 2 kids at home. Something that is a rarity and makes me think back to when I had Teagan and Brock. Crew and Teague are the exact same ages apart as those two were and it brings back a flood of memories of how that season in my life was very different than it is now. I have found that these two little guys love to play together and are very good in their play kitchen. We save all sorts of products/packages from our real kitchen and they can pretend together for a long time and are very happy at the food they make. I love getting to spend some playtime with them as I know how important it is for kids to get more individual attention.

I am glad I have a spot to "preserve" some of these really mundane activities here on my blog, because I know the years go so quickly and it's too important to not take notice of the little moments. I see how each of my kids is growing and learning and discovering new things. Every day. And new discoveries- no matter how many people have discovered them before you- are always worth documenting. I hope you are finding freshness in your days right now. Breathe it in and savor it. Because tomorrow will be a new day and you might forget just how much you loved today.

Coke Floats & Pinky Promises.

Today our family is keeping in tradition for the 10th year and having Coke floats together to honor Teagan's memory and make a new one at the same time. It's our annual "Coke Float Day"! We never dreamed ten years ago that having a late night spontaneous Coke float with Teagan would become such a cherished memory. But as circumstances would have it, just one month later as I stood at her hospital bedside and wrapped her tiny pinky around mine and promised to love her forever, I said the most difficult goodbye in my life. I still can't fully wrap my mind around how life took such a dramatic and twisting turn in just a blink of an eye.

Sometime after Teagan died, and likely one of the days where all the strength I could muster went to feeding Wyndham bottles with medicine in it and the rest of my time was spent with tears streaming my face, I flipped through photos and recounted happy times we'd spent with Teagan. It was the one thing that I did to keep my mind off the hoorror of what we'd been through- I had to concentrate on how lucky we had been to have such a great little girl in our life and we had been blessed with lots of wonderful "ordinary" moments with her in 4 short years.

When June 30th rolled around that first year after losing Teagan, we made a special point of recreating the moment of Chip and Teagan's late night Coke Float with Brock. We wanted his life to have some happy times too- even as difficult as life had become for us. In doing so we found that not only did we get the chance to remember a wonderful time with Teagan, but it was a chance to turn our heartache into a new happy memory at the same time. And goodness knows our hearts needed opportunities for joy in life again!

We had lived and learned how quickly life changes unexpectedly and also just how quickly our days go by- no matter what is going on in them. Big stuff, little stuff; everyday, routine stuff, or extraordinary, amazing stuff!

You can click to enlarge the photos here to read the journaling on a scrap page I made when I first started scrapping back in 2006. I remembered this night with Teagan and Chip so clearly. If tragedy hadn't struck it would have just been one more picture among so many others I snapped through the years. But in light of what happened, it became a treasure and a gift that now lives on each year as Coke Float Day.

Our family will be "celebrating" this ordinary, special day out at Chip's golf club with some frothy mugs of root beer or coke and ice cream. But we invite you to join us by having your own round of Coke floats or whatever it is in your life that would be meaningful and memorable and fun. Don't wait for a "reason" to enjoy today. Don't wait for a crisis to be reminded that today is a gift- just as it is every single day! Pop some popcorn and enjoy a movie together, or go for a walk and feed some ducks at a nearby pond or bring a fresh bunch of flowers to a neighbor who needs a pick-me-up or even call a loved one that you haven't spoken to in a long while and say, "I've missed you and love you!" simply because you have the chance to do so.

We've lived through some dark, grief-stricken days and still have ongoing challenges that affect us every day. We've learned it's so important to take time and intentionally live in the moment. We aren't superheroes when it comes to happiness and sometimes the biggest life lesson we've learned from our heartache and loss of Teagan is to never take the little moments for granted. We're so thankful we had Coke float night with Teagan and we're so thankful that we can enjoy it each year (and sometimes several times each year!) with the rest of our kids too. We hope you are moved to take an ordinary moment in your life and make it memorable and extraordinary in your own special way because of the legacy Teagan left to us. She was truly a gift to us. To you, and to whoever chooses to celebrate life- in the big and little things. Happy Coke Float Day from the whole Ferlaak family today! Find something to celebrate!

Her fragrance in life...

Today is my Grandma Shirley's birthday. But she's not here with us on earth as she passed away last October. I have written on occasion of my dear Grandma as her life was filled with such twists and turns. I still wish she would have written a book- it would be full of tragedy and yet ultimately beauty, love and grace. That's what my Grandma's legacy is for me and so many others whose lives she touched.

The baby picture of her is so special because just like one would expect, my Grandma came into this world in a very unique and special way- yet even her birth story holds some heartbreak. She was born June 22, 1924 in Mitchell, South Dakota to a young woman who left her at the hospital. The nurses grew fond of her after caring for her for a few months and one of them in particular wanted to adopt her. But she was a young, single woman and that's not how things played out back in the 1920's, so this nurse called her married sister in Minnesota and asked her to come and adopt the baby and that's just what took place. My great-grandma, Lydia and ,y great-grandpa Ray Michel, took the train out and back and that's how my Grandma's life story begins.

On days like this her story makes me wonder. I wonder about her mother and father and their families and how they lived their lives never knowing what happened to the sweet, tiny baby left at the hospital. I wonder how my Grandma's life would have been different had she been taken home and grown up under totally different circumstances. Thinking about the circumstances that fell into place in order for me and all my siblings and cousins and my mom and her siblings to be here is an amazing thought. One major detail in my Grandma's life ended up determining so many other things- it's startling to think of what might have or could have been.

My grandma would make the point, if she were writing or telling this story, that she believed that God was ordaining each event and person in her life. She would tell you that even though the circumstances were unusual and even though she faced tragedy and trials like some never have in their lives, that God was in each hardship and He was her steadfast rock and strength. He never failed her.

She would grow up in Minnesota in a very loving family- the oldest of 3. She was a happy girl with laughter and song and a smile for everyone she met. She loved music and I still remember countless songs sung around her piano in her home when I was a girl growing up. My memories of going to Grandma's and spending time in her home are all wonderful. In fact the worst memory I have was a happy one that went bad in a big hurry, but still turned out good in the end.

At about age 5 I was staying at my grandparents while my parents had to be away- and my 2 brothers and 2 sisters were there too. We decided to dress up and play "Here Comes the Bride" and when the plastic flowers were tossed I tried to catch them but ended up hitting my forehead on one of the end tables in the living room. I hit my head hard and ended up needing about 6 stitches on my forehead. It was my grandma who got a warm towel and loaded me up and sat next to me while the doctor stitched me up. I got a tiny piggy bank on the way home and it was my Grandma who put a silver dollar inside of it. She had a way of making even life's tearful moments something to smile about.

* * * * *

I've been getting up early to go biking the past several days now that summer is warming up and really it has less to do with me wanting to get in shape, as much as it's my time to think and have some breathing room from all my kids that demand so much of me while Chip is busy with the golf season in full swing. It's been so nice for me to catch my breath and to clear my head and I realize how much I crave quiet! I never knew how much I like solitude- it makes me think that maybe I could be a "real writer" at some time in my life. Quiet space lets me collect my thoughts. What I love about biking and how this all plays into my thoughts about my Grandma today is this- there are lots of different homes that I ride past each morning- depending on which route I take. But one in particular made me think of Grandma's house a couple of times as I rode by and smelled breakfast coming from the open windows. The other morning it was the scent of bacon and eggs that almost made me ride up to the front door and ask if I could come in for a quick bite. =) I'm sure it was the kind of breakfast where there would have been plenty for one more to join in. It's exactly the thing that made me think about what made my Grandma so special and it is what I've been thinking about as a frazzled mom most days.

The thing is my Grandma wasn't a wealthy woman. She married a farmer and they worked hard to just keep things going as they started out. There was nothing glamorous about the pigs and chickens she helped to raise. I've heard the stories so I know that firsthand! One of the tragedies that struck her life was when their farmhouse had a terrible fire on Memorial Day in 1953 and she lost her young son in that fire and her husband, Royal, suffered horrible burns and was hospitalized and endured surgeries for over 2 years. He was out of the hospital for such a short time when their familiy had a terrible car accident and then he was killed and my Grandma was hospitalized and laid up for months after that. Several years later she married the Grandpa I knew and loved all the years I was growing up and he was a minister. It goes without saying that he wasn't in a profession for money and they lived humbly all their years together. So money and things and a fancy home or trips or anything that people think they wish they could give or pass on to their family isn't what I recall when I think of my Grandma. It's the memory of the savory breakfasts she cooked up when we were lucky enough to stay over at her house. It's the memory of the hours she spent in the kitchen, especially on Thanksgiving, to pull off a feast that I'll never be able to recreate. The food was outstanding because she poured her heart into it. It never mattered that her house was so crowded with all of the relatives that sometimes you got a seat where once you were in your spot you knew you wouldn't be getting out of that spot until at least 6 other people moved from theirs first! =) Her home always smelled welcoming- whether it was a holiday or not. She made it comfortable and it was the way she met us at the door with the best hugs and 'hello' that we all looked forward to the most.

Life sure tried it's best to un-do her so many times. She had a rough road and yet I grew up loving her jokes, her stories, her pies, her music, her friends and especially hearing about how God had seen her through it all- the good AND the bad. She loved Jesus with all her heart and she shared the love He calls us to share with everyone she came in contact with. Her life fragrance is something I can close my eyes and still imagine it so clearly. She lived her life in a way that attracted people to her- you wanted to be around my Grandma because there was just something so likable about her.

There are some beautiful homes on my bike route. Some have gorgeous landscapes and manicured lawns. I don't know what kind of people live inside of them. I'm sure they are nice, but what struck me on my bike ride is how I was so drawn to the humble home- the much more lowly home where the scent of "goodness" was one that nearly drew me in. My grandma was like that home. Granted I think she was beautiful inside and out- so she's sort of a mix of the nice homes and the lowly home. But her legacy makes me want to live my life so that the aroma I give off- the attitude that I express, the words that I say, the manner in which I show love or not- makes me want to strive harder to be the kind of person that will be remembered for being a "sweet scent" in this life.

I'm so fortunate that the unique circumstances that surrounded my Grandma's birth led to the family she was adopted into and grew into the family I feel grateful to be a part of today. I am striving to follow Jesus the way my Grandma lived and I am thankful for her example of steadfastness no matter what comes our way. I think of her so many times and I'll never forget the way she smells to me... she's that wonderful. One day I know I will see her again; oh what a day that will be!

With 2 weeks to go...

Or less.

That's right. The countdown is definitely to when this baby will be born. The kids are anxious, my belly feels huge most of the time, and we still are making baby name lists- with lots of opinions weighing in on them. The process of choosing a name is always one of the most challenging parts of pregnancy for me {and Chip!}. =)

I am finding that besides choosing a name, there are other challenges too. Like the excessive, intense itching that started in my upper arms several weeks ago. It has gotten much worse and more extreme the past couple of weeks- to the point where the only relief I find is to hold ice packs on my arms to numb them. I waken at least 3 or 4 times each night having to replace the ice packs for new, colder ones. I have discussed it with a couple of doctors and they are stumped and recommend allergy medications- which have not done a thing. I am hoping that it is somehow pregnancy related and will start to go away after or very soon after delivery! I can't handle any more burning in my upper arms- it's making me go crazier than I already am! SO... wish me luck with that and if anyone has suggestions or insights to this, I'd love to hear what you know about the topic.

The other tough thing is trying to stay on top of the household chores- things like keep the fridge stocked and rooms picked up- knowing that at any time I may be gone for 2 or more days. I like to be in control of things and the unpredictability of my absence makes me a bit edgy. Just ask Chip. =)

While we never planned any of our pregnancies and consider each of our children blessings from God- that He knew were to be a part of our family and were handpicked by Him before Chip and I ever even met- it's still a bit scary to imagine how life is about to change. Babies have their own personalities, agendas and demands that are unrelenting at times. I know this because I've had six of them already. I know what to expect. And don't know what to expect all at the same time. I do know that babies mean sacrifice, and I am willing to do my part, trusting that God will give our family strength, patience and grace for the changes that lie just ahead.

I have to say that I am anxious and excited- just like the kids in many ways. But sort of wish I could freeze time right now too. We have reached the point where strangers ask questions and give comments to us when we're out and about in public... the kind of questions that make me feel like we're really an extraordinary family- in a not-so-extraordinary way. Questions like, "Are these all your children?" and "Are they all brothers and sisters?" because I guess some blended families do have lots of kids too and that helps people explain things in their minds. But to think that a couple would actually choose to have as many kids with another on the way sort of takes people aback. Most are pleasant and encouraging- saying things like, "Good for you... and your kids seem so well-behaved" {which I credit to things like Dum Dum suckers when I have to take them all to Target or out for grocery shopping}. They also add things like, "I never could have handled that many kids" or "You must never sit down during the day!" {which makes me feel like Super Woman or Crazy Woman- depending on the day.}

It's been interesting, exciting, nerve-wracking and a lot more the past 9 months. I have a feeling the next several months will hold much of the same. I am hoping to get some sleep before this baby arrives, and am asking God to give me whatever else I need to be my best to this baby and everyone in my family.

With less than 2 weeks to go, I appreciate your prayers too. I have a feeling I just might need them. =)

We never did get to eat pie that day.

These images are horrifying to look at and yet I am compelled to 'put them out there' today as our family marks the 9th anniversary of these days events. July 29, 2001.

We simply had plans to enjoy a family brunch at this restaurant called The Old Depot. We had never been there before but had heard that the pie was outstanding and we happened to have some extra time in our day that Sunday as Chip's boss had told him he could come into work at the golf course a bit later than usual. It was turning out to be a glorious, bright and sunny day.

But then something went horribly wrong.

Without warning the door and the wall and ceiling began crashing down in and around our family and some of the other guests at the restaurant just as we were taking our first few bites of breakfast. It was a scene unlike any other I have ever witnessed and one that will never be erased from my mind as I flew through the air, banged into things and finally landed in a pile of debris without ever losing consciousness. I had no idea what had just happened- but do remember that it felt as though a bomb had just exploded around us.

I quickly jumped to my feet and as I looked around the first person I saw was Teagan. She was laying where her chair should have been and I could see blood trickling out just beneath her head. I scooped her up and carried her out the hole where the door should have been.

That would be the last time I ever held my little girl.

* * * * *

Today I awoke and some of these images and others were on my mind. I would give anything to erase them and wish that July 29, 2001 was just another family day in which the events of that day blended into the next without much cause to remember. I never realized what a gift it was to live ordinary days that held simple joys and happiness- but once they were over they were soon forgotten because the next day held something just as easy and carefree.

But that was not to be.

Today when I woke up I felt angry. Even all these years later.

Wyndham had soaked through her pull-up and so I had to change her bedding and start some laundry... all because of her brain injury that will never fully heal from that day.

I tossed the sheets into the wash machine and felt my insides growing hot.

I thought of all the times I've had to wash her bedding from wetting or illness and wondered how many more times I will have to do it in the future- and the sting of unfairness burned stronger.

It's not fair.

We didn't even get to eat the pie we had heard so much about until nearly a year later when the Old Depot reopened its doors- having been rebuilt from the ground up.

Lives were changed in an instance that day.

Hearts were shattered; bodies torn and broken- inside and out; happiness replaced by sorrow and pain.

* * * * *

I post these photos and remember and wish it all different today, but at the same time I feel that burn and sting inside and remind myself all over again how it is a choice- sometimes a daily struggle- to live beyond the hurt, to rise above the self-pity that threatens to swallow me up if I think too long and hard about this reality, and most importantly, I am reminding myself to choose Joy again today. I want to remember the good times I had with Teagan, and to look back on all our family has overcome. It's been a long and winding path for us in 9 years, but all along the way there have been blessings beyond what I could have imagined life would hold for us through the years.

I was still feeling the ache inside when I said a quiet prayer- one I've prayed many, many times since I stood at the scene of these photos and that is this,

"Lord, I give it to you. I pray for peace, for comfort, for Joy in the midst of suffering."

It's not an easy thing to surrender and to invite God to hold the hurt for me, but I have learned and am still learning that it is the way to peace and even to forgiveness and that in turn frees me to feel happiness and Joy once again.

I know my suffering and pain pales in comparison to many of the hurts and struggles other people have lived through and continue to carry with them each day. I thank God that He has shown Himself faithful to our family in ways we never dreamed, and that He has healed us in so many ways and restored our Joy at times too.

* * * * *

The timer is just about to buzz on my oven letting me know that several loaves of zucchini bread are done baking. My swollen, pregnant belly has been slightly jerking from baby hiccups inside me the past several minutes. Crew and Brock are eating popsicles together outside and Bella and Ava are talking and laughing as they play Uno downstairs- a game they just learned how to play yesterday. Wyndham's bedding is about to be tossed into the dryer and I will start another load of laundry too.

Life today is simple and ordinary and sprinkled with bits of laughter too.

It's just the kind of day I wish July 29, 2001 had turned out to be. One not all that unlike all the other days that blend from one into the next.

The hurt is real... but I know even more than that, the Joy is far greater and definitely worth fighting and living for. If I could, I would invite you all over for coffee and fresh baked zucchini bread right now and I would tell you that although I don't know what the future holds for our family or for anyone, there is One who is in control who loves us all more than we would ever imagine and who has a plan to bring justice and glory from any pain we experience here on earth. One day because of our trust in God our sorrow will be forgotten and our tears will be wiped away and there will be only rejoicing forevermore.

I am seeking to trust in God's plans and His ability to bring forth Joy from any circumstance and trial we endure. It's not easy and I openly admit I don't even like the way He causes our path to turn at times... but there's no doubt in my heart or mind that it will be worth it all. One day!

Tomorrow is "Coke Float Day" at our house.

I'll probably make my float with caffeine-free Diet Coke, but it will be special just the same. =)
We invite you to join us in making a memory with your family or a friend or loved one too. Whether it's today or tomorrow or any other day that you find yourself 'living in the moment' and realizing that ordinary can be extraordinary- moments are a gift every day!
We will forever remember this moment and time we had with Teagan. We cherish it and we're glad to make new memories with our family as the days and years go on. One day I know we'll all enjoy being with Teagan again- in a very special place called Heaven!
And now, here is the story behind "Coke Float Day". I hope it touches you in some small way...enjoy!

Today our family affectionately terms this day "Coke Float Day". Coke float day marks one month prior to the day we said our last goodbyes to Teagan and happens to be a day we captured a special moment in her life and ours in this photo above. The day was June 30, 2001; Teagan stayed up late as she often did to say goodnight to Daddy after he'd been away at work all day. This day we made that goodnight extra special by letting her and Chip have Coke floats- served at her little table in the 'special' tall malt glasses. She was so excited to have this time with Chip. She always was a Daddy's girl and I'm so glad I thought to grab the camera and snap a photo of this late-night date they shared that day.
We had already learned that life was precious and we should make the most of the time we have together because of an incident where we found Wyndham unresponsive and purple months earlier that same year. We had already learned to let go of some of the frustrations in life and to take in the fun times together or make a memory out of an ordinary day.
What we couldn't have known was that Teagan's days were coming to an abrupt end and our lives would never be the same in a matter of one month. What we couldn't have known was that this simple late night Coke float date would become one of our cherished memories we would have with her and wish back more times than we could count. What we didn't know is that this picture would look old and dated and capture the way we would remember her for years to come. What we didn't know is our quiet, unassuming lives would be changed in an instant and our faith would be the only thing left to stand on.
We are grateful for this time and the wonderful memories we made with Teagan while we had her and we cherish them for what they were and still are to us. Her life and death have taught us so much and we never want to forget to make the most of the moments we're given here on earth. Today- Coke Float Day- reminds us again to enjoy the here and now, to do something 'special' just because we can, and to celebrate the simple and ordinary moments we have with one another. We invite you to join our family today, or tomorrow, or whenever the opportunity arises in your own life to do the same thing. Be in the moment. Enjoy THIS day. Hug a little tighter; share a smile with someone around you. Give yourself permission to let something else go and make a memory you'll cherish for a lifetime. Even if it means staying up past bedtime and going a little over the top to make the memory extra special.
It shouldn't take a tragedy for us to all see the gift of what we already have. Our family has learned the significance of now. Today we remember it again and share it with you too. May you have a special Coke Float Day- or Pepsi or rootbeer or cupcakes or movie night or however you choose to "celebrate" now!

The power of pause-

One of the most powerful and moving moments during our trip to Oklahoma last week happened when everything stopped. The Folds of Honor Foundation headquarters sits just next door to the Patriot Golf Club building/pro shop and it is a beautiful structure complete with a bell tower at its peak.

The meaning of the name Folds of Honor comes from the thirteen folds in the flag- each representing something such as allegiance and honor and other worthy characteristics. The flag is always folded and given to the families of a fallen soldier. It is a powerful symbol and I am sure becomes quite a treasure for those grieving their loss to cling to.

At The Patriot Golf Club, while it is a spectacular golf course and wonderful place to enjoy the company of family and friends or business partners, our friend and club founder, Dan Rooney wanted it to be even more than just a nice place. His real purpose in creating such a place is for those fallen and disabled to be remembered and for the freedoms they fought for to be enjoyed by all. But the remembering part is of utmost importance. So, at precisely 1300 hours (1:00 pm) each day, the bell at the top of the foundation headquarters begins to toll and reaches to all corners of the course and its facilities. Dan asks that wherever you are; whatever you're doing, that at that moment you stop and pause and silently pause to pay respect for the ultimate sacrifice that so many people have made for our great nation. The bell then tolls 13 times- symbolizing the thirteen folds of the flag.

Chip and I were at the course on a couple of occasions when the bell began to toll. It was amazing and powerful for us to witness everyone and everything around us suddenly come to a halt-caps removed, heads bowed and people stood silently- for a long, solemn moment. I can hardly think of a time in my 'regular life' during the day in which everything suddenly comes to a halt and quiet fills the space for a full moment. So for me, to experience such an event with hundreds of people and activity swilring around me made quite an impact.

It seems such a powerful thing- and yet is a simple, quiet pause. Do you know how long a minute seems when there is no sound except the occasional bong of a bell? It feels much longer than a minute. And yet to think that thousands of lives have been given and we rarely take a moment to pause and remember and to be grateful for such sacrifice seems so unfair. The moment that the bell tolls at 1300 hour definitely gave me much to think about and made me so much more aware of what it truly means to be a patriot and give your all.

I was so inspired and moved by the impact I felt from a moment of quiet that I am now seeking to 'work' at least a moment of quiet into my life each day. And not just solely to think about sacrifice and freedom, but also because I realize how my soul is stirred by solace and quiet. As a busy mom of lots of little kids, quiet is hardly available to me and I realized just how much I truly appreciate it. Even for just a moment out of my day.

I write this all as a note to myself- I don't want to forget the power of pause. And if you are so inclined, I invite you to take a moment out of your own day and experience the same thing. I don't know what effect it will have on you, but in the busyness of our lives, it is something that is becoming more and more rare and hard to 'find'. I think it's something we all need a bit more of- quiet, reflective, powerful moments. Our souls were made for at least a small taste of that each day.

One less thing to worry about!

I am happy to share a couple of pictures of Wyndham along with the news that her EEG results came back normal yesterday after her scan. We are thrilled to know that after two years of medication everything appears to be normal and we no longer need to be concerned for seizures. We haven't been overly concerned about the idea of her having seizures for awhile now, but it is certainly reassuring that we can keep her off meds for now and have no further concerns. That means she is now off of ALL medication (including growth hormone shots too!) until further notice from her doctors. After all the procedures and treatments she has been through it is nothing short of miraculous, if you ask me.

Maybe it is just a brief calm before the storm we have as we anticipate her major surgery this fall, but either way it is nice to enjoy the "now" just the same. I think we may see a bit more burst of her personality as her body adjusts to her just being "her" again. That is a special treat all in itself. And I'm not going to even worry about what lies ahead for fear that it will take away the wonder of our present now. Now is a very good thing!

Home again.

We're home with Wyndham from the hospital today. She is happy to be here but still needs a lot of rest and tlc. She has eaten a bit and had a nice warm bath and probably feels more like her usual self than she has in the past two weeks. Hopefully she won't have another need for a hospital stay until her double-foot realignment surgery. Which isn't until late September now. I think we all would be happy with 7 months of good health. And some sunshine too! Thanks so much for all your prayers and concern for Wyndham this week. She definitely needed it!

Crumbs and more.

Somedays I wonder if I am meant to do more than sweep Cheerios off of the floor and get tangles out of hair. I wonder if it matters that I bring Wyndham to therapy or wash yet another load of whites. I sometimes wonder if I had a choice, would I choose to pick kids up from school and have to quiet their squabbles on the ride home and force them to eat a few veggies at dinner too.

Yes. I can answer yes, I am meant for this. And sock monkey jammies and big smiles only add to my confidence and make every crushed Cheerio I sweep worthwhile. Today Ava learned to write her '5' correctly. She was so proud. I was happy to be the one to watch her form them and encourage and praise her as she learned something new.

Somedays it really is the littlest things that mean the most.

Ava Milan...

She makes me love jean jacket weather even more than I already do.

She has the most perfect color brown eyes and light brown hair a girl could ask for.

Her wink is cute and so is her smirk.

I can not imagine waking up in the morning and not getting a hug from her.

She got her first report card from kindergarten. It had lots of these on it: S+.

Her attitude can turn a day around- and sometimes it does several spins a day!

She could live on macaroni and cheese. I sometimes feel like letting her do so.

She is loud. Almost 100% of the time. I can't help but find that endearing. About 2% of the time.

I love her no matter what.

She knows it.

Lucky, little girl.

Crazy Love In Action

Our friends, the Loecken family, were featured on Good Morning America this morning, both in a taped segment and also live with their big RV on the plaza. I invite you to check out their story and be inspired and challenged too!
The basic premise is that they traveled to Africa and did some short-term mission work. After coming back home (to their comfortable home in GA) they felt led to do more and act on how they had been impacted by their trip.
That's what ultimately brought them to where they are now- living out of an RV, traveling across the country and serving everyday people all along the way.
If you click on this GMA link you can scroll down and watch their video piece titled, "AmeriCANS- Family's Mission to Serve". You can read a lot more about their family travels and what their up to and where they've been by reading their blog here. I know Jay and Beth and their kids would be thrilled to have you stop by and would be even more thrilled to know they have more prayer supporters as they continue to go wherever God leads them! It seems like such a radical thing- to uproot your family and go wherever you feel led, but that's precisely they way Jesus did ministry and the Loecken's admit that they feel like they receive more blessings than they give. They make it look "easy"- to love and serve. I need to open my heart and mind up and jump in and do more. They've inspired me! Crazy love in action...the world could use more of that, wouldn't you agree?!
{Loecken family photo used by Jay's permission}

The wishing.

I don't know if I become more keenly aware of the brilliance of the changing colors of the leaves each year, or if at their peek my emotions are simply touched in new ways, but it always hits me at least once. This year is no exception. Some of the reds seem a deeper red. Some of the oranges and yellows are so vivid they seem to make the trees appear lit up. Despite the cold and the wet weather we have been having for several days, the leaves are still turning colors and the changing season is in full swing. That, coupled with the recent death of little Jaymun and the daily growth and changes we see in our little Crew from day to day, makes me pause and think and wonder and ponder. All over again.
I pulled out a couple of photos of Teagan and Brock and remembered the time I shared with them at this time of year. Fall can be such a fun time of the year- especially if the weather stays just warm enough to enjoy long afternoons outside. There's something so wonderful about the fresh air and crisp leaves and the reality that living in Michigan means the snow could start to fall at anytime, so you need to take advantage of being outside without being bundled up as much as you can. =) I recall those afternoons outside with Teagan and Brock so clearly. We would go next door and rake a couple of bags of leaves (after asking permission to rake and take their leaves!) and then bring them home to our front lawn and dump them out and jump in them. The leaves would spread wider and wider and Teagan would ask for the rake and I'm sure she would have even skipped dinner to stay outdoors and jump and play awhile longer. We moved from this home across town after the snow fell and as I looked at these pictures I realized Teagan never got to jump in the leaves at our "new" house.
I never would have imagined as I took this picture that this would be the last time I would capture Teagan on film playing in the leaves. I know I have looked at these pictures and wished for these moments back again. It happens every year. If you want to know the truth, it can happen anytime. It often does. Ask any parent who has lost a child and they will likely say the same thing I am writing here today. The "wishing" never ends.
There are moments I wish I had back. Moments I wish I could re-live. There are moments I wish I could do over. There are moments I wish I could freeze and never let them go. It's a part of grief that just is. The wishing. It never ends. A part of my heart will always be reserved for "wishing", however the other part of my heart knows there's something so intense and incredible about the "here". The now is to not be taken lightly, although I somehow lose sight of this fact all too often.

Yesterday as I reflected and rediscovered the brilliance of the changing colors of fall, I also was 'present enough' to grab the camera and capture the now. Crew is walking and becoming a little boy before my eyes. He is changing almost everyday! The other 4 kids are so full of energy too, but happen to be away at school and therapy more than he does, thus he gets in the pictures more often. But I still want to take note of these moments. I certainly could wish back a lot of moments from the past. The truth is I could very easily allow myself to get stuck in the wishing and wanting them back. I have found that when the "wishing" hits me, it can serve as a reminder to open my eyes to today. To the very moments I have right now.

There's something so amazing about giving my child a hug while thinking, "this feels so great and is truly a gift and someday I will wish for this moment back", as it happens. Or watching Crew take his wobbly steps and noticing the next day he has gotten faster and sturdier overnight and right then I know that I have been witness to yet another moment of wishing.

The changing colors of the season do make me miss Teagan so much and wish for a part of my simple life back. But it also colors my life in a way that helps me take on a new focus- one that sharpens the present and makes me feel very grateful for what I hold in my hands today.

The wishing.

Simple and sweet.

The birthday boy and everyone else is asleep in their beds for the night. Today we celebrated Crew turning 1 and it was a low-key, mostly mellow day. Just enough fun and excitement so that everyone knew there was something special and different about the day, but simple enough that so Crew could enjoy it.

First off, Chip was up and gone early and ran his first half-marathon. He finished in 2 hours and 8 minutes and was very happy with that time. We didn't see his race, but we're proud of him and were glad to have him home for most of the rest of the day.

One of the hardest parts of throwing a birthday party for a one-year old- the youngest of 6 kids- is that he really didn't need any new 'stuff'. However, one of his gifts was a waffle maker that makes farm-shaped waffles and it was a big hit with Crew and all the other kids too. Our waffle maker recently quit working after 14 years and after our recent trip to the local dairy farm this just seemed fun and fitting. Crew loves waffles. Even better than that was the fun he had climbing on and over the box. Isn't that how it always is with little kids! They love the box 10 times more than what's in it! =)

Later on I made Crew a birthday hat and as you can see from these photos, he didn't like it as much as I had hoped he would. In one of the pictures I think he is saying, "It's my birthday... get this thing off od me right now!"

I also had plans for some cute letters spelling out his name for the cake, but when this Elmo card came in the mail from Grandma and Grandpa, well, it just seemed suited to be used as a cake topper. Crew was thrilled with the cake- even though you can't sense his excitement from these pictures. He's had a thing for Reddi-wip since he was about 6 months old and had his first squirt straight out of the can. His eyes lit up as he watched us top his cake with whipped cream and then we let him sit and eat right off the cake for several bites after he (we) blew the candle out. He seemed very surprised that we would let him eat off the big plate. I was surprised at how little mess he made. He was very good about licking his fingers clean. =)

It's been a wonderful and challenging pleasure to have Crew join our family this past year. He has found a special place in all of our hearts.

I found myself thinking at different times during the day that at some point these moments that we shared and savored and enjoyed together will be moments I will recall in the future and I'll wish I could have them back. It's a good day- birthday or not- to realize what a gift the here and now truly is. It may not have been perfect or filled with lots of fanfare, but it was simple, sweet and a day to be treasured for years to come.

Happy Birthday, dear Crew. We're so glad that we have you in our lives to celebrate... today and always!