That's a wrap!

Good-bye to twenty-twelve. It has been a wild year for me and my family in so many ways. A year of things we never imagined, planned or expected all sprinkled with some amazing new {lifelong!} friendships, memories to cherish forever, and lessons lived and learned that could only have been learned through the events and people that wrapped themselves up in the form of 2012. It was the year we moved twice. Across several state lines. With 6 kids- including 3 in diapers at one point, and with stress levels that would make everyone's blood pressure spike.
But there were gourmet cupcakes. And bunches of fresh bananas and chocolate milk in the midst of the stress too. There was laughter and hugs and prayers and good wishes. There was a little groundhog outside our window that was busy and playful and provided entertainment as we ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at a table that my parents got us that 8 people can actually sit at all at one time. There were new songs to be sung, names and faces to learn, new library cards and books that led us on new adventures all their own.
From the pigeon longing to drive a bus to my kids standing at their own bus stop and climbing aboard to new schools and friends that would force them to grow and change and step outside their former comfort zones too. There was much to see, do and embrace~ and even re-doing things too. Like taking driver's test for our licenses. And reconnecting with 'old' friends. It was a year of ups and downs and twists and turns and never quite knowing what was going to be around the next turn.
But isn't that what life is made up of? If there is one thing I have learned in my 40 years of living, it is that no matter how much we plan and prepare and think we know what life is going to bring, it very likely will go its own way and look nothing like the picture you imagined it to look.
I scrapped a mini book about welcoming the new year, two-thousand and thirteen, with the fantastic kit from Cocoa Daisy for January. You can order a kit or sign up to subscribe and get it every month here, if you like. Jumping back into scrapbooking has been one of the highlights of my year and I am excited to be on the team this year too. Creating has been the one thing that has helped me process some of the crazier parts of this past year and also it is my launching place for the hopes and dreams I hold for this new year too. It does take up some of my time and energy and sometimes I wonder if it is the best use of them, but even Chip has noticed that scrapping fuels my inner joy and helps bring out the best in me, so he approves and is very supportive of my hobby and creative time. I am lucky that he allows me to let things slide around the house in order for me to fill my heart and express myself through paper and stickers and ink. I just loved the process of making this little book of quotes and words that I want to set the tone for me as 2013 rings in later on tonight. I am using the word "soar" as my focus word and hoping that I can find new ways to be invigorated and stay positive as we wait for a job for Chip and continue to resettle back here in our Michigan home. It has been a hard transition for me, much more than the kids. Leaving such close friends and all the newness of what life held has been hard. I feel like it was a big 'trick' to get such enough taste of what life can and does hold, but then got taken away from us all too quickly. It has felt like a huge step backward in life to return to the place we had said our goodbyes too and have to try to start again, only this time the house and yard were in rougher shape, my spirits were low, my optimism dashed, and a big piece of my heart was left in Minnesota.
Making a little book and surrendering to the many things I have told myself and learned over and over- things like create your own Joy and trust in the One who sees the big picture- is the place where I find solace and rest. It is the place where my spirit is still and I find that in the quietness and surrender is a fountain of hope. This past year has been so many different things to me and my family. This new year will likely be filled with suprises, blessings, more challenges and ultimately more opportunities to rise to the occasion, dig deeper and shine brighter when it's all said and done.
I am thankful for all of you who hope for good things to come, and who cheer me and my family on through the rough waters too. You are a blessing to us and I am still working on mailing some of you cards too. So from my heart to yours, thank you and best wishes as you wrap up 2012 and watch 2013 take flight. I hope it is a year of adventure and growth and seeing things from places you never dreamed you would find yourself~ be willing to be amazed at the view. No matter your vantage point. We're seeking to make two-thousand thirteen our year where the good outweighs the bad. That is always a good approach to anything...especially a new year!

I'm not sure why I am sharing this letter to me with all of you...

I've been reading through a list of daily prompts that I received in my inbox and decided to jump in and actually do one of them today. The prompts are part of the Health Writer's Activists Month via this site- wegohealth.com. I'm not even sure how I got on their email list, but the daily prompts have been interesting and I would like to even go back and catch up and blog about more of them if I can get time and energy to do so. They are good starting points or just fun/interesting topics. So hopefully I'll play along besides just this one for today.
Today's prompt is to write a letter to your 16-year old self. The prompt can be interpreted however you like and used to jumpstart a post. My first thought wasn't to sit down and write myself a letter, but instead I wanted to find a picture of my 16-year old self. You know what? I don't really have that many pictures of me from junior high or high school. Or of my four years in college either. There are a couple of reasons for that. One is that I didn't have a camera around very often, or loaded with film when I did have access to a camera. Things have changed with the digital age and the ease and storage space for taking lots of pictures. Secondly, I didn't really like myself very much for most of those years of my life. I hated my height, my weight, my hair and it all added up to not having many photos of myself as a result.
The picture above is of me and my mini poodle, Beau {he was such a great pup!}. I think I was about to start 10th grade when this picture was taken. I was living in the church parsonage- which is the home the church provides for the pastor's family to live in- right next door to the church. It was a beautiful piece of property where we enjoyed living on a small piece of lakefront and we were right in the metro area of the Twin Cities. I was happy living at this house and surrounded by a loving family and two golden retrievers and a poodle. I pretty much had life made.
But if I were to write myself a letter it would go like this:

Dear Jody,
You have no idea what a lucky teen girl you are to have the life you are living right now. You may not have a big, sprawling home and access to world travel or the latest designer clothes or nicest car, but you are a very fortunate young lady to have things far more important and much more difficult to attain. You, by no choice of your own, have all the love, security, support, guidance and access to great education and the ability to grow and learn in a safe environment. These are things many teens only dream of having in their life. You have them all.
Yet, in spite of all these excellent things, you carry a heaviness or burden inside. I wish you knew that the things the media portrays and the things that kids at school talk about and the things that society seems to think are important and worth striving for and selling yourself short for are so not worth your time, effort or energy. Things like the way you look, and how you style your hair and what kind of jeans you own really don't matter all that much. If you are taking care of your body and making good choices about how you spend your time and money- those things will bring far greater rewards or hurts in the long run.
My dear, I know you aren't into sports. But that doesn't mean you're fat. It doesn't mean you can't go on long walks or bike rides and guess what? You go swimming almost every day in the summer- so you ARE good at a sport! You just don't play on a team right now. But being on a team isn't everything. You were great and had so much fun playing soccer and girls softball. You were even a pratty fast runner in elementary school. I just wish you realized that playing on a team is supposed to be about having fun and making friends and learning about sportsmanship and how games work. It doesn't mean you have to be the best or fastest or never lose. I wish you could just enjoy playing instead of feeling like you're no good and then believing it is just easier not to try. Trying means you care. Somewhere along the line you started to not care.
You have so much to offer in other realms too. Your passion for writing and journaling and poetry is something a lot of kids don't have. You should love that about yourself and push yourself to do it more. In college you will feel like everyone else is better at writing and speaking and once again, sports and even music too. You will let your judgement of others cast a darkness on the dreams in your heart and little by little the things you really love and want to do will feel like a chore. That professor who makes you feel inept and small for sharing your thoughts and ideas is just one person. And just because she is the professional and gives you bad grades doesn't mean you have to throw away your dream and love of writing and language and stories. It means you need to keep doing what you do and learn and grow and take one person's critique and grades as they are- ONE person's. If you could simply step back and see that a few grades don't have to change your plans for your future you would find your path to happiness and the things your hearts wants to pursue much easier and smoother as a result.
Sadly, you will instead choose to let your light and passion dim in some of the areas of your life that you were just starting to shine in. But you know what? The good news is that life has a way of twisting and turning and if you could just roll with that a bit more you would find that often times there are wonderful surprises you would have missed along the way. This is certainly going to be true for you in your future more times than you would believe as a teen. If I could tell you to hold on- it's going to be a bumpy ride- it would be an understatement. But if I could also tell you that there will be a wealth of loving and learning and that the tears you shed along the way are sowing something into you that you never could have found anywhere else along the way, I would hope you would find the strength to keep fighting hard to find joy and happiness.
Oh dear young self....
If you saw a picture of your life now- 20 years into your future, you wouldn't believe you could get through what you will endure. But I want you to know that you will. You won't just get through them and survive, but you will shine. You. Yes, you! The girl who doesn't like herself when she looks in the mirror. The girl who thinks everyone else is smarter and skinnier and faster and prettier and sings better and writes better and paints better and all the other things you feel inferior for- you will shine in your own way. Maybe not in the way you would choose. Maybe you don't even see it yet. But you're doing it. You're a fighter. You've got a heart that really wants to do the right thing. You're sensitive and caring- even though you put up a wall and try to keep people out of that part of you. You don't have to pretend to be something you're not.
Remember what I said in the beginning of this note? You are living and filling your heart with a wealth and riches that many only dream of in this life. I want you to soak up the love of God and your family and the small group of friends that you trust and believe in the knowledge and learning you are storing up in your heart and mind and know that one day all the love and security and support you have now will be multiplied and that will be enough to see you through life's biggest storms.
You're just a kid. I don't even want to tell you this, but maybe it will help you down the road. The fact is you have no idea because of the sheltered, wonderful life of ease you have only known til now will one day be shattered. Life is going to throw you a big curve ball. Everything you believe will be tested. You will wonder and ask yourself what and why and how come and for how long and you may wonder if the pain and hurt will ever end. I'm sorry to tell you that there is coming a day when one of your favorite people in all the world will lie lifeless in your arms. It will be so astounding and surreal that it will seem like a nightmare over and over again. But it's real.
I wish I could tell you to hold her in your arms and take that reality in. For it will seem so unreal. I wish that you knew to cut a lock of her hair and to take a photo of her pinky finger in yours as you promise to love her forever one last time. I wish upon wishes that this part wasn't going to be the storyline of your life. But it is what it is and only God knows why.
You don't need to know why though, and that is the very thing that will free you from living the rest of your life in pain and unforgiveness. You will want to sit in that sorrow and hurt and ask the hard questions over and over. As you begin to let go of the need to know why, therein will you find the 'new pathway' to life again. Not a new life free from hurt or sorrow- for you will forever be changed and carry her love and your grief with you. But you will be free to embrace happiness in a new and profound way. It won't be tied to the things it once was- death and sorrow will actually give you "new eyes" from which you will see things through.
So, young self, there are some things that are important to take note of. Never stop being grateful for the things which you have been given- the people and comforts and education and protection are rare gifts. Appreciate them always. Be thankful that you were spared a life of hardhsips early one. Those dreams that you have- the things you love to do and make you laugh and cry and that bring out the best in you- live for them. Do things that help make them possible. Don't let your own fears hold you back from finding your dreams. They are out there and worth going through challenges and falling down for. You will know something is worth pursuing when it brings out the best in you. God has made you for something that only YOU can be/do. Seek Him and you will find what it is that He made you for. Take more photos. Even the ones when you don't think you look your best. Take photos of the days you ask questions and wonder and take lots of pictures of the people around you. They won't always be with you.
Lastly, never let anything- no matter how big or how small or how hurtful or how intimidating- never let it keep you from being you. Because that you that you are on the inside? That's what makes you shine.
Love,
A wiser, more mature, but still very much learning and growing still Me

Remembering scars as we face an unknown future...

None of us knows what the future holds. We can plan, we can prepare, we can take control of our finances and set aside time and energy for tasks we have to accomplish and we can set goals and pour all of our energy into reaching them and making them our reality. But the fact remains that none of us knows what the next moment, hour, day, week or year holds for us. Sometimes we are heading down one path when life suddenly takes us on a u-turn. Sometimes we feel like we have it planned out perfectly, and then life throws us the unexpected.

I have been thinking and praying for a young woman I've never met for a month now. October 1st, 2011 was the date that Samantha and her fiance, Chad, had chosen and dreamed and prepared for and been excited about for months. Tragically, less than 36 hours before their wedding day arrived, Chad along with Samantha's brother who was to be a groomsman in their wedding, were killed when the best man lost control of the SUV they were riding in and the vehicle crashed. I learned of this tragedy because Chip's golf club was to be the reception site for their wedding celebration. The families and communities were stunned and filled with sorrow at such a tragic event. I could only imagine how Samantha felt then, and now- one month later.

The dress that she so carefully selected and had fitted, I imagine just hung there bringing more tears as she looked at in light of her pain. Rather than be the dress of her dreams, it now represents shattered dreams and probably brings a flood of tears at a simple glance of it.

I have prayed and prayed for God to pour out His peace and comfort and mercy at this time when no person, no thing, no act can bring a comfort to her hurting heart and the hearts of the family and friends that surround her.

They are broken, grieving, scarred and hurting.

It got me thinking about the time in our lives when we too felt such sorrow, sadness and pain in our lives. I pulled out the above picture of Chip, which was taken about a week after our inital tragedy at the Old Depot- this was August 2001- the place was Hurley Hospital, Flint, Michigan. I had never seen Chip so wounded and scarred before. Just days earlier we were a happy, thriving family of 5 with a big, bright future ahead of us. We had no plans to be side-tracked by death, fractured ribs, brain injuries, internal trauma, muscle and nerve damage and hearts that would hold their own wounds from sorrow and loss.

Our life took a u-turn and we found ourselves in a world we never imagined or dreamed.

* * * * *

In my morning devotional today I read {and shared on my FB status} these words:

"It is God's presence that gives us true comfort, not the absence of affliction". There is such power and truth in that statement. Read it through once more, and let it sink in.

Do you believe that?

If you don't, do you believe that it could be true in your life somehow- sometime?

It can.

I am actually grateful to have the few photos that my mom snapped while we were "at our worst" physically and emotionally from our time in ICU. Seeing the pictures and scars and how tremendous our injuries were gives me a reality check. When I think back to this time in our lives I can still remember how much it "hurt". In every sense of the word. I have never felt more pain than during that time of our lives. But during those same long days and sleepless, painful nights and all the healing that had to take place to even be functional again, we both felt an overwhelming peace and comfort in our hearts that we had never experienced before. We never felt it when life was going splendid.

We felt it when our hearts and bodies were torn and we literally had our lives shattered by pain and grief.

God was there.

He never let us go.

In fact, He helped carry us when we had no strength of our own to keep us going. He held us together when we felt like falling apart and giving up. He poured out His mercy in our lives as we needed to draw on Him to be able to extend grace and forgiveness to the one who had brought us so much pain. He gave us Hope for our future and even laid it on my heart to want joy in life again.

I clicked through and pulled out a few pictures of how we look now. Our scars have healed quite nicely, with the exception of Wyndham's disabilities and ongoing needs. We have added 4 kids to our family since our tragedy struck. We have smiled and laughed again. We have known happiness, peace, comfort and joy.

But not because we had some supernatural abilities. But because of His power and strength that helped us move on. We have a future ahead of us that is filled with unknowns and unexpected events yet to come. I know that we can face them with peace and even with excitement, because we have seen the way God has already worked in our lives and we know that He will see us through whatever else may come our way.

I am so glad that God spared Chip's life and Brock's life and Wyndham's life and even my life, because through our scars and pain we have come to understand His healing powers that much more. We have learned firsthand that God doesn't abandon us when our hearts are torn and laid open with grief, but instead, that is the time when He gently picked us up and gave us new eyes to see Him and we felt His embrace like no other. His comfort was real then. I have faith and trust that it will be real as we walk forward too.

He is a God who loves, who protects, who turns mourning into dancing again.

My prayer is for this Samantha, to know this same grace, love, mercy and healing. And maybe one day she will look back or recall shattered, broken dreams- not with heartache and pain- but with the reality that God was big enough and gracious enough to turn it all into something beautiful that she never could have dreamed.

Maybe you are facing a future that scares you or maybe you are recalling a past filled with pain and "scars" of your own. My prayer for you is that you will call out to God and give your hurts and uncertainties to Him. He will never let you down and more likely than not, you will find that His plan blows you away. Our scars may always be with us to a certain degree...but our future is bright always. Because He is our eternity!

It's never the best photo...

It's never the most techinically correct, nor do I care if everyone is looking into the camera with smiles on their faces- it's more than that to me. Our last family photo with Teagan was taken as we sat together awaiting the 4th of July fireworks. Each year that we've had the opportunity to do so, I have made a point to try to get a family picture snapped. This one was taken yesterday as we sat and waited for our local parade to begin.
It's crazy to me how life has gotten so much harder for us over the past 10 years, rather than as I would have expected it to have gotten "easier". Maybe it is the marking of a decade and that reality sinking in as the end of this month approaches and the 10th anniversary of our tragedy draws near. Maybe it is simply I wish with all my might that I could live the life I imagine in my mind, but wake up to the fact that wishes don't always come true. Maybe it is the fact that Wyndham- who so deserves every good thing that this world has to offer her- has walked such a long, difficult, hard path for almost her whole life, and she is the one I watch sitting on the sidelines having to let life pass her by far too many times that I feel nothing in this world can ever make it up to her anymore.
Maybe it is in the surrendering.
It's still my biggest challenge. To know when to hold on and when to let go.
I feel I've lived it and learned it, and yet it is the lesson that keeps coming up. Time and time again.
I gave up on the "perfect" family photo years ago, thank goodness for that! But I'm still not ready to give up on loving all of us in spite of our imperfections. It's our flaws that keep us holding on. More tightly than I imagined at times, but the blessing is we're all still together. I just never dreamed we would ever have gotten as big as we did! Ten years changes a lot of things- our family looks a whole lot different than it did back then. I wonder what we'll look like in another 10 years! I have no idea, but I can tell you that we won't be perfect then either! =)

I think it's more me than her...

How is it June already? I guess the previous month really got away from me more than I thought it would. I always have good intentions of dropping by here and posting updates or things that are happening, and then I find that it's 10 or later at night and I have nothing left to give anymore! So it's not for lack of topics- like I think I've mentioned before, but simply that the days are getting longer, warmer and even {somehow!} busier than they have been at any other time.

Teague is growing like a little weed. Or should I say a jumbo cupcake. =) The cupcake above was one I got up and frosted at 5:30 am the other morning so Bella could take it to her end-of-year 3rd grade class party. It happened to be her teacher's birthday too- so I had to go big instead of just ordinary. I find that baking makes me happy and baking fun, creative things makes me even happier. Even if it does cost me an hour or two of sleep and my blog suffers as a result too. I think the class appreciated it this time.

So Teague is growing and changing and finding new things to get himself into or onto each day. He has Crew and all his other bigger siblings to learn from and follow their examples- I just wish he wanted to take it a little more slowly at times. We found him near the top of a flight of stairs more than once this week. He's quick and he doesn't even look back! He is totally unaware of the danger involved and gets the biggest, proudest look on his face the higher he goes. I foresee a trip to the ER for stitches in his early childhood at some point in time. He's a little daredevil already!

I snapped a couple of pictures that are so routine around here right now with Wyndham still almost 100% of the time in her wheelchair and with Teague totally intrigued with everything about it despite the sharp edges, knobs and screws on it. You might notice he has access to a basket of toys and things all around the room he's in- but he has very little interest in anything if the chair is in sight. The only thing I found that catches his attention more than Wyndham's wheelchair is my pink vacuum. Just the things for a 9-month old baby to play with and chew on! I've been so frustrated and angry with how slow and drawn-out Wyndham's recovery from her feet has been. We have a doctor appointment coming up and are hoping to get some answers or even new direction/help on how to get her back to her previous state or at least more independent and we would LOVE to see her able to even use a walker rather than a chair. We have just entered the 9 month of having her unable to move around on her own and to say that I am tired and weary of it is an undertstatement. It has actually gotten much harder in many respects, rather than easier as the months continue to drag on.

The more I reflect on it, the more I can sense that my attitude and perspective have gotten clouded and I've begun to doubt that life will ever get back to "normal" again. It's only been in the last about 72 hours that I am convincing myself that if this IS the new normal and it IS as good as it may ever get, well then, I can accept that and even see that it will be okay. But I certainly don't want to believe it's true if there is still hope that things can turn around.

The picture of Wyndham smiling is one I took of her on a good day. She has had some major personality change- if you ask me- and sometimes I think she is just more accepting that this may be as "good as it gets" and she just endures her days in her chair. She certainly shows signs of wishing things different though- especially the other day when her sisters and little neighbor girls were out on our front lawn and she sat watching them out the window. They were running, jumping, laughing and rolling down the grass; Wyndham kept pointing outside.

My heart both leapt and broke at the same time. We have no ramp on our house and therefore because of the size and bulk of the chair and her I have very limited ability to get her outside. I've since been able to get her up and down our front steps with much effort- but it is really not an ideal situation. I call myself a prisoner in my own home whenever Chip has to be away. Which, as you can imagine with golf season in full swing, is often. We are working on getting one built and in place, but in the meantime it has been a mental and physical hurdle for me that we never even thought much about when went into this surgery last fall. I am feeling guilt and regret and wondering how much of me is what's holding Wyndham back.

Today is my day to fully, 120%, embrace a new outlook, attitude and big dreams. Not for me- but for her! And if she never gets to the point where she is wheelchair-free, well then my dreams will include that too. What I do know is that I can still get Wyndham to stand up and even as I provide support and stability, we can still dance together. This morning I held her up next to her bed and we danced a couple of measures- even with no music playing. So therein lies my hope and contentment today. I know that whatever happens we can still dance- even with no music at all. =)

Not just a box...

This is probably the most difficult post I've ever tried to put into words. The photo doesn't begin to capture what I wish to share and nothing could have ever prepared me for getting such a package in the mail. Inside the box are Teagan's remains. They were sent from the funeral home where Teagan was cremated and have been kept there for nearly 10 years. Last week they came- registered mail. We knew they would be arriving as a result of the home changing some things up and we've known for almost 10 years that we would have to make a decision of what to do with the contents of such a box. Still, nothing prepares you for getting such a package. It now sits on a shelf with some miscellaneous storage items until we can finally make a decision on how, when and where to inter Teagan's remains.
Let me just say that my heart aches all over again for the life Teagan lived and how short it was. My heart hurts at how sudden she was gone and it hurts at how often- even now- something in my day reminds me of her or wishes her back to experience something she never got the chance to do. The wound of losing her feels fresh and stabbing when I look at that box. Yet I know she's gone from this earth forever and my heart still rejoices at the thought of reuniting with her in Heaven again. Someday.
But for now, the reality of what we had, what we loved, what brought so much joy, and what really remains after losing Teagan is a tough thing to grasp. At the time of Teagan's death it was an 'easy decision' for Chip and I to have her tiny body creamated. She looked practically perfect- even though she sustained fatal injuries in our incident. But because Wyndham was so critically ill and not expected to survive her injuries, and because Chip was hospitalized for a few weeks at that time too, it was a simple choice to have her cremated. We then had two different memorial services for Teagan about a month after her death- and one another month later back 'home' in Minnesota with family and friends.
We never dreamed as a young couple starting our family and careers that we would need to make a decision about what to do at the time of the death of a child. Our lives were so full of promise and it wasn't something that ever crossed our minds. Even as we had recently had a scare and nearly lost Wyndham. Just 6 months earlier. I think we felt invinceable. We weren't the "kind of people" that tragedy happened too. Those were the people we read about in the papers and watched on nightly news.
But here we are. Ten years later wondering what will we do next with a box that holds a huge piece of our hearts. There are lots of options in place. But none of them seems right to us yet. We're leaning most toward one day taking our family to the ocean- where Teagan ran and splashed and laughed and played when we lived in Florida- and spreading her ashes out across the waves.
For now, my heart is tender and moved to think that the energetic, blond-haired, blue-eyed girl that sang and danced circles around me and everyone she met could end up in a tiny box that came shipped to our home via registered mail. My world feels oh so upside-down at times. Yet I still cling to the promise that yes, we WILL see her again. That yes, there IS more to this life than that which our eyes can see. And when I close my eyes and feel the tears begin to well in them and a lump inches up in my neck making it hard for me to breathe, I remind myself that she was mine. I held her, loved her, kissed her, danced with her, sang with her, blew bubbles with her, had Coke floats with her, pushed her on the swings and rolled out pie dough with her. We ate apples and rhubarb and lobster and cupcakes and Tootsie Rolls and chocolate chip pancakes together. We fell asleep in each other's arms and together felt safe and happy and ready to take on whatever the world would send our way.
We may have gotten Teagan's remains in the mail last week. But in my heart I know her spirit still soars and that makes my heartache a tiny bit more bearable. Until we meet again.

She got her wish...

Today is Teagan's birthday. She would be 14, but as I've shared before, in my heart and mind she is four forever. This is the way I will remember her always. I will never forget how excited she was to be turning four. She wanted a butterfly cake and she got one. She actually celebrated her birthday twice that year. The second time she decorated her own mini cake with M & M's. She was surrounded by family and friends who loved and adored her. There was so much happiness and laughter in her world.

She got a lavendar Barbie Jeep and several other toys she wanted that year. She gave hugs and kisses in return. She was a bundle of love, joy, happiness and never-ending energy. There were days I felt like the luckiest mom to have such a special little girl in my life. From the moment the doctor said, "It's a girl!" and then placed her next to my cheek I felt something I never imagined I could feel. My heart overflowed with love and blessing at such a wonderful gift. She changed me. She changed me from the inside-out.

Ten years ago she was one of the happiest little 4-year old girl I had ever known... and she had a wish. A truly unusual wish for someone who loved life and lived it with such zeal. She told me several times in the next few months after her birthday that "she wanted to be 4 forever". I tried to talk her out of such a wish. Not that I ever dreamed that it would come true. I couldn't have known that it would.

If I had known I would have lived differently. I would have smothered her even more with love and hugs and praise and kisses. I would have breathed in her beauty and expressions and I would have taped her voice singing and laughing and I would have snapped a thousand more pictures of her too. I would have sung her to sleep and stayed next to her through the night just to memorize how she felt and soaked up her warmth a bit more. I would have run my fingers through her hair and wrapped my finger around her pinky even more tightly each time we pinky promised to love each other forever.

I couldn't have imagined such a childish wish coming true. But for some reason, beyond that which I will ever know or understand, she got her wish and that wish changed my life forever. Today is a day of remembering and wishing and dreaming and even for being thankful. I still feel like the luckiest mom some days. Today, as much as my heart is forever torn, I feel grateful. Grateful to have been given the gift of Teagan. Even if it was only 4 short years.

Happy Birthday Teagan, my little dream girl who still brings me to laughter and tears. You'll always be the love of my heart.

Mixed emotions.

This morning as we woke early {compared to the past several weeks of sleeping in until whenever this summer} to get ready to send Brock, Bella and Ava off to their first day of school I thought the hardest part was going to be the waking early part. It turns out that it wasn't the hard part at all. The kids were excited, their clothes and backpacks were laid out and ready to go and I simply had to make and pack their lunchboxes and they were basically all set. Ready to take on middle school, third and first grades- respectively.

Chip helped get them into the car with all their school supplies, backpacks and lunch bags and then they headed off. That's when I turned back to head inside and start the day with the other three at home- Wyndham, Crew and Teague. All three of them needed soggy, saggy diapers changed and after I re-tucked Wyndham in for some extra morning sleep time {she loves to sleep in and would do so til noon each day if we let her} and tossed her pull-up in the trash I felt the tears starting to sting my eyes. I finally let the emotions fill me and hit me and overwhelm me and then I let the tears fall. I felt the hurt this morning like I haven't felt in a long time. This time the tears stung my eyes and my heart ached- not for missing the kids I sent to school and realizing how much they are growing up, but instead I hurt for Wyndham and what she will never experience.

In the past I have hurt for missing Teagan and wondering how grown she would be and imagining what kind of backpack and clothes she would have picked out to start the schoolyear. This year I am hurting for two girls who didn't start school with their siblings. I hurt for the dreams that I had for them when they were tiny newborns- like Teague is in my arms these days. I let the tears fall for the emptiness I feel for what will never be, and what I still wish I could change on mornings such as these. I would wish it so different. I ache for once holding Teagan and Wyndham's little heads steady as they started to develop the strength to hold their own heads up, and I wished the world for them- just as I do for all my kids. I always hoped to be the mom who could be there to help mold and guide my kids into the potential that welled up in them from the time they were tiny babes. I always imagined that I would be there for their mountaintop experiences, as well as all the milestones in between.

Today is a day for mixed emotions. On one hand I am thrilled for my kids and the education and opportunities that await them. I once felt like I wanted to keep my kids home; close to me and safe forever, but soon realized that that only holds kids back. What I really want for my kids is a place for them to grow and blossom and be challenged in order that they might become all they are meant to be. Today Wyndham didn't get that chance, and it's yet another year that I face the fact that Teagan had her earthly dreams taken from her at such a young age too. It's a day of mixed hurt and feelings and I simply had to write it down here- just to get it out.

For me, writing it down {It hurts... I hurt... it's not fair... I wish it were different... I ache for Wyndham...} and letting the tears fall is part of the healing process that I find I still need. Especially on days like this. The process of grief goes on- just as the years and seasons change. Recognizing that we have had dreams shatter and change and then accepting the reality of what is now is simply a part of our lives now. I know a lot of moms who are shedding tears today as they send their little ones off to school for the first time... or the 10th. They ache and it is expected. But I have to say that what hurts more than sending a little loved on off to school is not being able to send them off to school. In a few weeks Wyndham will be prepping for her double-foot realignment surgery. Her life is about to take on a whole new level of pain and suffering and challenge and that makes my heart ache so much.

I wish she could have come to the store with Bella and Ava and picked out new shoes and clothes and a backpack for school. But for whatever reason, her life is taking her on a different journey. I let the tears fall today, but my hope for her is to still give her the best this world has to offer her- even though it doesn't look the way I had hoped and dreamed it would be. I don't know that writing this all out does anything for any of you, but I would appreciate if some of you helped share our 'burdens' and prayed with us to be hopeful even on the days that hurt. Especially on the days that hurt.

My heart is still full for the 3 kids we did send off to school this morning. I felt blessed- even as I changed 3 diapers of the other kids this morning, that I had them in my life to love and care for and to hold and show love to. I am a lucky mom and I never want to take motherhood for granted. The mixed emotions are a part of being a parent- as many of you already know. I just didn't expect the wave of emtions to flood over me like they did just now. And I hope that just as tears flow from hurt, I can expect tears of happiness to flood over me in the days and years to come too. True, Wyndham didn't wake up to get ready for her first day back to school. But she is still here and she can hug me and laugh with all of us and I get to brush her thick hair after her bath in just a bit and she dances with her daddy before bedtime each night and she is a bright, shining star in our lives no matter what she does. I can't change what has happened to her and I still wish I knew more about who Teagan would be at this point in her life; but accepting it all as it is is shaping and changing me to be different than I imagined and dreamed I'd be too. I am choosing to trust that despite the occasional tears we're all challenged to be better than what we would have been if our lives had simply stayed on a "safe path". I am choosing to trust- yet again- that God knew all this in advance and He is holding us and guiding us through the challenges and just as a parent to their child, He has big hopes and dreams for us and will see to it that we grow into the full potential He has given each of us. His ways are higher and I'm so glad they are. My mixed emotions are another reminder to me that I need to lean on Him and trust Him fully. Joy or pain... He understands it all. For that gives me real comfort and peace. Even on these mixed up, emotional kind of days.

Starting to think about baby.

Now that I am into my second trimester I am so happy to leave behind the morning sickness, fatigue and lack of energy to do anything. It is a relief to know that I actually do have desire and even a bit of energy to do some creative stuff in my "spare time" again. Half-way through the first trimester I began to think I may never create anything with my paper products again!

So this past week I was glad to have the chance to make a little something for a friend of ours who had a little book shower in the kindergarten class at school. The top three photos are pictures of the mini album I gave them to fill with pictures and notes about their adorable baby girl, Nora. I know that Nora's mom loves vintage things, so I pulled out a mix of my vintage and tiny flower patterned papers and then cut them up and glued/tied them together into this baby book. It was not only fun for me to put together, but fun to see how some of the random scrap stuff I have laying around my scraproom mixed and matched and turned out to be a cute little book.

In just a couple of short weeks we have an ultrasound and will likely be able to find out if our baby is a boy or girl. I am thinking after I find out I can start making another book and have it ready to fill with pictures well before our baby comes later this summer. I am looking forward to making a few baby things- it's my way to unwind, do some dreaming and use up my stuff all at the same time. A win-win!

One of the other projects I just came across and bookmarked is the cute shadowbox baby collage you see in the last photo- which I found here at giddy giddy blog. This could be a great project for not only babies, but kids of any age, weddings or just a neat way to show off a miniature collection too! I thought it was simple, sweet and I was definitely inspired and hope to make one of my own.

I am still overwhelmed at the thought of a newborn in our home, but at the same time I have been feeling some baby kicks and have to admit that it is a humbling and great honor to look forward to such a gift. We're also still gathering ideas for baby names, so feel free to leave your suggestions for us here. Baby naming is a task all its own! =)

Then & Now.

Our wedding day~ August 12, 1995 Fourteen years ago Chip and I were laughing, saying "I do", enjoying the company of lots of friends and family members, trying to stay cool (literally!), eating carrot cake and taking in our wedding day. It was wonderful.

Today I am wishing him a Happy Anniversary in person and on my blog.

Back then, I didn't even know what a blog was or that I would keep one in my life. Now I can't imagine how my life would be different without one.

In light of these 14 years that have passed and as I look back at our wedding photos I find myself in a reflective mood. I thought it would be fun to do a little list of comparisons, so in no specific order, and mostly off the top of my head, here they are:

Then: Had hours of "free time" and embroidered all the bridal party namecards.

Now: Can't imagine having time to embroider anything, let alone placecards!

Then: Spent a lot of money on our honeymoon to Kauai and didn't care nearly enough about the photographer/photos.

Now: I would be obsessive about the photographer and photos and not really care about the honeymoon destination- as long as we were together and ALONE! =)

Then: I rarely went a day without fixing my hair and make-up.

Now: It's rare when I actually have a day to fix my hair and do my make-up.

Then: I spent more time and money on hair/hair product.

Now: Chip spends more time/$ on hair and hair product. =)

Then: I had a specific number I wanted my weight to be at.

Now: As long as I stay under my top pregnancy weight, I'm fairly happy with the number.

Then: LOVED carrot cake.

Now: Still LOVE carrot cake. Some things don't ever change!

Then: Washed about 2-3 loads of laundry every 7 days.

Now: Wash 7 loads of laundry every 2-3 days.

Then: Never, ever wanted to have kids in our future.

Now: Have 6 kids and would adopt 6 more if I could talk Chip into it. {wink}

Then: Never dreamed how quickly 14 years could fly by.

Now: Have a feeling the next 14 years are going to fly by too quickly!

Then: Was madly and desperately in love with my husband and best friend, Chip.

Now: I am more in love with Chip than I ever imagined I could be and I hope he knows that.

I love you, Chip. Then and now. It's been amazing and wonderful and challenging and still is all those things- sometimes all within the same day. I'm so grateful and honored to be by your side after all these years and look forward to whatever the future holds for not just us anymore, but our whole family.

Happy 14th Anniversary!

She's no ordinary girl...

She's so much more than that. She loves the color orange. She loves the letter "w". She speaks volumes without ever saying a word. She is happy almost all the time. She got new polka-dot bedding and dreamsicle sheets from her Grandma Karen this past week.

She loved going to bed and sleeping in late before. She loves it even moreso now. The most challenging thing for her to do each day is to get out from under all the coziness and get up and ready for school and/or therapy.

You can just see the happiness on her face and in her eyes.

I have sometimes ached so much for all the things she may never get to do in her life. But the more I see her so happy and full of love over the simple things from day to day, the more I find myself thankful that she may never lead a 'normal' life.

I think about the fact that she may never have to fill out tax forms or find late fees on her credit card statements. I think she will be lucky to never worry about her weight. Or feel peer pressure to follow the crowd and find herself in situation she wished she wasn't in. I'm more and more grateful that she can express how she feels, yet she rarely gets upset or even cries.

The more I watch her grow and learn, the more it humbles me and yet makes me so proud to be her mom at the same time.

It's hard to even put into words how much her challenges have affected our day-to-day lives. But not a day goes by that I don't thank God for sparing her life and giving us the gift of Wyndham to enjoy everyday.

It's true. She's no ordinary girl. And I must admit, I like it that way. =)

I love you, Wyndham...you're an extraordinary girl!

One last day of partying-

Wyndham turned 8 today and she was happy as can be. The kids all enjoyed their last day of Christmas break before school starts back tomorrow by helping Wyndham open her presents and blow out her candles. We kept it fairly simple and went to church, out for lunch and then kicked back all afternoon. As you can see in these pictures, Wyndham was very happy to be the center of attention and she was so proud to blow her candles out too. She even picked out her cupcake decorations and was "helping" me with the frosting of them.

This day is actually a bittersweet one for me, to be honest with you. I tucked Wyndham in bed last night and told her it was her last day being 7. She has been signing birthday and cake and she knew it was going to be her special day today. But even as her happiness was so infectious and I marveled at how much she has grown and changed and overcome, my mind still went to the place I try so hard to avoid so often. That is the place in my heart and mind where I wonder about all of the hopes and dreams and things she may never experience because of her injuries sustained in our tragic incident. It hurts for me to look at her knowing so much was taken from her, and although she is doing so well at this point, there is just that knot in my throat that hits me full-on when we mark big occasions like today.

I wonder if she will ever get to tell me with her voice all the thoughts that must run through her head each day; I wonder how she really feels inside. I asked her what kind of cake she wanted- chocolate or white and she just smiled at me. She finally pointed to white, but I wondered if it was because of the sprinkles on the package that she wanted most of all. I know it sounds like a little thing, but I'm really feeling the hurt tonight after recognizing what it is.

Sometimes I forget that we have any ongoing "issues" as a result of our tragedy. We live each day with so much "normal" and ordinary that it doesn't seem to affect us all that much anymore. But my mind went there today- to the wondering of how things might have been or how they might continue to be in the future.

Don't get me wrong. You can see from the photos that there was a lot of love and happiness in our home and lives today. We are blessed more than many to have love and happiness in our lives each day. But there is still a sense of something not-quite-right in my heart. Special days make me miss Teagan too. Wyndham is now twice as old as Teagan ever got to be. It's been a long struggle to get her (Wyndham) here too. I was thinking how Wyndham has had hundreds of shots, 2 medical helicopter rides in her life, 3 ambulance rides and more hours of therapy than I can count. Yes, she's been through so much and she has come so far. She's nothing short of amazing and I thank God for the way He has healed her even when we weren't sure of her prognosis. We still don't know what her future holds- I don't know how many birthdays any of my kids will celebrate, and I try not to take any of them for granted. As hard as it is, I know that choosing to celebrate and be happy in life even after all we've been through is the best gift I can give to my family and everyone around me. Today I am reminded that it's not an easy path, but there is reward in the effort for choosing to rise above. And in the long run, choosing vanilla cake over chocolate is really not a bad choice either. Even if it was picked only for the colored sprinkles that were pictured on the box.

Happy birthday, my dear little Wyndham. I love you with all my heart!

To think I almost got my "wish".

I am blogging one-handed and it feels amazing. I have the most delicate-smelling, soft, sweet, perfectly formed baby boy in my arm and on my chest. My heart feels as though it could explode. In the best way possible- from overflowing love and wonder. My mind can hardly wrap around the fact that I once made Chip prmise me we would never, ever have kids. It was the one wish- the one desire of my heart as I dreamed of my/our future together back in 1994.
And now here I sit...with a heart so dramatically changed- so transformed- so humbled that I am brought to tears.
I hardly recognize myself. I have thanked God a hundred times in just the past 3 hours that His plan for my future included not only Teagan, Brock, Wyndham, Bella and Ava, but someone so precious I couldn't have picked out a more amazing little one- Baby Crew.
I just want to give praise and glory and honor to God- from whom ALL things flow. I thank Him for the things He has given and blessed our lives with, and I thank Him for knowing what is best for us every single day. The trials and hardships definitely make moments and days like today a million times more incredible and memorable. Sometimes it's hard to accept all that we walk through...but there are mountaintop peaks from which I blog right now, and looking at life from this point just makes it so worth it.
Worth all the pain.
Worth the surrender.
Worth the questions I've asked.
Worth the concerns that I've entertained.
Thanks to so many of you for loving our family though all these things. For praying. For caring.
For just following "our story" and letting us touch your lives in some small way.
God is good.

I feel wonderful at this point and after such a speedy induced labor/delivery I am ready to have three more. It's Chip that needs the convincing now. And I know the hardest part would be choosing all the names!
I promise pictures as soon as I get my laptop. But until then, you can take my word for it that Crew is more than I thought a baby could be. At two hours and 15 minutes old, I stared down at him and the tears flowed freely. He's so perfect, like I said, I just couldn't believe he was mine. I have never deserved such a gift. But I am going to soak up every minute of him. He's just hours old and already I can't imagine my life without him. I am totally and completely smitten. And it's the most wonderful thing. Ever.

"For better or for worse..."

We looked a little bit younger in 1995, didn't we?! Thankfully our hearts were meant to be together forever and always. I love you, Chip...Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to my husband, Chip of thirteen years!
I have about a hundred things I could blog about tonight, but since it is our anniversary I'll just touch on a couple of them and then go squeeze in next to Chip to watch a bit more of the Olympics on tv.
My family (parents, niece and nephew) arrived at our home at 5:30 a.m. on Monday morning after an all-night drive from the Twin Cities, MN. Life around here has been nothing short of dramatic and event-filled ever since then. Hence the lack of blog posts. And some of you probably thought I was just trying to rest myself and keep from going into early labor! Ha!
There has been lack of sleep, lots of food and laughing and bath time and catching up with stories, in addition to a trip to Lake Michigan beachfront, attack of bees and lots of other stuff in between all of that.
Poor Wyndham and a neighbor boy got stung two and three times yesterday. Then today, the wasps attacked again and struck my nephew 3 times, Aly once, my Dad once and Ava got it in the eye. That's why you see her "winking" in the last photo. Her eye totally swelled shut from her sting. We adults all felt so bad and Chip made an emergency run to the store and has since taken out every nest around our home. So hopefully we have taken care of the bee problem...we are lucky nobody is seriously allergic to them. We've now officially had enough of their aggression for one summer. Or two or three!
As we watched our wedding video this evening, with all the kids and my parents at our side, I just think back to what I had visioned in my head as my future 13 years ago on this day. I couldn't have been happier to have Chip at my side- pledging his love and committment to us forever. I was so happy to be committed to "us" as well- although I really had no clue what it would entail. But here we are...marking 13 years of marriage in our lives and it's really a wonderful thing for me to see that although my 'vision' and reality have very rarely even aligned with one another, that the story is still charming, full and always adventure-filled. Not in the way I pictured it...but the fact is I feel blessed to play a leading role alongside Chip everyday.
The "worse" has been far worse than I ever dreamed it could be.
Yet the "better" has and continues to exceed my expectations.
Bee stings and all.
I publicly announce my love and committment to Chip and to my family again today- just as I did to him 13 years ago. I didn't know then what our future held, but I knew Chip was the very one I wanted to be beside me as it unfolded before us. One day- one moment at a time. There have been struggles. There have been miracles. There have been tears of sorrow and tears of joy. There has been so much, that I can't help but love him more- for and through all of it.
Happy annivesary, Chip. I love you today.
I will loved you yesterday.
I will love you tomorrow and forever.
Thank you for being with me. Through it all.
xoxo