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Sometimes it's quite a struggle for me to balance the things I "have to do" and the "things I enjoy doing" from day to day. It's not that I don't like being a mom and staying home to care for my family. It is quite a blessing and privilege in my life to be able to do so. But I do struggle with days in a row where the routine-ness of it adds up and it can make me weary. Making meals, cleaning up, starting laundry, folding laundry and keeping tabs on kids' homework isn't always a thrill day in and day out. Especially so in the long winter months here in Michigan.
So I find myself very thankful to have my hobby and outlet in scrapbooking. I am on two different design teams {both Maya Road and Cocoa Daisy} and it is truly the creativity that I crave that keeps my spirits up at times. I wonder if my kids or anyone will care to look back on some of the photos, stories and things I've made years from now, but even if they don't I know that it has been fun for me. Just as some people sit and watch sports on tv or paint or do crossword puzzles or work out. Whatever it is that fills a certain point of happiness inside of you I think is an important part of life.
Even if it means you document things like how much you appreciate breakfast with your husband on occasion. =)
I am actually getting excited to do lots of picture-taking and memory-making when I get to join Chip for a weekend in Palm Springs, next week. He will be out there for some golf adventures, and I am meeting up with him to round out his week. The warmth and sunshine are high on my list of "things I think I will love about Palm Springs"! I know there will be some relaxation, good food, fun memories and hopefully some great scrap pages when I get home from the trip too!
I'll be sure to post some pictures of our trip- both on FB and Instagram too. So if you don't already connect with me in those places, feel free to send me a request!
I hope my phone has room for all the photos I plan to take!
I have been busy behind the scenes of Nitty.Gritty. Our fall slipped very quickly into the first white of winter this week when we awoke to a whole backyard/golf course covered in snow. The good news is that it has already melted again, and we also learned how cozy our fireplace heats and makes our house feel. My scrap loft is just up and over the stairway from the living room, so all the heat rises and I was happy to plunk myself down in there and make a pretty mess! =)
The next kit is just about to be revealed. It's called Stargazing and it is full of Cocoa Daisy exclusive designs and products. It is my favorite kit and combination of 'stuff' and has made me happy as I cut it up and crafted with it. I get to be the host on the message boards on Monday night when the kit goes live, so feel free to stop in and say hi while you get the first look at everything in this kit. It's a good one!
The following weekend- Nov. 1-3 is the fall online crop. I am teaching a class called, "Layers of Goodness:: 1 class, 3 ways" and it has been fun putting it all together, so I am excited to share it with whoever wants to log on next Friday night. I promise it is easy, fun and hopefully it will kickstart some ideas in your own head that you can turn into a cool project of your own. This is such a great time of year to settle down and make pretty things. If you're like me, you wish someone would jump in and make dinner and do your laundry so you can scrap some more! =)
My kids have had three days off of school this week due to parent-teacher conferences and fall break. They all received really great reports and assessments from their respective teachers. I am a proud mom to them as they have been through so many transitions and yet still are making the most of it and trying their best through all of it. I am thankful for teachers and staff that have helped them succeed too. Wyndham also started school and has gone to her new classroom for the past 10 days. She attends a local area learning center and we have been so proud of how she has settled into her new routine and she is very happy to be back it school it seems. There are about 10 students in her class with various challenges and issues. There are several other classrooms at her school too, where we have seen just how blessed Wyndham is to be functioning at the level that she is at. There was a bit of heartache and heartbreak for me when we first toured the school and I saw just how many kids there are with life challenges far greater than the ones we deal with every day.
I'll be honest, it was hard to see the severity of some of their special needs. This world throws out a lot of curveballs and when they hit innocent little kids it is hard to swallow. But in those same hallways and classrooms I saw people helping and caring and meeting needs that made me realize just how lucky these kids are too. There is something very special about those who serve and teach and love people with disabilities. I am sure the ones serving and caring would tell you story after story about how they feel blessed to do what they do too.
As Chip and I dropped Wyndham off on her first day we stayed and helped her get settled in and just observed her interactions for a bit. The first part of her class the teacher goes over the basics, such as calendar, weather and lunch orders. You know, the important stuff in life! =) Each student gets a chance to respond to what month and day it is and the teacher goes around the room letting them say or point to the answer on the smartboard on the screen up front. It was quite the lesson for me as I watched this unfold. First of all, it was a Monday in October. I don't know about you, but a Monday in October can be a pretty challenging thing just getting up and going. But these kids taught me something and I want to share it with all of you...and hopefully revisit this life lesson often, as needed.
It went like this: As the teacher announced to the class that today was Monday and the month was October, some of the kids started cheering and getting excited as they raised their hand to repeat the answer. One little guy especially could hardly contain his excitement. She called on him first. Willie answered, "Monday and October" and then he clapped loudly and repeated 'Monday' in sort of a chant/cheer format. He was all smiles and even though it was a cold Monday in October, his enthusiasm and sheer happiness over answering correctly was contagious. Little Willie has no idea that so many people hate Mondays. He has no idea that Monday is the dreaded day of the week for countless people going back to school and work or whatever it is that they do on Monday. He has no idea that some people wake up on Monday counting down the days til Friday.
And it hit me in such a vivid way that we ALL need a little more joy and contentment and excitement and enthusiasm in 'this moment'- even when, or should I say especially when it is Monday! Several of the other kids were all smiles and seemed very happy to announce that it was Monday that day too. Despite all the challenges they had going on in their bodies and minds, they had something going so 'right' too. Far better than many people who aren't labeled "special needs or challenged". Their attitude toward life and learning is something to be envied. I walked into that building feeling sorry for all the kids and heavy-hearted for the families who even need the extra assistance and care of the staff at that school. However, I walked out of that building softened and changed a tiny bit as I realized that maybe I am the one with the challenges and they are the teachers to the rest of us. Disability is only that when we allow it to hold us back. These kids and teachers are ready and even experts, I think, at taking on life just as it is handed to them and making the very best out of it. Even on Mondays. Now that is something to aspire too!
I think Wyndham is lucky to be in such a special place.
I almost don't know what to say. Life, as we start to settle into our new house, after just one week since our moving date is almost too good to be true. That's not to say that we haven't put in long days or worked hard for what we have. But all in all it has gone so much better and easier than Chip and I had anticipated.
We have already enjoyed the early morning sunrises, with beautiful pinks and orange hues right outside our bedroom window. We have checked out the local Farmers' Market and have enjoyed cooking some meals and making brownies in our new kitchen as we get unpacked and make it feel like home around here. The space just seems to work so well for the needs of our family, and having a clean slate to set up has gone smoothly just having it be fresh and clean too!
Today half of our kids started school. They are at three different schools and each of them seemed comfortable and even a bit excited about the new changes ahead of them. I have done a lot of praying about the friends they will meet and make, and I know they are ready to be challenged and grow in many ways as a result of this new experience in their lives too. Wyndham still has a few details to be worked out before she starts her classes and therapies, and Crew is in the registration process for starting preschool too. The house could get very quiet around here on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursday mornings! I haven't been home with just one child in years!
I am pleased to tell you that Cocoa Daisy's September kit~ 5th and Main ~ is available for purchase now! You can get some of the extra papers too. The rest of the add-ons and The Day in the Life kit have sold out, but as you can see, the main kit is still full of so many great items that I can't wait to get back out of boxes and get to scrapping again! I have lots of unpacking to do when it comes to the kids' closets, my scrapbook space and we have a few big purchases to make- including the bed we are thinking about pictured above. SO much going on in such a short amount of time! It sort of makes my head spin when I pause to think about all of it. But at the same time it truly feels like home here already. It's as if a weight was lifted off of our shoulders when we moved into this place. I don't fully know how or why that it, but I can honestly tell you that it feels good.
So good in fact, that I am about to go make chocolate chip cookies so the kids have a yummy first-day-back-to-school snack when they walk in the door. Oh yes, for now anyway, life is sweet. and this place feels like Home.Sweet.Home.
Cocoa Daisy's full reveal of September's kit- 5th and Main happens tonight! Somehow between selling a house and buying a new one and then moving just yesterday I managed to find time to scrap and make the pages you see peeks of above. My scrap supplies are all in boxes right now, but let me tell you this, that I have a fun idea in my head for a mini book with this kit too. I also got the Day in the Life kit this month and it is sweet! It has the perfect set of cards and stamps to fit the great day that Chip and I had celebrating our anniversary in Chicago a couple of weeks ago.
I can't wait to get my scrap space set up in my new house. I'm not sure where it's going to be yet, but I am sure it's going to make me happy when it is finally said and done and I anticipate lots of happy crafting in this house. Above is a view of our main living/dining/kitchen space as it looks right now. We are already happy with the feel of this home just 24 hours after moving in. Hopefully we will like it even more with each box we unpack!
Yay for new streets, new kits, new beginnings and new changes to embrace and celebrate. Feel free to stop by Cocoa Daisy's message board tonight at 8 eastern time and see what the rest of these pages and full kit look like. I hope you end up loving it as much as I do!
It's 3:47am. I am blogging. That means a couple of things are going on. One is that I am awake and my mind is spinning. The other thing is that the house is quiet and calm because everyone else is sleeping. I guess this is the only time I have available to blog in my life as there is never a dull moment in my day. This also explains the lack of posts. I am usually asleep at this time of the night. I already know I am going to regret being up right now and doing this, even in just 4 hours or so. But I am here for now. So I will squeeze in as much as I can- even though the past few weeks in the life of the Ferlaaks deserves it's own book. It's been that wild and crazy!
But even a tad fun.
And a whole lot of amazing.
And that is why my head is spinning and I am here typing.
Sometimes life gets going. Going in a certain direction. Other times it just stands still. And it drags. Or just is. Still at other times life starts moving, and I can tell something is up. I might not always know why or what or how come, but there's a feeling that something is going on.
That is what I write of today.
To do so, I need to finish a blogpost that I started a couple of weeks ago, and never got around to finishing, much less posting. It was a typical summer morning. Chip got up, showered and was saying his goodbyes for the day. The kids aren't always awake. At least not all of them. And sometimes some are eating breakfast and playing on the iPads and Chip and I have yet to get up. We're all over the place with our schedule in the summer. We like late nights {not normally as late as the one I am having right now!} and long mornings. We have very little on our agendas. Except to say goodbye and give Daddy hugs and kisses before he leaves for work.
This particular morning Chip was saying his goodbyes and as he did I could just begin to hear Teague start to fuss in his bedroom. He still sleeps in a crib {he just turned 3 and we love that he loves his crib and stays put in there!} and so someone has to come and get him out each morning. He got a bit louder just as Chip was putting his hand on the doorknob to leave, and I looked at Chip and said, "Go now so Teague won't have a meltdown saying goodbye". That's what Teague does.
He loves his daddy. He loves his dad a whole lot. With Chip's long hours at work in the summer, sometimes we don't see him a whole lot. So when Chip leaves, Teague cries. And throws a fit on the front step. Then Chip leaves and feels guilty. And I am left with a little guy doing limp body and fussing in the front step for several minutes some mornings. It makes me want to drink more coffee. That's what was ahead of us if Chip stuck around while I got Teague up, so instead Chip quickly left, and I went to go get Teague out of his bed. He started to fuss louder when I got him out. I gave him some morning hugs and kisses. But he just put on his best pouty face and started crying. "Do you want some orange juice, Teague?" "Do you want your little lamby and yellow blankie?" I started asking questions. "Calm down, mister...it's morning time and we get to have a fun day!" This is what I was saying to him as his crying started to get louder and louder. The other kids had joined my question party by this time and they were all using their "happy voices" wishing him a good morning and offering kisses and other ideas like toaster waffles.
Nothing was working.
I just held him for a minute longer. He kept on crying. I asked him to "use your words" and tell Mommy what's wrong. His crying finally got quieter, and he looked right at me and said, "I wanted to give Daddy a kiss."
My heart basically melted.
He had been listening to the other kids say their goodbyes, and he had no way of getting in on the hugs and kisses and send-off. I was happy to finally know that there actually was a "real problem" and my "real solution" was that we could call Daddy on his phone and say good morning and goodbye all at once. I took Teague to the kitchen to get my phone and I told him my plan. I dialed Chip and he answered. Which I typically don't like him to do if he's in a car. "What's up?" he asked. He never knows what to expect when I call him. I don't do it often, but there's always a 50/50 that it's a good or bad thing. I said, "Teague was just waking up when you left and he is so upset that he didn't get to hug you goodbye." I fully expected Chip to say, "Put him on and I'll talk to him for a minute." Instead, Chip said, "I'm on my way home."
I was more than a bit surprised. Chip has a lot on his plate in life and at work these days. Several minutes had gone by since he had left home, so this wasn't just a quick turn around at the end of the block. I set the phone down and Teague just about had another meltdown right then and there. I grabbed his little hand and said, "come outside on the front step...Mommy wants you to get a surprise!" Kids love surprises, but not so much when they are just coming off of a meltdown and the drama of crying for the first several minutes of their day.
We sat on the front step. Brock joined us. We looked at the sky. We listened to a couple of birds. We saw the grass. And flowers. It must have felt to Teague as though I was the biggest phony surprise thrower of all time. At one point I finally told him to be quiet and listen. I could hear Chip's car coming down the street. Teague was on my lap on the front step clueless that his morning wish was about to come true!
I think Teague was about to start crying all over again when I told him to look down the street as far as he could to see if he could see anything. Brock was starting to grin at this point. And a few seconds later Chip's vehicle pulled back into our driveway. "Daddy's home!! Daddy came back! It's Daddy!"
Teague was so excited. I am getting a knot in my throat right now even as I type it out, because it was a truly magical moment. My little clueless, upset two-year old {at that time} suddenly had his whole morning turned around. His little heartbroken request that he had finally spilled out to me when "he used his words" hadn't just been a cry of hurt and disgust that fell on deaf ears. Instead, his cry had been heard, and more than loud and clear, his heartbreak at not being able to say goodbye and give a hug had turned to complete and utter joy at the surprise return from Chip coming back to more than meet his need.
I actually caught part of the whole scene on one of our iPad cameras. I snapped the picture in this post of Teague and Daddy together for that brief couple of moments that morning too, and those smiles are the real deal! Teague's fussing was so quickly forgotten and his tiny arms wrapped so tight around his dad and the 'drama' of our morning up to that point all melted into a beautiful embrace. I was so happy for Teague.
I was so proud of Chip and my heart melted at just how big his heart is at times too. He chose to come home, when a simple hello on the phone would have salvaged a part of Teague's hurt. He went beyond what he needed to do and it blew me and Teague away. The whole scene has played over and over in my mind the past few weeks.
It is so late and I am so tired, and there is so much more to this story. The part about how that picture in my mind so parallels what God has been doing in my heart and life too. It's been unfolding for months. Years, I believe.
God has been up to something.
I've been in a place where the only way 'out' {like Teague in his crib} was going to happen when God chose to get me out. I needed my Father to pick me up and open a door. I was kicking and crying, and even though I could have had a toaster waffle or juice or any number of things to bring me happiness, all the while He had a plan to bring me more than that. He has been up to something for awhile now. And I couldn't see it, hear it, or have a clue what it was. Just as Teague had no clue Chip was already on his way home with a big hug and kiss waiting for him on arrival.
He could have settled for a quick phonecall and chat with Daddy. But Chip had a better idea. And even though it temporarily broke Teague's heart for me to not let him talk on the phone, or even tell him that Daddy was coming home, I knew it was going to be a wonderful and even better surprise in the end.
I knew it would be worth Teague's confusion as he waited on a front step without a clue. I knew it would be more than worth it for him to see that Chip drove back home just to see him! I knew it was going to make the tears of the morning literally disappear. His sorrow would be turned to joy, and it was! Teague's whole morning was made!
My heart has been so hurt for a long time for many different reasons. Some days I haven't had a clue as to how life has played out the way it has for us. But for some reason- as reason I still don't know or understand- in the past few weeks too many things have happened that make me literally see God's hand in life's details. It has been wonderful. It has been amazing at times. It has been fun even! My heart has felt happiness in the truest sense of the word. Our house sold. A new one just happened to fall into place for us. At just the right place. At just the perfect time.
Chip and I somehow managed to go out on a date together. It has been more than a year since we have done that. And we didn't just get a date. We took a whole day trip together. And nothing went 'wrong' the whole day. In spite of the downpour we got stuck in as we walked from Navy Pier in Chicago to Millenium Park. We laughed together. We enjoyed each other. We had actual conversations. About things other than kids or work. There has been so much going on in the past few weeks that my head is still spinning and we still have a move ahead of us this coming Tuesday. I should be overwhelmed. I should be freaking out. I should be asking myself how on earth is everything going to get done that needs to get done?!
Instead I am blogging. I am doing something I rarely get a chance to do anymore. I needed to write. I needed to come here and tell the world that God is amazing. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him or have a clue if He is even listening to our fussing and cries. I want to assure myself and whomever else reads here that He is. He is real. He gives life to dry bones. He longs to do good things in the hearts and lives of those who love Him. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is good and kind and fun even! He is a God who listens, who loves, who makes time for us, who knows better than we know ourselves just how to fill our lives with goodness and joy.
I don't know if Teague even remembers the day that Daddy came back. But one day, maybe one day when all the world has let him down or life is threatening to steal his joy, I want to remind him of this story. That really happened. That was so beautiful and pure and true that it will hopefully stir in his heart a little something that makes him want to be a better person and believe in goodness and Love again.
I have sometimes wondered. I have doubted far too many times in my life.
I am ashamed because I have known since I was about Teague's size that I love a God who is bigger and more powerful than any mind can comprehend. Yet still my trust has worn thin at times and I have wondered if my prayers have even been heard.
He has heard every one. He has a plan to meet every need. His plans are good. His ways are higher. I am humbled and honored to give all my praise to Jesus, my Lord. I don't know what lies just ahead in this next adventure in life. I am just so thankful that I never need to doubt or wonder if God is real. He is. And He is so Good. He is so Good to me.
Our family just marked another year gone by since the tragedy that claimed Teagan's life and altered us forever occurred. It has been 12 years now. I think one of the things that stood out most to me this year is just how much Teagan will always be a part of our life story~ no matter how much time goes on. The memories of that day are so vivid and clear to me, and I doubt they will ever fully fade. There was so much trauma and weeks of hospital and intense concern surrounding all of our injuries and recovery, that I am sure would take a lifetime to forget. I do know that it sometimes still feels like it all happened yesterday, and the ache of the reality that Teagan is truly gone doesn't ever diminish. The hole she left in our hearts and lives is still the same size as it was the day she was taken off of life support. We have done lots of living between then and now, but who she was and how she changed our lives for the better from the moment she was born will never change.
And for that, I am grateful, and I will always thank God for sending such a vibrant, sweet, beautiful girl into our lives.
I am glad that we didn't get stuck in that place of grief and sorrow that threatens to consume and overwhelm one's life in the days and weeks following death. There was so much pain and darkness in that pit of sorrow. I was so angry to be in it at times, knowing how amazing and pleasurable life had been before being thrown into this place unannounced. I was angry that life for our family was being defined by such an ugly event, and I was angry that our joy had been ripped from our hands without giving us a choice or chance to do anything about it. That was a hard place to be, for sure. All I wanted was out of there, and yet as our injuries and Wyndham's challenges became our new way of life, I realized we would never fully 'escape' the pain and grief.
Chip and I struggled with how to move forward through those early days. I spent many of them weeping and struggling to even catch my breath through my sobs, as my physical pain hurt and my broken heart hurt and life seemed only dark and daunting. I didn't believe we would ever be 'whole' again. I didn't believe there would ever come a day when we wouldn't feel sadness. I felt like all of life was tainted and the only thing I wanted back was a small taste of joy.
I didn't know how that could happen though, because our whole world was pain- from the nightmares I woke up from in the night, to Brock's post traumatic stress syndrome, to Wyndham's injuries and meds and Chip's broken bones...it was all so painful. We didn't even come home from the hospital for 3 weeks. It felt like an eternity. It felt like our nightmare would never end.
In our sorrows and grief and heartache and pain, Chip and I knew we wanted something more. We wanted to be able to live again! We wanted days filled with laughter and fun and happiness. We were living in darkness and we wanted so much to believe that there was Joy for the taking somewhere in the world again. We made a vow to fight for that together. We cried together for what we had lost and for what our "new normal" looked like now. I knew I needed Chip to be by my side- but fully understood how marriages fall apart in those dark valleys of life. I am glad that as hard as some of the days and months and years have been, that after 12 years of hardship, we are still together. We have had ups. We have had lots of downs.
We have had miracles happen.
We have loved deeper and more easily.
We have looked for ways to make new happy memories.
We have fought for joy and laughter.
We have been blessed beyond measure.
We still miss Teagan everyday.
We still lean on God as our source of strength, comfort and Joy.
He is our Rock, our healer and the One who has held us together and carried us through it all.
Our family has grown in number and there have been days that have overflowed with joy and happiness in our life in the past 12 years. I never could have imagined ordinary days being able to be full of happiness again. But we have lived them, so I know they exist. The journey of grief is long and hard and I don't wish it on anybody. My heart goes out to everyone touched by loss of a loved one. Something as simple as going to Despicable Me 2 can be a simple pleasure. Having a healthy family and opportunities to watch my kids grow and learn and to make memories together as a family are the very things that make life so worthwhile. Seeing beauty in the smallest things shows just how merciful, gracious and loving God is. That He cares about all the details of our lives is amazing. It's humbling. That He would reach down and enter into our hurts and cry with us and guide us out of the valley of darkness and death into the fullness of life again is the miracle in our lives everyday.
I sometimes get lost in the place of pity and heartache much more easily than I ever did before our tragedy. I am so thankful that God doesn't allow me to sit and wallow forever.
I am so glad that He put in me- in Chip- the desire to want to live a life of joy again. Even in simple things like baking homemade chocolate chip cookies and dreaming of what lies ahead in life. I am glad that little things- like piles of laundry and noisy kids- are sometimes my biggest reminders of what I love and care most about- the special people in my life are my greatest blessings. The Hope of heaven keeps me going.
If someone had said I would have 6 kids, and be on a scrap team and blog and smile when I use a pink vacuum, and riding carts at Target would all be a part of my life at this time in 2001, I never would have believed it. But I am so glad that they way I imagined life playing out versus the reality of how it actually does look are so vastly different, that I hardly recognize the 'old life' anymore. I am holding on to the good memories as tight as I can. But I am ever grateful that my heart and hands were opened to embrace what God has placed back into our lives. It's pretty great, and I am so blessed to be able to say so!
In case you happen to like the scrap goodies you see in the pages I made here as much as I love them, you can get them for yourself starting tomorrow at Cocoa Daisy.com. It is a truly wonderful thing to me, to be able to use my hands and create something- just for the fun and joy of it. I never thought that would happen in my life ever again. And now I do it every single month! And lots of times in between too! God is a God of miracles. I take one look at my life as it is now and I know that it is true.
Here are a few sneak peeks of Cocoa Daisy's August kit called, "80 Days". I am serious when I say I absolutely love everything in it and about it! It is travel-themed in regards to the papers, stamps and embellishments, but I am telling you that there is so much versatility in everything that I want to scrap it for so many topics! I managed to even put a cute Minion on a page this month. That's how fun and lovable this kit is! =)
I wore makeup and hung out scrapping one day too, because honestly I let myself go far too many days in a row in the summer. well, um, I do that in the fall, spring and winter too. But anyway, I took two minutes to actually put a bit of makeup on and I hit my scrap room feeling on top of things. Which is my favorite way to scrap! Clean house? Check. Dinner easy or ready to go? Check. Kids minding business and happy? Check.
Commence scrapping.
That's how I roll. =) So I now have a couple of pages I love and another Day in the Life page to add to my growing album too. Tomorrow night is the full reveal and you are going to want to get your hands on this one. You have my word on it! www.cocoadaisy.com That's your link to scrap happiness this coming month. Hooray!
It was an amazing day yesterday on many levels. Life has so many ups and downs and twists and turns. Sometimes several rollercoaster rides occur even before noon around our house! It is a tricky thing to find some sort of balance, but never more so than when it comes to grief and living with the loss of loved one, and holding onto those memories, but not letting them suck the joy out of the life you still live even though they're gone. We've been riding this coaster for years now and it is still a process of growing and learning for me. I think it always will be.
So yesterday was a special day for our family. It has been an extra special day since June 30, 2001. That was the day that Coke Float Day was set in motion. We just wouldn't know that until a year later when we made it official. Here is the story behind the original photo of Chip and Teagan. It was 11:00 at night and Teagan always stayed up late to have her Daddy time. She was a Daddy's girl through and through and a night owl too, which was a lucky thing for both of them because he worked late and long hours especially in the summertime. But she still had energy to dance and laugh and listen to Larry Lizard stories with Chip at bedtime. This night Chip came in, changed clothes and grabbed a cold can of Coke out of the refrigerator. Teagan was right on his heels. She wanted some pop too. "Please, Daddy?!" and those big blue eyes! How could a daddy who had spent his day with golfers coming in and out of the Pro Shop, say no to cute, big blues eyes like that...and a beckoning smile to go along with them? Well, the answer is that he couldn't. Not that night anyway. I was ready to crawl into bed, exhausted from home keeping and taking care of Teagan {4}, Brock {2} and Wyndham {just 6 months old} at that time. I wanted no part of Teagan drinking a sugary, caffeinated cola at that hour, I do remember that. However, not that many months earlier we had lived through the scare of our lifetime when Wyndham was just 3 weeks old and having trouble breathing and eating. I had found her turning blue and called 911- this after she had visited the ER 3 times already. Her subsequent trip by helicopter downstate to Hurley Hospital turned into a 5 day stay where the doctors had saved her life and we had been given a second chance at happiness with 3 small children again. Chip and I knew we had brushed death with Wyndham and that incident had given us a new perspective on life. Even when it was 11 o'clock and kids should be tucked into bed by that time of the night! In light of our heightened appreciation for the moments we had with our kids and how precious even the tired moments could be, we did something a little different that night.
Instead of me rolling my eyes and getting upset with Teagan for not wanting to settle in for the night or me grumbling at Chip that he should have waited to open his soda after she was in bed, I went to the cupboard and pulled out a couple of malt glasses. I pulled some vanilla ice cream from the freezer and the next thing you know happiness and delight filled the kitchen as Teagan realized she and Daddy were having a special date night and on the menu were Coke Floats! I remember her smiles and excitement so clearly. She had a way of lighting up a room and add a Coke Float and let's just say the happiness was palpable. Teagan and Daddy sat at her little table; I grabbed the camera. I had no idea that snapping a couple of photos of this simple moment in time was going to turn into anything bigger than the feeling we had of goodness and happiness at that shared moment in time. I knew I was happy that we were ending the day on a positive note. I was thankful for how we were living with intention about making the most of the time with our kids- which is why we were sipping Coke floats at such a late hour. I was glad to know that whatever I had done "wrong" that day as a mom was forgiven with such ease as making a sweet bedtime treat. My heart was full that night knowing I had done something right and it was so well-received.
I couldn't have known that those few moments in the kitchen would turn into a memorial day for our family. I never dreamed that something as simple as a late-night Coke float would be one of the tickets our family has needed and used year after year, on which to build new happy memories and pull ourselves from the pit of sorrow that consumed us when Teagan died so suddenly exactly one month to that day later. I have written about how I was glad I didn't know what our future held for Teagan and our family back then. It most certainly would have brought dread into moments like these that we did have with Teagan in her final days on earth. We didn't know then, but we know now.
We know now that life is even more precious than we realized it was back then. We have learned that life is a gift every single day. We have learned that life with a Teagan-sized hole in our hearts can never be filled, but it can be recalled and celebrated and still enjoyed.
Anyone who has lost a loved one can tell you just how hard the first year is- every big and little thing that you miss about your loved one is magnified and the loss is felt in new ways over and over and over again until you feel you will run out of tears from all the sorrowing. The ache grows bigger and the hole feels larger as the reality takes hold and grips your heart and mind. Teagan was never coming back. She would never hug us or laugh or sing and play with us again. She would never stay up late and sleep in til noon. She was simply going to be missed. Every single day of the life we had left without her. That reality filled my heart and life with dread so many times. I have written about how I grieved her so much as I just tried to wash and fold a load of whites and her days of the week underwear were no longer in the pile to be folded. I spent hours looking through photo albums of the life we had shared with her and luckily captured on film too. The date stamped on the corner of those pictures sometimes just made my heart ache more. It was so stark in front of me that her life and come and gone and things we had loved and laughed and enjoyed with Teagan became a list of things in my heart I never wanted to do again because they would only make me miss her more and hate the reality of the life we were handed when she died.
As I flipped through the photo album and came upon pictures like Coke floats with her my heart ached. But I also had learned that hard lesson before she was gone that these kind of moments were so precious and the very things we wanted to enjoy in life! I knew in my heart that as much as my grief wanted to drown me and steal all the joy life held that I couldn't let that happen. And not because of me, but because I was still wanting to give Brock and Wyndham the life I had wanted to share with them and Teagan before she was gone. I knew that striking all the fun, happy things out of our life because they caused pain wasn't going to bring me more happiness, but instead they would bring more sorrow. More hurt.
That is how Coke Float Day was born. It didn't come from a family looking to be an inspiration to anyone. It didn't come from Chip and Jody thinking we could turn something so hurtful in our lives into a day of laughter, fun and special memories. It was born out of a sorrowing that hurt so deeply that we didn't want the pain to cut any further, so we looked for ways to make it stop. Even for moments at a time.
This year Coke Float Day was our most amazing one yet. With the ease of social media, like Face Book, it was simple for us to spread the word of our family's tradition of this day with others. Chip's golf club sent out a notice to all their pool and golf members that they could come to the club and enjoy a Coke Float in honor of Teagan's memory. I sent out an invitation to everyone of my friends on FB and gave a head's up about remembering to add soda pop and vanilla ice cream to their grocery lists. Our family spent most of the day at the club pool. We ate cheeseburgers and fries and drank our floats out of plastic cups. They were creamy and delicious. The sun was shining. The sky was blue. We were all healthy and happy. Watching other people walk up to the food service window and walk away with a Coke Float and a big smile on their face made my heart swell. Not in a prideful way at all. But in the bittersweet, humble way recognizing how God heals wounds in time and so painstakingly hard at times, but seeing the depth of our sorrow now putting joy and happiness on the faces and in the hearts of others brought me to tears. This time the tears on Coke Float Day flowed not out of pity or hurt our heartache, but out of the joy that I was glimpsing the way that God does make all things new. He has turned our sorrow to joy in even small ways. I sometimes don't see the joy or feel it long or hard enough. But I glimpsed it and tasted it yesterday. It was in the skip of a little red-haired girl in a yellow polka-dot swim suit. It was in the frothy mustache dripping down my own Teague's chin as he sipped his float. It was in the photos and notes and kind words shared by hundreds of our friends on Face Book yesterday. Each time we were tagged in some way I knew it was God letting us know that although this journey has, and continues to be long and hard, we are not alone. He is there. Friends are there. Strangers are there. Love is there. Teagan's memory lives on. Her life still brings joy to the lives and hearts of people around the world. Then and Now. My heart is blessed to know that although her days were short, her love and joy were so big that they still reach others. That is a gift that only comes from God. Teagan was and always will be our extra special gift!
I really am amazed at how quickly the dog days of summer go by, and we don't even have a dog! =) The nicer the days got, the busier they became the past few weeks. There has been so much fun and just added activity to our home life that the truth is my blog is the last thing on my to-do list- even though I love documenting our stories and pictures and sharing them this way. I am going to have lots of gaps in the stories, but thankfully we are making some memories that hopefully will last as my kids grow up and reflect back on their childhood.
The memories aren't all fun and perfect and thrilling all the time, but we do have some happiness tucked into our days- often more than we plan or expect. But with a two year old and four year old and extra-special needs 12 yr old, in addition to the 'big kids' {9, almost 11 and 14} it is tricky to have everyone happy at the same time. In fact, I don't even try to have that happen anymore. We just do what we have to do and sometimes that means there are meltdowns and drama happening as we try to make a fun, family memory down by the waterfront. Or out at Chip's club by the pool. Or just playing with the neighbor kids. Or even having popsicles on the front lawn. There was a meltdown over a new 10-pack of underwear at our house tonight, which I still am clueless as to how that can be. But tween girls have their moments too. =)
I grabbed a small snapshot of what life has included the past few weeks, and realize that even on the hot, sticky, fussy days there is still so much to love about summer! The visits to the park and the local carnival that went through here. The times with Daddy- even though we often have to go to the club or Chip brings kids with him to hang out at work. We are lucky that he can do that and the kids can swim and golf now. We have had meals outside with the neighbors and are enjoying the pony they gave us as they prepared for a yard sale this week. There has also been lots of cleaning and organizing and lawn re-doing as we put our house back up for sale and had an open house and a couple of showings too. We would love to be closer to Chip's work- which is about a 30 minute drive right now. If it doesn't sell we are staying put, so there isn't a pressure on us this time. Just a huge desire in our hearts.
There has been scrapping and paper crafting time for me, which I enjoy even when it's summer. Being busy with kids means that I have to plan my time a bit differently, but I still like a bit of space and the chance to scrap and create and have fun with all the goodness that comes in my Cocoa Daisy box each month. This month's kit {which is revealed tomorrow night on the Cocoa Daisy website} is called Cabana. It is bursting with bold colors and summer flair. The Day in the Life kit is a relatively new kit for them and I got one of those this month too and love it! There is a great 3-month subscription special if you have ever thought about scrapping the Project Life style way. I love how quickly the pages come together and yet there are still endless possibilities for how to put your pages together. I am loving it all and so glad to be on the team now for coming up on my one year anniversary there. The girls on the Design Team have been so great and truly are friends. I just want to meet them in person sometime!
Life for the Ferlaaks is full and loud and there is more fussing than I would like, but also more hugs and good food and just hanging out letting summer happen going on too. If I could, I would bottle up the relaxed feeling of life right now- even though there are still mountains of laundry and groceries to buy and things to pick up- and I would save it for when there are going to be quiet days and the kids are all grown and doing their own busy thing for the summer. I am soaking this time up. Every minute of it! I am scrapping some of it to look back on during those future mellow days too. =)
As of yesterday at just before noon, our family is officially on summer vacation! The kids all did SO GREAT in their studies and growth this year. I am proud of each of them. Lots of hard work to get on those A/B honor rolls, but they are proud of their efforts too and hopefully we will find lots of simple ways to enjoy the next 3 months of downtime and break from structured routines. There was a lot of happiness as we collected their last few items from their classrooms, hugged friends goodbye and headed home to start the more relaxed, lazy days of summer.
I love waking up whenever we get up and going, not rushing around making lunches and changing diapers and buttering toast all practically at once. It gets overwhelming so many days in a row with the kids at their different ages and stages. So this mom of 6 kiddos at home is happy to take a breather.
We already went to Chip's workplace- which besides a lovely golf course and clubhouse, happens to have a great pool/kiddie pool and hot tub as well. We are looking forward to turning our kids into little fish for the summer. They have enjoyed their first night poolside and if the summer weather cooperates, I foresee lots more memories made at the pool for sure! I am so glad that I got back into scrapbooking last year, and with the recent Cocoa Daisy Candy Shoppe kit and the Project Life stuff that I have added to my collection of cute papers and embellishments, I am excited to scrap lots of happy memories and summertime events the next few months too! Cocoa Daisy has such a great variety of items in their kits each month. I always have way more than I need and it is a fun thing for me to do and share with my kids too. So we'll be cutting and gluing and stamping, in addition to swimming and splashing this summer too! We will miss being so close to family and friends and all the fun things we did with them last summer. But hopefully we will find ways to stay busy and not think too much about what we're missing.
What do you love about summer? What are your plans for making the most of the months that fly by so quickly? I still miss all the fun and excitement that Teagan had when it came to the fresh air, outdoors, flowers and chasing butterflies. She is always in my heart and mind and I am thankful that I enjoyed so many special moments with her while she was here on earth. Happy summer to all of you!
