Coke Floats & Pinky Promises.

Today our family is keeping in tradition for the 10th year and having Coke floats together to honor Teagan's memory and make a new one at the same time. It's our annual "Coke Float Day"! We never dreamed ten years ago that having a late night spontaneous Coke float with Teagan would become such a cherished memory. But as circumstances would have it, just one month later as I stood at her hospital bedside and wrapped her tiny pinky around mine and promised to love her forever, I said the most difficult goodbye in my life. I still can't fully wrap my mind around how life took such a dramatic and twisting turn in just a blink of an eye.

Sometime after Teagan died, and likely one of the days where all the strength I could muster went to feeding Wyndham bottles with medicine in it and the rest of my time was spent with tears streaming my face, I flipped through photos and recounted happy times we'd spent with Teagan. It was the one thing that I did to keep my mind off the hoorror of what we'd been through- I had to concentrate on how lucky we had been to have such a great little girl in our life and we had been blessed with lots of wonderful "ordinary" moments with her in 4 short years.

When June 30th rolled around that first year after losing Teagan, we made a special point of recreating the moment of Chip and Teagan's late night Coke Float with Brock. We wanted his life to have some happy times too- even as difficult as life had become for us. In doing so we found that not only did we get the chance to remember a wonderful time with Teagan, but it was a chance to turn our heartache into a new happy memory at the same time. And goodness knows our hearts needed opportunities for joy in life again!

We had lived and learned how quickly life changes unexpectedly and also just how quickly our days go by- no matter what is going on in them. Big stuff, little stuff; everyday, routine stuff, or extraordinary, amazing stuff!

You can click to enlarge the photos here to read the journaling on a scrap page I made when I first started scrapping back in 2006. I remembered this night with Teagan and Chip so clearly. If tragedy hadn't struck it would have just been one more picture among so many others I snapped through the years. But in light of what happened, it became a treasure and a gift that now lives on each year as Coke Float Day.

Our family will be "celebrating" this ordinary, special day out at Chip's golf club with some frothy mugs of root beer or coke and ice cream. But we invite you to join us by having your own round of Coke floats or whatever it is in your life that would be meaningful and memorable and fun. Don't wait for a "reason" to enjoy today. Don't wait for a crisis to be reminded that today is a gift- just as it is every single day! Pop some popcorn and enjoy a movie together, or go for a walk and feed some ducks at a nearby pond or bring a fresh bunch of flowers to a neighbor who needs a pick-me-up or even call a loved one that you haven't spoken to in a long while and say, "I've missed you and love you!" simply because you have the chance to do so.

We've lived through some dark, grief-stricken days and still have ongoing challenges that affect us every day. We've learned it's so important to take time and intentionally live in the moment. We aren't superheroes when it comes to happiness and sometimes the biggest life lesson we've learned from our heartache and loss of Teagan is to never take the little moments for granted. We're so thankful we had Coke float night with Teagan and we're so thankful that we can enjoy it each year (and sometimes several times each year!) with the rest of our kids too. We hope you are moved to take an ordinary moment in your life and make it memorable and extraordinary in your own special way because of the legacy Teagan left to us. She was truly a gift to us. To you, and to whoever chooses to celebrate life- in the big and little things. Happy Coke Float Day from the whole Ferlaak family today! Find something to celebrate!

It's time!

Today we've been telling Crew it's his last day to be the baby around here. I'm not sure that he is ready to be a big brother, but he sure likes to act 'grown up' a lot of the time. The top two photos I took several weeks ago when he woke up from a nap. He still loves a bottle when he's tired and I'm a slacker mom when it comes to breaking him of something he loves so much. Thank goodness he loves cups "with no lids" even more than bottles. He is just "passionate" about certain things, is what Chip would say. =)

Then, because I had the oven on and was feeling guilty about all the times I've snapped at all the kids over the past couple of weeks (mostly due to my extreme itching arms and lack of sleep as a result) I baked a yellow bundt cake and frosted it before it was even cool at dinner time last night. The kids were all excited about the cake and wanted to know what the celebration was all about. I told them there wasn't a special reason except that I appreciate that they put up with me being crabby in life right now. They acted like they didn't know what I was talking about saying, "We think you're the best mom and you've been nice a lot lately too!".

The cake was still a big hit and it made them happy and made me feel like I just might be able to pull off being a good mom even as we add another member to our family afterall. Tomorrow morning Chip and I will head to the hospital and I am hoping that the induction goes well. It's mainly due to the itching and change in baby movement the past week or so, but I am ready as ever- even if I was feeling "normal".

As long as our internet connection works at the hospital you can expect an update or post and likely some photos in the next day or two. It may be Chip jumping in on here, but he has my blessing to hijack my blog if I'm too tired {or crabby} to post. =)

Thanks for all your excitement and thoughts and prayers for our family as we prepare to be blessed with yet another baby- a gift we know that comes with great responsibilty, but also one that will allow us to grow our love that much more too. We never dreamed it would be "time" for us again... but God knew otherwise and we are trusting Him to give us more than we need to step up to the occasion. I guess we have another reason to eat cake afterall... another "birth day"!

I just got an extra hour in my day!

Hello Blog-readers, family and friends. It's been too long! Wyndham's therapy sessions got cut short by an hour later today, so I feel like I have a bonus hour in my day. The first thing I thought of doing when I got my "free time" was to check in here and write a new post. Aren't you lucky to be at the top of my list when life finally gives me a little breathing room?! Hooray for a little, unexpected breathing room. And I can tell you, I needed it today!!

Life here has been nothing short of busy. The weather has been very spring-like, which means Chip puts in long hours at the golf club getting new leagues in play and keeping the members as happy as he can. I feel like a single mom a lot of the time- and by bedtime the kids often take advantage of me being far-outnumbered and worn down too. They are definitely keeping me on my toes. From the extra playtime and suprevision they demand when we play outdoors, to added activities- like run-club at school a couple of days a week, and the need for more baths. There just isn't enough "me" to spend time blogging and documenting our busyness. There is even less time for me to have anything inspirational or insightful to share. I'm out of material- and energy most of the time. So those are some of my 'excuses' for not being as visible and vocal at Nitty.Gritty. lately. You are always welcome to go back and re-read the archives. I think I was more exciting and interesting back then anyway. =)

The photos posted today are some I took during a 5-minute photoshoot with Ava two days ago. I bribed her with a piece of candy and she in turn gave me looks spanning from pensive to dramatic to just plain silly. I love the age she is at right now when her personality comes out in such a spontaneous way. She can be a handful and very demanding at times. But at other times she is just "her" and I think she believes that all the world is her stage. =) In a few of the pictures she poured on the charm- pretending to sing for a large audience. As you can see, she was putting her whole heart into it... and then laughing about it as she knew just how fun that might actually be to sing for a giant crowd.

Somedays I wish I was more like my kids- not letting my surroundings stifle who I feel I am at heart. I wish I were more spontaneous with laughter and fun and silly- instead of concerned about bedtime routines and staying on top of the grocery shopping lists. Now that I actually have a free extra minutes in my day today, I think it's the perfect time to do something random and fun. I'm just not quite sure what it will be. No matter what it turns out to be, I have a feeling it's going to make me feel a little bit more alive inside. And that's always a very good thing if you ask me. Here's to finding even something small in your day in which you can celebrate life and the simple joy it contains. I've been missing that!!

Wyndham's happy news!

She is all smiles today and we're grinning with her! Wyndham had a doctor appointment with her endocrinologist today and he told her {us} that she can STOP taking her daily growth hormone shot for at least a month! From the time Wyndham turned two years old she has been given an injection by myself or Chip every single night. Until tonight! We are so happy to be given this news and also, it means possibly her body is beginning to make low levels of hormone all on its own. We'll have to wait and see, but in the meantime, we won't miss a single shot. I suspect she won't miss them either!
I snapped a few pictures of her just minutes ago as I talked about how happy I am for her to not have to get poked at nighttime now. I think she understood exactly what I was saying. It's not often that she gets such great news, so of course, I am more than happy to share it with all of you! Our year seems to be off to a good start. And we're all soaking it in. It's the little stuff that is really big stuff sometimes and this is one of those times. Hooray for Wyndham!!

Lucky #7

Guess who's going to be a big brother this year?! We are all in shock and awe around here. It's early in the pregnancy too (just coming up on 7 weeks), but word is starting to get around and with the speed and connections of the world wide web I figure that I either have to tell everyone or no one. Since our kids already know this big news it's really only a matter of time before they can't help but tell everyone they know too. And yes, I'm being serious and truthful and trying to let it all sink in myself. Me. The one who once said "I never, ever, ever want to have kids" is now expecting baby #7. I can't help but trust that God knows what He's doing, because otherwise I could find myself totally overwhelmed.

Tomorrow is Wyndham's 9th birthday and I am feeling a bit reflective and emotional about that too. It's sort of unbelievable to me how the events of our lives have played out over the past decade. It seems like everytime I feel like I'm starting to feel a little bit in "control" God chooses to send another challenge/blessing our way. I just wonder how many more times He can surprise us anymore. =) But He's done it again!

How it works.

Would you believe that after more than eight years of living with grief and moving beyond trauma that there are still new things to learn about the whole process and unexpected moments can still come as a surprise? Well, it's true. I've got a little story to share with you that happened while I was browsing in the girls' outwear department yesterday. If you check in on me at Facebook, you already know what happened as I updated my status with this story.
This is what I posted:
I was stopped dead in my tracks when I was at a store today and heard a mom say, "Teagan, Teagan...come over here and stay by mommy, sweetie!". Of course I had to look over and see who Teagan was. She was about 5 or 6 and had pigtails in her hair and a smile on her face. Just what I'd expect from a little girl named Teagan. =)
I also added this when a friend asked me if I was okay:
For a quick second I thought about asking if I could give her a hug. Then I would have come home and said to Chip, "I hugged Teagan today!". Thanks, Karen for caring. Yes...I'm okay with such an unexpected moment. To me, anytime something or someone makes me think about Teagan is a really wonderful thing.
It really was a surprising thing for me to hear Teagan's name and to see a little girl bouncing around the clothing racks- just being happy. I have people occasionally tell me that they know someone named Teagan or have some sort of connection to that name, but I've never met another Teagan since mine went to Heaven in 2001. I actually really liked that I happened to be in that place at such a time yesterday to hear a mom call for her Teagan. I used to miss hearing her name so much and it made me realize that another Teagan was living this life with happiness. I was happy for them. That unexpected moment also made me realize how glad I am that I have moved beyond the heart-wrenching grief that I've lived through. Instead of tears welling up in my eyes I actually felt glad and I turned and had a big grin on my face.
There are times when I wish a million times over that I could change the reality of my life without Teagan. And if you're familiar with grief on a personal level as I am with the death of my little girl, you understand how my heart felt overwhelming gratefulness that such an incident brought back a million memories and I wouldn't trade those for anything in this world.
Grief is ever-changing; forever a part of my life- even in the most unlikely of places.
I just wanted to share this as I know that some of you are walking through the process and carrying a load of grief in your own life's story. I hope that even something as small as hearing your loved one's name in an unexpected place can bring healing and happiness to your heart too. It's hard to embrace death as it's so final- yet it never, ever goes away this side of Heaven. Today I am grateful for Hope all over again. I look forward to calling Teagan's name and having her run into my arms... with Hope, I know that will happen again someday.
That's how it works.

How fun!

So random number generator picked "Just call me b" as the winner of the DIY Holiday Workshop online class. Congrats to you! Just email me and I'll get KA to hook you up with all the class info that you need to get started. Fun!
Now, I wanted to give you all a little something for playing along, and I chose these adorable and festive winter brownie pops as just the thing. I found them through the Bake It Pretty blog- which has some of the cutest cupcake toppers and packaging ever. There was a link to the Inspired Bride, and that's how I found the photo above and the recipe for this cool dessert. I know my kids would love them. They would be really great for classroom parties and for holiday buffets too. So, I hope that helps get you all in the mood for making something this Christmas season.
To top it off, I'm also sharing a coupon code for 20% off purchases made at Snapfish.com. I got a custom photo book from there last year and love it. I get their flyer in the mail and it says to just enter coupon code HOLIDAY09 at the checkout to get the discount. There are some fun calendars and wall canvases for good prices on their website. I've been very pleased with my photos from there and hope maybe the savings will help a few of you stretch your Christmas budget just a bit.
It doesn't feel like winter is coming right now as here in Michigan we are finally getting a taste of nice autumn weather. But I have a feeling it will be here before I'm ready! Enjoy your week- wherever you are or whatever you're up to!

Guess who's running a 1/2 marathon tomorrow?

Some of you are probably as surprised and amazed at this as I am. I'm proud of his ongoing effort and committment to health and fitness and even to pushing himself out of his comfort zone. Now, if only a little bit of that could rub off on me!
Join me in wishing Chip good luck tomorrow morning. He'll definitely have earned a piece of cake when we celebrate Crew's birthday later on in the day. It's gonna be a small piece, I bet. Good luck, Chip!

Storm of a lifetime

Sunday night our family (minus Chip who was out of town) was just finishing dinner when the sky got VERY dark. In a matter of minutes I determined it would be best to get all of the kids downstairs and check the weather on my cellphone as the power flashed off a couple of times. By the time I got us to the bottom of the staircase I could see out our patio door that the rain was starting to come down in sheets and the wind was growing strong. We grabbed lots of blankets and a flashlight and closed ourselves in the bathroom.

The kids weren't all that scared, and I wasn't either as I checked weather.com for a local weather update. I told them if they heard sirens we would know that the storm was dangerous, but until then, it was just a wild thunderstorm. Well, we never did hear sirens and in about 10 minutes time, our neighborhood landscape changed dramatically. The photos here are pictures of next door, and just across the street, and our backyard. There were straight line winds that down hundreds of trees in our community and as you can see, some damaged homes and rooftops. Our house was spared. We were without electricty from 7pm Sunday night until 9pm last night. The kids cheered when it came back on. We had been warned it could be up to a week before the power would be back on in our neighborhood.

We're so grateful to have stayed safe and other than losing most of the food in our fridge and freezer, we are back to normal. We're doing our best to help our friends and are watching kids and making extra food and lemonade to just help out a bit. It was all so sudden and unexpected, but could have been much worse. It sure puts things into perspective once again.

As the kids said, "This is the biggest storm in our whole lifetime"! They were happy to have their nightlights back last night and a toaster working when we woke up today.

Also, Chip's grandma, our dear Grandma Rose passed away on Saturday. She was such a sweet grandma and we are sad and will miss her very much. She lived in Minnesota, and due to Wyndham's upcoming surgical consult this next week, we will miss being able to make the trip home for her funeral. Seems our summer just keeps us on our toes. Never a dull moment, and when there is a dull moment, we're all just as happy about that too.

A mother remembers. {Long, detailed post}

"Because of you I have laughed my loudest, cried my hardest and searched the deepest part of me. I have realized my weaknesses and discovered new strengths. I have shared my soul with others.

Because of you I have learned to live in the moment and appreciate the present. I have learned to be quiet and reflect on the past. I have gained new insights and sought new purpose in life. I have learned when to hold on and learned to let go. I have learned to embrace what I cannot see and I have deepened my faith in the future.

Because of you I am more grateful, more humble, more sensitive and more forgiving. I am more open, more joyful, more confident and more hopeful. Although you only physically touched me for four short years, your spirit still inspires me each and everyday.

Dear Teagan~ My life is enriched beyond measure...because of you."

That's the journaling for the layout pictured here today. March 18, 1997 she was placed in my arms as she took her first breaths. My heart and life were forever changed from that moment on. I found new purpose in my life. Teagan made my heart want to burst and my selfishness suddenly was put in its place when she entered my world.

I never dreamed there would come a day less than four and a half years later when my heart and life would forever change because of her again. July 29, 2001, I woke her up and brushed the hair back from her neck as she slowly opened her eyes. There was cold air rushing into her room from an open window, so I tucked the blanket up under her chin and kissed her. She looked up at me with her amazing blue eyes and smiled and said, "I love you, Mommy". I wanted to crawl in next to her for a long morning snuggle, but that was not to be. Chip was ushering at early church that day, so I instead told Teagan to warm up for a quick minute and then it would be time to get ready for church.

She was so agreeable that morning. It wasn't like her to be so easy-going... especially when wakened early. But that morning was different. I didn't know it then, but I do now. Even when I pulled her dress over her head and then brushed her hair, she was just being so sweet. I tied a ribbon in her hair and then pulled her close to me and held her hands in mine and said, "Teagan, you look more beautiful than I've ever seen you look!". She smiled and said, "I know".

And then we were off to church. Chip, me, Teagan, Brock and Wyndham. After church Chip asked if we wanted to go to brunch. He suggested The Old Depot restaurant. We'd never been there before, but he said he heard they had the best pie around. Who was I to argue with the idea of a great piece of pie?!

We headed the opposite direction we normally took and had hardly driven a mile or two and Brock started acting up in the car. We shrugged it off, but by the time we got to the restaurant we had scolded him a couple of times and Chip even commented, "If you don't settle down I'm going to turn the car around and go home". I turned to Chip and said, "Teagan's being an angel...this brunch is going to go fine".

Moments later we were seated at our table and a nice family meal was underway. Teagan sat at the end of the table because when we walked in she said, "I want to sit by everyone". Wyndham was strapped into her infant carseat and for some unknown reason that day I kept the straps buckled.

Teagan ordered chocolate chip pancakes served with a side of peanut butter. She was sipping creamer of a glass coffee mug and talking with Chip as our meals were served. A moment or two into our meals I was suddenly thrust into the air and heard crashing and banging and I began to scream Chip's name. It seemed as though debris was coming at me for several minutes and then suddenly there was a loud 'bang' and I felt my body slump to the floor. I jumped to my feet in an instant and there was dust clouding the air, but I could see Teagan just a step or two to my left and she was lying down where her chair should have been. I scooped her up- even though I know you're never supposed to move an injured person. I couldn't help myself. I turned and carried her out a gaping hole in the wall and walk several paces before laying her down on the ground. Her head was bleeding severely from the back. As I placed her down I noticed her lips were turning gray and her skin looked pale. But she looked beautiful besides that. She had no scrapes or marks in those moments. I was surrounded by people within seconds. Someone began to do CPR on her as I stood up and ran back through the hole in the front wall. I saw a car. A woman sat inside looking straight ahead. I started yelling Chip's name again. I couldn't see Brock or Wyndham or Chip. I could feel my heart starting to pound at that point.

I turned and walked quickly back outside and stood over Teagan's body. I told the strangers around me that the rest of my family was missing inside. I leaned down and held Teagan's hand again. It felt cold and I remember saying over and over, "Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Help."

I back into the building at least 3 or four more times. Each time feeling more deperate than the time before. On my final time I bent down to peer beneath the car and all I saw were man's legs in khaki pants. Chip had on tan pants when we went to church that morning, so I just knew it was him. I was about to run to the front of the car when a man grabbed me and started pulling me back yelling, "We're going to flip the car...you have to get out." He let go of me and I started toward the front of the restaurant and noticed the woman in the car then unbuckled her seatbelt, picked up her purse and she got out.

I walked over to Teagan again and said to her, "You can go if you have to Sweetie"...just like I'd seen in the movies. Someone offered me a chair to sit on next to her at just that time and as I sat down I noticed my back was throbbing and my feet felt like they were on fire. I looked down but saw nothing wrong. My injuries were all internal. I was bleeding inside, and also had a huge cut on my heel, but there was so much dirt and debris inside of it that I didn't even notice I was bleeding.

I heard crying. Someone was bringing Brock to me. He had dirt all over his eyes- I held him on my lap and asked someone if I could use their cellphone to make some calls. I called my parents. They weren't home. I called my sister. She thought it was some kind of joke. Chip's parents weren't home either. But his sister answered. She thought it was a prank call too. But there was a strange urgency in my voice that both of them found ways to get in touch with our families.

Chip came walking out of the hole in the front wall/door and I heard him calling my name. My back was to him as I sat on the chair holding Brock. I turned and thought I was imagining the whole scene. His head was gashed open across his forehead and cheek. Blood dripped down his face and his tie was flung over his shoulder. "Chip", I said quietly. "Chip...Teagan doesn't look good. She's not going to make it." Then someone had Chip sit down in a chair. Next someone was carrying Wyndham's carseat to me and she began to wimper. Her eyes were shut, but I heard her crying. I looked over my shoulder as Teagan continued to receive CPR and I knew then and there that there was no hope for her.

I had no idea what the extent of the rest of our injuries were at that point, but I was feeling an odd sense of calm that God was in control. Just a few moments earlier I thought I had lost all my family. Now I sat there feeling the early stinging pain of muscle/tissue and nerve damage, but none of that mattered. I felt relief that my family had a chance.

Today, July 29, 2009, eight years later those moments are still so vivid in my mind. I type through tears, head pounding and heart racing. I will never forget that unspeakable scene; the unimaginable situation that thrust my life in a whole new direction. I write all this for me...it feels right to put it down somewhere. Eight years feels like the blink of an eye. I can still "feel" how Teagan felt in my arms when I carried her out of the building that day. I can still "hear" the sound of the 'whoosh...BANG' as the car first crashed through the wall and then fell to the ground. I still think of how there was no warning- we were eating a meal with never a thought of danger and there weren't even any windows so nobody even saw the car coming. I still remember the icy stare of the woman who drove the car as she sat just a few feet away from me watching the horror of the traumatic scene behind me.

I remember the ambulance ride. It felt like it took hours to get to the hospital. I was one of the last injured to leave the scene and I couldn't stop wondering what I was going to do when they finally let me see Teagan.

That wouldn't happen for hours. She was airlifted downstate and I continued to be treated at our local hospital for lacerations and x-rays. They brought my bed (I was on a backboard) next to Brock's and told me that both he and Wyndham would be airlifted to Hurley as well. When I was finally stitched up I was placed in a wheelchair and brought into Chip's ER area. We just looked at each other. I don't think I had any words to say. Even as one who is always too wordy. My eyes filled with tears and Chip mustered some half-smile as his own face was being stitched, and he said, "It's going to be okay". A doctor came in a few moments later and said he had received an update on Teagan's condition. "As a father of two kids myself", he said, "I'm not going to lie to you. It doesn't look good". I think both Chip and I knew what he meant.

It meant our hearts and lives were changed again.

Because of her.

Our little blond-haired, blue eyed, rambunctious, smart, funny, adorable, always ready with something funny to say, or a hug or kiss to give you, was gone. She was hooked up to life support for the next 24 hours or so and we found ourselves talking to people about donating her organs and we were surrounded by many family members the last time I held her hand and pinky promised to love her forever. One would think that would be the worst moment for any mother to endure. Yet I write here- even 8 years later- recalling the sense of peace and calm I had in my heart. My head felt like it would burst, but my heart never felt more assured that everything would be okay.

I cannot begin to tell you exactly what faith is. I write about it alot here on my blog. What I can tell you is that my faith in God never felt more real and more 'right' than it did in those couple of traumatic days in the ER with all my family clinging to life. If there is nothing more to life than just "this"...this living that we all do, well then, for me and my family, life is just a cruel hoax.

Beyond what the Bible says, and I believe it is true and can be trusted, I 'know' in my heart that there is a God and there is a Heaven (and a hell) and one day-because of the death of Christ on the cross and my belief in the forgiveness of my sins because of his death- I will be reunited with Teagan again. One day all the pain and suffering I have lived through forgotten and all the tears I have shed will be wiped away. One day God will redeem the brokeness of my heart and Chip's heart and countless others and we will rejoice and be whole once again.

My faith through this tragedy, has been nothing but strengthened from day to day. I have asked tough questions and cried and shouted and wished things were different and I've wanted Teagan back along with "the way things were". But I can honestly say through all the years of missing her I have never doubted that God loves her, me, us and others and He can even use this ugly situation for His purpose in life. He can bring beauty out of our brokeness. He has carried us through our darkest hours. One day I look forward to falling on my knees at His feet and saying, "Thank you".

A simple "yes"...

I posted on Facebook that today marks 15 years since Chip asked me to marry him and I said yes. Fifteen years ago I had NO IDEA what the future held for us, and I'm quite certain I wouldn't have believed it even if you had spelled it all out for me.

What I do know 15 years later is that I still feel very blessed to have met Chip, fallen "in like" with him, and then I started to see his potential, my potential and then "our potential" when I let myself dream a little bit at a time. I'm very humbled that God brought us together and pretty much blew away any picture I had in my mind of how our lives would turn out together. I'm still amazed that Chip was "smitten" by me. I wasn't really the "smittening-type" of girl back in those days. I was {and sadly still am far too often!} a selfish girl that judges quickly and feels entitled to get her way. I can be picky about little things- and even nit-picky about littler things. Fifteen years ago I never imagined that our lives would blossom beyond just an "us" to include several more little people, who very quickly and thoroughly, taught and continue to teach me that there's more to life than just me.

As I pause and think back to that moment in time {at Rice Park, Saint Paul, Minnesota} when Chip asked me to be his wife and one little word- three little letters- changed the course of my; changed the course of OUR lives, well, it's nothing short of amazing to me. I often joke, at times when life gets stressful and Chip and I are at odds with how to proceed through whatever it is life is handing us at that moment, I say to Chip, "Remember...you asked ME to marry YOU", and we laugh and it helps bring us back to 'reality'. Our crazy, wonderful, challenging, sometimes-ready-to-throw-in-the-towel, up and down again, all-around amazing reality that is our life.

I'm thankful that he asked me.

I'm so glad that my selfish, unprepared self said yes.

I couldn't imagine anyone else next to me through these past 15 years.

It's been wild. It's been hard.

It's been more than I imagined, and for all of it, I'm grateful.

I never knew a little yes could change so much.

I love you, Chip and I would say yes all over again.

This time, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Good stuff.

I'm still here. I've been managing the kids/home since Friday all by myself as Chip is in Chicago at the golf show. Five to one is good odds for some things, but can be a little tiring when you're talkin' five kids to one mom. Especially when they all think they need me for something all at the same time! Luckily I've been practicing patience, and as you can see from the kids in this picture taken just as they were heading to bed, they are all still happy, healthy and even bathed at the end of a long weekend. As you can also see, I didn't post a picture of me. I'm sure I look like I need a cat nap. Or some alone time. =)

I will tell you that I actually enjoy time with my kids. I know some people can't wait to head out the door and leave the kids to someone else's care, but I really feel fortunate that I can be home full time. Yes, I admit, it can be exhausting and I do skip my share of showers and putting on make-up, but the little sacrifices are so worth the rewards I get to experience. One of the little rewards for me today was from Bella at about 3 o'clock. She came up to me and handed me a folded up piece of paper. When I opened it up it read, "This is a secret: I love you forever and ever. Love Isabella".

How sweet is that?! It's little things like that when I feel so happy to be home and find that even though I do have to repeat myself over and over at times, or never get caught up with folding and putting away laundry, that help make my days. I sometimes go hours on end without adult conversation or days without leaving the house, but I find I don't even mind it all that much.

Another highlight of my weekend happened late Friday afternoon. The Fed-Ex man dropped off an unexpected package. Much to my surprise (and Ava's too, as you see her in the top photo) it was a box FULL of K&Company scrapbooking supplies. I am blown away by not only the amount/number of items, but their amazing quality and how fun the new product lines are! I owe a big thank you to Megan... I can't wait to create some fun things with all of this suprise "stuff". I think I may be offering some random give-aways once I make some things too. So keep and eye out for those.

You do know that I refer to myself from time to time as a "SAHM"...not "Stay At Home Mom" but rather "Stuck At Home Mom", right?! If I do have to be stuck at home (which I just mentioned how I'm okay with that too?!), I feel very lucky to have great kids and lots of craft projects to keep me busy as well. =) You can also find me at Facebook on occasion (send me a note that says blog reader or something to that effect if you want to add me...I'm Jody Ferlaak), in addition to that I am getting acquainted with Skype too. I love it! I'm wondering why everyone in the world that has a computer and web cam isn't doing this yet. It's so great! Or maybe I'm just easily entertained. Either way, I really like Skype.

Ava loves it too.

I have to mention the bike pictured in the post here- it's Wyndham's new bike that is specially fitted for her. We are all excited to see her put it to use as soon as the weather warms up here in Michigan. She always wants to do what other kids around here are doing, and so we are very grateful that she was able to get this custom bike after being approved for it by her physiatrist. I hope she has lots of confidence on it, and that it will be one more big milestone for her to be able to ride a bike- just like all the other kids. Wish her luck and you can be sure I'll post pictures of her on it, just as soon as we get our first photo op.

Finally, I want to share a quote I heard on the radio today. I think it is a good one to read and re-read and then challenge us in our daily living. It reads: "The way we live our lives is a measure of our contentment toward God."

Happy first day of March to all of you!

Life is fragile...

Late last night and very into the morning (12 midnight to 2 am) I was having mild contractions and couldn't sleep. I actually started to get a little bit worried when I felt them 20 minutes apart. As Chip slept I debated whether or not to wake him. I was just about to do so when I noticed his cell phone ring a couple of times. It's unusual for him to get calls after midnight, so I woke him and handed him the phone and within a few seconds I heard his voice break as he received the unexpected news of the death of his uncle Johnny {who is pictured with Grandpa Willie in the last photo here}. We are heartbroken and saddened along with all of Chip's mom's side of the family and many friends that Johnny has acquired through the years.
Needless to say, neither Chip nor I got much sleep last night. I am feeling better and the contractions have subsided at this point. I have a dr. appt. tomorrow and hopefully we'll find that everything is progressing just as it should.
But it's moments in life such as these that continue to serve as reminders to me of not just the circle of life, but how fragile it really is. There are no guarantees- whether it's babies, children or grown ups. I find that this theme- of making the most of every moment- comes up so often in my heart and mind and I really strive to translate it into my everyday living. I want to live without regrets. I want to live life with passion and intention. I want people to know how much I love them and I want my life to stand for something so that whenever my time comes, I will know I have lived fully.
I found it interesting that just before bed last night I received a couple of emails from my (new) friend, Amber, who took these maternity pictures of me while we were together in Chicago. {Thank you, Amber!} They just seem so touching today as our family grieves the loss of a loved one, yet at the same time we prepare for the arrival of another {and Chip's sister too}. The baby bassinet bedding is being washed as I type and I just hope to pass on the message of loving this moment and loving beyond expectations in life. Too many times we get wrapped up in "little stuff" or in holding onto grudges or not giving of our hearts to others enough. I am guilty of it too...I can get stuck in a place where I am doing out of demands, rather than out of the overflow of my heart. I hope to remind myself over and over that to love is a gift. To serve others is a gift. To breathe in air and look for beauty in this world is a gift. To share and connect with others is a gift- no matter what. I thank God that He showers His love on us so that we can give love and encourage others to do so too.
Life is a wonderful thing. I hope I never forget just HOW amazing it is. And we will remember Johnny for his love of life and others too.

Life lessons from lemon bars...

"When life gives you lemons, make lemon bars."
This is my new saying. =) There is a pan of lemon bars cooling on my stove right now. I made myself a little coconut latte to sip along with them too. I wish I could have you join me on my deck for a lemon bar and a cool drink right now. My thoughts would probably make more sense in person...and this is going to be one of 'those posts'. I can tell that much already. =)
But I would rather risk offending someone or being misunderstood than to not share what's on my heart. That's just the way I am. Before I get into my 'deep thoughts' I have to tell you that you can click on the ingredients and directions to see those pictures enlarged enough to get my lemon bar recipe. I use one from Cooking Light and they turn out delicious everytime. Like I said...I wish you could join me right now for one. =)
I wasn't just baking this morning as I pulled out the lemons and eggs from my fridge and prepared to make the mixture for the lemon bars, I was reflecting and thinking about how life does give us all lemons. As the old saying goes... It's true. We all have moments or even years, in which life just doesn't go our way. People and circumstances let us down. It's a fact of life- we all live in a broken, sinful world. Hurt isn't something we can escape- whether we bring it upon ourselves by our own choices and actions, or whether it comes from another source- natural disasters or other people or sometimes a combination of all of them. Bad stuff happens.
I stood in my kitchen just moments ago and realized that it doesn't matter what kind of lemons you get, or how many, or for how long, but it really is all about what you do with the fruit when it comes your way.
I couldn't help but feel blessed as I zested my lemons today and smelled the tang of the peel and felt the bursts of the juice as it lightly sprayed from the peel each time the grate pulled at the skin. I felt blessed as I squeezed out the juice and as I whipped the eggs til they were frothy. I realized how blessed I felt as I opened my warm oven to pull out the partially baked, golden crust. It felt almost spiritual to me- to recognize with all my senses through something so simple as lemon bars- just how blessed I am.
It was at this same time that my thoughts turned to the person in my life who has been most responsible for 'handing me lemons'...the woman responsible for killing Teagan and Peggy on that fateful day in July 2001, and altering so many other lives, physically and emotionally, for the past several years. I was struck with how time and soul-searching and years of trying to 'make something out of my lemons' and leaning on God every step of the way has truly changed me and softened me and made me look at life so differently.
When Chip and I were on the Oprah show sharing our story and telling of our forgiveness toward this woman, Cindy, Oprah asked us, "How do you get to this place?" ['place' here meaning the point of forgiveness]. I remember sort of wondering that same thing myself, because I was still having nightmares all the time and I was still dealing with muscle/nerve damage in my back and legs. Brock was still having panic attacks and not eating at a table- or many times, not eating at all, because for him it was too hard- it brought back too many memories and he feared something bad would happen again. Just from sitting at a table to eat.
At that time, we had no idea what Wyndham's future looked like. She was not growing physically and each time she got a cold or flu meant for her, an extended stay back in the hospital as she had little immune system or strength to fight sickness on her own. Chip still bore scars from facial cuts, three different chest tubes, and basically had just spent a whole winter trying to heal his broken ribs and gain his strength back. We were still a mess in many ways.
Yet we made statements of forgiveness and just knew that God would sustain us through our deep sorrows and grief. I know that God is the one who gave us the ability in our hearts to find and offer forgiveness to Cindy. We accepted what had happened and hoped she would find it within her own heart to seek God's love, mercy and grace.
When the next Oprah guest appeared on the stage (a woman who had been beaten and left for dead), Oprah asked her, "If you could invite your perpetraitor over for dinner, you would do so?", to which this victim answered "yes...I would invite him over for dinner". I remember then and have thought about that statement so many times during the past 6 years. I have never felt as though I could invite Cindy into my home and truth be told, there have been many times that I have told Chip, "I wish I could just go to the jail and cook a few meals for her or torment her a bit- just to give her a small taste of what she's done to us". So, while I have said I offered forgiveness, and I truly believe I have forgiven her in my heart, I don't always think I have doneso in my head. I have prayed many, many times for Cindy to want to come out of this situation a better person...I have asked God to show up in her life and change her hardened heart. {She has never apologized to any of the victims she hurt that day...she has never shown any remorse.} I think I have done an okay job of moving on beyond the hurt and accepted that I can only control my actions beyond that day, and sometimes I have done a better job of that than others. I have made an effort to forgive everyday...but I don't know that it has ever felt 'automatic' or authentic.
Until today.
While I made lemon bars.
As I pulled them out of the oven and the scent and warmth filled my kitchen, I actually thought to myself, "I wish I could invite her over for lemon bars". It was the first time I have ever felt such a peace and such an empathy toward wanting to know her hurt. I don't know that she has a valid excuse for her actions that took the lives of Teagan and Peggy and brought so much devastation in one instant to so many others, but I do know that she and I both live in a broken world and we have to make choices of how to respond to that brokeness each and everyday. Today, I realized what a gift I have- to live 'free' and at peace and to know that even when bad things happen to me and others, that I can accept that God is in control.
It's not up to me to make things right. It's not my battle to fight- but His [God's]. He only asks that I take what I've been given and do my best to make it into something. I choose to make it into something good and beautiful and hope that in so doing, I not only make life a little more blessed for my husband and kids, but also, in my own heart, I begin to grow more in love and grace- which hopefully spills over into the lives of everyone around me.
I am humbled and broken today as I think of all the wrongs in this world- not just those that have touched my family, but the suffering and hurt of everyone in this world. There are broken relationships and sickness and disease and war and pain of every kind in the lives of every single person. I wish that we could all see that to seek revenge only brings more hurt and destruction. I wish we could all realize that by forgiving ourselves and others, we stamp out bitterness and hate. I wish that we could begin to enter in to the hurt of one another in order to understand and grow and become better- more fully healed and restored to the way God originally designed and created us to be. I wish for me and for you to know that there is Hope and Joy and Beauty and Goodness in this world. No matter how many lemons we are dealt; no matter what shape or form they come to us. They can be turned into something simple...and amazing all at the same time. It's a matter choosing God and seeing the world through His heart.

Understanding.

Many of you have emailed me and sent links and notes about your sorrow for the Chapman Family and the recent death of their little girl, Maria.
My heart has been aching for them and I can't stop thinking about them as today they embrace one another as they grieve her death and celebrate her life at her funeral.
I don't know their family personally, but have been touched by Steven's music for many, many years. Chip and I had one of his songs sung at our wedding, and we had a couple of his songs played at Teagan's memorial services. I wore out the first tape I got of his back in my high school college days, and somewhere I have video footage of me having fun 'dancing' to "The Great Adventure" while one of my sisters colored my hair. So it is just as much a shock and heartache to me as the rest of you, to hear about this tragic, accidental, sudden death.
And many of you asked me if it brings back memories of the death and loss of Teagan, and I have to tell you that it does.
Even after all these years, I still think about Teagan and miss her everyday.
What a situation like this does for me is makes me remember the details so clearly...the pain all over again...and my heart understands all too well, what the Chapmans must be feeling too. I hurt for them on so many levels, and find myself asking the questions they must be wondering.
Grief is something I didn't fully grasp until Teagan died and then my eyes were opened, not only to my hurt, but to the hurt of others and the depth that such agony reaches.
What I also know though, is that the Chapman family have a strong faith and understanding of who God is and I am praying that this will only strengthen and grow in the coming days, weeks and over the years. I find myself aching so much for their hurt, yet at the same time, I am 'years ahead of them' in the journey of grief, and I know a truth- that God IS faithful. He IS merciful. He DOES comfort and heal and bring joy out of suffering. But it's not an easy road, and so today, as I have been since Thursday morning, I lift them in prayer and ask God to pour out Himself into their hearts in lives and give them His Peace and Grace in full measure.
I understand that they will have waves of grief and questions and ongoing struggles as they begin to process and live life without Maria physically in it. It brings back memories of my own shock and horror- I just remember how surreal it was to read the stories in the newspapers and to see Teagan's name and picture posted with dates of the year of her life and death. My mind had a hard time wrapping around the fact that she was really gone- and how it all happened so quickly on a sunny, summer day without warning.
I know that there are those who will never fully understand, and that's okay. I actually think you're the lucky ones and as I said, I used to be in your shoes. But now that I'm among those who know grief firsthand, I feel as though it is almost a 'gift' to be tapped into and I take that role in my life seriously. I pray and hope that some of my experiences give others Hope- that God will somehow bring good out of this heartache, and that in His time, they will come to rest in His promises and they will see little Maria again.
Here are the links to the Steven Curtis Chapman song lyrics that we had at Teagan's services. I know that at such a time people often say "there are no words...". Thankfully we found comfort in these songs (as well as others and Scripture too) and my heart's prayer is that the Chapman family will find comfort too.
"With Hope"
"My Redeemer is Faithful and True"

Asking for your prayers. Again.

Many of you will probably remember this handsome little guy from some time ago when I was following his story closely and even invited some of you to send gifts/cards as he underwent a bone marrow transplant along with his perfect donor match, brother Devon. Some of you have continued to follow his growth and progress and I was deeply saddened after reading so many positive posts and seeing the grins from Jaymun in all of his pictures- to hear that he again is facing a long road of chemotherapy and new treatments.
His mother, Jennifer, emailed me, along with other family and friends, the difficult, hard news more than a week ago. I also was given permission to share this photo and link to their blog where I, along with Jennifer, invite you to be aggressive in your prayers and thoughts for Jaymun and his family as they begin another journey into scary and unknown territory. My heart and prayers are with them every step of the way.
I think of my own journey- the ups and the downs, and I am comforted to know that they have a faith in God and His sovereignty...but I know that it is still very difficult to trust God with something as scary as your youngest son going through cancer. I hope that you will think of Jaymun often and I know I will be praying feverently in hopes of seeing yet another miracle unfold in his life.
He is a charmer, a fighter and an inspiration to many. I know God loves him more than anyone could...and so I, along with his family, trust and pray today and in the coming days. Thank you for your care for the Kaat family.

I promise I don't make this stuff up.

When I was a kid I would listen to my mom tell us things from her life as a kid or about us when we were younger and sometimes it just seemed so outrageous that we would accuse her of 'making it up' or embellishing it. She always assured us that she was telling the truth and the fact is she really DID have alot of unusual things happen along the way. She still has crazy things happen from time to time. But now I know to just believe her.
In my own life it seems like things happen to me or in our family that are rare or 'non-occurances' in other peoples' lives. I don't know why that is, but this is one of those things I decided I had to blog about, because likely it will be something I look back on and laugh about. But at the time, it was no laughing matter.
Some of you know I have been a little more 'stressed' than usual the past month or so. Others I have emailed or talked to in person and asked for prayers as I waited for some test results to come back in regards to my pregnancy. Thank you for praying for me, by the way...you know who you are.
Well, after weeks of waiting I finally got my results and it has been really great news and a big relief too.
Big relief.

Here's a portion of the {true} story. The day after Teagan's birthday (which many of you understand is a bittersweet day for me each year) I was making sandwiches for lunch while my inlaws were putting bikes together for Wyndham and Ava and it happened to be my OB doctor. She asked if I had a few minutes and as I continued to make some ham and cheese sandwiches she told me that some of my labs had come back with 'abnormal/inconclusive results'. She told me I would have to repeat the tests in a month and she felt confident that everything would be fine at that point. It sounded like she was just 'being cautious'. After some explanations she finally said, "the tests I'm referring to are for the HIV".
You can imagine the surprise I had when she said that.
I had her repeat a few things and said, "Well, I'm sure it can't be positive... obviously it's just an error...no I don't have any other questions...yes, thanks for calling." I didn't really think much about it for a few hours after that- we ate our lunch and went about our day.
But when Chip came home and I talked with him about the concerns and told him I needed further tests, it then began to hit me what I was saying. It seemed so ridiculous to me...but at the same time I could feel myself growing concerned.
The next morning, Chip talked to the pathologist and an ER doctor friend of ours, who both reassured us that it would all be cleared up in a month and neither seemed worried about the inconclusive results I had received.
I, on the otherhand, had to get more information myself. So I started googling and searching all sorts of fun stuff related to HIV, testing, abnormal results...anything that came up in the search engine. {Big mistake!} I was clicking and reading and obsessed and getting more and more stressed for about a week. Let me tell you the truth about that week in my life. It was no fun. None. I would read stuff. And then freak out. Or call Chip and ask his opinions. Or wake up in the middle of the night and go back online from 3am until 6. And then I would think it was all crazy. And there's no way any of this should be happening in my life.
Because the fact is, I had NO WAY according to 'how you get HIV' that I could have possibly been infected.
But I've been around the medical realm enough to know that sometimes you need to be an advocate for yourself. You need 'knowledge' in order to know that the right thing is being done. Once I felt I had enough 'intelligible' questions and concerns, then I called pathology and wanted to be set straight on a few things.
Well, that didn't necessarily help at that point, because one of the things I found out was that at my hospital ("a low-risk institution") in each of the past two years, there have been 2 instances similar to mine, in which the labs had to be sent to Mayo for more specific testing. In each of those 2 instances, one result was a true positive and one was a false positive. Basically, out of the hundreds or thousands of HIV tests that are run each year, I happened to be one of two cases that was typical for them to see...and I had a 50/50 chance of having recently contracted HIV.
{This is the point in the story where it was helpful for me to tell myself to breathe...I'm just sayin'.}
SO... yes, it gets better.
Being the good 'person of faith' that I am, rather than look at this whole situation in medical terms, I began to look at this from a spiritual perspective. {I'm saying this to make fun of myself. Sort of like when I was growing up as a Pastor's kid and was told 'Oh, you can't do this or that...you're a pastor's kid.} Let me tell you, I was getting really radical at times.
There was the lightbulb moment, where I was reading one medical abstract or journal, I forget which one, and realized that there was nothing I could do about this situation when I thought, "Oh right. I have NO chance of having been recently infected, but in my life, stuff happens anyway. Like what are the odds that my healthy little girl sitting in a restaurant, eating chocolate chip pancakes will be killed doing so? The odds were astronomically against such a thing...but it happend." So I sat there telling myself, really, if God wants to allow me to have HIV, it will happen- no matter what I do or don't do. I told myself if He wants to let this happen, then I need to just accept it and see HOW He wants to bring me through it or use it for His glory.
Somehow.
This all happened in a matter of a week or so. The obsession was crazy. I got to the point where I convinced myself to not read another thing about HIV on the interent and instead, I decided I would only read my Bible and pray and just sit and 'listen' to what my heart needed to hear. I dug deep into Scripture and did lots of praying and questioning and finally felt a few things sort of 'point me' to the idea of complete surrender.
So that's what I finally did.
I realized that I wouldn't be thrilled with an HIV diagnosis, but heck...it seemed better to me than say a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Or other life-threatening illnesses. Many other diseases and viruses kill you in less than 10-20 years. I also reminded myself that I didn't know the number of my days anyway. None of us does. Something could happen tomorrow...so I began to have this peace about me, that it wasn't going to matter what the result would be...I would still be the same me. Life is what it is and to me it is ordained before I came into being- by God Himself.
So then I got 'really spiritual'...I thought maybe God was going to 'call' me to an AIDS orphanage in Africa or something and I just wanted to be ready for whatever I was in for.

Now I have to point out that this whole time- 6 weeks of waiting for an answer, that Chip was fully convinced I was HIV-negative and that I was totally overreacting. If you ever have a major worry in your life or you are campaigning for President or something, he is the guy you want at your side. He's convincing and supportive and even makes you laugh at yourself. I'm so glad he knows how to keep his cool and that it always seems to be enough for both of us.
I'm also very glad he turned out to be right this time around.
Not that God might not call me to work with orphans somewhere, someday...but I am glad that my life doesn't have to involve rounds of HIV anti-viral drugs and treatments.
I have found out that occasionally (and at my hospital- very rarely) in women with subsequent pregnancies, antibodies are detected which show intially as 'possible HIV infection' in lab results and thus the labs are sent for further testing. At this point the concern is that the individual may have early onset of HIV infection...thus the weeks of waiting before you can retest and get definitive results.
The waiting was hard.
The whole process made me mad at times- the helplessness, the stress, the sleeplessness, the total ridiculousness that began to make me wonder what I've done wrong in my life to deserve 'drama' like this. (Does it sound like I was overreacting to you?) =)

In the end, I dont' know what 'grand purpose' this incident is serving in my life, other than I could totally fly through a Jeopardy category if the topic was "HIV testing and inconclusive results" now. I'm sure that will happen soon. Ha!
I am feeling a weight off of my shoulders, so when I look at things like 4 loads of dirty laundry I'm really thinking, "Yay!! All I have is piles of laundry...at least I don't have HIV!"
I'm also thinking that as the pounds begin to pile on my waist I will just be "thrilled with them...because hey...they're just pounds...at least I don't have HIV!"
So that's my true-life story of what's been weighing on my mind for 6 weeks.
What? The price of gas is going up again????
Bring it on!!
At least I don't have HIV!