Bring on spring! A bright Forecast ahead!

Despite the long, drawn-out winter weather we have been experiencing late into March, the days seem to be going by quickly anyway! The past couple of weeks we celebrated Ava's 9th birthday, St. Patrick's Day, Teagan's sweet 16 birthday, bought a new van {we've had the same minivan for the past 12 years!} and are now heading to Minnesota tomorrow for our Easter/Spring Break. I know it's not sunny Florida or any warmer than we are here in MI, but where family and friends are is always better than sun in my book! So we are loading up our new wheels and taking a 12+hour trip west for 10 days. Chip will be flying back here to MI as soon as he drives us all over, because he has to get his golf course open and has tons of things on his plate as the golf season kicks off. We will miss his birthday while we are away, but I am sure we can find a way to eat cake when we get back and make up for it once we are settled back home. He says he will try to enjoy his birthday even without us all here and just might get a full, quiet night's sleep for once!
So, with all that going on I have not had extra time to blog here. But I do post and am on FB {more than I should be!}, so if you need some Nitty.Gritty. fixes in between my posts, feel free to friend me and I can see what you are up to in your corner of the world too! I have had time to scrap and play with the awesome April Cocoa Daisy kit~ Forecast. It is filled with bright, fresh spring colors and as you can see in my sneak peeks here today, I used lots of patterned papers and had fun layering so many bits and pieces of the kit on my pages. I made all the clouds "happy" clouds on my projects and am so looking forward to spring, sunshine, day-dreaming and hopefully soaking up some nice warm days very soon. In the meantime, there has been much memory-making, reflecting and gearing up for changes around here too.
I hope your spring forecast is looking bright. Bring it on! =)

Some fresh starts...new beginnings!

 

 

{click on photos if you want to see them up close}
It has been another whirlwind couple of weeks! There was my 40th birthday- which happened to be my kids' last day of school before Christmas break began, so it was a day of parties for them and excitement and a band/choir concert for us to attend. Lots of work went into it for me and I was thankful that we were all healthy and could get through it. To top it off, although it wasn't a day of partying for me, Chip did make cream puffs for me and when we got back from the kids' program we all got our jammies on, and there was candle blowing, wish-making and happy birthday song-singing, so it ended on a nice note. A good way to start a new decade. Mellow, a dollop of whipped cream and smiles all around. My life rarely looks the way I imagine it, but it is always better than I deserve and there is happiness all along the way. Even if it gets pushed to the bottom of the agenda at times.
My goal for this coming new year is to constantly remind myself that happiness is there...I just need to keep my eyes and heart open to the way it is packaged. That's probably a good goal all the time!
So the new year is coming and today I have a few sneak peeks before the big reveal of Cocoa Daisy's first kit of 2013~ Pemberley! It is so full of wonderful teals, pinks and yellows. I was up in my scraproom playing and scrapping away the past few days. I was loving it so much! There is definitely a lot of happiness in my scrap room right now. Even Chip says he wants to make something sometime! That's a pretty big claim and surprise to me. If he makes anything, I will post it here for all to see. =)
I scrapped one page from my heart as it continues to feel heavy and sorrowful for the families of Newtown. I will post it in more detail and tell you some of the thoughts I had while making it. Please continue to lift their broken hearts up in prayer. I know firsthand how the pain and sorrow got so much heavier and real as the friends and families around me got back to "normal" in their life, where in my own life the hole Teagan left just got bigger and Wyndham's needs pressed in harder on Chip and me. Grief is hard road to walk and I just know these souls will need prayers for comfort, strength and healing for a long, long time.
One of the other things I made this month was a mini album to hold hopes and dreams of mine for this fresh new year that we are about to jump into. A big part of me can't wait. I know the number 13 is unlucky for a lot of people, but Chip and I are determined to make it a year of good luck for us. I hope we rise to that occasion, and in this tiny book I am writing down quotes and notes to keep me going and pushing toward new and wonderful things. If you have any good quotes or thoughts on the New Year, leave them in the comments here. I would love to add some more thoughts and phrases to my book. I will show you the inside pages of that soon too!
In the meantime, here is the link to more sneak peeks and you are more than welcome and personally invited to be a part of the reveal tonight on the Cocoa Daisy message boards. There is always a flurry of activity, fun and some RAK's to the boutique too! SO if you have the time and want in on the fun, come on out tonight! And if I don't get back here in time, Happy New Year 2013 to you!! I hope you enjoy a fresh start too!

40 days.

Crew had a happy birthday two days ago and is thrilled to be 4 now! His birthday started out right when we awoke- which happened to be 'late start' day at our house. Late start days are my favorite midweek mornings because our schools start an hour later on Wednesdays. I was happy that Crew got an extra hour with Brock and Bella and Ava to open presents and just be more relaxed as we kicked off his fun day. I wish we had late starts everyday! But I don't want to get greedy, so we are thankful for one day a week to not rush around as much as the others.
Crew asked for a simple cake with "blue frosting" and he loved that he got extra candles to blow out too. One can never have too many candles. Until about age 20, I believe. =) Happiness is a pretty easy thing to buy a four year old. He has lots of growing up to do yet, but I am confident he is going to grow into just the man he was meant to be. It's kind of wild having a front row seat to the process, but one that will have lots of stories to share with him through the years too!
Our other big not-so-great-thing-to-celebrate is that the house that we are living in and renting as we wait for our home back in Michigan to sell has just sold. We have 40 days or less to be packed up and moved out. It seems like we just did that and as I recall, I wasn't all that thrilled about it either! So, this time around we will be moving somewhere local. We jus don't have a clue as to where yet. And it gets a bit more complicated as we would like to stay in the same part of town so the girls don't have to switch schools- or so that we don't have to drop them off and pick them up everyday. We would also like to find a house that meets some of our big needs- especially when it comes to Wyndham. That means ideally we would love a full bathroom and if we get really lucky, a bedroom for her on the main floor too. But so far a home to rent for our size family that meets those needs hasn't presented itself to us. Yet. So feel free to join us in praying for those things to end up on our next home's checklist. Feel free to pray that our house in Michigan would get a buyer too. It's been on the market for 10 months now and we have yet to get an offer that comes close to our asking price.
I am trying not to stress out and worry about it. I know that we are 40 days or less away from being in our next place. It would be a miracle if we could call that next place "home" for more than a 12-month lease agreement. I have my doubts. But at the same time I am trying to believe in a miracle too!
In the meantime, I am scrapping. In part for fun. In part to take my mind off of things out of my control. And in part because I just love when my kit arrives each month and I have fresh ideas ready to scrap with great products! The sneak peeks you see here are from Cocoa Daisy's upcoming October kit called "Aspen Grove." The kit and add-ons will be available soon...and they have been selling out more and more quicly each month. So get ready to grab one this time around!

One, two, three...here we go!

So here we are. On the last day of Crew being 3! It has gone way too quickly, as time just has a way of moving. Yet it has felt like Crew has been a part of my life forever too. I can't imagine life without him in it! I clicked back to September 2008 and voila! There he was in his debut post. He was a charmer from the very beginning and received 100 well-wishes from many of you too. I think that is one of my favorite ways to describe my little guy- he's a charmer. He has a way of lighting up a room. With just his eyes at times. Or his larger than life grin. And most often his favorite way to make an entrance is to be heard even before h has been seen! He's a loud one!
But we have grown to love every single aspect of him. Even the ones that push our buttons and make us have to literally hold him down for a few minutes to get his little mind and body to drift off to sleep. Even at almost age 4.
He came into this big world of ours in a rather mellow way. He was my easiest, fastest delivery and his birth was an even planned affair as I was induced just 3 hours before he made his appearance. We were so ready to welcome him into our lives and home and family. Even when skeptics criticized the way our family was contributing to the economic crisis in America, we knew without a doubt that he was going to be loved and cherished and make this world a better place by being in it. I still remember those first hours, days and weeks when he was placed in my arms and as we got to know him and feel the weight and warmth of him in our arms. We were all on cloud 9 for a long time. Well, for about 6 months, truthfully. And then he realized he wanted to go and do and get into everything else that he saw his siblings going and doing and getting into. =)
But he was a wonder and a true gift and here we are. One, two, three and on the eve of turning foure years old, I can tell you that he still is a wonder and a gift. He has filled our lives with love, joy, laughter, tears, pain, fun, and so many other things in between. I recall holding his tiny body and just staring at how perfect he was and wondering what I had ever done right in my life to deserve something- someONE- so wonderful as him. I still don't have an answer to that question of mine. But I am thankful an infinite number of times over that he was born into our family and we feel lucky over and over to have Crew Tillman in our hearts and lives as a result. Forever.
Happy birthday, my dear Crew. You are one loved, loud, lovable and lucky little guy. We can't wait to see you blow out 4 candles and eat cake and grow a little bit more into who you were made to be! xoxo

The usual around here...fun and scrapping.

I was keeping up with Nitty.Gritty. with all those wedding memories, and then suddenly nothing again for 10 days. I can tell you that real life mimics my blog much of the time. Summer is a time where things are very laid-back and as you can see, inconsistent in our home too. =) I am working on striking some balance somewhere, but trying to get 6 kids on board with my idea is proving to be the most challenging aspect to that.
Chip and I had a quick bowl of soup at the hoagie joint downtown Northfield on our anniversary. We marked 17 years by trying to come to a decision about whether or not to rent a home here in town long-term, while we continue to wait for our house in Michigan to sell. The house we're renting right now suits our needs- but has been very frustrating to us as the realtors have had several showings and that means we {I} have to clean the house top to bottom and we have to get 8 of us out of the home for a couple of hours. No easy- or fun- feat! We should have just enjoyed our soup, but instead we made pros/cons lists and tried to solve world peace together as we reflected back on 17 years of life together. Let's just say we didn't solve world peace. But we did eventually decide to just stay put in our current rental for now. We are still praying, waiting on God's timing and hoping that our house will finally get an offer on it so that we can begin to settle our family in more permanently here in Minnesota. Can you believe that we've been here 8 months already?! It goes quickly and yet we would love to be 'real homeowners' again. So we wait for all that big stuff to fall into place. Easier said than done!
Besides our anniversary, Teague turned 2 on the 19th! Chip was busy with a tournament at the club all weekend, so we had sort of a mellow day for Teague. But 2-year olds don't need a whole lot and they can get excited anyway! Part of his day involved getting a new red tricycle. He has loved it from the first sighting of it! He also got to blow out his candles that were poked into a frosted doughnut. He loves doughnuts and even got to come to the store to pick the variety along with me. He was cheering when we got to the case of pastries. I am pretty sure that means he has a sweet tooth. =) Later in the day we also had a "Banana Bar" where we had sliced bananas that everyone dipped in melted chocolate and then there were a bunch of cupcake liners with miscellaneous toppings to dip the chocolate slices into and then eat. It was a bit of a mess, but a whole lot of fun. And I think that is exactly what turning 2 should be about.
We love our little strong-willed, loud, funny, energetic, cuddly, and doughnut-loving little guy. He has brought a whole new dimension to our lives the past two years and we are thankful that he has been a part of our lives and heart since we first learned we would be having another baby Ferlaak. I am sure we will have many more stories, fun, laughter and sweets with Teague in the coming years too. I hope he always keeps his sense of humor and his love of music too!
Finally, I am just getting into my latest box of scrap fun from Cocoa Daisy! The September kit is called "He Said. She Said." and it is such a great mix of colors and I have a bunch of ideas for those tiny wooden cutouts that I decorated.  I am still absolutely loving my spot on the design team there. Each day on the message boards I have been getting to host a thread called, "QOTD" which stands for Question of the Day. You are more than welcome to register on the Cocoa Daisy site and when you do that you are welcome to read the message boards, participate in any thread you like, play along with the challenges and we would love for you to start a gallery and share your own creations with us there too! You do not have to be a subscriber of the kits or stamps to do so. We love having people around and sharing ideas...and who knows?! Maybe you will want to get an occasional kit or a subscription of monthly scrap goodies. I can tell you from my own experience that it is a great deal...the kits are SO stylish and full of a great mix of papers and extras to craft. You will not be sorry. But like I said, you are free to just join in the fun and check us all out for a bit too! I would love to get to know you better through the message boards. It's just a fun, lively place to "hang out" and connect with other people online. I promise that we are a lot of fun too. =)
That is a recap of the life and times of the Ferlaak family the past couple of weeks. We are hoping to get a bit of warm weather in the next 12 days so that summer will feel like it was summer before it is over so soon. We have loved our lack of schedule and the way we have gotten to sleep in, stay in jammies, make messes, and not worry about homework, alarms, or making lunches by 7:30am. I sometimes wish it could stay summer year round! Ok. I would like one week of fall, one week of winter and maybe even a couple of weeks of spring. But I do love summer the most!

She's brought us more joy {and cupcakes too!}

My Bella. We call her Bella, but she was born, Isabella...10 years ago today. Oh how the years go by so quickly it seems! The days can feel long at times, but the years are swift and leave it to another birthday to remind me of that. So my sweet Bella is having a birthday today. She is out with Chip and all the kids for lunch- except for Teague, who is napping and which is why I am enjoying a quiet moment to blog. And to reflect.
I wrote an update on FaceBook today about how she was born early in the morning and under scary circumstances. For whatever reason, and we'll never know for sure, her heart rate stopped when I was at the hospital, in labor (at 8cm) and suddenly everything in the room went for normal, calm breathing to high alert/panic mode. I'll never forget the look on Chip's face. I'll never forget the stern, firm words from my doctor as they suddenly prepared to deliver her. The doctor told me, "Normally I wouldn't ask you to do this, but you have to just do what I say...you're going to push and have this baby in the next contraction. There's no other way." That was the moment Chip panicked and as the room sort of swirled and buzzed around me I remember that I pushed with all my might and much to all of our surprise and I am sure a helping nudge from above, Bella was born.
She was tiny. Not my tiniest, but at 5lbs. 10. oz. and 18 inches long, she was small. And after a moment or two of oxygen and rubbing from the nurses, she was healthy and doing just fine. That all happened on July 25, 2002. Four days shy of the first annivesary of our incident in which Teagan was taken from us so suddenly. It was almost surreal to me at that time, and it still i now when I pause to think about it all, that in the time span of one year we lost one daughter, had a brush with death with another and yet held her in our arms amazed at the new life God had given to Chip and me again. I remember feeling so overwhelmed. Not as I had been with becoming a mom all over again with my other kids, but with the knowledge that all my kids were gifts from God no matter how long they would be in my arms here on earth. I was overwhelmed with the way God was showing Himself to be real in our lives- in spite of our tragedy and broken hearts. He knew before Chip and I did, that the very thing we needed in life was someone so small and perfect to be a stunning visual, baby soft reminder of God's mercy, tenderness, might and sovereignty in our lives.
Isabella was all of that, and so much more. I have loved her and wept over her with tears of joy and the belief in my heart once again that I could absolutely trust in God's ways and in His timing. She was a gift to our lives and hearts when we would have closed ourselves off to goodness in this world simply because we were hurt so deeply. But God reached down into the depths of our hurt and sent Bella to us at such a perfect time. We couldn't have planned it any more perfectly than it happened.
She is 10 years old today. In those ten years we have watched her grow and change and continue to become more of the person God made her to be. She is sensitive. And feisty too. She loves Pokemon and computers and she is amazing at art and writing and she is quick-witted too. She would stay up reading late into the night every night if I let her. She would still probably be the first or second one awake. =) She is Crew's best buddy these days, but also connects with Ava as one would expect sisters so close inage to do. If I told her she could never go outside again, she would probably clap her hands and shout, 'hooray!'. She sys, "I am more of an inside kind of girl." I love that she knows what she likes and what she doesn't. But she sometimes surprises me at what she will venture to try too.
One night a little while back as I was tucking her into bed for the night she had sort of a downcast look about her. I sat on the edge of her bed and asked, "Bella, is everything okay? You look kind of sad". Her response blew me away...and yet totally affirmed what I already know to be true about her. She said, "Mom, I feel sad inside...do you know why?" I asked, "No...why?" She replied, "I can't stop thinking about some kids in the world. There are kids in the world who don't have a mom or dad or someone else to love them. I feel sad when I think about kids who don't get a hug or kiss goodnight." And then she told me this, "When I grow up I want to travel around the world meeting kids who don't get love and giving them hugs and kisses."
Wow.
If every heart were as sensitive and empathetic as hers, this world would be so full of extra hugs and kisses that I think we would overflow with love. I actually hope that she does grow up and find herself able to tend to people who need love and give some of hers away. She is good at showing her love and to know that her love could change the life of another person is an amazing thing to me. Her love already changed me. So I have no doubt that God is working in her and will do what He wants to do through her.
I was flipping through my scrap albums with Teague yesterday afternoon. He was surprisingly gentle and really interested in the pages in my books. I was surprised by that! One of the first pages we turned to was the one I posted here about Bella. She was 5 at the time. I love that I captured that conversation and moment in her life. I love that not much has changed. =)

He adds joy to my life...

Happy, happy birthday to my husband, Chip today.
I was lucky enough to go the circus with my family and parents yesterday afternoon, and double-lucky to have my parents watch my kids while Chip and I took in a show downtown Minneapolis. We got last-minute free tickets from some friends and enjoyed an unexpected, fun night out celebrating Chip's birthday together.
I won't go into details about how crazy my day went as I loaded my kids and took them across the Twin Cities for the day, but I will tell you it ended much nicer than it began. For that I am thankful and it just seems so fitting for how things go for us more often than not. I was reminded several times throughout the weekend of how much I need the supportive people in my life and how thankful I am that they stick with me and cheer me on at 'crunch time'.
Chip is the biggest cheerleader in my life and I don't give him a whole lot of credit on my here. So on his birthday today- even though it's April Fool's and a lot of people would like to use the day to pull a prank, I am using this space and time to tell you a few things about this great guy that I am happy to call my husband and friend.
When Chip and I met I was finishing my senior year of college and focusing on all the freedom I was about to have as soon as classes were wrapped up. I didn't have strong leads on where or what I was going to do, but I was in a very content place in my heart and looking forward to seeing what jobs God might bring my way. I had no plans for a guy to walk into my life and was happy being single and independent. But this Chip guy that I worked with just happened to ask me out to a movie and dinner at the Mall of America one night; I just happened to say "yes". I figured it would be a good time to just go out and have a fun together and see a movie. I had no plans or intentions for anything beyond just a fun time out with a guy from work.
Obviously the story wasn't that short and sweet. I didn't expect Chip to be so funny or a great conversationalist. Our work together at a restaurant didn't really allow for us to talk much beyond "shop talk", so I didn't know much about him or what he was like as a person. I knew he had a great work ethic...and a charming personality, because he was always making better tips than me! After just one dinner at Planet Hollywood and seeing the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire", I started looking at him differently. And by differently, I mean I was interested in him. He was suddenly more than "just a guy I work with". He fast became "a guy who makes me laugh, makes me think, makes me like myself more when I'm around him, and makes me want to know more about him" kind of guy.
After just 5 months of dating, when Chip asked me to marry him I was so sure of my "yes". He is the kind of guy that I knew I could be lifelong friends with and I just knew in my heart that there was something dynamic about him that I wanted to be a part of for the rest of my life. Ask any of his friends and I just know they would tell you that it's true. He's got a knack for being likable and charming and he knows how to make people feel good and want to do good. I love that about him.
I could type a list of things he does to push my buttons and a list of things I do to push his. I'm not saying we're perfect and without issues. But more than that and honestly, more important than that is the fact that I know he loves me for my good qualities and he accepts my faults too. He is there to help me change some things and I am thankful we have learned to love in spite of the stuff that comes up in our lives that's not always so fun and exciting. His best qualities are his heart, his pursuit of what is right- his integrity, and his ability to keep pushing through the tough stuff because he truly believes that something better awaits.
He has added joy to my life in more ways than I can count. He has strong arms that hold me up, keep us together at times, and his hugs make me feel like everything is okay in my world- no matter what. He has a way of making me laugh when I sometimes think it's impossible to do so. He has a way of lighting up a room and you can't help but want to be around him. It's true. My kids still race to the door and fight for his attention when he comes home from his work at the course. He is a giver and today of all days I just wanted to let him {and you} know that he's one-of-a-kind. I am thankful that our lives have had years of growing together and intertwining of stories through the years. I hope we get many more too! Happy birthday, dear Chip. I love you.

It is well with my soul.

Today marks what would be Teagan's 15th birthday if she were still here with us. It's a strange and wonderful thing to have this type of day in my life. One that, even now celebrating 11 birthdays without her, doesn't really come any easier and can't fully be put into words what my heart feels.
I do feel so honored and privileged and humbled and grateful and blessed that God chose me to be her mom- knowing full well that the number of her days would be less than 4 and a half years. Knowing full well that I had hardened my heart toward having any kids at all- yet He chose to send Teagan into my life and change me forever. She was my gift. My gift of being released from a life that was becoming more and more selfish and looking for fulfillment in things of this world- rather than finding it in the one true source in God. She was my gift of coming to understand that joy was in not in obtaining things, but in giving and receiving love. Teagan made me want to be better in all areas of my life. She made me slow down, reprioritize, simplify, notice the details, celebrate the ordinary, rejoice in the little things and she taught me that you can dance even when there's no music playing at all.
She loved life. It sounds cliche, I know, but in her short number of years she soaked so much in, gave so much to others and really lived her life to the fullest. She filled my heart and life in a way I never dreamed a child could do. Even as demanding as she was and the fact that she had more energy than I could keep up with sometimes, I know she was placed in my life to help refine parts of me that needed refining and to open my eyes to ways of seeing that I would have been closed to had it not been for her.
I spent my entire pregnancy with Teagan dreading the changes this baby would require of me once she arrived. Chip and I didn't know if we were having a baby boy or a baby girl. When we had the chance to find out I was still so upset to even be pregnant that I didn't care to find out. That's how hard my heart was toward having a baby.{I, of course, regret the way I felt back then. Especially so when she was literally in my life one moment, and gone the next.} But in His higher ways, and because God knows what is better for us than we know ourselves- out of His incredible mercy to not let me waste my life on things with little or no eternal meaning, God reached out to me and literally placed Teagan in my lap on the morning of March 18th, 1997.
"It's a girl!" my doctor said with a beaming grin on his face. It was as though she was the first baby girl he had helped bring into this world. Or maybe it just seemed that way to me because she was my baby girl. My first, my perfect, my tiny, the most beautiful creature I had ever seen...and she was mine. A big tear rolled down my cheek and my eyes blurred as I tried to grasp the reality that this tiny, perfect baby girl was mine. Forever. The love I felt as she was handed to me all swaddled and wet was something I can still feel, as clear as the moment it washed over me.
On this day, year after year after year, no matter that she's gone, I still feel it in my heart. It's like a piece of pure joy. Only now, my arms don't hug her. Her laughter doesn't ring in my ears. Her smile doesn't light up a room. Her tiny pinky doesn't wrap around mine the way we used to promise to love each other forever. Her birthday comes...and goes without her. But not without a certain peace that I know God continues to pour out into my heart even though she's gone. I miss her. I wish she were here. I cannot begin to comprehend the splendor that surrounds her in Heaven everyday. I ache from knowing I will never hug or see her on earth again. Yet I am filled with a deep comfort and peace for I know that our hearts are in the very same place.
That is a gift of grace that I thank God for whenever the sadness threatens to consume me. I rejoice knowing that I will see her again one day because God's promises are true. I wish her story- my story- our story had a different ending for her than the mere 4 birthdays we had with her. But I can tell you in all honesty and sincerity that I truly believe and accept the short time I had with her was a gift to change me. In more ways than I think I can ever fully know. Today I mark another birthday without Teagan. Sure there is sorrow; sure there is an emptiness that I can't express, but more importantly I have come to see how she was, is still, and always will be mine. It is well with my soul. And oh what peace floods my soul as I think back on who she was, who God is and what awaits us all in Heaven. Someday!
Happy Birthday in Heaven, to a special little girl. I can't imagine her at 15, and I am just as happy to think of her as 4. Forever.

Another birthday!

I didn't mean to go nearly a month without posting, but here it is almost a full month later and I am just getting to my blog. I can tell you that we have had a busy month. I think I have gone out more times in the past month than I did in the previous two years- in part because we have great babysitters nearby {Thanks, Dad and Mom!} and also we are just trying to jump right in to life here in Minnesota and that means making new friends, trying new things and finding ways to get involved with various activities in the community. Chip's job is keeping him very busy and I think he likes it that way best. We have also gotten well-acquainted with people at a local church and it feels great to be making friends with others who share your same beliefs and seek to live out similar ideals in life. The weather has been better than usual for this time of year and that has made it fun for us to get outside, play at our nearby park and learn our way around the neighborhood a bit. We are still anxious to get our house in Michigan sold- although there have been very few prospects up til this point. It simply becomes one big issue for us to turn over to God and let Him work out the timing and details for us. It's easier said than done, but I don't think waiting and learning patience is the worst thing to have to experience in life. So we wait and hope and keep an eye out for a home that will suit the needs of our family when the time does come!

To top off our busy schedules, we celebrated another birthday yesterday... Ava turned 8! She is so excited about growing up and I think she wished she had turned 13 instead of Brock. But she will get there before we know it and so I am trying to tell her to enjoy being 8. To start her year off right I woke Brock, Bella and Ava up early and we went out for breakfast at Perkins yesterday before school started. Each Wednesday our local schools have a one-hour late start {as part of an ongoing teacher-education program, I believe} so we had that extra hour we missed from Daylight Savings time this weekend to use at breakfast. =) Ava was so happy that she jumped out of bed and announced it would be her best birthday ever!

We kept it mellow and of course had to round out the day with homemade buttercream cake and cupcakes- Ava chose mint-colored frosting with pink (strawberry) cake inside. On Saturday we will have another small party with some family here at our house. And then on Sunday we will mark another birthday. This time it will be in memory of Teagen~ who would have been turning 15 if she were still here on earth with us.

It's so amazing year after year how the emotions well inside me- there is a heaviness that brings an unexplainable feeling. Even though I know it's coming each year it just sort of "hits me"- from headaches to a bad attitude for "no reason" to a little bit of anger at the unfairness and reality that we are missing out on so much of her life. I find comfort in the fact that we have been able to make so many wonderful memories year after year- even though it's not always an easy choice to make. It is easier to wallow and feel sorry and bitter and just shut out the happiness of the world when one's heart is filled with sorrow. I am grateful that God sent Ava into our hearts and lives at this particular time of the year. She wasn't due until mid-April. But I think God knew that we would need a very special reason to party in the days leading up to missing Teagan on her birthday.

Celebrating Ava and making new, fun memories with all our children has been a gift I wouldn't have reached out for if offered to me in the darkest days of my grief. It makes me all the more thankful that God knew best and chose for us they way He did.

Ava has been a beautiful little girl, who has a zest for life and seeks happiness and fun and joy as often as she can. She loves to party and be loud and dance and have fun. Even at totally inappropriate times- like when it's already past bedtime. =) I think I can speak for myself and our whole family that she indeed brings excitement and adds happiness to our lives in ways that only she can. I am delighted to be her mom and to have been the one to hold her first and kiss her first and to be the one to still get to bring smiles to her face through mint-colored cupcakes and lots of other ways too.

We love you, Ava and are so happy that God sent you to our family at the perfect time. We hope you have many more years of parties and fun and joy this side of Heaven! Before you know it, you will be a teenager and I am sure your zest for life will keep us on our toes then too!

The teen years.

This past Saturday Brock turned thirteen. I am officially a parent of a teen now! It really is a blur and crazy how fast those years go by. But I must say that I consider myself very lucky to have been able to watch Brock grow from a tiny 6 lb. 1 ounce little guy to the person he has become these past 13 years.
Brock has always been a mild-mannered, people-pleasing, good-humored, tolerable, patient, thoughtful, witty and likable and many other great things. We watched him change from follower to leader in our home among the kids after his sister died and as more kids have been added to the family. He fills his role well and there is added happiness in our life because of his presence in our lives everyday.
Some 13 year olds can be very demanding, but not so with Brock. At this point in his life he is loves video games and his PS3, but is equally happy to let his brother and sisters play it too. He puts forth good effort in all of his classes at school and enjoys the saxophone, social studies, science and math. He is signed up for lacrosse this spring and hopefully will get some time to play more golf this summer too. He has lots of friends back in Michigan and is making new ones here in Minnesota as he gets the opportunity.
He still is always willing to do what I ask of him- like help with Crew and Teague or give up something for someone else, like a seat on the couch- when asked the first time. It amazes me and I try to let him constantly know how much I love and appreciate his obedience. I marvel at it more and more as the other kids grow and never respond the way Brock does. He sets the bar high when it comes to obeying your parents.
And yet he's not afraid to speak his mind and let us know when he feels something isn't fair or that he wants some space to himself. We are lucky that he is in our life and family and I sometimes I try to imagine how life would be if we had lost him in our tragic incident too. He came very close to not being here with us and I don't ever want to take that for granted. I don't deserve any of the kids I have in my life- they are all true gifts to me and 13 years with Brock has certainly been more than a blessing. It's been my joy to be his mom.
And friend.
He just got Face Book- as we made him wait until he was legally 13 to get a page. I got to be his first "friend" and somehow I am fortunate to be mom and friend. I hope that our relationship will grow even better with time. I'm am sure there will be days where we don't see eye to eye on things or where we need a little extra soace from one another. But for now I can honestly say that it is a remarkable and wonderful thing to have a teen in the house. Or maybe it's just Brock. =) He really is a great kid and I hope that in the years he has yet to grow and learn and share his life and goodness with the world that the world recognizes a tiny bit of his greatness and gives some of it right back. Happy teen years to my Brock!
{That cake Brock requested is here if you want to make one of your own...Pillsbury Turtle Cake. Delicious, easy and makes for a great birthday cake!}

On the eve of another big day...

I just happened to find a stack of cd's with several hundred "old" family photos on tonight in the middle of some of our 'stuff' around the house. I put the disc in my laptop and couldn't believe some of the pictures I found. Many of them I didn't remember even taking- those are so fun to come across, because it's like you get a little treasure from the past you didn't even know you had kept. Remember my previous post... what can I do with or without? I am glad I am obsessive about taking photos. I especially love digital ones because although the discs and files take up space, they don't really take up much room in the overall scheme of things. And like I said, it's a treat to come across them and I am sure will just become more "valuable" with age.

Tomorrow is Wyndham's birthday. She is excited to be having Grandma and Grandpa at our house to celebrate her and have a special meal and of course, a special cake for her too! When I saw some of the photos of her- {these are of her at age 4 1/2} the emotions in me were all over the place. I can't believe how tiny she was! I can't believe she was still "walking on her knees or tall-walking" as her therapists called it. I can't believe she was so happy to be learning to use a walker and be gaining a little bit of muscle tone finally.

I just love her smile and how she was so eager to try new things and push herself hard in order to be as much like the other kids in the family as she could. I love that she doesn't look like she has a single major issue in those smiling pictures. Even though the fact is she couldn't walk, talk, go on the potty, ride a tricycle, spin and dance or do lots of other things that little 4-year old girls typically get to do.

On this eve of her eleventh birthday I am still amazed at so many things about her. Amazed in truly mixed emotional ways. I love that she has rose to challenges time and time again- almost her whole life long. I am awed that she has surprised us by accomplishing so many things. But I would not be telling the whole truth if I didn't say it breaks my heart a bit too, just knowing that even after all her efforts and wanting and working toward being "just as able" as most other kids, that she still can't walk or talk or go potty by herself or ride a bike or dance and sing whenever her heart desires. As her mom I have always wanted her to be able to reach impossible dreams. The reality is that at age almost 11, her dreams have had to shift and change and sometimes the acceptance of her reality has become my bigget challenge. Not hers.

But rather than be sad and dwell on the things she can't do, these pictures reminded me tonight of all she has overcome and how even when she's had to resign herself to the fact that she'll never talk or do lots of things other kids do, she still has a sparkle in her eye, a joy in her heart, a silly sense of humor and she is loved in ways many people will never have the privilege of knowing. She is a remarkable little girl and I just had this glimpse in my mind that I can imagine must have come straight from above tonight.

I was letting my heart just soak it all in- the day she came into this world and how Teagan was such a proud, big sister and how Brock was unimpressed and very much a typical 2-year old at that first hospital visit. He cared more about getting to drink out of my can of pop sitting on my hospital tray than he did about wanting a turn holding Wyndham. I was so happy to be a mom fo three and was so thrilled to imagine Teagan and Wyndham being the kind of best friend and sisters I hoped and dreamed they would be. And then I paused and flash-forwarded through the unimaginable and landed on this birthday eve.

I was sitting in my thoughts just thanking God for bringing Wyndham and us so far together. Through things I never imagined going through on that special birth day- January 4th, 2001. I was feeling that tightness I get in my throat when I hurt from the past when all of a sudden the glimpse came to me. And then it grew from a glimpse to an 'oh my goodness I wonder what it WILL be like' picture in my mind. That picture was one where someday- I don't know when- I will "see" the picture clearly in Heaven and Wyndham will be dancing. And singing. And running and laughing and twirling and doing all the things I wished she could do so many times... and she'll be doing them effortlessly. With great JOY! She will be more than I ever imagined or dreamed she could be. In my limited mind and imagination here on earth I can only compare it to how an Olympic Gold medalist might feel. Or how a musician feels when they hit the perfect pitch at their highest, loudest note in the song. Or how the poet feels when they pen the most eloquent poem and read it aloud only to bring tears and hushed sounds to the crowd listening on. Or how an astronaut feels as they look down to earth from miles and miles away- all the years of studying and the physical intensity it demands to be floating in air...well, you can see. I was given this amazing picture of how Wyndham might be in Heaven one day.

To think that we have had to walk a rough road with her and feel fatigue and heartache and emotional and mental and physical pain from the added demands of her life challenges- and yet to realize that it all is just a small thing to guide her, care for her and help her along the way to her ultimate healing and her hope of eternity. She will dance one day. She will shout praises to God with a clear and mighty voice. She will be the perfect creation God has intended her to be! I am sure the moms of Olympians would say over and over and over again that when their child stood on the highest podium and held up their gold medal that all the sacrifices and hardships they endured through the years of training, didn't matter one bit at that moment. The sweat and tears and pain it took to get to that point simply melt away and are replaced by the roar of the crowd. The music plays and as their child stands proudly for the whole world to see any parent would say that nothing compares to such a moment in time.

Well, I can tell you from my own little corner of the world, I believe with all my heart that Wyndham's moment in "time" (which will actually last for all eternity!) is more than going to make up for anything we/she has endured down here. It gives me such a peace and I know I need to focus more on what's coming as we continue to cheer her on every single day. I am proud to be her Mom. I am proud of her spirit and how she puts her best foot forward even when it hurts. I am so happy to be celebrating her life for another year tomorrow. As tough as it's been... there has been a lot to smile about. And I know more is yet to come.

...and then he was 3!

A week ago {Sept. 19th} Crew turned 3! It seems like we were just setting up his nursery and getting all the tiny clothes washed and put away in anticipation for his arrival. The next thing I know he is signing "3" and helping to select the cake flavor(s) and then holding the mixer and licking the beaters when the batter is done.

The years really do go by in the blink of an eye- even though some of the days and nights feel like they will never end! Even with having 7 kids, I will never understand the phenomenom behind that truth. We fell in love with Crew and his tiny newborn baby scent back in 2008. He was perfect and warm and squeeky at just the right times. It seems like he grew out of that newborn/baby phase way too quickly and his bright little mind was bent on keeping pace with all his older siblings. There's a 4 1/2 year gap between him and the next in line, Ava, so he had a lot of ground to make up!

I won't sugarcoat it and lie to the world here on my blog. He was a tough cookie- and still is at times- especially when it comes to his strong will and his independent nature. He has wanted to do things his way and on his own since about the 1 year mark. It's only been in the last few months that he is easier to "tame" and also his verbal skills are finally starting to develop and that makes things a bit better for all of us. Knowing that "Bobbie" means he wants to watch SpongeBob helps more than one would think!

I am just so grateful that he is smart, funny, healthy, happy (at least at various times throughout the days) and ready to learn and try new things all the time. Even if it means I've wanted to tear my hair out once in awhile. We're in this together and for the long-haul. Thankfully we have a relationship that was based in love from the very beginning. And love will see us all through!

So, to wrap this up I am going to share some random things I love about Crew being 3:

I love that he can make his own toast. It sort of gives me a small heart attack because I'm not sure what he's up to sometimes, but it makes him proud. Some of my older kids could take cooking lessons from him. Seriously.

I love that he wears Superman jammies and when he wakes up in the morning a lot of times he comes running right to me with his arms wide open ready to give and get a hug. It's a great way to start the day!

I love that he laughs at quirky things. He loves slapstick humor already.

I can't help but love that he gets mad when we tell him he can't drive a car yet. I think he gets that from Ava. She was so upset one day at age 4 that I wouldn't turn over my keys to her that she cried the whole way home from picking up the big kids from school. =)

I love that Crew loves "grown up food" over fast food or junk food, for the most part. He eats cereal/granola for several meals and snacks each week. He especially loves fresh fruit and berries on top. And he insists on pouring the milk on himself, so I give him a little cup of milk that enables him to do it without my help. He won't eat chicken fingers or cheeseburgers, but he does like corn dogs. And toast. See above. =)

I love that he stills gets way too tired and than "crashes" at nap time if/when he takes one. He has a point in the day where he needs a nap so badly, but he fights it just as hard. On the days that he takes one I often get to lay down on his bed and help him calm into sleepmode. I know he's there when he starts twisting his fingers in his hair on the top of his head. Sometimes he even makes little knots.

I love that, even though it makes me feel like I live on a prairie and I'm married to Charles Ingalls, Crew calls me "ma". It's most adorable when he says, "Thanks, Ma!" for whatever it is I happened to get for him at the time.

I love that he makes smiley faces on the driveway with chalk. He loves art time with paints, markers, crayons and LOVES playdough. But he's not so typical in that he hates to get any of it on his hands or clothes. How lucky does that make me?! =)

Okay. One more. I love that he doesn't hold back. Whether it's good or bad, he's in 100%. Which is why I sometimes want to tear my hair out, but I also know that the world holds something amazing for him and he's going to go get it with all of his heart. It might get broken a time or two... but whatever his dream is, he is not going to settle for anything less. There is a lesson in that for all of us. Even if I am a biased mom of a charming 3-year old boy.

Happy birthday to my Crewie as we sometimes call him. I am so glad to be the one to watch you grow, to teach you new things, to see you try and try and try some more, and to share the frosting from the beaters too. My life is forever better because of you! Love, Ma xoxo

What a difference a year makes!

Today our baby of the family turns one! We are so lucky to have such a happy, healthy, rambunctious one year old in our lives. Teague has always been loved by us, but in the past few months he has been able to give a lot of love right back. He's generally a content, but busy, little guy. He loves to play with all his siblings and he loves banging on the All-Clad pots in the kitchen too. He's been climbing up full flights of stairs for 3 months now and has been walking for nearly a month. He is curious and smart and has a love of puppies- even though we don't own a single pet. He has 6 teeth- and although he is great about eating a variety of vegetables most of those teeth like sweets just as much. =)

We have loved watching him become who he is already and look forward to watching him grow and change and become all God designed him to be from one til however old he gets!

Happy Birthday, to our dear Teague. Love and best wishes from your whole family!

Bella's birthday and thoughts...

Yesterday was Bella's 9th birthday. She requested Baked Caramel French Toast for breakfast and she is in love with all things Pokemon, so I added some detailing to a Ryke's cake and it was one sugary, tasty day for all of us. =)

I was secretly hoping her birthday wish would be for all the laundry to wash, dry and put itself away, but I guess that wasn't it as I still have two clean piles to put away as I type this. I hope she wished for good things to happen in life. We are all still so ready for things in life to turn down the stress levels a bit and to get back to a more "normal" state. It's been a wild, long year for all of us and there's still a ways to go too.

I always get especially nostalgic at Bella's birthday as she was born just 4 days prior to the first annivesary of Teagan's death and our family tragedy. It's still so hard to grasp all that went on in that one calendar year back from July '01-'02. I still can't begin to know how it is that a person can lose one child and gain another in less than a year's time, but I can tell you that Bella has added joy and personality and she is such a thoughtful girl too. Nobody could have ever filled Teagan's {sparkly!} shoes, but Bella sure filled our hearts back with a taste of happiness and hope that we hadn't had in a long time. I'm so glad God sent her into our lives 9 years ago. I only wished she could have met her big sister.

Her fragrance in life...

Today is my Grandma Shirley's birthday. But she's not here with us on earth as she passed away last October. I have written on occasion of my dear Grandma as her life was filled with such twists and turns. I still wish she would have written a book- it would be full of tragedy and yet ultimately beauty, love and grace. That's what my Grandma's legacy is for me and so many others whose lives she touched.

The baby picture of her is so special because just like one would expect, my Grandma came into this world in a very unique and special way- yet even her birth story holds some heartbreak. She was born June 22, 1924 in Mitchell, South Dakota to a young woman who left her at the hospital. The nurses grew fond of her after caring for her for a few months and one of them in particular wanted to adopt her. But she was a young, single woman and that's not how things played out back in the 1920's, so this nurse called her married sister in Minnesota and asked her to come and adopt the baby and that's just what took place. My great-grandma, Lydia and ,y great-grandpa Ray Michel, took the train out and back and that's how my Grandma's life story begins.

On days like this her story makes me wonder. I wonder about her mother and father and their families and how they lived their lives never knowing what happened to the sweet, tiny baby left at the hospital. I wonder how my Grandma's life would have been different had she been taken home and grown up under totally different circumstances. Thinking about the circumstances that fell into place in order for me and all my siblings and cousins and my mom and her siblings to be here is an amazing thought. One major detail in my Grandma's life ended up determining so many other things- it's startling to think of what might have or could have been.

My grandma would make the point, if she were writing or telling this story, that she believed that God was ordaining each event and person in her life. She would tell you that even though the circumstances were unusual and even though she faced tragedy and trials like some never have in their lives, that God was in each hardship and He was her steadfast rock and strength. He never failed her.

She would grow up in Minnesota in a very loving family- the oldest of 3. She was a happy girl with laughter and song and a smile for everyone she met. She loved music and I still remember countless songs sung around her piano in her home when I was a girl growing up. My memories of going to Grandma's and spending time in her home are all wonderful. In fact the worst memory I have was a happy one that went bad in a big hurry, but still turned out good in the end.

At about age 5 I was staying at my grandparents while my parents had to be away- and my 2 brothers and 2 sisters were there too. We decided to dress up and play "Here Comes the Bride" and when the plastic flowers were tossed I tried to catch them but ended up hitting my forehead on one of the end tables in the living room. I hit my head hard and ended up needing about 6 stitches on my forehead. It was my grandma who got a warm towel and loaded me up and sat next to me while the doctor stitched me up. I got a tiny piggy bank on the way home and it was my Grandma who put a silver dollar inside of it. She had a way of making even life's tearful moments something to smile about.

* * * * *

I've been getting up early to go biking the past several days now that summer is warming up and really it has less to do with me wanting to get in shape, as much as it's my time to think and have some breathing room from all my kids that demand so much of me while Chip is busy with the golf season in full swing. It's been so nice for me to catch my breath and to clear my head and I realize how much I crave quiet! I never knew how much I like solitude- it makes me think that maybe I could be a "real writer" at some time in my life. Quiet space lets me collect my thoughts. What I love about biking and how this all plays into my thoughts about my Grandma today is this- there are lots of different homes that I ride past each morning- depending on which route I take. But one in particular made me think of Grandma's house a couple of times as I rode by and smelled breakfast coming from the open windows. The other morning it was the scent of bacon and eggs that almost made me ride up to the front door and ask if I could come in for a quick bite. =) I'm sure it was the kind of breakfast where there would have been plenty for one more to join in. It's exactly the thing that made me think about what made my Grandma so special and it is what I've been thinking about as a frazzled mom most days.

The thing is my Grandma wasn't a wealthy woman. She married a farmer and they worked hard to just keep things going as they started out. There was nothing glamorous about the pigs and chickens she helped to raise. I've heard the stories so I know that firsthand! One of the tragedies that struck her life was when their farmhouse had a terrible fire on Memorial Day in 1953 and she lost her young son in that fire and her husband, Royal, suffered horrible burns and was hospitalized and endured surgeries for over 2 years. He was out of the hospital for such a short time when their familiy had a terrible car accident and then he was killed and my Grandma was hospitalized and laid up for months after that. Several years later she married the Grandpa I knew and loved all the years I was growing up and he was a minister. It goes without saying that he wasn't in a profession for money and they lived humbly all their years together. So money and things and a fancy home or trips or anything that people think they wish they could give or pass on to their family isn't what I recall when I think of my Grandma. It's the memory of the savory breakfasts she cooked up when we were lucky enough to stay over at her house. It's the memory of the hours she spent in the kitchen, especially on Thanksgiving, to pull off a feast that I'll never be able to recreate. The food was outstanding because she poured her heart into it. It never mattered that her house was so crowded with all of the relatives that sometimes you got a seat where once you were in your spot you knew you wouldn't be getting out of that spot until at least 6 other people moved from theirs first! =) Her home always smelled welcoming- whether it was a holiday or not. She made it comfortable and it was the way she met us at the door with the best hugs and 'hello' that we all looked forward to the most.

Life sure tried it's best to un-do her so many times. She had a rough road and yet I grew up loving her jokes, her stories, her pies, her music, her friends and especially hearing about how God had seen her through it all- the good AND the bad. She loved Jesus with all her heart and she shared the love He calls us to share with everyone she came in contact with. Her life fragrance is something I can close my eyes and still imagine it so clearly. She lived her life in a way that attracted people to her- you wanted to be around my Grandma because there was just something so likable about her.

There are some beautiful homes on my bike route. Some have gorgeous landscapes and manicured lawns. I don't know what kind of people live inside of them. I'm sure they are nice, but what struck me on my bike ride is how I was so drawn to the humble home- the much more lowly home where the scent of "goodness" was one that nearly drew me in. My grandma was like that home. Granted I think she was beautiful inside and out- so she's sort of a mix of the nice homes and the lowly home. But her legacy makes me want to live my life so that the aroma I give off- the attitude that I express, the words that I say, the manner in which I show love or not- makes me want to strive harder to be the kind of person that will be remembered for being a "sweet scent" in this life.

I'm so fortunate that the unique circumstances that surrounded my Grandma's birth led to the family she was adopted into and grew into the family I feel grateful to be a part of today. I am striving to follow Jesus the way my Grandma lived and I am thankful for her example of steadfastness no matter what comes our way. I think of her so many times and I'll never forget the way she smells to me... she's that wonderful. One day I know I will see her again; oh what a day that will be!

She got her wish...

Today is Teagan's birthday. She would be 14, but as I've shared before, in my heart and mind she is four forever. This is the way I will remember her always. I will never forget how excited she was to be turning four. She wanted a butterfly cake and she got one. She actually celebrated her birthday twice that year. The second time she decorated her own mini cake with M & M's. She was surrounded by family and friends who loved and adored her. There was so much happiness and laughter in her world.

She got a lavendar Barbie Jeep and several other toys she wanted that year. She gave hugs and kisses in return. She was a bundle of love, joy, happiness and never-ending energy. There were days I felt like the luckiest mom to have such a special little girl in my life. From the moment the doctor said, "It's a girl!" and then placed her next to my cheek I felt something I never imagined I could feel. My heart overflowed with love and blessing at such a wonderful gift. She changed me. She changed me from the inside-out.

Ten years ago she was one of the happiest little 4-year old girl I had ever known... and she had a wish. A truly unusual wish for someone who loved life and lived it with such zeal. She told me several times in the next few months after her birthday that "she wanted to be 4 forever". I tried to talk her out of such a wish. Not that I ever dreamed that it would come true. I couldn't have known that it would.

If I had known I would have lived differently. I would have smothered her even more with love and hugs and praise and kisses. I would have breathed in her beauty and expressions and I would have taped her voice singing and laughing and I would have snapped a thousand more pictures of her too. I would have sung her to sleep and stayed next to her through the night just to memorize how she felt and soaked up her warmth a bit more. I would have run my fingers through her hair and wrapped my finger around her pinky even more tightly each time we pinky promised to love each other forever.

I couldn't have imagined such a childish wish coming true. But for some reason, beyond that which I will ever know or understand, she got her wish and that wish changed my life forever. Today is a day of remembering and wishing and dreaming and even for being thankful. I still feel like the luckiest mom some days. Today, as much as my heart is forever torn, I feel grateful. Grateful to have been given the gift of Teagan. Even if it was only 4 short years.

Happy Birthday Teagan, my little dream girl who still brings me to laughter and tears. You'll always be the love of my heart.