Stargazing, Fall Crop and a life lesson on Monday.

I have been busy behind the scenes of Nitty.Gritty. Our fall slipped very quickly into the first white of winter this week when we awoke to a whole backyard/golf course covered in snow. The good news is that it has already melted again, and we also learned how cozy our fireplace heats and makes our house feel. My scrap loft is just up and over the stairway from the living room, so all the heat rises and I was happy to plunk myself down in there and make a pretty mess! =)
The next kit is just about to be revealed. It's called Stargazing and it is full of Cocoa Daisy exclusive designs and products. It is my favorite kit and combination of 'stuff' and has made me happy as I cut it up and crafted with it. I get to be the host on the message boards on Monday night when the kit goes live, so feel free to stop in and say hi while you get the first look at everything in this kit. It's a good one!
The following weekend- Nov. 1-3 is the fall online crop. I am teaching a class called, "Layers of Goodness:: 1 class, 3 ways" and it has been fun putting it all together, so I am excited to share it with whoever wants to log on next Friday night. I promise it is easy, fun and hopefully it will kickstart some ideas in your own head that you can turn into a cool project of your own. This is such a great time of year to settle down and make pretty things. If you're like me, you wish someone would jump in and make dinner and do your laundry so you can scrap some more! =)
My kids have had three days off of school this week due to parent-teacher conferences and fall break. They all received really great reports and assessments from their respective teachers. I am a proud mom to them as they have been through so many transitions and yet still are making the most of it and trying their best through all of it. I am thankful for teachers and staff that have helped them succeed too. Wyndham also started school and has gone to her new classroom for the past 10 days. She attends a local area learning center and we have been so proud of how she has settled into her new routine and she is very happy to be back it school it seems. There are about 10 students in her class with various challenges and issues. There are several other classrooms at her school too, where we have seen just how blessed Wyndham is to be functioning at the level that she is at. There was a bit of heartache and heartbreak for me when we first toured the school and I saw just how many kids there are with life challenges far greater than the ones we deal with every day.
I'll be honest, it was hard to see the severity of some of their special needs. This world throws out a lot of curveballs and when they hit innocent little kids it is hard to swallow. But in those same hallways and classrooms I saw people helping and caring and meeting needs that made me realize just how lucky these kids are too. There is something very special about those who serve and teach and love people with disabilities. I am sure the ones serving and caring would tell you story after story about how they feel blessed to do what they do too.
As Chip and I dropped Wyndham off on her first day we stayed and helped her get settled in and just observed her interactions for a bit. The first part of her class the teacher goes over the basics, such as calendar, weather and lunch orders. You know, the important stuff in life! =) Each student gets a chance to respond to what month and day it is and the teacher goes around the room letting them say or point to the answer on the smartboard on the screen up front. It was quite the lesson for me as I watched this unfold. First of all, it was a Monday in October. I don't know about you, but a Monday in October can be a pretty challenging thing just getting up and going. But these kids taught me something and I want to share it with all of you...and hopefully revisit this life lesson often, as needed.
It went like this: As the teacher announced to the class that today was Monday and the month was October, some of the kids started cheering and getting excited as they raised their hand to repeat the answer. One little guy especially could hardly contain his excitement. She called on him first. Willie answered, "Monday and October" and then he clapped loudly and repeated 'Monday' in sort of a chant/cheer format. He was all smiles and even though it was a cold Monday in October, his enthusiasm and sheer happiness over answering correctly was contagious. Little Willie has no idea that so many people hate Mondays. He has no idea that Monday is the dreaded day of the week for countless people going back to school and work or whatever it is that they do on Monday. He has no idea that some people wake up on Monday counting down the days til Friday.
And it hit me in such a vivid way that we ALL need a little more joy and contentment and excitement and enthusiasm in 'this moment'- even when, or should I say especially when it is Monday! Several of the other kids were all smiles and seemed very happy to announce that it was Monday that day too. Despite all the challenges they had going on in their bodies and minds, they had something going so 'right' too. Far better than many people who aren't labeled "special needs or challenged". Their attitude toward life and learning is something to be envied. I walked into that building feeling sorry for all the kids and heavy-hearted for the families who even need the extra assistance and care of the staff at that school. However, I walked out of that building softened and changed a tiny bit as I realized that maybe I am the one with the challenges and they are the teachers to the rest of us. Disability is only that when we allow it to hold us back. These kids and teachers are ready and even experts, I think, at taking on life just as it is handed to them and making the very best out of it. Even on Mondays. Now that is something to aspire too!
I think Wyndham is lucky to be in such a special place.

A day in the life.

It's Friday. Fridays are mixed emotion days for me, because while I love that the weekend is just around the corner, Friday nights have taken Chip away from us and leaves me with the 6 kiddos at home. We have come up with some things to fill the nights with fun and activity, but my inner/better mom still feels guilt that we "never do anything fun" as far as going out or doing anything exciting. Last Friday was another one of 'those nights'. Chip actually took Brock, Crew and Bella to work with him though. Brock got to hang out and bus some tables {and he managed to make some good tips too!}, and the kids always like to visit the club, eat dinner and play games in Daddy's office. It gave me a bit of a break with just 3 kids to entertain at home. I grabbed Happy Meals and shakes for the three that stayed behind so that they had some fun of their own.
Then that picture of Wyndham is a peek into the rest of our Friday night. I asked Wyndham if she wanted her picture taken on the iPad. She loves taking pictures of herself. My jean jacket just happened to be out on the arm of the chair she was in, so I put it on her and brought her next to the window in her room for the last bit of evening natural light. She is the one who started to pour on the charm and big personality. She was playing air guitar and doing silly faces and just making a big deal about her impromptu photo session. I was happy to get a front row seat to her show. =)
As I have been thinking about the way life goes sometimes, I was realizing this week just how awesome and lucky and special it can be to GET to stay home and do nothing. Sure it gets boring for middle schoolers and kids who want more of an active social life, but truly, as we hang out and play games and pop popcorn and laugh while answering random life questions around the table together, it is a pretty amazing thing all it's own. I know we are still making some wonderful memories to look back on. Even if we never leave our home. And that's  something you can't put a pricetag on. Even when it's considered "boring" to some. I am trying more and more to simply embrace the place we are at, the limited things we can do sometimes, and to see the spectacular in the typical day-to-day life we live. I sometimes wish it was more hyped up and exciting. But I am seeing more and more how it sort of is all that.
This week I have been scrapping Cocoa Daisy's May Record Label kit. I am so thankful each month to be on such a great team and to get to scrap such great stuff all the time. I love that it 'forces me' to put the memories and pictures of our lives right now down on a page. I am having a blast with the cool designs and funky bits and pieces in this new kit especially. I scrapped Wyndham's picture already and look forward to taking more pictures of our "boring Friday nights" and other exciting days in our life to scrap too. Here's to making memories- no matter where you find yourself having fun!

On the eve of another big day...

I just happened to find a stack of cd's with several hundred "old" family photos on tonight in the middle of some of our 'stuff' around the house. I put the disc in my laptop and couldn't believe some of the pictures I found. Many of them I didn't remember even taking- those are so fun to come across, because it's like you get a little treasure from the past you didn't even know you had kept. Remember my previous post... what can I do with or without? I am glad I am obsessive about taking photos. I especially love digital ones because although the discs and files take up space, they don't really take up much room in the overall scheme of things. And like I said, it's a treat to come across them and I am sure will just become more "valuable" with age.

Tomorrow is Wyndham's birthday. She is excited to be having Grandma and Grandpa at our house to celebrate her and have a special meal and of course, a special cake for her too! When I saw some of the photos of her- {these are of her at age 4 1/2} the emotions in me were all over the place. I can't believe how tiny she was! I can't believe she was still "walking on her knees or tall-walking" as her therapists called it. I can't believe she was so happy to be learning to use a walker and be gaining a little bit of muscle tone finally.

I just love her smile and how she was so eager to try new things and push herself hard in order to be as much like the other kids in the family as she could. I love that she doesn't look like she has a single major issue in those smiling pictures. Even though the fact is she couldn't walk, talk, go on the potty, ride a tricycle, spin and dance or do lots of other things that little 4-year old girls typically get to do.

On this eve of her eleventh birthday I am still amazed at so many things about her. Amazed in truly mixed emotional ways. I love that she has rose to challenges time and time again- almost her whole life long. I am awed that she has surprised us by accomplishing so many things. But I would not be telling the whole truth if I didn't say it breaks my heart a bit too, just knowing that even after all her efforts and wanting and working toward being "just as able" as most other kids, that she still can't walk or talk or go potty by herself or ride a bike or dance and sing whenever her heart desires. As her mom I have always wanted her to be able to reach impossible dreams. The reality is that at age almost 11, her dreams have had to shift and change and sometimes the acceptance of her reality has become my bigget challenge. Not hers.

But rather than be sad and dwell on the things she can't do, these pictures reminded me tonight of all she has overcome and how even when she's had to resign herself to the fact that she'll never talk or do lots of things other kids do, she still has a sparkle in her eye, a joy in her heart, a silly sense of humor and she is loved in ways many people will never have the privilege of knowing. She is a remarkable little girl and I just had this glimpse in my mind that I can imagine must have come straight from above tonight.

I was letting my heart just soak it all in- the day she came into this world and how Teagan was such a proud, big sister and how Brock was unimpressed and very much a typical 2-year old at that first hospital visit. He cared more about getting to drink out of my can of pop sitting on my hospital tray than he did about wanting a turn holding Wyndham. I was so happy to be a mom fo three and was so thrilled to imagine Teagan and Wyndham being the kind of best friend and sisters I hoped and dreamed they would be. And then I paused and flash-forwarded through the unimaginable and landed on this birthday eve.

I was sitting in my thoughts just thanking God for bringing Wyndham and us so far together. Through things I never imagined going through on that special birth day- January 4th, 2001. I was feeling that tightness I get in my throat when I hurt from the past when all of a sudden the glimpse came to me. And then it grew from a glimpse to an 'oh my goodness I wonder what it WILL be like' picture in my mind. That picture was one where someday- I don't know when- I will "see" the picture clearly in Heaven and Wyndham will be dancing. And singing. And running and laughing and twirling and doing all the things I wished she could do so many times... and she'll be doing them effortlessly. With great JOY! She will be more than I ever imagined or dreamed she could be. In my limited mind and imagination here on earth I can only compare it to how an Olympic Gold medalist might feel. Or how a musician feels when they hit the perfect pitch at their highest, loudest note in the song. Or how the poet feels when they pen the most eloquent poem and read it aloud only to bring tears and hushed sounds to the crowd listening on. Or how an astronaut feels as they look down to earth from miles and miles away- all the years of studying and the physical intensity it demands to be floating in air...well, you can see. I was given this amazing picture of how Wyndham might be in Heaven one day.

To think that we have had to walk a rough road with her and feel fatigue and heartache and emotional and mental and physical pain from the added demands of her life challenges- and yet to realize that it all is just a small thing to guide her, care for her and help her along the way to her ultimate healing and her hope of eternity. She will dance one day. She will shout praises to God with a clear and mighty voice. She will be the perfect creation God has intended her to be! I am sure the moms of Olympians would say over and over and over again that when their child stood on the highest podium and held up their gold medal that all the sacrifices and hardships they endured through the years of training, didn't matter one bit at that moment. The sweat and tears and pain it took to get to that point simply melt away and are replaced by the roar of the crowd. The music plays and as their child stands proudly for the whole world to see any parent would say that nothing compares to such a moment in time.

Well, I can tell you from my own little corner of the world, I believe with all my heart that Wyndham's moment in "time" (which will actually last for all eternity!) is more than going to make up for anything we/she has endured down here. It gives me such a peace and I know I need to focus more on what's coming as we continue to cheer her on every single day. I am proud to be her Mom. I am proud of her spirit and how she puts her best foot forward even when it hurts. I am so happy to be celebrating her life for another year tomorrow. As tough as it's been... there has been a lot to smile about. And I know more is yet to come.

If you believe in karma, you can't believe in her...

One year ago at this time Chip and I were dancing with Wyndham in our living room, then getting her into her jammies and tucking her as cozy as we possibly could into her bed. It was the eve of her double-foot surgery. We knew we were in for some major life changes, and comfort was not going to be one of them. For her, or us. We knew life was about to get as challenging as it's been for us in a long while.

We just didn't have a clue it was going to drag on. For a whole year. Or more.

Trust me.

We've lived through lots and lots of medical situations and injuries that require extensive care and treatment. We've been through the wringer with grief and trauma and all that it takes out of you as you process it and work your way through it. We're no strangers to doctors telling us what to expect- and having it turn out more on the "worst case scenario" end of the spectrum. I guess I could just tell you we're not rookies when it comes to recovery after injuries.

But this time it was different.

There were no medical helicopters or ambulances rushing one of our loved ones off with the outcome {literally} up in the air. We were feeling cautious, yet hopeful as Wyndham faced a few months of immobility and healing. We had several consulations of various doctors- all who agreed and supported the decision to go ahead with the realignment surgery and tendon lengthening. They used words like, "Wyndham is a good candiate" and "you should expect her to do very well" and "this is something that's been done before yielding great results, so we expect the same or better for you too". As hesitant and unsure as I was going into these consults, I walked away from them each time certain that Chip and I were making the best decision for Wyndham to have the surgery done. We felt educated and informed. We had asked lots of questions. We had exhausted other less invasive measures for a few years and finally felt like we were at the place where there really was only one best option.

So we went ahead and had her surgery done.

I dreaded it and prayed about it for over a year. I asked God for a miracle. I fully expected that at some point along the way my prayers would be heard. I figured that even right up to the very last set of x-rays taken that the doctors would come back to our room and tell us that they couldn't believe it or explain it but there would be no surgery needed. I fully believed that God wanted to use Wyndham as a real-life miracle in an orthopedic office setting. It seemed an unusual place- but I knew God could do miracles anywhere. That's the way this story went. In my head and in my heart. I wanted nothing more than for Wyndham to avoid the pain and suffering that she would endure. I wanted nothing more than for her to be able to keep going to school and be "just like all the other kids". I wanted her to keep growing and playing and laughing and signing and riding bike like she had been doing so well for the past couple of years. We certainly didn't need her laid-up in double casts. It would never be a "good time" for that. But certainly not just 5 weeks after her new baby brother had been born. That's supposed to be the time for the family to bond and nuture one another and adjust to sleepless nights and just take it all in. Because a new baby brings enough change of its own. We're no rookies in that department either.

So I knew, one year ago, as I danced with Wyndham and tucked her in and then swaddled Teague and nursed him to sleep, that the morning would either bring miracle or hurt. For all of us. Unfortunately, God chose not to heal Wyndham's feet on their own, but instead Chip gave her a nice warm bath, she had to skip breakfast, and then we hugged her and sent her off- with a smile on her face- to have surgery on both of her feet/legs.

Chip called me with an update at one point and said she had all the nurses smiling as she held out her finger for the pulse-ox and she was just being the best patient ever. I imagined that she would be. This was the first time she was hospitalized and not sick. She was as healthy and strong and happy as she'd ever been. Which made it all the harder for me.

I'm sure it was still the pregnancy hormones in my body, but I spent most of that morning in tears. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was the worst thing that I could do as a mom- sign the papers and authorize my little girl to have bone taken from her pelvis and placed in both feet, as well as have her legs cut lengthwise on the back of her calves for her tendons to be lengthened. It was as if I were signing us up for suffering. Her for the physical pain and limitations it would put on her; Chip and me for the added demands and emotional/mental suffering we would feel as we helped nurse for her and give her the care needed to get her back on her feet. I cried because I knew that everyone of us in our family was going to hurt in some way. And I had basically said, "Go ahead... you have my okay."

In my defense, I really feel that even though we asked a hundred questions, and even though the therapists supported us and the physiatrist supported us and recommended her surgeon and even though Wyndham loved her surgeon and we all seemed so confident and ready to get this done, I still feel (looking back a year post surgery) like we were not given the full scope of what the worst-case scenario might be. We were told she would be in double casts up to her knees for 8 weeks. Then she would be in some orthodics- which would be adjusted as she progressed with her rehabilitation. There was never, ever mention that she would be needing a wheelchair one year later. Or more.

That never crossed my mind. We looked at it as suffering and life-style changes that would last through the winter months, but then by spring we would be ready to breathe in the newness of springtime and feel energized and see Wyndham flourish. We never dreamed that things would take a toll on her the way they did. She hardly moved out of her wheelchair for the first 6 months at all. We never dreamed her lack of good progress would take such a toll on our marriage and family dynamics. I guess I thought Chip and I would find a rhythm and things would sort of move along differently. But we are adaptable people. We've lived through traumas and seizures and sort of expected that in taking it one day at a time we would manage the way we always do.

With humor getting us through most of it, and with the light at the end of the tunnel guiding our way. Only this time, there were too many days where none of us laughed. The pain was managable for Wyndham. But beyond that I couldn't help but grow more and more resentful as the progress seemed too slow and the recovery more demanding than any of us had imagined it would be.

I shut myself off from the world. In part because we had a new baby and 4 other kids just doesn't make it convenient to go out and do anything anywhere. But I think I shut myself out and grew a little bit more resentful everyday because truth be told, in my heart and mind we had already paid the price of suffering. And even more than Chip and me, Wyndham had paid more than her fair share of suffering. With each day that we had to lift her out of bed, and with each diaper change that we had to roll her to her side and try to bathe as she lay helplessly looking on or watched her siblings go off to school or play the games they wanted to, it just dug like a knife in my heart.

I've heard a lot about karma the past few years. You know, the idea that what a person puts out into the world is what comes back to them? Well, I believe it to a point. A really tiny one. And then I toss that notion out the window. Why else would there be so many things written about why bad things happen to good people? Or what about natural disasters- they take anyone in their wake. There is no mercy or stopping for people who have meant their quota of good. Sometimes bad just happens.

As I've watched Wyndham's life unfold over more than a decade now, I've only seen from her "good". I mean literally her life was turned upside-down and her chances to put anything out in the world were stripped before she had even sat up on her own. She never even had the chance to say a bad word. She has only shown determination and joy everytime she's had the world turn against her. And there have been a lot of times. Yet somehow, she overcomes. She's a fighter... most often with humor being her method of finding her way back too. She has always had a high pain tolerance and she always manages to be the one that makes me see the light is still there. No matter how dark it's gotten through the years.

In fact, one of the biggest reasons Chip and I have fought to keep our marriage together and have been able to find joy and happiness in life after loss and tragedy is because we have looked at Wyndham (and Brock, and all our other kids too) and we've said we want to keep it together and give them the best that we can in spite of how we feel.

But this year has been different.

I've had to fight with me (follow me here- I'm talking about the me inside of me) because I've blamed myself and felt regret and basically I have tried to figure out why the suffering we've lived with has had to follow us for as long as it has. I truly believe that God is able to change our circumstances. I fully trust Him with all that happens in our lives. So to feel pain for so long and not lose the happiness we worked so hard to get back through the years has just added to the hurt I've carried inside. It's been tough.

I've gone around in circles and tried to figure out what we could have done differently. That never helps anything for me anyway. It just makes me wish for a "do over" and we all know that can't happen. So I feel disappointed too. That even though we've tried our best, it just isn't turning out the way we imagine it to.

One year later.

I've been riding my bike for the past 4 months or so. I average 10 miles each day. I've ridden over 500 miles and in the time it takes to pedal that far I have had a lot of thinking and wrestling and praying along the way. I've pedaled some days out of frustration. I've pedaled some days out of fear. I've pedaled some days out of regret. I've pedaled some days just because I know Teagan never got to ride a big girl bike and Wyndham will never bike alone. So I've biked for them. I've pedaled some days because I can't believe how good I feel. I've sometimes wondered if I'd ever feel "good" again. {The answer is yes!} I've pedaled some days asking God to take all the pain away. I've pedaled on other days thanking Him for being merciful and keeping Chip and me together to bear the burdens and still see beauty rise from them. I've thanked God for giving me the ability to finally let go of needing answers or seeing outcomes that I've predetermined in my own heart and mind. I've pedaled and wondered why He's given me so much when I sometimes act like the biggest baby in my whole family.

One year ago I knew Wyndham was going to wake up and then be taken from her cozy home and the next thing she would find herself throbbing and her legs would be in bright orange casts and her hip would ache, but she would never know why. I am sorry that I let it happen to her. I am sorry one year later that I didn't know better than to say no. I am sorry that I couldn't change the fact that she would be in a wheelchair for a year and give up so much. I am sorry that I couldn't make it better for her. I am sorry I couldn't take away the hurt. I regret that she has suffered and been changed- even though she is content in her chair and doesn't seem to feel pain now. She isn't back to the way she was. She still needs maximum support and aid for so many daily activities.

Chip and I have found as much of a "normal" groove in the past year as we can with her needs and those of 5 other kids. We've only just begun to find our way back to one another. I am still on my way of letting go of why all this has had to happen to us. I am still holding on to the hope that even if God chooses to not reveal the answers to my questions, that I can still trust Him and know that He can work it all for good.

My faith isn't dependent on needing the answers. But it sure depends on knowing the One that has them all. That's the bottom line. It's not about karma. It's not about who has done what and how good or bad it's been. It's not about our energy being worse than another families, and it's certainly not about Wyndham deserving of something bad yet again. It's been a journey, that's for sure.

As you can see from the photos, she IS doing well. We're ALL doing well. In many regards we have nothing to complain about. We have more than we need or deserve. Would we change things if we could... yes. But we are taking things as they come. And Teague is happy to spend time in the chair during the times Wyndham is out of it.

I continue to bike as often as I can and with each passing mile I am feeling more confident that no matter what our family endures, we will come out shining. I can't say that I believe in karma. But I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, I DO believe in overcoming. And if you believe in that, then you most definitely believe in Wyndham. And I believe Wyndham is here because God knows we all need to see what a miracle looks like everyday. I most assuredly believe in those.

Still doing the juggling act...

Sometimes I wish I had been in juggling club back in high school because I feel it might have better prepared me for this time in my life. By this time, I mean having more kids, demands and activities going on around me than I do the ability to meet all those demands and do everything well. I keep trying to remind myself that I am doing the best with what I have, but I still can't shake that feeling of mommy guilt that it's not enough. Why is it so hard for us to let go of our ideals so often? I'm working on that. I'm learning I am more of a perfectionist than I wish I was and with a family as big and diverse in age and skills as mine, it's just not practical to be perfect anymore. Although I think Chip would tell you've I've been less than perfect for a long time now! =)

A couple of these photos I just took this morning as Bella and Ava headed out with Chip to the golf course for the kick off of Junior Golf this year. They were happy to be getting to do an activity and the kids always love to spend a little extra time with their dad this time of year too. Well, they love to spend extra time with him anytime- but especially so during his long summer hours. He makes such an effort to do things with the kids when he has the time. He took Brock and Crew out to hit some balls and play a few holes on Sunday afternoon. I need to give him more credit for all the things he does to lighten the load and make life more fun for us around here than I do. I tend to jump on him most when I get stressed out and overwhelmed and the truth is I need to point out more often all the things he does right and well. We all love him and are grateful to have Chip's flexibilty to help life keep moving along for all of us. I think it's okay for me to wish him a Happy Father's Day a few days early because he is so deserving of praise and also you and I both know I probably won't get a chance to blog again in time! So thanks, Chip, for being such a great dad and an example of what a leader and hard worker looks like. You are loved so much and we promise to tell you and show you that we mean it more around here too!

Now for a quick update on Wyndham and her current situation... we had an in-depth meeting with her surgeon last week and we're all in agreement (we her parents, case manager and therapists) that something hasn't been going well/right with her rehab for several weeks now. Chip and I have been so patient, but growing more and more disappointed and frustrated with how she's just not getting better, and in fact, in some ways has been getting worse. So after more x-rays and examination the doctor seems confident that there shouldn't be a reason for her to not want to bear weight on her feet. We're just unsure why she doesn't want or can't get back to walking. The decision was made to spend the next 2-3 weeks with an intsense physical therapy program as well as adding aqua therapy to her routine. So we're going from a couple of hours a week to sometimes twice daily workouts in hopes that we might see some progress and also to see if we can get her to build some muscle that she keeps losing. Yesterday was Wyndham's first time in a pool in over a year at a therapy center and she did great! She loved it so much she didn't want to get out of the water. It was the one posotive thing we've seen happen in a long time. Now I am hoping and praying that it not only will feel good for her- but that it will actually make a difference for her. If this extra hard work out schedule doesn't yield the results we are hoping for the next step would be to have to admit her to in-patient therapy in Grand Rapids and right now, honestly, I don't know if I can handle the stress and change that we demand of her, me and all of us as a family. I feel like we're already stretched so thin and I don't know where we would get the time, energy or opportunity for us to spend the time with her at a hospital setting for several weeks or months. Not to mention that it's not an easy thing to send your child away for such a lengthy time knowing she has needs unique to her and understood best by tose of us here at home. So feel free to join us in prayer and wishing Wyndham the best outcome we might expect as she is pushed harder the next couple of weeks.

I think one of my biggest life lessons since the death of Teagan and the trials we have endured since then has been to realize that as much as we strive to always do the right thing and to want the best and safest environment for our kids to grow and thrive in so much of what happens is still out of my/our control. There has been an ongoing 'theme' of surrender in our hearts and lives and I still struggle with giving it all up and saying, "whatever happens I simply trust You" and lay it all down for God to do in our lives as HE sees fit.

Life is hard... but God can use it all for His glory. Such a wonderful truth, but so hard to swallow!

I think it's more me than her...

How is it June already? I guess the previous month really got away from me more than I thought it would. I always have good intentions of dropping by here and posting updates or things that are happening, and then I find that it's 10 or later at night and I have nothing left to give anymore! So it's not for lack of topics- like I think I've mentioned before, but simply that the days are getting longer, warmer and even {somehow!} busier than they have been at any other time.

Teague is growing like a little weed. Or should I say a jumbo cupcake. =) The cupcake above was one I got up and frosted at 5:30 am the other morning so Bella could take it to her end-of-year 3rd grade class party. It happened to be her teacher's birthday too- so I had to go big instead of just ordinary. I find that baking makes me happy and baking fun, creative things makes me even happier. Even if it does cost me an hour or two of sleep and my blog suffers as a result too. I think the class appreciated it this time.

So Teague is growing and changing and finding new things to get himself into or onto each day. He has Crew and all his other bigger siblings to learn from and follow their examples- I just wish he wanted to take it a little more slowly at times. We found him near the top of a flight of stairs more than once this week. He's quick and he doesn't even look back! He is totally unaware of the danger involved and gets the biggest, proudest look on his face the higher he goes. I foresee a trip to the ER for stitches in his early childhood at some point in time. He's a little daredevil already!

I snapped a couple of pictures that are so routine around here right now with Wyndham still almost 100% of the time in her wheelchair and with Teague totally intrigued with everything about it despite the sharp edges, knobs and screws on it. You might notice he has access to a basket of toys and things all around the room he's in- but he has very little interest in anything if the chair is in sight. The only thing I found that catches his attention more than Wyndham's wheelchair is my pink vacuum. Just the things for a 9-month old baby to play with and chew on! I've been so frustrated and angry with how slow and drawn-out Wyndham's recovery from her feet has been. We have a doctor appointment coming up and are hoping to get some answers or even new direction/help on how to get her back to her previous state or at least more independent and we would LOVE to see her able to even use a walker rather than a chair. We have just entered the 9 month of having her unable to move around on her own and to say that I am tired and weary of it is an undertstatement. It has actually gotten much harder in many respects, rather than easier as the months continue to drag on.

The more I reflect on it, the more I can sense that my attitude and perspective have gotten clouded and I've begun to doubt that life will ever get back to "normal" again. It's only been in the last about 72 hours that I am convincing myself that if this IS the new normal and it IS as good as it may ever get, well then, I can accept that and even see that it will be okay. But I certainly don't want to believe it's true if there is still hope that things can turn around.

The picture of Wyndham smiling is one I took of her on a good day. She has had some major personality change- if you ask me- and sometimes I think she is just more accepting that this may be as "good as it gets" and she just endures her days in her chair. She certainly shows signs of wishing things different though- especially the other day when her sisters and little neighbor girls were out on our front lawn and she sat watching them out the window. They were running, jumping, laughing and rolling down the grass; Wyndham kept pointing outside.

My heart both leapt and broke at the same time. We have no ramp on our house and therefore because of the size and bulk of the chair and her I have very limited ability to get her outside. I've since been able to get her up and down our front steps with much effort- but it is really not an ideal situation. I call myself a prisoner in my own home whenever Chip has to be away. Which, as you can imagine with golf season in full swing, is often. We are working on getting one built and in place, but in the meantime it has been a mental and physical hurdle for me that we never even thought much about when went into this surgery last fall. I am feeling guilt and regret and wondering how much of me is what's holding Wyndham back.

Today is my day to fully, 120%, embrace a new outlook, attitude and big dreams. Not for me- but for her! And if she never gets to the point where she is wheelchair-free, well then my dreams will include that too. What I do know is that I can still get Wyndham to stand up and even as I provide support and stability, we can still dance together. This morning I held her up next to her bed and we danced a couple of measures- even with no music playing. So therein lies my hope and contentment today. I know that whatever happens we can still dance- even with no music at all. =)

I'm still learning...

Yesterday Chip took Wyndham to get her haircut. She hasn't had it cut in over a year and her hair is really thick and basically has been pulled back in a ponytail for the past several months now. Because of the length of her hair she was able to donate it to "Locks of Love". She seems to understand that she did a good thing and you can see by her smile that she is happy with her new hairstyle. I think it feels lighter and maybe has helped to lift her spirits a bit too.
What I learn from Wyndham over and over again is that disabilities don't have to define a person. She has been proof of that too many times to count in the past 10 years. As I think back through all of the challenges she has had to overcome and still faces, it's humbling. It's humbling because while she does have sad and down times she still manages to bring smiles to those of us who spend our lives with her and she even helps others too!
Too often I, and so many others, can make our problems bigger and make them everyone else's problems too, just by holding onto the hurt. Wyndham is teaching me that you need to just let it go. The way to freedom from whatever one's disability- whether it's physical or mental or any kind of disability- is that you don't need to let it hold you back. She certainly doesn't like not being able to walk or talk, but those things don't change her heart. She has a way of loving and giving and making life brighter for people around her in spite of all the things that make it tough for her to do so.
I'm learning lessons from her that aren't taught in life- but lived in life. She makes me want to be better. She makes my life better just by being in it. And that's an amazing thing for anyone to do. I hope her life in some way challenges you too. Or simply adds a smile to your day. That's what she would want to share with you if she could. Here's to brightening the world today in some way today- no matter how big or small it may be!

She's happiest when...

Guess who spends most of her time sitting in a wheelchair, but got outside to go sledding for a few minutes today? Yep, that's Wyndham! We've been getting lots of white, fluffy snow the past few days and Wyndham was watching Chip pulling Crew in the sled and he was all smiles. I asked her if that looked like fun and if she wanted a turn too. She got a huge grin on her face. She didn't even have to say "yes". I just knew we had to make it happen for her.

Sometimes she thinks things look fun that the other kids around her are doing, but she herself is hesitant or not interested in actually doing it herself. So I asked her a few more times as she continued to watch Crew and she did nod her head as she kept grinning.

Bundling up a 10 year old girl who can't help all that much in getting her snow clothes on was a bit tricky. Getting her out the door and into the sled waiting for her outside was tricky too. But I was happy to help make it happen, and so was Chip. Our driveway is fairly steep and Chip said she laughed outloud everytime they made it to the bottom.

She even had hot chocolate when she came inside. =)

The other pictures here are of Wyndham on her cooking night with Daddy. They made some asian-style beef stirfry and she was able to stand next to the pot and stir the sauce for a minute- which she felt so grown up doing. You also see some homemade macaroni and cheese {which the kids all ate well} and a whole-grain chocolate banana cream pie too. We've been sticking to our non-processed food diet for the majority of our meals and as you can see we're eating well. Our house usually smells great and feels warm because of the extra heat coming from the oven these days. It's been fun to try lots of new recipes too!

While Wyndham is still almost full-time in her wheelchair since her surgery back in September, we're always so glad to see her wanting to jump in and do something that the other kids are doing. She is often so content to just sit back and watch or just find something else to do. But when her eyes light up and a grin spreads across her face, we can't help but sense her happiness and her desire to be as much like the rest of her siblings, even though she has limitations. Her little outing in the sled today reminded me that sometimes we need to just go for it. I hold back and don't jump into as much fun as I should sometimes because it's just so much easier to look on or make excuses of which I am queen.

Witnessing Wyndham's joy in the littlest things like cooking and sledding has inspired me all over again today. I hope you feel a bit inspired by her little {major!} triumphs too. I know I look forward to finding happiness in some unusual and unexpected ways this year!

Celebrating Wyndham's Birthday!

Today our family is celebrating Wyndham's 10th birthday! We kept it simple- as we do most things around here and that meant Crew was helping me bake a chocolate cake at 9 am this morning. The only kind of chocolate cake I liked when I was a girl was my mom's Wacky Cake recipe. So when Wyndham signed that she wanted "Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting" to me when I asked her about her birthday cake I knew I was going to make her a cake from scratch.

She deserves the real deal!

It's hard to believe that she is actually 10 years old. I still remember everything about the day she was born- and a whole lot of the events that have transpired over her decade of life too. Teagan was so proud to be a big sister again and she and Chip decided on the name Wyndham. Weighing in at only 4 lbs. 6 oz. and yet being full-term, we should have known Wyndham was extraordinary from the very start.

She has been through more ups and downs than any of the rest of us in this family and yet she has a smile on her face so often and a glimmer in her eye that only fades usually only during her extreme medical challenges.

I have cried out to God to spare her life more than once. I have also wondered why God has allowed so much suffering her life so many times too. Too many times to count. And still God gives her grace for all she goes through. And some of it rubs off of her onto the rest of us and we feel strength and grace from God through her.

That's pretty amazing for a little girl who can't walk or talk right now and just turned 10.

She is very special and loved by all of us who are lucky enough to be her family. She is loved by a lot of friends and family near and far too.

As rough as she's had it, I have this feeling that if she could talk she would tell you that she feels like a lucky girl more often than not.

We're really hoping that she starts gaining more strength to be able to walk again soon. The fact that she has overcome so much in the past 10 years makes me believe in her for this current challenge and for future ones too.

Happy Birthday, dear Wyndham!

You are so loved and we hope you enjoyed your simple birthday party with us today. Love, Your Family

Faltering.

This is one of those posts. The kind where I just lay it all out there- the stuff that's been heavy on my heart and mind for the past week. The photo above is of Wyndham's feet. She has traded her pink casts in for these ankle-foot orthotics {otherwise known as afo's}. I will use the term afo's in the future, just so you know what that means. Wyndham has worn afo's in the past, but never before have they been so big, bulky, thick or as unflexible as these. She is required to be in them 24/7- only having them removed for showering. They are basically keeping her foot in alignment and giving her feet high arch support. When we asked how long she will be wearing these at her doctor appointment a week ago we were told likely indefinitely, but at least 6-12 months. There could be revisions done for growth or other needs along the way, but this is it- these are the supports Wyndham has to learn to walk right now.
Needless to say, Chip and I left very disheartened for Wyndham after all her patience with her casts the past 2 months. She has been about as easy-going as we could ever expect her to be given her circumstances. I have nothing but admiration for her attitude through this whole experience.
Which is in part why it is hard to see what has to go through now. I will be totally honest here. I have been mad, angry, discouraged, frustrated, immature, unreasonable, stressed out, and a whole host of other not-so-nice things as a result of this surgery and recovery the past 2 months. I ended up pouring out a lot of my feelings in a letter to my sister last week and here's just a portion of that- because it was raw and real and part of me still feels this way. Here is, in part, what I had to say:

I am tired of facing each day knowing it brings more struggles and no matter how hard I try to look for it or create the joy just seems to have vanished from life. That's the truth of where I am at right now. The day before Thanksgiving.
I feel like the most pathetic person on earth. The bitterness that is taking root in my heart seems like the only thing that's thriving in life right now. I don't feel like 'fighting' for something better anymore. I really hope you can pray for me because I'm not sure I know what to say or if the prayers of my heart can even be answered right now.
Wyndham was fitted yesterday for some ankle-foot orthotics that are hard plastic and go from the whole bottom of her foot up to her mid-calf. Now after 2 months in casts she's supposed to relearn to walk in them and wear them 24/7 for 6 months to a year or more. That means she will be in knee socks and tennis shoes and even sleeping in socks and these supports... and that is where my anger and frustrations lie right now. All I can think is this-UNFAIR! I am already thinking of how she can't go to the beach and put her feet in the sand. I am thinking of how hard it will be to not bend her foot as she attempts to walk. I am thinking of how much she has had to take in this life and now, instead of some sort of reward for her patience and endurance, she is getting dumped on once again. I admit it, I am angry for her. I know she will overcome the obstacles placed before her but I am disgusted and down-trodden that this has become her lot in life. I am tired of seeing her rise to the occasion only to get knocked down time and time again.I t just doesn't seem fair.
I am tired of having to support her and watch her struggle. I wish I could just take on all her pain and challenges and make them my own. It hurts me so deeply to see her never able to reach her full potential because of the path her life has been forced to take.I am sorry to say when I look in the mirror of my life I don't like a whole lot of any of it right now. I know I have been optimistic and hopeful for a long, long time, but I feel like I've finally had enough. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'll admit it, I am struggling with what I am feeling inside right now. I know there are blessings in my life and things could always be worse. I do have a pocket of gratitude in my heart somewhere, but honestly I don't feel like wearing it right now. The hurt of everything in my life over nearly the past 10 years has surfaced all at once the past 2 months and I am ready to sit and wallow in that hurt. Wyndham's daily struggles have become, dare I say, a 'visual reminder' of the pain I feel from Teagan's death and a constant roadblock to experiencing happiness.
Wow.
That's a lot for me to unload all at once.
What are your therapy fees?! =)
I know you can't change a thing for me- for Wyndham- for all of us, but I do appreciate that you would listen and care. I hope life starts proving me wrong and I hope that some glimmer of goodness starts glowing in life again too. I don't know how or why we've been dealt this hand that we've been given. But I do want to find my place back to believing that it's worth the struggle and to keep pressing on. Thanks for being in my corner when I need you. Thanks for praying our family through yet again. I hope you have many reasons to give thanks this year.
I'll look around and try to find my rose-colored glasses for tomorrow.
And if for some reason I find them, I might just start wearing them like Wyndham has to wear her afo's... 24/7.

* * * * *
I have been thinking so much about life's pain and hurt and challenges and I'll admit another thing. Sometimes I wish our "suffering" didn't have a name. Meaning, I get frustrated knowing that there is a person responsible for what Wyndham has to go through and has gone through for almost her whole life. I have been dealing with anger inside knowing that Wyndham's life challenges will follow her all her days, while the one responsible for her disablilities will walk away from her 'sentence next summer'. That reality has been dragging me down and while I still believe in my heart that forgiveness has been given and claimed in this situation, I am having to remind myself of that day after day. It's not an easy thing and I feel like my faith is sort of being chipped away at a little bit more with each new challenge our family has had to take on. Sometimes I think it would be 'easier' if all this just happened randomly- or accidentally- rather than intentionally, and that is proving yet another challenge to my faith.
So while Wyndham is still in her wheelchair all day long and has yet to take a step, I feel like I am the one with my feet bound and the one needing to learn to walk all over again.
Our family continues to be so encouraged by many of you who email and send notes on FB and pray for all we have gone through and continue to go through. We did have a very nice Thanksgiving with Chip's parents here with us. We DO have much to be thankful for and I am trying hard to not look too far into the future, but instead just focus on what the needs are in front of us one day at a time. I know that Wyndham has the fight in her to get back on her feet and walk again... I just feel like I'm not her best support system anymore and she deserves nothing less than the best right now. So, please feel free to keep praying her through this and to pray that I will find a way to lift my eyes and heart up even though it's an enormous task to look on and cheer her forward.
I am hoping to falter less and to triumph more.
And should I fail and stumble and fall, I am grateful to my family, friends, and God for giving me another chance to get back up. I've never claimed to be a superhero, or even a person of superfaith. It's in these times of trials that that is so evident to me. I am nothing on my own and I would have fallen apart by now. But thankfully God is rich in mercy and strength and He continues to hold me up and see us through. If anything good can come from Wyndham's suffering, it is this: it makes me believe more and more in God and His ways. Even when I can't see one step in front of me. I am humbled to know God has it all in His control.

Just in time for Thanksgiving...

It's been a long two months- for her and for us. If all goes well, Wyndham should have her casts off tomorrow! The next phase is for her to be fitted for some ankle-foot orthodics and she will wear them for an indefinite length of time. But the good news is she will be able to start bearing weight on her feet again.

We're hoping she will have minimal pain and that she will find it a relatively easy adjustment to relearn balance and get back on her feet again. As always, we appreciate your thoughts and prayers for Wyndham- as this time around she literally takes the next step! Just in time for us to have something to truly be thankful for at this time of year!

I might even be on top of my game to take a Flip video of her first steps when she takes them. If that happens, you can be sure I'll post it here. As any proud mom would do. =)

Thanks for helping to see us through the past couple of months and caring as much as you do. We are more than ready to put this tough phase of our lives behind us. It's much more exciting to look ahead than down and let me tell you, we're so ready to see Wyndham on her feet again. She's had enough 'computer/table time' for this year! =)

She makes it look easy.

What a whirlwind couple of weeks it has been for my family this October. There has been so much going on- good, bad and in between, that I haven't had a moment to catch up here at Nitty.Gritty. I also find that being home around so many family members made it 'less urgent' for me to post, since we were sort of living out what I might otherwise blog home to them about. So that's the explanation I have for not updating here.

We packed our whole family of 8 into an RV and took a 12+ hour roadtrip across 5 states to be with all of my family and friends to remember our dear Grandma Shirley as she passed away October 17th. It was a bittersweet time for many of us as we have such fond memories of sharing life with her. They say there are two types of people in this world- givers and takers. She was a GIVER through and through- always giving joy, love, happiness, a word of encouragment or sharing a meal made by her hands and heart. She will be missed and remembered by so many and I am grateful I had the chance to be home in Minnesota to take part in celebrating who she was and always will be. As my great-uncle John said, "Shirley was a true love machine". I was lucky to know that, feel it from her firsthand, and hopefully take some of that with me and turn it around to pour out to others as I walk through life too.

That top photo is a picture of me with my family- my parents and my four siblings. We haven't taken a picture together like this in years. Being together was special- but after driving all those hours home with our youngsters, Chip and I vow not to do that again for a long, long while.

And I'm not kidding.

AT about the 8 hour mark each way we were ready to have the trip be over. Especially Crew strapped into his carseat and screaming to let us know he had had it. Not fun in Chicago rush-hour traffic. Or anywhere for that matter. And at that 8 hour mark you realize you are only two-thirds of the way to your destination. It starts to feel like a terrible mistake to be traveling; but somehow we made it there and back. The kids LOVED spending time with their cousins and catching up on the fun they've missed out on the past couple of years. There were lots of fun and games and laughter and screaming (especially from Wyndham when Grandma Genie pushed her wheelchair while running through the halls of the building where we stayed!) and there was lots of crying, yelling and 'drama' too. I won't even go into all of that but you can just be thankful along with me that we didn't have to have surgery to try to reattach Crew's fingers. That's all I'm going to say about that- we're all still traumatized from that elevator incident! Eeeks!

Okay.

Now for an update on Wyndham. Today marks 4 weeks since she had her double-foot surgery. It has felt like a long, long time for us, so I can only imagine how long it has felt for her. She can only sit in her wheelchair, or lay on the couch or her bed. Oh yeah, she has a special toilet seat to sit on once in awhile too. Yesterday she saw her surgeon for some x-rays and was re-cast as part of the ongoing recovery process. This time around she picked pink casts. I think she was actually starting to tire of seeing those bright orange ones and just wanted a little change in scenery. You can see she was checking them out this morning and then gave me a thumb's up too. What a steadfast spirit she has about her. I could learn a thing or two from her about patience and perseverance. I wish a lot of times I could be more like her. Look at the smiles on her face as she does her coloring pages. That's how she is most of the time.

We keep trying to make things "fun" for her as she's healing, but she's the one that smiles through the pain and monotony of her situation. We bring stuff to her- like the dollhouse that normally sits on the floor, and she also loves to spend time doing the paint application on the computer. She's very good at it and can start the program all on her own. She inspires me everyday; she makes it look easy!

Just before we wnt to Minnesota one night I was needing a chocolate fix of some sort, so I quick whipped up a chocolate cake mix. Instead of just pouring it into a 9x13 pan I poured it into the giant cupcake pan and decided to frost it and let Wyndham blow out 2 candles in "celebration" of surviving 2 weeks with her casts on. It was sort of a way for us to turn a bad situation into something a tiny bit wonderful. Right away when the kids saw the cake they wanted to know who's birthday it was. =) I told them it wasn't for a birthday, but instead it was for letting Wyndham know how proud we are of the way she is handling having to wear double-casts right now. They were so excited to see her blow out candles and celebrate something like being home from the hospital. It has been rough for us as a couple (I could write a short book on that!) and as a family, and I know it has been difficult for Wyndham too. She doesn't smile all the time and sure wishes she could be doing what she used to be doing, but at the same time, I am proud that we're all still hanging in there as best as we can do.

That's one of the many gifts I think my Grandma handed down to me and now I occasionally find I pass along too. I told her years ago, after surviving the loss of a child and living through tragedy, that she had made the suffering look "easy" to me and so many people around her through the years. You'd never know it from first meeting my Grandma, because of the smile on her face and the joy in her life, that she had lived a life of trials. She was so good at trusting God and giving all her burdens to Him. I learned from her that you don't have to live a life feeling sorry for yourself. You can move through your sorrows and suffering and she lived her life as an example of that- finding ways to turn her trials into opportunities to experience God's love, mercy and grace.

I feel like I fail more than I thrive when it comes to stepping up to these life challenges. But I hope that even through my failures I will learn that there is reason to keep going. I am so thankful for my Grandma's life, for the love and support of my family, and even the inspiration of Wyndham in her suffering. She makes it look easy and that never ceases to amaze me. I hope to become more like her- and can sense that God is growing patience in me right now too. Not always easy; but it is a good thing.