On the eve of another big day...

I just happened to find a stack of cd's with several hundred "old" family photos on tonight in the middle of some of our 'stuff' around the house. I put the disc in my laptop and couldn't believe some of the pictures I found. Many of them I didn't remember even taking- those are so fun to come across, because it's like you get a little treasure from the past you didn't even know you had kept. Remember my previous post... what can I do with or without? I am glad I am obsessive about taking photos. I especially love digital ones because although the discs and files take up space, they don't really take up much room in the overall scheme of things. And like I said, it's a treat to come across them and I am sure will just become more "valuable" with age.

Tomorrow is Wyndham's birthday. She is excited to be having Grandma and Grandpa at our house to celebrate her and have a special meal and of course, a special cake for her too! When I saw some of the photos of her- {these are of her at age 4 1/2} the emotions in me were all over the place. I can't believe how tiny she was! I can't believe she was still "walking on her knees or tall-walking" as her therapists called it. I can't believe she was so happy to be learning to use a walker and be gaining a little bit of muscle tone finally.

I just love her smile and how she was so eager to try new things and push herself hard in order to be as much like the other kids in the family as she could. I love that she doesn't look like she has a single major issue in those smiling pictures. Even though the fact is she couldn't walk, talk, go on the potty, ride a tricycle, spin and dance or do lots of other things that little 4-year old girls typically get to do.

On this eve of her eleventh birthday I am still amazed at so many things about her. Amazed in truly mixed emotional ways. I love that she has rose to challenges time and time again- almost her whole life long. I am awed that she has surprised us by accomplishing so many things. But I would not be telling the whole truth if I didn't say it breaks my heart a bit too, just knowing that even after all her efforts and wanting and working toward being "just as able" as most other kids, that she still can't walk or talk or go potty by herself or ride a bike or dance and sing whenever her heart desires. As her mom I have always wanted her to be able to reach impossible dreams. The reality is that at age almost 11, her dreams have had to shift and change and sometimes the acceptance of her reality has become my bigget challenge. Not hers.

But rather than be sad and dwell on the things she can't do, these pictures reminded me tonight of all she has overcome and how even when she's had to resign herself to the fact that she'll never talk or do lots of things other kids do, she still has a sparkle in her eye, a joy in her heart, a silly sense of humor and she is loved in ways many people will never have the privilege of knowing. She is a remarkable little girl and I just had this glimpse in my mind that I can imagine must have come straight from above tonight.

I was letting my heart just soak it all in- the day she came into this world and how Teagan was such a proud, big sister and how Brock was unimpressed and very much a typical 2-year old at that first hospital visit. He cared more about getting to drink out of my can of pop sitting on my hospital tray than he did about wanting a turn holding Wyndham. I was so happy to be a mom fo three and was so thrilled to imagine Teagan and Wyndham being the kind of best friend and sisters I hoped and dreamed they would be. And then I paused and flash-forwarded through the unimaginable and landed on this birthday eve.

I was sitting in my thoughts just thanking God for bringing Wyndham and us so far together. Through things I never imagined going through on that special birth day- January 4th, 2001. I was feeling that tightness I get in my throat when I hurt from the past when all of a sudden the glimpse came to me. And then it grew from a glimpse to an 'oh my goodness I wonder what it WILL be like' picture in my mind. That picture was one where someday- I don't know when- I will "see" the picture clearly in Heaven and Wyndham will be dancing. And singing. And running and laughing and twirling and doing all the things I wished she could do so many times... and she'll be doing them effortlessly. With great JOY! She will be more than I ever imagined or dreamed she could be. In my limited mind and imagination here on earth I can only compare it to how an Olympic Gold medalist might feel. Or how a musician feels when they hit the perfect pitch at their highest, loudest note in the song. Or how the poet feels when they pen the most eloquent poem and read it aloud only to bring tears and hushed sounds to the crowd listening on. Or how an astronaut feels as they look down to earth from miles and miles away- all the years of studying and the physical intensity it demands to be floating in air...well, you can see. I was given this amazing picture of how Wyndham might be in Heaven one day.

To think that we have had to walk a rough road with her and feel fatigue and heartache and emotional and mental and physical pain from the added demands of her life challenges- and yet to realize that it all is just a small thing to guide her, care for her and help her along the way to her ultimate healing and her hope of eternity. She will dance one day. She will shout praises to God with a clear and mighty voice. She will be the perfect creation God has intended her to be! I am sure the moms of Olympians would say over and over and over again that when their child stood on the highest podium and held up their gold medal that all the sacrifices and hardships they endured through the years of training, didn't matter one bit at that moment. The sweat and tears and pain it took to get to that point simply melt away and are replaced by the roar of the crowd. The music plays and as their child stands proudly for the whole world to see any parent would say that nothing compares to such a moment in time.

Well, I can tell you from my own little corner of the world, I believe with all my heart that Wyndham's moment in "time" (which will actually last for all eternity!) is more than going to make up for anything we/she has endured down here. It gives me such a peace and I know I need to focus more on what's coming as we continue to cheer her on every single day. I am proud to be her Mom. I am proud of her spirit and how she puts her best foot forward even when it hurts. I am so happy to be celebrating her life for another year tomorrow. As tough as it's been... there has been a lot to smile about. And I know more is yet to come.

With or without.

It is the start of yet another year. How 365 days seem to speed up and turn into a new year faster than the year before is the biggest surprise to me right now. I wonder if that keeps happening year after year, or if at some point it goes back to feeling a little slower-paced. Time will tell, I suppose.
So here we are- in 2012 and all it's freshness and possibility. Yes, I am in a new place back in my "home" state and feeling as though there are almost too many things starting over for me and my family all at once. From new schools, to trying to learn our way around a new grocery store, to setting up rooms and looking forward to meeting and making new friends. It's so much at once. If you know me in person you know I don't like change all that much. Sure, I love when Starbuck's offers a few new flavors on their latte menu. I like it when I get new shoes and they fit just right. I like watching my kids learn new things and try new foods. But beyond some of those things, I like things predictable and comfortable. Tried and true. I like knowing what to expect and when to expect it. I'm not nearly as adventurous as I look. =)
Right now, when I open the door to our garage, all I see is boxes and stuff stacked on top of more stuff. So much stuff that I feel practically overwhelmed with the task of finding things I still need and would like to use {or wear} right now. It's not for lack of space that our stuff is still piled high at this point. But more because, well one reason is that 6 out of 8 of us ended up with the flu bug the past few days. That did little to help the cause of getting us more settled in this place. It did give our washer and dryer a major workout. But I could have done without that right now. =)
It's more about me realizing in a big, big way that, while I knew we had too much "stuff", it was easy to just live without that knowledge and just let the closets get more and more filled at our last place. {Which, we are hoping will land some buyers as soon as possible. If you know anyone who wants a great family home near Muskegon, MI, send them this link. I'll send you some cupcakes as a return favor!}
So, as I was typing, in our last home I knew we had more than we needed. I had wanted to clean and have garage sales and donate nice things and give stuff away more times than I did. I knew the closets and shelves were filling up with all sorts of things. What I didn't realize is how much effort it takes to go through all of that stuff and sort it to try to decide what we need, what we want, what will be worth holding onto, and what we should simply let go of and be better off in so doing.
It's a big job to have a garage filled to the brim and have to determine what stays and what goes. Losing Teagan has made me hold onto things I might otherwise never have wanted to keep. Haveing kids from 16 months to almost 13 years old also makes for having a lot of stuff. There are games and toys and bikes and beds spanning all those years. That's a lot of gear to have to store and yet we use most of it too.
So as this year kicks off I am finding that I need to keep it as simple as I can. I am working on sorting through boxes of stuff and asking simply of each thing, "Can we do without this? Or do we need this?" I hope that I can actually make a dent in at least one small corner by the end of this week. Big jobs need to be scaled down, so I am hoping to not lose heart and just take it one box at a time.
I hope that come next year I will have learned that a life lived simply and with a whole lot less stuff can be just as satisfying and even more rewarding and fulfilling as the life where I filled up all the spaces I could. Wish me luck and I am crossing my fingers that we can stay healthy for awhile too. The flu bug is one thing I have determined I could definitely live without!
Happy New Year to everyone of you who reads and prays and laughs at us and with us each step of the way that I share here with you. I hope you have a year of learning, growing, whittling down and living more intentionally. May each of us become better in at least one small way!

Our new adventure has begun.

Merry day after Christmas and hello again to anyone who still drops by here to keep tabs on me and my family! We are settling in to the home you see pictured above, in Minnesota. There is no snow on the ground- which is nearly unheard of this time of year- and we are renters at the moment, hoping and praying our home back in Michigan will sell soon.

It has been a very long 5 weeks of packing and driving and unpacking and saying goodbyes and hellos and throwing in some celebrations for Christmas all at the same time. The good news is that I think the worst is over. The bad news is there is still a 3-car garage filled with boxes for us to sort and go through as we make this new place our home for now. The kids are all doing very well. They are excited to be in a new neighborhood; they love their new rooms and the layout of this house; and we are within an hour driving distance to my parents and many of our cousins too. So although it has been an intense (to say the least!!) month to get to this point, we are thankful that God has opened the door for us to be where we are and we are anxious to have this feel like home.

We will miss so many friends back in Michigan and are thankful for internet and ways to stay in touch so that it doesn't feel like there are that many miles between us all. We have lots to do- including getting the kids enrolled in school, setting Wyndham up with doctors and therapists, and even re-taking the MN road test in order to get proper licenses for this state. It seems like a never-ending list of things to do, but we are happy that so far we have stayed healthy and even had some moments of fun in between the major moments of stress during this major move. I look forward to being back to blogging and I hope the posts are not so few and far between.

I hope you had a very Merry Christmas. From me and my Nitty.Gritty. family, we wish you the very best in the coming New Year too!

Standard of measurment~

{Click for larger photos, if you like.}
I have to tell you something about me. Maybe some of you know it already. Maybe some of you have seen this particular issue I struggle with in person. Maybe some of you struggle with the same thing.
It's that little thing called self-image.
You know... the way we see ourselves.
Well, the truth is I don't always have a nice picture of myself in my head. I don't always feel inside like the person others sometimes see on the outside.
I honestly can pinpoint certain times in my life and events that really shaped- or should I say 'mis-shaped' the person I am.
It certainly didn't come from my parents. Or my extended family or even close friends. Nope. Those people have loved me for who I am and have been for my whole life. My parents always made me feel that I was unique, important and most assuredly let me know they loved me and God loved me. From the earliest age I have memories I already knew I was loved.
I was even likable and funny most of my school years.
But in middle school I most remember not liking myself. I was a great student. I was a class clown in a lot of my classes. But I was slightly chubby for my height. I was almost always the shortest kid in my classes and certainly felt "bigger" than a lot of the pretty girls I went to school and church with. My older sister was always- ALWAYS- taller and thinner than me. Even if I went on more walks than her.
It was hard not to compare myself to other kids around me...and you know what? It sometimes still is hard for me to not compare myself to others. Thankfully I have grown up a lot, matured a little bit (what? I have!), and learned to love me for who I am. All grown up.
But there are lots of areas besides my weight, height and hair color that I can compare myself to others- things like how big my house is; are my kids happy like other kids? Do my spouse and me have as much time or fun or happiness as other married friends do? And the list goes on and on.
We live in a world that loves to compare and contrast. It loves to measure people by monetary standards, and happiness standards and success standards and... I think you know. If someone can measure or compare it, it happens. Whether consciously or subconsciously. We stack our stuff- our bodies and looks and pocketbooks and families and divorce rates and home values and whatever we have or are gets put on some sort of scale.
I sometimes feel overwhelmed as a mom of 6 kids at home, that I have to shield my young kids, or at least be responsible for the pressures they feel or will feel to "measure up" in this world. I sometimes feel a weight on my shoulders that I know I can never be big enough to lift. I just don't have enough power or ability to keep the messages and comparisons that inevitably will come their way at bay. The media is a big source for many of us for setting our measurement "standards". It's why advertising does or doesn't work that well.
Where am I going with all of this anyway? I'm not 100% sure, but I will say this...I think it's a big deal and I really wish it wasn't. I will say that I have gotten much better and more realistic about my standards of measurements over the past several years too. I feel very lucky and blessed to be married to a husband who loves me at size 6 just as much as size 16. He loves me when I make waffles too many nights a week for dinner just as much as when I make Greek Spaghetti. I am lucky to have been raised and loved by family, friends and to know that God sees me as lovable and worthy ALL THE TIME.
I feel lucky and blessed that I don't have to wonder about my self worth. I know nothing can make me a better person- things like plastic surgery or a new pair of shoes or owning the biggest diamond with the highest degree of clarity. I know that "stuff" can't change who I am and should never be the standard for which I try to measure up.
I guess I am pouring out my heart on the subject because sometimes it seems like we need reminders in life about these sorts of things. I am writing to remind myself. I am writing because as Thanksgiving approaches I want to be conscious and grateful of things that truly ARE blessings in life. And not just making a check-list of things I am grateful to have. I don't want to create a spreadsheet to document the things that society seems to want us to measure our worth by.
These thoughts come in large part to our upcoming move and all the details that we are working on right now. Things like de-cluttering and looking at our next house and the schools our kids will go to and just being mindful that even though I don't cook the best meals, or keep the neatest house, or even have nice family photos taken with just the right amount of natural sunlight and flare in them doesn't add or take away any of my worth or the worth of anyone around me.
I want to look at myself and like me for me. No.
I want to love me for me. For those scars I blogged a few posts ago. For the trials that I have endured and yet somehow have still managed to find ways to smile and love in life again. I want the people around me to know the real me. And love that paerson too. Not just the one they see with make-up on and seems to have it all together. I want my kids to know I love them- no matter their test scores or if they can even walk a flight of stairs or use the potty by themself. I want them to know that our standard of measurements are different than the ones they will likely encounter in the world. I want everyone to know that God loves each of us- not because we are perfect- but because we are imperfect and we recognize we need Him in order to be complete.
Whatever it is that you feel inadequate about today, I hope that you will pause and take a look in the "right mirror" and see if maybe you are judging to harshly. I am ready and feel like I am on a path of feeling more free, more happy and more ready to let go of needing to measure up. In lots of areas of my life. I'll never be the tallest or prettiest or smartest or richest or lots of other things. But I know that I can still be the best me I was made to be.

Straight out of a book.

Sometimes its like life comes straight out of a book at my house. Yesterday it looked like this- the Oh, David! baby board book. We keep child-proof latches on our cupboards because of the age and stage Teague is at in life. The stage where everything in life is pretty much a science experiment and nothing has yet been discovered. His curious nature and lack of fear make for one busy little guy with a whole big world and endless opportunities to learn how things work. He is at the stage where everyday he wants a little bit more independence and feels fully capable of doing things all on his own. Even if they are out of reach, out of the question, or out of line. He doesn't care. If he can find a way, he is happy to do so.
So after he had already eaten breakfast, he was happy playing and discovering things in the living room. I was around the corner straightening my bedroom. The three older kids were all home from school due to parent-teacher conferences. It seemed as though the morning was off to a nice, leaisure start.
And then I heard a crinkle and a crumple and the sound of little bitty pieces on the wood floor. I took a few steps out into the kitchen and found Teague holding the Yogurt Cheerios with a twinkle in his eye at the same time. He seemed rather proud that he had discovered the latch undone on the cupboard that is 99% of the time latched shut. It was like hitting the toddler lottery. A couple of the kids came running to see what the noise had been...and they stopped dead in their tacks. Then they looked from him to me. I proceeded to say, "Uh-oh, Teague." Then I went and got my phone and snapped a few photos of the mess. By that time Teague was already squatting down and in true kid-fashion, he was picking out the pink yogurt-covered ones and eating them as though this is how we always eat our Cheerios. Off of the floor.
Crew came over and joined the fun and Ava helped me sweep and clean up. Brock wanted to know how it was that I was "staying so cool about it".
I told him that sometimes moms are better about being moms than other times. Teague had dumped out the cereal on a good day. =) But truthfully, I said, there was a time in my life when Daddy and me had sat in a house that had just a couple of weeks earlier been noisy, chaotic, a little bit stressful and had Cheerios and toys all over the floor that felt like a never-ending task of cleaning. But suddenly we were sitting there looking at each other hearing nothing but my quiet sobs and wishing upon every wish of our hearts that someone would come bounding into the room making too much noise and spilling Cheerios on the floor.
Here I was. More than 10 years after having such a wish on my heart and it was happening exactly the way I remember wishing it would. Only instead of Teagan, Brock or Wyndham spilling the cereal, it was my little Teague. My healthy, thriving, trouble-making, mess-making, lovable Teague.
I absolutely mess up more times than I can count as a mom. Every single day. But I also know that I absolutely appreciate the messes that do happen and the memories they trigger and the reminders that come to surface in the midst of the mess. They are moments to recognize that messes can be cleaned up, kids are learning and in the end, Cheerios on the floor are still a part of my life. And I wouldn't want it any other way.
Even when they are scattered all over the floor.
Sometimes my life looks like it could be straight out of a book. It doesn't look much like a fairytale, but the storyline and characters fill my heart. They keep my hands busy too. I feel blessed that sometimes I do keep my cool and just take in the moment. I will wish this one back someday too. Teague went on to re-enact a few other pages out of this board book later on in our day. I just kept my cool. It was a good book day all-around. =)

It's going to be a major move...

Hello to so many new friends and readers coming here from Casey's blog. I am so encouraged and grateful for the notes you have sent me and how many of you have been touched by the story of Teagan that she shared with you. Thanks so much for stopping by and I hope that you know in "real life" we are a fairly typical family with lots of ordinary days and activities just like you. We are sometimes awed how God uses our shortcomings and failures and even trials and tough times to make Himself more known to us and others through us. We definitely lean on Him and look to Him for guidance and so far we have had quite a ride in life.
It's about to take us a bit west again...all the way "home" to Minnesota from our current home here in west Michigan. Chip was recently offered and just accepted a position at Northfield Golf Club, so we will be packing everything here and moving 8 of us and all that stuff to where the orange arrow is pointing. We are so excited to be moving closer to so many of our family and friends again, although we have made some wonderful friends and been very loved and supported here in Michigan. We will miss all our friends here, but we know that God is opening this door for us and we are anxious to see how life is going to look for us in a new place. All this will happen by Christmas, so let's just say we have a lot of work to do between now and then. I probably should be packing something right now! =)
Anyway, if any of you readers- old or new- are in the area, I just might have to have a real life Nitty.Gritty. chat session to see who you all are once everything gets settled and I find a couple of hours of free time. That would be so much fun! As you must know then, this blog may get even more quiet than normal, and if that's the case you'll know I am buried under bozes somewhere, or trying to empty them out. I love the idea of decluttering and starting fresh in a new home again...but honestly, I could very well do without the hassle of packing. Wish me luck. Wish all of us luck and I bet I will have a few good stories to share with you all soon!

Remembering scars as we face an unknown future...

None of us knows what the future holds. We can plan, we can prepare, we can take control of our finances and set aside time and energy for tasks we have to accomplish and we can set goals and pour all of our energy into reaching them and making them our reality. But the fact remains that none of us knows what the next moment, hour, day, week or year holds for us. Sometimes we are heading down one path when life suddenly takes us on a u-turn. Sometimes we feel like we have it planned out perfectly, and then life throws us the unexpected.

I have been thinking and praying for a young woman I've never met for a month now. October 1st, 2011 was the date that Samantha and her fiance, Chad, had chosen and dreamed and prepared for and been excited about for months. Tragically, less than 36 hours before their wedding day arrived, Chad along with Samantha's brother who was to be a groomsman in their wedding, were killed when the best man lost control of the SUV they were riding in and the vehicle crashed. I learned of this tragedy because Chip's golf club was to be the reception site for their wedding celebration. The families and communities were stunned and filled with sorrow at such a tragic event. I could only imagine how Samantha felt then, and now- one month later.

The dress that she so carefully selected and had fitted, I imagine just hung there bringing more tears as she looked at in light of her pain. Rather than be the dress of her dreams, it now represents shattered dreams and probably brings a flood of tears at a simple glance of it.

I have prayed and prayed for God to pour out His peace and comfort and mercy at this time when no person, no thing, no act can bring a comfort to her hurting heart and the hearts of the family and friends that surround her.

They are broken, grieving, scarred and hurting.

It got me thinking about the time in our lives when we too felt such sorrow, sadness and pain in our lives. I pulled out the above picture of Chip, which was taken about a week after our inital tragedy at the Old Depot- this was August 2001- the place was Hurley Hospital, Flint, Michigan. I had never seen Chip so wounded and scarred before. Just days earlier we were a happy, thriving family of 5 with a big, bright future ahead of us. We had no plans to be side-tracked by death, fractured ribs, brain injuries, internal trauma, muscle and nerve damage and hearts that would hold their own wounds from sorrow and loss.

Our life took a u-turn and we found ourselves in a world we never imagined or dreamed.

* * * * *

In my morning devotional today I read {and shared on my FB status} these words:

"It is God's presence that gives us true comfort, not the absence of affliction". There is such power and truth in that statement. Read it through once more, and let it sink in.

Do you believe that?

If you don't, do you believe that it could be true in your life somehow- sometime?

It can.

I am actually grateful to have the few photos that my mom snapped while we were "at our worst" physically and emotionally from our time in ICU. Seeing the pictures and scars and how tremendous our injuries were gives me a reality check. When I think back to this time in our lives I can still remember how much it "hurt". In every sense of the word. I have never felt more pain than during that time of our lives. But during those same long days and sleepless, painful nights and all the healing that had to take place to even be functional again, we both felt an overwhelming peace and comfort in our hearts that we had never experienced before. We never felt it when life was going splendid.

We felt it when our hearts and bodies were torn and we literally had our lives shattered by pain and grief.

God was there.

He never let us go.

In fact, He helped carry us when we had no strength of our own to keep us going. He held us together when we felt like falling apart and giving up. He poured out His mercy in our lives as we needed to draw on Him to be able to extend grace and forgiveness to the one who had brought us so much pain. He gave us Hope for our future and even laid it on my heart to want joy in life again.

I clicked through and pulled out a few pictures of how we look now. Our scars have healed quite nicely, with the exception of Wyndham's disabilities and ongoing needs. We have added 4 kids to our family since our tragedy struck. We have smiled and laughed again. We have known happiness, peace, comfort and joy.

But not because we had some supernatural abilities. But because of His power and strength that helped us move on. We have a future ahead of us that is filled with unknowns and unexpected events yet to come. I know that we can face them with peace and even with excitement, because we have seen the way God has already worked in our lives and we know that He will see us through whatever else may come our way.

I am so glad that God spared Chip's life and Brock's life and Wyndham's life and even my life, because through our scars and pain we have come to understand His healing powers that much more. We have learned firsthand that God doesn't abandon us when our hearts are torn and laid open with grief, but instead, that is the time when He gently picked us up and gave us new eyes to see Him and we felt His embrace like no other. His comfort was real then. I have faith and trust that it will be real as we walk forward too.

He is a God who loves, who protects, who turns mourning into dancing again.

My prayer is for this Samantha, to know this same grace, love, mercy and healing. And maybe one day she will look back or recall shattered, broken dreams- not with heartache and pain- but with the reality that God was big enough and gracious enough to turn it all into something beautiful that she never could have dreamed.

Maybe you are facing a future that scares you or maybe you are recalling a past filled with pain and "scars" of your own. My prayer for you is that you will call out to God and give your hurts and uncertainties to Him. He will never let you down and more likely than not, you will find that His plan blows you away. Our scars may always be with us to a certain degree...but our future is bright always. Because He is our eternity!

My little Superman...

The past couple of nights I have been seemingly more aware than usual of just how big my little Superman is getting. If you could see this guy in action {Crew is recently turned 3} you would know that he is a very intense, funny, energetic- boardering on hyper, lovable boy. He gets his mind made up very easily and there is great challenge is changing his thinking. He wakes up bounding out of bed 9 days out of 10, and still needs to be practically wrestled into a good night's sleep most of the time too.
He has very delayed verbal skills...but "talks" almost non-stop.
He loves to do things himself...but constantly wants to keep up and do things like the "big kids" here at our house.
He eats mostly yogurt, granola, nuts, cereal, toast and fruit...but would be just as happy living on chocolate chips and brown sugar lumps if I allowed it.
He knows all his colors and shapes and the alphabet.
He also knows how to turn on a remote, satellite tv, laptop computers, Angry Birds on cellphones; he can operate the Wii, DSi Nintendo games and the dvd player.
But yet he still isn't fully potty-trained.

He does things his way and in his time. Almost all the time.
It sure makes for some interesting struggles and conversations and interactions among all parties living in our home.
But we love him like crazy and he knows it too.
So in light of all of that and more, as I tucked him in bed the last couple of nights and lay down next to him to whisper and sing and calm him as he fell asleep, I couldn't help but let my heart swell over the fact that he is mine right now. I know it will feel like he has grown up too soon and he'll be finding new love someday down the road.
I pray for his future wife and soul-mate and her family who is lucky to be raising her and feeling her love right now too.
But as he wrapped his little Superman jammie arm around my neck and pulled me closer to him so he could twist his fingers in my hair, it just made me want to soak it in and savor it even more.
I am humbled and feel lucky to be his first love. I am amazed that I get to be the one to feel his arms wrapped around my neck and know that he feels so secure in my arms too. I feel honored that God has allowed me to be one of the people in his life to have to understand his speech, guide and direct his energy and try to help him maneuver his way through the early years of life, growing and learning.
I'll be honest- I go to bed worn out more often than not because of this little guy in my life. But in the moments of quiet and calm and when he races toward me with arms open wide to hug and be hugged in the morning, my heart overflows with a love like no other. I am happy to be the mom to such an amazing little superhero. I will always love the way he has captured. I hope I never forget how it feels to be hugged to sleep by this little superman.

Five days a week this is what it looks like at our house...

Wyndham gets her jacket on and Chip stops home to pick her up to take her to therapy. Teague gets a thrill out of seeing Daddy for a minute, demands a kiss, waves bye-bye and then keeps watch out the window until they are both completely out of sight.

Sometimes it seems like the "scenes" in my life will never change. I've been changing Wyndham's diapers for over 10 years now; that will likely never, ever change. She's had ongoing therapy {speech, physical therapy and occupational therapy, plus now, aqua therapy} ever since being discharged from the hospital in August of 2001. I don't foresee a change in that anytime soon either.

But the smiles she musters- even when she knows she is going to "do her work" and the persistence she has about always trying- even if she doesn't feel like it, those are things I don't think will ever change either. The fact that I get to be the one that she presses her hands against and the shoulders she leans on as she gets ready day after day today felt like a gift all over again. To know that she depends on me and looks to me and expects me to do the things she can't do for herself filled me not with a feeling of burden, or something to dread or feel pitiful about, but rather it feels like maybe this is the very thing I was created for.

Maybe it was Oprah's new show "Lifeclass" that triggered something in me for my heart to see with new eyes- even though I haven't even watched a single show. I've wondered about a "higher calling"- a greater purpose in my routine days for several years now. Today I was overcome with the thought that maybe in searching for something more, it's actually in accepting the way it is that therein lies my 'freedom'- my calling. In being less of me, I am more for someone else. In a small way it is what I think of when I imagine the hands of Mother Teresa as she held the wounded, the broken and the least of these. It was simply her presence that lifted others and made them "something". It was her willingness to sacrifice all that she became "great".

In that same- but obviously I'll never compete with the acts of such a woman- I am realizing that maybe, just maybe my being I am fulfilling more than I could ever know.

My being present.

My being love.

My being patient.

My being content.

My being baking cupcakes.

My being laundry lady.

My being disciplinary.

My being sorry.

My being content rather than seeking more.

My being open to routine, rather than feeling I need to create "splendor".

My being sensitive enough and compassionate enough and forgiving enough and hopeful enough and always willing to do or help or hold or clean or be leaned on. One more time.

Because that creates a safe place, a comfort zone, a reality for the ones who need me that there will always be enough of me for them and there will always be more for me to give when they hurt or want or need advice or feel like they are somehow missing their calling.

Maybe my calling is to be assurance to them. Or reassurance if need be.

Maybe a higher calling isn't as high as some of us are searching for. Maybe it is in being made low enough for others to grasp onto that we find that's exactly where we're made to be.

Today I feel more than I have ever felt in my life before, that my calling isn't something for me to attain, but my calling is to be a servant to others. That they might become more of who they were created to be.

When I pause and think about what an enormous task that is, I realize it is 'higher' than anything I've imagined I could be. Like the rock for someone else to stand on. Or the place for someone to fall and not get hurt. It's overwhleming to think that maybe my life's purpose is simply to help guide and shape the ones God has placed in my life so that they might become the fulfillment of themselves. It seems simple. But wow, let me tell you, the implications are enormous. I bow my head and lift the eyes of my heart and say to God, "Lord grant me what I need to do the task. To be the task. To meet the needs and dreams the way you would have me meet them."

Graciously, I hope and pray.

Happiness is warm laundry on a chilly day...

I took pictures of something I have done lots and lots of times through the years. It's especially wonderful on days like the kind we had today- that start out in the 40's when you wake up and reach only into the low 50's for highs. That's chilly. It feels even cooler because we were spoiled with warmer temperatures than normal this past week. It definitely feels like fall outside now.

So my little laundry fun is well-received on days like today. As soon as a load of clothes is ready to come out of the dryer, I fill the basket and whichever kid(s) happens to be nearby they are treated to some warm laundry smothering. Today Teague was the lucky recipient. He got a blanket and Wyndham's dress wrapped around him and tossed on his head- which he promptly pulled off and laughed about.

I love to do this- and my kids all love it too- when they are just going to bed or have been settled in for a few minutes already. I love it when it's a load of bath towels too- all fluffy and fresh and piping hot. I grab the hot items out of the dryer and sometimes totally surprise them with a pile on their heads as they lay in their beds. Or sometimes I call them to come help me out for a quick minute. And when they show up I put Daddy's lounge pants and t-shirt on their heads. They laugh and scream and pull it off. And they always want more. It can get out of hand in a big hurry when one kid puts underwear on another one's head and the fun factor for that kid drops off suddenly. But the laughter and warmth and fun that comes from a dryer full of warm laundry is one I know they'll remember when they've grown and one I hope they don't outgrow too soon.

It's the little things.

I keep telling myself that.

I know it's not the things I do so right.

But the things I want them to feel good about. It's the things like laughter and seeing that even though you have to do stuff like laundry in life, you still have the choice to make it fun once in awhile. Or more than once in awhile. It's about knowing that seasons change and even with the 'cold' there is opportunity to feel warmth and create a bit of happiness along the way.

I can't help but think I'll always be glad that I let my kids play in the warm laundry and even encouraged it on cold days. Maybe this is why I love the smell of Tide so much...

Don't let this picture fool you...

This is Teague helping me sweep the floor. The fact is he's the one that makes most of the mess around here these days! I can hardly keep up with the Cheerios, dried peas and carrots and other food and toys he leaves behind throughout the day. Yesterday it was the toilet paper streaming across the hallway, living room and entry way as though we had some mini party going on and needed streamers for the occasion. Sometimes it feels like fun for me. Other times I feel like I am fighting a losing battle trying to keep up.
In the end, I pause ad breathe and take it in. Because I have learned life's lesson that this season of his life and mine will be a distant memory before long. So I snap a few pictures and try to take it in. And remind myself that a clean house isn't what I really want in life. I want happy, well-rounded kids that know there's no place like home!

If you believe in karma, you can't believe in her...

One year ago at this time Chip and I were dancing with Wyndham in our living room, then getting her into her jammies and tucking her as cozy as we possibly could into her bed. It was the eve of her double-foot surgery. We knew we were in for some major life changes, and comfort was not going to be one of them. For her, or us. We knew life was about to get as challenging as it's been for us in a long while.

We just didn't have a clue it was going to drag on. For a whole year. Or more.

Trust me.

We've lived through lots and lots of medical situations and injuries that require extensive care and treatment. We've been through the wringer with grief and trauma and all that it takes out of you as you process it and work your way through it. We're no strangers to doctors telling us what to expect- and having it turn out more on the "worst case scenario" end of the spectrum. I guess I could just tell you we're not rookies when it comes to recovery after injuries.

But this time it was different.

There were no medical helicopters or ambulances rushing one of our loved ones off with the outcome {literally} up in the air. We were feeling cautious, yet hopeful as Wyndham faced a few months of immobility and healing. We had several consulations of various doctors- all who agreed and supported the decision to go ahead with the realignment surgery and tendon lengthening. They used words like, "Wyndham is a good candiate" and "you should expect her to do very well" and "this is something that's been done before yielding great results, so we expect the same or better for you too". As hesitant and unsure as I was going into these consults, I walked away from them each time certain that Chip and I were making the best decision for Wyndham to have the surgery done. We felt educated and informed. We had asked lots of questions. We had exhausted other less invasive measures for a few years and finally felt like we were at the place where there really was only one best option.

So we went ahead and had her surgery done.

I dreaded it and prayed about it for over a year. I asked God for a miracle. I fully expected that at some point along the way my prayers would be heard. I figured that even right up to the very last set of x-rays taken that the doctors would come back to our room and tell us that they couldn't believe it or explain it but there would be no surgery needed. I fully believed that God wanted to use Wyndham as a real-life miracle in an orthopedic office setting. It seemed an unusual place- but I knew God could do miracles anywhere. That's the way this story went. In my head and in my heart. I wanted nothing more than for Wyndham to avoid the pain and suffering that she would endure. I wanted nothing more than for her to be able to keep going to school and be "just like all the other kids". I wanted her to keep growing and playing and laughing and signing and riding bike like she had been doing so well for the past couple of years. We certainly didn't need her laid-up in double casts. It would never be a "good time" for that. But certainly not just 5 weeks after her new baby brother had been born. That's supposed to be the time for the family to bond and nuture one another and adjust to sleepless nights and just take it all in. Because a new baby brings enough change of its own. We're no rookies in that department either.

So I knew, one year ago, as I danced with Wyndham and tucked her in and then swaddled Teague and nursed him to sleep, that the morning would either bring miracle or hurt. For all of us. Unfortunately, God chose not to heal Wyndham's feet on their own, but instead Chip gave her a nice warm bath, she had to skip breakfast, and then we hugged her and sent her off- with a smile on her face- to have surgery on both of her feet/legs.

Chip called me with an update at one point and said she had all the nurses smiling as she held out her finger for the pulse-ox and she was just being the best patient ever. I imagined that she would be. This was the first time she was hospitalized and not sick. She was as healthy and strong and happy as she'd ever been. Which made it all the harder for me.

I'm sure it was still the pregnancy hormones in my body, but I spent most of that morning in tears. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was the worst thing that I could do as a mom- sign the papers and authorize my little girl to have bone taken from her pelvis and placed in both feet, as well as have her legs cut lengthwise on the back of her calves for her tendons to be lengthened. It was as if I were signing us up for suffering. Her for the physical pain and limitations it would put on her; Chip and me for the added demands and emotional/mental suffering we would feel as we helped nurse for her and give her the care needed to get her back on her feet. I cried because I knew that everyone of us in our family was going to hurt in some way. And I had basically said, "Go ahead... you have my okay."

In my defense, I really feel that even though we asked a hundred questions, and even though the therapists supported us and the physiatrist supported us and recommended her surgeon and even though Wyndham loved her surgeon and we all seemed so confident and ready to get this done, I still feel (looking back a year post surgery) like we were not given the full scope of what the worst-case scenario might be. We were told she would be in double casts up to her knees for 8 weeks. Then she would be in some orthodics- which would be adjusted as she progressed with her rehabilitation. There was never, ever mention that she would be needing a wheelchair one year later. Or more.

That never crossed my mind. We looked at it as suffering and life-style changes that would last through the winter months, but then by spring we would be ready to breathe in the newness of springtime and feel energized and see Wyndham flourish. We never dreamed that things would take a toll on her the way they did. She hardly moved out of her wheelchair for the first 6 months at all. We never dreamed her lack of good progress would take such a toll on our marriage and family dynamics. I guess I thought Chip and I would find a rhythm and things would sort of move along differently. But we are adaptable people. We've lived through traumas and seizures and sort of expected that in taking it one day at a time we would manage the way we always do.

With humor getting us through most of it, and with the light at the end of the tunnel guiding our way. Only this time, there were too many days where none of us laughed. The pain was managable for Wyndham. But beyond that I couldn't help but grow more and more resentful as the progress seemed too slow and the recovery more demanding than any of us had imagined it would be.

I shut myself off from the world. In part because we had a new baby and 4 other kids just doesn't make it convenient to go out and do anything anywhere. But I think I shut myself out and grew a little bit more resentful everyday because truth be told, in my heart and mind we had already paid the price of suffering. And even more than Chip and me, Wyndham had paid more than her fair share of suffering. With each day that we had to lift her out of bed, and with each diaper change that we had to roll her to her side and try to bathe as she lay helplessly looking on or watched her siblings go off to school or play the games they wanted to, it just dug like a knife in my heart.

I've heard a lot about karma the past few years. You know, the idea that what a person puts out into the world is what comes back to them? Well, I believe it to a point. A really tiny one. And then I toss that notion out the window. Why else would there be so many things written about why bad things happen to good people? Or what about natural disasters- they take anyone in their wake. There is no mercy or stopping for people who have meant their quota of good. Sometimes bad just happens.

As I've watched Wyndham's life unfold over more than a decade now, I've only seen from her "good". I mean literally her life was turned upside-down and her chances to put anything out in the world were stripped before she had even sat up on her own. She never even had the chance to say a bad word. She has only shown determination and joy everytime she's had the world turn against her. And there have been a lot of times. Yet somehow, she overcomes. She's a fighter... most often with humor being her method of finding her way back too. She has always had a high pain tolerance and she always manages to be the one that makes me see the light is still there. No matter how dark it's gotten through the years.

In fact, one of the biggest reasons Chip and I have fought to keep our marriage together and have been able to find joy and happiness in life after loss and tragedy is because we have looked at Wyndham (and Brock, and all our other kids too) and we've said we want to keep it together and give them the best that we can in spite of how we feel.

But this year has been different.

I've had to fight with me (follow me here- I'm talking about the me inside of me) because I've blamed myself and felt regret and basically I have tried to figure out why the suffering we've lived with has had to follow us for as long as it has. I truly believe that God is able to change our circumstances. I fully trust Him with all that happens in our lives. So to feel pain for so long and not lose the happiness we worked so hard to get back through the years has just added to the hurt I've carried inside. It's been tough.

I've gone around in circles and tried to figure out what we could have done differently. That never helps anything for me anyway. It just makes me wish for a "do over" and we all know that can't happen. So I feel disappointed too. That even though we've tried our best, it just isn't turning out the way we imagine it to.

One year later.

I've been riding my bike for the past 4 months or so. I average 10 miles each day. I've ridden over 500 miles and in the time it takes to pedal that far I have had a lot of thinking and wrestling and praying along the way. I've pedaled some days out of frustration. I've pedaled some days out of fear. I've pedaled some days out of regret. I've pedaled some days just because I know Teagan never got to ride a big girl bike and Wyndham will never bike alone. So I've biked for them. I've pedaled some days because I can't believe how good I feel. I've sometimes wondered if I'd ever feel "good" again. {The answer is yes!} I've pedaled some days asking God to take all the pain away. I've pedaled on other days thanking Him for being merciful and keeping Chip and me together to bear the burdens and still see beauty rise from them. I've thanked God for giving me the ability to finally let go of needing answers or seeing outcomes that I've predetermined in my own heart and mind. I've pedaled and wondered why He's given me so much when I sometimes act like the biggest baby in my whole family.

One year ago I knew Wyndham was going to wake up and then be taken from her cozy home and the next thing she would find herself throbbing and her legs would be in bright orange casts and her hip would ache, but she would never know why. I am sorry that I let it happen to her. I am sorry one year later that I didn't know better than to say no. I am sorry that I couldn't change the fact that she would be in a wheelchair for a year and give up so much. I am sorry that I couldn't make it better for her. I am sorry I couldn't take away the hurt. I regret that she has suffered and been changed- even though she is content in her chair and doesn't seem to feel pain now. She isn't back to the way she was. She still needs maximum support and aid for so many daily activities.

Chip and I have found as much of a "normal" groove in the past year as we can with her needs and those of 5 other kids. We've only just begun to find our way back to one another. I am still on my way of letting go of why all this has had to happen to us. I am still holding on to the hope that even if God chooses to not reveal the answers to my questions, that I can still trust Him and know that He can work it all for good.

My faith isn't dependent on needing the answers. But it sure depends on knowing the One that has them all. That's the bottom line. It's not about karma. It's not about who has done what and how good or bad it's been. It's not about our energy being worse than another families, and it's certainly not about Wyndham deserving of something bad yet again. It's been a journey, that's for sure.

As you can see from the photos, she IS doing well. We're ALL doing well. In many regards we have nothing to complain about. We have more than we need or deserve. Would we change things if we could... yes. But we are taking things as they come. And Teague is happy to spend time in the chair during the times Wyndham is out of it.

I continue to bike as often as I can and with each passing mile I am feeling more confident that no matter what our family endures, we will come out shining. I can't say that I believe in karma. But I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, I DO believe in overcoming. And if you believe in that, then you most definitely believe in Wyndham. And I believe Wyndham is here because God knows we all need to see what a miracle looks like everyday. I most assuredly believe in those.

...and then he was 3!

A week ago {Sept. 19th} Crew turned 3! It seems like we were just setting up his nursery and getting all the tiny clothes washed and put away in anticipation for his arrival. The next thing I know he is signing "3" and helping to select the cake flavor(s) and then holding the mixer and licking the beaters when the batter is done.

The years really do go by in the blink of an eye- even though some of the days and nights feel like they will never end! Even with having 7 kids, I will never understand the phenomenom behind that truth. We fell in love with Crew and his tiny newborn baby scent back in 2008. He was perfect and warm and squeeky at just the right times. It seems like he grew out of that newborn/baby phase way too quickly and his bright little mind was bent on keeping pace with all his older siblings. There's a 4 1/2 year gap between him and the next in line, Ava, so he had a lot of ground to make up!

I won't sugarcoat it and lie to the world here on my blog. He was a tough cookie- and still is at times- especially when it comes to his strong will and his independent nature. He has wanted to do things his way and on his own since about the 1 year mark. It's only been in the last few months that he is easier to "tame" and also his verbal skills are finally starting to develop and that makes things a bit better for all of us. Knowing that "Bobbie" means he wants to watch SpongeBob helps more than one would think!

I am just so grateful that he is smart, funny, healthy, happy (at least at various times throughout the days) and ready to learn and try new things all the time. Even if it means I've wanted to tear my hair out once in awhile. We're in this together and for the long-haul. Thankfully we have a relationship that was based in love from the very beginning. And love will see us all through!

So, to wrap this up I am going to share some random things I love about Crew being 3:

I love that he can make his own toast. It sort of gives me a small heart attack because I'm not sure what he's up to sometimes, but it makes him proud. Some of my older kids could take cooking lessons from him. Seriously.

I love that he wears Superman jammies and when he wakes up in the morning a lot of times he comes running right to me with his arms wide open ready to give and get a hug. It's a great way to start the day!

I love that he laughs at quirky things. He loves slapstick humor already.

I can't help but love that he gets mad when we tell him he can't drive a car yet. I think he gets that from Ava. She was so upset one day at age 4 that I wouldn't turn over my keys to her that she cried the whole way home from picking up the big kids from school. =)

I love that Crew loves "grown up food" over fast food or junk food, for the most part. He eats cereal/granola for several meals and snacks each week. He especially loves fresh fruit and berries on top. And he insists on pouring the milk on himself, so I give him a little cup of milk that enables him to do it without my help. He won't eat chicken fingers or cheeseburgers, but he does like corn dogs. And toast. See above. =)

I love that he stills gets way too tired and than "crashes" at nap time if/when he takes one. He has a point in the day where he needs a nap so badly, but he fights it just as hard. On the days that he takes one I often get to lay down on his bed and help him calm into sleepmode. I know he's there when he starts twisting his fingers in his hair on the top of his head. Sometimes he even makes little knots.

I love that, even though it makes me feel like I live on a prairie and I'm married to Charles Ingalls, Crew calls me "ma". It's most adorable when he says, "Thanks, Ma!" for whatever it is I happened to get for him at the time.

I love that he makes smiley faces on the driveway with chalk. He loves art time with paints, markers, crayons and LOVES playdough. But he's not so typical in that he hates to get any of it on his hands or clothes. How lucky does that make me?! =)

Okay. One more. I love that he doesn't hold back. Whether it's good or bad, he's in 100%. Which is why I sometimes want to tear my hair out, but I also know that the world holds something amazing for him and he's going to go get it with all of his heart. It might get broken a time or two... but whatever his dream is, he is not going to settle for anything less. There is a lesson in that for all of us. Even if I am a biased mom of a charming 3-year old boy.

Happy birthday to my Crewie as we sometimes call him. I am so glad to be the one to watch you grow, to teach you new things, to see you try and try and try some more, and to share the frosting from the beaters too. My life is forever better because of you! Love, Ma xoxo

Documenting daily life...

I've had a debate in my head for a few weeks now as to keep blogging or not. As you can see, the "not" won out for awhile. =) Sure, life is busy from day to day. Three of the six kids have started back to school; Wyndham is getting more therapy services- which already keep Chip busy running her back and forth to her sessions, and summer is starting to wind down so I am trying to get in as many 10-mile bike rides as I can. It seems like there is always something to cook or clean or pick up... our daily life is routine, but not at the same time.

Even as I wonder whether or not to make note of the "stuff" going on in our lives I realize that this is the kind of stuff that is too easily forgotten. The seasons of life sometimes change so gradually that I hardly notice they've changed until I look back and see that things were once very different.

So here I am again, taking note of the really insignificant, significant details of our life. As it is- right now. With Brock (in 7th grade), Bella (in 4th grade) and Ava (in 2nd grade) in school our home has gotten quieter from 7:45 am until 3:25 pm. When Wyndham is away at therapy sessions I suddenly find myself with just 2 kids at home. Something that is a rarity and makes me think back to when I had Teagan and Brock. Crew and Teague are the exact same ages apart as those two were and it brings back a flood of memories of how that season in my life was very different than it is now. I have found that these two little guys love to play together and are very good in their play kitchen. We save all sorts of products/packages from our real kitchen and they can pretend together for a long time and are very happy at the food they make. I love getting to spend some playtime with them as I know how important it is for kids to get more individual attention.

I am glad I have a spot to "preserve" some of these really mundane activities here on my blog, because I know the years go so quickly and it's too important to not take notice of the little moments. I see how each of my kids is growing and learning and discovering new things. Every day. And new discoveries- no matter how many people have discovered them before you- are always worth documenting. I hope you are finding freshness in your days right now. Breathe it in and savor it. Because tomorrow will be a new day and you might forget just how much you loved today.

What a difference a year makes!

Today our baby of the family turns one! We are so lucky to have such a happy, healthy, rambunctious one year old in our lives. Teague has always been loved by us, but in the past few months he has been able to give a lot of love right back. He's generally a content, but busy, little guy. He loves to play with all his siblings and he loves banging on the All-Clad pots in the kitchen too. He's been climbing up full flights of stairs for 3 months now and has been walking for nearly a month. He is curious and smart and has a love of puppies- even though we don't own a single pet. He has 6 teeth- and although he is great about eating a variety of vegetables most of those teeth like sweets just as much. =)

We have loved watching him become who he is already and look forward to watching him grow and change and become all God designed him to be from one til however old he gets!

Happy Birthday, to our dear Teague. Love and best wishes from your whole family!

They made it more fun!

My parents came for a visit from Minnesota last week and we sure appreciated all they did for us and to help us have a little more summer fun together. With a ratio of two adults to six kids considering the ages and special needs of three of them it's much more manageable to do activities with a couple more helpers. Grandma and Grandpa were more than helpers. They made life more enjoyable and eased some of the daily burdens that tend to weigh Chip and me down so much.

We spent an overnight at a cabin of our friends on Big Star Lake here in Michigan. It was perfect weather and there was a lot to do- including a boat, kayaks, tubing, building sand castles, relaxing and a family outing to the famous Jones' Ice Cream. My parents are so laid-back around our kids and just jump right in playing with them and doing other household projects like defrosting our upright freezer. Like I said... the fun stuff. =)

Chip and I marked our 16th wedding annivesary {on August 12th} and my mom made us a carrot cake- very similar to the one she made for us on our wedding day. I have to tell you this has probably been the hardest year for us on so many levels. More difficult even then the year we had our Old Depot incident. Some days Chip and I wonder how we manage to even stay together. For me it is proof that God exists. He is holding us together when we would rather split our problems in half or just let half the family have some breathing room to feel "normal" at times. I'm thankful for the miracle God keeps doing in our hearts and lives as He keeps us together. I hope we can look back years from now and see just how far we've come. But in the throws of the tough stuff it can be hard to see.

I'm still thankful for Chip sharing his life with me and we love each other to the core. It's just the fun isn't the same kind of fun we used to have and we're trying to live in the moments of wonderful that we do have each day and recognize that we are pretty lucky- evenso.

I think we know it inside.

My parents visit reminded me that we DO have so much to be grateful for. We DO have a lot of fun when we can make it happen and God DOES want to see our marriage through all seasons of our lives. I hope we're eating cake together- as a couple and as a family- for a long, long time.