Teagan's Birthday.

I'm mixing the pictures up a bit today in this post in memory of Teagan. That top one is a picture of a card that we got from Grandma Karen as we marked Teagan's first birthday in Heaven. I have kept it on a memo board in my kitchen for 5 years now. It hardly seems like it's been that long, but it has.
For me, when I look at pictures of Teagan, or recall memories that we shared, they could have happened yesterday- they are that clear in my mind. Even as I spent time thinking about our birth experience with her and all the changes we made with having our first baby, now 10 years ago today, it hardly feels like it could be so long ago. I remember my thoughts and emotions and how perfect Teagan was when she was born. I remember hardly being able to breathe... probably partly from just having a baby, but truly, she took my breath away. I think it was the way she felt in my arms. I had been so against having a baby in my life, and I was so afraid of not being able to love this baby when it was born. I look back now, and can't believe I wasted so much time stressing about and worrying about something that never happened. Something that couldn't have been further from the reality that took place.
The moment Teagan was placed in my arms, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I was smitten. I would have died on the spot for her. And any of my other kids when they were born too. It just happened naturally to me. Instant, absolute, pure love. I remember trying to fall asleep that first night, (yeah right! Teagan was up squawking for most of it!) and thinking to myself that my heart could burst- I had no idea I was capable of so much love.
There were lots of challenges with Teagan as a newborn in my life. I felt isolated in my home alone most of the day- alone, but with Teagan. As a firsttime Mom, I was nervous to go very far and struggles with figuring out how to do everything...like baths and grocery shopping and stuff I never thought would be an issue. It was tricky. As many of you know, parenthood changes the dynamics of your relationship with your spouse too. There were lots of things we had to adjust to...but as we learned to adapt, I was more and more comfortable with my new role as a mom, and I grew to love this new part of my life every single day.
As Teagan grew, so did I, in many respects. I not only realized how much I loved having kids, but also that I couldn't have been happier than when I was home just being with my family. When I had to go back to work, part-time, Teagan got to come with me to the office and it worked out great, but I realized I just loved being a mom most of all. Through the years, and with a second and third baby, it became a priority of mine to be home full-time. It also costs a lot to have three kids in daycare, so we crunched our budget and made it work so that I could stay home and be with our kids. I loved it.
I thought I 'had it all' when Wyndham was born. We were living in the first home we had bought just months earlier, in a quiet neighborhood with a fenced in back yard. We had great friends, Chip liked his job, we were happy at our church, and life just seemed to be "going our way". Really, it was like that. We stressed once in awhile if we had a car needing a repair, or I wished I could see our family in Minnesota more often, but by and large, things were rosy in our corner of the world.
At three weeks of age, Wyndham had a medical problem...she stopped breathing and we called 9-1-1 and she ended up air-ambulanced to Hurley Hospital in Flint, MI where she spent 5 days in the ICU on a respirator. We were able to bring her home, and although we were all shaken by this incident and concerned and aware of how close we had come to losing her, we were very grateful to have our little family back together again. I felt that God was telling Chip and I to never take what He had given to us for granted- even our kids. So, I didn't. I loved my kids in a 'new way', realizing that they could be gone if something ever happened. I was more protective of them, and yet more patient, because I realized they were kids, and I wouldn't have forever with them. They were growing up and I was aware of how much I just needed to soak up this time with them while they were so young.
I was living that and loving that and thought life had tested me and that I had come through my experience as a better person. I was 'living the good life'. At least the way Chip and I had decided we wanted to live life. Comfortable, secure, happy.
Teagan couldn't have been happier. She followed me around the house all day, or outside, "helping me" and asking questions, playing with Brock and making us all laugh at her antics. She would sing and dance and run and play Barbies and color and paint and just basically had the kind of easy childhood that every kid deserves. She loved being a little girl. She loved her birthdays, and when her fourth birthday came, she said, "I just want to be four forever!". She said it for the next four and a half months, from time to time. I always thought is was unusual that she wanted to stay four, but she held her ground on that wish.
I think about that wish of hers more than anything, each year when her birthday rolls around. I wonder if God made her say that so often, so to ease some of my sorrow in the way that it sort of does. I mean, I have a hope of Heaven. There is no doubt in my mind that Teagan is there. She prayed and asked Jesus into her heart the day before she died just before she ate her lunch. I know that is all God asks of us if we want to gain eternal life- simply believe that Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for our sins, and we in return are given everlasting life in Heaven. I believe that He is true to this promise, and since Teagan prayed a little prayer, asking Jesus to come into her heart, I live with the assurance that I will see her again when I die.
That hope, that reality, that even though she is separated from me now I will see her again someday, was the one thought that made my pain bearable when she died. I miss her in my life every single day. Some more than others. Like when I stop and think too long, or when we do something that I know Teagan would have loved doing, or in our family pictures...I always see a 'hole' where she should be. It's true. It hurts more than I could put into words here, at times.
Today Teagan would have turned 10. I have no idea how she would like to style her hair, or what her favorite subject would be in school. I don't know if she would be playing an instrument, or what sport she would like the best. I don't know if she would want a puppy or would have wanted a sleepover with her friends. I don't know what kind of cake she would have had me make; I have no idea what would have topped her birthday wish list of presents. There is so much I don't know, that if I spend too much time thinking about it, I can't type through my tears. And that pain that gets pushed in to a little corner of my soul...it comes at me in full force. It hurts. It's sad and it's not fair that the arms I have that once held her and felt love like no other from the moment she was placed into them, cannot give her a simple, little birthday hug today.
I could go on and on, but I have learned, after celebrating 6 birthdays without her now, that my heart would rather celebrate what I had, and what I still have in life, rather than getting hung up on what I am missing out on. I wouldn't trade the hug I got in that picture above from Teagan that time. And that picture is only one of several hundred hugs around the neck that I got in her 4 short years. The smiles, the laughter, the joy, the challenges, the changes, the ups, the downs, the realization that I was so lucky to have her in my life- and all the blessings that our family has been given since her death- that is what my heart celebrates on Teagan's birthday. I posted a picture of Brock and me from our lunch out today, as a family. I sat there thinking how different things would be if Teagan were here, and really I can't say that I know how things would be for sure.
A part of me knows that I was lucky to not have lost Brock and Wyndham at the same time as Teagan's death. I don't know that I would be the person I am today if that had happened. So, I was thankful for them. And for Chip. And for Isabella who showed up in my life when I thought the timing couldn't have hardly been worse...and yet when she was born {4 days before we marked the first anniversary of Teagan's death} the timing was perfect. She filled my arms again, not that she could replace Teagan, but she diverted some of the sorrow of my soul, and created a new purpose for my pain. I had to look beyond some of my sorrow and embrace what life (I believe God planned her all along) was giving to me. I am thankful for Ava too. She likely wouldn't be in my life if Teagan were still here. Again, I don't know for certain, but Chip and I weren't planning to have a family of five kids. Now we have five, but one is waiting for us in her new home in Heaven.
Sometimes I feel like Teagan can look down and see everything we're doing in life. I don't know if she can for certain; it just feels like it sometimes. I know that if she was watching us today, she would see that we still love her like crazy, that there is a longing in our hearts to know everything about her, and that we can't wait to see her in Heaven someday. In the meantime, we are doing our best to make sure that we remember to laugh and live and love, and to tell others about Heaven. Because we want everyone to have a chance to meet her...and more importantly, to meet God- the one who has changed our hearts forever.
Happy Birthday, Teagan from your whole family on earth. You were celebrated today, and are in our hearts always!

I spy something green...

My kids are all wearing green tshirts today to display our Irish heritage. I couldn't help but grab my camera and snap a picture of Ava at our front door sporting her little green fairy wings. I'm wise enough to know that it won't be much longer until she's outgrown them and moving on to 'bigger and better' outfits. They likely won't have wings.
The greatest thing to me about St. Patrick's Day is my Irish Grandma. She would be horrified to know that I posted a picture of us without any green in sight on our clothing (it's a requirement around her on March 17th), but this most recent photo of us happened to be taken on Valentine's Day when we were with her last month- thus, the pink.
I have wonderful memories of this holiday through the years. My Grandma Shirley was adopted as a baby, but maintains that she is 'pure Irish'. If you saw the number of Irish decorations, from shamrocks to leprechauns and everything in between, you wouldn't question that she is right. She has put on an Irish dinner for friends and family easch year, sometimes over a period of several days, just so everybody gets in on it. Everything on her menu- the corned beef and potatoes and cabbage and Irish Soda bread are mouth watering. It makes you wish St. Patrick's Day happened more than once in a calendar year- it's that good.
Im fairly certain today, as I reflect back over my life through the years, that I am at least half Irish in my heritage. I'm that lucky.
Here's wishing my "Irish Grandma" much blessing and good fortune in her life. She has been a blessing in mine already. Love and miss you Grandma Shirley. My kids are happy to wear green and share your love of this day with you!

These are the days to hold on to...

I'm posting these because they are some of my favorites from the last couple of years. A few of my favorites...but I have a couple of thousand more favorites besides the ones I picked today. I've been looking through older pictures (even a box full of pictures of Chip when he was a kid, thanks to Grandma Karen!) and it just makes me thoughtful and reflective. Besides, I didn't want to drive some of you crazy with that chicken head picture any longer than I already had. =) At least those of you who didn't see the humor in it.
Truly, pictures are really powerful. I had no idea through the years how much you can remember (or wish you could forget!) just by looking through photos. I will be pulling out even more boxes and albums this weekend as Teagan's birthday rolls around this Sunday. It's so wonderful to have 'visual memories', and it makes me realize how time gets away if we let it. I talked about this as Ava turned three this week...the years just seem to fly by all too quickly.
I am trying my best, and hoping to encourage others, to savor life. All the good times, but even to see that the trials and stressful moments are just that. Moments. They don't last forever, even though they feel like it when we get caught in the midst of them. There are ups and downs, ebbs and flows, mountains and valleys. And lots of plain old highways we travel along the way.
I am learning to love ALL of the journey- whether it is high or low or just flat roads for awhile. I know that there are purposes to all of the events in life, and to try to embrace each one as it comes is the best way to enjoy the ride.
Maybe it was just the black and white of the photos hitting me the 'right way'. Those colorless pictures make me more thoughtful, I guess. But it's still true. Everyday we grow one step closer to our last breath on earth- although most of us know not when that will be. I am very aware that life is short and there are no guarantees. That's why I have made an effort to let my family know how much I love them. I try to have fun and make them aware that the "ordinary days" might be the only ones we have together...so let's not waste them waiting for the big 'mountain-top experiences" to come along. Live for today. Sounds so simple. To me it means making the ordinary seem extraordinary. I'm thankful today for memories and photos, because I know that there really isn't any other way to hold on to ordinary days in my life like these.

Lessons from a rubber chicken.

This chicken head was posted on a thread at the Scrap Etc message board a couple of days ago. My kids have been laughing at it everytime they see it. It's funny. Just that...funny. I set my desktop background to this picture- in 'tile format', so there were about 36 of these on the screen. It was just a joke (and to be honest with you, I don't even know the whole story behind this silly chicken, other than it will be appearing at the Scrap Etc Inspiration Event...and I won't be there to see it in person. SO it goes...) and I laughed along with my kids at the sight of this chicken for the past couple of days.
Chip didn't quite see the humor in it, but that's alright. He still let the rest of us get our giggles, and didn't make a fuss about it all that much. Mostly he just rolled his eyes at me.
So, I understand that not everybody 'gets' my sense of humor. Not everybody understands the whys and ways in which I do things. Sometimes I don't even understand myself...but when it comes to this blog, it's pretty much a 'take it or leave it' approach. I put myself out here. I make jokes, share photos, tell stories, voice my opinion, present challenges, offer advice, ask questions, expose my faith in God, and any number of other things that come up in my thoughts/life at any given time. I just find it sad (after deleting yet another anonymous comment) that some people just can't take a joke and have to constantly look at life from a 'jaded' perspective. I can't express enough how short life really is in the scheme of things, and it makes me sad that there are people living life from day to day, who I feel truly don't "get" all there is to be had in life. Their negative attitude or life experiences cause them to try to bring others down and robs them of the joy they could have if only they could live and let go.
In my earlier post, I joked about inviting strangers at Starbucks to read my blog. I have nothing to gain from such a thing- even if someone took me up on it. I just threw it out there- more as a commentary on what marketing really is about. What I do know is that an anonymous person(s) who has such distaste for my blog, is still reading it after weeks of accusing me of not spending enough time with my family, and for needlessly wasting time updating this blog. I find that to be a backwards compliment. Someone dislikes my blog so much that they keep reading it.
My point is that life is so much bigger than little negative comments. There is a lot of living and joy and rubber chickens out there to embrace and love and laugh at.
There are small things (like Free Starbucks coffee) that bring moments of joy for no big reason...but they are worth sharing with others in life. I totally get that some people have lived through some really bad stuff in life, and it affects them to the core. I get that. Really, I do. I'm not telling everyone to go out, buy a rubber chicken or drink some Starbucks and life will be all happy and carefree. It's not like that at all. BUT, there are little things in life, all along the way, that we can see, touch, feel, smell, embrace, taste, seek and make an effort to find IF we are willing to keep ourselves open to their possibility.
So, there it is. My Nitty.Gritty. lesson from stumbling across a photo of a rubber chicken. I know it won't strike everybody funny in the same way it did for me and my kids. Chip was my real-life example of that. But that's the essence of this lesson. We all come at life from different directions. I can't pretend to know and understand why you say/do the things you do. I keep my blog as a small snippet of my life that I share in this way...but still, it's not the whole me. I just hope that each of us keeps embracing goodness, happiness, joy and even trials in life as they come...and seek to respond to them as best we can.
That's what I'm saying. The good news is there is always hope for everyone to find joy in life. Even if it starts with a silly rubber chicken.

What are you doing between 10am and Noon today?

I got this little note in my inbox last night. Made me want to get up and showered and dressed by 10am! Free coffee. =) At Starbucks. No wonder I love this place... they have savvy marketing skills. You know how much I normally don't like advertising and corporate marketing strategies. Well, this one works. The ad caught my eye (don't you love the coffee-ring clock?!! all the scrapbookers out there are seeing "inspiration" in that!) and the price is right. What's not to love?

I am a simple girl. This proves it. A free cup of coffee and I am rarin' to go. Me and probably scores of others too. SO, expect long lines and while you wait patiently, why not tell the people around you to stop by my blog? Just a thought. Me and my 'savvy marketing skills'. Might as well put them to good use, huh? Shameless, I know. But the price is right! =)

Happy Free Starbucks Coffee from 10 til noon Day! Now that's a good day.

1...2...3!

My bitty baby is officially grown up. Ava turned three years old today! I still can hardly manage to get her to turn her head to face my camera, but I did manage to snag a few that came close. One trick was to put the camera on 'auto' and hold her in the photo with me. Hopefully she'll have pictures mastered by this time next year. Cross your fingers for the cupcake/candle photos to be snapped in just a bit.
I looked back through some of her baby photos this morning and couldn't believe how much it really did feel 'like just yesterday' that she was born. So many emotions when it's your youngest marking another year...the time really does go by in a blink. I am so glad that I had had lots of practice with babies by the time Ava was born. I know I "soaked her up" a lot more than I did my other kids. In part because I had learned through the others how fast that newborn phase flies by. Babies are only soft and tiny and so sleepy (at times!) for such a short time. I held Ava all the time and slept when she slept (when I could!) and just stared at her as much as possible. She was a very easy going baby, which was good, because her sisters were both still in diapers and highchairs and still such 'babies' themselves when she was born. Brock had just turned five and so I definitely had my hands full with lots of needs and clean-up all the time.
It was fun though. It made me really prioritize my time; be on top of my game and I was happy to be busy. I believe if there's any good excuse for demands on my time, I have learned it is my favorite thing to be demanded of by my family. I love this most of all, so I have the most tolerance for their needs in my life (most of the time!).
Today Ava is three and it's funny, because time really does slip away so quickly when you mark milestones like toddler's birthdays. I remember so clearly when Teagan turned three. As my oldest at that time, I remember how grown up she seemed to me. I couldn't believe what a smart, young lady she had become almost overnight! What hits me now, as Ava turns three, is how different I see her birthday- since she's my youngest. She's three, but she just seems so much younger to me than Teagan did. I know it's in part because a Mom's heart has a hard time letting their kids grow up. And the other part is that a heart never forgets. I'll never forget loving and snuggling and being so smitten by all of my babies. So, even though the years go by quickly, I know I'll always have memories (at least for a few more years, hopefully!!) and some pictures to take me back.
Happy Birthday, Ava. No matter how big you get, you'll always be my sweetheart. Love you!!

Make your own cup...

I've posted a picture of this tumbler somewhere in my archives, but had to give the 'designers/scrappers' out there this inside tip. It means that I have to admit to going INTO a Starbucks two weeks in a row now (and YES!, I had a great "chat with God" over my Venti Latte again this week!), but this is too good to pass up.
The deal is on their 'Make-your-own-tumblers'. At least that's the deal at my local Starbucks. You get to scrap the insert or design it with photos and whatever else you like...there are even some templates at the Starbucks' website if you want to use some "easy art". Anyway, at half price, these fun to-go cups are just $4.99. What a deal! I mean most Hallmark cards are running in that price range these days...so this makes a fun little gift for yourself or just a little something funky to make for the unsuspecting coffee-lover in your life. (Or tea or Chai-lover if you know one of those!)
SO, I filled my cup, my soul and my 'stash of gifts for anybody at anytime' all in one stop at Starbucks today. I have to say, You would think I am doing PR work for their chain, but really, it's just that I have been lucky to get out of my house two mornings now. I mean outside of church. I didn't know that God was such a coffee-lover! =)
Oh yeah. If you do happen to buy a tumbler and get creative and mess around with designing the insert, I'd love to see your creation! Happy making art and finding God in the ordinary places in your life...like Starbucks. =)

Simple pleasures...

I am making spaghetti pie and blogging at the SAME time. Really. I don't know why we waited so long to get wireless internet in our home. That's all I have to say about that.

Can't get enough...

I blog quite a bit about contentment here at Nitty.Gritty. It's something I think so many people struggle with in the American culture we live it. It is such a conusumer/image-based society...and while I love America and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else in the world than where I do right now. But, I think there is a growing epidemic of people not realizing how blessed they truly are in their lives. There is growing consumer debt, and just lots of people not as happy as it seems they should be...constantly comparing themselves to others who have more, or get to do more, or just that they wish they had more.
In light of Teagan's death and our ongoing recovery with Wyndham, my thoughts changed dramatically in life as to what true contentment really is, and my definition of success took a 180. I am still learning to be content with what I have, and I know that I have more than enough.
Still, when I looked through some photos today I couldn't help but think there are some things in life I will never get enough of. Like the smiles of Bella and Wyndham...you can just see how much they love and interact together. That sister-bond can rarely be broken...and I hope my girls stay close forever. I hope they always want to be best friends. To my own two sisters, Stephanie and Jaqcue, they know I love them and share the same bond we see in the photo of my girls. I am blessed with having two sisters who are also my best friends in life.
Then there is the whole thing of rubbing noses. We did it with Teagan all the time. She was such an affectionate little girl, that a simple kiss on the cheek was never enough. She loved to hug our necks so tight, and rub noses, and do pinky promises...promising to love us forever. My dad has a special memory of one of the last kisses he got from Teagan. He asked Teagan to come over and 'give Grandpa a kiss' before she ran off to play. She went over to him, and he was expecting a quick peck on the cheek. Instead, she reached both her hands on each side of his face and pulled him gently to hers, and then gave him a little kiss. My dad says it was so sweet and innocent, and yet so unexpected from this wild and crazy little energetic girl. She just had a knack for melting hearts, I guess. I am so thankful that my dad has this fond memory to look back on...that was one of the last kisses he ever got from Teagan.
Okay, about the rubbing noses thing before I start tearing up while writing my own blog. (Ahem. That's me getting my composure back after that last thought.) We love rubbing noses to show our kids how much we love them. It's just fun and especially when the kids are little, they love changing things up a little bit- even when it comes to hugs and kisses. I just had to catch Chip and Ava the other morning- even though they were still a little 'scruffy' from just waking up. Ava actually 'tuned out the camera' for a minute during these shots...she was just loving her daddy and his undivided attention.
It's something I can't ever get enough of...the love between my husband and my kids. I know it is a gift that many people and sadly, many kids never get. Some people live with the void of never getting that love they crave their whole life long. While we're not perfect parents by any stretch of the imagination, our kids do know how much we love them...and we're not about to ever stop telling them that- or showing them. Although it might not always be rubbing noses with them. That would look funny to all the other kids- especially when they're in highschool. =)
I had another really amazing time of just "soaking up the presence of God" today. I've had some questions and emails about how you know when God is speaking to you, or how do you 'feel Him'. For me it has been in developing a personal relationship with God...it hasn't happened overnight, that's for sure. But, I believe that God can 'speak' or reveal Himself through all sorts of means- especially when we read the Bible (that's the best way I have found to hear Him speak to me), but also through nature, through a feeling in your heart (something can feel 'so right' even though life might be otherwise at that time), and oftentimes for me it is through worship and song. During the music portion of our church service, there are many times when I just shut my eyes, and in these moments, through the words and music, it's as though it's just me and God. I have often been blessed and touched (as I was today), because sometimes I can close my eyes, and as I sing and worship God, I get a sort of 'picture of Heaven' in my mind, and it's like I'm worshipping God and Teagan is right there with me. It's really an amazing thing...and maybe it sounds a little 'new-agy' or something, but it's very real to me. I imagine that Heaven isn't really as far away as we think it is...the reality is that we're all just a breath away. It's that feeling- that reality, that picture- that when I draw near to God, He really is THAT close to me. It's another thing in my life that I can never get enough of. The more I grow in my spiritual life, the more I want of Christ. I guess as a kid sometimes I wished I didn't have to go to church so much or wondered why people would read the Bible- it seemed 'boring' to me at times. Now, I know...the more you love and feel God's love, it just multiplies from there. It just happens...but it definitely takes effort. And again, I am not the most spiritual person on earth, and I skip church and my Bible reading from time to time, but it's more and more becoming a 'natural desire of my heart' and I am noticing God in my life more and more as I faithfully do MY part.
One more thing, before I start to sound greedy. =) I got a nap for the first time today since I can't remember when. Wyndham was awake (and in our bed) for half the night, so nobody did much sleeping. When we got home from church and lunch, she was tired, and Chip let me lay down with her. I had hoped to get some sleep, but wasn't counting on it. I just have to say, "did that nap feel good!" I think I could add sleep to my list of things I can't get enough of, but I have a feeling it won't stay on the list for long! Besides, I've heard it said that sometimes too much sleep makes you more tired than not enough sleep, so I wouldn't want that wish anyway, huh?! It did feel good to get caught up on a little bit of the sleep I missed out on- especially with the time change too.
Now I'm wondering...if you were making a list, what kinds of things would you put on it? This could be a fun bunch of comments. =) Mine is love, smiles, (pictures!) and real worship...the kind that makes God feel 'touchable'. I think I'm going to start keeping a list in a journal, and add to it as things come to mind. It will be fun to look back on in a few years. Maybe you want to do it too.

Chip finally talked me into it...

Life just got 'kicked up a notch' in our home. Chip wanted me to make sure that he got the credit for this one...we're fast and free! From wires, that is.
Hooray for being able to have the phone ring while surfing the net at the same time! I laughed at Chip as we were getting ready for bed. He had spent much of the evening watching the Minnesota High School Hockey Tournament, while I was catching up on some blogs and emails that I haven't gotten to in a long time. When he looked at me with that "what's so funny?" expression I said, "I think we've already gotten our money's worth in just the first night of wireless".
And of course we're thinking it but haven't said it..."we should have done this months ago!". Live and learn. And then get wireless. Makes one appreciate it all the more. =)

My scrap philosophy in life at this moment in time.

Back to the basics...that's what this scrap layout was all about. Yesterday was Cathy Zielske's birthday, and some of you scrappers know who she is, and she was definitely instrumental as far as what finally piqued my interest in this hobby/pasttime/outlet (whatever you call scrapbooking from your perspective).
A few days ago I took her Clean & Simple-Part 2 book off my shelf and just soaked it all in again. I connect with her 'style' because I share her love of graphic design as well as obsession with fonts and type setting. But I also love her approach to scrapbooking...scrap the "important stuff". I never have gotten into the whole concept of scrapping birthdays and graduations and all that...although I'm happy for you if that's what you do. For me, I would be doing 'endless pages' about those kinds of events...and I just feel like there is so much more to life than that. I mean really, birthdays come once a year...but life happens the other 364 days too. There's a lot to document and record- stuff that may not seem so 'important', but it is.
I learned that when Teagan died. Sure, I had pictures of her birthdays and us at Christmas dressed up for the occasion, but the things I missed most were the interactions we had every single day. I have lots of photos I have yet to scrap about Teagan...I may never scrap them all. But her sudden death made me realize how 'special' the everday moments are with my family and friends. I had 4 birthdays with Teagan, and I have pictures from each of them. I am very happy to have those pictures. But what I really wish that I had was a picture of me giving her a pinky promise. We did it hundreds of times, yet I don't have a single picture to prove it. I would give anything for a picture of her rolling out pie dough with me. Or cutting up colored construction paper. I'd love a picture of her eating a Happy Meal, or hugging my neck so tight- the way she hugged me each night before bed.
I learned my lesson with her...you can never have too many pictures of 'uneventful' moments. The fact is, those seemingly uneventful moments are the ones we forget so easily. We do them over and over from day to day, and yet, they are the treasures we overlook too many times. The ordinary moments are what make up the bulk of our lives. I am doing my best to capture and record these types of memories in picture form and in journals that I keep. Scrapping the less-than-perfect photos is really one of my philosophies when I create pages. I'm more interested in telling and remembering the 'story behind the photo' than getting the perfect photo.
As I paged through Cathy's book and once again felt affirmed in telling a good story, I felt drawn to making a 'clean and simple' layout. It felt good to whip out a layout in under an hour. (For me that's a quick turnaround!) I was inspired to grab a recent 'not-so-perfect' photo; I found a layout in her book that would work well for me to use as the basis for my page (otherwise known as a "scraplift"); and a color combo from a notebook that I just bought got my creative juices flowing. It was that easy. It was fun...and I've now got a snippet of my everyday life saved for my kids to look back on and laugh when they grow up. I just might try to scrap some more of this type of layout. I know KI Memories wouldn't mind if I used up more of their product. As for CZ, well, I figure she wrote the Clean & Simple books not to brag about her stuff, but to inspire others to do what she does. Besides, the old saying goes, "Imitation is the best form of flattery". I think it's especially true in scrapbooking. No wonder my gallery is filling up with different pages and "styles". I love so many different people in this business (Heidi Swapp, kellicrowe, Elsie, Carrie Batt, Amber Skolnick, Jamie Waters, Candice Stringham, Karen Russell, all the girls at Scrap Etc board!!...) that I can go in any number of directions with the way my pages are designed. Maybe one of these days I'll find my own style somewhere. For now, it's just gonna be me with imperfect photos and most often a good story or opinion to share. Basically things I don't want to forget in the ordinary moments of my life.

Nitty.Gritty. at the movies!

Hey! I'm here, but only long enough to say I went to the movies tonight! As in a real date...just hubby and me. I have not been to a movie at the theater since the movie "Passion of Christ" or "Along Came Polly"...whichever came out last. I don't recall; it's been a long time.
The movie? Music and Lyrics. We both get a kick out of Hugh Grant's sarcasm (and I happen to like his accent too), and Drew Barrymore is just a fun actress to watch on the screen. I can relate to her 'freestyle' and I think she really "gets what life is about" at times. So, we actually liked the movie...which makes me not feel so bad about the cost of a movie ticket these days. The price of admission and a bucket of popcorn and soda was the most surprising thing to me about our whole evening out. {We skipped the snacks and saved some cash...Chip must love that I'm a cheap date compared to our early days of dating. =)}
The fact that I didn't get a camera to take pics of me at the movie so that I could scrap a page about it later is the second most surprising thing to happen all night. Third was that all the kids were sleeping by the time we got home- before 10pm.
I think I forgot how much I like surprises! Even if I forgot my camera and we spent some hard-earned cash, it was a good date...and totally worth the money because of the memories we made.

"Playtime"...

Okay. First I have to clarify the whole 'GOD' on the Starbuck's cup from yesterday. Seems more than a few of you had questions about that. It really does say, "GOD"...but that's because I wrote it there when I got home. You know me. I just never know when I might scrap a page or use a little 'inspiration' like that cup for something. So, I took the opportunity to write God on the cup because it was so true for me. As much as I enjoyed my latte yesterday, it was the reality of God's presence that gave me the 'boost' I needed in my life at that time. Sure, the espresso did it's thing, but it was the time I spent connecting with God, and not only reading the Bible, but I really felt Him guiding me to things He wanted me to read and understand. That's what I meant by God showing up at Starbuck's. I just think it's a great idea for us to really notice Him at times. Since His presence was so obvious to me, I just added Him to my cup! I think maybe more people should take a 'shot of God' in their cup each day. Just think of the implications of thousands of people 'drinking in' God before work starts, or as they drive down the expressway on their morning commute. I wouldn't mind hanging around the watercooler if all my coworkers had gotten their "God-fix" already. So, that was that, and I just wanted to make sure everyone was clear on that post. {Good thing I've got the comments turned back on for that, huh?!}
I have to share some photos from today. Wyndham drew a cute little figure all by herself. I've been noticing that she is drawing more and more pictures, shapes and letters that I can decipher. It's so great to see that emerging. I know she's got so much inside she would love to get out if only her brain would cooperate with her desires more. It's all a part of her life as a result of her head injury, and the amazing thing to me each and everyday is how much she takes life in stride- even though I really believe she wishes she could do more much of the time. She doesn't let it discourage her though, and I am very fortunate to be able to say that. Many parents and families struggle with kids who have severe behavioral and emotional issues in addition to the gross and fine motor skill delays. We just keep loving Wyndham the way she is; we keep pushing her as much as she tolerates with therapy and school, and in the end, we are blessed to see progress little by little. I just have been so proud of her taking the initiative and expressing herself in small ways- like with this MagnaDoodle. She loves when we praise her for her efforts- there's nothing I love more than seeing her face glow from her accomplishments! She's earned everybit of our 'gushing' at times. =)
The next picture is Bella posing with a box of "prizes" I just got in the mail from Sizzix. They sent me an email and I got to create a wishlist and then they mailed out the product as a belated congrats for being a finalist in the Creating Keepsake's SOY contest. I don't know who was more excited to see the things in this box- Bella or me. I had her take a picture of me doing a little "Elsie-thing" for all the die-hard scrappers that read this. =) Now I get to learn and play with a new die-cutting machine and some of their fun products. I picked a cupcake/ice cream cone set for one of my selections...and Bella was all over that one. She wants to make lots and lots of cupakes now. I'm sure we'll have something scrappy to show you in the next couple of days. God and Starbucks and new scrap products and cupcakes. Yep. All is well in Nitty.Gritty. Land. today. Next thing you know Heidi Swapp is gonna drop by! {I'm joking...just so you don't start leaving me some crazy, excited comments wondering why Heidi is coming to my house. =)} I suppose I could use a shot of "her" in my next real Starbuck's. That'll be sometime next month, by the time I get another morning off. =)
Oh. One more thing. I don't want to forget this, and I almost did already, so I'm noting this for myself here...but it's cute, so you can read it too. I said to Isabella yesterday as she was trying to get a cup out of the cupboard, "Why don't you just ask me for help?". To which she replied, "I did. In my own mind." I think that's how I treat God sometimes. I know I need His help, but I sometimes forget that I need to actually ASK for it sometimes. And yes, He does know what I'm thinking or what I need...but sometimes He's just waiting for me to recognize my own inabilities and weaknesses and say it outloud to Him. It's amazing how much I learn from my kids.

Where is God?

Guess where God 'showed up' in my life today? Uh huh. At Starbucks just after 8am this morning. I very rarely go into Starbucks, although I love their products and I drink different varieties of their coffee that I brew at home each morning. (I usually get the grounds at my local grocery or from Target, by the way.) So, it's a "treat" for me to get to go into a shop and sit down and have a cup of coffee.
Well, this morning, it just so happens that Chip could do some work on his laptop at home and make calls from his cell phone, so I got a bit of time alone after dropping Brock off for school. I fully intended to do some studying and put some thoughts together for an upcoming speaking engagement that I have later on this month, but I don't think I really thought that God was going to 'meet me' at Starbuck's. Yet, there He was.
It was so reassuring and 'good' for me...to see and feel that God IS with us wherever we are. He knows what we need, when we need it, and will use any circumstance to reveal Himself to us- IF we are open to hearing from Him and willing to recognize our dependence on Him. I know it wasn't a burning bush or a pillar of fire from the sky (it was simply a double, skim, toasted nut latte, extra-hot...) but still, to me it was just what I needed to hear and I received some very timely messages for the things I am thinking of and dealing with in my life right now. Straight out of the Bible- so I know it came from God- the source of truth and guidance in my life.
I just wanted to share my experience- not that I'm holy or so 'in tune' with what God wants from me that I should 'expect' God to speak to my heart at Starbuck's...but on the contrary. I need God so deperately in every part of my life, and because I seek Him earnestly, He was even willing to come down and meet the needs of my heart at this moment in time- in Starbuck's at 8am this morning...because that's where I was.
I have to say, it makes my lip quiver. It's absolutely humbling...that God- who knows all, sees all, keeps the world spinning at just the right speed; the One who hangs the stars in space and loves us before we love Him- that He would want to give me evidence that He is real and meet my little old needs each day, it's a feeling like none other. The fact that I felt it makes me want to share that reality with anyone willing to listen. That is why I share this experience on my blog. Keeping it in would be selfish. I know I'm not alone in my quest to experience real and everlasting peace in this world. I know I'm not the only one to wonder where God is at times. I know I've been blessed with His presence over and over again...and today I just wanted to tell the skeptics out there, that God is real. He met me over a latte at Starbucks this morning. I know He can meet you, wherever you may be. You just need to keep your eyes and ears open...and then wait. I guarantee you that He will cross your path. When He does, you will feel it in your heart.
A little song came to mind as I walked out of Starbucks. It's another little chorus from a song I learned as a kid. The words just hit me a little differently as I sang the song over in my head today. It goes like this-
"He came down to my level, when I couldn't get up to His.
And with His strong arms,
He lifted me up, to show me what livin' is.
He'll come down to your level, if you'll open up that door.
He wants to make your life worth living...
That's what He came down for!"
My hope is that God becomes so real in your life that you can see and taste Him in much the same way as I have done today. Nothing's better than a little 'Peace' and quiet sometimes...that's for sure!

In a funk...running on "e".

I really have 'nothing' today. Or so I thought. I've been running on "E"-as in when the gas gauge is low- so, here it is. A real-life Nitty.Gritty. funk. The thing Maggie-pie (if you're still out there!) wanted to see in me a little more of. =) This is it. Ask Chip. It hit hardest last night. For lots of reasons.
One, being that it's March. I've already blogged about Teagan's upcoming birthday (on the 18th), and as much as I love and adore her (still), it's a tough thing to actually accept the reality that is my life at such times as marking yet another birthday without her. It stinks. I'll put it plain and simple. And the worst part about it is never actually her birthday, but the couple of weeks leading up to it. The whole idea that a day is coming in which I fully intended to party and celebrate and eat and be happy all day with Teagan- my self-proclaimed "queen of parties"- absolutely makes my heart break all over again. That I will never celebrate with Teagan on earth ever again just flat out makes me sad. I will never get over that. Her upcoming birthdate takes me back to the life I once had in which I really lived 'clueless' about how much pain and sadness a person could feel. Although my life wasn't perfect or pain free before, I truly never had anything in my life happen which caused me to grasp the depth of pain that death brings, or that would make me imagine a future that didn't include Teagan in it.
So that's one thing. Another is just the pain of so many others around me and what they are going through in life. It hurts to watch people struggle and not know what to say, or to wish that I could snap my fingers and make it all better. Even more difficult, is to believe and turn to my faith for answers, because it seems at times that God isn't doing His part. And yet I know that He IS at work...I just don't understand His ways or timing as the struggles go on. To even think that God somehow 'owes' someone a particular circumstance or situation in life makes me take a deep breath and step back. God doesn't owe anybody anything. Yet somehow we so easily forget that...and we want to point a finger toward the sky, or beg for some blessing. The fact that any of us has breath is more blessing, mercy and grace than we deserve. I know all that. It's just one of those tough theological realities...and so, I keep trusting.
The part I'm not so good at is waiting and resting. I've not been sleeping well, and I get antsy during the day...as though there is going to be a sign from the sky or that Lake Michigan will suddenly part and things will make sense in my world. It's not the case here this week.
What I do know that I am getting better at is 'snapping out of it' or seeing the little joys in life and using those to little by little, "fill my tank".
That's why I'm posting. I was about to go to bed and skip my blog today. But, as I lay in bed with Ava next to me watching some late-nite 'Spongebob Squarepants', Chip came in with some freshly popped popcorn and I realized that I am a really fortunate person. I have more than I need to be happy in life. I needed a bowl of salty popcorn to make me start counting my blessings again. I had found myself headed down- to a place I've been many times...'the dumps'. Really, I have no idea why I even start going there in the first place. It's no fun. It has never been fun down there in all the years I've been going there from time to time. And yet, I was using every little thing I could think of to climb lower and lower...from a lousy experince at the grocery store standing behind a person who blew his nose every two minutes and touched everything in sight... to a bad haircut (okay, we women DO have a right to complain about that one, right?! Give me a little credit for being crabby)...but the point is, I was going down fast.
Fortunately, I am learning that I really don't want to go that direction- at least not for very long. So, I start making a point of finding good in the day- today it came in the form of a bowl of popcorn. But before that was a phonecall from my mom. And clean kids splashing in the tub. And before that there was fresh fruit at dinner that was the perfect ripeness, and everyone ate their dinner well. There were only two telemarketer calls today, and when I think back on that, in light of the usual count, I realize that is a small cause for celebration too.
And if that's not enough, there is the kisses I gave and received, when the kids woke up and came home from school and as they got tucked into bed. I could sit here and count another hundred things to be grateful and happy about...if I really needed to. The really wonderful thing about running on "E" is that I find my 'gas gauge' operates differently when I'm using the "High Octane" to get my fill. (Remember back on the 'Who fills your cup' post.) I really just need to recognize that when I hit "E", God is 'Enough' for me, and I'm turned around...back on track...and headed in the right direction.
My dad talked at Teagan's memorial service about keeping our eyes on 'the horizon' in order to not feel the impact of our situation swirling and spinning around us. I've never forgotten that advice. Seems he was right then and it's still true today. When I start to lose focus, it's not fun and it's not pretty. The good news is that I am getting more and more into my 'looks' as the years go on...and thankfully my taste in 'style' is improving. And I'm sure if you ask Chip, he'll tell you I'm looking better today than I was yesterday. =)

Nitty.Gritty. reminder...

Note to self:
When things don't go the way you think, or turn out the way you wish they would, remember this...very likely you will be thanking God for the ways that things DID turn out.
The tough part is getting from 'here' to 'there'.

When context matters...

Isabella loves going to prescool. She especially loves Wednesdays, because it is girls' show & tell day. So, when she came bursting through the door yesterday morning, I was surprised to see her so excited. Usually she is a bit sad that it's Friday and she has to wait two whole days til preschool starts again.
She was all smiles when she said, "Guess what! I got to be the calendar girl today!"
I was happy with her and shared her excitement and learned that as 'calendar girl' she got to go up to the board and put the shamrock with the "2" on it in the right space. She was so pleased with herself. I couldn't help but think of how innocent kids really are- and how much I wish I could just hit the 'freeze button' in life and let time stand still at this point for just awhile longer.
I have to admit, that although my days can be filled with routine and lots of tasks which go unnoticed or unappreciated as a mom to young kids, it's a treat at times, knowing that I am a part of these impressionable years where kids live and learn and experience the world one little bit at a time. All too soon, I know, the days will be filled with more activities, bigger 'problems', demanding decisions, and the simple things- like excitement over being chosen 'calendar girl'- will come to an end. At least I HOPE she doesn't want to be calendar girl later on in life. If the topic should ever come up, I'll just remind her that she already 'lived that dream'... at the ripe young age of four. =)

Today..."A" is for Aly.

Happy Birthday, Aly...'Nitty.Gritty. style'! Don't you just love that top photo of us?! It's one of my favorites. Not because you can't see our heads =), but because I remember laughing together when we 'clicked back' to see it on the camera screen. That's the most important thing I think I can tell you as you kick off this year in your life of being 11...remember to laugh and have fun- even if things don't turn out perfect or go the way you wish they would sometimes.
You are so smart, that you probably knew that already, huh?! That's okay. We all need to remind ourselves to have fun everyday, and I hope you have a really FUN day today especially!
We all had so many laughs and good times with you when we were in Minnesota the other week. Thanks for hanging out with us, helping us make homemade icecream, racing in the hallways, having a sleepover, drinking coffee coolers, and all the other little things we got to do together. They were fun because we got to do them with YOU! =)
I wish we lived closer- and so does Brock, but I'm glad we make the most of the time we have when we do get to see each other. You're awesome...you have such a big heart, a free spirit, a great sense of humor, a growing love for scrapping and photography {a girl after my own heart!} and a lot to look forward to as you live and learn each day. Here's wishing you a Happy, happy birthday, and a lot of love from me and the rest of the lurkers on this blog. =)

In like a lion...

March 1st...I awoke to the sounds of little ice pellets on the windows early this morning and just a bit later to the school cancellation scrolling along the bottom of the tv screen. It's a good morning to stay warm and in bed for a few extra minutes here in Michigan.
Once the thunder and bits of rainy ice had me awake, the first thought to hit me was, "Today is March 1st". My thoughts started to wander, my throat got a little tighter, and my heart pulled me back to the place it goes when I miss Teagan the most.
Ten years ago, when this day rolled around and I flipped the calendar to March 1st, I was very pregnant and anxious about everything that was about to change in my life. I was due with my first baby (Teagan) on March 18th, and I was really struggling with so many thoughts/feelings/emotions. Looking back, and having some reflective time in the quiet of the night, I realized that all those fears and anxieties that I was entertaining at that time turned out to be true in my life, more than I could have imagined back then. I have often 'kicked myself' for some of those thoughts- thoughts that robbed me of some of the joy and excitement I should have been feeling during that pregnancy. They have been some of my only regrets the past few years, as I felt like I didn't savor the anticpiation of Teagan in my life as much as I could have for nine months.
Last night was the first time it struck me that maybe those feelings and fears were actually more of my intuition telling me something important. I know it's very possible, because of who I was before my pregnancy, and very much who I have been in all the years since that pregnancy. I had always loved babies- as a 5 year old I wanted to have 100 babies when I grew up. I played house all the time, and babysat so much that I had a fairly healthy savings account by the time I started college. I was great with babies and kids.
Then I had a change of heart during my 4 years of college. I became a really selfish person with the idea of a 'whole future' ahead of me. I really started to believe I could do anything I set my heart and mind to...and that the best thing in my life would be to look out for myself and create the happiest life I could- for me. I wasn't wanting to be the highest paid person in the world, or the most glamorous or any of that, but I started to really buy into the idea that I deserved a life of happiness- and that meant having my interests in mind at every turn.
So, when Chip proposed to me in June '94, I was just out of college and totally sold on the belief that we just wanted to live 'happily ever after'. Being the smart college grad that I was, I knew that the easiest way to ensure our happiness, was to just keep life simple...just Chip and me.That way we could control more of the choices we would have through the years. Remember? I had done a lot of babysitting. I had even worked for 2 years at the YMCA with their children's clubs. I had waited tables and watched hundreds of family interact together at dinnertime. I was 'educated' when it came to the decision that I didn't want kids. I had seen firsthand, over and over, that kids complicate life and create a lot of new choices, and even cause a lot of frustration and certianly added demands on their parents. I was so smart; I decided I would save Chip and me a lot of struggles down the road by simply choosing to never have kids. Life would be soooo easy, I thought.
You know. I was probably right in some respects. Life would have been easier, but we probably wouldn't have realized it. Our 'little problems' would have been big to us, because we would have had nothing to compare them to. Or life could have thrown other curveballs our way, and we could have faced struggles, and certianly would have faced them even without kids in the picture.
I know deep down, how much I always loved Teagan, even when I was consumed with these anxious feelings and depressing thoughts through my pregnancy with her. (We didn't know we were having a girl, by the way, she was a surprise.) I do remember there were times I loved being pregnant with her, but I tried not to feel it for too long. Those first kicks that a mom feels cannot be described by me, even to this day. For me it wasn't just the feeling, it was an overwhelming emotion and a whole new reality. My world was about to change. Then there were hiccups...they always came late at night when I least wanted to be disturbed. (Remember? I was living a very selfish life at this time!) Yet those hiccups were like little pulses inside, telling me that someone was very much a part of my life- even though she was months away from making her appearance. The kicks and turns and sleepless nights pushed me closer and closer to the anxieties and fears I was holding on to. When I flipped the calendar page that March '97, I was not the person that I am today.
I see now that I always had love for Teagan. I never doubted that I could love a baby in my life; what I did fear was the world in which this baby would have to grow up...and I knew I wasn't 'big enough' to shield my baby from the storms of life that most certainly would come. Now, 10 years later I see how very right that I was- even though I had no idea what would come my way. I knew that the people in the world could be hurtful to individuals, to groups of people- sometimes for no particular reason! I knew the world was full of uncertainties and danger...I had no idea it would find us as a family while we dined at Sunday brunch. I knew the world was growing colder and that people were misusing the word 'love'- if they even dared to use it at all. I knew that having a child would be the biggest change I would ever have in my life...next to losing that child. I could never have known how 'right' some of my intuitions would turn out to be.
So, when the calendar days turn to March, a part of me can't help but soul-search and reflect and dream and imagine and laugh and cry and share Teagan with the world once again. Even if it's my own little world.
Teagan has changed my heart and life forever. I see now, that my thoughts and feelings change over time, but that she is still a very real source of inspiration and challenge and she has and continues to make me a better person- every single day. I made a pinky-promise to her the last time we held hands on this earth, and that was that "she is the love of my heart, and I would love her forever'. I am glad that I made and have stuck to that promise. My heart has never been so hurt than when I accepted the reality of her death. But in doing so, I have learned that our love was so real, so pure, that it could never be broken.
I share that same love with all my kids. I can love them no more or less than I do at any given moment. I wish the whole world knew what love really is. It's not a word. It's not a feeling. It is all-consuming and it is unchanging. As I lay in bed thinking of Teagan and my family and how 'in love' with all of them I am, a little song came to mind which I haven't recalled for years. I don't know the title....it was from a little musical that our kids' club gave in our church back in the 1980's. (See? I told you it's been years.) The words just struck me, so I close with some of them here...a little 'definition song' about love.
"Love never gives up. Love never lets down.
Love keeps on trying, through smiles or frowns.
Love never gives up, even when it gets it tough...True love just never gives up."